#I guess I'll tag both in case they're relevant

[paracosmic-murdock]

vigilante like me

chapter eight: we could be the way forward, and i know i'll pay for it

pairing: matt murdock x black widow!vigilante!reader

summary: nights and nights of playing the hero as if that could redeem you that easily ended up taking you to new york, where you accidentally met the man who would turn your world upside down. a vigilante like you.

warnings/tags: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, injuries, mentions of murder and themes explored in the past couple chapters, mentions of reader being able to wear matt's clothes but it's not specified whether they're too big/too small/fit perfectly/etc., phd in applied flirting and ma in yearning studies, some smut (minors dni), takes place sometime during the blip, when born again comes out we might find out if my decisions of who were gone were right, spoilers/references of stuff and themes from daredevil (2015); avengers: infinity war (2018); avengers: endgame (2019) black widow (2021); and hawkeye (2021), but y'all must've watched all of those already so idc, yelena belova and the themes and events from the black widow (2021) movie are very relevant in this plot, song: cowboy like me (taylor swift)

word count: 3.6K

✰ chapter one | chapter two | chapter three | chapter four | chapter five | chapter six | chapter seven | chapter nine

✰ mila's anthology (main masterlist)

“You alright?”

Matt nodded. “Yeah, why?”

“You're just acting weird,” you commented. “Are you sure you're alright?”

��I am, yes.”

“Okay,” You let it go, not quite convinced but also not wanting to keep him from leaving any longer. “So, you're going out now?”

“Uh, I guess.”

You pursed your lips. “Okay.”

“Are you alright?”

“Perfectly fine.”

The two of you sat in silence, both clearly hiding something, neither daring to give anything away.

“You went out,” Matt noted.

Your heart jumped in its place, which made him frown. Were you that affected at the thought of him knowing what you were up to?

“How do you know that?” you asked him, almost knowing the answer already.

“I smell a different fabric softener,” he replied. “Mine doesn't have any smell, and yours is coconut. There's also gunpowder. Coffee, the good one. Those weren't here before I left.”

You nodded. “I needed my clothes. And to protect myself in case they come for me… you know I couldn't take a punch if my life depended on it.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Matt sat beside you. “I could've gone with you.”

“No,” You shook your head. “I don't want them going after you. I know they couldn't take you, but I'd rather not risk it.”

“Okay,” Matt replied. “Anything else you'd like to talk about?”

“Such as…?”

“Are you going out again?”

“I'm not,” you lied, and, for the first time, Matt heard your heart beat faster. “Are you?”

“Yes, like every night.”

You put your head on his shoulder. “What's wrong with you? You're acting weird.”

“I'm just worried about you.”

“That's not it,” You sighed. “Do you… regret what happened between us?”

He immediately turned to you. “Sweetheart, don't say that. Don't ever believe something like that, alright? I like you, and this between us, whatever this is is what I want. You're what I want.”

“Are you sure? Because-”

“I am sure,” he confirmed. “Now, why don't you go to sleep? I'll be back as soon as possible.”

“I will, yeah.”

Matt kissed your forehead and stood up, ready to get changed.

You watched him attentively. The way he hesitantly searched for his suit as if he didn't know where it was or how he stopped for less than a second to focus on you.

He eventually left his apartment, and once you thought he was far away enough, you searched for the voice messages Svetlana had sent you not too long ago.

“I found the address of the apartment they rented. They've been here for a few weeks now, so I guess they were carefully plotting how to get to you,” she began. “Let me know when you leave your place so we can meet somewhere and get there together. I'm not sure we'll find them just like that, but we'll start from there.” The first audio ended there, and you played the second right away. “Someone I know has access to security cameras all around Hell's Kitchen. I'm pretty sure he hacks them or something. I called him, and he said he'd look for them tomorrow morning so we can see if they left or what. You know he works with the Russians and they're close with the ones here, so I found one of them and mentioned I'm Fyodor's sister and to tell him I'm looking for him; gave him a burner cell number. I'll let you know what I find.”

Matt was listening to the entire conversation from the rooftop, and him suddenly going down the stairs made you flinch. “Shit, Matt! What the hell is wrong with you?! You scared the fuck out of me.”

“Are you going to kill Fyodor and Crosby?” he asked as soon as he reached the floor. Matt took off his helmet and left it on the coffee table in front of you.

You bit your lip, hesitant. “Matt…”

“I'm not gonna stop you, I just want to know.”

“What do you think I should do? Just let them beat me almost to death and get away with it?”

“I'm not saying anything, sweetheart,” He crouched in front of you. “Tell me what you and Svetlana are going to do to them.”

“We want to.”

He sighed. “You don't have to do it.”

