#I even got the family violence and everything dropped to just assault holy shit lmao

[lotusthekat]

Equivalent Exchange

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Rating: T

Relationships: Alphonse & Edward

Characters: Alphonse Elric, original minor characters, Edward Elric

Summary: Alphonse realizes he's no longer immortal in the most painful way.

*Slightly canon divergent as in that Ed keeps his automail

Word count: 1.649

AO3 / Fanfiction

A/N: I had this idea at literally 5 AM last night lmao. Basically I love Alphonse with my whole heart, and tbh I’m pretty sure he’d develop a huge guilt/hero complex after everything he went through.

I’m still new to this fandom, though, so I apologize if anyone is OOC. Hope you enjoy it!

(There might be some medical inaccuracies here though.)

TRIGGER WARNINGS - minor violence, major character injury, blood, near death experience, swearing and implied child abuse

Please do NOT ship the Elric brothers.

--

Alphonse can barely register anything at this point.

He’s running after the man pulling a little girl with him. Al’s legs move in spite of the unbearable, bleeding pain in his abdomen. The boy pushes past people who are barely interested in what’s happening.

Al screams after the man. The little girl is crying and trying to escape, but the man refuses to let her go. Al runs, but his body won’t resist for too long; he knows it, but he doesn’t stop.

His head is dizzy and heavy, and everything around him darkens. Al yells again, only it’s weakened. His legs don’t cooperate with him any longer and he almost trips, if not for the wall beside him. Al is panting, as sweat drops roll down his head. The man and the little girl are almost disappearing from his vision.

No, don’t stop! Go after them, you idiot!

His willpower isn’t enough to force his body to move. Al is soon on the ground, blood dripping on the pale sidewalk. People are whispering around him. They don’t approach.

All the boy hears, though, is the weight of his failure.

It’s what eventually makes him collapse.

--

The headache from the blazing light forces his eyes to open.

Then Al is, once again, in a hospital room. Except it’s a lot smaller, considering he’s not in the Central anymore. It might be the closest first aid post in his hometown, if he’s not mistaken.

The doctor speaks to him, explaining Al was stabbed, but that it’s not a huge cause of concern. He hasn’t lost too much blood, though it might hurt every now and then, so Al only needs to rest and not move a lot – specifically not run while with a stab wound, he lightly scolds.

Since Al is quite well-known from his time as an alchemist with Ed, the doctor doesn’t ask him who he is and tells him that they called his brother just now. Ed should be arriving soon.

Al nods again. He doesn’t say anything at all.

The doctor leaves him be, the room as quiet as the patient inside. Al’s hand reaches his bandaged stomach, lightly touching the cloth. Al doesn’t mind the pain from the wound. Not as much as the little girl’s horrified look is ingrained in his brain.

Al recalls what happened. He was doing groceries on his own – aside from wanting to take a walk in town, to breathe the air and feel the soft breeze. He would then go back home and have lunch with his brother and Granny Pinako, while Winry is back in Rush Valley. Al has been walking well as of late, so Ed wasn’t too insistent to come along.

It wasn’t supposed to go this wrong.

On the way, Al heard a little girl crying in an alley. She was so scared, and he tried to talk to her. Like that, the punch right to his face was really far from expected.

As it turned out, it was a middle-aged man that had assaulted him, and he grabbed the little girl’s arm with force. She was crying louder. He’s not sure now if he was her father, but it was still definitely infuriating.

Despite the pain, Al demanded he left her alone – and it only enraged the man more when he saw his face. Apparently, he’d once been under the military, and King Bradley’s fall disbanded many soldiers and officers. He also knew who Al was, so he despised him for “meddling in things that were none of his business”.

Al is no stranger to a fight, obviously. The problem is, he’s not a suit of armor anymore. That shouldn’t be a problem, of course, because he’s glad to be human again.

But being a human doesn’t absolve him of the hard and heartless punches he got, nor did it defend him from a stab right through his stomach. And worse, it was far from helpful to save the little girl.

And then Al was running after them, screaming, struggling to reach out to the small girl. He knew she was in danger, and he couldn’t let the man get away with her.

But Al is no longer immortal. He has no infinite stamina, and his body cannot take the same blows he did in the past. So, the stab wound was enough to knock him down. He couldn’t do anything to save her.

All he could do now, is to be stuck here hearing her cry from afar.

Al’s hands clutch the hospital clothes, inhaling and shutting his eyes fiercely.

…

Though, not going to lie, the loud running steps and a door opening wide do alarm him. But he’s quick to realize that his brother has arrived.

