#I don't want to starve but I fucking dread being told I at last look 'healthy' and 'normal' again

[kittykatkatelol]

the urge to starve for this week because I'm visiting my grandma on Sunday who always has to comment on my weight and I've gained since last I saw her

queue incoherent screeching /neg

warning big vent in tags

[tackyink]

tw: eating disorder, weight talk

Gotta say though, if the casual bigotry infuriated me, what really got under my skin was the comment about my weight.

When I was 21 I had a very bad period: awful breakup, major financial problems, high stress to keep up with uni work and extracurriculars (I had a very strict schedule and I could not fail any classes because I'd be out of a scholarship and have to drop out), and general disenchantment with the future in the middle of the worst recession since 1929. A beloved friend was out of town for most of that year too, and she was going through a terrible time as well. Nothing I was doing mattered anymore.

At some point during that summer, I became unable to eat normally. I was so anxious all the time, I had trouble swallowing. My stomach felt full all the time, even when I hadn't eaten in hours. I was so depressed that it became easier not to try. I was tired and sleepy all the time. I had constant nightmares, but that was still better than being awake. Hours passed excruciatingly slowly, otherwise.

I had been a chubby child and teen in the 90s, forced into physical activity I did not like to control my weight, and as time went by and that weight redistributed, that went away, but my self-image didn't change. So when I started dropping weight that summer? Well, that was the one silver lining of this situation! I could lose weight like that. I'd be sad but I'd look better.

I started eating even less than my stomach would allow. Try to see how far I could push it. If I was hungry, I could drink water and sleep. I checked the labels of everything before eating. I weighed myself obsessively. My only salvation was that my parents cooked for me at lunch, and I was still aware that what I was doing was wrong. I set myself a limit, and if I went below that I told myself I'd go to the doctor. I was near 45 kg when I decided that I couldn't let it go on and forced myself to eat progressively more and to stop skipping meals.

I dropped 5 kilograms in a month. I'm 162 cm tall, and at my heaviest, in my entire life, I was 52 kg. A few months ago a friend sent me one of the very few pictures I allowed when I was a teen from the first time we met outside a convention, and I wanted to cry. I was the same height and weight I'd be at 20, but a doctor had looked at an age chart and told me I was 6 kilograms overweight so that was a problem. I had gone over ten years with a completely warped image of myself. I still can't see myself right in a mirror. I like looking at a scale every now and then because I have an objective number and my self-perception can't say shit about that.

My current weight is stable at around 48 kg. I still look at the labels on products sometimes, out of curiosity, with no heavy feelings, but during my entire twenties I read them with dread, even if I was eating normally again. It doesn't matter how long it lasts. When you have a brush with an ED, something in your brain remains changed forever. You can recover with time, but you'll always be more prone to relapse than someone who's never had one. I refuse to do any special diets or watch what I eat other than making sure I don't go overboard with junk food because I know the moment I really start paying attention to my intake, I'll be down that pipeline again, and at my current weight, I can't afford any more loss.

I get stomach aches more easily since then. I can't eat big meals most of the time, and I have to graze a little through the day in order to avoid heartburn (it's not helicobacter, btw. I checked). That's another thing I get to carry the rest of my life.

And I've always been a contrarian. So whenever someone tells me to eat more, I lose my appetite. Something inside of me still feels pride in the self-control it takes to starve myself. I did it once and I can do it again. I'll do it to prove a point, even if it's a point I don't agree with. I am nothing if not determined.

So yeah, I was mad when that fucking asshole told me to eat more. It was a good thing I already had had lunch.

Tomorrow I go back to work and I'm looking forward to see how the place functions when the students are around. The first will arrive in two weeks. Feels a bit like starting a new job again...

Then I remember the Transphobic Cleaning Lady again and I don't feel like going anymore. 😒

[every-dayiwakeup]

Handle with Love

TW: hints of smut, binge eating disorder (mentioned), body insecurities, misunderstandings, internalized fatphobia, flangst

The first and last time Steve calls Billy a wide load, it's said with a lazy smirk, his hands palming Billy's asscheeks.