“What do you think is gonna happen if I leave this to the justice system like you do?” you questioned. “I give them my ID and all that, they find out I'm not an official citizen yet, they send me back to Russia, and I get killed there. Then, they're taken into custody, they deport Fyodor and there he's not gonna face a single consequence because he has enough influence to be let out. And I don't know about Crosby, but I don't like the idea of him breathing.”

“I understand that,”

“Then what, Matt?” You just looked at him, and something in his eyes was just… different. “What will them in jail do for me and my peace? I need them to know they can't do whatever they want. What stops people like them from doing the crime is the punishment, Matt, and if they are immune to it, they will do whatever the fuck they want without a thought in the world.”

“Hey,” he called for your attention, and you just knew he was conflicted. His eyes on yours felt so heavy and afflicted, and you just wanted to know how to help him. “Tell Svetlana not to look for them.”

“Matt?” You cupped his face, trying to ease him. The idea seemed far too distant, but the look in his eyes, though blind, is one you know more than enough. It's like anguish in disguise pleading from behind the bars of one's pupils to be let out, figured out. Needing a peace you feel like you will never get back because you took something that wasn't yours to end with, and you must pay the price of that emptiness you left. “Did you do it?”

He pursed his lips and stayed silent.

His face spoke more than a billion words, and now you knew what was wrong.

“It's okay,” you mumbled, pressing your forehead against his. “It's alright, I'll tell Svetlana to stop looking for them.”

“Will you tell her I did it?”

You shook your head. “No, I'll make something up, okay? You're safe.”

“You can't take the blame for this.”

“Don't worry about a thing, Matt,” you assured him. “Tell me everything that happened and we'll figure it out. Just tell me everything.”

“I went to Fogwell's and Crosby was still in the alleyway where I left him,” Matt started. You took off his gloves and intertwined his fingers with yours. “I took him to an abandoned building near the dock and made him call Fyodor. When he arrived, I hit him and took him where I left Crosby. I asked them about what happened and I hit them because I had to. I knew I had to hit Crosby and make him regret assaulting you and trying to kill you, but the more he talked about everything, the madder I got. I couldn't stop, and I didn't until my hands hurt. By then, they weren't breathing anymore.”

“What did they say?”

He sighed. “That you had it coming. They insulted you and said they would do it again. Among other things.”

“Okay,” You left his couch and sat on the floor in front of him. “Where are the bodies? We gotta get rid of-”

“I threw them into the river.”

“I am sorry, Matt,” you said, feeling your heart break at the thought that he broke who he is because of you. “This was all my fault. I'm not even worth the bother.”

Matt shook his head. “Don't say that.”

“Matt?” You lifted his chin. “Stay with me tonight? Please?”

“I have to go.”

“I know that,” you murmured. “I know if you don't go out, people get hurt. I get it, but… I want you here.”

You had no idea how you could tell Matt how difficult it is going to be for him once he has to hit somebody else again.

“I can stay a little bit longer.”

“Okay,” You smiled lightly and kissed his lips. Matt smiled in the kiss and felt like everything will be fine someday. “Tell me something.”

Matt hummed, sitting beside you. “I wish I could see your face.”

“Wow, sir,” You smiled lightly. “You're not missing out on much. As for me, I wish I couldn't see your ugly face.”

“You're ruining my self-esteem.”

“Good,” You took his face in your hands and pulled him closer. “I really like you, Matt.”

“I really like you, too,” He smirked and drove his hands to your neck, stroking your skin softly until he kissed you. “Very much.”

Matt left not too long after that, not before promising he wouldn't eavesdrop anymore. So, you made the call.

“I thought you wouldn't call,” she said instead of greeting you.

You cleared your throat. “Yeah, sorry about that. I was out and forgot my phone at home.”

“It's okay. Where are we meeting?”

“We're not. It's done.”

“What? Did you-”

“They knew I was at my place, so they followed me to the dock where I was supposed to meet with a guy I know who was gonna help me find them,” you began, walking around Matt's living room as you tried to relive the conversation with him. “Suddenly, they approached me, but I didn't waste a second. I shot them both. They're now at the bottom of the river.”

“Oh,” Svetlana mumbled. “How are you?”

“I'm fine, just… shaken and sick of this life. Of running and having to do shit like this despite having been out of the Red Room for so long.”

“I get that,” she replied. “I am sorry about all of this. About my brother.”

“This was for you, too, Sveta,” you mentioned. “I hope we can be at peace now.”

“I hope so, too,” You knew she smiled. “Don't be a stranger, okay?”

You chuckled lightly. “The same goes to you.”

She hung up the call and you gave yourself the luxury of sighing in relief.

You wouldn't even think about the moment somebody else comes for you again. You're not alone now, right? There's Matt, and now he is your biggest concern.

Killing someone is that one thing you can never come back from. You know that better than anybody; taking a life, whomever it belongs to, changes you completely. Matt needs you now that he crossed the line you know he swore never to.

Especially because Matt did that in your name.

