#I didn't study at joshua university what can I say

[scramble-crossing]

no please tell us your joshua thoughts i insist

You’ve hit me at a crucial moment of procrastination and utter dread. ON HIS BIRTHDAY.  Ideal circumstance to talk about Joshua.

Right off the bat though I’ve gotta say that a lot of this is probably not the most canon-adherent stuff and also only Josh-adjacent in some cases since I tend to focus on how he relates to other characters + the series’ worldbuilding over his actual self-contained character. I like him and all I just have the most fun using him as a narrative tool for the characters I like a little more ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

First of all, I usually put Joshua as having died and become Composer sometime between 1900-1920 following a near-and-dear headcanon that Kariya became a Reaper during the cultural shift of the 1920s with the advent of the salaryman lifestyle-if you’re going to sell your soul for guaranteed work it might as well come with the perk of being able to spend most of your existence lazing around the city instead of being boxed up in some itty-bitty cubical.

However this is mostly based on the assumption that Joshua predates all of the Shibuya Reapers. Otherwise they would recognize him, right? In opposition to this I really really love the headcanon that all trace of a person’s existence is erased from both the RG and UG upon becoming Composer (or any position higher than Conductor). In that case I think it’d be fun if Joshua came shortly after Kariya. They knew each other at some point.

^When Kariya confronted him and Neku in W2 Josh had a brief moment of “Holy shit does he remember me?” before Kari said he was alive and he got the biggest, shit-eatingest grin on his face. Yippiiiiie!!! Oily Josh has wriggled his way out of consequences once again!!!!

(Kariya is aware that there was a change in Composer sometime during his run as a Reaper. He sensed the city shift with it. The way it sings now, it’s almost…familiar? He doesn’t think about it too deeply, it saddens him a bit if he does)

Speaking of Josh & Friends, @starocide has a ton of very very fun ideas about Joshua and Coco being partners during their Reaper’s Game and it being the connection mentioned in That One Interview. That’s gonna be a whole separate essay one day, suffice to say for now that the Joshua from A New Day was reminiscent of the person he used to be, but twisted by Coco into a mocking caricature of himself.

(Coco doesn’t remember him, but she knows who he is. Joshua remembers her perfectly, but it doesn’t matter anymore.)

The Toxic Shithead Squad continues with Minamimoto. I have a LOT of thoughts about Joshua and Minamimoto.

By far the most interesting thing about W2 for me is just how much Joshua talks about Mina. Not just talks about, describes. He’s a math fetishist (rude) he’s an attention-seeker (rude…but fair) he’s the magic word I’ve been thinking about for the past two years: lonely. I think it’s incredibly interesting how many judgments of character Joshua makes about this guy despite the fact that we’re given no inclination to treat him as some sort of cat-whisperer or someone who’s in a position to understand Minamimoto at all. For the pure intrigue of it I like to see a lot of these calls as being accurate (idc if it’s cliche or corny, imply to me that Sho, somewhere in his heart of hearts, craves companionship and I will eat that shit up) but I also think that it’s equally interesting to question why Josh’s making these calls in the first place. Where's this stuff coming from? Why does he keep acting like he knows exactly what he's thinking?

I think Joshua sees a lot of himself in Minamimoto. Here’s a kid who’s deeply dissatisfied with the world around him, someone who thinks so little of other people that he, in his arrogance, is willing to reject every different thought, opinion, and action, shunning the people around him, treating them as little more than bugs he’s willing to step on in his all-consuming quest for the power to make something better than before: the world as it ends with him. Minamimoto isn’t just pursuing Joshua, he’s following his every footstep. Joshua sees this, recognizes it (though maybe not consciously) so that when he erases him he isn’t ridding himself of a potential threat or batting away this annoying little gnat that keeps interfering with his plans, symbolically he’s destroying himself. And if anything, isn’t that an act of mercy? Wouldn’t it be better to be dead than to waste away on his throne, watching a world he no longer recognizes slowly pass him by? Isn’t that what he wanted all along?

I think Joshua's story ended perfectly with twewy. I don't think there was anything left unresolved about it, and frankly I'm glad he barely had anything to do with the plot of neo. He made his choice. Was it the wrong one? Was there ever another option? Did he ever have a chance? Who knows! He's a walking worst-case-scenario and I love seeing how detached and apathetic he's become in neo, how he never let himself connect with Neku even though he gave him the chance (which was so, so much more than Joshua could ever have asked for), how Neku doesn't even seem to trust him anymore, how he's become little more than an anecdote in his life and the lives of is friends, a passing comment, a joke, a distant, sour memory. It's fantastic. I love Hachiko gang. I love fan content where they're all friends and Josh is this cryptic little sillyguy who has fun pushing all their buttons but is deeply unequivocally loved at the end of it all, but I hope that never happens in canon. I hope he stays a tragedy.

Happy birthday you little freak <3

[bubonickitten]

Who’s your favourite character in the magnus archives?

Ooooh that's a tough one. Probably sounds like a cop-out but I genuinely found things to like about all of the main cast?? One of the things I latch onto the most is character development, and they all had some really amazing journeys in that way.

My favorites to write and analyze in depth are Jon and Martin, so I might say they're my favorites...?

[TMA spoilers below the cut]

Like, Jon's ADHD ass is first of all very relatable but more than anything I love the GROWTH he goes through?? This man went through so much trauma and faced such unimaginable cruelty and he STILL never stopped caring. He hurt people, yeah -- p much everyone in the podcast does at one point or another -- but he acknowledged it when he did, and even when it would've been easy to just... give in and be monstrous, to just say "fuck it" and live up to the expectations everyone had of him, he made a concerted effort to do better, even when no one acknowledged his progress, even when no one was willing to support him or encourage him or believe he was worth saving.

And I can never say enough about Martin's diehard "so what if the universe doesn't care, that just means we have to pick up the slack" stance towards nihilism. It's not even toxic positivity, it's fully "yeah shit's fucked, the heat death of the universe is inevitable, but I'll STILL fight Jon's shitty self-esteem AND all fourteen, possibly fifteen cosmic evils on the hill of Our Experiences Matter, and the entire time I will be delightfully bitchy about it, no I do not take constructive criticism', who wants to go first?"