"Well, you can watch this wide load walk away. Ain't worth a fucking black eye," Billy snarls. Smug dick doesn't need to know that he'll cry himself to sleep after stuffing his face, like always. Because he's fucking hungry. Starved for food, what it used to represent. His ma told him food had love in it, and the more love you put in, it goes to your sides. Called the squishy rolls on Billy's sides love handles. Now they're just rolls. Billy hasn't consumed love since he was ten years old. Never stopped him from searching. Hasn't done his body any favors.

"Are you... crying, Billy?"

He's so tired. Tired of the lies, the loneliness, the oscar worthy smiles-

"So what if I am?"

Steve's hairy hands brush his wet cheek. Billy stubbornly refuses to meet those cursed eyes. If doing so makes his double chin more apparent it's a risk he's willing to take.

"Shit, I'm sorry. For what it's worth, no one I've fucked has ever cum that fast."

Billy stares blankly. What?

"S nothing to be ashamed of. Kinda flattering actually."

"So when you said wide load..." Billy says slowly, his abdomen still tense. Has to be sure.

"What'd you think I meant?"

Billy lets out a harsh laugh, gesturing to the lingering effects of his incessant binging. Can't get any worse.

"I wouldn't..." Steve starts.

"Bull. King Steve, miss a chance to claim uncharted territory? Fuck the fatty, lead him on, just 'cause you're bored?" He's trembling now, bare gut quivering. Completely naked, a pink, disfigured display.

"You're a virgin?"

"That's what you took from what I said? I guess you finally found someone dumber than you, can't believe I fell for-"

Chapped lips press against the dome of his belly. Warmth fills his tight ribs.

Billy wants to look away, but King Steve's siren kisses lure him in. He wants those lips on his. Doesn't dare move an inch. Don't let this be a dream, let me have this-

Steve's mouth travels to iffy territory, the dreaded gathering of fat resting above his wide hips, cool saliva a contrast to Billy's hot stretched skin.

"H-Harrington, what're you doing?"

Steve looks up at him, two black holes wielding an unholy gravitational pull. No escape. Billy isn't sure he wants an out. Needs those eyes on him, and him only. "I love you," he says simply. He has no idea the whirlwind of emotions he's putting Billy through.

"You gonna kiss me or somethin'?" Billy whispers weakly. He's so damn weak for Steve. Maybe the only time he's not ashamed of being a coward. If this is the reward, he'll run away for the rest of his life.

"Got more ground to cover, first, bello." There's no mockery in his tone. He sounds kinda... excited at the idea? Another ingredient is present. Billy can't quite place it.

Steve rubs his thumbs up and down his muffin top. Billy whimpers.

"Are you okay?"

No.

"Do you want me to stop?"

Don't you dare.

"Why are you doing this?" Billy croaks, a lump forming in his throat.

"Putting aside the fact that I'm ass over fucking heels, I...I really like the way you look, and I want you to know that."

"You... like my blubber?" Billy can't help but snort disbelievingly.

"Fluff," Steve corrects, catching Billy's words before they swallow him whole and he drowns in his own tears.

"Fluff?" Billy repeats slowly, cocking his head in confusion.

"Yeah. Fluff. You don't like your body. That's okay. I'll smother you with love till you do."

Billy cracks a watery smile."Helluva promise, Harrington. Could take a lifetime."

"Good thing I'm following you, in every lifetime, then," Steve murmurs, fucking Artisan the way he shapes Billy's thorny crown into a pillow where he can lay his weary head to rest.

Billy finally gets what his mother meant. Steve is the missing ingredient, and he handles Billy with love, tracing each curve, swell, and dimple reverently.

He laughs to himself as Steve's magic thumbs knead his plush love handles. His mother would like Steve, he thinks, eyelids drooping.

I like him, too, Ma. I like him a lot.

*****

Tags:

@geormenia

@ouizzyharringrove

@emeraldwitches

@suspiciouslackofclowns

@jaethecreator

@justan-0-t-h-3-r

@spaceboxkitty

@polaris-ursae

@flayedintheusa

@talesfrom-theupsidedown

@whoringrove

@harringroveho

@harringrovetrashh

@namorian

@magellan-88

@phishyie

@wixterirox

@theabyssofdeathandexistence

@cherry-sorry

@thatawkwardlittlefangirl

@m0isttoenails

@shipworm

[dreaminginvelaris]

A Response to a Feyre Anti

I made a post recently explaining the dread of having to watch Feyre be abused by her sisters and father, in the Tv adaption. And a Feyre anti made a response, to something that should not be criticized at all considering what I said was just the truth? Feyre was abused. Not only that but they went on and completely twisted the narrative to fit their own ideas and in the process made Feyre out to be cruel and Nesta a saint. complete bull.

