#I don't think I'm hypomanic. I don't think I'm depressive right now either

[arseniccattails]

Maybe writing Swindle as a pincushion will fix me

[temporarymoods]

first blog!

yay I'm blogging. I'm 21 and I made a blog! maybe this will be good for me, I think. maybe I can keep doing things that are good for me.

🎶 I want sweet revenge / I want him again 🎶

So not true! (I tend to start diary entries with the lyric of a song that's stuck in my head-- especially cool if relevant.) But no, I'm single, and I don't feel particularly wanting of either vengeance or re-coupling at the moment, though the moment tends to be short and infantile. That being said, when I talk of the recent, it certainly is the most important thing, and, wouldn't you know, it takes a quite specific form, seemingly out of nowhere, which surely plans on vanishing within a bit. There we have the reason for this blog (see: name.) Digging in: something we should all be doing more, scraping art and thus pleasure out of our lives; momentarily my sole commitment, while it lasts, while anything does.

It rained today, and thinking about the water calls my attention to how crystal-clear things have been in and around my little being as of late. I told my therapist on Monday (tonight is Wednesday's) that perhaps, the good, long days I've met over the past week are the result of another hypomanic episode, not unlike the one in April which got me diagnosed with bipolar ii. She told me that, frankly, she wished I had never come across the term; I'm doing well, and nothing's wrong with that, and I should be proud of myself. She's right, of course. Consider the heinous acts of socializing, self-esteeming, sweating, and getting shit done--- not bad things, just what I've been wanting for so long!!* So maybe I'm unipolar (aka it's just depression lmao.) Fruitless conclusion? Methinks. Moods, each and every last one, still dominate me (ooh la la), and I won't turn my focus away from them now, as I'm just starting to write the perfect cheatsheet. TLDR I'm sensitive, perhaps not clinically, but does it matter?

🎶 My baby loves me, I'm so angry / Anger makes me a modern girl 🎶

Real. And complicated. While patriarchy has been sooo top of mind, along with an atypically roaring orange feminist fire in my heart, roughly shaking 'gender ideas' have been floating around my head, too. I suppose one of them floated through my fingers and called a hair salon yesterday afternoon. The spirit of gender must have simultaneously took over the air in my lungs and let me schedule a cut for Friday. And I'm so mad, at everything, more than normal; I think about the shape of misogyny, and I've somehow become re-appalled at so much, because there is so much, and it hurts, very actively--- maybe it's that things have come so up to surface recently, like I said, clear. But?B/c?And? When I get ready to be out in the world, and I'm there, taking time with reflective surfaces, I look at my face and I see something different than usual--- someone more me, suddenly present, too. I greet them, haha, hello! Who are you? And what will you look like with short hair? Maybe more like yourself, whoever that is, whatever we've been dealing with. I'm sorry I may have pushed you away for so long, but I promise that I'll get to you eventually, through the brush. Avoidance is something I am great at.

Not all of the time, though. Last Friday--the one that ended up too good it got me shaking in my refusing-to-take-my-prescribed-mood-stabilizers boots--I strutted (strat?) into the Disability Resource Center on campus, before noon, and I did something that I had been avoiding for ~500 days, something that haunted me day-in and night-out for truly that long. Here, I will not disclose what that was. But what matters is that it was stupid, meaningful to me in a way I would not wish upon anybody, and I cried on the T home, with relief and joy and a puff of laughter. And I did talk to real people about it, and only let out a couple tears the second time. Now I'm writing on the web about it, really putting it out there: I make mistakes! I am capable! I'm going to fucking graduate college!

*I recognize that it's a little sad to be so startled by the presence of my own well-being. But it's a true picture, and I am quite comfortable with it. :) There's a story I tell myself, about my life (and I'm sure I'm not alone in this)--- when it comes to the past couple of years, it's...rough! And that's okay, if only because it has to be. It's left me with certain inclinations, sure: My therapist (who is awesome, if so much is not already clear) tells me I get anxious about becoming anxious. Yeah. She also says stuff like it's 'safer to blame yourself than eyeing the system' [my note] which I think is rad. I appreciate her and her help in dismantling my black-and-white thinking. Thanks, Andrea!

