#I feel equipped to get through the dip in mental health that comes with winter

[clingylilhoneybee]

This is the first time in years that new years has filled me with true hope and excitement n I really love that

[ask-professor-laurel]

Shiverwood Facilities

(This is a WIP, will probably be updated fairly frequently!)

PREFACE

This blog is a headcanon blog- it is not run as canon, and everything said is my own personal headcanons. The goal of this blog is just to explore the Pokemon world and the lore in ways that canon does not, I don’t claim anything I say to be canon or superior to anybody else’s headcanons.

This blog ignores game mechanics, as they don’t apply to the more realistic approach I’m taking here. I’m operating more under a blend of manga and anime mechanics. Storylines in the games may be acknowledged, but game mechanics (level up system, IVs and EVs, etc) are not canon to this blog.

A note from the person who runs this blog: I am by no means a medical expert, or an expert in real life animals. This is all for fun, and is just my fun way of having a blog for a self-indulgent Pokemon OC. Do not take anything I see here as real-life medical or animal handling advice- I am not a professional in any way.

(I also want to note- I was inspired by the Professor Peach blog to start my own, so shoutout to them for giving me the idea!!)

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What do we do?

Shiverwood Facilities itself is dedicated both to Pokemon research and Pokemon care. Our work is primarily based on Pokemon behaviour rather than on any specific Pokemon type, with our primary work being researching into a broad spectrum of Pokemon behaviours, and the care of Pokemon sent to us for care or rehabilitation. We also act as an in-between for Pokemon that need more intensive rehabilitation we can’t offer and we can often take in Pokemon that need to be removed from situations, but who don’t have someone to take them in quite yet. 

On the research side of things, I (Professor Laurel) am in charge of most aspects of it. My research is centralized on Pokemon variants, the environmental causes, and the behavioural aspects. I’m also a behaviouralist myself, with a background in that sort of research, so I’m a bit of an encyclopedia on Pokemon behaviour and the habits of various species. I’m most familiar with Dragon, Grass, and Bug type Pokemon, but I can help with pretty much any typing. 

Our site is equipped to deal with Pokemon that need care or minimal rehabilitation- anything more intensive we offer to just hold onto the Pokemon in question until someone more qualified can come and pick them up. Pokemon care here covers mental wellbeing and physical health- we have several behaviouralists onsite, including myself, who can get to the root of the problem and help a Pokemon emotionally, as well as trained medical staff who can deal with anything physical, be it injuries or something chronic. Our medical facilities are equivalent to a Pokemon Centre, and we often take in injured wild Pokemon for short stays before releasing them, but we’ll also help out trainers who pass by, or anyone who needs to bring in their Pokemon for a longer stay, free of charge. Any Pokemon left with us, whether found after being abandoned or being surrendered from bad situations, will most likely be rehomed, if not taken in by someone on staff. 

We offer tours of the facility, as well as tours of the local habitat. These are both guided either by myself or another staff member with a capable team, just in case. Public areas are clearly marked with signs, same with warning signs for any areas that might be dangerous, and areas closed to the public. We also host a couple of events every season that serve to raise awareness of our work, Pokemon care, Pokemon wellbeing, etc for the public. 

—————

Who are you sending your questions to?

Professor Arthur Laurel! That’s me- you can call me Arthur if you want, I’m not big on formalities. I’ve talked about myself already, but I’m the person who will be receiving and answering all of your questions.

I have a smaller team of Pokemon from my trainer days, and all three of them are my trusted partners and some of my very best friends.

Cloudhopper - My Dragonite. She’s been with me the longest and is my partner, gifted to me as a starter as a Dratini when I was going to set out on my Gym Challenge. She’s also a certified service Pokemon, as well as a flying Ride Pokemon. Known for being very protective, usually the one to get me out of trouble, but also very sweet and loving. She does have a wicked sense of humour, though, watch out for if she feels mischievous.

Honeybite - My Appletun. He’s larger than the average Appletun, standing at over 3 feet tall, and known for being the sweetest cuddles there ever was. He’s been with me nearly as long as Cloudhopper. Honeybite’s famous for his cuddles, but don’t underestimate him for his sweet face, he’s quite the little powerhouse when he wants to be, but luckily for us he chooses peace.

