#I forgot people dont stay up until dumb hours of the night

[simpfortheseven]

Hey I hope you're doing well please take care of your health and also feel free to not do this request if it feels like too much but if you don't mind can you please do a hc for the om brothers when mc is sleep deprived and needs the bros to cuddle her to fall asleep? Thank you so much!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Obey Me: MC who is sleep deprived, so the bros cuddling them to get them to sleep/MC asks for a nap and cuddles

Yall know what time it is. Its time for me to finally answer at least one of my Asks that have been sitting here for a long long time. Im sorry for thw wait^^ I finally got into therapy, So im feeling a lot better💖 Im also sorry this took so long, my school recently went online due to ✨rona✨ so I forgot to answer this. Anyways! I wrote about a gender neutral MC for this and there are no triggers except lots of cuddling and soft touches.

Did this for the lovely @luminouslydark ^^

Lucifer

After getting done with his work at around 1am (early for him but ya know), He went by your room to make sure you didnt go to the attic check on you

He found you tossing and turning, which surprised him a little. Hadnt he sent you to bed a few hours ago?

You heard him open the door, and looked at him softly. "MC, youre supposed to be asleep."

"I cant sleep," You said softly. "I.. Can you hug me? Just until I can fall asleep?"

The dark haired demon was surprised. You were asking him for cuddles? He wasnt normally asked for that.

He didnt complain, however. He went over to you, wrapping his arms around you. His hands found their place around your waist, gently holding you against his chest. You could hear his heart beating, soft and rhythmic. His warm embrace and the soft beating of his heart eventually lulled you to sleep.

Mammon

This man, oh boy.

We all know he bursts into your room whenever he wants. Well one night, he decides its a great idea to run into your room at 1am to talk about how great it would be to make money off of 'those dumb videos humans are always watchin'!'

When he runs in, it scares the hell out of you (hA get it). You jump up, which makes Mammon jump to.

"Hey, Human! Youre supposta be asleep!"

"Thats hard to do when crazy people like you always run in!"

"Jeez, ok ok. im sorry,"

"It will take more than an apology to make it up to me." You open your arms, looking up at him tiredly.

Lets just say that he went r e d. This man, hes just a blushing awkward mess. "Uh- Well, I mean, of course you wanna cuddle with The Great Mammon!"

He sat next to you wrapping his arms around you all flustered. His heart was rapid, which made you smile. You let your eyes close. The avatar of greed however stayed awake, not caring how tired he was. He wanst going to miss a moment of holding you.

Levi

The purple haired Avatar of Envy tended to play video games late into the night. Of course, he found a new game on Shteam (i dont know what its called there), which means he had to download it on his phone and to run to your room to tell you about it (You got the yucky otaku to leave his room, Congrats!)

He burst in the door, "MC!! WAKE UP!!" You were already awake, so you sat up. Hw was a little surprised you were awake. "GUESS WHAT??"

"What is it, Levi?" You asked curiously.

"A NEW GAME CAME OUT, ITS GOT -bla bla game stuff-!!!"

"Oh that's awesome, Levi!" You smiled at him sleepily.

"Right!" He smiled happily. "I want to play it with you, can i?"

"Hm.. I'm really tired, Levi. But you can cuddle me and play at the same time if you want?" You knew you wouldn't be able to get him to cuddle if you said it was because you couldn't sleep.

He awkwardly sat on your bed, your head finding a place on his chest as he "played his game". In reality, he was just internally screaming.

Satan

Getting the avatar of wrath to cuddle you to sleep was easy enough. You knew he would most likely be up late reading, so as you carefully climbed over his mountains of books to reach his bed, you sat on his bed.

This shook the blonde demon enough to make him look up from his book.

"MC? What are you doing?"

"Satan, i'm super tired and can't sleep.. Could you cuddle me?" You asked quietly.

"Ah," He nodded, scooting over a little and patting the space next to him. "You need to sleep, MC. Its imporant to your health."

You laid with him, letting him wrap his arms around you. He kept reading ad you slept, his soft heartbeat helping you drift off to sleep.

Asmo

Spa day had alwags been a great way to relax for the two of you, spending time with you always helped Asmodeous relax. But maybe you started relaxing to hard.. You started to fall asleep while doing face masks.

"MC!" the strawberry blonde shook your shoulder. You bolted awake. "No wonder you looked so dreadful! You havent been sleeping, have you?"

"I havent been sleeping well, no," You said quietly.

"Then this calls for some beauty rest!" He scrubbed off the face masks before making you lay down in his huge bed. He of course laid down with you, cuddling you and playing soft binaural beats to help lull you into a deep rest.

Beel and Belphie

The oranged haired demon had (once again) snuck to the kitchen. You had wandered down there looking for him, part of your tasks with lucifer and you could always count on Beel to sneak you a piece of whatever you ate. Soon enough, you saw him eating out of the fridge.

"Beel?" You went over. He didnt turn, just handed you a slice of pizza. "Cmon, you know Lucifer will kill us both if you eat all of it."

"I know," He said, turning to face you. "Im just so hungry.."

Before you could speak, a voice chimed in from the doorframe. "You guys are to loud," Belphie was there, cow pillow in hand.

"Oh sorry," Beel said. "MC, lets go eat in my room." you nodded, Beel leading you towards his room. It was only after you were already laying down did you see Belphie had followed. You tilted your head, but Belphie just plopped down ontop of you. Beel put his arm around the two of you, eating his pizza quietly.

After you finished your slice, you could hear Belphie soft snoring.

"You should sleep. You look tired. And dont worry, I'll get Belphie up in the morning." Beel said, nodding at you. Being sandwiched between them, you didnt have much of a choice. You slowly drifted off, Belphies snoring lulling you to sleep.

-----

sorry this took so long and they kinda suck ;-;

[minhothebighoe]

2:03 pm I Love You

Requested: yes: “Hey babes, hope your doing swell❤ What about Felix ( stray kids ) with a self conscious s/o? Like, she just doesn't thing she's good enough for him + so he hard core comforts her. Cuddles her until she gives up type thing. Possibly smut but if you don't write smut for him just fluff is fine.”

Word Count: 3.1 k

Summary: Your relationship with Felix was great at first, but when you two got caught in public it changed your life for the worst.

Warnings: mentions of feeling depressed, mentions of sex, small amounts of smut (just don’t blink), a mention of degradation kink (AGAIN DONT BLINK). And a cute/ sexy Felix

**also I haven’t proofread yet so hope it’s not too bad lololol, also maybe pt. 2 ???***

+

“Babe please tell me what’s wrong”

Felix sighed deeply, before laying a hand on my bare shoulder, gripping tightly at the exposed skin that poked out of my sweater. He looked and concentrated on me with worry and sadness that was clearly displaying on his soft features; his eyes showing nothing but pure and utter remorse. I turned away and stared at the floor silently with pure guilt and anxiety that was building and starting to weigh heavily on my chest. I hated myself for the fact that I was the one causing him to feel this way.

Things have been shitty for a while now, and I’m not talking about Felix or anything about him. Felix is literally the light of my life, and it’s not an understatement when I say I would literally take a bullet for the boy or give up my life to save his. Everything that is wrong is because of me, myself, and I.

Things were more than amazing in the beginning when no one knew of us together. When Felix could visit or hang out we would mostly just Sneak around and hide the fact we were an item. It was definitely hard most times,especially for him; he wanted nothing more than to show me off to the world, but at the same time it was oh so exciting. Even though Felix wanted to come out to the world as more than close friends he also loved concealing our relationship. He being the dirty Aussie boy he is admittedly ached to fuck me in public anywhere that he could get his hands on me, and shit, it was our dirty little secret.

However, things mostly took a toll for the worst when dispatch caught us together, and stays all over found out about the relationship.

It was late at night, Felix and I were at a park close to my home, and me being the dumb ass I am, was not thinking coherently. All I was thinking of was the lovely night me and my beautiful boyfriend were having, and the fact that he was physically there with me. At no time did it occur to me to think that other people would be up at the god awful hour.

In the moment, Felix was chasing me on the open grass field, and we were both happy and content. We didn’t need much more than each other to have a good time or have fun.

“You’ll never catch me!” I laughed, running faster away from my playful boyfriend who was right on my tail. I however, knew for fucking sure he was definitely gonna get me, I just wanted to tease the poor lad and get him all worked up.

Not even 10 seconds later he caught a hold of my hand and before I knew it, we both came to a dead halt. I turned around to face him and capture him at the moment, it almost felt like one of those cheesy kdrama moments where everything is in slow motion. His beautiful dark eyes stared lovingly and deep into my own. His chest was heaving up and down and all I could hear was the sound of his heavy breaths parting from those big beautiful pouty lips. He leaned his forehead onto mine before speaking with that sinful voice of his,

“God you have no idea what the fuck you do to me.”

That beautiful playful smile was now a wicked and sexy smirk, and god did I love it.

He pulled me closer to where my chest was touching his long lean frame; I felt his hands slowly travel and make their way down to my hips, it was almost teasingly unhurried. I felt a soft squeeze on the flesh, and a painful chill make its way up throughout my body. I thought I forgot how to breathe at that very moment.

Meanwhile felix’s eyes had never left mine, causing a certain feeling make its way through out my core deep within. I was aching for him to touch me, and I could tell he couldn’t wait any longer as well.

God you have no idea what you do to me, Felix.

He continued to smirk at me before impulsively bringing his lips down to my neck with such vigor and pure lust. I brought my hands instantly from his chest and placed them at the back of his head running them through and tugging on his sexy red locks. I gasped for air as I felt his teeth nip slightly at my flesh, hitting that sweet spot just right below my earlobe. He slowly proceeded to run his tongue over the bite mark before sucking ever so mercilessly. I could feel the heat rapidly making a pool in my underwear, and I didn’t know how much longer I could wait for him to touch me.

“F-Felix please.” I pleaded.

He detached his lips from my neck, and I could instantly feel a cool breeze attack the spot where his mouth once was.

He stared devilishly at me, his pupils getting blacker, before speaking

“Awe is my baby girl getting impatient…. don’t worry darling I’ll fuck you right.” I gulped; He leaned in again, and I could feel his hot breath hit the inside of my ear causing goosebumps to arise and my complexion go pale.

“I just wanna play with you first.”

I stared at Felix as my mouth went dry and my mind buzzed. His words alone were enough to get me off, and all I wanted was for him to rip my skirt off and fuck me right then and there.

But Then…..that’s when I heard it.

**click**

I snapped out of the trance like state, and forcefully pulled myself away from Felix’s body. I automatically knew exactly what that sound was and it was almost an instant shock of anxiety that rolled throughout my body. I looked over to Felix and I could tell he felt the exact same way.

“C’mon babe we have to go.” Even though he was trying to rush me, he said it as calminglyas possible.

** click **

As we moved quicker away, the more rapid the noise was becoming. Felix and I moved speedily, giving even Usain Bolt a run for his money, trying to get away from the situation. However, we both knew it was too late and the damage was most likely done. We were already caught and red handed at that.

“People are going to find out” I thought, anxiety filled my entire being with the thought. What will they think? This wasn’t no ordinary fan base I was going up against, these are kpop stans the most frightening yet loyal fans to ever exist. They were going to completely and utterly judge me.

and that they did.

-

It had only been 1 month since the pictures had come out of Felix and I embracing each other at the park, and let’s just say the backlash was worse than what I was expecting. Each day was more shoddy than the last, it seemed as each hour passed the more shit I was getting and the more comments filled my Social media telling me I wasn’t good enough, or that I was too ugly, too fat, and so on. At first it didn’t really bother me, I had hoped changing my profiles to private would help, and get people to calm down about the situation, and it did for a while. However me being me, I couldn’t help myself to search and see what the fans were saying,and as much as I wanted to ignore it, I couldn’t fucking do it.

“Ugly bitch, Felix deserves so much better.”

ugh.

“Where the hell did he find her? Probably some whore.”

Woah.

“Fat ugly bitch should lose some weight, she’s going to crush our poor Felix.”

Ow.

“They’ll never last SHE'S just another slut I mean look how short her skirt is in that picture, such a sleeze”

Okay then.

A couple more months had passed and I thought it would die down but for some reason it never did and as the number of comments and articles grew, I felt my deepest insecurities grow as well, drowning out any ounce of confidence I once had.

The fat comments were an especially hard pill to swallow as I had always been insecure about my weight. Even though deep down I knew I wasn’t “fat” I still had trouble looking at a mirror and being happy with the way I looked. And having a boyfriend who is an international heart throb did not make things easier to say the least.

“Why aren’t you eating babe?”

“You‘ve lost some weight love since the last time I saw you, I’m a little concerned”

“Babe please eat something, are you okay?”

Felix had seemed to have asked these questions quite a few times in the past months, and I would always reply with the same short answers along with a fake smile.

“Lixie I’m fine, I promise.”

“I’m just not hungry.”

“Ohh I just ate I’m okay.”

It wasn’t just the fat comments not causing me to eat, it was everything that was sending me into a spiral of self hatred and let’s just say: my very own demise. I had lost all appetite because all I could think of were those millions of fans telling me how ugly and disgusting I was, and, oh yeah, that I should do Felix a favor and just kill myself. And the most annoying thing was, I had no idea why it was even getting to me so much. It just hurt knowing that practically a whole fan base hated you because you loved someone so unconditionally, and you couldn’t do a thing about it or change their mind.

And I started to believe every damn word that was thrown at me.

I was too scared to even leave my home knowing that people knew who I was and how I looked. I didn’t want to risk it. I was scared, point, blank, and period. Sadly, I didn’t have anyone to confide in. I had always been mostly independent and an introvert so friends were very few and far inbetween;I didn’t want to worry my poor parents, as they would be devastated and heartbroken to know their little girl was feeling this broken. And, I couldn’t tell my boyfriend because he was busy most of the time getting ready for a fucking world tour to notice, and there was no way in hell I was going to distract him from that, so me being very discouraged to bring this up to anyone, kept to myself and thought being alone was the best option.

At least that’s what I thought I could do.

I guess I was naive thinking I could hide and push away my own feelings, but every negative thought, moment of regret, and all my insecurities were starting to show and make their way from the dark abyss and pile to the surface. I wanted anything but to worry Felix with my issues, however everything was becoming way too hard to mentally bare and I was reaching above my boiling point.

“Y/N, please for fucks sake talk to me, don’t you understand I’m here for you? Don’t you understand I can tell when something is wrong?”