🎶 I've got sun in my muthafuckin pocket, that's for sure 🎶

SorryNotSorry for not being able to get enough of Olivia Rodrigo's new album--- sue me! Can you be surprised, dear critical Kate follower, when I've been pulling so much existential peace from rewatching Pretty Little Liars at night and flourishing notably within my oft-adored bedroom? No, you cannot! And it is with this activity in mind that I close out my first blog post. Part of me wants this to sit and collect internet dust. Another part of me wants it to get like, max 3 notes (that's what they call likes on Tumblr, right?) If you're reading this, hi. So silly, so so silly.

Tastefully, Kate 9/13/23

p.s. super duper into a specific kind of indie music recently. playlist titled 'rememba' is a cookie jar.

[teencopandthesourwolf]

17 QUESTIONS, 17 PEOPLE (an update!)

okay, so when i posted the last version on this blog, it was a years-old one from my main that i'd resurrected to get this going. so now imma do an updated version bc i'm depressed and need distractions woohoo.

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NICKNAMES: so. my given name is lucy, which never really sat right with me, but especially not now i've admitted to myself i'm trans. but i'm also autistic, and change freaks me the fuck out lol. online everybody knows me as CASSIDY (actually my surname) but in meatspace, most folks now call me LU, which is androgynous enough to feel okay, i guess. i came out as non-binary a few years ago (which felt right at the time) and only very recently told select folx i'm actually transmasc. it's complicated, for me, in my head, bc i have kids. anyways, my mum has started calling me LUKE (unprompted, lmfao.) also, my brother—who's also my closest buddy—has always called me DAVID, for reasons known only to himself. maybe he's always known i'm a guy.

ZODIAC: scorpio

HEIGHT: a really tall 5'2"

HOGWARTS HOUSE: slytherin (but as my tumblr hubbie tylar @but-theres-wolves also said, jk can go fuck herself with a bargepole).

LAST THING I GOOGLED: "gay men sleeping" bc i wanted a pose ref for a destiel sketch i did when i couldn't sleep last night.

FOLLOWERS: 1015

SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: toss a coin to your witcher the theme song from the witcher, sung by the delightful joey batey. this is bc SEASON 2 COMES OUT FRIDAY ASFHKDSKKKK so i've had s1 on (again, lol) in the background whilst arting.

HOW MUCH SLEEP DO I GET: i'm bipolar so either like 0-4 hours (when i'm hypomanic) or 13+ when both depressed and/or chronically fucked from, well, my chronic illnesses.

LUCKY NUMBER: a self-assigned no. 6, bc i was aged 6 at the time i heard about lucky numbers and wanted one for myself.

DREAM JOB: fiction editor, props master or illustrator.

WEARING: you wanna know what i'm wearing? you saucy lot... *looks at self or wouldn't have a fucking clue* uh, apparently, a massively baggy white and grey leopard print jumper, boxershorts and a neon yellow beanie over my buzzcut. i ain't leaving the house.

FAVOURITE SONG: as if i could pick just one!? currently it's the lightening strike (what if this storm ends) by snow patrol. like, on fucking permanent repeat rn omg i can't get enough of it. the rest of the songs from that album are shit but MAN, THIS SONG.

FAVOURITE INSTRUMENT: to play? guitar, although my hEDS means it hurts these days. like, A LOT. i don't really want to talk about it or i'll cry. to listen to? a full orchestra. like, fuck, just listen to THIS and tell me you don't wanna fling yourself off of a building (in a good way, like the matrix).

AESTHETIC: 41-year-old-finally-admits-to-self-that-they're-trans-therefore-everything-is-that-missed-youth-teenage-boy-aesthetic. yeah, that. luckily i don't look my age so kinda get away with it—and anyone who thinks not can fuck off anyways :)

FAVOURITE AUTHOR: again, as if i could pick just one. rn it's maggie stiefvater bc i'm reading book two in her dreamers trilogy: mister impossible, the spinoff series from the raven cycle.

FAVOURITE ANIMAL NOISE: cats purring AND corvids! we get crows round our flat all the time and i bloody love them.