Now, you were in his bed, taking in everything around you.

Silk bed sheets, the good ones. A neat pile of laundry, ready to be organized. His phone, there in the nightstand. A lamp, new. It wasn't there before. You turned it on; it was dark.

Your heart jumped in its place, and you wondered if that is what they say in the movies that teenagers feel when they fall for the first time… Is it that you are falling or have you already fallen? You don't know that anymore, and maybe will never know.

You stood up, approaching the pile of clothes. They were his work suits and each was already on the hanger, which was labeled in braille and had English on the opposite side. You checked if they were all correct and hung everything in the closet.

Walking around the room wasn't enough to ease you now. You thought, perhaps, that there were sections of the apartment you were left to explore. He made you breakfast and dinner, and you went out for lunch with Svetlana.

Outside, you saw the bag he had brought from work. Curiosity got the better of you, and you went to the dining table and opened it. Grey curtains he doesn't need for himself.

In the fridge, a six pack of Stella Artois beers, quite different from the cheap ones you always saw him drink at Josie's.

A new mug. Blue, shorter and wider than his white one, probably so he could tell the difference between that one and his.

Before you could keep looking around, you heard his steps coming down the stairs.

“You're early.” you noted.

He took off his helmet, revealing a new cut in his left cheekbone. “Yeah.”

“Is everything alright?” You walked to him.

Matt nodded, but you knew better than to believe him.

You helped him unzip his suit in complete silence.

“Are you?” you asked again, putting your hand on his chest.

He chuckled softly. “Don't worry about me, sweetheart.”

“It's too late for that,” you replied.

Matt sighed.

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“Okay, we won't,” you said. “We'll sleep now. Or maybe talk about something else.”

Matt gave you a short kiss. “I'd like to sleep now. Let me take my pillows and-”

“Take them, where?” you asked him as if you didn't know what he meant and weren't plotting a way to get him to share the bed.

“What? Do you want to sleep in my bed with me?” He smirked.

“I do,” you confessed. “And I also would like to wake up with you in it.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Sure you want me, darling.”

“Sure I do.” you confirmed with a smile, one wide, at that.

“You're smiling,” he mentioned, mimicking your smile. “God, what a feeling.”

“What feeling?” You laughed.

“When you smile it just… it's a whole other thing,” he began. His hand went to cup your face, as if touching you enhanced that feeling he was talking about. “Your heart beats faster, but it's still calm, and your body temperature rises ever so slightly. It feels comforting when close to you, like when the sun leaks through the windows in the morning.”

“I didn't know you were such a charmer.” you joked.

“I'm sorry for hiding that from you.”

You shook your head and kissed him. “God, keep them coming.”

“You can't possibly understand how much I need you to get well so I can take you out to dinner,” Matt pecked your lips, leading the way to his bed like you wanted. “I hope you kiss on the first date.”

“It usually takes me at least five, but I think I can make an exception for you.”

Matt hummed. “By the way, how are you feeling?”

“Like I was stabbed multiple times, yeah,” you mumbled, soon cuddling in his bed. “And it hurts way more that this is something that was purposely done to me. That he knew I had to be unconscious because otherwise he wouldn't have been able to get to me like that, and that… a person I trusted did this to me, not to mention what I learned today that he did to his sister.”

“What did he do?”

“He and his father sold Svetlana to the Red Room,” you answered. “And that is shit, Matt, because… the Red Room was Hell on Earth. It was the kind of thing that makes you turn the TV off when you watch the news, it makes you want to throw up when you hear about it, or cry at the thought of your mother, sister or daughter ending up there. You grow pessimistic about humankind when finding out what the widows have done, and lose hope in this world completely when you realize what they did to us to make us do such things. They purposely gave their daughter and sister away when she was a little kid, and for what? Some pieces of paper with buildings on ‘em.”

You sighed.

“All the atrocities I've seen in this world could make you forget about the people fighting them everyday, or the people in the market selling you vegetables, or the owners of the coffee shop you pass by everyday. Or people like you,” you added. “Now that there's only half of us, you realize that there's more good people than bad people, and that it's not that simple. You know it because there's half as evil and twice as sorrow, and because you see how grief can change the path of any person for better or for worse.”

“But you're out.”