Felix, who was sitting next to me, quickly got down on his knees in front of me. He placed a hand lovingly on my cheek, softly rubbing soothing circles with the pad of his thumb on the skin, causing me to feel somewhat calm.

I didn’t want to tell him how I was feeling partially because I didn’t know how to explain it. There’s just so much going on inside my head that it feels as if I’m at war with my own consciousness.

“I-I’m fine baby I p-promise I ju-“ tears were threatening to spill and I couldn’t even look him in the eyes.

“Bull fucking shit (y/n). You for the past 8 months have been anything but yourself, you’ve lost so much fuckin weight to the point where you’re skin and bones, you’re not eating, and I- I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, and it fucking hurts to see you like this and I-“ tears streamed down Felix’s face, and he cupped my chin and forced me to look into him.

Everything was accumulating and it was starting to reach a point where hiding these demons was not in the question anymore. Seeing Felix in this much pain because of me, tipped me beyond off the scale and I felt almost angry that all this bullshit had happened. Am I weak for wanting to tell him?

Would he be able to handle it?

As I was building the courage to speak, I turned my head away again hearing my phone vibrate. I could see the notifications building up from Twitter on the screen from the previous hour; Felix noticed too and instantly shot out his hand to grab my device.

“Felix baby no do-.”

I tried to grab the annoying hardware before Felix could see anything, it it was too late. His eyes widened.

“Kill yourself you stupid bitch,

you’re so unworthy of a man like Felix like actual filth lmao,

You’re an ugly fat whore who will never amount to anything ,

Watch out Felix, she’s only with you for your money”

As Felix read the words aloud it felt as if thousands of knives were being stabbed into my body over and over again, but all I could do was stare at the floor in front of me, and not dare to look at Felix. I didn’t want him to know things were this bad, I tried to shield him from the pain I was feeling because he didn’t deserve to be included in the affliction. My heart hurt but I wasn’t going to let him be included in that agony.

I loved him too much.

“Baby….” I could feel his eyes bore into my figure and at that moment I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Everything that had pent up over the past months finally spilled out into the open atmosphere, and holy shit I was a sopping mess to say the very least. I huddled over as the sobs poured out of my mouth, they were mixed with so much vexation, sorrow, and panic as I didn’t know how to feel. Felix quickly sat next to me and put an arm over my physique, pulling me in closer to his broad frame. My head lay atop his lap while I cried as much as I could. He peacefully stroked my hair with his fingers, and every once in a while layed some soft kisses atop my head.

I leaned my head to fit in the crook of his neck,taking in the scent of his cologne. He held onto me tight, as if he was never going to let me go again.

“Baby, all this time…. why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was almost quivering but I knew he wasn’t going to cry.

“I- I didn’t want to worry you, you had so much to do for the tour and I thought it was dumb an-“ he stopped me.

“(Y/N) it’s not dumb that people are harassing you and making you feel this way. Listen, I love my fans each and every single one of them. However, you have to realize that in every good person there are another 5 evil ones who don’t respect mine or your feelings for one another, and those people are not true fans.”

He brought my face to look at his.

“Listen darling, I love you and if some people can’t respect that then, that’s their problem. Our love is stronger than this and I know we will overcome this hurdle. That’s all it is, these comments don’t matter they’re just people who have no respect or no life to worry about and all they want to do is take that anger and hurt into other people. But holy shit, I just thank god nobody hurt you or physically or came after you….I don’t know what I would do.” Felix kissed my nose and stroked the top of my hand with his very own sending small impulses of electricity up my body. The heat of his body comforted me and I had never felt more love for him than in that very moment. For once I could finally breathe again and smile.

Felix brought a hand to cup my cheek, the palm of his hand felt so reassuring as he brought his soft lips down to mine gently and with such passion. He kissed me as if we had all the time in the world yet it also felt as if it was our last moment together. The world could’ve ended right then and there and I would’ve felt content being in his arms.

I guess I learned it’s not good to hold things in, and now I know if I’m ever feeling sad or hurt that there are people who love me and are willing to listen. And as much as I wanted them to be, my problems were not small especially if they had me feeling the way I did. I don’t have to be alone even in my darkest thoughts or weakest moments.

All I know is Felix lifted a weight off my chest that was too heavy for me to even nudge. And for him I am more than thankful.

“Also those comments are bullshit because if anything darling you’re to good for me princess .”

I smirked at him.

“Oh really now.”

“Yeah but let’s get one thing straight.” I eyed him as he bit his lip, he coyly took the soft skin in between his teeth as his eyes went dark.

“ the only person who can call you a filthy whore is me. Got it?”

[knoxhq]

► ( rudy pankow & cis male ) according to the school’s records, knox drury is a 22-YEAR-OLD senior studying political science, and he lives over in moriarty. he is a gemini, so that must be why others describe him as dignified, humorous, cowardly and naive. when i see him, i’m reminded of walking into class an hour late with sunglasses on, the feeling of anticipation as you wait for a firework to fully blossom, the sound of party music leaking through the walls of a bathroom. ( gibby, 20, they/them, est. ) ◄

hello everyone !! so i won’t even lie to u guys, i am NERVOUS and it’s literally only bc this is the first group i’ve joined in so long like dfdhkjsfjad the last group i was in was almost a year ago but i ended up having to leave due to personal reasons and didn’t get to write so like !!! idk i’m excited !! anyways w that in mind, pls bARE with me bc i have like one (1) braincell and i forgot how to write intros. anyways enough of me rambling, lemme give you knox !!

also this is a bad intro pls dont judge me im trying 2 like. rewrite what i had b4 the storm took it out n like, i lost the braincell

basics. 

full name: knox hale drury.

nicknames: drury.

age: twenty two.

gender and pronouns: cis male and he/him

sexual & romantic orientations: bisexual, biromantic, femme leaning.

major: political science.

housing: moriarty.

backstory.

triggers: implied bullying, police and incarceration ( dw i didn’t make him jj 2.0 ).

nobody gets to pick their beginnings. it’s something that people tell knox all the time, hell, it’s plastered in every stupid coming of age movie, book, film, everything he’s ever seen. you don’t pick who your born into, you don’t pick who you get to be. and to an extent, he does think that this is true but he can’t help but wonder if maybe, if people could pick, if they’d pick differently. because he knows he certainly would pick differently.

it’s not that he even came from a bad home - hell no, he had the most loving family ever. his mother was a saint, a warm sensation bubbling up in his chest when he thinks about her warm cookies or the way she tried to still tuck him in even as a teenager. his father had his flaws, we all do, but he was a good and honest man. hardworking, he showed knox what that stupid american dream is that everyone likes to preach about. 

no, it had nothing to do with them but rather the overall opinion on him and his family. see, the drury’s weren’t well liked - they were seen as lowlives and as shady, the kind of people who you’d only go to if you wanted to get stabbed in the back. generations of drury’s fit this narrative but no, his father was determined to change that. and so was he, even if nobody around him seemed to want to give him a chance. 

knox would go throughout school with this name attached to him like a dagger to his throat - whisperings in the hallway of, “oh, my mom said the drury boy might be steal things if you let him over,” and other random, rude remarks. of course, the people that get close to him know better - they see him for who he really is.

that person is knox. he’s a golden light, often more selfless than the rich pricks who run that small town. he’d give his jacket or umbrella to people even if they didn’t ask if it just so happened to be raining outside, and despite the fact that his family didn’t have a lot, he’d still go out of his way to try to give when he could. 

he eventually graduated high school - one of the top people in his class due to his father’s encouragement, and after a lot of debate, settled on attending haddon university - miles away from that sweet, small little hometown he knew, but a fresh start where he didn’t have to work for anything. he could just go in being him, with nobody attaching a new narrative to him. it was what he wanted, what he dreamed of.

and he loved it. his first semester there was memorable as he found himself surrounded by new friends and people he even considered family. back home, however, things were slipping.

the drury family was never rich, ever by any means, but business was low. nobody wanted to go there, fearing that his father was just as shady as his grandfather. as things got worse, his father had to resort to other needs - stealing, lying about taxes, and doing everything he could to try to make it by. 

it finally caught up to him when knox came home for spring break - red and blue lights flashing outside as loud noises went on throughout the house, until finally someone swung knox’s door open and briefly blinded him with a flashlight, demanding to know where his father was. by the time knox got a grasp on the situation, his father was being rushed off in the back of a cop car. 

he plead guilty almost immediately and for the next few months, knox did school from home to stay with his mother. it was then that he switched his major from what had initially been just a vague, business degree to political science in hopes of going into law after getting that degree - a way of changing things, of helping people so they never got to that point. 

for now though, he’s gone back to haddon’s campus where he study’s away and occasionally finds himself slipping and partying, glasses always covering his eyes as he slinks back class, getting almost nO sleep every night.

study.

so i need u to know right now... knox is baby, FDSHJDFSHAJK

like he’s not by any means like he’s kinda a gross dude like, absolutely randomly burps n is like lol oops n shit, very little manners, will grab clothes off of the floor to put them on kind of man BUT LIKE as a whole ?? he means very well FDSJFAHJ he’s very gentle and will sit there and admire flowers on a bush and then get mad if u pick one bc ur hurting it like. he’s baby.

he also is very loyal to the ppl he’s friends w tbh like. damn he will never leave ur side

that also makes him kinda... super, actually, naive. you see, while knox is incredibly loyal, he often finds himself ignoring signs of toxicity for the sake of preserving a friendship - he fights for people who won’t fight for him, he lets people back in too easily, he just. he sees the good in everyone, even if there isn’t any good.

regardless, he’s not easy to just... manipulate to an extent. while he’ll fall for you being innocent, you can’t ever try to make him think he’s something he’s not - he knows his intentions and he knows they’re usually pure and he’s not gonna fold for anyone if it comes down to him or them. 

bt like again he’s baby

like i dont think he ever gets mad but damn when he does its probs scary as shit like bc he nEVER gets mad !!! hes like. a golden retriever ig

if u cannot tell im trying really hard not to make him too much like jj bc i realize that might be a big thing ppl do n i dont think jj is baby bt like. knox? knox is baby DSFHJKFDHKJ 

he’s just. idk. he’s very protective and cares about his friends a lot and will walk you home even if you went to HIS place and like is always ready to give you a jacket if it’s raining and he’s just lowkey a big, kinda dumb at times, teddy bear and i think that’s valid tyvm 

wanted connections.

friends. — please. knox will lOVE ur muses just let him be their friend tyvm plus he’s a bit of a social butterfly now and i think he’d honestly have a lot of friends.

best friend. — i’m gonna keep this to one muse bc idk i think it’d be really cute if knox got to have his own like, ride or die where they care abt him as much as he cares about them and they’re always there for each other and like !!! that’s cute !!! also found family trope bc i think that is.. again, kyoot, ty

frienemies. — so these are always like, super fun to plot out and i think there’s a lot to work w here... like give me ppl who are happy that knox is loyal and would defend them but would push knox to the side n not do the same for him... also friendships where knox fucked up ?? where knox, despite his goodness, couldn’t keep his mouth shut and revealed a secret to their friend group bc u see he can kinda be a gossip fsjfdaskj. idk there’s a lot u can do n i’d love to brainstorm!

enemies. — pls. like. we can brainstorm this too so i dont just ramble but pLEASE?? please.

flings. — honestly romantic ships are not the point of rps but romantic flings and stuff can be really fun to plot and i love getting soft about them so like ?? idk dude lets fling it up n have muses date for two weeks n then break up like thats swexi, dramatic, 10/10

exes. — i mean this is kind of like flings but i have an idea... give me an ex of knox’s who really was like. everything knox wanted. hell, the two had a really good relationship - they were in love and etc etc gushy details but they ended up breaking up bc they just. they weren’t meant to be! as sad as it is like it was as simple as that! and then the angst comes in after they break up bc god they still love each other so much but they just aren’t meant to be and they see them with other people and oh it just hurts but like, bonus points if they manage to become good friends even after this !! (sidenote, idk i wouldn’t want this to be a full ship tht gets back together bc idk i think there’s a bittersweetness in stuff like this n its just. like. its ok !!! idk !!! )

roommates. — and they were roomates- fdshjkfdsahjk

other things. — honestly these are half assed plots but i’m down for anything !!! i’m still fleshing out knox a lil too bc i really did make him on the spot so pls bare w me :)

[lexiraq]

Hey! for the prompts can u do some angst with #5 #31 and #93 but like with a happy ending caus i dont want my heart hurting but i like some spice. also with reddie please and thx

“why do you hate me?” + “i fucked up” + “are you high?”

word count: 2,910

ao3 link

Friday night was designated date night in the Uris household, meaning Stan had the night to himself. He was enjoying his alone time, smoking and reading his ornithology books, when there was a loud knock on the front door. Confused, Stan got up from his bed and approached the sound. Upon opening the door, he was met with a visibly upset Eddie Kaspbrak, whose face was stained with drying tears.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Stan asked, voice dripping with concern. Eddie wasn’t one to cry a lot, especially not in front of others, so Stan knew that whatever was going on was seriously affecting the boy.

“I fucked up,” Eddie said pointedly. Stan ushered him inside and sat with him on the edge of his bed.

“What happened?” Stan asked in a comforting voice, gently rubbing up and down his best friend’s back.

Eddie sat with his head in his hands and mumbled, “Richie is avoiding me.”

Stan smirked to himself, knowing all to well what the issue was. I should’ve known it had to do with Richie. Can these idiots just figure it out already? he thought to himself.

“Why do you say that?” Stan asked, feigning cluelessness.

“Well, he hasn't wanted to hang out as much and he hasn’t made as many dumb jokes as he usually does. We’ve always been comfortable being super close but lately he’s been backing off and I don’t know what I did,” Eddie said, sounding distressed as he fell backward onto the bed. He landed on something and when he went to move it from underneath him, his eyes widened.

“Stanley, what is this?” Eddie asked, in a way that meant he already knew the answer. Stan looked over, letting out a little gasp when he saw what Eddie was holding up. Shit, he thought, I forgot I had that out.

“Oh, it’s just, uh…” he started, nervously, “pot,” he said guiltily.

“Since when do you smoke?” Eddie asked, genuinely shocked.

“I dunno,” Eddie raised his eyebrows, “It just helps me relax, okay? Let’s get back to your problem,” Stan said defensively.