SOMETHING RANDOM: this isn't really about me but my brain is foggy so. my ex (but still good buddies) sister-in-law was in a drama/thriller with chlöe sevigny called hit and miss about a trans assassin, and played the wife of vincent regan who was in the movie the 300. this was back in 2012 and chlöe was playing the titular character... these days you'd hope that trans characters get to be played by a trans actors.

now i have to try and claw my way back into the land of the living bc my dad and his wife are travelling over to see me tomorrow and my flat looks like somebody has been fly tipping here (they have; i'm somebody). wish me luck!

tagging, play or nay: fuck, who did i tag last time?! uh let's have @petrichoravellichor @rauko-is-a-free-elf @crack--attack @iscarusholmes @ohhalefire @ltleflrt @mjulmjul @floral-cas @lenaospinka @puhnatsson @halinski @catboyadamparrish @flitwickslittlebrotha @we--are---not--afraid @dilflanlynch @warynerd @permanentlyjaskier @misterstalker and @wilwheaton (promise you're not a last resort buddie, you just popped into my head). plus anybody else who i could be tagging but am forgetting bc i have hardcore brain fog leave me alone. oh and anybody who doesn't recognise this url my main is @all-or-nothing-baby :))

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[dxmedstudent]

Hey dx. Hope you're well. I don't know if you remember this ask, but I'm the anon who asked a few months ago about supporting a friend in med school with depression and finding it a bit much. A lot has happened since then. She's sadly left med school and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Currently she doesn't really have stable periods and is either high or low. I got kind of ok with having boundaries with texting etc/meet-ups only when actually able to. Part 1

Part 2. Anon supporting friend here. Recently she’s been high and has been messaging me nearly all day every day/asking if I’m there if I take time to reply/constantly updating me on what she’s doing/sending me all her family pictures. I’m finding it really stressful and overwhelming, tried turning off my notifications yesterday but still keeps going. My own anxiety is flaring up and I’m stressed hugely with workload.

Part 3. Anon supporting friend. I’ve told her I take time to reply because I’m stressed/overwhelmed and yet the messages keep coming. I know she’s hypomanic/manic so she probably sees things in a different perspective atm and forgets that it’s too much. I’m wondering whether it’s worth asking her to please message a little less as I find it overwhelming to get so many messages each day, or whether it will just not work as she isn’t in her right mind. Part 4. She has got professional help in place. She’s fallen out with her other friends because they don’t message her when she’s low etc/her best friend has distanced herself from her because she doesn’t know what to say. I don’t want to not be friends but I need to work something out! I’m trying to remember she’s ill but I’m starting to feel unwell too. Any advice?! PS. I know this is an extremely long ask and that you’re very busy, so please take your time if you need            

Hey, I’m glad to hear from you again. I’m so sorry for my late reply; I rread your ask at the time, and thought about it a lot. But I had to take some time to process my own life problems and mental health, and I couldn’t really give most of my asks the time or energy they deserved, so I had to leave them until they could. Which is kind of the theme of this ask, ironically. But I hope late is better than never.  Thank you for your message at the end of your ask, it’s very much appreciated :) I’m so sorry that your friend’s going through a rough time, and that you are, too. I’m so sorry to hear that she left med school; bipolar is a truly difficult illness, she has been on a really tough journey.  I’m glad she has professional support; that’s always a huge deal because the right treatment and support can revolutionise people’s lives. I’ve seen it, and though I don’t think the way we treat mental health is perfect, I do think we can do so much good by acknowledging mental illness and treating it properly. And taking people seriously. I’m glad to hear you started to work out some boundaries that worked for you; it’s tough, but it’s good to hear that you made some progress, even if it doesn’t always work out as  well as you hope, it’s still progress. You’re right to put your own wellbeing first; it’s hard for us to support others if we’re being brought to a mental breakdown ourselves. It’s a hard lesson for us to learn, but you can’t serve others with a broken/empty cup. I think it’s a really fair idea to turn off notifications to avoid overloading yourself. She can keep going; thats OK. You can’t control your friend’s mania, or how ‘full on’ they are; perhaps not even they can. Unfortunately, that’s part of the illness. And it seems you understand that well, deep inside. She might process things differently, and I think you’re an excellent friend for doing your best to support them, and understand what they are going through. I’m putting this under a cut because it’s long.