“Some days, it feels like I never left,” you confessed. “Some days, I wake up in such pain and so tired that I feel like this world isn't worth saving, that I've had enough. Those days, I decide for a little while that I won't fight anymore, but then… My neighbor's daughter is with him that weekend and she watches some Grimm Brothers cartoons about fairy tales that remind me of the messed up ones we used to watch there. I go out and step on branches, and it sounds like those bones I've broken… arms, legs, ribs, and necks alike. Fireworks sound like gunshots, history documentaries remind me that us widows took part in many of those. The ballet academy on my way to Fogwell's reminds me of those times we learned it and I was so afraid to mess up that I would have an anxiety no seven year-old should feel. The smell of hospitals reminds me of a wing in which they would take us to experiment on us sometimes, or when we got a hysterectomy done as some twisted initiation ritual. Blood, knives, guns, they go without saying. Little girls the age I was or other fellow widows were when we were taken. Screams. Darkness. Even words like target or just names, you know? In the Red Room, we were controlled by them to the degree that, to this day, we don't know which actions were ours and which, theirs. Some days, I just think that unawareness is bliss, and then… Then, I remember that a Widow is all I've ever been, and that I have no idea who I am outside a mission. I've never had a reason to question myself all that much, I just existed, worked, and tried to shut the voices in my head. Now, I feel like maybe there's hope for me. That I can live instead of survive.”

Matt kissed your forehead. “I admire you. I don't think many people who went through what you did could have the courage to be good after everything, but you do. Maybe you do fight, and it's not ideal for you, but you care. If you didn't, you wouldn't go out to help and take care of this city, you would pick fights and do bad things. As you said, good and bad… narrowing everything down to it is not simple at all. I met someone years ago, and, at the beginning, I thought he was some lunatic that mixed an intention with the worst way of execution. I thought he was insane because he killed so many people in cold blood; people who were bad, but I've always thought that justice is real. I know that punishment and deciding who lives and who doesn't isn't up to us. I think that most times, but when you are surrounded by so much depravity and evil, you question everything. He, uh- he did all of that because of his family. We know that killing the people responsible won't bring them back, but, deep down, you just know that it will bring you some comfort at least, however short it might be. He did all of that out of love and grief, and while I would never do anything like that and I would never justify his actions, I understand where he came from. Our intentions can be good or bad, but what really defines us is what we do with them… And it depends on the way you see stuff: you feel that you must fight, and you do it by saving others. Or, maybe, he saved others from the damage those people did and would keep doing, but he did it by committing mass murder. Some will condemn us or justify us, but the truth is that… it's not that simple, is it?”

“And it never will be,” you agreed. “You think you wanted me safe and that they deserved punishment for what they did, but you killed them. I think that, yes, you killed them, but I know I'm safe and so is Svetlana. You might see yourself as a murderer, Matt, but from the point of view of someone that was a victim of so much, I see you as a hero. There is so much goodness in you, and you can't let this take that from you. No matter what… you are not what you did last night, you are what you've done all these years for this city and its people.”

“I came back because, for a moment, I was there again, the moment their hearts stopped beating. First, I couldn't stop, and I couldn't keep going as soon as I came back to reality,” Matt said, finally letting out the reason that brought him back earlier than usual. “And I'm afraid I crossed a line, and that it will haunt me forever.”

“It'll pass,” You kissed his forehead. “One morning, every trace of this will be gone for good. For both you and me, and if you let me, I'd like to be there that day.”

Matt turned to you and took your hand, placing it where his heart is. “I'd love to be there with you, too. However long it takes, sweetheart, and I am serious.”

His heartbeat was steady and his eyes so telling that you wouldn't think he can't see you at plain sight. “I can tell that.”

He kissed your lips once more before holding you even closer and closing his eyes, ready to sleep. “The only heartbeat I care about now is yours.”

Wow.

taglist: @wh1sp @ateliefloresdaprimavera

[jetii]

Event Horizon

Interlude: A Log of Correspondence Between Captain Rex and General Anathorn, Date 14:10:13-15:2:32

Chapter WC: 2,430

Chapter Tags/Warnings: canon character death mentioned but not described, hurt/comfort, angst (poor Rex)

A/N: I keep a note in my phone of tiny conversations between Goldie and Rex, things that I think they would write to each other when they're apart. If that's not your jam, no worries! This chapter isn't that relevant to the plot and will be recapped in the next.

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Join the Taglist | Masterlist

You: Thanks for sparring with me earlier. And for being there for me.

Rex: Of course. Anytime. And for what it's worth, I feel the same way. About the wanting. If you hadn't noticed.

You: Good to know. I should be back in a week. If you're still around, we'll have dinner and talk, okay?

Rex: Sounds like a plan.

You: Be safe.

Rex: You too.

You: [Image attached] You: Why do I feel like a proud parent?

Rex: New paint looks great. Rex: You should be proud. Those are your men.

You: True. They look good, don't they?

Rex: They do. They'll do their job well.

You: Yeah, they will.

Rex: Be careful out there.

You: Always.

Rex: I mean it.

You: I know.

You: Mission was a disaster. Can I call you?

Rex: [Incoming call. Duration 4 hours 19 minutes] Rex: You’re still asleep, but I just wanted to let you know I’m proud of you. Rex: Call me if you need to.

[.]

You: Sorry about last night.

Rex: It's fine. You were upset.

You: I know, but I shouldn't have snapped at you.