I will not be tagging the anti bc they have me blocked (shocker), but also I do not want anyone to go after them, if you come across the post, I don't want it to be through me. it's as much respect I can give to them.

I usually do not respond to those who have something to say with a post of mine or are blatantly talking about me on their blog, unless they're just spreading absolute lies about me or what i "said", it's usually a waste of time to do so. but this post attacked Feyre with outrageous lies and a complete backward interpretation of what actually happened in acotar, so as respectful as I can be, I will be analyzing the anti-response and what truly happened in acotar.

"the audience will only see two sisters fighting-not abuse" "it’s not Nesta you need to worry about. It’s audiences calling Feyre a big dumbass and a bitch" -from anti

if the audience has basic human compassion and empathy for humans IRL or fictional, they will see what's obvious from the start. Feyres abuse. how is it going to look, when they see Feyre walking through the woods, shaking from the cold, starving from hunger, and struggling to find food for her family? only to later see Nesta's treatment of Feyre?"

in the anti's post, they said Feyre was just as "heinous" to Nesta.

is Feyre the one calling Nesta a pig? a smelly pig? ordering her to take her clothes off?

no, it's not, it's dear Nesta. the text goes as "I took my time, swallowing the words I wanted to bark at her" oh yes... how cruel of Feyre. how heinous of Feyre to...stay quiet... at the verbal abuse.

in the same image we see Feyre ask Nesta to do something (kindly might I add) and then inquire why she didn't chop wood like she needs to.

what does Nesta do? acts like a brat and insults Feyre...once again.

considering I'm going off by the story and not the actual screenplay, and assuming they stay true to the story; will the audience not be disgusted by Nesta's behavior? I mean they just saw Feyre struggle to find food and they expect Feyre to go home to a family happy and appreciative of Feyre but instead, they get this familial abuse.

the anti said Feyre basically tells Nesta this:

"If you keep bitching at everyone like this no one will want to be around you or you can’t marry this guy because you’re a waste of space to me"

but what do we see?

"Believe me... the day you want to marry someone worthy, I'll march up to his house and hand you over. But you're not going to marry Tomas."

the word worthy, did that not catch your eye? Feyre said Nesta will have to marry someone worthy, someone, who will treat Nesta kindly and give her the life Feyre thinks her sisters deserve. bc Feyre does think that IDK why anti feyres think Feyre despised Nesta so much, Feyre loved her sisters.

what the anti fails to realize here is that Nesta marrying Tomas would have been actually pretty great for Feyre. in the sense that, Feyre would no longer carry the burden of her sister. Feyre would not have to worry about feeding one more mouth. or worrying about Nesta's constant stealing of Feyre's money. Feyre does not think Nesta is a "waste of space" to her, if she did, it would have been easy for Feyre to discard Nesta, and allow her to marry Tomas. the anti has that twisted.

but that is not even the worst part of the scene. did you see the shameless slut-shaming that came out of Nesta's mouth? how will the audience take to that? do you think most of the younger generation will take it lightly to see a sister slut-shame a sister? a woman putting down another woman? in this social climate? where the feminism movement is alive and flourishing. will they be okay with it? will they still blame Feyre and be mad at her the way the anti says they will be? I hope not otherwise I'm losing faith in humanity.

Lovely words Nesta spews at Feyre. I admit Feyre should have told her then and there that Tomas is abusive. but let's think: Feyre is 19 years old, the youngest, has never had any raising by a parental figure, has been neglected by her whole family, where would Feyre learn to calmly talk to an overgrown brat like Nesta? Feyre telling Nesta who Tomas truly is the duty of a parent, not a sister. I will not condemn Feyre for not knowing that was the perfect time to tell Nesta who Tomas is. especially when Feyre is being tormented and verbally/emotionally abused, its kinda hard to think about something else while you're being told all these horrible words. to us its easy to see where Feyre went wrong but unless you're in the exact position Feyre was in. no one has any room to talk. and even then, every person is different in situations like these.

this part was me analyzing the interactions between Feyre and Nesta since anti had reasons to believe Feyre was just as bad to Nesta and that the audience would see that and hate Feyre. I am now going to respond to the second part of the Feyre Anti's response.