Eddie sighed, “Right. That. I don't know what to do Stan,” he said desperately.

“While that’s certainly weird behavior coming from Richie of all people, the only way you’re gonna figure this out is by talking to him,” Stan said.

“Don’t you think I’ve tried that? I haven't even been able to talk to him long enough to bring it up! He runs off as soon as he can!” Eddie said impatiently.

“You need to confront him, make him talk about it. Even if he doesn't want to. You deserve an explanation and no one can give it to you but him,” Stan said.

“How do I do that? We’re never alone at school and every time I call his house he says he’s busy. He won’t talk to me,” Eddie said.

“Show up unannounced. Maggie loves you, and she’d be more than happy to let you in to see him, or to let you wait for him if he really is busy,” Stan said.

Eddie let out a big sigh, “Okay, I’ll go in a little while. You don’t mind if I stay here and calm myself down first, right?” he said.

“Not at all. I’m always happy to help in a crisis,” Stan said with a smile.

Eddie gave a small laugh, “Yeah,” he said, eyes scanning the room. His gaze landed on something and his curiosity peaked, “Hey, does this really work?” he asked, picking up the bag of pot.

“It takes the edge off, yeah. Why do you ask?” Stan said, confusion evident on his face.

“Could I, uh…try some?” Eddie asked nervously.

Stan’s eyes widened, “Um, are you sure you want to?” Stan asked, growing less confused and more concerned.

“Well you said it takes the edge off, and I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m very on edge right now,” Eddie said.

“Well, I guess you could try some, but only a little. If you’re really sure,” said Stan.

“Okay how do I do this?” Eddie asked. Stan showed him carefully and watched with caution as he took his first hit. After a few minutes, he admitted, he felt a little better.

“Glad it helped. I’m shocked Eddie, I didn't think this would be your thing,” Stan said.

“How do you think I felt when I found it in your room of all places?” Eddie said with a smirk.

“Fair point. Just don’t tell the other losers, please?” Stan asked seriously.

“Your secret’s safe with me,” Eddie said sincerely.

“Now let’s get you off to see your lover boy!” Stan said.

“He is not my lover boy,” Eddie said, appalled.

“We’ll see about that,” Stan mumbled to himself.

“What?” Eddie asked.

“Nothing. Now, off you go!” Stan said, ushering his friend out the front door. Before he closed the door, Eddie turned and gave him a hug.

“Thank you, Stan,” he said, before walking down the steps and off to Richie’s.

—

Eddie approached the Tozier household and knocked on the door. He waited a few seconds before nerves started to bubble up inside him once again. The door opened a beat later and he was greeted with a smile from the lovely Maggie Tozier.

“Hello, Eddie! What a nice surprise, we haven't seen you in a while,” she said in the cordial way she always does.

“That’s actually why I came. Is Richie here?” Eddie asked.

“No, sorry. He left about an hour ago. He said something about meeting you kids at your ‘secret spot,’” Maggie said.

The clubhouse, Eddie thought.

“Do you want to come in and wait? I don’t know how long he’ll be, but we have leftovers from dinner if you're hungry,” Maggie said invitingly.

“No, thank you. I know where he is now, I’ll go find him,” Eddie said with a thankful smile. He turned on his heel and ran down the street.

—

Eddie slowed his pace and began thinking of what to say to Richie, but it only made him more nervous. There were a lot of things he wanted to say, but very few he would be willing to admit aloud. As he got closer to his destination, he found himself pulling something out of his back pocket. It was pot he snuck out of Stan’s house.

Maybe it wasn't the smartest move to sneak it out, but he wanted it, just in case he needed another wave of relaxation. He took some, well, a lot, and by the time he got to where he needed to be, he felt serene. He opened the hatch and started climbing down the ladder, missing a step in his haze and falling to the floor. By the time he realized what happened, there were hands on his shoulders and a voice saying his name.

“Eddie, are you okay?” the voice asked, full of concern.

“Richie?” Eddie said, hyper aware of the boy kneeling in front of him.

“Yeah, it’s me. Are you okay?” Richie replied, emphasizing his previous question.

“I’m fine. I need to talk to you,” Eddie said firmly.

“Oh, um, okay,” Richie said warily. He didn't want to do this right now, but he didn't have an excuse to leave and he was too worried about the hard fall Eddie just took. He helped the boy up and gestured toward the hammock. Eddie started to walk over, but Richie noticed how disoriented he was and could smell the drugs on him.

“Are you high?” Richie asked, stunned.

“Maybe a little,” Eddie said with a giggle.

“Why? How did you even get pot in the first place?” Richie asked, dismayed.

“Doesn’t matter. What does matter is you avoiding me,” Eddie said in an accusatory voice.

Richie looked down, “I didn’t mean to, I just—“

“Why do you hate me?” Eddie asked wistfully.

Richie looked up quickly, “What? Eddie, I could never hate you,” he said reassuringly.

“Then why have you been acting this way?” Eddie demanded.

“I just—I’ve been scared!” Richie said.

“Scared of what?” Eddie cried.

Richie paused for a moment, thinking. “I want to tell you, I do, but I don’t want to lose you,” he said, voice breaking.

Eddie grabbed his hand, “You’re not gonna lose me, Rich,” he said.

Richie looked up and they locked eyes, and he could tell that Eddie meant what he said.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “But not right now. Not when you’re high. How about you stay the night at my place and we’ll talk in the morning, yeah? That way your mom doesn't see you like this and I can make sure you're safe,” Richie offered.

“I’d like that. I’m holding you to your word, Tozier,” Eddie said.

“I promise,” Richie said holding out his pinky. Eddie intertwined it with his own.

Richie let out a quiet laugh, “Okay, let’s go.”

—

Richie got Eddie into his house and upstairs with no problems. His parents were happy to see the two of them hanging out again, they gladly let Eddie sleepover and offered to call his mom to let her know.

Eddie got under the covers as Richie started making himself a makeshift bed on the floor.

“Oh, come on. You know you don’t have to do that. This is what I was talking about earlier, you won’t even sleep in the same bed as me anymore,” Eddie said, sounding more upset than he intended.

Richie didn't have a good argument, and he was tired, so he succumbed and said, “Well, if it bothers you that much. Move over.”

Eddie obliged and Richie turned off the light before making himself comfortable under the covers. That is, if comfortable meant stiff as a board. At this point, Richie knew Eddie didn’t mind sharing a bed with him, but that didn’t stop those intruding thoughts from reminding him how revolting his touchiness and neediness must be. He stayed there, unmoving, until Eddie rolled into his side and threw an arm over his torso. Richie froze.

“You know, you haven’t called me Eds or Eddie Spaghetti in a week,” Eddie said quietly.

“I thought you hated it,” Richie said.

“Yeah well...I miss it,” Eddie paused, “I miss this...I miss you,” he finished, burrowing deeper into Richie’s side.

“I didn’t know you cared so much,” Richie replied.

“I do care, Richie. I care so much. I don’t know what I did but this past week without you has been horrible,” Eddie said.

“You have the others,” Richie mumbled.

“I know and I love them, I do, but they’re not you,” Eddie said, getting quieter during the last part.

Richie didn’t know what to say to this, so he ended the conversation before it could go any further, “Goodnight, Eddie.”

Eddie sighed sadly, “Goodnight,” he said, rolling away from Richie, despite wanting nothing more than to stay wrapped up in his warmth until morning.

—

Richie woke up first, but instead of letting himself admire the sleeping boy, he started getting ready for the day, distracting himself from thinking about the coming conversation. He took a shower, brushed his teeth, threw on some clothes, then returned to his room to find Eddie sleepily stretching.

“Good morning. How do you feel?” Richie asked.

“I’m thirsty and my mind is kinda hazy but I’m okay other than that,” Eddie said.

“Hold on,” Richie ran out of the room and came back soon after with a glass of water. “Here,” he said, holding it out for Eddie to take.

“Thanks,” Eddie said, grabbing it and taking a big drink. “Okay, you promised me we would talk now, so talk.”

“Okay...” Richie said, hesitantly sitting next to the boy. “Lately I’ve been thinking, well, over-thinking would be a better term, and I realized how touchy and needy I am. I’m worried you think it’s gross and annoying. I’m worried that you’ll grow to hate me if you don’t already, so I distanced myself to prevent that from happening,” Richie said honestly.

“Richie...” Eddie said sadly. “Why would you ever think that? Have I somehow lead you to believe I don’t want you around? I know we jokingly bicker but I never mean any of it, you’re my favorite person for fucks sake, so please please tell me if I hurt your feelings,” Eddie pleaded.

“It’s not your fault. My logic is, I hate myself, so why wouldn’t everyone else hate me too? I’m worthless. I don’t know why you guys have put up with me for so long,” Richie said.

Eddie engulfed him in a hug, rubbing his back soothingly. “There is nothing to ‘put up with.’ Yeah, you’re loud and make crude jokes and like to mess with us, but those are few of the many reasons we admire you. There are so many people that love you, your parents, the losers, me, don’t you ever forget that. I don’t care how ‘touchy and needy’ you get, I’m always happy to be on the receiving end. And if you ever feel bad like this again, please talk to me and I’ll gladly remind you how wonderful you are because I refuse to let you believe any of this shit you tell yourself,” Eddie said, hugging the boy tighter.

“That’s just it, Eddie. I hear what you’re saying but I can’t understand it. I don’t get how you could care that much about me when I’m such a burden. My head constantly tells me you do it out of pity, and whose to say that’s not true?” Richie said, crying quietly into Eddie’s shoulder.

“Richie. Look at me,” Eddie said sternly, pulling back from the hug. “I say that’s not true. It’s bullshit. Don’t you get it? You’re everything to me. And let me tell you something, the world could end tomorrow and I wouldn’t give a shit! But if I had to live without you, I think I might just fall apart, if this week is anything to go by. I’ve been a mess thinking you hated me, just miserable! It’s pathetic how much I missed you, ask any of our friends,” Eddie said earnestly, not even caring that he practically spilled his love all over the place. If it meant Richie was happy, well, he’d do anything.

Richie sat stunned, tears free flowing and hands shaking. It took him a moment to comprehend everything Eddie just said, but as soon as he did, he couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth, “I love you so much. I-I’m in love with you,” he said, voice breaking.

“Is that what you were scared to tell me?” Eddie asked.

Richie just nodded solemnly.

“Oh, come here, dumbass,” Eddie said, tugging at Richie’s shirt and smashing their lips together. The kiss was slow and ardent, conveying all the years of devotion the two felt toward each other. Richie pulled back first, dazed and confused.

“Are you fucking with me?” he asked, worried.

“No! I love you too, you idiot,” Eddie said.

“Seriously?” Richie asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Yes! I have for years! I love your nerdy face, your dumb jokes, and your horrible fashion sense. I love the warmth I feel when you hug me, and the way your hand fits in mine. I love the way you make me feel safe no matter what, and most importantly, I love you, Richie Tozier, and I’ll spend my entire life reminding you of that,” Eddie said, gently lifting Richie’s hand and placing a soft kiss to his knuckles.

“You’re wondrous, Eddie my love,” Richie said, reaching a hand up to Eddie’s cheek. He got close and hesitated, afraid to touch the boy, in case the facade he so feared wore down and Eddie vanished right in front of him. Eddie sensed this, and leaned into Richie’s hand.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m all yours, baby,” he said softly, turning his head slightly to kiss Richie’s palm. The taller boy’s breath hitched, feeling so overwhelmed with love that he didn't know what to do. Luckily, Eddie took charge, inching closer and closer until he was in Richie’s lap.

“Be my boyfriend?” Eddie asked.

“I would love nothing more,” Richie said, beaming.

“Fantastic. Now that that’s settled…I believe you have a week of being gone to make up for. How do you plan to do that?” Eddie said expectantly.

“What would you say to a one-way trip to Tozier Town full of kisses and cuddles galore?” Richie said, giggling.

Eddie rolled his eyes, “I’d say ‘take me away, funny man,’” he laughed, throwing his arms around the boy. Richie leaned in and captured his lips, gently laying him back on the bed and flipping them over. He pulled Eddie down into his arms and they stayed there for hours, reveling in each other’s warmth. It came time for Eddie to go home, but before he let him leave, Richie held the boy tighter and peppered his face with kisses.

“What was that for?” Eddie said, slowly getting up and smiling.

“Because I can,” Richie said, admirably grinning at his boyfriend. Eddie blew a kiss from his place in the door and turned to walk down the hall.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he heard a fairly loud “Goodbye, Spaghetti!” from the direction he just came from. His heart swelled at the nickname and he hovered on cloud nine the whole way home.

[inkskinned]

literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-. 

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound. 

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it 

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it 

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression. 

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost. 

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed 

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried

[thedappleddragon]

ho hum lets see, what the fuck did I do today?