Of course I also love Georgie and Melanie and everything about WTGFs. And Gerry, my beloved. And, god, I love Tim and Sasha (I thrive on S1 before-shit-hit-the-fan archives crew content!! and everyone lives/nobody dies AUs, and literally anything involving reconciliation btwn Jon and Tim).

And Basira -- as much as I'd get mad at her sometimes, her words and actions always made sense to me within the context of her characterization and situation, and I love how she and Jon are sort of on the same wavelength re: dark humor and being incorrigible nerds. (I'm having a lot of fun writing them in my current time travel AU, because given the time to heal and the space to actually communicate, I feel they could be friends. Not outwardly affectionate per se, but like... idk, their platonic love language would probably be something like picking apart the flawed methodology of a shitty study and half-jokingly writing a scathing letter to the editor about how wrong the authors are until Daisy gets bored of being the third wheel and demands they all play Mario Kart or something.)

And I'm obsessed with Jon and Daisy' weird post-Buried friendship and just... they were literally the only two people in the Archives who really understood the struggle to resist feeding their respective patrons, but they also didn't make excuses for each other, and -- I genuinely loved the confirmation that Jon never actually forgave her and didn't sugarcoat her past actions. They probably never would have become friends under any normal circumstances, but given what they had to work with, they built something based on mutual support and accountability and a refusal to engage in the sort of denial that the people around them occasionally did.

In terms of side characters, I still maintain that if Adelard Dekkar knew Jonah's plans from the start he would've astrally projected himself into Elias' office and strangled him to death with his own tie, pseudo-immortality be damned. Replace every Chuck Norris joke ever written with Adelard Dekkar, I s2g.

I also must give an honorable mention to our second ever statement giver, the trope-subverting MVP of "I Am Not LOOKING, I Do Not See It", the king of NOT fucking around and finding out, our gentleman of perpetual staying in his own lane: Joshua Gillespie, gold medal winner of NOT being the first to die in a horror story. What a legend.

aaa I'm rambling. Basically there's a lot to love, both in an 'I am fond of this character's delightful quirks' way and in a 'wow this is good character development from a writing perspective' way.

[starlightxsvt]

The Tale Of A Coffee Shop

Pairing: Joshua x Female reader

Genre: Fluff, slight crack, bad attempt at romance, this is just bad

Warnings: Slight cursing

Word count: Idk, it's pretty long

8:35 am.

He should be here anytime. Your palms sweat, foot taps excitedly against the floor of the cafe. Though there's a lack of mirror, you try to smooth your hair with your hands, unnaturally cautious about your appearance.

"Calm down. It's not like he's gonna propose you or shit."

You turn to face your coworker who has a less than amused expression on her face. "Am I that obvious?"

"Duh. It's like written all over your face. Chill already y/n, he's just a man passing by. You don't even know his last name."

Your hopes shrink slightly though you are surprised at yourself. What are you actually hoping for? Him to ask you out? Your coworker is right, he's just a man passing by. Except, he's  regular customer who's insatiably handsome and makes you all jittery.

The said male is Joshua, an English professor at the popular university near the cafe. That's all you know about him. He happened to pass by your workplace one spring morning, looking for a quick jolt of caffeine to start the day and he's been visiting ever since. He visits the cafe 3 days a week, around 8:30 in the morning, ordering his usual plain latte.

After the first couple visits, you made small talk with him and all he offered was his name and profession. He always seemed to in a hurry or busy but he was always polite.

And the most handsome man you have ever seen. He had luscious black locks which were  somehow messy yet neatly arranged and touched the nape of his neck. His eyes always seemed to sparkle, hiding a galaxy of their own. High cheekbones, a perfect jawline, plump lips and to complete it all,an adams apple - he had it all.

His outfits were always neat and perfect, sometimes a trench coat covering a turtle neck, sometimes an unbuttoned blazer over a plain tee and of course, a wrist watch. Sometimes he'd wear glasses, big metal frames covering those eyes and those days you'd melt into a puddle on the inside. He looked so damn hot.

The bell at the door of the cafe chimes and your ears perk up, eyes moving to that direction.

He's here.

You try your best not to look like a love struck fool and offer a professional smile. "Welcome, sir."

"Hello, y/n. My usual please." comes his smooth voice and a polite smile.

"Yes sir, coming right up." You mutter, trying not pass out from the way he said your name while putting in his order.

He waits at the corner tapping away on his phone while his latte is prepared. Once it's done, you call his serial number, offering him his drink. "Your latte, sir."

"I've told you before, Joshua is fine."

You stare at him for a bit too long not understanding that he asked you to call him by his name. However, when you realize that, you are a blushing mess, unsure what to reply.

Joshua doesn't say anymore, only offers you a kind smile. And just like that, he's out the door, leaving you feeling warm all over.

"That was the most cringy thing I ever saw." Your co worker's voice brings you to reality. You roll your eyes and continue your work with a smile in your face.

✧

"You seriously need to stop thinking about that dude all the time." You friend says standing in front of you, crossing her arms.

"I do not think of him all the time." You say, ignoring her and squinting at the book in your hands.

"Then great. You are coming to the club with me tonight. I'll introduce you to some guys and I don't know... get you laid."

"Excuse me?"

"Okay okay, not get laid, just... Meet some guys you know, what's the harm in that? Do you wanna die virgin?"

"I-"

"Don't." She holds up her hands signaling you to stop. "You are coming. It's final. Thank me later when you find a hot dude."

✧

Hot dude my ass. You stare at the drink you got after getting away from your friends who were having too much fun getting drunk. You had almost zero alcohol tolerance and you knew that you had to stay sober to get them home safely.

As you had expected, none of the guys your friend introduced you to piqued your interest. You realized what a bad idea it was to come to the club rather than staying at home, curled up reading your favorite book. As the thrum of the music continued to blast through the club your thought only proved to be truer. But your friends wasn't leaving this place anything soon.

Damn you hated it here.

You realize someone sitting down on the barstool next to yours but don't look up, too busy tracing the edge of the glass in front of you with your fingers. It's until you move your head to take a swing of your drink that you take notice of the person beside you.

A small squeak leaves your mouth as you look at the man sitting beside you, thinking that the couple drinks you had got to you and started playing with your mind.

It was him. Joshua. The English professor.

You quickly cast your eyes back on your drink but then glance a peek at his direction just to make sure.

Of course it's him.