"How will an audience of non-fans react to her not reaching out to her family to tell them she was okay after the reconciliation between her and Nesta? Or not inviting them to the wedding?"- from anti

moving onto acomaf now.

Idk maybe the audience will see Feyre, a depressed, lonely, individual in an abusive relationship while being manipulated by other individuals she called friends, and understand and empathize with her. all throughout the beginning and half of acomaf, Feyre is in critical depression. she wholeheartedly believes she should not be alive. that she is not worthy. she doesn't eat, all she does is sleep, self-care is not important to her or others so why would letting a family know she's okay, a family who BARELY ever cared about her, be a priority? it doesn't seem like Nesta or elain or her father was really fazed by Feyre's lack of communication. her father left on a trip, elain got engaged and Nesta, well we didn't see a tearful welcoming to Feyre on Nesta's part did we?

anti, where is the outcry of her "family" not even really caring if Feyre was safe or not, of what happened to her? it's not like they thought she had died, otherwise, where was the mourning or funeral? no, they just didn't care.

see this is where I know when anti is just full of bullshit. why, WHY, would Feyre invite her family to wedding full of fae? the creatures elain and Nesta fear and hate? for all the talk many anti's spew about Feyre being inconsiderate to Nesta, to her family, you would think Feyre maybe just knows a fae wedding would be the last thing they would want? even then, does Feyre owe them an invitation to her wedding? does she owe them an update on her life? nope. Feyre owed them nothing.

"How about her shit-talking Nesta to a bunch of strangers then having the audacity to ask her to get involved in a war. Oh! This is after she comes into her house and insults their hospitality." - from anti

I hardly think Feyre confiding in individuals who she learned to care about and laying out all the trauma Feyre endured with her family is "shit-talking" but for argument's sake, let's say it is. I still don't see what's wrong? after years of pent-up anger and hurt, would you not let go of everything you withheld inside and explain what was done to you? how you felt? Feyre telling the IC her life story, which contains Nesta's abuse and her family's neglect, was a form of therapy for Feyre. I never read a line where Feyre calls Nesta a "cold-hearted bitch" or called elain "a lazy ditz" she just said the truth. no added embellishments. Cassian was the one who shit-talked Nesta during the dinner scene, never Feyre.

I still don't understand why antis are so against Feyre asking her sisters for help? like the war didn't involve them? they're humans, and you know what the war was about? Hybern wanting to take control of the human lands like they once did and turn them into slaves. those humans included Nesta and elain.

"They could have left the continent" correct, except elain was engaged and refused to leave Grayson. which meant Nesta refused to leave elain. but even so, isn't it the duty of humans to band together and work to overthrow a race of people who want to torture and keep them as slaves? the queens certainly weren't doing their jobs. Feyre asked to use "their" house to meet the queens bc where else would they do it? the queens trust the fae less than Nesta or elain did. but even so, Feyre asking to use their house was a courtesy, that house is rightfully Feyre's. she is the one who sacrificed herself to leave with Tamlin. she did it bravely, courageously, and they got that house thanks to her. they owed Feyre everything. and the only one who acknowledged that was Elain.

that war involved elain and Nesta whether they or Feyre or the anti's liked it or not. not even considering that Nesta and elain are Feyre Archerons sisters, yeah, their family name alone puts a target on their back.

How did Feyre or the court insult Elain's and Nesta's hospitality? You mean when Feyre realized human food differed from fae food? something she did not know about bc she's barely been turned to fae and only had eaten fae dishes? Feyre's grimace towards the human food was an involuntary reaction to someone who is still learning their new body. or was it when Cassian called out Nesta for her cold treatment towards Feyre? if that's the case then fuck decency, I would call out a fake bitch in my presence from minute one. you cant call what Nesta did "hospitality" when all she did was insult Feyre when she didn't even care that Feyre had died, or lost her love bc of abuse, or that her body was changed against her will.

hospitality: the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.

did y'all read something different bc this for sure was nothing Nesta gave to her guests?

----

the rest of the anti post moves towards Rhysand and his actions UTM which I won't go into because I'm mainly just addressing the false interpretations this anti had to say about Feyre and her family.