“Al!” Ed yells, rushing to his bed. “Al, are you okay?!”

“I’m fine, brother,” Al replies numbly. “It’s nothing to be concerned about. The doctor said I just need to rest for a while before I can go home.”

Ed exhales. “Holy shit, Al,” he curses under his breath, clutching one of his blond bangs with his hand. “Care to tell me what the hell happened?”

Al doesn’t face him. He doesn’t think he can.

“Al,” Ed insists, clearly impatient, “they told me you ran after the guy while you were losing blood. Do you have any idea how reckless that was?!”

“As if you can tell me off for being reckless,” Al mumbles.

Obviously, it annoys Ed even more. “This is different, Alphonse! You’re not immortal anymore! You’re not invincible and you could actually die with no going back!”

“You think I don’t know that?” Al raises his voice.

“Then WHY did you do it?!”

Al has had it. “Because I needed to save the little girl, Ed!”

Ed is thrown off by the sincere, frustrated statement. “Little girl?” He asks, not sounding as angry as before.

“The man, he”— Al swallows a lump —“he had this little girl with him… I found her in an alley, and she was terrified. I wanted to help her but then he hit me. And when he realized who I was, he punched me and stabbed me; and then he ran away with her.”

The girl’s face is in his memory, her eyes wide, hurt, scared. His arms shake.

“All I could think, was that I had to save her,” Al explains. “I-I had to, Ed. B-But I couldn’t protect her. I collapsed and he got away.”

His brother’s presence is no longer loud. Ed’s expression is sympathetic and sorrowful. Al lowers his head, shame weighing onto him.

Ed approaches him and puts both hands on Al’s shoulders. “Oh, Al… I’m so sorry.”

Al can’t help but flinch at the metal touching his skin. Ed’s automail is cold and hard against his fragile human body. Ed couldn’t quite get his body parts back, but it’s something he doesn’t mind.

Al refuses to look up still.

“Brother,” Al opens his mouth before realizing. “Please don’t take this the wrong way. I am more than grateful for getting my body back, and I would never reverse it. But…” The sniff that comes from him sounds child-like. “I know people are still out there to hurt others. To hurt us. But how can I protect them? H-How…” he hiccups, “h-how will I protect you, when I’m this useless?”

Ed’s hands still. “Alphonse…”

Al hides his face, unable to deal with this shame. He’s really useless to others. He can’t do anything, because he’ll definitely die, and people will get hurt because of him.

He knows everything is an exchange. Al might not be an alchemist anymore, but life is still based around it. In order to get his body back, Al gave up his immortality to grow up with his brother and his friends. He gave it up so he could be able to hug Ed again. So he could sleep and eat, and breathe. But when Al needs that strength again, he does not have it. He cannot save others. Like he couldn’t save a girl right in front of him.

What if people go after his family? What if they get to his brother? What will Al do?

Al’s endless guilt is quieted a little, however, once he’s pulled in a hug, his head lying against Ed’s chest. His older brother holds him tight around his shoulders, whilst he smooths Al’s short, blond hair.

“Al,” Ed speaks to him softly but firmly, “you’re the strongest person I know – with or without the armor. But you don’t need to risk your life to save us like you did before.”

“But she needed help, Ed,” Al sobs, “s-she needed…”

Ed sighs and hugs him closer. “I know. I’m sorry.”

They don’t let go for maybe an eternity. It takes a few more hours before Al is free to go. He can walk just fine, but he can’t run for his life again. In the meanwhile, Ed has his arm around the younger’s shoulders, watching everyone passing by like a hawk.

Al is far from feeling better. He doesn’t think he’ll recover from it, even if his brother might be right. At least Ed welcomes his grief, as they still think of past lives they lost in their journey.

The younger Elric remains silent. Ed doesn’t try to make him talk. He does get to reassure him with his presence and soft words.

“I’m going to take care of you now, okay?” Ed tells him. “You don’t need to fight anymore.”

Although Al is around the same height as Ed, he feels small as he hides his face in his older brother’s shoulder, like a child seeking for protection. His lip quivers and the tears fall silently. It might seem a little pathetic, but Al doesn’t pull his face away; and Ed squeezes him as well, kissing the top of his head.

