#I don't think I've ever really written the fall-out from SWM

[mppmaraudergirl]

bitter/sweet

Oh, look... a wild Jilytober fic appears! || also on AO3

Sixteen-year-old Lily Evans felt bittersweet when she thought about her upcoming year at school, though she leaned more heavily toward the bitter than the sweet. Excited though she was to continue her magical education, her fifth year had ended on a low note.

For the short time between The Incident and boarding the Hogwarts Express last term, it was easy to play it all off. To be flippant, and distracted, and pretend she wasn’t hurting from it.

It was harder over the summer.

Home reminded her of so many things. All of her favorite places in Cokeworth seemed tied to him somehow. She was torn between sadness at this fact and fierce, unbridled anger. Anger that festered over the weeks she spent locked up inside her home and self-restrained to her own garden because he might be at their old hang-outs, or she may go somewhere and be reminded of him.

After a time, this anger faded into resolve, almost as if she completed her stages of grief and finally let go. But she still couldn’t shake the apprehension she felt as she packed her trunk for her sixth year. She had found peace at home, accepted what she could not change when walking down the familiar streets of her neighborhood. She still had a life outside him when home.

But Hogwarts was their mutual escape. So much of her experiences there were tied to him. She didn’t know how she was going to move on, when all she had expected – all she had come to rely on as a sturdy absolute: him being there – was gone. So much had changed forever with one unfettered word.

When she finally saw the crimson steam engine in front of her, she realized that some things hadn’t changed. There was still the raucous laughter of students; joyful hellos and crushing embraces from a long, hot summer’s time apart. Owls still hooted happily as they passed by in wire-framed cages. First years bounced around the platform, a mixture of excited and nervous – they were so small for such big emotions.

She took the whole scene in, deeply inhaling the scent of it all. A familiar face caught her eye along the platform – all she could see was a mop of messy hair but she knew it (unfortunately) well. Potter was another absolute in her life that seemed immovable; but not in the sturdy, dependable way he used to be, rather, as a thorn and a sharp tension headache she could always count on to pop up at the wrong moments…

She steeled herself, resolving to not let either of them shake her or make her return to school more bitter than sweet. But even as she boarded the train, she half considered skiving off her Prefects meeting. Ultimately though, she couldn’t bring herself to miss something so important. She knew most times the houses sat together so she was relatively confident she could wedge her way between a couple of Gryffindors to avoid him if she had to.

Two hours later, having spent the full duration of the meeting sitting next to Remus Lupin, she purposefully left the compartment without a look in his direction. She and Remus made casual small talk as made their way back to their friends.

“See you,” she called to him as she found the compartment she was looking for. It was her first time sitting in this compartment. She had already passed her usual compartment – and the companion who she used to sit there with – pointedly ignoring it as she spoke with Lupin.

She slid open the door tentatively, but was greeted by enthusiastic hellos from her dormmates.

“Saved you a seat!” Mary Macdonald said, patting the seat next to her which was closest to the window. “How was your summer? Your hair is so long – I love it!”

Lily plastered on a smile as she sat herself next to Mary and shared the lackluster highlights of her summer. After some time, the smile became more genuine. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for a sadness to start creeping over her as she listened to the other girls go on about their supremely enjoyable summer holidays. She didn’t want to think about what she was doing at this exact moment a year ago, but her traitorous mind kept pushing these thoughts to the forefront. She forced herself to refocus on the conversation, with nearly immediate regret.

“How is it he’s gotten even better looking?” Mary was saying to the rapt and empathic crowd of Gryffindor sixth years: Marlene McKinnon, Jennifer Clearwater, and Brigette Prewett.

“The summer holidays treated him well,” Marlene said, sagely, before letting out a laugh. “I heard he lives with the Potters now. Something about being burned off the family tapestry.”

Mary laughed. “He certainly didn’t seem to be suffering earlier when I saw him with Potter.”