I know I had a dream last night about goin around doing whatevr stimmin and acting dumb in front of a lot of people, and I specifically remember saying “I'm autistic, you asshole, you're not allowed to make fun of me” and like skjhagsdfjkha. first off I have adhd not autism (probably) second this is something I would say lmao. but uhhh I don't remember doing jack shit in the morning. I took a shower and washed my hair in preparation to go out and do some errands, and it felt really nice to just hang out in the bathroom and brush my hair. midday shower supremacy. when my sister was ready I made her go with me to the store, but we say our dad’s car there too lol. she stayed in the car and made me shop, and my mom asked for stuff they didn't have. so stopped by dollar tree, dropped off groceries, and headed to joann’s to finally get a zipper for my sewing project. we almost forgot it until we were already in line lol. I also picked up a pattern tracing marker that’s supposed to disappear with water, but when I tried it at home, it didnt even show up. it was only like 4 dollars so im not gonna bother trying to return it. I also got 2 little blue butterfly appliqués I may or may not use. after checkout we sat in the parking lot for a moment, texting mom about food, and I took the weirdest way possible to get to hardees. my sister and I ate in her room and then I laid around in my room for a while, looking up a couple things for my sewing project. because the marker I bought didnt fuckin work, I went around my house trying to find something that would, but ultimatey didnt really find anything. then I remembered dollar tree had chalk pens, so I went over there in their last 15 minutes of being open to get 2 different colors of chalk and more tiny jars and a strawberry lemonade. I tested the 2 markers on a scrap piece of fabric, drawing a line and then rinsing it under water, and when it dried I couldn't tell which side I had marked which means it worked :D hell yeah. so now I know if there are any markings left on the final product I can just throw it in the wash on delicate to get rid of them all. (cass if ur reading stop it because birthday spoilers) I also sat on my bed and filled the tiny jars with more rose petals and baby’s breath and crushed up leaves. these jars were even tinier than the ones I got a couple days ago because they were out of that size. my dad brought home the tiny tiny drill bits I asked for, so I baked the shrinky dink fairy wings to go with my friend’s birthday gift and very carefully drilled the TINIEST holes in them. I might have to remake one wing because I drilled too close to the edge, but I think it should be fine? I think im going to end up reinforcing them all with resin anyway. but they shrank really nicely and I used a book to smash them down completely flat which worked surprisingly well. the backs had cloudy lines from the baking paper they were resting on, so I found some old glitter paint to add a bit of sprkle and hopefully un-cloudy them. I was going to add the uv resin but the sun was setting and I didnt trust that my resin would fully cure before nightfall so I'm just waiting until tomorrow. (irl friends pls dont read past this point please, I’m trying to keep SECRETS!) while I was just hanging out after doing those other projects, I looked through all my dress pattern pieces again, trying to find some tutorials that might help about how to hem a sweetheart neckline, until I realized the bodess will be lined and hem itself. but I did find some good tutorials on how to hem a circle skirt that I'll probably end up using later. I looked at the clock and realized yeah I could finally start patterning and cutting my pieces today. I was still nervous about cutting into the main patterned fabric, and felt like I wouldn't have time to deal with all those pieces at once, so I grabbed the lining fabric and started tracing. I made myself a tiny cardboard template for seam allowances because the circle one I made earlier wasn't going to work with the dollar store markers. at first I thought I was only going to cut out a couple pieces, but I cut and pinned and sewed the entire bodess lining! it was really fun and I felt very cool and accomplished until I tried it on and it didnt fit how I wanted like at all. I realized my problem was that I had traced everything out to a size 46 when all my measurements kept bouncing between 44/46, but I was also measuring hip stuff for pattern pieces I ended up not needing, which pushed me to make everything a 46, when really all my upper body measurments probably would have me at a 44 instead. I so got kind of discouraged. ive been building up this idea of what this dress was gonna be and how perfectly it’ll fit and I'll be so cool rolling up in this dress I made all by myself, but it’s gonna look like ass if it doesn't fit right. I went ahead and cut the pattern templates to the 44 lines, and I set the bodess aside and just made the pockets. I actually really like how those turned out! I used a ~French seam~ so they would have finished edges on both sides with no chance of fraying and feel good against my hand in the pocket and my legs in the skirt. the shape and the blue fabric makes it look like a big squid ward nose tho lmao. im not sure how I'm going to fix the lining other than maybe take in all the seams later? but im not gonna do anything to it until I've cut out and sewed the outer bodess and see how that turns out. I made more progress today than I thought I would, which means I can work faster than I thought and I dont need to worry at all about getting this dress done before my friend’s picnic party. tomorrow I get VACCINATED, HEALL YEAH and then I work the day after that for about four hours. I hope side effects aren't too shitty and subside by the time work starts... wish me luck gamers. 

[to-be--naked]

Dec 4, 2020 8:15pm.

Havent had a phone (or comp) all day. It died. And I couldn't see to write or pack a bowl bc my contacts went to poop. It was as if I entered a twilight zone episode somewhere in the outer layers of hell.

Long story, im still at michaels bc I csnt see bc I dont have my glasses. He bought pizza last night and skyline today.

828 pm - I asked Michael to fix my makeup (like smear) on my face bc I cant see. He said no, and then I felt all this paternal disappointment and indifference. I need to be careful that I only get "little" with people who understand and consent to the responsibility.

835 pm - awkward. I said "we could wait until tomorrow to drop me off, since you aren't working and its late"

And he said, "we could."

Trying not to read into it, i just hope he knows we don't have to. Which, I stated.

908pm - where did he go...?

I dont like not knowing what is going to happen. Its getting late, gimme a signal one way or another.

Its TEA TIME GOD DAMN IT.

I am very serious.

About tea.

And that the time that it is which'th we make the tea.

And thats 9. 9 is tea time.

He was in the bathroom this whole time? Skyline.

...I told him I accidently peed all over his blanket and he just chuckled

931 - idk. I feel like I am such an annoying burden. Crashing here for two nights. Then needing a ride back an hour away. I feel so dumb. Why didn't I bring glasses.

God, I want him to cum in me. He is one of very few I would let do that (are there others?). He is a great dad and I love his kids. And im delusional. Uhg.

I cant wait to be in love and feel someone orgasm inside of me with clear intent of making a new life out of our love.

....shit. There might be contacts in the back. Do we drive all the way over there to see? Potentially saving us a trip over an hour away? Or it could bring us an additional 40min of driving that wasn't needed.

1021 we had sex again. My God, THAT is what sex needs to be. I aim for that or higher. I will no longer settle for less.

And the chemistry. The craving. The on and off. The teasing each other relentlessly. God. I feel like an animal when I am with him.

I was with Rick so long, I forgot sex is actually fantastic. God, Rick was so awful.

Anyways, back to Michael. Who....I hear snoring....

Brb......

.........

.......

......

.....

....

...

..

.

...just woke him up with some more sex. But he won't cum :( I want to be filled....

I guess it would be better if I fell and love and planned it and all of that. Im just impatient. I need a baby in my belly!

10:50 PM - we are sitting on the couch bottomless. He is doing duolingo on his phone and im fiddling on mine. I love having friends you can do that with. Phone breaks are important. But, I also really appreciate not doing it with other friends. Knowing that this time period is set aside for only us.

1146PM - ITS TEA TIME BITCHES

...I am realizing I need to date someone extroverted. Like Michael. Or like how Alex (guy in couple I was dating) was at my party. That was such a turn on! And I like socializing a lot, with a lot of people. I want to be someone who understands that. Rick was social, in theory. He was capable of it and seemed to enjoy it, but he avoided people so much. He shuts people out (not just me but I remember him doing it to his friends too). He was really sick. I wish it could have worked.

I wish I could expel him from my brain. Him, Austin Kirby, and Adam Long. I wish I could erase them, since I can't resolve them. They have all left a permanent hole inside of me. Its been over 7 years with Adam. And he is the one that kills me the most!

I HATE it

They don't deserve a second of me. Except Adam. He stayed and stayed until it broke. I broke. And I did him so wrong. He was such a good man. I am afraid I will spend my whole life kicking myself not just bc I missed out on something so good, but bc I hurt him so bad.

[sweatmaster3000]

Change

I did something pretty dumb yesterday. I decided to go through all of my texts with my ex. I went through all of them slowly seeing how our friendship started and how our relationship ended. Our friendship started because he was my sisters work best friend. Its funny cuz she told me she knew i would like this guy she worked with and i was like nah. But in my head i was like duh i crush on everyone. When i finally met him it was a few days into working, he showed up early for work so it was me him and my manager. I remember thinking “oh he is cute”, but also telling myself “oh he looks like a cholo”. When i finally seen my sister i had to deflect so i just told her “dude hes so short”. We laughed a bit and moved on.

Slowly we started working together so we started talking more and more. Which for me is easy cuz i can talk for days. After a few month we got a new girl which was around the time Him and my sister started hanging out more and i remember being slightly jealous cuz i also wanted to be a part of that group. I dont remember how or why it happened but i remember joking with him about going on a date. He said ok so we started texting from there. We never did end up going cuz it was supposed to be a group thing and the other two bailed. Slowly me and him started talking more and i became a part of the group. We would all go out and just hang at the park or beach.

Around that time my sister relationship was really rocky so she started hanging out with her Bestfriend more often. They would go to random places to eat, they went to vegas spent an night there and came back, and for her late birthday present he took her to disneyland. I was so jealous i wished i could be his best friend. I remember me and my sister used to joke an say we felt bad for the girl who ended up with him cuz he was a horrible texter and no girl was going to like that. We said we felt sorry for the girl cuz he wasnt really good with presents or even sarcasm.

Eventually my sister broke up with her boyfriend and started dating a new co worker. Things changed when that happened. Suddenly she wasnt a part of our group any more. She wouldnt hang out with us and she defenitely wouldnt hang out with her bestfriend anymore. She would rarely text him or even us anymore. We used to always be at her house or out at a park/beach. I could tell he was hurt so i tried being there for him and distracting him. Around this time we had already started getting closer. We went to the park a few times by ourselves and on one occasion when my family had all gone to tj, he picked me up after work and we stayed out all night until the sun began to rise again.

Eventually we started having inside jokes and i started looking foward to seeing him at work especially if it was just the two of us. We realized we would banter a lot and people said we looked like a married couple. One day we were fighting and he went to the candy isle bought a ring pop and gave it to me. I jokingly told him “ escuse me you have to put it on”. We laughed and he did just that. After a while this customer that he called his Beer Wife came in and he started joking with her and they introduced me. I started joking back and i remember telling her “well i got the ring”. She was a nice lady and she returned a few jokes back. After that it cemented the whole “ youre a married couple joke”.

Eventually the hanging out became mostly just me and him and i started opening up to him and vice versa. He would constantly pick me up from work and we would hang out at the store. He would hit me up late at night with a “Foody Call” asking if i wanted to go get food. I always said yes, i loved spending time with him regardless of if it was just the two of us or the rest of the group. He helped me through the drifting of my Female best friend and the loss of a guy friend who just used me for sex. I confided everything in him. Without realizing it we became best friends. He would look for me and ask to hang out and i would ask him to go to places with me so we could get out and explore.

There was a shift in the friendship things became more playfull and flirty but i continued to push away my feelings for him. The crush became more and i craved his affection, but i never said a word or tried to make a move. I was scared of things ending like with all the other boys. So we continued just being friends hanging out at least four times a week seeing each other almost every day at work and if we didnt then we would send a few texts here an there. It got to the point where i would stop by thw store on my way home from my first job just to see him and possibly hang out after work. This routine continued for month before it finally started to move a bit.

After he got a second job his scheule changed so i wouldnt really see him as much unless he picked me up or he was going in as i was leaving. There was one occasion where i covered his shift and another where i had to stay later because he was runnig late at the other job. I told him he owed me donuts since he worked across the street from Krispy Kreme. He said he would get them the day he was running late and i said fine. When he showed up he realized he forgot the donuts so we agreed to go when he was out. I was a little let down at first but overjoyed that i was gunna hang out alone with him again.

Since it was late when he got out We got the donuts through the drive thru and parked in the lot to eat them. We talked a bit as we ate and then after words we dtarted play fighting again. I poked his side knowing that was his weakness and then finally after months he tried tickling me. He realized i was extremely ticklish and would not relent. He kept pulling me towards him and i kept fighting it scared of what it meant. We ended up face to face a few times and i pulled away scared that i was just imagining things. After a while we both knocked out. I woke up about an hour later and i was cuddled up to him. I woke him up and he dropped me off at home.

The next day at work it was just the two of us again. We were joking around like always and we had agreed to go to the beach after work with my sister and her boyfriend. Like usual i was playing with his phone trying to change his screensaver when a text came in and i accidentally pushed it. It was from a girl who had asked to hang out with him and he had agreed. I remember getting this nasty feeling in my stomach, and gettinf insanely jealous. I put doen the phone and tried workig again to distract myself, but he noticed something was up. He kept asking and i continued telling him i was fine. He wouldnt let it go. I decided to go home and get his sweater on my lunch cuz i knew he wouldnt hit the cooler without it.

I told my sister and her BF that i fucked up and i couldnt hide my feelings anymore. They told me to tell him the truth. One was certain he felt the same way and the other wasnt sure because overall he was a friendly person. I decided to keep it in and live with it. When i got back to work he wouldnt stop pestering me about my change in mood. I told him it was just my depression acting up and he told me he knew that couldnt be it. He stil wasnt 100% sure what was wrong though. We had alreay agreed to go out with my sister and her BF an he still wanted to go so i pushed aside my fear and went along.

We were in the back seat of the car and i remember it was cold out so like always i cuddled his arm. I slowly started drifting off and i could feel my arm sliding down but didnt think much of it. When i awoke we were by the beach and my hand was closed in a loose fist and his was covering it. I said nothing and we both got out the car. While at the beach my siater and he BF left us so it was just me and him laughing on the bench. At some point i jokingly sat on his lap. I realized it mightve been to much so i got off and we continued with the tickling. We decided to go on the swings and we were holding each other pushing each other side to side. My sister returned and we all continued on the swing for a bit until they decided to call it a night.

As we were walking back up to the car he started playing with me again and we ended up far behind our friends. He continued tickling me and we once again ended up face to face. I looked down and just hugged him still scared of admiting the truth. Once up the hill and back in the car i cuddled up to him again only this time we actually held hands. Still though nothing was said. Once we got back to the store me and him decided to stay back with the overnight guy so they could smoke. I stayed unsure of what i was going to stay. Clearly i hadnt been imagining the tension or the flirtation. So maybe i should finally take a chance.

It took me a while but i finally told him. “I fucked up”. I told him i seen the text and that i got jealous. He stood quite for a moment and i asked him if he inderstood what i was telling him. He said “ Yes you like me” i was certain he was going to tell me he didnt feel the same way. Instead he said “I know” i just stood there and asked him “how”. He said “i noticed something changed in you and in us, but i didnt want to say something, until you realized or it went away”. I just stood there realizing he knew me too well and knowing he had my best interest at heart. He knew it was normally me who pushed the guys away when things got serious so he stayed quite so as to not scare me away. He hid his feelings for almost a year the same way i hid mine. Except he admitted it i couldnt so i told him i had barely realized mine. I had done such a good job hiding them i believed myself.

After our long talk i was walking to his car to call it a night, when he suddenly called for me. As i turned around he was going for a kiss but i beat him to it. I had been waiting for it for so long and it did not disapoint. I wanted to keep kissing him forever but also not in front of people so we got in the car and he dropped me off. I came home and just though maybe i can be happy and maybe i will get a happily ever after. I wasnt able to sleep because i was so happy so i ended up going to work that morning with like 30 minutes of sleep.

We decided that we were a couple and it was official. We started hanging out more he would pick me up from work almost everyday or i would see him at work. We continued hanging out at the store or sometimes we would go park somewhere remote to mess around a bit. The first time we did he started sucking on my ear and it caught me off gaurd, but in a good way. It was a small orgasm but it was the first time it had happened while i was with a guy. We stayed in his car cuddling for a while before we came home and he dropped me off.