Sweetbug - My Vespiquen. She was the last addition to my team, but it’s still been a good decade of having her by my side. She’s a mother hen type between myself and her Combee hive, with a fierce protective streak that has us keeping her hive closed to the public. She often offers honey as a gift to those she cares about, so you can always tell someone’s having a good day when they’ve got a little jar of honey that they didn’t get from me.

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Where are we and how can you find us?

Shiverwood is a bit of an exaggeration for a name- we’re located just north of Ballonlea, near the mountains surrounding Wyndon. We’re just north of being hot and humid, and just south of being freezing, so we have some cooler weather for most of the year, although summers can get quite hot. There are designated paths through the thick forest outside of Ballonlea that lead to us, so finding your way isn’t too difficult, but for those who don’t want to travel on foot we can also be reached through Corviknight Taxi and easily spotted from the sky on a flying service Pokemon. We don’t have any water access, the only body of water being a nearby lake, as well as no train access. Walking/riding or flight are the only ways to reach us. 

We’re in this area on the standard Galar map.

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What kind of facilities do we have?

MAIN LAB - This is the largest building, it’s the main research facility and where you’ll find me if I’m not cooped up in my lab or out in the field. It also contains a smaller medical facility equipped for minor injuries for both people and Pokemon. Mostly open to the public.

LAUREL’S LAB - Within the Main Lab building. I keep it open to the public for the most part, just know that it’s a mess most of the time, because I believe in organized chaos. My team can be interacted with here if they’re in the mood for it, so if you’ve ever wanted to hug a Dragonite, now’s your chance. 

POKEMON CENTER - It’s not an official Pokemon Center, but we call it one because it’s easier. It’s equipped to handle anything from massive medical emergencies to permanent and semi-permanent residents who require more care. Also equipped for human care. We often offer supervised positions to learning medical students so that they can gain experience under the watchful eyes of our doctors. Some of it is open to the public, but the rooms are restricted to trainer and friends and family only, and surgery rooms are completely off limits.

ZEN AREA - This is a combination of a building and a bigger outdoor area. This is where the behaviouralists care for Pokemon’s mental wellbeing- think of it like therapy for Pokemon. The outdoor area is open to the public, but inside the building only the entrance is accessible. This is because inside is where Pokemon who may be volatile or aggressive are cared for, to prevent them from escaping, or harming other patients. We call it the Zen Area because it can be very soothing, patient or not.

CONTAINMENT - Where we hold the Pokemon we’re temporarily holding for someone to come collect. This area is completely closed off to the public due to the usually very aggressive or unpredictable nature of the Pokemon who stay there. This area is meant for temporary stays- it’s a sizeable enough area of the woods right at the base of the mountain, and there’s a pond in there that’s surprisingly deep. This area can handle a wide variety of Pokemon, temporarily, but it can’t handle every single species. In those cases, we relocate them to another facility as quickly as possible.

GREENHOUSES - These are the warmest places in the facility, mostly inhabited by Grass Types, but also home to quite a few Bug Types. Open to the public and plants are available for purchase, with a wide range from leafy greens to berry saplings. The Pokemon here are tamed, and can be adopted. There is one that’s closed off to the public due to the Combee hive in there, but the honey can be bought!

TRAINING FIELD - Most of us are trainers, so we have a standard battlefield set up for battling! It isn’t equipped for Dynamaxing or Gigantamaxing, but that isn’t a worry since we don’t have the means to do so in this area. Trainers are welcome to use the field for practice, and to see if any staff would like to battle with them. I’m usually up for a good battle unless I’m busy (or recovering from something), and it’s great fun to spectate during your breaks!

MIRROR LAKE - Named after the Giant’s Mirror, Mirror Lake hosts numerous Water Types that prefer the colder waters. We have a Lapras who lives there and she’s very friendly, though she’s never been captured and we don’t allow the public to ride on her. She picks and chooses on the staff who she’ll allow to ride on her back and if you try to force it, she throws you into the water. We have other trained ride Pokemon for water rides, and the shallows can be nice to dip your feet in during the hotter summer, though the water never gets above chilly temperatures.