I'm not sure how to sign off now lol, but I guess just that I hope this was enough to show how this anti's arguments were completely ludicrous and have absolutely no compassion for Feyre, and instead all the compassion for Feyre's abusers. This anti had a real spin on what the actual story was, and I hope the evidence I provided was enough to show that. Anyways yeah my brain is fried, and I'm done arguing with Feyre anti's for a while now, I need to go praise my queen Feyre so I can receive some semblance of peace.

anyways, stan Feyre for clear skin xx

[shortyisweird9]

'Lonely ghost serie'

Proposition and Accord-part VII

"Ghoooost! Good noon!"

"Hello!"

You opened your eyes slowly, barely awake from the deep sleep you had. The grogginess in your voice shadowed by the abnormal deepness of the voice changer.

"Hey, ghost."

"Corpse! Always pleased to hear you."

"Always ,ey?" Toast picked what you said in a more suggestive tone, teasing you with it.

"Cut it ,man."

You didn't bite on the trap however.

" Anyway, mind if I bring a friend?"

"Of course!"

"Sure why not."

"Okay,brb."

"So ,Corpse..."

"To early for that ,Toast."

Near the white astronaut Ghost had, a new little one came. It was black with a pair of headphones and a Wall-e companion. On top the name Charon was displayed.

The others started circling the new mate as Corpse's pink character stood unmoved by your side.

"Good evening!" A low and mature voice came from a woman. It didn't had a mechanical effect to it so it was coming in naturally.

"Hiiiii!"

"Hello!"

"Guys this is Andreea, Andreea this is the Peanut gallery."

"Ha,nice. Good to meet you all."

"Likewise."

"You too."

"Your robot is cute." Corpse remarked.

You smirked when your phone immediately lighted up. A message from Andreea written in big bold letters: 'HIS VOICE IS HOT!'

'I know :)))'

"Andreea , you know how to play this game?"

"Y-Yeah ummm..."

"Sykkuno."

"Sykkuno! Yeah, I know me and Y- I mean ghost sometimes play it. "

"You play together?"

"Well yeah, we play Fallout together, sometimes Minecraft even Eyes the horror game. Speaking of which ghost?"

"Yeah?"

"My place tonight?"

You smirked knowing what's to come.

"Time to corrupt another soul?"

You laughed was intentionally made to be interpreted by the others as evil and dark. In the inside you cringed, you sounded so stupid.

"Umm,guys?" Sykkuno asked for clarification, to which he will not receive.

"YOU GUYS LIVE IN THE SAME CITY?" Pooki asked all excited for some reason.

"Yeah?"

"Same city? We leave in the same apartment building." Andreea told ,a pleasant hiss rang as her long nailed hands opened a Pepsi can.

'Cola is better'

'Fuck off, Y/n'

':))🖕'

"That's so cute!"

"I guess,but she's a pain."

"A pain? Moi? Please, I am only in pain not one."

The others chuckled at your shenanigans, the humour between you and Andreea being based in play fighting, cursing each other and bumping as hard as you can into each. Considering how much of a height difference is between you two, everything just gets more interesting.

"Maan,I want to stay in the same building with you guys also." Corpse pouted.

You two sounded really nice to be with, especially you. You were fun to talk witg and your natural voice was a godsend to his anxiety and insomnia. It made him sometimes slip into a blissful sleep,especially when you began reading to him Doom lore in the late hours of the night.

' "The Maykrs' need for the Essence is prime. Without it they must suffer the monstrous fate of Transfiguration, and see their wisdom and faculties slither from their twisted forms. By bidding of the Khan Maykr herself, the Order of the Deag has devised a method to improve and accelerate the production of the Hell aura. What once took eons for the savage beasts to attai...oof. Wait."

Corpse heard you move in the bed, your body getting its pressure off it before settling back in.

He wanted to start to ask you to read again when he was interrupted by the sound of smooching ? You were kissing somebody?

You puffed and smiled as Sergiu bombarded you with another waves of kisses, a tradition in your group. You all were touched starved creatures so you showed your platonic affections through hand holding, sudden hugging, cuddling- sometimes propping your cold feet on the other person's back just to be dickish- and rains of kisses.