The first proble/fight happened when we were messing around. I wanted to go further and i kept pushing his buttons. We were about to go all the way when he told me he lost his hard on. I remember feeling like it was my fault. I got out of the car and laid down on the grass, he joined me seconds later. He kept apologizing, but i was acting like it was my fault. He tried talking to me but i didnt want to talk in that moment. He didnt know what to say so he got up and sat in the car. I continued over thinking things so i got up to walk a bit and get fresh air.

By the time he realized i what i was doing he ended up having to run after me. When he finally caught up to me he kept asking me what was wrong. I told him “ Maybe your not as into me as you thought”. He told me that wasnt true and it was just that he was overthinking it too. I told him he didnt have to be with me and he could still leave now before we got too invested. I told him this was what was going to happen when i got insecure. I had been through hell with guys so i didnt know how to react and he said he knew he told me “ do you think id still be here if i didnt know”. He said he wasnt going anywhere.

Things settled down and we were good for a few weeks, then the second fight came. We had agreed o hang out and i told him i would let him know when i came back from shoppin with my mom. When i finally did i walked to the store to meet him and his boss whos also my coworkers brother was there. I didnt think much of it. After like 30 minutes i got annoyed cuz i thought me and him were supposed o hang out but him and his boss were talking the whole time. I know nothing about cars and i also didnt want to be the girlfriend that makes tou stop hanging out with tour friends. So when they decided to go inside i stayed outside and decided to go for a walk while they finished their canversation.

I realize i fucked up and i should have told him first and i shouldve answered when he called but i was irritated and i needed to cool off cuz i didnt want to say the wrong thing. Finally once i cooled off i text him that i was at the park just looking at the stars. He said he would come for me so i said fine. Once he got there he asked me to get in the car but i was enjoying the breeze and the stars so i didnt want to. We bantered a bit more and i reluctantly agreed. Once in th car he asked me what was wong and i just told him i wanted to go for a walk. I still wasnt ready to talk, but i think i also wanted him to try a bit harder and ask me what was wrong.

We had a lot of good times like going to round one and taking pictures togetjer in the booth, or the late night talks after work, but i wanted more. It wasnt entirely his fault though he would ask me what to do and i never knew what to tell him. We were both working two jobs so the only time we really had was when he would pick me up at 1:30am from my first job. I started feeling like he didnt want to be seem with me because he wasnt good with PDA, but he assured me it wasnt true.

We continued hanging out as a group going to movies, bowling, arcade games, the beach, or just hanging out at the store, the last time we hung out alone he had made a plan to take me somewhere. He wouldnt tell me where and we had agreed to go around 8am. I jokingly told him that was early cuz i worked late the night before. I got up and he hadnt text me i got ready and still no word. Around 8:15 i txt him asking if we were still going. (He dad cancelled on me before so i was scared that was going o appen again.) He replied half an hour later saying he had just woke up and that we were, he just figured hed give me more time to sleep. I told him it would have been nice if he had told me seeing as i had been awake since 7. He apolagized sayin he thought he did.

When he arrived i told hom the sleepiness was getting to me so he told me to sleep during the car ride which i did. We drove around for almost two hours and when i woke up he wasnt sure where we were. I laughed and helped him navigate home. I was slightly annoyed that he didnt actually have anything planned, but i tried to enjoy just beinf with him. We ended up grabbing a bite, but i had to leave him cuz we were going to visit one of my aunts. It was only later that my friend told me his plan was to park abd look at the canals but he couldnt find parking, then he was just going to drive by so i could see them but i was still asleep and thats when he decided to leave and got lost. I felt like an ass but i wishes he would have woken me up or communicated some of it with me.

One time after a family party my little sister and her BF had to leave cuz the BF had to work and since we were their ride we came home too. We still wanted to hang out and since only my brother was home we decided to get pizza and watch movies in the living room. Once there i told my brother to go to my room and we watched the movie. My older sister then showed up with her BF and joined us. About an hour later my parents showed up and went to their rooms. By the second movie we were cuddling an it felt nice to not be doing that in a car.

The second time that happened was when we agreed to hang out with my little sister and her BF at their house with pizza and a movie. He picked me up from my aunts house and qe got the food and showed up to watch angry birds. We were cuddling and enjoying the movie when my sister and her BF decided to be fatties and wanted ice cream. So we got our ice cream came back and watched Tv. My sister went to bed, and i was also going to call it a night. My sisters BF and him decided to go back to the store and smoke so i told him goodnight and to both mine and my sisters BFs’ surprise he actually kissed me goodnight.

A few weeks later we had planned to go to horror nights. This wasnt a last minute thing this was planned in advance. The day of i had sent him a picture of a hickey he left me and i didnt think much of the fact that he didnt reply cuz i knew he was at work. Then as we are about to leave to get my cousin he texts me saying “ Im sorry Suedmy, im not going to be able to make it tonight”. I try to call him and he doesnt answer so i go through like 10 different emotions annoyed cuz its not the first time hes cancelled on me.

I text him back “ I shouldnt even be surprised anymore because everytime we actually make plans to hang out you somehow end up not being able to go”. He then replies “Are you mad?”. So i reply “ No im super happy that you cant go. But its fine my cousins going to go since i had already paid for the ticket and so i wont be alone since i hate being scared”. We both fucked up i overreacted but he shouldve explained why he couldnt make it. After this it was all kind of downhill.

The next day i text him to say hi and he didnt reply so i ask him to pick him up like i normally do cuz to this he normally will reply. Still no answer so i walk home. The next day my older sister breaks up with her BF so i txt him saying “ I know you dont want to talk to me but please talk to jerry daisy just broke up with him and he really needs a friend and for obvious reasons i cant be that friend”. He never replied and i ended up going to the beach with my sisters Ex. I was friends with him before they got together and he was still my friend after. We both cried, him about the breakup and me about my BF. Finallt after like an hour he called my friend, but my friend was mad not only for him ignoring me but also cuz for two nights my friend was trying to get a hold of him and he wouldnt answer.

I told him to answer cuz he wasnt going to stop calling. They agreed to meet at the store and when we got there it was really awkward. I needed some courage so i took some of his beer. We wnt at it And i asked him why he was ignoring me he said i never gave him a chance before attacking him. I told him he gave me the vague ass lie he used to use at the store when he would call out. He said he did tell me but he didnt he just though he did. I told him i wanted us to work but we lacked communication and the way we were going wasnt healthy. I told him that i had never tried so hard with someone the way i was with him. He couldnt find the words so he told us he would be right back. That night ended with me telling him id give him space.

After that it was just back and forth me looking for him him not replying. Him finally replying and us hanging as a group. We agreed we wanted to stay friends. The love was still there but there was problems on both side. Him because he had commitment issued and didnt want to hurt me. Me because i was in over my head. He was there for me the day i had a crappy day and i realized i didnt really know who i was. We talked and of course we ended up kissing and cuddling. This routine continued a few more times. When we would hang out he would caress my face and then we’d start kissing. It was nice but then id wonder if we were doing more harm than good.

Finally the last time we hung out i gave him a ring pop. Someone gave it to me on Halloween and it reminded me of that time he gave me one. Apparently it struck a chord cuz he ended up kissing me and telling me how badly he wanted me. It felt good to feel the passion and want again. I told him i still loved him and i always would. But like everything else it didnt last and it wasnt enough. I still wanted to be woth him all the time. I missed how we used to be. I missed the friendship, The late night food runs, staying out past my curfew, getting caught by my dad, laughing that technically i was home before curfew just not inside home. I missed him looking for me, and wanting to see me. I missed him caling me Pookie Bear. I hated pet names but now i missed that stupid pet name.

I finally realized that i need to learn how to be myself and i need to give him space. If he really wants to see me he will look for me and if not then thats fine. I will always treasure the memories we made and i have a few tokens i can look back on and remember. I will never forget him. Even after everything he did teach me a few things. He taught me i can have a guy friend who wont try to make a pass at me and that not every guy is going to try and sleep with me. Some guys will just want to be my friend. Im grateful we never slept together and technically we are on good terms. If he decides to come back and im in a place where im ok with that then maybe things will work but if not then it wasnt meant to be. I wish him the best. I hope both of us can be happy and learn to love in a healthy way.

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 8 - “I’ve got that BDE (Big Dummy Energy)” - Dylan C

Timmy

IT WORKED 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I am so happy, between the idol and this vote, it has been a great night. Idk what the blacklash is going to be from this but it’s fine, it’s all fine and I’m so happy. Also now it’s easier to work with Maynor so I’m so happy ❤️❤️

Raffy

Joseph, Timmy, Stephen, Maynor. They are on my shit list and they will go down, one-by-one. 

Maynor

❤️ Jay. I would want to say it here. Cuz i feel like Zoe might be really mad at me. But i am sorry for voting you out but you can fault me for wanting to get rid of the leader of an alliance that didn’t want to work with me to the endgame. If this move gets me voted out next then so be it. Like im glad i was able to pull this out in like a hr. Rewind for the last 24 hours:

Me and Timmy called and i just word vomited plans. He told me they already wanted to split between Joseph and Stephen. We got a rough plan maybe making it a 4-3-3 vote. Then cut to next morning and thinking it over how the votes will land. To Zoe’s blessing, she told me who was voting who for the split. My part one of the plan was to make sure timmy n I were on the stephen vote. Zoe put me on Joseph and i had to make up a lie how i felt bad for voting Joseph cuz he barely started talking to me but i was okay with voting Stephen. It worked and we switched. Then had to convince timmy and he gave me the go ahead cuz he wanted to better his position. So talked to Joseph and was shook that they were splitting the vote and he mentioned voting zoe or john before hand so got him scared/mad about being tricked and potentially being voted out so he was down for the plan. Then went to Stephen and he was down because he knew how shady zoe n john were for lying to him over and over again. (Stupid to not tell him about the sierra vote) and he was down. Then timmy re-assured joseph and the plan stablized. And it was executed perfectly and im so happy that i was able to do it. Its my proudest moment in my org history.

Raffy

I know Timmy was the one who backstabbed Mental Gymnastics because he is the only one who could've told Joseph/Maynor all the information they had to a) pick out a five and b) not trust Ellie or Dylan. Also, Timmy would want to get rid of Zoe because she had an idol and his immunity necklace enabled him to make a risky move. So, he is dead to me at this point. He needs to go next or so help me!

Dylan C

{Novel for after the video} I should've waited and ended that video since Timmy ended up confessing to being the fourth Zoe vote, according to Raffy. Good on him!!! me: who do you think told him [the tea] Raffy: Timmy lol. he admitted it to me in pms eh, so I wasn't the first to tell Joseph then, but whatevs. in theory, if I corroborated what Timmy said then it may seem more credible? I mean, idk what all Timmy would've told him, also Raffy: [is messaging as I type this in a sticky note while waiting for my video confessional to upload, time: 12:32 am EST] Raffy: "He's a backstabber and a liar and a rat | So I'm not trusting him anymore." Hm, time to play this angle and have some fun with it, I guess. Maybe Raffy knows I'm full of shit, to him, too. Or not, since I haven't been online most of the day for people to find that out. Me: "Jesus. Why the fuck would he even do that" Raffy: "I truly, honestly do not know" So the million dollar question: is this a two way bullshit street or just the one way. Driving down it either way. I'll find out eventually. Me: "Wow. Like, it’s dumb, too. Why betray and alliance that would put you in a solid position?" Raffy: "Like they don't even have a majority right now | I'm just dumbfounded" Me: "me too, I don't understand" Either this is all true or it isn't fuck if I can confirm. Guess I'll talk around and uhhhh actually talk genuine game to people and kick my shit up a notch?? Like I'm exaggerating here and pretending to be shocked at something that wasn't fucking shocking at all if you have goddamn eyes? Is Raffy doing the same??? idk!!!! Timmy was gonna be the first person I messaged today had I actually, yk, done that Me, to Timmy: "so Raffy has outright said he wants to get you out" Timmy: "Yeaaaa that’s what it sounds like in my pms | I’m sorry I kind of destroyed the alliance" Me: "I would've done the same if I had been in any sort of game-oriented headspace today" God, my confessionals are gonna feel lackluster once I send ones that aren't me "liveblogging" shit as it happens Also, bless Timmy bc after that message he expressed concern and I was like "lol no I was just Distracted" Can I just say that I hate that Raffy is apparently right, assuming everything I've been told is true, about who didn't vote for Zoe? Kinda wanted hi to get some of it wrong and then have one of those people wind up in his Secret Chat bc that's got some spicy ass potential. Me? About to spill nearly Everything I'm feeling to Timmy as well? It's more likely than you think!

Dylan C

So I’ve got that BDE (Big Dummy Energy) and forgot to circle back to EoE in the video. Which is on brand since I’ve been forgetting about it all game. Basically I hope Zoe doesn’t come back from it. I’d rather Jack wndnsksbx. That’s assuming no one else returns from EoE. I think Jack and Zoe are the most likely to, though. Raffy asking me who I think we should align with in the future? Who we should trust? Akdjsjjdbdakdjsb BOYO. If this is all genuine, I’m gonna go feral.

Stephen

https://drive.google.com/file/d/164JnDqAVkXgT2ERZmwiZeT3IjANBi7DS/view?usp=drivesdk

Joseph Collins

I can’t wait to see what Ellie has to say in the morning. Who I thought was my biggest ally. She was blindsided by that vote too. I wonder how she’ll defend herself. Ulfur is dead to me. Except for raffy. 

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/g0LLDO9uetU 

Maynor

Raffy is really pissed and wants me gone. If not timmy. It is his fault. Treating people like they were nothing but a vote to use and then disregard when no longer needed. He literally said that about ellie n keith. And probably thought the same about me too. But its funny. He underestimated me. Like just cuz a vote doesnt go your way doesnt mean you have to be salty and bitter. Like i understand him being mad. But sayjng wanting to be in the loop next time but like dude you didnt have me in the loop so like fair is fair. He really thought i wasnt someone to keep an eye on cause of ratuma. Im a very dangerous player and he got hit with the hard reality that other people are here to play and not to hand him an easy win. Take a seat raffy. 

