#I dont enjoy doing overtime and coming home to work on the art for the zine that I really should have had help with :')

[lilowoof]

I'm so fucking excited to get all this outstanding work done, and for tax season to fuck off. I cannot wait to have more time to play games with pals, go out with friends whom I haven't seen in a few months....go to some random meetups to meet new ppl and create new connections (and perhaps snag me a new person wink wonk LMAO).

And just...have more time to live. To stop feeling as lonely as I am feeling rn. CAUSE HOO BOY, it's been hitting me hard. And I can't do too much about it CAUSE of the deadlines I need to meet!

[cemeterylanes]

unfortunately will be rambling beneath the cut again because im antsy on a plane

i wish i felt alive i have no spark no joy i go for a week and have to come back and take more medication because i am getting worse. i see my regular therapist again in two weeks i feel a great existential dread that i will die without living

i hate to sound so stupid to say fomo is real and in the way i experience being sad i cannot just live happily or the way i want. i cant have a job i feel joy in. i could maybe someday but not right now and it feels so endlessly hopeless. i cant say goodbye to him so i say i will see you later but i dont know when later is. when i have a house. and he wont have to leave. i hate seeing arden go places. i hate seeing people having a better time than me. i feel like the incarnate of the sin of envy watching people do things that make them happy all of the time. i really do. its not even in a like fuck you i hope you deserve to be unhappy way or like i want to do the same things (i want to travel but i dont want to go glacier hiking or music festivals) and do what i want to do and be there.

i know real life isnt like that and i sound like a hedonist that only craves pleasure and joy because who doesnt but i am on such a thin tightrope i think i could slip and hang myself if i tried. also very mad i was writing on the ride to denver before i could save the draft. im trying to enjoy stuff like making art again and setting goals but constantly am trapped between "fuck it whatever" and being responsible. i get a pay raise in 4 weeks and im hoping ill be eligible for teletime so i can work from home. the least they could do is let me do that and i only need to be in the office 3 days a week. id go monday tuesday. other days at home. i could do laundry and eat. i could work from bed. i wouldnt be doing overtime at 9 pm at the office for another half hour drive home.

im getting 2 new tattoos in november and i am going to consider getting a new nostril piercing on my left side so it matches. im getting a mullieter mullet shag thing in january because i really like it and its like as close as im getting to expressing myself because i cant dye my hair or tattoo my hands. i hate my fucking job so much . i hate feeling like theres no way out of the rat race i am in. id be so much better if he was at least with me in the same timezone. im so sick of having to hide our relationship because our parents think its not real / internet people scary.

im trying to set goals because i do bitch to bitch but i do have ambition but i am so tired from being sick from being chronically ill and crippled by my family or how things are. i so desperately want to open a taxidermy and tattoo shop because it would be so great. i could teach workshops. but it also means i have to work on flash sheets which i've been doing terrible with because ive been drawing other stuff to get back into the swing of things and havent touched my tattoo gun in a couple of months.

but the hardest part is i dont want my hobbies to feel like a bummer because theyre hobbies i love and enjoy and want to keep enjoying them. i want to feel normal so badly. i really really do. im just so unhappy i feel it everywhere. being in philly/nj has been the happiest ive been in two years and i will be miserable again

[sam-gibbs]

The start of my Year 2 FMP.

The time has finally come once again to start our second FMP. Unfortunately unlike last year I am starting the this FMP at home as we are still doing remote learning due to COvid. Hopefully we will only be doing the first couple of weeks of our FMp at home before we hopefully go back to college. However we are uncertain if we will be returning back to college. Due to this I am going to be planning out my FMP as if I will be at home continuing it just incase we are unable to return back to college. Due to my last years FMP going really well even though I spend half of the FMP at home. I am going to be going ahead and following the same sort of structure and outline as last year.

SWOT Analysis:

Firstly I am going to be doing my SWOT analysis. As a recap a SWOT analysis is an analysis I do on myself as a person. Here I look at strengths,weaknesses,opportunities and threats I can face during this project.