Rex: Don't worry, I'm used to it. ;)

You: That's not funny.

Rex: It's a little funny.

You: Maybe a little. You: Since when do you use emojis?

Rex: No idea. I think Hardcase is rubbing off on me.

You: That's terrifying.

Rex: Tell me about it.

You: Sorry again.

Rex: Stop apologizing.

You: No.

Rex: [Incoming call. Duration 14 minutes]

You: Have you ever seen a one clone band before? You: [Video attached. Duration 103 seconds]

Rex: Wow. Rex: Where did Snap get a guitar?

You: I don’t ask questions.

Rex: Probably for the best.

You: He’s amazing though, right? If this war ever ends, he’s going to be famous.

Rex: Yeah. He will.

You: Just got word that we won’t be coming back for a while. We're heading to Drongar, and from there we're going straight into the next campaign. I don't know what it is, but I'm sure it's important. You: I wanted to let you know. I'll send updates if I can.

Rex: You shouldn't send anything, just in case.

You: I know, but I needed you to know.

Rex: I understand.

You: Be safe.

Rex: Always.

You: Tell Kit I said hello! You: And Anakin too, I guess.

Rex: I’ll make sure to relay the message exactly as it was written.

You: Of course you will. You: Then tell Anakin he still owes me my credits. With interest.

Rex: Want me to shake him down for you while I’m at it?

You: That would be great, actually. Thanks.

Rex: You’re ridiculous.

You: You like it.

Rex: Yeah, yeah.

You: It’s been a while. You okay out there? You: Rex?

Rex: Sorry. Been underwater for the last week. Literally. Rex: I never want to see another fish again for the rest of my days.

You: Sushi next time we’re both on 0,0,0 is out then?

Rex: I didn’t say that. Rex: Just name the time and place.

You: If I ever make it off this kriffing planet, you have a deal.

Rex: You will. I promise.

You: I miss you.

Rex: Miss you too.

Rex: What's the weather like there?

You: Hot. Sunny. Clear skies.

Rex: I’m jealous.

You: [Image attached] You: Not really a fan. Too hot. You: Still there? You: Rex?

Rex: Sorry. Yeah. Rex: You look good. Rex: I mean hot. Rex: Hot as in, hot. Rex: Temperature wise. Not looks wise. Rex: Well, you do look good. But not more than usual. Rex: Kriff. I'll just stop typing now.

You: It's fine. Don't worry about it. You: Wish you were here?

Rex: Always.

You: Yeah, me too.

Rex: Why were you at Kaliida Shoals yesterday? Rex: You okay? What happened?

You: How did you even know that? You: It was Kix, wasn’t it? Isn’t that a breach of medic-patient confidentiality?

Rex: Just answer the question. Rex: Please.

You: I’m fine. I was just visiting Screwball. You: We had an incident with one of the local groups. Screwball got the worst of it and had to be extracted. You: Idiot pushed me out of the way and ended up taking the full blast.

Rex: You weren't hurt, were you?

You: Not a scratch.

Rex: And Screwball?

You: Well, Dash and I caught him trying to sneak out of his room through a vent, so I’d say he’s going to be alright.

Rex: Glad to hear it.

You: It wasn’t that big of a deal, Rex. You didn't need to worry.

Rex: Of course I did.

You: You're a sweetheart.

Rex: Don't let that get around, you'll ruin my reputation.

You: Your secret is safe with me, Captain.

You: What's your favorite food?

Rex: Food.

You: Rex. Come on.

Rex: I liked that thing we had at Dex's. With the bread and cheese.

You: Are you telling me your favorite food is a grilled cheese sandwich?

Rex: What? You asked.

You: Why is that your favorite?

Rex: I don't know. Just reminds me of you.

You: A sandwich?

Rex: A sandwich.

Rex: Did I ever tell you how amazing you are? Rex: If not, here's a reminder. Rex: Amazing.

You: Well thank you, Rex. You're not too bad yourself.

Rex: No, but seriously. You're the best.

You: And you've had a couple glasses of whiskey, haven't you?

Rex: Just a bit. Rex: Not too much.

You: Okay. Why are you drunk?

Rex: Command batch got together for drinks. Cody made me. Rex: He said something about me being more miserable than usual and told me to man up and drink some damn alcohol.

You: Are you with anyone?

Rex: Cody. Wolffe. Fox. Bly. Rex: Everyone's a bit smashed.

You: Go put your brothers to bed and go to sleep. You: You'll thank me later.

Rex: But I want talk to you.

You: Go. To. Bed.

Rex: [Incoming call. Duration 7 minutes.] Rex: Miss you.

You: I miss you too. You: Now sleep.

Rex: Yes sir.

[.]

Rex: Remind me to never drink again.

You: How are you feeling?

Rex: Hungover. Rex: And embarrassed. Rex: Did I really drunk call you last night?

