#I don't like putting my feelings or mental health on blast on the internet anymore but i wanted to vent out..🩷🍵

[plushk1tty]

venting moment

TW self harm talk 🍵. . .

[underturnedapplecart]

Good Morning,

I feel like I want to die and can't tell anyone.

Two days ago, an internet troll took two solid days to run my name through the mud. He peppered me with calls, laugh reacts, etc. …That's not so bad, except.

Except I ran out of money this week. Except I found out this house has an end date. Except everything is falling apart in my real life, and the only friends I have are on Facebook.

So now, going online to talk about my very real mental issues feels dangerous. I thought my Facebook circle limited to people who would, at the very least, -let- me be crazy. I even dropped over 350 people when I switched accounts. I only added safe folks. Or so I thought, because he started out encouraging. And took offense that I didn't thank him. I used Matthew 6 1:4 on this Christian to remind him not to ask for gratitude openly on Facebook, and he went for two days about how nasty a person I am, who doesn't do anything for himself, and how I will be asking for money soon. …He really did pick the wrong target. A slew of my mutual friends came to each of his posts, with screenshots and evidence that I'm just a quiet generous person having a mental health crisis. (In one case, a friend admitted that I had given them money, so I admitted that I'd given hundreds to different people over the past year.) Most of my friends on Facebook have been reassuring, but… One has declined to see me at all while I'm here, so I have no St. Louis friends to see anymore outside of the ones I'm visiting. (This should be normal, right?) I do need money, and tbh if I asked for it, I'd likely get enough to leave the state. It's not about principle, though…

He just dragged up that I was taught to never ask for money, ever. I ask for help, they offer money, I take that. If no one offers money, then I just get by with whatever people offer me. And so here I am in St. Louis with barely enough money to get to Little Rock, and trying to get back to Florida, and I can't ask anyone for help anymore. My last place where I felt open to talk about my problems was poisoned in my mind, now that Facebook is re-drama'd.

No one here seems to be inclined to help, but instead they seem to pity me. That's what it feels like. They pity me, that I have nothing and no one and they'd help if they could but they don't have anyone or anything to give me. Jessie sent me a few job leads for the area. I put in for a part time Sound Guy job at the Y, "For while I'm here with my parents." If I have that job at the Y, even part time, I can save to get out without much help from the Jessie & Mike. One week is enough for the train ticket(s) I need. Two weeks to break the trip up. Three weeks and I could take a sleeper car halfway.

My reasonable goals are still intact, and my plan is still here, but…I didn't realize that my hosts were looking forward to my departure at all. Last night while I was asleep, Jessie sent a text reminding me to be quiet in the morning, that they were sleeping in for a long day today. They didn't need any singing or affirmations. This is what my life is like, though…anyway, I've tried to keep it down. Dressed quietly for my walk. And…I set the alarm off.

I'm utterly embarassed. I spent the first fifteen minutes just utterly frozen in fear as Mike dashed around the house doing several alarm things. I had already turned it off - I knew the code - but I could tell he didn't want to be up but needed to check everything. He left the alarm off. The next fifteen minutes were in tears as I slowly undressed from my walk. It's windy. Snow blasting my face. I didn't want to go far, so I only walked to the driveway and back. I walked back in the door and the alarm went off…I didn't know I had to go hit the code right away, and the thing screeched us all awake. It's been an hour or so now. I want to eat, but I'm afraid of making too much noise. And I don't feel wanted here. And I feel like I'm trapped and unsafe. I am safe here. I know this! I could fall apart and I'm safe here. Except people will now be on me, every single day, to meet their expectations, and I don't believe that I can.

I'm trying to get a job and I even have an informal interview planned.

The point is, I can fuck up BAD here and still probably be OK. Alright?