“Speaking of Potter,” Jennifer said, her curly blonde hair bouncing as she spoke, “have you seen him? He must’ve grown about a foot over the holidays.”

Marlene and Brigette nodded in agreement, and Mary laughed before saying: “I saw him with a Quidditch Captain pin on his robes when I was boarding the train.”

“No surprise there,” said Marlene. But her further comment was stopped as the compartment door shook with the sound of a quick knock, before it slid open. Speak of the devil, Lily thought. Still, she continued staring out the window as Potter spoke pleasantries to the group at large.

“Morning.” His eyes traveled among the small group of girls before landing on Lily. “Er… Evans. I was hoping to have a word? If you don’t mind.”

“She doesn’t,” Mary said, tugging encouragingly at Lily’s elbow.

Lily could think of very few things she wanted less than to go talk to James Potter. But still, she stood and quietly followed him into the corridor. They took a few steps away from the door until they stood in front of an empty compartment.

“What do you want, Potter?” She felt too tired to say more.

James at least had the mind to look sheepishly down at her. Down at her. The girls were right, he had certainly not been that tall the last time she saw him. His hair was also longer, starting to curl around the frames of the glasses resting on his ears. She pretended like she didn’t notice this either. His eyes surveyed her for a moment – she half wondered if he was noticing the differences about her as she had him – before he cleared his throat.

“I wanted to… Er, look, Evans. Last term ended… poorly.” She laughed derisively at this; he grimaced and his hand shot to his hair. “I never properly apologized for it. It was a shit thing to do, and you didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”

Lily blinked. He seemed sincere.

“I can’t say I fully understand your… friendship with Sni-Snape,” he continued, his hand trailing from his dark hair to rub his neck. If he wasn’t James Potter, she might have thought he looked nervous. “But I never thought he would have ever… In any case, I thought… given your normal plans for the trip to Hogwarts, that you may be…upset…” He cleared his throat. She was looking at him like she had never quite seen him before. Suddenly he brandished a wrapped chocolate frog from his pocket and held it out toward her. “I’m sorry I was such an arsehole at the end of last term. I know it had real consequences for you and Snape, and I—look I know this is stupid and by no means meant to make up for it. But I wanted to do something.”

She didn’t know what to say, looking between him and the chocolate frog he was still holding.

“How did you know I like chocolate frogs?” she found herself asking.

He shrugged, still eyeing her apprehensively. “I’ve seen you sorting the cards in the common room a time or two, I suppose. I mean… who doesn’t like chocolate anyway?”

She nodded slowly. After a moment she allowed herself to take the frog from him. “I don’t know what to say,” she told him earnestly.

His mouth twisted into another grimace as he returned her nod. “I understand, and I reckon…that is, you don’t have to say anything, Evans. At all.”

Before she could even process these words, a compartment further down the train opened, drawing her attention. Her eyes narrowed as the compartment began emptying. James twisted around to see what she was looking at, and upon seeing Snape his hand jumped to his robe pockets, undoubtedly to his wand. Reflexively, without really thinking, Lily reached out to touch his arm. He froze at her touch but kept his eyes on Snape, who was flanked by Avery and Mulciber.

“Not worth it,” she muttered, keeping her face blank as she met Snape’s stare. He was glaring between the two intently, his eyes black with a thirst to understand. She made no effort to remove her hand from where it was pressed against James’ forearm. A small, petty part of her hoped it bothered him to see her so close to Potter. Touching Potter.

After a moment, Avery bumped his shoulder into Snape’s, drawing his eyes from the pair, and they began walking down the train corridor out of sight. James waited a few seconds after they disappeared to turn his attention back to Lily, who had removed her hand from his arm. She noticed he had shifted so that he was still able to see if anyone doubled back. She was surprised to see how hard his face was. The animosity between him and Snape was well known, but this glare went beyond school yard rivalries. It was hatred and fury. And when he turned to look at her: concern.