You: Yup.

Rex: Kriff. I'm sorry.

You: Don't be. It was cute. Especially the part where you kept telling me how pretty my eyes are.

Rex: Shit. Rex: Please tell me I didn't say anything else embarrassing.

You: Okay, I won't.

Rex: What was it?

You: That's not for me to say. You: Ask Cody. He recorded the whole thing.

Rex: I'm going to kill him.

Rex: Any news on the front?

You: Nope.

Rex: Still sitting around?

You: Still sitting around. There are only so many times I can beat the same people in a card game before it gets boring.

Rex: Wish I could come rescue you.

You: If only.

Rex: Is it weird to miss you this much? Rex: I mean we're friends. Of course I'd miss you. Rex: But still. It feels different. Rex: And honestly, a little painful. Rex: Maker, that sounds pathetic, doesn't it? Rex: Ignore me. I'll be fine.

You: Not weird. You: And it's not pathetic. You: I miss you, too.

[.]

Rex: Sorry for dumping that on you earlier. Rex: You were probably busy.

You: Don't apologize. I'm glad you told me. You: Do you want to talk about it?

Rex: Maybe another time.

You: Whenever you're ready.

Rex: Thanks.

Rex: [Image attached]

You: Now wait a minute. I thought tooka holos were banned from our chat?

Rex: No, just you.

You: You’re so mean. You: Send me another.

Rex: [Image attached] Rex: His name is Cushnip.

You: I would kill for him.

Rex: You and me both.

Rex: Did you get that file I sent you?

You: The intel on the base? You: Yeah. You: Good work, by the way.

Rex: Just doing my job.

You: I know, but still. It was impressive. You: You always are.

Rex: Thanks. Rex: How are you holding up? I know we haven't gotten the chance to talk about your vision, or the training.

You: I'm okay.

Rex: Are you sure?

You: Yeah. Being around other people helps. Keeps my mind occupied.

Rex: What are you doing right now?

You: Talking to you.

Rex: Smartass.

You: We're playing Sabacc. I'm winning.

Rex: That's my girl.

You: I'll keep you updated.

Rex: You better.

Rex: Can't stop thinking about you.

You: Good. You: Because, same.

Rex: Oh good. Rex: Because if it was just me, that would be awkward.

You: Well we are friends, after all.

Rex: Yeah.

You: Right?

Rex: Definitely. Rex: So if you're around Coruscant anytime soon, maybe we can grab a drink? After sushi, obviously.

You: I would love that.

Rex: Good.

Rex: Echo’s gone.

You: What? What happened? You: [Incoming call. Duration 32 minutes]

You: I'm sorry I'm missing Echo's service. I wish I could be there.

Rex: No one blames you. Besides, Echo would want you to focus on the mission.

You: Maybe, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Rex: I know.

You: Tell Fives I'm thinking of him. And send everyone my condolences.

Rex: Will do.

You: Are you okay?

Rex: Yeah. Rex: No. Rex: No, not really. But I'll get there. Eventually.

You: I'm here for you. Always.

Rex: Same here.

You: Take care of yourself.

Rex: I will.

You: And Rex?

Rex: Yes?

You: When I get back, I'm hugging the hell out of you.

Rex: Please do.

You: We're about to go dark. Just wanted to let you know.

Rex: How long?

You: Don't know. It could be days, weeks, months. Maybe longer. You: Sorry.

Rex: Don't apologize. Just stay safe.

You: You know me.

Rex: Exactly.

You: I'll do my best. Take care of yourself.

Rex: You too.

Rex: I haven't heard from you in a while. Everything alright? Rex: I guess things must be crazy, wherever you are. Rex: Well, if you can, message me back. Just to let me know you're alive. Rex: Otherwise, stay safe out there.

Rex: Hey, did I send this already? Rex: [Image attached] Rex: I guess Fives must've taken it without us noticing. Rex: Not a bad picture, though. Rex: Are you getting these? Rex: You'd think they'd tell us if they'd lost contact with someone. Rex: Just, message me. Rex: When you get the chance.

Rex: I know you won’t see this for a while, but I figured it was worth a try. Rex: Just wanted to let you know we made it back to Coruscant safely. Also, I'm thinking about you. A lot. More than I probably should be. Rex: Sorry if that's too much. I hope it's not. Rex: Anyway, I hope you're safe and well. Rex: Please comm me as soon as you get this. Or whenever you have time. I'm sure you're busy, but if you can spare a minute, I'd appreciate it. Rex: Take care, cyar’ika.

Rex: Still nothing? Rex: Just checking. Rex: I hope you're okay. Rex: We all miss you. Rex: Come back soon.