[taebadam]

hello! i have had the privilege to see jagged little pill twice now and first of all: words cannot truly explain how amazing this show was. just. wow. but i remember when i was first getting into the show i searched desperately for descriptions of staging, choreography, etc. so here’s a (probably way too detailed lmao i’m sorry) synopsis of the show. MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. seriously. im about to tell you literally everything i remember so retreat now if that’s not what you want. ok here we go. oh boy. (also i’ll be using actor’s names for ensemble members who don’t have character names and then character names otherwise)

CONTENT WARNINGS: sexual assault, homophobia, racism, sexism, addiction and overdose

here’s act 1:

ok i loved the whole thing for sure but honest to god one of my fav bits is the first minute of the show. the STAGING. so as the lights come up and the overture starts we see a mostly still dark stage with all the ensemble members facing backward w a spotlight on yana (my love wow) in the center. she’s the first to turn around as she delivers the opening line: “swallow it down.” the rest of the ensemble begins to join in and turn around one by one starting w ezra (!!!! i love ez so much they are the best you cannot convince me otherwise) and the build begins. they move in closer to yana, chanting “around and around” and then all come in with “WAKE UPPPP” and they all bend down in this beautiful moment where the bass just. drops. and then in comes the band holy SHIT. so the band is on these really cool moving platforms that come in from the wings and as the bass drops and the ensemble starts jamming out they come on stage and it’s just truly incredible. they sing some of the overture like this w stunning choreography and then as you oughta know’s theme comes in jo runs in and joins the ensemble but it’s really slick you don’t really notice at first until the second part of the chorus when she breaks away and comes center stage, singing on top of the ensemble as they start to break apart behind her and pull out these stunning moving panels that are like 15 feet tall w projections on them. jo runs back through the panels right before they meet in the middle and close behind her revealing the words “jagged little pill” as the overture comes to a close.

the panels now open up and reveal a couch with all four healys sitting on it w santa hats and reindeer antlers galore, posing for a christmas card photo and yelling “merry christmas from the healys!” we have mj, the mom, steve, the dad, nick the perfect son and frankie the adopted, black daughter. mj then goes on with her monologue about how great their lives are while they all sit there with frighteningly fake smiles pasted on their faces while the ensemble plays carolers behind them. soon the stage morphs to show us steve’s office on one side of the healy living room and frankie’s room on the other as mj begins to write in the card about her perfect little family. she discusses steve’s new position as partner (while he chugs a bottle of pepto-bismol), nick’s acceptance to harvard (they recreate the moment he opens the email) and then finally frankie and her best friend jo. as mj talks about frankie and jo she mentions how they’re upstairs right now doing a ��little craft project” and off to the side you see them working on a sign that says “FUCK FASCISM” which jo holds up w pride. then (lmao) mj talks about frankie’s friendship w jo and how she loves “female friendships” and how she remembers “the days of discussing clothes and boys” and meanwhile to her left frankie and jo are literally just full on making out in her room clearly romantically involved and it’s just so fucking hilarious.

then mj begins to discuss her car accident from the previous year and how she’s battling it w “natural remedies.” meanwhile, the ensemble, truly the conscious of the show, sings right through you while looking on from behind her. she begins to discuss her hot yoga and the stage begins to turn red, the music growing as we see all four healys in their own sections of the stage, each acting like everything is fine but doing something that shows its not (like nick is always doing push-ups. rip derek honestly lmao) as the song comes to a close.

we now transition to the breakfast table where mj is setting out pancakes. steve tries to kiss her but she pulls away, saying she’s “not a big morning kisser.” they talk for a bit, including the iconic exchange between mj and frankie: “when my friends and i wanted to save endangered sea lions we sold brownies on the quad. well, actually they were blondies” “of course they were blondies. even your brownies are caucasian.” aaaaand that line kicks off all i really want. such a powerful song. frankie stands up on the table and the band and ensemble come back in, just completely rocking out and blowing us all away w their choreography and energy as they surround the family, dancing around, on top and under the table. in the build-up to and then during frankie’s line “i’m frustrated by your apathy” the ensemble surrounds her with various protest signs. i can’t remember all of them but some highlights include “our future is dying,” “black joy matters,” “my body my choice,” “don’t be a fossil fool,” “white silence costs lives,” “no human is illegal,” “stop separating families” and “no ban on stolen land” while frankie carries one that says “does my period scare you.” it’s stunning. fast forward now to the “why are you petrified of silence? here can you handle this?” line. wow. frankie stands on the table, staring down mj in front of her and holds up a sign that says “fear has no place in our schools.” the ensemble all lays down in front of her w their arms crossed over their chests like they’re corpses and the screens behind her show projections of memorials for victims of gun violence in schools. the whole theater is silent for a solid thirty seconds. incredible. then they continue. another heart-wrenching moment is when it gets quiet before the final climax of the song and frankie goes “and all i really want is a wavelength.” she’s reaching out across the kitchen table to mj, who’s looking away from her at nick. mj’s arm rests on the table and as soon as frankie’s about to touch her hand mj moves to touch her own face, still looking the other way, not even realizing what frankie was doing. and their last belts. wow. mj and frankie are center stage, yelling at each other as they scream the final lines before frankie stomps off to go to school and mj is left alone in the kitchen where she swallows a pill— her pain meds for her car accident injuries.