Raffy

I created the Shhh alliance as a way to regain some control in this game. It's made up of John, Dylan, Ellie, Keith, and I. It's everyone who was left out of the loop during the last vote. The other side has another thing coming. They can go on and say that there is no sides or alliance, but they created a division when they decided to keep people out of the loop. Throughout the day, Joseph and Ellie have been talking privately with both of them feeding information to me about their conversation. Apparently, they are both very angry with each other as Joseph felt Ellie's betrayal on a personal level. He thinks she knew about the split vote and I confirmed it for him even though that is not true. So, I basically enabled and egged on a feud between two people I am close with so that I can play the middle. In this way, I can create a situation that empowers me in this game. However, I want both of them to stay a little longer so that their fued can be the centerpiece as I fade into the background, manipulating both of them. If I had to choose, I would pick Ellie over Joseph because I trust her more to tell me the truth and take me to the end. Timmy and Maynor still want to work with me, but I am serving as a double agent. Everything they tell me will go to my alliance. Right now, I want Maynor gone because he made the move to blindside. 

Dylan C

Raffy saying I’m “carrying the integrity of this season on my back” is so funny skdjsjscnskcbsj 

Dylan C

me, on the touchy subjects call for the second round: I have no idea what to put for some of these, and I feel like I'm gonna get a ton wrong

Jay: I can just copy your answers for you from the first round me: yeah okay but let me modify a few (read: like, 3) me: [wins] what the fuck

Joseph Collins

So. Here we are, immunity belongs to Dylan. I have no idea who my allies are. The people I thought were the closest to me, were only close so they could twist the knife in my back. I would be surprised if I survived this tribal and I think people might only be keeping me until eoe is over 

John

so i’m the villain AND people think i’m going to win if i get to the end? i’m honestly kinda screwed rn hahahahaha this isn’t looking good. people want me out. i know they do. i gotta do something.

Raffy

I think I might just be in the best and most dangerous position in this game. Everyone, seemingly, wants to work with me. Everyone, seemingly, wants me as their ally. And touchy subjects revealed that everyone thinks of me as their closest. This is good. This means, for now, I am in control of the vote, but I don't like being in this position for subsequent tribals. It has to come down to who I think will keep me here the longest

Maynor

Tonight is a scary night for me. John is hard core voting me tonight and i believe Raffy is too. I know for sure we have 4 votes of me timmy joseph n stephen. I want to believe that keith and dylan are in the vote too on my side. So should probably be like a 6-3 vote. And im hoping because im really scared. I dont want to go home tonight. Like ive been playing so hard to go home over people who are petty.

Raffy

Joseph wants John out bad. Like, he's pitching to everyone that John should go. I don't know whether that's Maynor or anyone else in his ear, but that's very threatening for my game. So the Shhh alliance is planning on blindsiding him. Everyone in the alliance is going to vote Joseph, while we tell people that we are targeting Maynor because of his hand in Zoe's elimination. I want to get rid of Joseph so bad! I hope he doesn't play an idol.

Raffy

People are eating out of my fucking hand this round. I don't feel safe or comfortable, but, from what I am hearing, everything is going well. Everyone in Shhh is down for a Joseph vote, and the plan for telling people it's Maynor is a go. Maynor is telling me all about Zoe's side alliances as if I didn't already know about them from the beginning. However, I am starting to build a relationship with Maynor because it is best for my game to do so. I could either pretend that I vote for John during this round, or I can say that I heard it was Joseph but that I couldn't tell him cause I thought they were close. The second argument works because it also reveals that I voted Joseph and convinced people to do so in order to save him which I am sure he'd be grateful for. Either way, I think this plan is going well, and I'll be alive by the end of this round.  

John

i honestly do not know where joseph’s comfortable attitude came from. at all. he is literally the natalie bolton of the season. a complete non entity until the third merge episode. i hope he goes.

Raffy

I'm smack in the middle between these two sides, and I am pitting them against each other. Hopefully it doesn't bite me in the ass tonight

John

so tonight will test the new five: myself, raffy, ellie, dylan, and keith. joseph is claiming he's voting for maynor, but since he lies out his teeth every five seconds, we know he is not doing that. most likely he is voting for me, since my name has been thrown around since zoe's blindside. basically put, we gonna pray tonight.

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/YT7O8PdGqek

Keith

Well its been a super busy couple of days. I have been travelling. 3 flight two stopovers later when I saw tribal. It was nothing less than a shock to see zoe got voted out. 

Fast forward.... now there is a split. 5 to 4 I realised after being matching up all the messages after being in four different zones. That maynor actually tried to get me on board with the flip. Though i knew i wouldnt do it then cause i wouldnt vote for zoe. But maybe i could have gone for a different person. And as i always knew. Im always behind in the game and now its really more visible than ever. Tonight hopefully I am making a move. But its not motivated by the fact the need somethinf on my resume. Its more about trying to have some traction in the game. Or there isnt even a point tryin to get to the end. P.S this is the first time so close to tribal i am still getting a feeling that I am about to get blindsided. Hopefully it doesnt happen

Joseph Collins

Too. Many. Liars. Lol. Dylan’s saying this. Raffy’s saying that. Dylan’s saying that raffys saying this. And raffys saying that Dylan’s saying that. I hate that I have to wait until after tribal to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth StephenSo me and Keith finally talked, he seems cool id like to work with him, but according to maynor hes in league with john, and i do not like the sound of that one bit no sir. So, its time for john to go, hes just too intense, raffy too but at least i know raffy a bit more, john is... so shady. I hope he goes.

Raffy

I am at the bottom. So that sucks. It means that no one is going to trust me and I should just chill and hope I win immunity

Dylan C

Ellie just gave me a rundown about what happened on the tribe call, and she said she was crying and now I feel bad. I wasn't involved in the call so I didn't really feel much surrounding the vote, but now I feel really bad

Maynor

I am living my best life. Like my plan of voted off zoe thag happened within an hr, has really changed the game. The people who were in the majority has really crumpled and gone back to back. I honestly can say im really proud of this game and people cant say i didnt do anything in this game. I single handledly made a final10 vote into a 4-3-3. Im playing hard amd playing to win. Lets hope i can make it to the end. Honestly i cam say that i may not be getting zoe’s or john’s vote if i do make it. 

Ellie

I’m on the bottom, but right now I’m focusing on myself before I’m focusing on the game and I feel like that is the best thing I can do right now. If I go, at least I’ll be at peace with myself

[orthographewrites]

All symbols for the text meme - hades x persephone and Astrid x preston

Hades x Persephone:

Send “✆” for a MORNING text:

[text:] gooooood morning lilypad [text:] everything ok at work? really miss you here in bed

Send “✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT:

[text:] I miss you so much, I wish you were here with me

Send “☎” for a RUSHED text:

[text:] im so sorry i cant meet you up after work, but i totally forgot my group had a meeting today so i gtg [text:] love you and dont wait up!!

Send “⁇” for a DRUNK text:

Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text:

[text:] you know, i hate that you have to work so so much at times hades [text:] but at the same time it makes me miss you more ;) quickie later?

Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text:

[text:] if theres one thing i dislike about living in the city, it would be the lack of stars on the sky [text:] remember when we used to spend nights hiding from the mortal eye just star gazing until morning forced us back home? 

Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text:

[text:] UGH DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO LEAVE ME ALONE WITH ZEUS? IM SORRY BUT THAT MAN NEEDS A WACKING AND A REALITY CHECK SOONER RATHER THAN LATER.[text:] WHY THE HELL IS THAT INSENSIBLE JACKASS THE TOP MAN WHEN YOU COULD EASILY DO THAT JOB AND ALSO DO IT SO MUCH BETTER? 

Send “#” for a RANDOM text:

[text:] why dont we have a pet hades? gosh theyre so cute!

Send “@” for a SCARED text:

[text:] honey! i heard something happened near the hospital, are you alright? and your coworkers? [text:] PLEASE answer as quickly as possible. PLEASE i cant stand to see you hurt, you know that

Send “&” for a LOVING text:

[text:] why are you so pure and wonderful? and smart? and brave? and so caring? [text:] im honestly the luckiest woman in the world i love you so much

Send “%” for a CURIOUS text:

[text:] did you see that new store thats about to open up across the road to our apartment? it looks really neat, but im not too sure about the owner he looks a little… suspicious. could you ask what theyre selling for me? thaaank you :)

Send “ツ” for an EXCITED text:

[text:] THEY ARE GOING TO WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT MY GARDEN HADES I CANT BELIEVE IT!! :D

Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text:

[text:] if you, for one second, think im going to listen and accept a tone like that youre absolutely wrong about me asshat. you CANNOT talk to me like that.[text:] whoops :/ was meant for your brother sorry

Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text:

[text:] We have been married for so long… I don’t know what I would do without past this point but… what if you grow tired of me one day? Or I with you? I’m terrified of going back to my old life. I hate it.

Preston x Astrid: (instead of texts these will be small notes he leave around the ship for her to fit their timeline!)

Send “✆” for a MORNING text:

“Good morning, lovely! Sad to say I didn’t stay in bed today, but I sometimes have work to do, as we both know. I’ll be waiting inside the cafeteria for you, though, so hurry because I’m most likely starving in there.”

Send “✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT:

“Astrid, I don’t know how to phrase this in a way that won’t make you question me, or my purpose with you, but I want you to know I’m truly sorry for what I’m about to tell you. I cannot keep lying to you, I love you, I truly do, and I want our feelings to be mutual on equal grounds. Thus -- “ (note scrapped)

Send “☎” for a RUSHED text:

“Did you feel that? I’ll be right back.”

Send “⁇” for a DRUNK text:

“shiiiiiiit astrid is it bad i miss home? i miss being around PEOPLE drinking with THEM and not sit by myself dreaming back to it while i look like a straight up messs....... why did we sighn up for this dumb mission???”

Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text:

“It’s been five months of you and I together on this ship, can you belive it? Definitely something we should celebrate, if you ask me. I promise to take good care of you if you’re in the mood. I’ll be waiting.”

Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text:

“Why do we still worry about days, months and hours? We have all the time in the world on this ship, and yet I can’t stop counting down the days until we can live together outside of it.”

Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text:

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have trusted a random fucking stranger within the blink of an eye, ever thought of that? Not my damn fault you’re so gullible. I’m not letting you go back to sleep, I can’t do it.”

Send “#” for a RANDOM text:

“Remember those drawing games you used to play as a child? Up for it?”

Send “@” for a SCARED text:

“Why do you want to go back to sleep, Astrid? Please, you can’t leave me all alone on this hellish ship! I can’t deal with the silence, it drives me nuts, don’t you understand that? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I don’t know what to do.”

Send “&” for a LOVING text:

“I never believed in the term soulmates until I met you. You’re my perfect match, I’m so lucky.”

Send “%” for a CURIOUS text:

“I know you can’t speak right now, so how about you write down some facts about yourself instead? I want to get to know you better xoxo.”

Send “ツ” for an EXCITED text:

“I know you’ve been bugging me about finding a solution, and I think I’m getting closer at finding one, isn’t that great? I’ll fill you in once we meet up for dinner hotty.”

Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text:

“Tell her, Don’t tell her. Tell her. Don’t tell her. What do I do?” (accidently fell out of Preston’s pocket outside the library)

Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text:

“I don’t think I have the stomach to go on, if you leave me Astrid. There’s too many years left on here. I know they need me, but what’s the point? You’ve become everything that I know and more. I’m sorry I lied, I didn’t know what else to do.”

[pepperminthealing-blog]

Day 1

I want to start this blog stating that I’m going to attempt to write everyday, and maybe even more than one a day. The events of this blog will not be in chronological order, it’s going by what is really tearing my heart apart that day, where my mind wanders. 

I want to say thank you for whoever reads this, and I hope through my healing it may give you some insight in your own life, or better understanding of whatever. Or even if you’re just curious, I hope it tickles your feather I suppose.

On we go.

A month and a half ago I met someone, and we had the instant click. Whether it was because we were considerably nerdy, or because he made me feel safe during my current situations. Honestly, it was all supposed to be a joke; and thats so sickening to me knowing that I fell that low. We first met on tinder, and he would send some uh... wonderful messages. And my co-workers and I would read them and respond, then chuckle as we just kind of made fun of this guy who seemed to really be trying too hard. -Sigh- Who would of known that this guy was actually someone with a very very soft heart. We lost contact once I left my job shortly after my miscarriage and gained contact back when I returned, he was already seeing someone and I was on the line of breaking up with the person I was with at the time as well. We made rules that we wouldnt hang outside of work until we both had ended those two terms, because we wanted to be as truthful and transparent with not just one another but with them, fairness to speak. Today, I couldn’t tell you how we got to where we were that day, it was literally just a click... Maybe I was craving something that he posessed because I wasnt getting it in my own relationship? Idk. But, the first night we hung out... I knew I had to keep walking with him. He took me to Wawa at 3am, and bought me a tuna sandwich, and we drove to some dock area and talked about politcal things, hospital business and just our opinions on the world. It was freeing, connecting and intoxicating to find someone who had a like mindset as my own, that could hold an intellectual conversation on things that really mattered to me. After hours of talking, he drove me back to my car and kissed me, and it felt so tender and innocent. I think that was the moment I let my walls down, that for some stupid reason my dumb broken heart wanted to just burst and open up to someone I barely had any knowledge of. The most we talked when seperated was sexual things, and from my past expierences that was never a good sign, but WHY DID THIS FEEL DIFFERENT? Was it because he was a nurse I worked with? That I believed he didnt have the capacity to break me like anyone else could in this world? -sigh.- I slept with him that night, and the hormones our brains release during that time, started the attachment. But it also set the fear in that he would be like everyone else. I want to skip around so much because diving back into these memories have been nothing but haunting the last week, but I’m trying to remind myself that skipping details is skipping moments that could possibly heal you. As I’m writing this, I’m crying tears over this stupid guy. And calling him stupid isnt going to fix anything, because even though you guys have gotten to read down to this part, I just want to say he isnt bad at all. He didnt leave to be an asshole, he was physically ill, he had an addiction problem and I was his catnip. And asking him to stay wasnt just selfish of me, but it was deadly. I would of never forgiven myself if he relapsed because I pushed him too far. I know he cared about me, and the impression I’m giving of him already doesnt give that off, so I wanted to say that before I continued the rest of this story.