Joshua sits there, oblivious to his surroundings, eyes on his phone. Your heart races. What is he doing here? Did he notice you?

You swallow, trying to calm your beating heart. Why do I feel like this? Maybe he didn't even notice me, I'll just finish this drink and leave.

You take another tentative glance at him, who is still busy on his phone. His hair looks a little bit messier than usual and his face looks a bit tired. He has his jacket draped across his lap and the white tee shirt he's wearing gives you a nice view of his arms. You don't realize you are staring unabashedly until he speaks, "Penny for your thoughts?"

A squeak leaves you and you almost fall off the stool.

"You've staring for quite a while. What is on your mind?" he says, putting down his phone and turning towards you.

You let your head hang low as a wave of embarrassment washes over you. "I'm sorry," you whisper.

"No don't be. Funny meeting you here though."

You look up to meet his eyes and it feels like your heart has traveled to your throat as you try to come up with a reply. "Y-yeah."

"You don't seem to be enjoying yourself."

"I-... Yes, I'm not."

He chuckles softly and reaches for his drink as the bartender places it front of him.

"What brings you here?"

"Well, um, my friend wanted to introduce me to some guys so she dragged me here with her and none of the guys piqued my interest and I didn't like sitting with them so I'm here."

You really need to stop talking.

Another soft chuckle escapes him and he asks, "What kind of guys pique your interest then?"

You. You do.

"I... I'm not really thinking about dating right now, I'll graduate next month and I want to focus on finishing college and getting a good job." 

"I see. What is your major?" he asks.

And that leads to a rather long conversation between you and him,which you obviously didn't mind, about your major -literature- and what inspired you to study that and so on. Since the both of you studied the same subject you had a lot of common grounds to talk about.The conversation went on and you felt happier than ever. You really needed to thank your friend for dragging you here.

And just when you think that, you hear her voice, "Y/n!"

Oh shit.

She appears behind you, a drunk mess and rests her head on your shoulder garbling drunk nonsense. You realized it was time to go before she embarrassed both of you in front of Joshua. You stand up abruptly and give an awkward nod to Joshua to looks at the two of you with an amused expression.

As you drag your friends to their car, there's a tinge of disappointment that you couldn't be with him longer but also an excitement that fate had given you such a chance.

✧

Couple days later Joshua arrives earlier than his usual time at the cafe. You were clearing orders for the first few customers and when you look up hearing his voice, you swear you can die right there happily.

He wasn't in his usual look, rather a black shirt and a black shiny blazer hanging on his arm that matches his pants. His hair was neatly back brushed to one side but some locks managed to escape and you smell a hint of his cologne. You stared at him shamelessly, cheeks flushed.

"Y/n. Y/n?"

"Y-yes?"

"My usual, please."

"Oh, yes... of course."

You fumble, putting in his order and peeking glances at his direction. You knew you were acting like a deprived, shameless woman but you could care less. You don't know if he realized you were checking him out but even if he did, he didn't say anything.

As you hand him his order, he murmurs a thank you and asks, "When do you close?"

"Huh?"

"This cafe. When do you close it?"

"Oh, um, we take customers until about 10 pm. Then we clean up."

"I see. Thank you."

He turns around and leaves, a few heads turning towards him as he does so. You stand there, confused as to why he'd ask that.

"That was a goddamn piece of snack right there. " your co worker chirps as Joshua leaves the cafe.

"Seriously?" You raise a brow at her.

"It's fucking true. I mean look at him. He has heads turning around as he walks by."

You couldn't argue with that.

✧

It's almost 10:30 in the night and you are having quite a trouble cleaning up. It's the weekend night and there were more customers than usual, which was the thing you hated about working full-time during the weekends though the payment was good. You wipe the counter, sighing, your back muscles tired from a long day.

The bell at the door rings, slightly irritating you.

Service is over damn it.

The last person you expect, walks through the door. Your mouth hangs open and a small gasp leaves your co worker's mouth as you both stare at the person. It's Joshua.

"I'm sorry, sir, we're closed." You manage the words out.

"Could I maybe,  have a word with you?" He asks, ignoring what you said.

"Uh-um, sure. I- I just have some things to finish up." You stammer, your heart beating way too fast to your liking.

"Good. You don't mind if I sit, do you?"

"N-no, of course not."

You turn to face your co worker who stares at you with wide eyes.

"What the fuck is going on?" She whisper-yells.

"I have no idea!" You reply back.

You finish your work quickly, your heart hammering the whole time. Once you both are finished, your co worker starts to dress up, ready for home. She gives you a good lecture to lock up properly before taking off.

You stand behind the counter trying to even out  your breathes, eyeing Joshua who sits at the table by the window.

You swallow and free your hair from the ponytail, smooth it down and walk over to him.

"H-hey."

"Oh, hey." He looks up at you gesturing you to sit. You take a seat in front of him on the couch. He doesn't say anything but looks at you with a subtle smile.

"You look different," you blurt out, indicating his look.

"Oh yes, I had a meeting at the university."

"On the weekend?"

"Apparently, yes."

"So, uhm, why are you here?" You fidget rubbing your hands together, feeling nervous.

"I wanted to see you." He replies casually.

You almost choke on air.

"Last time we didn't get to finish our conversation and you seemed like an interesting person."

You flush, almost not believing your own years.

Joshua runs his hand through his hair then rests his hand under his chin, looking directly at you.

"I'll be honest with you, you've been on my mind a lot lately, Y/n."

You stare at him, mouth hanging open.

Did he just really say that?

A soft sound comes from outside and you both turn your heads to see it has started to rain outside.

"I want to date you, Y/n."

Holy-

You gasp and a nervous laughter escapes you. "I, um, I- uh..." You don't know what you are trying to say.

He laughs softly, "I know you have a thing for me. Your stares aren't that secretive, you know."

You blush furiously, looking down at your lap, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's cute." He laughs.

You meet his eyes, trying to find out words to say.

"So what do you say?"

"I... mean, we barely know each other... "

"Isn't that why people date?"

"Yea, right."

"Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"No!" You gasp out, afraid that he'll leave. "I just, I don't know what to say."

Joshua offers you a  kind smile and to your surprise he stands up and sits beside you. He softly strokes your hair, his eyes on yours.

"I mean it, I want to date you."

You stare at his eyes, transfixed. The sparkles in his eyes, the fact that he was so close to you made your brain fizzy and heart skip beats.