a brief side note: let’s talk about the ensemble real quick. first of all they had input in a lot of their outfits and my fav is ezra’s which has a huge pink triangle on the back (they’re trans). i mean. wow. but also what’s important to know is that a lot of the main cast have sort of dancer body doubles? they have dancers who are supposed to represent them, be their alter egos and this comes into play a lot in the choreography and staging. mj’s double is heather, frankie’s double is ebony and jo’s double is ezra. i bring this up here because when frankie sings “i am fascinated by the spirit to a woman. i’m humbled by her humble nature” the ensemble lifts up ebony behind her and spins her around while frankie takes the same pose on the floor in front of them. absolutely genius.

and now we’re at school! we see bella, nick and andrew briefly discussing the party that will be happening tonight and then we zero in on jo (played my lauren patten my actual favorite human on this earth holy shit) and frankie, hanging out during what’s supposed to be a meeting for SMAC (social movement and advocacy committee) which frankie started— but rn they’re the only two members (also jo came in w a sign that says “let my people flow” and a picture of a pad because they were planning on protesting for the school to provide free menstrual products). jo and frankie have a sweet conversation featuring some hilarious comments from jo. frankie complains about her mom and jo responds “your mom is iconic. she’s one salad away from a psychotic break i live for it” then “at least your mom yells at you. mine prays for me. dear jesus. please don’t let my only child be a gay. especially not one of those obvious gays who wears performance fleece and utility sandals. in the name of fox news amen.” frankie is immediately concerned for jo and, for just a second, we see jo’s vulnerability and we know she must be really hurting but just as quickly she brushes it off: “i don’t care. i’ve been out of fucks to give since the early 2000’s.” really just phenomenal acting from lauren. wow. and now we have hand in my pocket! such a wonderful song. most of it is fun and uplifting (including a cute kiss between jo and frankie) but there was one part that really stood out to me. when jo sings “i haven’t got it all figured out just yet” she kinda stops for a moment and her face falls just slightly and frankie stands behind her, concerned, as the ensemble members dancing behind them all pair up and hug one another (including jo and frankie’s doubles: ezra and ebony). but just like that jo is back to singing and dancing and laughing, hiding her pain and uncertainty. at the end they do this adorable slap dance thing with the ensemble around them and everyone’s cheering and the lights are rainbow (yup thats gay) and it’s just so wholesome i love it.

now we go back to mj. we see her at the pharmacist’s office, trying to get a refill for her painkillers but being denied as she’s out. she then goes to a cafe where she runs into some other moms (laurel, jane and heather) and it’s hilarious. they’re all wearing the exact same outfits and sound so so fake. at one point ebony who is playing the barista asks if she can start a drink for anyone and one of them goes “i’ll take a skinny flat white” and ebony goes “how appropriate.” mj is clearly uncomfortable this whole time, especially when one of them makes a racist comment about frankie. after this she goes behind the cafe where she meets up w a drug dealer (played by john) and gets more of her painkillers. now comes smiling. this song is stunning. the whole song we see mj’s day moving backwards, all the way back to the morning when she took her first pill and she stares at herself in the mirror, clearly struggling. the whole song she and the ensemble all actually act everything out backwards, featuring ezra jump-roping backwards and antonio walking backwards while drinking coffee. true talent honestly lmao. and they move the sets so smoothly it’s amazing.

ironic!! so cute. so funny. the context is that frankie is reciting a poem to her class and they’re critiquing it but phoenix defends her. the desks are on wheels and the choreography is adorable. and frankie and phoenix’s voices WOW. and heather plays a stoner high schooler. this is not important it’s just so funny. after ironic there’s a moment in the hall where frankie and phoenix are still talking and so clearly flirting. jo walks up behind them but only sees frankie (on one side of the stage) at first. she starts to move towards her but then notices she’s talking to someone and gets a glimpse of her flirting w phoenix. jo’s face falls and she kind of falters, trying to decide whether to walk up to them and ultimately decides not to and walks off. lauren patten’s mannerisms in this whole show are just truly stunning. i really felt for jo everytime she was on stage. she’s so clearly putting up this sarcastic, uncaring front but really she’s just awkward and scared and lonely and lauren really does a phenomenal job making that come through— down to the fidgeting and awkward steps and nervous ticks that, once you notice them, make it clear who jo really is even though she doesn’t want to show it. yes i love lauren patten is it that obvious.

