#I don't want them to feel anything likd I did when they told me to kill myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

the-ellia-west · 9 hours ago

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I want to be honest but I'm not sure I know how

I want to be confident but I feel like a horrible person when I don't apologize for something that wasn't my fault

I have a great time every Sunday when I'm not at home

When I don't have to hear my family yelling at each other

When I don't have to worry about having no friends

Because Church is my real home, where all my friends are, where everything I really love is

But then I go back to my house, and I don't want to be real anymore

I'm happy some moments but I know it never lasts, so I've slowly begun to wonder why is matters

Why should I be happy when I know it won't stay?

I love all of you I really do, but every time I see something you make, I love it, but it reminds me I'm leagues behind you, and no matter how much I grow, you'll always be higher

I want to support you

But everything you make makes me want to cry because I'll never be your equal. And I know that.

#I don't have any hobbies off screens other than talking to people #and I only get to do that at church #when I can go #unless I want to try and talk to my siblings who are even more obsessed with their phones than me #or my parents who are always busy #Because I go to the cheapest school in the district where girls talk about ripping each other's hair out in the Mcdonald's parking lot #or smoke weed in the bathroom across the hall #or give me dirty looks when I try to talk to their friend and the one person who was actually nice to ms #me*#I can't say anything mean to anyone #I don't want them to feel anything likd I did when they told me to kill myself #or told me I looked like a lesbian #or told me I was too loud or to just shut up already #so i'll take it #so you don't have to

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