Rex: You've been gone a month, and I miss you. Rex: I hate this. Rex: Not you, obviously. Just not seeing you. Rex: Or knowing where you are. Or what's happening. Rex: I know, logically, it's probably safer this way, but that doesn't make it any easier. Rex: Hope everything's alright. Rex: I wish I knew where you were. Rex: Sorry. I'm being selfish. You have more important things to worry about. Rex: Be careful out there. Come home safe. Please. Rex: I'll stop now.

Rex: I'm trying not to worry. Rex: Trying. Rex: Not succeeding, though. Rex: I hope things are going better for you than they are for me. Rex: At least a little.

Rex: I had a dream about you. Rex: Nothing weird. Just talking. Rex: It was a memory, actually. After Saleucami, when I was able to make it back to the camp, and you were waiting for me. Rex: You looked so relieved, and you threw yourself at me. Hugged me like your life depended on it. I think I realized how much I meant to you in that moment. Not romantically, of course, but still. Rex: It was a good dream. Rex: Kriff, what am I doing? Rex: You've only been gone two months. I shouldn't be acting like this. But it feels like so much longer. And it's just getting harder and harder. Rex: Anyway, I'm going to stop now. Rex: Be careful, cyar'ika.

You: Hey, I'm back. You: Sorry, didn't mean to be away for so long. Things are rough out here. You: I can't talk much, but I wanted to let you know that I'm okay. And I miss you. You: A lot. You: I'm hoping we can have that drink soon. And the sushi. And the hug. You: I could really use a good hug right now.

Rex: Oh thank the Maker. Rex: You have no idea how happy I am to hear from you. Rex: And same. For everything.

You: I should go, but I'll try to message you again soon. You: Stay safe.

Rex: You too.

Rex: I know the mission comes first, but can we at least chat sometimes? Rex: I'm trying not to be selfish. I know you have more important things to worry about, but this is killing me.

You: We can talk. Just not much.

Rex: That's all I ask. Rex: How's everything out there?

You: Terrible. It's getting worse. We lost some good people. Good men. You: Some of the guys have started talking about the future, about what we're going to do once this is all over. You: And I'm sitting there, listening, and it just feels like a lie. Like there's no point in planning anything.

Rex: There is a point. The war can't last forever. It won't. And even if it does, you'll still have a life. You'll still have a future.

You: I know, but it's hard. You: Hard to believe in something better, or to even think about a future. You: Sometimes, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of seeing you again.

Rex: I understand. Rex: And that's how I feel about you.

You: Really?

Rex: Of course. Rex: And as soon as you're able, we're having that drink. And dinner. And the hug. All of it. Rex: I'll take you out, and we can just forget about all of this for a little while. Sound good?

You: It does. Thank you. You: I'll talk to you soon.

Rex: Looking forward to it. Rex: Be careful out there. Stay safe.

You: Always.

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[rollyjogerjones]

Thoughts on OUAT S7 regarding Killian and Captain Swan.

I’ve been meaning to write something up about this for a while, as the hate has become overwhelming and certain individuals are being rude towards those who are remaining positive on season 7. Frankly, I’ve lost any will to not get involved. Here are my thoughts for those who care.

I don’t believe on any account that the writers will pull CS apart through divorce, death, falling out of love, *insert dumb idea here*. Emma is A&E’s creation. They have spent six years developing her and creating an entirely reversed definition of strength to what we have seen in female characters before. Emma has grown through allowing herself to love again and pushing her walls low enough for those loved ones to come into her life and potentially hurt/let her down. She has grown strong in finding vulnerability through her maternal role as Henry’s mother, daughter to Snow and Charming, friend of Storybrooke and Killian’s wife. Her romantic development with Killian has been crucial to her growth, hence the stress of importance on the wedding in 6x20. They will not jeopardise Emma’s growth like that. They have too much respect for Jen’s performance, their character and us, the fans. CS’s love and Emma’s strength in Killian’s partnership is safe.

After yesterday’s panel at D23 and Eddy stating, “the Hook we know only has eyes for Emma,” admittedly, I am now hesitant to say I’m confident Hook will not get a new LI (I’m wording ‘love interest’ in such a way as trolls latch to that and I’m game for some amusement. Also, I’m talking about cursed Hook). In that response, Eddy has confirmed though that Killian will not stop loving Emma. Look, we’ve known the dude for (almost) six seasons now. Emma is his world. Should cursed Officer Rogers get a new LI, the minute he comes out of the curse, he’s thinking of Emma and set on getting her back. He’ll fight tooth and nail for his wife. And is that really a horrid thing? It shows despite the curse and other lady friend, no one will compare. They’re true loves, for god’s sake.

Look, I don’t want to see a new LI either. But it will be a direct consequence of the curse. It will be fake, just as Whale’s dabble with Mary Margaret was. The writers will be playing directly off of a curse under which that relationship was formulated. It won’t last. If anything, this strengthens CS’s love story, and I’m big on that. 