[garfinkelstingle]

social media au | timothee chalamet

pairing: timothee chalamet x fem!reader

a/n: hii! wanted to let you guys know right away, since i'm not a super fan of maude's i have no clue what her cats names are and i didn't really find anything on the internet, so for this au's sake i named the cats what i would consider naming my own cats if i ever got any! hope you guys don't mind that too much :) also i have not watched a single episode of euphoria so i hope i didn't do anyone too dirty but sorry in advance if i did lmao

masterlist

yourinstagram

liked by tchalamet, sydney_sweeney and others

yourinstagram the cat and crazy lady say hi

view all 309,383 comments

yourfan21 dont know who's cuter you or dibbles 🥺

yourfan84 i wish my cat would let me take pictures with her, the second i put a camera in front of her she just starts hissing :(

anguscloud i would like to make it clear that you having a cat isn't what actually warrants you calling yourself a crazy lady

* liked by yourinstagram

euphoriafan02 petition for lexi to have a cat in euphoria simply for the extra y/n with kitties content!!!!!!

tchalamet favorites

yourinstagram not quite sure which one of us misses you more atm

*liked by tchalamet

timmyfan73 you two are beyond adorable i honestly cant 😭😭

tchalamet

liked by yourinstagram, zendaya and 2,392,104 others

tchalamet copycat

view all 283,422 comments

timmyfan62 not timmy remaking y/n's post they really are soulmates huh?????

yourfan19 where's dibbles???

tchalamet @ home with mom

timmyfan03 pls adopt me i'm begging you i promise i'll be good you don't even have to potty train me i swear!

yourinstagram dibbles thinks that i did it better

tchalamet tell dibbles no belly rubs for at least a day when i get back

yourinstagram ok pretty sure dibbles just changed her mind and made you her new favorite human. rude.

callmebyyourfan83 when are we getting cmbyn2 ????? cause i honestly can't wait anymore at this point

tomholland2013 hope you don't mind me for copying the hair mate

*liked by tchalamet

timmyfan92 y/n's the luckiest girl on the planet to be dating someone this handsome i mean honestly it should be a crime to be this hot

yourfan01 lol have you seen y/n????? they're both equally stunning, let's just leave it at that

* liked by yourinstagram

elleusa

liked by tchalamet, yourinstagram and 29,394 others

elleusa Spring is officially in the house, so pack your bags and pick some apples with yourinstagram. For ELLE's April issue, the next-gen actress demonstrates the patterns and flows you should be looking out for this spring, and also talks to us all things being in a hit-show like Euphoria and dating someone in the limelight- for three years straight now! Link in bio for the full shot + article!

view all 3,284 comments

yourfan53 oh to be an apple picked by y/n...

timmyfan98 love how kindly she spoke of timmy she really really loves him huh 🥺

yourinstagram had a blast talking to you guys! thanks for having me :)

*liked by elleusa

euphoriafan23 what's everyone's favorite bit from the article and why is it y/n saying that "timothee grounds me in ways i never thought another person could. he gives me peace throughout all the craziness that's happening in my life, and he makes me grateful for everything that has happened so far, even on the bad days, because i never would've met him had i just given up when things started to get hard. i love him for that, and i always will."

yourfan77 i still haven't recovered from that and i don't think i ever will,,, y/n has always struggled with her mental health and timmy really seems to help her cope with so much!!!!!

timmyfan64 what's best is that timothee has also said on more than one occasion that y/n helps him so much whenever he feels anxious and panicky!!! they really are a match made in heaven 🥺♥️

*liked by yourinstagram

sydney_sweeney

liked by yourinstagram, tchalamet and 2,492,194 others

sydney_sweeney bestie <3

view all 201,493 comments

euphoriafan82 so lucky to have you beautiful queens portraying cassie and lexi!!!!!!! love you girls!!!!!