oK ANYWAY. back to mj. we see steve call to say he’s gonna be home late and they have a v passive aggressive conversation and then so unsexy happens. rip steve honestly. then perfect. mj and nick are decorating the tree. there’s a great line where mj goes “you need to make decisions for yourself” and he tries to put an ornament on the tree and she goes “no not there” and it’s so funny. but she just keeps going on about how he’s the only thing she’s done right and how proud she is of him. he asks “what if i hadn’t gotten in” re harvard and she goes ”you were always going to get in.”a couple of sympathetic sighs from the audience. then nick sings perfect and it’s honestly heartbreaking he’s so good and you feel so bad for him, always terrified that if he ever messes up his parents won’t love him anymore. that transitions right into lancer’s party.

here’s the thing about lancer’s party. this is the party where bella is sexually assaulted by andrew, kicking off her powerful storyline as a survivor and nick’s storyline about coming to terms w why he didn’t do anything at the time. but here’s why it’s so chilling, if that wasn’t enough: bella and andrew’s interactions at the party are not emphasized. in fact, if you didn’t know about the plot beforehand, you may not really notice anything at all. but it’s there. oh wow is it there. EVERY SINGLE TIME bella has anything to drink, andrew is the one to give it to her. she goes to talk to her friends and andrew grabs her hand and casually pulls her away. he puts his hand on her waist a little too often. he tries to get her alone one too many times. he barely leaves her side. but if you’re not looking for it, you may only see one of these just slightly ~off~ actions and think “hm that’s a little weird” and then move on. they’re not always center stage. they’re not always in a spotlight. they’re just part of the party. and we as audience members don’t stop to pay attention to them, even if we see something off. we’re not urged by staging to see it as important or vital to the story. and we don’t notice anything until it’s too late. the show puts us in the position of a bystander, like nick, who sees this all happening and does nothing. and this really comes back in the second act and punches you in the gut like. just wait.

anyways while the party is raging phoenix and frankie go outside on the swingset (!!!) and have a little heart-to-heart. they talk about their dysfunctional families and how frankie is adopted, a black girl in a perfect white family and how her mom “doesn’t see color” but she wishes she did. she talks about how her parents adopted her when she was little and how she’s been “fucking up their lives ever since.” phoenix comments “i have this theory that perfect families only exist in orange juice commercials and utah.” it’s funny and cute until it’s not. they start talking about how it’s not like they don’t love their families, it’s that they wish they were better kids. they think they’re not good enough and if they were different, everything would be better. phoenix says “if i were a better kid i’d have it all figured out. i could fix things at home. my dad might still call me.” and frankie agrees, adding “my mom might still love me.” and cue that i would be good. absolutely. heartbreaking. i cried so much. but it gets even worse when jo comes in. she enters on stage left w her mom, without her beanie and her flannel tied around her waist wearing a bright pink blouse. “there. i wore it.” she says, visibly shaking and looking away from her mom, almost curling in on herself. she takes the blouse off with unsteady hands, holding it behind her and still looking away. her mom yanks it out of her grip and jo flinches, “i don’t know why i even try, joanne.” as her mom leaves the stage jo quickly puts back on her beanie and flannel, looking terrified and heartbroken, and begins to sing “why won’t you accept who i need to be.” she crosses the stage to stand near phoenix and frankie, shaking and fidgeting the whole time. at the climax they all come to the front, frankie in the center, and just sing their hearts out and they just all look so— desperate. sad. lonely. it’s really just gut-wrenchingly beautiful and sad and just ugh. wow. and as jo starts to walk off stage and the lights fade phoenix asks “do you have a boyfriend?” jo freezes. “a boyfriend?” frankie repsonds, “no.”

now we’re on to the next day and jo is bringing coffee for her and frankie as she meets frankie at the swingset. they talk about last night and jo once again jokes and brushes off the church social she had to go to w her mom: “did you know that god forgives gay feelings as long as you don’t act on them? thanks for the life hack father tim.” then they discuss the party and jo pulls out her phone, showing that people had taken pictures of bella without her shirt on while she was passed out and had posted them all over social media. frankie immediately insists they go visit bella right that second to make sure she’s ok and tell her that they’re here for her. jo follows, in awe of frankie’s bravery and passion. as they head to bella’s we see andrew and nick doing their morning workout, andrew talking about how bella was “all over him” while the ensemble surrounds them, singing “this could get messy.”