Sergiu was the most affectionate out of all of you, the rain of kisses being something that his mother used to do before she left to work. 'A kiss on the forehead to brighten your thinking, two on the cheeks so no one is lonely and one wherever you want.'

"Alright! Alright! I get it, you are leaving!"

You laughed as you pushed the cuddly golden retriver of a man away.

His chains attached to his black leather belt with grey 3d rombes running all over it clicked as it bounced. His hair smudged on the worn out black leather jacket and his face all but a smile. He was happy and you love to see it.

-Vrei ceva? ("You want something?")

-Umm...PIZZA PĂTRATĂ DE LA DEDEMAN ȘI MOUNTAIN DEW.("Um...SQUARE SHAPED PIZZA FROM DEDEMAN AND MOUNTAIN DEW.")

The man laughed at your antics, roughing up your freshly washed hair and closing the door as he left.

"Corpse? You still there buddy?"

Corpse felt a pang in his chest, you sounded like you have much more fun with the other person. He knew it was stupid but he couldn't help feel jealous and worried at the same time. He wanted to be the reason to make you sound so happy and he didn't want to be worried of being replaced anytime soon.

"Corpse? My petit orchid? Are you okay?"

"Y-Yeah,I am fine."

It came out shaky and too abrupt for your liking. Something's wrong and you didn't want to overstep your boundaries but you couldn't let him go about his day while having something munching on his good mood.

"Hey,hey Corpse."

"Yes?"

"Wanna see my cat?"

"YOU HAVE A CAT?"

"Yes,so do you..."

"Hell yeah. I mean...sure I am cool with that."

You shook your head and became giggling, it's good to know you weren't the only one who didn't know how to cover their slip ups.'

"Trust me Corpse. You don't want to live with this anxiety filled owl."

"HEY! My anxiety adds spice."

"Oh my god!"

"Guys, guys. Can we start the game please?"

"Oh for sure."

————————————————————

"Watch out for the wall, ghost. Watch out for--GHOST! Oh shit ,I lost her guys! Ghost, where are you?"

His character ran in desperate search to find you. When it left the snowy environment from outside , it stopped abruptly. You were there in the office with Sykkuno ripped apart body in front of you.

"Oh shit! Sykkuno!"

His thoughts ran wilde as they hurried to reach a consensus. He knew that you will probably kill him also as you waited for those 10 seconds to pass.

His premonition was proven true went you shut the doors of the office , your character moving slowly towards him.

"Ahhh! Guys ,what the hell do I do?"

His eyes clenched shut as his finger hovered the report button.

The sound of a meeting went off,forcing him to let out the breath he's been withholding. His hands shook as he relaxed himself when his friends started discussing aka screaming at each other.

Someone else called in another body.

You held your fingernails between your lips, leg bouncing from the nerves. You knew Corpse will snitch you out,after all you did killed Sykkuno.

I am so fucked...

Your body covered in a white and black hoodie contorted itself into a smaller position.You ignored the pain that your dead thighs were trying to emit while being in a cross position. Head to busy with anxious thoughts of what Corpse may do.

"Phew, Jesus. I am too nervous for this game."

Andreea's words caught you off guard. She nervous? It's more likely than you think.

Your feelings long forgotten as your protective nature sprung out of the shell.

"You? Nervous? Andreea you are a freaking talented tattoo artist."

"It doesn't matter, my hands are sweating like they are the Danube river."

"Wait ,are you a tattoo artist?"

"Yeah ,I am. I started tatto--"

Mission accomplished! Your goal wasn't to comfort, you knew you sucked at that but to distract. To take her mind away from whatever cause her pain ,then to secretly totally not obviously attack the shit of whatever upset her even bad vibes. Fuck them bad vibes! You and your friends are bad bitches not second hand embarrassments.

"It will be nice if I could do henna also but this hoarding gremlin was only calm enough when she did them. So basically it became her summer job."

Ah. Your mind realised she was telling them how you two met.

You wanted to get some henna tattoos, see if you liked the way the look at you. Andrea was just a beginner when you entered the tattoo shop and her life.

You weren't always an anxious person,the situation changed when your math teacher decided to be a bitch and humiliate you for not knowing geometry. Since then you were always out of breath when you spoke in public, always bouncing your leg when stressed , biting off your nails and having a constant dread when it came socialising with others. And when you are a big girl that amplifies considerably.