Anyways, weeks passed and James and I would have deep conversations about our lives, fantasies, dreams and things. He would care for me when I was sick, reach out and cushion the blows I would take from the break up I just endured. He would push me to take the stress of work and push through it, remind me that I’m doing it for the greater good, and that I was doing just fine. He calmed the storm in my mind for a brief period of time, while I rumbled the dark one in his. Sex and the connection we made was what he called “catnip” to him, and he tried to push me away and I pulled him right back in. Not only was I intoxicating to him, but he became just as much to me. Who wouldnt want someone who could protect them from the harsh of the world for some time?? To give them that freedom feeling that they have CRAVED to feel for years? Valentines day, he gave me 3 chokers, and they meant the absolute world to me. Not only were they ones I wanted, but they had meaning to me. They were heartfelt emotional presents, specially from him; and I felt I was flying. I think that night was the night I began the falling process, or well... I know I did. I stepped off the ledge after he told me to not move furniture into a house he was only renting. I refused to believe that, in my head I thought I could save him, that this would be different. And the signs he gave off, gave me the hope that just that was happening.

......this is the hardest part.....

The day after Valentines day, I woke up and in my stomach I felt something different. I felt like our connection was torn, I was depressed and I thought it was just maybe me. We talked all day, and everything seemed normal. But that night, when he got off his shift, he met me in the staircase at my work. The staircase where he would visit me before he left, where he told me how crazy he was for me, where we shared some of our best kisses.... The staircase I walked down to have my first in face conversation with him...I sat next to him... Him: “Hey buddy, how are you?” It always bothered me when he called me buddy, I wasnt his buddy. I was his Kitten, his baby... “I’m alright, how are you?” “Tired.”  I wanted to just slump onto him and just melt. But I could feel the tension behind his words, that there was something that he wanted to say. “Are you still coming over Thursday?” “I don’t think thats going to be a good idea, buddy.” That last sentence shattered the world that he built up with me. I pressed on asking and he began to lightly tell me how what we built up was unhealthy for him, which I didn’t understand at that moment how it was unhealthy. How our relationship was bad for him, but I wasnt. His hazel eyes stared into mine, and I could feel that wall being built between us, I felt shut out. I tried clawing at that wall, pushing, hammering everything I could to get him to tell me why he was leaving. I sat on that second stair of the top while he stood below me, asking me to tell him to leave... I couldn’t. Telling him to leave was like telling myself to drown at that moment. How in such a short period of time could one person make me feel all this in a second. I didn’t grasp how we went from one moment of bliss, to.... hell. I’m still processing through this part, and it wasn’t until last night that it all made sense to me. James expressed so many times that he didn’t want to leave, but what we had was enticing his addictive nature, which could push him to relapse. And the only way to stop that, was to stop being with me. And I felt like I was so unhealthy for him at that point, no matter what he said. But it wasnt me, it was what we had. And there was no going back from that, you can’t just build up a relationship and then change it expecting it to change with you. So, you have to end it...  Which is still hard on me, because I care deeply about him. And because I care deeply for him; I’ve started to let him distance from me.

I wrote him one final text last night expressing every little emotion I had for him, and apologizing for throwing his stuff out, which I regret so much now because I dont have an inch of his love in my house... just my bed still smells like him. I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about him in a day, or how I’m still picking pieces of our relationship apart to find solutions or how BADLY I fight with myself to text him, begging him to text me back. Even after we broke up, he still wanted to come take care of me... I invited a random guy over to poke at him when we broke up, and he still came over to calm the pain in my heart once the guy left. Who does that? Not only do I know that what we have was unhealthy for him, but by the way I acted when he hurt me, was how I knew I was unhealthy for not just him... but those around me.

Moral to this story, even though its not fully finished but this is as much as I want to dive into it today is that... people are lessons. And James was the one who left pain in my soul, and that pain finally opened my eyes to how dangerous I am to people, how much pain I actually feel. I’m so for healing those around me, and saving those who need it. But... I forgot about me. I forgot that I need those things too, from myself. As of right now, I havent texted him; I’ve kept my word to let him distance, and I think he’s finally removed me from snap chat so he wont look at my stories and have the craving to return. 

As for me, well... this whole thing has made me realize that I need time to really heal and figure out me. I’ve been in and out of things in life, that I don’t think I’ve ever slowed down long enough to process what it is I’ve gone through. 

Do I love James? I think I loved the idea of being with him, and the feelings he gave me.

Do I care about him? Yes, and because of that, I don’t want to get in the way of his recovery.

Do I hope we can ever become something? At this point I think it’s healthy to say that everyone hopes they can get back with the person who just left them . I do hope we can talk one day, i miss our conversations. 

What’s next? Well, work today... I’m  dreading the day we have to run into each other at work, but that day will come and when it does, I’m going to embrace it and push through. 

I think thats enough for right now. 

[ts-nightingaleislands]

Episode #5- “I forgot Austin has a date with Mary Jane daily so Im gonna have to cut him some slack”- Chris

holy fucking shit! i cant believe i jumped ship like that! it could be a great game changing move or i could be the next damn boot . gotta play hard or go home....just hope i dont go home lol

GIVE ME A R, GIVE ME AN A, GIVE ME A T I N G S! The ratings jumped out last night! I literally slept on the craziness and had to get a skype call from my pal Gwen to get up an hour after the challenge. We quickly felt that it was best to just throw the challenge but that didnt stop a lot of unexpected ish happening: Steven jumping ship, AnnMarie/Sara/Kyle/Steven alliance chat expose, Austin coming to our tribe pleading for a hero like he was the reincarnation of Bonnie Tyler, Rizo making the Friends chat I kept forgetting to with Gwen/him/me/AnnMarie/Sara/Liam, us deciding to blindside Tim, Liam telling Austin about it who then proceeds to tell Tim and Kyle, Liam getting exposed for having connections to the other tribe, Liam in the hot seat, Austin in the hotseat, and the realization that we finally get to start playing woo.

So I'm feeling a lil better now with time passing.  I have talked with everyone at least some and I think I made a few strong connections that will carry me through this first tribal . I trust chris , gwen, and annmarie the most but who knows if they are blowing smoke up my ass . Only way to find out is wait for tribal tomorrow . Tumblr survivor gods be with me

So Im in the chat with Rizo/Kyle/Gwen and it seems the target has shifted completely off of Tim and its just like huh this was convenient. Gwen/Rizo and I talk of how we kinda control this but that maybe a split vote is better because of the idol and it seems to be a go...then it is shot down. See, I don't see why its not as beneficial. Even if Austin got votes we have the numbers. Its kinda interesting that these guys do not want to maximize safety supposedly but I also notice they arent as like flexible as they should be

I think this went well. We finally won a challenge, which I lowkey never expected. Austin mutinied, but he did what he had to do for us to win. I think he'll be ok on Petrel, after all this time they have to have some sort of target. Steven mutinied here bc Austin put in a good word for us (as is my understanding), so operating under that assumption means voting him out is a bad idea. As everyone now knows (bc my last cf was leaked), voting out Noah is still a bad idea, so it's between Cheatham and Amy (if we lose again!) Amy knows she's on the bottom. Can't be any more explicit than having an alliance with literally everyone else in the game leaked. So if I were to be loyal to my alliance, obviously she goes next. However, Cheatham probably got an idol from the pool. And he lied about it. So maybe not the most trustworthy ally. If he didn't tell us about the idol, then what's he got planned for it? He has plans for the future, and those plans don't seem to involve me. Also he has a very acerbic attitude, and if we merge having him would make us much less appealing to work with because he makes it very obvious whether or not he wants to work with someone. So if we lose again (which i lowkey hope we do), Cheatham is hopefully being blindsided! (has to be a blindside bc he has an idol)

I know everyone is trying to act oblivious now but come on now lol Austin saying he hasnt heard a name? Boy we all heard names 24 hours ago, its just a question if those same names are still out. I just claimed I made little progress for the tribal so he tells me to inform him and Im like? Inform what? That the ground is now wet when it used to be dry? This sleep schedule sucks

(LATER)

I forgot Austin has a date with Mary Jane daily so Im gonna have to cut him some slack

(LMFAO)

So tbh Austin, Liam, and Tim have reasons to go but I also notice Kyle and Tim didnt want me and Gwen in until after we lost, and now they have us wanting Austin out. Again timing is important in this game. If we won I doubt this would happen. Right now Im not decided yet but I see the gears shifting, its just a question of where

(OMG CONFESSIONAL KING)

In my talks with Austin I kinda feign ignorance but I notice EVERYONE is doing that so I dont think that stratrgy is gonna work longterm. I know for a fact Austin has talked game to people so when he says he hasn't then oop. Id say a strength of mine is reading people at times and that is why I feel I can't do it as much unless I play dumb with these people. Too bad they seem to be doing the same!

Tim is a sneaky motherfucker and needs to be voted out like, yesterday. Getting the target off his back so fast. Ha. I’m onto you Timothy! Austin said that Tim said to watch out for me. I knew it. Thank you leaky Austin!! If I get voted out at tribal, let the record show that I did everything in my power to get Tim out. And if I go and he stays, these people are screwed. Love you all (especially my #1 Chris)!!

So I dont really think being in a group which has Tim and Kyle is gonna work. We were literally the only ones (Tim, Kyle, Rizo, Gwen) who talked of voting Austin in that chat and all of a sudden, Austin knows his name is out and Rizo/Tim/Kyle want us to not be "paranoid" and just split? Uh insert Tasha 'we got a rat' gif because WE GOT A RAT

This is so damn stressful! I really have no clue if I'm going tonight or what . I really like the tribe tho and hope I can make it past this first tribal . Find out in a few hours 😥

Oh my this is really messy LMAOO. I’m doing exactly what I wanted to do build a relationship with everyone and get included into multiple groups. Now I can pick which way I wanna go. I’m in 2 trios Chris and Gwen then Tim and Kyle. I also have Sara and Annmarie that trust me so I can do what I want. It’s crazy cuz I was the first person to suggest Tim to go and it was in fruition until Tim and Kyle came to me. I realized why vote him out when I’m getting info from him and he wants me to stay. So boom change the target to Austin because he is talking to everyone and told Kyle Tim name is brought up. So Tim got scared so then I changed my target to Austin and majority wanted him gone. But Kyle and Tim want Liam gone and I don’t mind him leaving it’s just he is a nonfactor. I lowkey want annemarie gone because she is leaking info and seems close to austin. Preferably I want austin gone but we are scared he has an idol so I want to split votes but Tim is scared. So Kyle recommend Annmarie and I’m going to make sure she goes cuz I was going to do Liam for the split. But then I worried annemarie would reveal to Tim I wanted him out and that would be bad. So I would like austin to go hopefully he misplays his idol and Annmarie goes home. And I will be in the majority. Out of the trio I’m more loyal to a Chris and Gwen but I do like Kyle a lot. Let’s see how tonight plays

The lil snakes Tim & Kyle threw my name out so one of them has to leave, it's just that simple folks. I'm confident I've got a majority behind getting Tim to leave so I'm faithful that he's gonna be gone tonight.

Something smells sorta fishy... That first hour or so after losing the comp was utter chaos. Chats were everywhere and I had no clue who I was even talking to half the time. Now lately, it's been quiet so that's nerve wrecking. Anyway...Austin. Bruh, he told me at first that Amy was in the pool and then a day later that cheatham was. This honestly a mistake or?! I know he's talking a lot to others and spreading info because Kyle told me that he told him that Liam knew he mentioned his name. Honestly, this was great because now Kyle thinks that AnnMarie leaked..which is true..she did. Lulul! So anyways, Austin mentioned making a majority alliance after this of me/Gwen/Rizo/Chris/AnnMarie...which is odd because that's already a group. Coincidence or?? Regardless, that group is way too powerful and something's gotta give at one point here!

I just made a massive move And it couldn’t have worked out any better I decided to mutiny to the other tribe. I somehow managed to convince my tribe to let me go without anyone realizing that I would be bringing the victory with me to Thrush. I talked with Austin after he came over Petrel before I left,  and we made a plan for me to work with Noah and cheatham to take out Amy. Things started great with those two, and we had an alliance chat within 15 minutes. Cheatham even revealed to me that he was the one in the pool, which he hadn’t even told Noah. I also found out that Amy has the self vote, which works out perfectly. Things are looking good. I just made possibly the biggest move of the season so far, and things seem to be working out great

(LATER)

SO WOOOOW. I am truly shocked by what is going on. So obviously we threw the challenge, but afterwards, things went insane. I was up for at least an hour, talking to everyone in the tribe. We threw to get Tim out. He is definitely someone I don't want to keep, he could really mess up my game. Kyle and Steven were way out of the loop, and honestly, it was sorta obvious that Kyle and Tim were working together. Both Tim and Kyle threw out the name liam due to their inactivity, which sucks, I hate when that is the reason for someone getting voted out. Surprisingly, Tim doesn't know his name is out there, or at least I don't think so. He is suspicious that he's missing something, but I won't be the one to tell him. I am working with austin. He's lovely and we click well. That is all I can think to say.

I wish there was a swap. If I'm gone I'm gone, i guess 4 people are voting me so my best hope is if gwen rizo kyle chris dont vote me ;(

i just have been listening to noah tbh

5 votes Tim, 4 votes AnnMarie.