Everyone reacts differently to being told the truth, so only you will know how they might respond. Sometimes we can just tell people ‘sorry, I’m not feeling well so I might not respond much’. Sometimes we invent excused to be kind or because we aren’t ready to talk about the entire story; in my view, in personal* settings, it’s OK to tell white lies not to hurt people sometimes. I’ve told friends I’ve been sick or oncall when I couldn’t attend events because I was physically exhausted or not feeling well, because I really cared about seeing them but didn’t want them to think I was not coming because I was not bothered. However, with close friends I’m honest, and the vast majority of the time, if I say I’m oncall, it’s because I’m actually oncall. I don’t like fibbing, and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, so it’s a fine line, but I’d rather feel a bit guilty than make others feel bad. It might be OK if you tell her that you sometimes need time to reply because you are overwhelmed; have you ever discussed your own mental health issues with them? Do they get that you get really anxious or overwhelmed? It might depend on how much insight they have into their own state right now, and perhaps it’d be difficult for them to moderate how they act, or how they feel about it.  However, if you find yourself having to take quite a bit of time to yourself, don’t feel shy to just tell them “I’m not ignoring, you, I just wasn’t feeling well and had to take a break, I’m listening now”. Or you could say “I care about all your messages, and I always read them all, but sometimes I can’t reply to them all at once because I’m busy/overwhelmed/tired/unable to process it all”. If they get upset because you haven’t replied, it might help to reassure them that you do care (because this is, deep down, what they fear”, and that you care about their wellbeing, but that other issues in your life have been stressing you out, too. And that you just didn’t want to bother them with your stress, so needed to take some time out. There are ways of discussing it that don’t outright lay the blame on them, or make out that they are the cause of your problems, when it’s not true, and therefore avoids making them feel guilty for things outside of their control. Something can be not the cause of our problems/stress and still be overwhelming, and if you’re able to be honest with them, I think that’s a good way to put it across.  As well as the idea that in order to be truly there for them, and have enough energy and time to be able to support them, sometiems you need to take time out to process the other things in your life. Work, uni, family, love life, etc, whatever it is. Telling someone “I have a lot of thigns in life that are stressing me out, and draining my energy, and sometimes I need to take some time out to process/fix them, and rest before I can chill with you and help you, and be happy with you, because otherwise I’d spend my time with you stressed and miserable and might make you feel worse” makes sense. I can’t say if that would work for your friend, but I feel a lot of people would understand that. In the end, I am sure they care about you, too. But because of their own illness and issues, deep down they are probably terrified of losing you too. They know that their illness can make things harder for them, harder for those around them, and they probably feel really bad about that; we all beat ourselves up over stuff like that. Reminding them that you care, and want to be there, and want to be strong and rested so you don’t bring them down with your own problems is actually a kindness to them. I remember publishing a similar ask/anwer/post by someone else who answered a similar question, because it reminded me of you and your ask. I hope you saw that, it might be tagged under my #mental health and medicine tag. You come across as a supportive, loving friend who is doing their best, please don’t feel guilty if you have to put yourself first. I hope you and your friend take the time you need to heal. * In professional settings, we’re bound by the rules of probity. We don’t lie in medicine. TBH my parents raised us to NEVER LIE, which makes working in medicine easier because I’m a terrible gulty fibber who likes to follow all the rules and who doesn’t even like parking in the wrong place, much less anything exciting.            

[slippery-minghus]

i'm wondering if i need to look into going on anti depressants again... ever since my job started getting fucked up a few months ago i've really been in a funk...

but i've been resisting being on meds for years because i feel that their effectiveness is so impossible to gauge. part of me doesnt believe antidepressants work at all....

i just wish i could snap out of this depression funk. and i know better than to think i can do that and i know better than to think i shouldn't be having depressive symptoms since i'm not being abused anymore. but that doesnt change the fact that i feel like what i'm experiencing right now can't possibly be depression. and i only am thinking it is because my mom suggested it... i just have zero energy and motivation, and doing even one (1) thing exhausts me for days. and i'm hust trying to accept that that's my limit and i'll have to structure my life around either not doing things and wasting away or being constantly overwhelmed and miserable. but if i go on meds maybe i wont have to deal with that so much.

it's just that the four times i've been on meds that wasnt my experience. i honestly don't know what about being on zoloft the first time "worked" for me, and i went through so many changes while i was on it that i probably would have felt better anyway... and the second time i was on it i didn't notice any changes, beyond how it affected my dreams. welbutrin made me hypomanic and i almost relapsed on my ed so that wasn't good... and the whole reason i was on it was bc my doc wanted to put me on a med that would give me more energy... which, yanno, i need now. and when i took prozac, literally nothing happened. i know that these three drugs are only the tip of the iceberg, but i feel like if i didn't get at least a tiny bit of good out of them then theres no hope for antidepressants ever helping me.