#I feel like I'm permanently socially stunted because of what happened and my entire life is just playing catch up

[magnolia-reverie]

I spent so long repressing my interests and making myself as bland as possible for the palatability of everyone around me that I became an empty shell of a person devoid of most things that make them memorable

[scripttorture]

I saw your ask talking about the torture apologia in thriller through assassins and I was wondering cause I have a character who from a very, very young age was taught to be that assassin and was punished with pain/lack of food/isolation for the smallest demeanours, I'm not sure if it counts as torture exactly due to the political aspect of torture as a whole, but would she more likely think this was normal and gradually learn it wasn't or would she need to be exposed to the idea that it wasn't?

(Assassin anon) if she does learn it herself as opposed to being exposed to it, what age is this likely to happen? I also just want to clarify, I don't want her staying with the group doing it cause I know torture doesn't gain loyalty at all, I just want to make sure the way she grows into the knowledge that what's happening to her isn't normal is done correctly and as realistically as I can

Legallyspeaking this would be abuse not torture. But make no mistake whatyou’re describing is child abuse and it is incredibly harmful.

Itwould have a drastic effect on the character, effects which wouldmake the character much less effective as an assassin.

I-know this isn’t exactly what you asked, and I will answer yourquestion. But I get so many story ideas pitched here that assume thiskind of set up is harmless. I don’t think you’re making thatassumption but I feel I wouldn’t be doing my job properly if Ididn’t talk about the damage this kind of abuse would cause.

Asidefrom anything else I think it’s important to be clear on the kindof damage these scenarios would cause. Because as an author it’sreally easy to acknowledge something is harmful but misjudge whatkinds of injuries or long term problems it can cause.

Childabuse, especially the kinds you’ve chosen for this story, causes alot of long term physical and psychological problems. And they’reproblems that would have a knock on effect on the character’sabilities as an assassin.

Starvationat a young age can stunt growth. It can result in weaker bones. Itleads to a lot more illness in childhood. A pattern of regularstarvation at a young age can lead to significant weight gain laterin life (which I’m including because depending on the setting itcould effect an assassin’s ability to blend in).

Italso reduces a child’s ability to learn. It reduces concentrationand motivation, produces depressive symptoms and agitation.

Dependingon how severe the starvation is and how regular the periods ofstarvation are it could lead to a permanent drop in intelligence-brain damage. It can also lead to mental health problems like anxietyand depression.

Starvationis incredibly dangerous for anyone, but it’s particularly dangerousfor children.

Solitaryconfinement, or isolation, is also particularly damaging forchildren.

There’sless research on solitary confinement in children. Most of theresearch is in adults. But everything we do know strongly suggeststhat the effects on children, especiallyyounger children, are much more severe.

It’snot clear exactly what causes the physical symptoms of solitaryconfinement. Some of them could be down to poor cell conditions. Eyeproblems could be down to poor cell conditions. Lack of energy andinsomnia seem to be possible regardless. All of these could causelong term problems for an assassin.

Fora child in particular the chances of long term problems socialisingare particularly high. Solitary causes significant problemssocialising in adults and in children, who are still learning how tosocialise, it can produce life long isolation because they neverlearn to socialise.

Thatin turn has knock on effects making depression, self harm and lowself esteem incredibly likely in the long term.

That’sin addition to the other mental health problems that solitaryconfinement causes. And repeated bouts of solitary confinement wouldexacerbate those previous symptoms. So you’ve got a situation wherethe character’s mental health problems would just keep piling up.Because each of the punishments would cause serious mental healthproblems and solitary would make each of those worse.

AndI think that brings us back to the question, thank you for bearingwith me through that. :)

HonestlyI think this depends on the way you’ve set up the story. Dependingon how much contact the character has with people outside theassassin-organisation she could work out that this isn’t ‘normal’or she might need to be outright told.

Itcould also vary depending on how other children being trained aretreated.

Childrenare very good at spotting unfair treatment even if they’re notalways very good at expressing why it’s unfair. But that doesinvolve being able to see that other people are treated differently.

Ifthe character isable to see what normal life looks like from a young age then shewould probably realise early on that she’s being treated badly.Anecdotally I’ve read a few accounts from people who were abused aschildren recalling that it was when they started going to school,socialising with other children their own age without their parentsaround, that they realised their experience wasn’t ‘normal’.