[blondeandbubblyent-blog]

BLONDE AND BUBBLY: 02.15

an in this episode: we talk about your favorite couples from the hills!

madi: hi sexies! i’m madison ware and you are listening blonde and bubbly! this week is the week of love and for that i have four amazing guest for you guys! but before i present them, i’ll tell you which fantastic champagne we will almost all drink today! so the bottle of the day is an Armand de Brignac Gold Brut. without further ado, i’ll tell you guys our four guests! we have kazi and mia, and jinyoung and atlas! two married and solid couples that i have the pleasure to be friends with. i’ll start to interview jinyoung and atlas, then i’ll finish with mia and kazi!

madi: welcome atlas & jinyoung on this special valentines day episode of blonde and bubbly! I'm so hyped to have you guys!! Lets start without further ado with the first question: how long have you guys been together?

jinyoung:  over eight months I believe or in about that

madi: how did you guys meet?

atlas:  we grew up in busan, south korea, together, going to the same school and all though we weren’t actually friends. i always had a crush on him but i actually bullied him quite a bit because i was dumb and couldn’t even be nice to him. he ended up leaving to start training at bighit and i never really saw him until i came to the hills and we reunited

madi: this is so adorable!  what's your favorite memory of you guys?

atlas:  i have too many memories to choose from but i think getting to go with him on tour and see him do what he loves. it was really amazing to see how outgoing he was on stage and how he and the fans interacted and he even came down from stage to kiss me at every show so that was nice

jinyoung:  oh wow there’s so many. but i believe my favourite was when I took him to a dog cafe. you should’ve seen the way be lit up.

madi: awww!  who's the messiest?

atlas:  umm probably me, jinyoung is a clean freak and always is cleaning the house

jinyoung:  him. he probably said something about me cleaning the house. i like things clean. plus it gives me something to do

madi: i see..  what's your biggest pet peeve about your significant other?

jinyoung:  his stubbornness, in a way. my god, can that man get jealous. I want to smack him over the head sometimes but it’s not major.

atlas:  probably that he doesn’t realize how beautiful and amazing he truly is, but i’m working on it. he will realize it sooner or later.

madi: this is so adorable.  what's one thing you like the most in your significant other?

jinyoung:  his eyes, they’re what made me fall in the first place. he likes to believe he’s not soft but I could see it in his eyes, they’re warm, like home

atlas:  definitely his heart, he has the purest and kindest heart i’ve ever witnessed in a person. he sees the best in everyone (even if i don’t approve of it sometimes) and always wants to help make people feel better and make the world a better place. he truly is an angel

madi: im going to cry this is too much.  do you guys have any special plans for valentines day?

jinyoung:  uhh not that I’m aware of. I don’t make a big deal out of it because I think if you love someone it should be shown everyday not just go all out on the one day. but with that i’ll probably do something for him, maybe not big but meaningful

atlas:  i do have something planned that he does not know about and it will remain a secret until further notice

madi: oooooh...  Where was your first date?

jinyoung:  an aquarium. I love aquariums. anything water related tbh. i don’t even think I talked to him all that much I was too into the animals, but it was fun and he was very sweet.

madi: i love aquariums too!  What's your favorite thing to do together?

atlas:  personally.. my favorite thing to do with him is make breakfast. Well.. I normally make the pancakes and he will make the tea or cut the fruit. We are super domestic and always do stuff around the house together and take our dog for a walk or play with our cats, but I’d say waking up to him and then cooking breakfast together is a big favorite.

jinyoung:  I’m stuck between two. mornings, waking up to him and making breakfast and then watching the stars. those are just us things. the little things.

madi: this is all very romantic, i love it.  thank you so much for participating in this episode of blonde and bubbly, it was a pleasure to have you guys! I have one last questions for you guys; if you could give any relationships advice, what would it be? Thanks again for coming!

jinyoung:  ahhh you’re very welcome madi thank you for letting us on an episode. and oh gosh okay, um my advice would be communicate. I know a lot of people say this probably but it really is a big part. talk to each other, it can be hard sometimes but in the end it’s better. don’t hide things especially on how you’re feeling. whether you’re uncomfortable, or wanna try something. be open minded and respect each other’s choices. don’t wait to say things, just say them.  

atlas:  oh man, I really suck at giving advice but I will give it a go. I guess… don’t look for love or a relationship, it will come to you naturally and maybe when you least expect it. It could also be the person you least expect it to be, but definitely don’t wait around and look for love because when it is time it will come to you and if it’s meant to be it will be so amazing and life changing

madi: very good tips guys! we’ll now welcome mia and kazi!

madi: hi guys! tell us how long have you guys been together? 

kazi: been together for over a year, been married for 6 months, been crazy abt mia ALL the time:) 

mia: 10950.012 hours 

madi: and how did you guys meet?

kazi: we met in a lil town called toronto n she was sayin i liked toes in my butt? i hadn’t even TALKED to the lady before.. then we started dming and quickly became enemies

mia: i stayed in canada for a few months.. like two.. when i was 19 and i ran into him at a bar [wanted to know if they had mozzarella sticks] where i saw him flirting with eight different girls at once they were all competing for his attention he took them behind the bar one at a time and boinked dem all and i thought to myself well thats NOT sanitary so i started a rumor in the bar that he liked toes up his butt and he got mad and said hey, u there, stop spreading lies about me and the rest is history

madi: what's your favorite memory of you guys? 

kazi: my favorite memoryyyy idk there’s so many..when she told me she was pregnant (that‘s in the top 3 happiest moments of my life), when we got married, the whole day leading up to when i proposed n then when i actually proposed.. when we were fighting for like 2 days but we said we’d meet up on the beach in malibu to talk n we talked ALLL night n fell asleep there (didn’t get kidnapped by pirates).. when we babysat for luke and kaia the day after i told her i like her.. see there’s too many i could keep going 

mia: idk i cant pick one mostly because i cant remember my memory is terrible but also because theres so many.. but uhhh.. probably when we spent all night being weird and taking notes on each other and he was educating me about the weeknd and other artists he loved cuz i was really getting to know him and know what he loved 

madi: who's the messiest? 

kazi: i’m gonna say FATTY is the messiest esp cuz that one time he took a shit under the dining room table n it stinked the place up but i couldn’t find the freakin poop.. lil trickster 

mia: my boyfriend jose

madi: and what's your biggest pet peeve about your significant other? 

kazi: when she’s a stubborn freakin BRAT n she KNOWS i hate saying no to her so she keeps goin til she gets what she wants but i’m toughening up.. 

mia: not really a pet peeve but it just bothers me that hes kind of a pushover.. he’ll let anyone and everyone walk all over him wish he’d be more assertive and just punch someone in the face if they mess with him u know (i dont condone violence) 

madi: what's one thing you like the most in your significant other? 

kazi: i cant pick one thing cuz i love n adore everything abt her.. but i’ll say that i love her amazing sense of humor, her natural and genuine kindness, and her beautiful perfectly sculpted yiddies.. 

mia: hes so kind and genuine and loving to everyone and everything hes also really undertanding and patient especially with me 

madi: ugh you guys are so cute. do you guys have any special plans for valentines day? 

 kazi: no not yet, last year we went to paris and since mia’s pregnant this year we can’t go THAT far out but i think i might have an idea cookin so it’ll be fun 

mia: i forgot valentines day was a thing 

madi: Where was your first date?

madi: What's your favorite thing to do together? 

kazi: i think we spend a lot of time eating together we’re always cookin or doin smth food related.. that’s when we’re not havin SEX!!!!

 mia: iono i just like when its me and him [and our dogs] and we just talk for hours about anything and everything

madi: thank you so much for participating in this episode of blonde and bubbly, it was a pleasure to have you guys! I have one last questions for you guys; if you could give any relationships advice, what would it be? Thanks again for coming! 

kazi: date ur best friend it makes everything a billion times better 

mia: stay single 

madi: and that is it for today guys! i’m so glad that you accepted my offer and cant thank you enough! thank you so much atlas, jinyoung, kazi and mia for coming and participating! this is a reminder that blonde and bubbly was created by me and sabine al-masri who we all miss. and a big thank you again to mia for our amazing theme on tumblr, make sure you check it out! my name is madison ware, i’m blonde and i had wayy too much bubbly so it’s time for me to say goodbye! 

[feelingsofhope]

Found this in my drafts. Some interesting stuff here.

So, I’ve been getting a load of flak for how depressed i’ve been lately. well, I’m going to explain here...This is going to be long so get comfy.

I’m always being told to just “Relax” or do it for the “Fun” and not the fame.

See now normally ythis would be amazing advice to someone with a more normal background then mine. See why this is bad advice to me is because i didn’t get into Music cause it is fun. I did this solely for therapeutic reasons.  Now comes the part why it was therapy. I have really bad social issues, like o was afraid to talk to anyone cause i was an extremely slow learner. I didn’t understand the world or why people were the way they were. Not to mention i have alopecia totalis. So i lost my hair when i was in middle school 6th grade. And losing your hair in patches tends to kick down your self esteem and worth. I hated who i was, I hated that for some reason i had to deal with all of this  myself. Granted i made a few friends that became life long during this time, But, That was cause the common interest of FF7. Back to the hair loss, As you probably already figured out, I was bullied and made fun of a lot at school.Not just a little bullied im talking people used to fight me cause i looked sick and i was near them. the friends that i said i made started taking my side and helping me out with all these assholes. They were bigger than the bullys and they weren’t afraid to throw in a hit or ten. Now see this happened pretty much all the time, It was a daily regiment to get bullied and teased. this happened until like 8th grade. I had to repeat 7th grade so i ended up being a year behoind all of my friends. Now in this year behind i met some more life long friends. great people.  

Now that you have that part here is my home life... 

My father wasn’t much of a father to me, He used to be someone i looked up to until my niece was born. Now im gonna throw this out so you dont get it twisted. I love my niece and i dont hold any sort of resentment towards er at all. I’m very proud of my niece. But back to the subject.when my niece was born my father basically forgot i existed as his son. Ihe would only talk to me if to dicipline me or have me get him water. I tried to get his aproval on so many levels. But that didnt really happen. I was 11 when she was born, Cue in the stress and depression. Since i was just getting into middle school and all that i couldv’e really used my dads help to get me through all of this bullying and teasing. I didn’t get any respect at school and at home i felt like only my mother loved me and wanted me around. since he wasnt there i had to figure out what a man was all about. how to handle my self, protect myself and how to build my mind up enough to notice things. basically do what my dad was supposed to do. just prepare me for things i know he knew would happen. 

There is both home and school life.... Now here is where music was introduced to me...

8th grade i took up band class i played the tenor saxophone. Now at first i was annoyed that i was in a class where i was constantly judged about how i was playing. But i was wrong, Well atleast for middle school i was. i played in band for 6 months and then was advanced to advanced band. I took to it rather fast and i learned how to play the sax withing those 6 months. now this was a replacement for being social. I didnt have to make friends through talking to them and getting to know them. I made friends by playing music with others. This was an unspoken language tthat to me made more sense then any words that  could be spoken.Harmony in the room as all of the band played these songs. Me being afraid to talk to people led people to talk to me, Now i can talk to people just fine as long as i dont have to start the conversation. and i made a few more friends like this. 

So here is an intermission break down

I was bullied and my father wasnt there. I lost my hair do to stress and depression and i was scared to talk to anyone. Music made me feel like i knew a new language to communicate with the people around me. 

Now here is where Raves came into my life. during the summer before high school i went to my first rave called “lucid dreams”, I was terrified cause there were so many people there. I loved the music cause i was already listening to it for a few years already. But this scene had something different to it that i liked immediately. everyone didnt care how i was or why i was. They  would just smile at me and be friendly without me saying a single word.it was then ithat i found that the dj basically made the moodand was essentially the god of socialness. it was the first time i really felt at home and welcome in a very long time. After i started raving My hair started to grow back and i started to feel alive again. now just before i went to high school i went to one other rave that impacted me. It was called “Defcon 3″

This rave is what introduced me to the thought of being a dj. I remember me and my friends were stanfding outside and talking to this really awesome guy who always had a backpack on (Trajikk). Now we didn’t know who he was until he got on the stage that night and played some amazing hard house.Just seeing the attention he got when he spun his hour set i was in pure awe. i was talking to this man outside and he was completely coo. rhwn after his set i remember everyone going to him and saying how amazing his set was. This interested me causehe went up and showed off his abilities and was getting attention after. People were thanking him and saying how he made their night so much better. i seen this as he just helped these people have a better night. i mean he helped me that night. From that night i was inspired to become a dj, I went out and bought some turntables and a few records and started to play them. i had no idea what i was doing at all.  Then after about 6 or so months i found a website with a forum called “DJTrajikk.com” it was beatfrekz before. but it was the DJ i was talking to outside of the show! so i joined the forum and was like 5th place in posts. I  remember putting up a post saying i bought some decks and was wondering if anyone could help me out. 

Guess who answered, 2 guys from floorbangrs (Might have been beatfrekz still i am not sure) The first was DJ XLR8, He helped me learn how to count the beats and how to adjust. he disnt show me a whole lot but he let me mix and he would explain how things worked and why it didnt work. That day was amazing. I learned so much that day. Now the second reply was from my idol “Trajikk” he invited me over to his house and he tought me a lot more. I was taught how to count the beats and swith the beats up. Identify  and cueing. song structure, how to read a vinyle by the density of the grooves and howhen to mix and how to mix. These two djs taught me everything i needed to get started. a few months later trajikk gave me my first show called “Winter freeze” on December 18 2004. I was so happy that i was shaking. i played and of coarse iu was not so great because i was just starting, I played my set and stepped down. and the people that were there came up to me and started talking with me. They liked the music that i playd and and thanked me. 

To me this was heaven on earth, I loved being able to get off the stage and have people come to me to talk to me. I wasn’t scared of people anymore. it encouraged me to get really good at the art. i was beyond myself with how much music connected me back to the world of the living.

lets end this with why im so depressed...

Im so depressed because i’ve lost my hair, Lost my girl of 5 years, my father passed away and i have a lot of resentment still, I cant spin with these new kids anymore because its not to them like it was to me. It was my way of connecting to the world and now i lost my key to get back in the door. back in the day people would literally go to hear the music the dj played and stay for all the djs sets cause it was amazing mussic. now it’s a bunch of these new kids dressing like little hoes and douch bags. they only listen to one DJ and leave to go to a after party to get drunk and do drugs. and if they do stay they stay out in the smoking section the whole time. the music i play isnt what they like, My music isnt ‘Hard” enough for them. 

Now lets go to the competition night...

This is the end, I was pumped and ready to go and play the set of my life. I get there and i see so many people there already who were ready to support me. I was happy but i was terrified again. i had no connection to this scene anymore how would i dj? i was always confident in my abilities as a dj but this night i was scared more then ever. I drank a few and then played my set. I see in the crowd as i am Spinning the girl i cherish, My friends and my brother and his wife. My nephew and his friend all in the crowd. I freeze... then i press play on my track that was already playing and shut it off, i freaked out and just replayed it from the start. oh well. But with soo much pressure on me that i have never felt before i played a terrible set. They said it was a great set but to me....I felt like i let all these people that never come to see me down. I raised my normally high standard of my self to way higher than i could ever. I couldnt hear the music even though it was sooo loud. I couldn’t think, I couldnt do anything but hope.  The crowd stayed moving the whole time, and cheered me on. .. I felt like i wasted all these peoples time by playing a mediocre set. I let them down cause i didnt bring it like i wanted to. I wanted to impress the girl that i cherish... I put so much pressure on my self that i collapsed. I shut down and got drunk and hated my self.... 

Well i hope this clears things up a bit. You read this and tell me is im just being a dumb ass....