SHIVERWOOD FOREST - Likely named during the colder winter, Shiverwood is the forest we’re built on the edge of. It’s technically still the Glimwood Tangle, but we have stronger wild Pokemon around, as well as some other species you won’t find south of Ballonlea. There are trail tours, but we generally advise not wandering into the dense forest, as it’s very easy to get lost. You’ll often be able to see the wild Sylveon and Umbreon packs, as well as some Deerling and Sawsbuck herds, lots of Impidimps and a few Morgrems and Grimmsnarls, and plenty of Zubats. If you’re lucky, you might spot a Trevenant! 

MOUNTAIN TRAILS - We have several mountain trails to hike on if you don’t mind the chillier weather up there. Most of the caves have danger signs posted in front of them and we often have staff posted near them, but several caves are open and free to explore! We have a Gigalith who lives deep in the caves who comes out every once in a while and is a real sight to behold, and higher up the mountain for more experienced climbers, you may get to see a very friendly Froslass. Other than that you can expect to find Geodudes, Gravellers and Golems, more Zubats, Roggenrolas and Boldores, and most common Rock Types. If you’re very lucky in the winter, and if you’re patient and brave enough to climb up to see the Froslass, you might just see an Aurorus if you wait around long enough. She’s very elusive, but breathtaking to see. Just don’t get on the wrong side of any Abomasnow or Beartics you see up there- keep to the trails and don’t go without staff. 

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You said events?

I did! We host a couple of events every season, raising awareness for our work and for Pokemon in need to the public. The events we host are all free and are open for everyone, and we always put out plenty of notice and signs so everyone knows!

SPRING

Shiverwood Trek - Every year, early in the spring, we put on the annual hike where everyone who shows up early in the morning joins us for a hike through the forest! We do Pokemonspotting throughout, and this is usually the time where you get to interact with a lot of wild Pokemon and see the sights that Shiverwood has to offer. This is also the only event where we go off the trails- since the foliage won’t have fully come in, it’s much easier to get through, so we always explore “new” (we explore before taking random people in for safety reasons) areas. Afterwards, there’s a lunch and then we offer the usual guided tours. I usually lead this one!

Wake-Up Call - A lot of Pokemon come out of hibernation in the spring, and after sleeping for so long, they’re quite hungry! Come on down and make up baskets of food grown here in the Greenhouses, and join us in going through the forest and setting baskets around for anyone who might need it. You’ll often get to see sleepy Pokemon stumbling around, and let me tell you, you haven’t lived till you’ve seen a sleepy Greedent fall asleep eating the basket it found.

SUMMER

Summer Barbecue Bash!! - Just what it says it is! It’s a massive barbecue party we hold from early afternoon to late into the night every summer. We team up with Kabu and other Fire Type experts to bring in Fire Types to help with the cooking, as well as putting on shows of them displaying their talents and powers. It’s a lot of fun, just remember to bring sunscreen! 

Scavenger Hunt - This one’s more meant for the younger ones, but we host a big scavenger hunt in the easy forest trails and the easy mountain trails for people to complete! Everybody gets a prize for finishing, but first free to finish get a bigger prize just as a bit of incentive. This usually brings out the families, a lot like the barbecue bash, and is a lot of fun to set up and help out with. Staff get to be wonderfully cryptic and unhelpful (unless it’s with the little ones- we’re a bit more helpful there) and it’s good to get out into the sun for a bit. We hold this one a couple times throughout the summer.

FALL

Fall Forage - As fall comes in, a lot of local plant life starts to wither for the colder weather. Right at the beginning, we lead people around for foraging, and anything they find they can choose to donate to us or take home for free. There’s a lot of Pokemonspotting to be had, a lot of exploring, and at the end of the day we take some of what we’ve found and we make a big community pot of soup! That’s become a tradition for the forage over the years, and it’s probably my favourite part after spending the whole day gathering plants in the chilly weather. 

Sawsbuck Sendoff - Every year in the fall, the Sawsbuck and Deerling herds that live in the area migrate towards the mountains for the winter. They come through the area in big herds, and this lasts usually 2 - 3 days. This started off as something unofficial, but the popularity of it led to us advertising it as a sendoff, where we all gather and watch the Sawsbuck and Deerling herds migrate. You can also help clearing their way with us if you want, it’s a volunteer operation and we repay you with food, but you basically just help us clear the way and set up food and water stations, plus you might see some early groups come through! Can’t go up to the herds for safety reasons, but watching them is quite beautiful, and very rewarding to see your hard work pay off when they eat the food you set out for them. 