*liked by sydney_sweeney

zendaya ♥️

yourinstagram you're missing from the picture z ♥️

*liked by sydney_sweeney, zendaya

euphoria gorgeous gorgeous girls

sydneyfan82 you two really are the most beautiful human beings ever i am so jealous of y'alls bf's like what do they have that i don't (except for money, looks and successful carreers)????

yourinstagram i'd like to know what i was going for because the wave? definitely in the top 5 most awkward things i have ever done in my life

tchalamet it looks more as if you're going for a high five with yourself lol

yourinstagram did i ask for your opinion? no >:(

tchalamet sorry baby

*liked by yourinstagram

euphoriafan38 season 3 of euphoria when????? need more of you two on screen together asap!!!!!!

entertainmentweekly

liked by yourinstagram and 38,291 others

entertainmentweekly Timothee Chalamet grazes this months cover of Entertainment Weekly and tells us all about what it's like portraying the iconic character of Willy Wonka, having (maybe) one too many cats and trying to keep life as private as possible with his lovely girlfriend Y/N Y/LN. Link in bio for the full article!

view all 1,393 comments

timmyfan27 my boy is looking a little extra fine today doesn't he

timmyfan18 brb gonna go and order a lifesize cutout of the first picture bc i have never seen anything hotter in my entire life

yourinstagram what a fine specimen of a human being ♥️

yourfan39 y/n or #1 timothee chamalet stan?

yourinstagram definitely the latter

timmyfan04 i love y/n but if i ever had the chance to fight her hunger games style knowing that the prize was timmy's love and affection... let's just say i wouldn't hold back

dunefan22 loved the article! very tastefully written :)

yourinstagram

liked by tchalamet, hunterschafer and others

yourinstagram date night w/ bae ♥️

view all 492,283 comments

yourfan13 how is y/n a solid 25 on a 1-10 hotness scale?????

alexademie hot stuff

*liked by yourinstagram

tchalamet my date > your date

yourinstagram probably, yeah ;)

*liked by tchalamet

yourfan65 bestie you in that dress???? i'm not strong enough for this, i'm really really not... my one true weakness wbk 😔

timmyfan27 actually saw them at carbone's yesterday lol. looked absolutely smitten with each other! didn't take pictures cause i wanted to respect their privacy

*liked by yourinstagram

yourfan18 how is nobody commenting on timothees photography skills???? if my boyfriend would take pictures like this of me i would marry him immediately!!! instead all i get is blurry trash 🥲

tchalamet

liked by yourinstagram, florencepugh and 3,281,394 others

view all 231,492 comments

timmyfan36 i still haven't recovered from this look and honestly i don't think that i ever want to

timmyfan94 ladies and gentleman, this is what i call a SERVE!!!!!

yourinstagram i love how you think you're too cool for a caption. like go king give us nothing (literally, since you're not even wearing a shirt) 🙄🙄

tchalamet you're just jealous that you couldn't go because you chose to get sick the day before the oscars

yourinstagram first of all, i didn't choose to do anything 😾 second of all, it's rude that you went out to have fun without me. unacceptable.

tchalamet don't worry, it wasn't even nearly as fun as it would've been had you been by my side love

*liked by yourinstagram

timmyfan82 i know the world is in shambles right now, but looking at this picture of my best boy timmy makes it all that much more bearable 🥺

florencepugh nice shirt ti- oh wait

*liked by tchalamet

yourfan13 really sad we didn't get to see you and y/n walk the red carpet together, but i'm sure we'll get to see it some day soon!!

tchalamet

liked by yourinstagram, marthahunt and 4,192,495 others

tchalamet forever home

view all 521,394 comments

timmyfan28 i'm sorry i'm not okay because what??????

yourfan05 y/n looks so happy too like yes miss girl it's what you deserve 😭

anguscloud don't tell me y'all got another cat???

yourinstagram the cat limit does not exist, angus

*liked by anguscloud

timmyfan99 you can't even begin to imagine how happy i am that timmy finally found his person and that she makes him so, so happy 🥺 he deserves the world and y/n is really giving it to him

*liked by yourinstagram

yourinstagram forever and always, mon coeur ♥️

*liked by tchalamet

yourfan17 i better be invited to the wedding otherwise i'm throwing hands

timmyfan04 WHY IS NOBODY ASKING WHAT THE NAME OF THE NEW KITTY IS BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO KNOW

yourinstagram it's lola!!

timmyfan04 omg queen thank you so much for noticing me and for letting me know i'm genuinely shook rn

[bassistrosetta-blog]

I may be mean, but I DO have empathy and sympathy.