Strengths:

Blog Work:Like last year one of my biggest strengths is keeping up to date with my blog work. I really enjoy doing the research as well as talking through how I created something and showing my progress of my project. Due to me being at home currently I can get blog work done more efficiently due to me being able to spend more time on it as well as there being less distractions from my work.

Unreal: Over the course of time I have found that Unrela is one of my other strengths. i have learnt that I am more of a coder and prefer doing work inside of unreal instead of doing other things such as art work and modelling.

Weakness:

Landscapes:one of my weaknesses is of course landscape building: I haven't really spend any time looking into improving my skills in landscape building. Although it is not really my area of expertise it would be nice to be able to go forwards and try to eventually get better at making my own landscapes.

Audio: Another one of my weaknesses is creating my own audio. Although I have tried creating audio in the past I have always decided to end up not using it in my game. This is mainly due to me not being confident enough with the fact that the audio is good enough for the game.

Model making: Overtime I have become less passionate about model making and feel like it is not my field of work anymore. As much as I would love to make all of my own assets and be able to go ahead and use them in my games. I feel like I dont have the patience/ knowledge to make the sort of assets that some of my games in the past have needed. 

Opportunities:

Brief:Due to the FMP not being as strict a brief. I am able to explore a lot more areas of research in order to help me decide what sort of project I would like to work on.

Portfolio: During the FMP we are also going to be going ahead and working on creating our own portfolios which is going to be a great opportunity as it will mean I will have a professional as well as easy way to display my work.

Threats:

Burnout: One main problem with me is burnout. I try to set too high a standard for my project and end up burning myself out with all the work I do. I am going to try and work slowly and try to pace myself.Not setting too high a goal as well as making sure to take time to myself to relax and cool down as well.

Distractions: At home and at college there are distractions which can sometimes get in my way. I am going to try my best to not get distracted from my college work and try to focus on the work more.

Starting points:

In the first FMP we were very lucky to have gotten 8 starting points in which we were tasked to go ahead and research for our game. These starting points did unfortunately restrict what we could do due to the fact that our game had to link to one of those starting points. The starting points we were given last year were. 

Ordinary world

What No one tells

A secret plot

MC escher

Slash dot dash dot

Deep ocean

alt control

1969

However this FMP we have not been given any start points and need to create our own starting points. We were told to aim for 10 starting points and do research into them. The research will help us learn more about the starting points and think about how we can make our project around the starting points. Unfortunately I am not as creative at starting points and find it very hard to think of them. So I have decided to take a bit more of a randomness way of going about getting my start points. I have gone and gotten a list of the top ten game genres.From the website below:

https://straitsresearch.com/blog/top-10-most-popular-gaming-genres-in-2020/

The top ten game genres according to this website are:

Action

sports

horror

battle royale

role-play

racing

fighting

real time strategy

simulation

first person shooter

In order to decide which 5 of these I am going to be doing some research into I have gone and put the genres in a random wheel generator where it will randomly pick a genre when spun. I spun the wheel 5 times and took note of the genres it gave me:

This is the website I used for the wheel generator: 

https://wheelofnames.com/

The results for the spins were...

Spin 1: Role playing games

Spin 2:real time strategy

Spin 3:simulation games

Spin 4:action games

Spin 5:horror games

I am quite happy with these choices as these are sort of the game which even though I enjoy them more than say racing and sport games, Some of them I haven't really played myself so the research will definitely benefit me well.

I then went and decided to do the same for film genres as well.This will then get me some different genres to look at which aren't necessarily game related. I went and got the top 10 film genres off of the website below.

https://www.filmsite.org/afi10topten.html

The top 10 film genres I picked were:

Animated

Fantasy

Gangster

Sci fi

Western

Sports

Mystery

Romance

Comedy

Courtroom drama

The results for the spins were...

Spin 1: Animated

Spin 2: Mystery

Spin 3: Sci fi

Spin 4: Gangster

Spin 5: Fantasy

These choices are really nice as these are things I haven't really looked into much before so it will definitely be some new interesting research for me to do.In summary we now have our 10 basic starting points which we can now go ahead and do research on.