He softly leans down, his eyes on your lips, "May I?"

Oh my god.

You nod without a delay and he captures your lips in a kiss. He tilts your neck gently cupping behind your ear. Your hands find purchase on the lapels of his jacket as you let him kiss you.

When you pull back, you feel like you are burning from embarrassment. The night is silent other than the sound of rain outside and you are scared that he can hear your heart beat.

"Did I convince you?" He asks tilting your head upwards.

"Yes." You whisper, feeling your insides warm up.

And without thinking much, you grasp his jacket and pull him in for another kiss. You can feel him smile against your lips and it only urges you to go on.

As the night proceeds you rest your head on his shoulder, intertwine your hands with his and watch the rain outside. You felt slightly overwhelmed with joy as you talked with Joshua about anything, your heart skipping beats every now and then. Maybe this is what it felt like to be in love.

You look at his face taking in the details as he softly talks about his favourite novels and such. You only hope you can look at his face and feel his warmth in the coming days.

A/N: Hello everyone, this is my first tumblr fiction so I'm sorry if it wasn't so good. I hope you continue to support my blog. Your comments are really appreciated! >< 💕

[shra-vasti]

MAKES ME WONDER [14/40] The Arrival

→ Synopsis : Your dream to attend a Seventeen concert was finally coming true but you weren't prepared for the events that were going to follow after Joshua made eye contact with you and chose to make you his partner for the mini game and take you out on a date as a winning prize.

→ Genre : fluff, a bit of angst if you squint enough

→ Type : Idol x fan au

→ Word count : 1.2k

→ Taglist : @mngyuheart @vannie24 @uglyratlmao @rjsmochii @dwcljh @noniesgirl @yuriewolfhard @jisungsdreamy @mischeifmakerliesmith5 (let me know if you want to be added to the taglist)

→ Pairing : idol!Joshua x fan!reader

→ Main Seventeen Masterlist 

→ Makes Me Wonder Masterlist 

"I'm sorry Joshua, I know you rarely have free time and I'm doing nothing great by ignoring you from the past couple of days but I'm not doing it on purpose."

Joshua sighed, unable to hide his disappointment this time, he had informed you that his promotions were over and he could talk more with you, but you had been very busy to even talk more than an hour with him and he wondered if this is how you felt whenever he was busy. 

"I know you're not doing it on purpose but I can't help it."

He knew long distance relationships were going to be hard and even harder with the work he had to do and he just now realized that university life wasn't much better and that you were going to be busy sometime around too. 

You were busy with your studies but never too much to ignore him the way you were doing this time around. 

"Joshua, I'm sorry." 

"Don't be, at least I can talk with you now, I hope you aren't too busy now, you seem to have done everything, now talk to me I missed you."

You knew he must be pouting which made you chuckle. 

"Can you text me your address?" 

"Why? You wanna send some surprise gifts to me?" 

You smiled playing with your hair as you thought about it. 

"Kind of, I bet you'll love it."

"Okay I'll send you my address, now tell me how was your day?" 

You frowned knowing you had a lot of packing to do as you thought of the way you could hang up the call. 

"I can't talk with you."

"Why?" 

Even Joshua was shocked at the whine that left his mouth, was he being too childish? But he just missed you so much. 

"Joshua, I'm sorry I've just been too busy and I don't think you'll like what I'm going to say next."

"What?" 

He straightened his back, what was going on inside your mind? He could already feel the heaviness in his heart and stomach. 

"I just wanted to say that I just called you to inform you that I won't be able to call you or text you for the next four days as I have this very important test coming so I may switch off my phone so I don't get distracted, I hope you'll understand."

"Four days without any message or contact? We haven't ever done this before, it's too long at least you could message me you're doing alright and I'll be fine."

"No I can't I'm sorry and by the way you're reacting I think it will be best if I just switch off my phone the entire time."

If this was a joke, Joshua didn't find it funny at all. How was he supposed to not listen to your voice even once before his day ended, was he being too dramatic? But he was already so much attached to you. 

"Fine, do whatever you want to do."

He hung up the call, not giving you a single second to react as he threw his phone on his bed and angrily stomped his leg on the floor. 

"What has gotten into you?" 

Jeonghan eyed Joshua as he passed by his door to go to his own room to rest when he saw Joshua throwing fits inside his room.

"Nothing."

Jeonghan made his way inside Joshua's room and sat down on the mini couch he had. 

"If it's nothing, then why are there so many creases on your face? You had a fight with y/n?" 

Joshua threw him a glare even when he knew Jeonghan wasn't going to be fazed by it even the slightest before sighing and sitting on his bed. 

"We didn't have a fight, she's just busy and I can't help but miss her and now she's saying she can't even talk to me once for another 4 days since he has exams going on."

Jeonghan shook his head giving him a sympathetic look. 

"You need to be understanding with her, she never behaves like this when you are busy."

"But I always made sure to tell her I'm alright."

The glare Jeonghan threw in his direction made him shut up, maybe he was behaving like a child. 

▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️

You didn't reply or call Joshua after he hung up the call, you did feel awful that you had made him feel like you were ignoring him but him being angry would only mean he would wait for your apology and you would do exactly that when you land in Korea. 

For now you were in your flight. 

You contacted Seokmin and Seungkwan for the dorm address since he forgot to send it to you or was just plainly angry at you and didn't want to give you to the address. 

Either way you got what you wanted and you even had time to get permission from the older members if you could live with them for a few days till you found yourself an apartment to live in. 

They were confused as to why you were looking for an apartment when you could just live with them and then go but they understood when you told them you were here because of the study program. 

They said they would help you find the apartment if you let them do some prank on Joshua and you had no choice but to agree with them. You knew it was Jeonghan's idea to prank him but you didn't exactly know what they were going to do. 

"I just hope everything will go back to normal once I arrive."

You put your headphones on and cover your eyes with your eye mask and drift off to sleep knowing it will take much time for you to land in Korea. 

▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️

You got your luggage as you waited to hire a cab or taxi outside of the airport when a car pulled up in front of you, the glass of the car was tinted making it hard for you to see who was inside. 

"Welcome to my country."

Your smile widened when the windows rolled down to see Jeonghan smiling up at you before you felt someone take the bags from your hands. 