Well, it's 5 in the morning and I'm wide awake. I was told not to respond to all the mean things people said about me on the internet, especially when I'm in an angry frame of mind, well I didn't listen. And it didn't make me feel any better. I erased them eventually. Now that I am in a calm state of mind and I've been taking my meds dilegently, I think I can explain my feelings without anyone getting too offended. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I can't force you to agree, but fact is this is how I feel. Sorry.

I deleted my Facebook recently. Writing my thoughts impulsively or when I am triggered was pretty much always a habit, starting with my Xanga in like 2005. It comes from extreme anger, dispair, desperation and just crying for help. I recently got kicked out of my band because of this habit. It reminded me that not many people like me and it's mainly because of my posts. People think they know me just because they read my posts, but they're wrong. So wrong. Then they think they have the right to spread rumors about how I am a terrible person. It happens so much I actually believe people when they call me a bitch, an asshole, an attention whore, trash and just an overall shitty person. Just because of my posts, especially the mean ones. I FUCKING HATE IT when people say it's not my bipolar disorder, I am just being an asshole. Well I'll tell you all that I take full responsibility for my actions and live with the consequences once I realize I'm wrong. Ask my family and my boyfriend. I can be an asshole when I'm manic, depressed or feeling normal, so I'm not gonna blame the blasting people on facebook on my bipolar disorder. I get psycho sometimes. Idk. But you all come off judging me like you have a PhD or something. NO ONE can tell me I'm being an asshole and it's not caused by my bipolar except for my psychiatrist and maybe my counselor. Not you.

Yes, I regret my posts that either blast people out of anger or expose my desperation and dispair. I'll admit it, I fucked up time after time. Consqeuently, I am embarrassed, humiliated and my sorrys don't mean anything anymore because people experience my bullshit all the time. My sincere apologies are outdated and I get it. These are the consequences.

I am envious, I am angry, I am insecure, then I'm cocky, I'm no role model. I don't want people to believe that what I do is okay. I take my own risk when I post what I am feeling, but I should write a book, not put it on facebook. People don't care and when they do it bothers them I guess because mental health is a touchy subject. On rare occasions, I have someone message me saying thank you for posting how I feel because they are reminded they're not alone. That makes me feel good. Imagine if I wrote a book instead? 😌

As for putting people on blast. I will carry that burden for years to come. I dug my own grave. My reputation is kind of screwed up here in the valley. Either people don't care or people are talking shit about me left and right. I'm aware. I sometimes get episodes of paranoia because of it. I go to a gig and I cant tell who hates me and who's against me. Who read my posts and who didn't. I carry a knife with me because I feel like people are out to get me. I'm always peaking out the window and making sure my cutians are shut. The anxiety is horrible. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody, not even the people I've blasted. So yes, I do suffer as a result of my actions because I have some empathy and some sympathy. I am not a sociopath. I have empathy towards people with mental illness. I have sympathy when I am not angry toward those I've hurt. I am sorry, but like I said, apologies mean nothing now. You could say what I've done is unforgivable. I understand the error of my actions. I asked a past psychiatrist (cause I've had many) if I have borderline personality disorder instead but after much evaluation, she insisted I have bipolar disorder 1, not a personality disorder. This means I have some control over my actions so people should not feel sorry for me. Bipolar is treatable and my 6 medications are working just fine for me rn. I'd like to try cbd oil one day though. 🤔

I am currently seeing a counselor about my anger issues. I'm working to improve myself now that I'm aware of my errors. I started out by deleting my Facebook, but I still blast a little on instagram but not as much I think. Idk. I will have to fix that. I want to be a way better person, mostly for my music career, my family and myself. If I fix it, I'll be happier. And who doesn't want to be happy? 🥰

Thanks for reading

Ileana xo💋