People are just shallow like that and you learned a long time ago that their intolerance towards you was a THEY problem rather than a YOU problem.

It's hard thought, sometimes their words and disgusted glares burn you from inside out. Make you feel inhuman ,that your anger,sadness and your passion don't mean anything ,that they are not valid, that you cannot be yourself and liked at the same time nevermind seen as a romantic interest.

But I digress, when it came with Andreea ,everything when abnormally smooth, you joked and laughed, bitch about people and so on. You hit off immediately.

So when you wanted to make a bit of cash ,Andreea didn't hesitate to teach you how to do temporary tattooing.

"That's so nice guys,the body was in specimen room by the way." Dave said.

The others for some reason started blaming Rae , you didn't said nothing as you were still waiting with your breath tight for Corpse to rat you out.

"Corpse? Where were you by the way?"

Here comes the expose.

"I ..uh...wait. I was in the storage then I met Sykkuno in the office but left with ghost."

What?

"Ghost? Can you collaborate his story?"

"Yeah , me and him left Sykkuno. I think orange was with him last time we saw. I am done with my tasks by the way."

"What?"

"LUDWIG! HOW DARE YOU KILL SYKKUNO?!" Corpse growled.

You muted yourself as you squealed. You couldn't believe him. He really took your side!

You took a sip of your green tea, patting yourself on the back for being calm and getting back in the game.

————————————————————

"How could you ,Corpse? I trusted you and you stab me behind my back." Sykkuno exclaimed, pout evident in his voice.

"I am sorry Sykkuno..i-it's just...I...uhh.."

Your microphone was not muted this time so when you burst in laughter you dominated the whole discussion. You laughed ugly but happy as you always did, holding your lower abdomen as it clenched muscle you didn't know you have.

"It's NOT funny, ghost!"

"It'S nOt FuNnY, GhOsT! Bwahaha..."

Despite laughing ,deep down you worried you may have offended your new friends? Nah, too early to call them that.

"I think I know why Corpse did what he did." Grease started in a dramatic sober voice.

"You mean cheated on Sykkuno."

Ludwig ignited couple of laughter from the group.

"Yeah. He did it....drumb rolls please. "

Sean provided the suspenseful roll.

"Because he is a SIMP."

"WHAT?"

"No way..."

"You heard me."

The group went wilde. You didn't know what you could say, your mind crazy yet also numb. Poor Corpse.

"Hey, hey. Guys, please calm down. If you want to come for someone, come for my neck."

Your hands flared up into a peaceful backing sign, you knew of Corpse's bad anxiety and you didn't want to cause him distress by bringing the limelight into his face.

"It's alright, ghost. I am a big boy, I can take it."

You tried to keep it short, you really did but your mind wanted to say one more thing.

"Just like you can open foil?"

You heard a breath intake. You lowered your volume, thinking of what he may do.

"I FUCKING HATE FOIL!"

————————————————————

"Tonight was fun." Corpse said after taking a sip of water.

"Yeah, it was."

You watched your dark hair moving in the air as you played with your toes.

"Sorry again for bringing all the...uh...attention on you."

"It's fine,ghost. I know you didn't mean it."

"Y/n."

"What?"

"My name is Y/n."

Ah!

His heart jumped a bit ,you told him your name that means you trust him right. Lily doesn't know your name so he is the first to know. The first to guard this special information.

"Ghost was kinda wearing down,you know?"

"Y-yeah,...uhh..I mean no! Yes? No? Fuck...It's a pretty name,um...Y/n."

You haulted, getting used to him saying your name will take a while.

"Heh,thanks Corpsie."

"Mhmmm, did you have time to think about what I told you?"

Couple of nights ago,Corpse proposed the idea of starting your own Youtube channel. You were hesitant.

"Corpse, I told I don't think people really like me. I think they just like the voice."

"Non sense. You watched our stream?"

"Noo...? Sorry,I didn't really have time to..."

"Hey, it's okay goofball. Anyway,they were asking more videos with you. Maybe some of them like you because of your voice but most of them like you because they like your personality, gh- Y/n."

"Yeah, I guess..."

"Look you don't have to do it if you don't want to. I just feel bad for all the fans that want to talk with you or sometimes I found something funny and I want to send you or tag you. It's stupid I know."