“Can’t say I’m overly fond of Snape’s new group of friends,” he said finally. His voice sounded tight, like he was trying to make a joke out of something he did not find particularly funny. He was acting so oddly.

“Were you planning to duel the lot of them?” she asked, once his attention seemed back on her.

His lips twitched upward, but he kept the smile from fully forming on his face. “Between the two of us, we could have taken them.”

Lily considered this for a moment. “Maybe you’re right, but my wand is in my trunk.” James shrugged, as if this would have only been a minor set-back. “Nevertheless, probably not the best idea to get a detention before term starts. At least wait until the Welcome Feast, yeah?”

James’ lips quirked again, but this time a smile actually broke through. “I think I can manage that. And for what it’s worth, I wasn’t planning to start anything there. But I don’t think it hurts to be ready.”

Lily nodded slowly. “I can handle myself, Potter. And despite what has happened with Sev—Snape… I don’t think he would do anything to purposefully hurt me.”

It felt so automatic coming out of her mouth that she didn’t really think about it. It was a mantra she had been telling herself for over a year she realized. It was tired. And proven false on a warm June day. She pursed her lips at this thought, looking away from James now.

“I know,” he said after a moment, and she wasn’t sure if he was referencing what she was saying or what she was not. “Look, I’m not here to interfere where I’m not wanted… I know you can handle yourself brilliantly. But know… just because you can, doesn’t mean you always have to handle it alone.”

He threw another look down the empty corridor, making it obvious what he was referencing. For some reason, she suddenly felt very warm. This was not the Potter she had expected. He certainly didn’t seem like the Potter she had grown to know. She studied him a moment longer, and it crossed her mind that maybe he wasn’t the only boy she thought she knew but really didn’t.

When he looked back at her, features softening in what she could only again describe as concern, she nodded.

“Well… I should probably get back to the compartment before the girls send out a search party.”

James grinned. “Yeah that wouldn’t be good. I’m sure you have a lot to catch up on.”

Lily found herself rolling her eyes. “The most recent topic of discussion when I was leaving was how fit you and Black are… Come to think of it, I probably should thank you for saving me from such an inane conversation.” James grin had grown impossibly wider as she said this. “Don’t you even start,” she warned, smiling despite herself. His grin was contagious. “I was a silent non-participant in that conversation.”

“Uh-huh. I’ve seen you staring at Sirius in Charms, Evans. You seem the type to be interested in rebellious bad-boys.”

Lily laughed. “Who would possibly consider Black a ‘bad boy’? First off, he’s best mates with you.”

“Me?” he asked, his hand flying to his heart in mock offense.

“Yes. You both have top marks in many of our classes. You spend loads of hours in the library. And you’re always off somewhere in the common room practicing jinxes on each other. If you haven’t noticed, and contrary to what you may think, you are a group of nerds.”

James’ mouth bobbed open and closed, as though he decided better than to say what he first thought. He looked mildly confused about her assessment, then an amused smile appeared. “Nerds we may be, but you never disagreed with what your dormmates were saying.”

“Oh, give over,” she said laughing. “Goodbye, Potter.”

James grinned, raising his hands in defeat. “See you, Evans.”

The chocolate frog still clasped in her hand, she rolled her eyes, failing to hide her own smirk, as she walked away.

She didn’t see, but he lingered close by until she got to her destination. And before he walked away, he heard some commentary escape the compartment:

“Did he ask you out again? Did you say yes?”

“Did you snog him finally?”

“You were gone quite a while, Lil – ooh is that from Potter?”

“Relax. It’s just a chocolate frog, not a love letter.”

“It’s just your absolute favorite sweet, from one of the fittest—”

James couldn’t quite shake the goofy grin that was plastered on his face after hearing the short exchange. His conversation with Lily went better than he – and she, for that matter – could have anticipated.

But he had no way of knowing that a chocolate frog – and maybe a friendly conversation – was just what Lily had needed to shift the scale from bitter to sweet.