#I guess instead of reading my book I'll instead read about people on reddit who this happened to. Stupid idea but there's nothing else I can

[running-in-the-dark]

Just when I was thinking today was pretty great (I got a lot done!), the cats found my tiny pin cushion on the floor somewhere while I was getting ready for bed. I have no idea if one or both of them swallowed a pin. They seem normal and totally fine but if they had swallowed it whole.... Ughhhhhh mannn this is the last thing I need right now

[messrsrarchives]

something i don't talk enough about as a trans person in this fandom is the guilt.

because i feel so fucking guilty all the time. for,,, doing something i enjoy? which is fitting, i guess, that i hate myself for the very thing transphobes hate me for - living happily.

and i don't talk about it because,,, well. i don't know how to.

it's all very disconnected, isn't it? you will open fics to the disclaimer "i do not support jkr", you engage in queer stories etc etc but,,, you don't really think about it?

until you're picking up your hrt prescription and the price has gone up by a third without warning. until you're booking an "assessment" with the clinic you pay nearly £200 a month to because the government's decided that you need to regularly prove that you're trans enough. until you're having your fifth heart attack and instead of finding answers, you're told it must be the hrt even though you weren't taking it for any of the other times. until you're sitting in an ed clinic and you're told that clearly it's all rooted in being trans, even if you've been here for years before. until you're searching for emergency accommodation because you're homeless and you're rejected by the first six that you try because you "aren't a right fit". until you're buying fucking milk and have your hair pulled and shirt lifted. until you're walking 'home' alone.

and then you get 'home', and you think "what a rough day, i'll do something i enjoy now"

and you speak about a headcanon that people dislike and your face ends up on reddit pages with random strangers dissecting your identity. you talk about a ship people dislike and you're called slurs. you scroll through comments of people whining about a male fictional character in makeup, and suddenly it's not so disconnected anymore.

and you have to come to terms with the fact you are taking joy from something created by a person who wants you gone, and that you actually can't disconnect the two.

and i think i've become too comfortable. which is a wild sentence, but i have.

i think i've become complacent in this idea that my existence in this fandom is a form of protest, but it isn't. my existence is not a form of protest and i guess, it sucks. sometimes.

coming to terms with being in a fandom based on the works of a woman who actively fights for me to not have rights. it sucks.

and it feels like screaming into a void sometimes where no one can hear you because for some reason, being trans is a form of protest, and that alleviates any guilt.

and well, yeah. i guess that's right. i guess there's a point there.

but my existence isn't a form of protest, and i feel guilty for being here. even though i only engage in fanbased work, even if i don't directly profit her, even if i make sure that i make it clear that i do not engage with her in any way. even though i read fics that deconstrust her views, or headcanons that go against her etc etc.

i feel guilty, and i don't really know how to amend that.

but i can recognise that now, and that's something.

[swallowtail-ageha]

💌 send this to the twelve nicest people you know or who seem to have a good heart and if you get five back you must be pretty awesome

I fucking LOVE talking to you! You curse me with revealing the most brain-numbing online discourse that I didn't know existed but what matters is that we can laugh at it and that you disagree with those things! You are super anti-bullshit and based, I am honored to be one of the people 'selected' by you :> You are nice not in how you talk but in what you believe in and feel, much like me o:

WAAAH THANKS ;-;

YEAH ajdjajaka i do have a very polemic tone on this blog and i do have un uncanny ability to stumble onto crazy discourse (which i'll complain about only perpetuating the cycle lol) i guess that's a good way of blowing off the steam of everyday life

I guess also my super critical approach to like. Just about everything i consume has something to do with me being super "no bullshit" like instead of just going "no this is great because i like it" "no this is bullshit because i don't like it" i take time to analyze and understand why that thing is written like that to begin with and after that i'll decide if i like it or not. Ig being into book series for people who are decades older than me ever since i was a preteen and my experience in the evichro/bmha fandom has influenced that a lot (i do admit i still have my outbursts caused by general annoyance towards a fandom that makes me devaluate the series of the fandom. Sorry hxh fans i like it again i just had to log off of reddit for a while and read some quality metas)

And like don't worry abput being "chosen" i thought you were very cool from the beginning when i approached the bb fandom i am just super slow to gather courage to follow people and interact sjcjsnam

I hope you have a nice day!!