WINTER

Into the Unknown - Named a bit dramatically, because we definitely know where we’re going, but winter’s event is cave exploring! This is the only time of year we open up some of the more restricted caves, and we take people deep into the caves to explore. We check them all out in advance, of course, to ensure safety, but this is the one and only opportunity a year to get into some of these caves and explore deeper into the mountain. This is another one I tend to lead, and it’s great fun, but it’s also got a lot of hands on deck and on standby just in case. A lot of prep goes into this one and honestly, it’s probably my favourite event to host! There’s hidden waterfalls, glittering caves, and this is the only way you’ll see some Pokemon like Noibats, Noiverns, and some elusive Ghost and Dark Types.

Winter Harvest - We do this one a few times throughout the winter. Winter Harvest is when we take what we’ve been growing in the Greenhouses and the public can come help us make food packages that we donate to Pokemon shelters, and to families in need. This one usually has a big turnout and it’s a great environment all around; just people helping each other and drinking hot chocolate. I participate every year, and help with the deliveries along with staff and volunteers. 

Besides those, we also host regular adoption events. People can come through anytime to see if they’d like to adopt any of the Pokemon we hold here, though we do have fairs on a regular basis to promote the facility’s adoption services. 

You can also find some courses here- we offer them to anybody looking to learn, no age limit (just a minimum; 16), but they can be very helpful when applying for certain lines of work. I also offer referrals and letters of recommendation as a professor, and the staff are also qualified to do the same as medical experts and behaviouralists.

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FAQ

Q: What kind of questions can I ask?

A: Anything and everything! I’ll always answer to the best of my ability, be it behaviour, medical, or just you wanting my thoughts on a certain species or concept. I’ll always be sure to be clear when my answers are uncertain, theoretical, or if I just don’t know. But anything you want to ask, ask away!

Q: Can I come to you for medical advice?

A: Within the Pokemon world? Absolutely! If you’re looking for real-life medical advice from the author of this blog, who is an arts student who works part-time retail, you are not going to find anything helpful!

Q: Why is my question taking a while to get answered?

A: I (both myself and Arthur) get very busy! I check this blog whenever I can, but I don’t always answer right away because my answers require time for me to sit down and think it out. I answer every ask I receive (unless it’s really weirdly personal or if there’s clearly something really bad about it- then it’ll be deleted) and I do so as quickly as I can, but I pride myself on quality answers, so it might take me a bit!

Q: Do you hand out starter Pokemon?

A: Not in the way you think! We do adopt Pokemon out, but we’re not like, say Professor Oak. Adopting a Pokemon out here, even to a child, involves a screening process of the adopter (anyone over 18 and if younger than 18, their legal guardian(s)), and a lot of paperwork. We have to make sure everything is going to work out, after all! But we don’t just hand a new trainer a Pokemon, no.

Q: Can I leave my Pokemon there for a short while?

A: Absolutely! We don’t have a designated daycare area, but we will ensure your Pokemon gets the best care and stays in the area best suited to them. Feel free to leave them with us, but we do ask that it not be long, so try to come get them within 10 days unless you give us notice it will be a longer period. While you’re away, your Pokemon will be allowed to roam (with supervision) in any area that best suits it, and I’ll personally assure you that staff are more than happy to keep our Pokemon guests company, haha :)

[paramedicsuicide]

First responder suicide -- PTSD, or something else?