You turn your head to see Wonwoo taking the bags from your hands and putting it inside the trunk, both of them had their mask and beanies on so no one would recognize them. 

You thanked both of them, opening the car door and slipping in the backseat. 

"I didn't know you would come pick me up."

"We didn't tell you because we wanted to surprise you."

"Thank you so much, it really means a lot."

"Well to be honest…"

Jeonghan started as you leaned forward to listen to what he had to say. 

"Seungcheol Hyung told us to pick you up since you were new here." 

Wonwoo completed his sentence as he turned in your direction from where he was seated on the passenger seat and smiled at you. 

"Oh he did."

You were surprised that he cared enough to ask the members to pick you up. 

"Yes and we wanted to come pick you up too since I personally like you very much."

You chuckled at Jeonghan's remark before leaning on the seat, your jetlag was going to kill you but you knew seeing Joshua's face in person would be worth the jetlag and you could always sleep in his arms and take rest. 

[hhjs]

baby blue. xu minghao.

part of the shades of blue series.

note ➝ I can't fathom how one might end this with an unhappy ending without wailing in pain. So I will be merciful FGBVN.

song➝ baby by the rose, afraid by the neighbourhood.

There was something astoundingly unsettling about the setting. Something that amplified the deafening thrumming inside the cavity of your chest.

Love doesn't exist. Joshua told you earlier. Sobbing through his phone. Attempting to vent labouriously about his failed attempt at romance. Remembering the exchange had you twisting your fingers under the table cloth. It was needless to say you'd been an excellent overthinker.

You were reading too much into it. But in between the thumps of his champagne chute hitting the table, his constant fiddling with a tie, the heavy frown weighing his mouth down and the arch of his brows, there seemed to an unmistakable sign the universe was catering to you, a sign that said being with you was becoming a chore for him, a sign that coalesced with the voice in your head which chanted and chanted that Minghao was starting to fall out of love.

And you watched him. Carefully. Barely touching your food. Maybe he was just angry with you, with how you couldn't tell yet. But what were you supposed to do with this glaring feeling of losing him? Were you supposed to hold its face, stroke its cheek and tell it a tragic it's okay, you can let go? You can't tell. You can't tell because you've never let yourself picture being apart. But what you can tell, what you do know and what everyone knows is that you've always loved Minghao more. Even though you're worse at showing.

"Let's leave."

You whisper suddenly, surprised by the crack in your voice. You can hardly see behind the glossy curtain blurring your vision out. As though you're trying to peek out of a rainstained window.

Minghao's ears perk up when he studies your face. His gaze softens slightly. Then he finds more interest in staring mindlessly at his watch. He's patting a napkin against his mouth. You imagine he looks relieved, like he was waiting for you to say that.

You don't talk. Even though you know he keeps stealing questioning glances your way. Asking for an explanation without really asking.

"What is going on with you?" Minghao asks, when you've finally buried yourself under your shared duvet.

He's standing at the foot of the bed, his hand placed firmly atop his jutted hip. Because Minghao knows you. He's best familiar with your habit of bottling up your emotions until you've driven yourself to a breaking point. And he expects you to mutter a quiet 'Nothing' like always, to shut him out like always; and he knows his temperament won't permit it tonight. Not when you've ignored him the entire day.

Minghao refuses to be left behind when you wisp off to your darkest place. But then you press your face against his tummy. Hug him close Fingers dragging up his spine. He hisses inaudibly. Slightly unhinged by the coaxing act. "I'm scared." You say slowly, "Of losing you."

The statement is jarring, like a sharp blow to his head. It's the first time you've let him in, like this, curtains pulled apart, a window to peek into the abode of your insecurities. Minghao's heart drops to his stomach.

"You know that's not true." Says he. Truthfully. Honestly. The mattress dips under his weight. He runs a soothing finger through your hair.

"But...please, I just want you to hear me out, alright?" Minghao reaches out to touch your face with a caressing thumb. Foreheads touching. "You skipped dinner. You're not taking care of yourself...baby...you shouldn't...you shouldn't put me before yourself...you shouldn't love me more than you love yoursel-"

"I know I shouldn't."

You don't mean to snap, partially angered by his words in spite of knowing he was right, like he almost always invariably was. But it didn't stop you from disagreeing with him.

You will not let him lecture you about how you ought to love him. About a love he doesn't know. He doesn't get to do that.

"But I will." You shrug and Minghao chuckles, wondering why he finds it so endearing. Low and amused. "I want to." The words come out muffled. He presses his mouth to yours. Dragging your bottom lip back with a nibble, until you're groaning against him. Pulled onto his lap.

"You're so stubborn." He grins. Pleased with the petulant huff you let out.

"But you love me."

You cock your head to the side, still questioning. His tie snugly wrapped around your fingers. Minghao leans back onto his hands. Quite tempted to tell you that it's the most ridiculous question he's ever been asked. That he couldn't not love you even if he tried. That sometimes it's okay if his rationality wanes.

"I do." Instead, he smiles his disarming smiling, looking at you, marvelling, defeated and says, "Unfortunately."

[ahopkins1965]

Spiritual Growth and Encouragement for Christian Women

 

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10 Things I Have to Tell Myself Everyday

Aretha Grant

2020

21 Aug

“This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.” (Joshua 1:8)

Meditating on the word of God is essential to Believers. With all the negativity we're seeing in the news today, we must meditate on the scriptures and speak them over our lives. When we study His word, meditate on it, and apply the verses to our lives, we'll see spiritual growth and renewed strength. Further, meditating on the word will guard our hearts against anger, hatred, unforgiveness, etc.

Let’s take a look at 10 scriptures that we can speak over ourselves daily.

Photo Credit: © Unsplash/Nathan Dumlao

1. I am a child of God.

“The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God.” (Romans 8:16)

Beauty is vain, but being God’s child is not. Beauty fades, but being God’s child is forever if our names are written in the Lamb’s book of life. Your adoption into God’s family is much more important than what you look like, the amount of money you make, or the family into which you were born. It’s both an honor and a privilege to be one of God’s precious children. Daily remind yourself of your relationship with the Creator of the universe.

2. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are your works, and my soul knows it very well.” (Psalm 139:14)

I've come across many people who belittle themselves because they were born out of wedlock. We can't control how we were born, and quite frankly, it doesn't matter. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. If you ever feel like your birth was an accident, remind yourself of how you were truly created: by God.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/fizkes

3. Beauty is vain.

Proverbs 31:30 teaches, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.”