we get to bella’s where she’s sitting on her couch in a flannel and sweatpants under a blanket. she eventually tells frankie and jo what happened, how she passed out in an empty room and woke up a few times to andrew assaulting her while she was unable to even talk much less fight back. as she begins to tell her story (it’s truly haunting, she sounds so just dead and done kathryn gallagher is amazing) a soft sound can be heard— the theme from predator. the soft “ooh” from the very start of bella’s song in the second act rings through the otherwise deathly silence as she softly starts to recount the horrors of the night before. frankie and jo immediately tell her that’s rape and she responds “what? no. i’m just a fucking idiot.” they try to assure her she’s not and urge her to go to the police. her response is heartbreaking: “are you kidding me? like i’m really gonna say andrew montefuray… everyone like worships his whole family. there is literally a statue of his grandpa downtown. plus, they never believe anyone anyway.” jo responds “we believe you.” she then reveals that nick saw something at the party and didn’t do anything and frankie goes to confront nick about it. he responds by telling her bella’s always overdramatic, that he shouldn’t be expected to look out for everyone. frankie looks devastated. mj walks in on their fight and, in response to frankie telling her bella was raped, says “you can’t just go calling the police every time a girl gets drunk and there’s some he said she said. these things can happen. i wouldn’t go making this your cause of the week.” cue wake up. frankie sings the opening lines directly to nick and mj, looking both furious and horrified. as the song builds the ensemble joins in and off to the side we see an interrogation room. frankie and jo come in w bella, trying to support her through what looks like a stressful interrogation w an intimidating male police officer who is constantly frowning and interrupting. we don’t get any dialogue from this as the song is happening around them but we see bella look more and more embarrassed and devastated as frankie and jo only look more angry. they eventually leave and andrew takes a seat and has what looks like a pleasant conversation w the policeman that ends in a friendly handshake. at the climax of wake up, after the interrogations, the whole ensemble is on stage and with them are the two moving panels/platforms. the main cast stand on the panels, and the ensemble moves them and flips them, revealing characters that were on the other side in switches so fast it’s incredibly impressive and overall a truly mesmerizing scene. the last line is frankie, alone in center stage with the ensemble behind her looking at mj who is in front of her staring out into the audience as frankie yells “wake up.” stunning.

the last scene of act one is forgiven. wow wow wow. mj goes into the church and begins to pray. she prays for her kids, for her marriage. then she begins to discuss something else. she goes “the last time i asked you for something…. well. you remember back in college. even after that night— that was my fault.” her voice breaks a little, sounding weaker and more scared by the second and once again the soft, ominous theme of predator can be heard in the distance. the same theme from when bella was accounting her assault and the theme that will come back in act two. chills. every time. mj starts to break down then, asking for help w her addiction. she admits she’s having a hard time stopping and begs for assistance. cue forgiven. in comes part of the ensemble— but only the non-male members of the ensemble. stunning. she begins the song and the ensemble moves the church pews and panels in a wonderful bit of choreography as the song grows. by the second chorus bella appears from the back of the stage and slowly walks up to join mj as the non-male members of the ensemble move the pews to surround the two of them. mj and bella stand back to back in front of a semi-circle of the non-male ensemble standing on benches. they chant “sinner! witch! whore!” while mj continues to sing and they point at bella and mj at each word, the lights flashing. it’s haunting. then bella joins the ensemble and they leave as mj moves to exit the church. she’s outside now, snow falling around her as we reach the climax of the song and the rest of the cast joins her on stage one by one. i couldn’t tell this was the case on the cast album but on that last chorus each main character gets their own line over the ensemble as they enter the stage. steve starts, “we all had delusions in our heads,” then nick, “we all had our minds made up for us,” then frankie, “we had to believe in something. so i will,” then andrew “we all had our reasons to be there” then bella, “we all had a thing or two to learn,” then finally jo, “we all needed something to cling to. so we did.” we could talk about how meaningful all of those lines are to each of those characters for hours honestly. and now the whole ensemble begins to join and the chorus only grows, everyone just singing their hearts out as they belt (ELIZABETH’S VOICE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK) and they end with a haunting final note “amen.” and that’s the end of act one. holy fucking shit.