Its 1:30am. I sit on my computer in complete darkness, having just slept for the past 10 hours. As a Paramedic in a suburb of a relatively small US city, I work 12 hours shifts for 4 straight days. I get 4 days off to recuperate after that, and at this point in my career those days are essential for my survival. Many of my co-workers are not lucky enough to be able to stop at just 4 days, and must work additional overtime shifts in order to make ends meet. The private EMS industry has relatively low wages nationwide. We are the "red headed step child" of emergency services, often hiding in the shadows of police officers, firefighters, and nurses. There is no such thing as a "typical" shift when working in EMS. There are the occasional shifts where I will sit in the parking lot of the local convenience store chain for 12 straight hours without picking up a single patient. The glow of my cell phone screen illuminating my face for each passing person to see the life draining out of my body. The boredom sets in after hour 2.  My legs and butt hurt. I am hungry, but I can't tell if its true hunger or just my body telling me to get up and move. I decide to walk inside to browse the aisles of colorful treats, getting nauseous at the thought of eating "lunch" out of a gas station at midnight for the 3rd day in a row. Despite my disgust, I walk outside with 2,000 or more calories of junk food at a time in an attempt to eat myself to death. "Ill be diabetic by the end of the week" I say to my partner as I open my fudge dipped granola bar. As the career of a first responder goes on, most quickly start to pack on the pounds like a bear preparing for winter. Company policy prevents you from sleeping during your shift, so your food (if you can call it that) is washed down with 16oz of your favorite energy drink to keep you awake and ready to pick grandma up off the floor when she attempts her 2am bathroom run. I have palpitations from all the caffeine. Hopefully one day those PVC's turn into an arrhythmia and the lord takes me. "Anything to get out of this job" I say, as I polish off my second monster of the night.  Morning rolls around. 50mg of benadryl will help me fall asleep after drinking energy drinks all night long. I have severe shift sleep disorder. I am depressed. I just want to sleep. I wake up ready to go after just 4 hours of sleep. Great. Another night of pounding monsters. I punch in 15 minutes early for my next shift and am assigned a call before I am even scheduled to start. I am the only ambulance available in the surrounding 15 square miles of suburbia, and that trend will continue for the next 12 hours. Call after call, I don't have time to finish my paperwork before being sent on the next run. Its 11pm and dispatch calls my unit number for the 5th time today-- "With the fire department for a 1 year old post choking". I have taken 50 calls of the same nature before and say out loud-- "Great, another bullshit call". Every day, nervous parents call 911 over the slightest cough or sniffle which eventually numbs you to the potential of a true pediatric emergency. Its never a real emergency. Until it is. Rolling up on scene after the fire department, I grab my house bag and begin to waddle towards the low income apartment building for the third time this week. I think -- "I should have brought the tablet for a signature so I don't have to walk back outside". Suddenly, a firefighter rounds the corner carrying a limp child like he is holding an offering platter. "That's not good" I blurt out , going from zero to 100 in the snap of a finger. The firefighter tells me the child was eating chicken and rice when he began to choke.  As my partner digs out the pediatric bag valve mask that has been sitting unused in the house bag for an unknown number of years, I set up the suction, only to find an unresponsive, apneic child with a clenched jaw. "That doesn't make sense" I think to myself as I try to peel apart his tiny jaw without any luck. Thank god-- he has a gap in his front tooth that fits a small, 12fr suction catheter. I start to go through the motions. Is he seizing? Nope. Any trauma visible or reported? No. Mom was asked again-- and again says the child was sitting up, eating, and suddenly started choking. What is going on here? With little to be done on scene, I rush to the small local hospital, nervous that the next squeeze of the bag could lodge a piece of food in this kids airway. I am getting good air exchange but his spo2 isn’t amazing. He must have aspirated. Great news. He is now moving his arms, and his eyes just opened. Wait, why is his jaw still clenched? That's not great news. This kid hasn't made a noise. What the fuck is going on. As I roll the stretcher into the small emergency room closest to the scene, I am greeted with that dreaded sentence from the ER Physician-- "why did you bring him here and not children's hospital".  I bite my tongue-- its not the time to have that fight. The kid is now posturing. A few minutes go by and the doctor asks me to get my laryngoscope because the emergency room is not currently stocked with the proper pediatric equipment. Maybe he was right. The thoughts start rushing through my head-- "they are going to kill this kid. I should have just risked it and bypassed. It was only an extra 7 minutes or so further". As I sit there and wait for the next order, new thoughts take over. "Someone shook this kid. There is no other explanation".  