All of us want to be beautiful, but idolizing physical beauty is vanity. Christian girls and women should focus on who we are in Christ instead of outward beauty. When we focus on Christ and our relationships with Him, we're strengthened and encouraged. And we'll stop comparing ourselves to the vain standards of beauty that society dictates us. It's time to break free from the bondage of comparison and live freely in the liberty that's ours in Christ Jesus. One of the best ways to walk in that liberty is by reminding ourselves of who we are in Jesus.

4. I am filled with God's Spirit.

“And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit.” (Ephesians 5:18)

God the Father, took of His Spirit, and placed it inside His children. You carry greatness. Think about that for a second. God loved you so much that He gave you the Comforter to help you walk the Christian walk. Whenever you feel down about yourself, remember that you're filled with the Holy Spirit.

Photo Credit: © Unsplash/Alexandru Zdrobau

5. I am a doer of the word.

“But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.” (James 1:22)

The word of God means a lot to God's children. We don't merely hear the word; we strive to do what the word commands. Although you may not get it right every time, God honors your desire to obey His word. We need to remind ourselves about that. We may not be perfect, but we are being perfected and transformed through God's word.

6. Pray for my enemies.

“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)

This verse cuts like a knife every time I read it, but I’m determined to obey it. And I’m sure you are too. We must remember the importance of praying for our enemies. We don’t have to treat our enemies the way they treat us. We don’t have to seek vengeance. We don’t have to retaliate. We can and must pray for them. This is an important scripture to remember today with so much hatred in the world. Pray for your enemies.

Photo Credit: © Sparrowstock

7. I don’t have to be anxious.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6)

Children of God don't have to be anxious. We can relax in God. We can trust Him and rely upon Him. We don't have to stress ourselves out about anything we're facing. Indeed, we can walk in a peace "...which surpasses all comprehension" (Philippians 4:7).

8. This is working together for my good.

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

God's children can rest assured that the trial or test they're facing is working together for their good. Although the trial is harsh, God can use it to produce good fruit. We should remind ourselves of this scripture every day, regardless of the intensity of the obstacle we’re enduring.

Photo Credit: © Unsplash/Jeremy Perkins

9. I can do it!

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

I started exercising and eating healthfully last month. Every time I want to give up and throw in the towel, I have to remind myself that I can do it. Whenever you want to quit, remember that you can do anything through Christ who strengthens you.

10. Put on the full armor.

“Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.” (Ephesians 6:13)

The devil is busy, but God didn't leave us unprepared or defenseless. God is our protector, and He tells us in Ephesians 6:13-18 how to combat the enemy. We should remind ourselves every day to guard ourselves against the devil. We mustn't let down our defenses. We must remind ourselves to put on the full armor.

Photo Credit: © Unsplash/Sammie Vasquez

11. Jesus came to give us abundant life.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

We mustn’t forget that Jesus came so that we can have an abundant life. Our lives can be filled with joy, peace, love, forgiveness, and hope because Jesus came and died to give them to us. No matter what you face, remember, the abundant life is yours.

12. I’m not who I used to be.

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Daily we must remind ourselves and the enemy that we aren't who we used to be. We are new in Christ. We must learn to use our pasts only as a testimony of God's healing and delivering power. We mustn't allow our pasts to control us or hold us in bondage. Your past has passed away. You're new in Jesus.

These aren't the only scriptures on which you can meditate daily. The Bible is filled with encouraging verses that will guard your heart and mind against the tricks of the devil and strengthen your relationship with God and your fellow brothers and sisters-in-Christ. Whenever you experience difficulties, remember who you are in Christ and the power in the Word. You can and will overcome.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/Merlas

Aretha Grant serves her local church as a bible teacher and elder. She loves writing and is the author of Overcomer: 25 Keys to Walking Victoriously. Aretha resides in Hagerstown, MD with her husband and two youngest children. You can read Aretha’s blog at www.arethagrant.com.

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[locksmithhhh]

47 of those Stars

For stars are just specks of dust in this galaxy of yours but stains of life in this universe of mine. A star that you use for nursery rhymes, a star, which you know lights up the dark night, a star you see but don't recognize a minute later.

Those stars of yours that you point at in the night sky, 47 of those are mine.

Joshua the heart rob- you always had a lot of things in you to admire but you're dancing is the one that makes you the joshua I know. Keep doing what you're good at. Also, thank you for being such a responsible classmate.

Cj the giant-I don't know how but our small fights will always remain in this memory of mine, you're a silent thinker and I'm a loud kid soooo we just won't survive together. Still one thing I like about you is your height.

Andrew Einstein- I never expected such a mind to exist in my sea of people, you are a wonder I always and will always admire. Such talents you posses doesn't deserve to go unnoticed. I believe you'll go further in life, stay humble.

Kenneth the humorist- for how many years we've been together you never lost a drop of humor. Since in Solana you were always the funny yet smart one, the loud but reserved man. So keep on making people laugh at your random jokes, it can save someones day.

Ronnie our very own Secretary- you're the only one..the only secretary that comes more than an hour late yet I still believe you're more responsible than that hahaha. Goodluck through the next years of school!

Laurence the unfiltered- you tend to speak your mind and throw words at anyone you want but remember to know respecting someone is not a weakness. I believe you're hiding a part of you that's not for us to see but gold isn't gold without you.

Freidrich the smarty- I've known you since elementary yet I'm still amazed everytime you prove how smart you are. Stay positive and cheerfull.

Karlos the silent- I don't know how you stay so consistent in not making noise at all, there are even days I don't hear any word from you though we're in the same room yet you manage to get along all good.

Aaron- you're silent yet full of ideas, share something sometimes. Humble yourself down.

Daryll the friend of all- you tend to always smile and be cheerful making everyone your friend and having them trusting you with little things. Keep smilling.

Harvey the artist- mah frienddd thank you for sharing and trusting me with things I know is important to you don't worry I got your back stay like this and don't waste your talent.

Ryan the heart rob II- everyone knows how much of a naughty and stubborn boy or friend you are(in a good way). You're smart I can see, plus other says you're handsome(not me). Goodluck in a lot of things. Stay passionate.