Next topic, CS kid, woo! Eddy says, “We can’t say whether or not they have a child, but we can tell you we will answer that question in the beginning of the season.” Sure, it’s Kitsowitz’s typical cryptic answer, but should it be true, I am here for this! It’s no secret that I am trash for Daddy!Killian (I’ve written enough fics on it) but can you imagine the angst? I’m imagining the newly cast Rose Reynolds as Emma and Killian’s daughter. Killian has their daughter with him and they are both wrapped up in the curse, away from Emma. Killian is a single father who knows his wife as dead. ANGST. The curse is broken and Killian realises Emma is alive and he has to find her! MORE ANGST BUT HURRAY, REALISATION! Killian knows he cannot go barking to his daughter about her mother being alive, so he has to sit by and allow her to continue to believe it until he, Henry and Lucy find Emma or restore the kid’s memories. AAAAAAAAAAAAANGST. I would be so here for this - a single father Killian, working as a police officer with the knowledge that he is a widow, until a nutty young man swoops into his life with his daughter and turns his life upside down. GIVE IT TO ME.

JMo. Let’s talk JMo. Jen has said that she is returning for one more episode. The majority initially assumed that this would be for the premiere. I never believed this would be the case. Similarly to how we have seen in the past week with Lana and Jared’s scenes they shot in Steveston, Jared is returning for flashbacks and small snippets. It is likely that Jen will do the same, and so I believe she said she was returning for one episode in order to prevent disappointment among fans by assuring more, just in case her schedule doesn’t permit later down the line. In fact, I find it much more likely that she will appear in snippets in the upcoming Hook centric episode, 7x02. It is my personal belief above anything though that she will also return for the finale, if she is to film any episode in full, like she confirmed. That would make the most sense, if the curse was broken and Emma is reunited with her husband and kids.

Now for the part that will be most likely to create anger, Killian/Colin. My social media accounts leave nothing a secret. Colin is my favourite actor and Killian is my favourite character. Should I have to choose between Killian and Emma, I’m choosing Killian. That’s just my opinion. I love Emma, but Hook is more entertaining to me. It sucks that we won’t have frequent CS anymore. I hate that. But I for one am thrilled and relieved that I’m not losing both of my favourite characters at once. If I were to choose between having no Colin/Hook on my screen or having the show end entirely, you better believe I’m pushing for more of Colin doing his thing. 

Killian has become one half of a ship in the past few years. Even Rumple has referred to him as “the Saviour’s lapdog” or “a puppy chasing after the object of his affections.” Sure, they’re lines intended as jokes, but really, I cannot remember a time in recent seasons where Killian has had his own plots, not directly tied to Emma. We got a glimpse of it in season 6 regarding David’s father, but even that was overridden with the angst of the first engagement, Emma’s feelings and Gideon being a little bitch. I miss Killian doing his own thing. I miss his plots not directly tied to Emma or written in order to develop Emma’s character. I miss his emotions being considered and not shoved aside because “everyone in Storybrooke cares for Emma and Killian is just the redeemed villain who is dating her.” Killian has become a plot device, and as much as I don’t like to think about it, I’m excited to see who Killian is and the plots he is given without Emma looming over him. Sure, you can argue, “But they’re married! They will always be tied!” But when you have a character whose emotions, personality and development is pushed aside in order to further another character, you’re going to have issues. Seeing a cursed Killian will allow for a few episodes of looking inwards on Hook, not just Emma’s Hook. 

I love Colin. What he puts into Hook and his work on this show astounds me. Every performance increases my admiration for him tenfold. I want more. I want to see another side to Hook in his cursed self and a paternal dynamic towards a possible child. I need it all. Now that he is one of three remaining regulars from the original cast, I’m excited for more of that screen time, development and plot. 

Finally, before I release this monstrous post into the world, I want to reiterate some things before I get an unjustified shit storm in my inbox. Just in case the first two points were lost on some people: 

1. I ship Captain Swan. If you look through my account, that is clear. I love Emma and Hook, both as a couple and their own characters. They are the healthiest example of a relationship I have seen in television and film and likely always will be to me. 2. I adore Emma. I am so proud of her growth and Jen’s performance as her speaks to me on a much more personal level than Killian does. The writers have written and Jen has breathed life into a character that will eternally inspire young girls to allow help and care from loved ones. They have given a new definition to what is considered strong.  3. I am not pleased that we are losing so many of our beloved characters. I will miss regular appearances from Jen and the others to no end, particularly Josh. Farewell, Captain Charming! The bromance to end all bromances.  4. I do not believe for a second that those who are choosing to stop watching the show now are not fans. I don’t believe that those who will not watch because their fave has left are lesser fans of Once Upon A Time than myself. We all have our reasons to continue watching shows, and if yours has gone, I understand that! Hell, if Colin left, I likely wouldn’t watch.

That addressed, I will allow you all to drink this in.