Hypertensive, bradycardic, posturing. But mom said he was choking on rice? Where would she get that from? Hmm. She doesn't seem as concerned as a mother should be. She answers a text message while being questioned by the police.  She has yet to ask anyone how her son is doing. The texts start to come in to my phone. "Are you ok?". "I hear you had a bad call. You guys ok?" "WTF was that all about?". I am fine. Any provider who plans to have a lengthy career has to distance themselves from their patients. I can think back to every "bad" call I've taken, and never once have I been able to recall processing a patients face. Its not important. What they look like is irrelevant to my job. Its the circle of life. Some people live, some people die. Its my job to try and make that circle a little bit bigger if I can. Sometimes you are successful, sometimes you aren't. You have to come to terms with that early on. Minutes after calling in service from restocking, the radio chimes my unit number again. "Cold response to the fitness center for a hand laceration". I arrive on scene to find a psych standing out front in his blue paper clothes, clearly having been to an emergency room at least once today. “Hop on in buddy-- take a seat” I say as I shake my head. We drive him 3 blocks down the street to the same emergency room we left just a couple hours prior. I am not greeted like one would expect. Not with "Hello", not with "whats the chief complaint". I am greeted with a sentence that is never good news. "Did you hear?". Our child from earlier had been emergently transferred 6 miles away to the childrens hospital by a specialty transport team. The news from them was not good. "That kid -- he has a brain bleed". My suspicions were confirmed. He was never choking. Someone hurt this kid and tried to cover it up. I know how to handle this, because its not even the first time this situation has happened to me. People hurt kids often enough that I am not even shocked. Stories like this don't make the news *for a reason*. People cant handle stuff like this. No one needs to know that savages live in apartment 3. Some people have to know though. WE have to know. Its not OK. I talk about suicide often. My previous partner was a veteran and has PTSD from being deployed overseas. He has had many friends commit suicide after returning from war, and was concerned about my mental health. That should concern me. He would ask me once a week-- "Are you sure you are ok?".  My little comments here and there come off as jokes to most people. "Id rather die than come into work tonight". "Pull out in front of this semi truck-- we wont feel a thing I promise". "Stage for police? Fuck that. I hope I get shot". In reality, its not a joke. I am not suicidal at this point in my life-- I am apathetic about living. I'm not going to take my own life, but I am definitely not excited when I wake up each morning. This feeling has slowly crept up on me over my almost 10 year career as a paramedic. I tell myself daily that I need to get out before its too late. What will be the breaking point where I become truly suicidal?  I have to answer one question before I leave. "Where will I go?"   I am burnt out. Everyone says "go to nursing school", but the passion-- the fire inside that makes you want to help people has been extinguished for years. Where can you go at 30+ years old with a paramedic certification and no useful degree. I have made financial commitments at my age that makes starting from scratch somewhere at entry level wages an impossibility. What can I do? Where can I go? I am stuck. This job is like quick sand, and I'm up to my shoulders. If I struggle much more it will be above my head. We get to see what goes on behind the curtains of society. How much would you enjoy a magic show if you knew how the magic was performed? That is what life is like for many first responders. Members of the general public get to wear blinders during their day to day lives. There are people who post rants to facebook if the garbage man didn't put their garbage can back in the correct spot. A terrible day for a typical person is a flat tire on the way home from work. They have no idea what happens in their town or city on a day to day basis. They have NO IDEA that 3 doors down, a husband beat the shit out of his wife for the 4rd time this year and she wont tell the police what happened. They have NO IDEA that people call an ambulance from the parking lot of an emergency room because they don't want to wait in the waiting room.  They have NO IDEA that someone in apartment 3 just hurt their baby and tried to cover it up. But we know. We see it all. I have talked with a lot of people who have similar feelings. Its due to me being so open about my apathy towards life. People who I see every day, smiling at their coworkers and telling war stories and laughing. You would never guess these people were at the end of their ropes-- fighting off their own demons. "Make sure they have bagpipes at my funeral". I don't try and talk these people down because they don't want help. How could I help anyways? You cant just "un-know" the things we know. These people just feel comfort in the fact that they aren't alone. I have been lucky that none of these people have taken their lives yet. I know the day is coming. Its been a long time since a co-worker has committed suicide, and the statistics say we are over-due. How will I handle it?