Emil the girl-magnet- I've been with you since elem and I didn't expect you'd change this much, that was too fast. Let's stay this way. Thank you for being a friend of mine.

Jonard the player- not any kind of player, a volleyball player. I'm amazed how high you can jump though. We're friends right? We were friends hahaha. Stay faithful.

John Roe the faithful- you're faith is greater than the heavens, please stay humble and kind like always but please talk to me sometimes I won't eat you let's be friends.

Whesley my frenemy- we fight a lot. That's all. Please change your not so likeable personality, just stay friendly but know your limitations.

Felmar the EIC- you're oh so 'makata' brain never failed to make me think about how bad I am in our own language. Stay the way you are, the humble and always happy felmar.

Timi the President- isn't it such a hard job to look after a bunch of lost kids? Thank you for being such a responsible dad hahaha. Stay like this and we'll stay as friends.

Nary the Model- you're warm hugs is pleasant 'to others'. You've always been open to us, I hope someday you'll take the risk to follow your passion and trust me I won't be surprised at all.

Darylle thing 1- we don't talk a lot, you don't talk much but I know you have a cheerful personality based from what I can see when you're around your friends. Stay positive.

Kryssha the mistress- oo kabit ka lang ni jungkook. So you dance well, you look good, you have a good personality, plus I'm your friend! All kill hahaha I wish to stay friends with you until we finally find our own jungkooks.

Judee the shameless- hi judee. You amaze me on how you deal with different situations, you always speak your mind and don't care about what people can say goodluck on your studies and thank you for being a friend.

Janae the lover- you tend to fall easily. Just keep your head up and continue what makes you happy, know that not all things will go the way you want it. Keep loving, love wins hahaha.

Buena! bitch- we just made up that 'bitch' thing awhile ago and I just lack ideas on how to address you so deal with it. You might not know, but I really really want to be your friend, I just see you as an open person, a happy and free girl so let's be friends.

Angelica the beauty- you get called pretty a lot right lyka? So that's enough compliment for you all I want to say is that you're a friend to me and that will never change so let's stay the same.

Karen thing 2- you always get bullied-maybe not- by our classmates and sorry for laughing sometimes but seriously, the way you take proves how open minded you are. Stay the same positive Karen.

Julia the dancer- I never expected such talent for a small(like me)girl like you. Keep dancing and showing others what you got.

Angelica the cards Queen- your laugh could light up the whole class so don't stop being happy hahaha. I'll miss it.

Salve the singer- We're here always. Stay a little bit longer in this fight. Let's be happy.

Christelle the writer- don't let your talent go to waste, a lot of people believes in you just stay positive and don't let people pull you down. I will cheer for you down here hahaha

Kristel the actress- docy, you always laugh at my jokes, thank you. I hope someday you'll be able to create a humorous enough entry. Congratulations on your growing acting career 😂.

Jeff- I honestly don't know what to say to you since I don't want to be too formal. All I know is that the moment we talked to each other we just clicked like a perfect pair in a puzzle. You and I, we're just known to destroy things but i personally think we can survive in an island together, we just tend to find a way-a not so appropriate way in everything we do together. Don't be a stranger. Let's stay like this. Feel ko kasi mamimiss kita. Oo namimiss kita.

Jeanelle our saviour our hope our light- thank God soooo much for such a responsible student like you. I really hope you'll still be my seatmate till I graduate. I'll miss you shaneee.

Edithaaa- ohhh this fearless little kid, I hope you get what you want-height. We've been friends for a while now, just stay close. I'll miss everything we do. Sa personal nalang iba bain.

Grace our grace- such rich kids nowadays, thank you for the free food, drinks, asnwers and all the things. I hope to still be this close to you or even closer through the next years. I'm just thankful grace hahaha.

Mica another beauty- this is a secret I'll share, I'll trade anything for a body like yours, and height. Stay pretty and smart.

Karissa the farceur- you always make the mood light and I'm thankful for that. If I was given the chance to be your close friend I'd take it instantly but time isn't on our side. Just stay positive, things happen for a reason. Smile lang.

Niña the loud kid in the block- I don't know why but when you shout, I tend to always look from where it comes from, either from my back, right or left, I just wanted to share hahaha

Abcd- I don't want to write anything emotionally linked about you since you won't even take time to read but here we go. Jungkook's mine. But yes I admit, you're nice sometimes.

Kath the smallest version of snow white- I still am jealous of how fair your skin color is plus you're good at math, the two things I lack. Be thankful hahaha

Shany my pal- it was too short-the friendship we had yet I'm thankful for I got to see a part of you many people might never experience.

Precious thing 3- you, thing 1 and thing 2 are the most inseprable people in our class, I hope you stay friends for a long time. And also I can see how smart you are, don't hide it.

Ayra the witty- your humor is at its highest all the time you always make us laugh in embarrasing ways. Please continue, you make our day complete sometimes.

Kezia the quiet- maybe they see you as a quiet girl, but I don't so feel free to continue getting wasted with me hahaha let's party longer.

Jemarie another artist- you're good at other subjects, like good-above average but I suggest you pursue drawing. I think you can achieve more that way.

Kat the bullied- hi kaaaat!Sorry if I tend not to laugh at your jokes just admit it, it's not anywhere near funny. Just kidding, thank you for being a good friend to me though. You're a great person.

Joanna Mae!-our vice president, grow up-like literally, if there's anyway to help let me know hahaha joke lang just stay like this, you're fine this way.

Now I've described each of them. You might or might not be that lucky to actually stay under their unfading light but these stars beside me are the reasons my sky isn't as dark as it used to be.

[shra-vasti]

MAKES ME WONDER [13/40] The Scholarship Application

→ Synopsis : Your dream to attend a Seventeen concert was finally coming true but you weren't prepared for the events that were going to follow after Joshua made eye contact with you and chose to make you his partner for the mini game and take you out on a date as a winning prize.

→ Genre : fluff

→ Type : Idol x fan au

→ Word count : 1.2k

→ Taglist : @mngyuheart @vannie24 @uglyratlmao @rjsmochii @dwcljh @noniesgirl @yuriewolfhard @jisungsdreamy @mischeifmakerliesmith5 (let me know if you want to be added to the taglist)

→ Pairing : idol!Joshua x fan!reader

→ Main Seventeen Masterlist 

→ Makes Me Wonder Masterlist 

The class was boring, not that your mind wasn't clouded with Joshua since you talked with him a few hours ago, even though he was busy he managed to make time for you so you won't feel neglected and it just made you fall for him more.