You didn't like the sad tone of his, your heart tightened and your worries worsened.

"I think I am going to sleep. Goodnight, ghost."

"'Night,Corpse."

You were left in the darkness of your room, at the end of the bed with your long fingers reaching towards your knife, your personal fidget spinner. You chew your nail as you moved the blade unconsciously.

Corpse's account:

.ghost added you. Add them back?

————————————————————

Hey,guys!💖💖

Hope you like the seventh part of the serie. I almost went into a writing block with this one.

Anyway, have a nice day!💗💗

Tagged💖💖: @moolujk @magenta-skyline @yikesyikesyikes95 @mythicalamphitrite @yoyoanaria @simonsbluee @cherry-piee @gaysludge @softboiicorpse @heavenly3308

[disappointment-panda]

"Money doesn't buy you happiness"

Are you sure about that? If I had money I'd be able to buy healthy, fresh food and have a big meal every night so my overall health would be better. I would be able to buy actual clothes that last. I'd be able to buy things like expensive equipment for university. I would be able to move out of this fucking hell hole called a house and get my own. I'd be able to watch the TV in my own house. Not be insulted in my own house. Be able to sit in the livingroom. Have a long bath. Listen to music at out loud at a regulated volume. Go down to the bathroom for a pee in the middle of the night without fear of being yelled at. Eat when I'm hungry. Sleep when I'm tired. Shower when I want. Walk around my house. Talk to people without fear of being too loud. Being able to walk downstairs without being critisised for some ungodly reason or have someone getting angry at me. Hearing car doors shut and not feeling afraid or feeling some sort of sickly dread. Have space to work and breathe and stretch out. I can put my shoes on the shoe rack and my coat on the coat hanger. Have my toiletries in the bathroom. My mugs in the kitchen. I can put the heater on, on a cold day. I can be left alone when I need space. In my own house I'd be allowed to sing and laugh and be upset and shout and cry and cheer. If I had money I wouldn't have to work a job where I am underpaid, underappreciated and where managers push me, someone with a panic disorder, to extreme levels of stress. I'd maybe go somewhere else and find someone who cares for me, who loves me. They would look after me when I'm unwell or feel scared or upset. I'd get hugs and kisses and told I'm appreciated. We could bake and sing and dance and just enjoy ourselves.

Money has been held over my head since I was 9 years old, the year my mother died. I was told to be grateful for my father providing the bare minimum for me and being so gracious as to keep me in his house and not allowing me starve to death. Imagine being 11, about to go into secondary school and asking for a a frilly Hollister T-shirt to wear to P.E, or a handbag or nice pretty patent shoes because all the girls that are pretty and have friends wear them or asking for a sketchbook for drawing in or ballet and gymnastic lessons because you want to make friends and be a ballerina like all of the other girls who have heaps of friends and being told 'if you want it then get a fucking job then. You're such a brat'. Imagine saying, no roaring that in the face of an 11 year old little girl, an 11 year old little girl who still didn't grasp the concept of money and couldn't get a job. Imagine finally getting a job in retail at the age of 14 and then that's it. Summer is gone. School holidays? Weekends? That's the only time I could work. No fun. No friends. No relaxation. Not 1 day off. You have to work christmas now. A skinny, short, timid preteen who is now going to be constantly yelled at and crtitised everywhere she goes. Gets bullied off of managers, bullied at school, bullied at home. No positive company. No friends. No social skills. Is weird because she doesn't like boys. Is weird because she wants to be an animator and likes drawing. Is Weird because all she does is work. Is weird because 'where's your mum?'. Is weird because she doesn't spend time with her friends or parents. She prefers animals over people because hey at least they don't fucking bark orders at her. Yeah you have a little bit of money but you can't have fun because you're constantly working and being screamed at for things that are out of your control.

If I had money I wouldnt be as miserable as I am today. I would not have half the mental health problems I have. If I had money I could have went to a private, adult therapist instead of waiting until it was too late to qualify for a free adult therapist only for them to knock me back as well and tell me that its just an 'adolescent thing' instead of getting a private therapist that would take me seriously and give me medicine.

So yes. Almost all of my problems could he solved with money. Money does cause happiness. I'd be the happiest I've been in years if I won the lottery because at last I'd he able to finally live my fucking life.