[bnymedic]

First responder suicide – PTSD, or something else?

Its 1:30am. I sit on my computer in complete darkness, having just slept for the past 10 hours. As a Paramedic in a suburb of a relatively small US city, I work 12 hours shifts for 4 straight days. I get 4 days off to recuperate after that, and at this point in my career those days are essential for my survival. Many of my co-workers are not lucky enough to be able to stop at just 4 days, and must work additional overtime shifts in order to make ends meet. The private EMS industry has relatively low wages nationwide. We are the “red headed step child” of emergency services, often hiding in the shadows of police officers, firefighters, and nurses. There is no such thing as a “typical” shift when working in EMS. There are the occasional shifts where I will sit in the parking lot of the local convenience store chain for 12 straight hours without picking up a single patient. The glow of my cell phone screen illuminating my face for each passing person to see the life draining out of my body. The boredom sets in after hour 2.  My legs and butt hurt. I am hungry, but I can’t tell if its true hunger or just my body telling me to get up and move. I decide to walk inside to browse the aisles of colorful treats, getting nauseous at the thought of eating “lunch” out of a gas station at midnight for the 3rd day in a row. Despite my disgust, I walk outside with 2,000 or more calories of junk food at a time in an attempt to eat myself to death. “Ill be diabetic by the end of the week” I say to my partner as I open my fudge dipped granola bar. As the career of a first responder goes on, most quickly start to pack on the pounds like a bear preparing for winter. Company policy prevents you from sleeping during your shift, so your food (if you can call it that) is washed down with 16oz of your favorite energy drink to keep you awake and ready to pick grandma up off the floor when she attempts her 2am bathroom run. I have palpitations from all the caffeine. Hopefully one day those PVC’s turn into an arrhythmia and the lord takes me. “Anything to get out of this job” I say, as I polish off my second monster of the night.  Morning rolls around. 50mg of benadryl will help me fall asleep after drinking energy drinks all night long. I have severe shift sleep disorder. I am depressed. I just want to sleep. I wake up ready to go after just 4 hours of sleep. Great. Another night of pounding monsters. I punch in 15 minutes early for my next shift and am assigned a call before I am even scheduled to start. I am the only ambulance available in the surrounding 15 square miles of suburbia, and that trend will continue for the next 12 hours. Call after call, I don’t have time to finish my paperwork before being sent on the next run. Its 11pm and dispatch calls my unit number for the 5th time today– “With the fire department for a 1 year old post choking”. I have taken 50 calls of the same nature before and say out loud– “Great, another bullshit call”. Every day, nervous parents call 911 over the slightest cough or sniffle which eventually numbs you to the potential of a true pediatric emergency. Its never a real emergency. Until it is. Rolling up on scene after the fire department, I grab my house bag and begin to waddle towards the low income apartment building for the third time this week. I think – “I should have brought the tablet for a signature so I don’t have to walk back outside”. Suddenly, a firefighter rounds the corner carrying a limp child like he is holding an offering platter. “That’s not good” I blurt out , going from zero to 100 in the snap of a finger. The firefighter tells me the child was eating chicken and rice when he began to choke.  As my partner digs out the pediatric bag valve mask that has been sitting unused in the house bag for an unknown number of years, I set up the suction, only to find an unresponsive, apneic child with a clenched jaw. “That doesn’t make sense” I think to myself as I try to peel apart his tiny jaw without any luck. Thank god– he has a gap in his front tooth that fits a small, 12fr suction catheter. I start to go through the motions. Is he seizing? Nope. Any trauma visible or reported? No. Mom was asked again– and again says the child was sitting up, eating, and suddenly started choking. What is going on here? With little to be done on scene, I rush to the small local hospital, nervous that the next squeeze of the bag could lodge a piece of food in this kids airway. I am getting good air exchange but his spo2 isn’t amazing. He must have aspirated. Great news. He is now moving his arms, and his eyes just opened. Wait, why is his jaw still clenched? That’s not great news. This kid hasn’t made a noise. What the fuck is going on. As I roll the stretcher into the small emergency room closest to the scene, I am greeted with that dreaded sentence from the ER Physician– “why did you bring him here and not children’s hospital”.  I bite my tongue– its not the time to have that fight. The kid is now posturing. A few minutes go by and the doctor asks me to get my laryngoscope because the emergency room is not currently stocked with the proper pediatric equipment. Maybe he was right. The thoughts start rushing through my head– “they are going to kill this kid. I should have just risked it and bypassed. It was only an extra 7 minutes or so further”. As I sit there and wait for the next order, new thoughts take over. “Someone shook this kid. There is no other explanation”.  