Fromeverything you’ve said I doubt this character is going to amainstream school. Is there an equivalent, regular opportunity forher to social with people outside the assassin-group at a young age?

Dependingon how you’re picturing the training regime and raising of thesechildren she might be able to reach the same realisation based onother children within the group. If the children are raisedcommunally as a group and are all treated equally badly then I don’tthink that would be possible. But if it’s more akin to them eachbeing put with a particular teacher/parent figure and each child’straining regime is controlled by one or two adults with significantvariations- Then I think you could easily have the character realisethat most of the others aren’t starved, those children aren’tlocked up alone, a few children aren’t even beaten.

Ineither of these scenarios I think it wouldn’t be unreasonable tohave the character realising things are different for her at 4-5years old.

Ifshe’s kept isolated from the outside world and the other childrenare treated just as badly then I think it could take significantlylonger for her the realise her experience isn’t normal.

Theeasiest way to bring about that realisation would probably be as partof any training to ‘blend in’ with larger society. When hertraining gets to a point where she needsto know how to sham ‘correct’ social behaviour or at leastobserve her targets then she’s going to encounter relationshipsthat aren’t abusive.

Itwould probably take a pattern of repeated observation for her torealise that her experience is the aberration. But the exact age thisis likely to take place at would depend on how you’re picturing hertraining regime and the kind of age these assassins are allowed outinto the wider world.

Now,I’m not entirely sure if this has addressed your question, becausethere seems to be an element of spontaneous realisation with nooutside input versus overt exposure. I’m not sure those aremutually exclusive.

Idon’t think she could function as an assassin completely isolatedfrom outside society. Which means that the question isn’t whethershe’s exposed to other ways of living but when.

Idon’t think that someone truly and completely isolated from otherways of living would realise that abuse wasn’t normal. I thinkthey’d know it was wrong and unfair and harmful but those aren’tthe same thing. And that doesn’t seem to be what’s going on here.

SoI think you’ve got some room to decide what age the character comesto this realisation based on what age she’s exposed to- wellnon-abusive relationships. And I think the realisation can be aspontaneous thing that grows in response to that exposure.

Havinga character bluntly tell her that her relationships were all abusive-based on anecdotes and personal experience I’d say this is aterrible way to try and reach someone in that situation. It mostcommonly seems to produce a knee-jerk defence of the relationships.

Itcouldlead to her eventually accepting that these relationships areabusive, years later. But in the short term, most people are morelikely to knuckle down, to get defensive, to deny. Even if sherecognises that the relationship is bad. It’s a sort of ‘it’sbad but it’s not that’.

Tohave a blunt declaration like this reach her I think you’d need todo a lot of groundwork to establish the character is already most ofthe way to reaching that realisation herself.

Dependingon the broader situation and exposure to outside cultures/familyunits you really could pick almost any age. I think the youngest agesyou could reasonably use is 4-5 years old. While she could stillreach the realisation as an adult I think the further into adulthoodshe is, the more entrenched in the assassin-group she is the lesslikely she is to leave.

Becauseleaving these kinds of situations means rejecting her entire socialcircle. It means isolation. It means the rejection of routine andeverything she’s come to rely on. Which is difficult at any age butas an adult in her 30s, 40s etc I think she’s more likely tobelieve she’d be incapable of establishing relationships outside ofher group. That’s not true, but the longer she remains isolatedfrom relationships outside the group the more likely it is thatshe’ll believe she’s incapable of starting over.

Especiallybecause these sorts of isolated groups tend to try and teach membersthat they won’t be accepted elsewhere, it’s part of how they keeppeople in the group.

Youmight also find it useful to look up interviews with people who leftcults. I have a few saved that might help as a starting point. Thisone was an American ‘homeschool’ community.Thisone is a South Korean cult and the interviewee lost contact with herfamily because of the cult.

Beyondthat, you might want to have a look at Scripttraumasurvivors posts onchild abuse.

ReclaimingDreams and the war child site generally could be relevant.There’salso a practical guide to reintegrating child soldiers into societythat could be useful to you here.

Ihope that helps. :)

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