Hypertensive, bradycardic, posturing. But mom said he was choking on rice? Where would she get that from? Hmm. She doesn’t seem as concerned as a mother should be. She answers a text message while being questioned by the police.  She has yet to ask anyone how her son is doing. The texts start to come in to my phone. “Are you ok?”. “I hear you had a bad call. You guys ok?” “WTF was that all about?”. I am fine. Any provider who plans to have a lengthy career has to distance themselves from their patients. I can think back to every “bad” call I’ve taken, and never once have I been able to recall processing a patients face. Its not important. What they look like is irrelevant to my job. Its the circle of life. Some people live, some people die. Its my job to try and make that circle a little bit bigger if I can. Sometimes you are successful, sometimes you aren’t. You have to come to terms with that early on. Minutes after calling in service from restocking, the radio chimes my unit number again. “Cold response to the fitness center for a hand laceration”. I arrive on scene to find a psych standing out front in his blue paper clothes, clearly having been to an emergency room at least once today. “Hop on in buddy– take a seat” I say as I shake my head. We drive him 3 blocks down the street to the same emergency room we left just a couple hours prior. I am not greeted like one would expect. Not with “Hello”, not with “whats the chief complaint”. I am greeted with a sentence that is never good news. “Did you hear?”. Our child from earlier had been emergently transferred 6 miles away to the childrens hospital by a specialty transport team. The news from them was not good. “That kid – he has a brain bleed”. My suspicions were confirmed. He was never choking. Someone hurt this kid and tried to cover it up. I know how to handle this, because its not even the first time this situation has happened to me. People hurt kids often enough that I am not even shocked. Stories like this don’t make the news *for a reason*. People cant handle stuff like this. No one needs to know that savages live in apartment 3. Some people have to know though. WE have to know. Its not OK. I talk about suicide often. My previous partner was a veteran and has PTSD from being deployed overseas. He has had many friends commit suicide after returning from war, and was concerned about my mental health. That should concern me. He would ask me once a week– “Are you sure you are ok?”.  My little comments here and there come off as jokes to most people. “Id rather die than come into work tonight”. “Pull out in front of this semi truck– we wont feel a thing I promise”. “Stage for police? Fuck that. I hope I get shot”. In reality, its not a joke. I am not suicidal at this point in my life– I am apathetic about living. I’m not going to take my own life, but I am definitely not excited when I wake up each morning. This feeling has slowly crept up on me over my almost 10 year career as a paramedic. I tell myself daily that I need to get out before its too late. What will be the breaking point where I become truly suicidal?  I have to answer one question before I leave. “Where will I go?”   I am burnt out. Everyone says “go to nursing school”, but the passion– the fire inside that makes you want to help people has been extinguished for years. Where can you go at 30+ years old with a paramedic certification and no useful degree. I have made financial commitments at my age that makes starting from scratch somewhere at entry level wages an impossibility. What can I do? Where can I go? I am stuck. This job is like quick sand, and I’m up to my shoulders. If I struggle much more it will be above my head. We get to see what goes on behind the curtains of society. How much would you enjoy a magic show if you knew how the magic was performed? That is what life is like for many first responders. Members of the general public get to wear blinders during their day to day lives. There are people who post rants to facebook if the garbage man didn’t put their garbage can back in the correct spot. A terrible day for a typical person is a flat tire on the way home from work. They have no idea what happens in their town or city on a day to day basis. They have NO IDEA that 3 doors down, a husband beat the shit out of his wife for the 4rd time this year and she wont tell the police what happened. They have NO IDEA that people call an ambulance from the parking lot of an emergency room because they don’t want to wait in the waiting room.  They have NO IDEA that someone in apartment 3 just hurt their baby and tried to cover it up. But we know. We see it all. I have talked with a lot of people who have similar feelings. Its due to me being so open about my apathy towards life. People who I see every day, smiling at their coworkers and telling war stories and laughing. You would never guess these people were at the end of their ropes– fighting off their own demons. “Make sure they have bagpipes at my funeral”. I don’t try and talk these people down because they don’t want help. How could I help anyways? You cant just “un-know” the things we know. These people just feel comfort in the fact that they aren’t alone. I have been lucky that none of these people have taken their lives yet. I know the day is coming. Its been a long time since a co-worker has committed suicide, and the statistics say we are over-due. How will I handle it?