The bell rang loudly indicating that the class was over, students sighing in relief that they could now go to their home and rest, today has been especially exhausting for everyone.

"Students, there are a couple of new notices attached on the notice board, have a look at them before going off to your homes, you may find something you are interested in."

Miu approached you, bumping your shoulder with hers, throwing a teasing smile on your way.

"I see you had a talk with Joshua, there's a different glow on your face whenever you talk with him, it's easy to tell."

You shook your head, your hand making its way to touch your cheeks, was your affection towards the said boy that obvious?

"Let's go and check the notice board."

"You go ahead, I'll do it some other time, I have an essay to write which I forgot about."

She waved you goodbye, making her way towards the university library and you make your way towards the notice board to check it out.

"Wow, no one really got time to check it out even after the professor clearly told us to."

You stood in front of the notice board taking note of each and every event supposed to take place and the competitions to be held.

You were looking through the different notices when you noticed a small poster had fallen down from the board, you slid the glass off the board and took it out and pasted it back.

You looked at the notice.

INTERNATIONAL PARTNERSHIP : Would you like to continue your studies in a different country?

Study in a different environment and learn about different cultures, XYZ University has become a part of International Partnership Universities that could be perfect for your degree. Check out the list of universities below and sign up in your student office now.

What is this? International Partnership?

Your eyes scanned the list of different universities who were the part of said partnership along with your university, until they stopped on a name you weren't aware you were looking for.

Seoul University, South Korea

You took the notice with you as you made your way towards the student office.

"Hello, I'm here from the notice about the international partnership program."

The lady who sat at the reception smiled at you nodding her head, asking you to continue.

"Can anyone take part in the program or do I need to qualify for it?'

"Well, any student can apply as long as their attendance and grades are good enough."

"Just that? I do think my grades and attendance are decent enough, will you check them for me to see if I can apply?"

"Sure, give me your identification card."

You nodded your head, fishing inside your bag to take out your identification card and hand it over to her, you saw her insert the information into her laptop as she checked your attendance and grades.

"You do have decent attendance and good grades so it's safe to say you can apply for the program, do you have your required documents now or you want to submit them later? Also you need to fill this form and attach all the document's copy with it and submit it to me and you're ready to go."

She gave you the form and you made your way out of the office. You were excited to fill this form and go to Seoul to study, it would be a great surprise for him and he could spend time with you whenever he had time too.

Now you just needed to ask your parents permission to go to study in Seoul and you just hoped they would allow you.

▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️

"We won't allow you to go all the way to South Korea from here, alone."

"Why do you always have to cut off my freedom because you are too worried about me, even if I want to try some new things, you always show me the negative sides of it instead of encouraging me."

You had visited your parents house in the outskirts of the city since you wanted to talk with them about the program you had applied to, but they downright rejected your request even before listening to it fully, you were actually really excited to go study in Korea but all they thought was how you will go there alone and won't be able to take care of yourself.

It pissed you off since they never gave you the freedom to actually face challenges for you to grow.

"I'm going and that's final Dad, I just came here to tell you about my decision."

"You're going to regret it, can't you see? Your mother's health keeps on getting worse and worse and all you wanna do is go study in some other country."

"It isn't like mom's been in good health, she has been like that since forever, I'm not saying I don't care about her but please stop dragging her health into my decision to study abroad."

Your mother had leukemia and she had been struggling with the said disease since you were ten and it felt wrong that your father was making her an excuse to keep you with him.

The fact was, your parents were overly concerned for you, they wanted you to somehow learn all the hardships of life without experiencing them, they always stopped you from doing anything which they thought wasn't necessary to do according to them.

"Your mother won't be happy knowing you're being a brat."

"I'm going dad, you can't stop me, I don't care now, you've always stopped me from doing what I love, I won't let you and our family problems get into a way of my happiness."

You made your way towards the living room of the house as soon as you said that.

"Break all of your relationship with our family if you want to go."

Your steps halted as soon as your father said those sentences and you turned around glaring at him, disbelief written all over your face.

"You're going to go to such an extent just to stop me from doing what makes me happy? Fine, I don't want to be in any sort of relationship with a family who doesn't even consider my happiness."

You slammed the door shut, not looking back even once because you knew he wasn't standing there to even watch you for the last time.

Your father was a selfish man who only cared about his interests and feelings, never once in his life he tried to understand what his family desired and that's the mere reason why your older brother committed suicide, because your father didn't allow him to fulfil his dreams but you weren't going to let him get in a way of your happiness.

With tears in your eyes you hailed a cab, making your way back to apartment.

[hhjs]

cerulean. joshua hong.

part of the shades of blue series.

Joshua had always an outstandingly bad talent for being late. And today was no different.

It's almost midnight. And you'd requested his presence a few hours back. He huffs, rather disappointed in himself. Studying his own home with one sweeping scan.

Postcards glued to an aged refrigerator, monet's lilies hanging, polished, pink and blue and the worst of all,  empty frames in which your wedding photos used to sit.

Suddenly, it's as if he's swallowed sand, coffee scalds his throat  all the way down and he wonders if that's what he is to you, a blank, empty space in which a Joshua used to be, a body without a heart. 

Joshua wonders when you stopped loving him. If you had stopped at all. Because he was clearly falling behind in that regard.

What is the period, edge and end to love? Are words, sentences and a shut door enough? (separation, I don't know you anymore, Joshua. A thud. The loudest sound in the entire universe. )

When had you slipped right through his fingers? And why hadn't he noticed?

The swiftness with which you'd let go astounds him. Like you'd been trying to for a while. Like you'd been thinking about leaving him for so long, the act itself had become weightless. Easy.

After a particularly heated argument, your absence had become a pulsing, breathing, gaping wound in the anatomy of his life and Joshua was then finally sure this departure was going to be different from all its predecessors.

Where were the days when the most difficult thing in your relationship was a stack of lecture notes and sharing a milkshake, and sneaking heated kisses between classes?

When he didn't work so long, when you didn't fight so hard.

When had this marriage become so acutely unbearable for you? Wasn't it just yesterday that he'd gotten down on one knee? Held your child's tiny fingers? When he'd had the selfish joy of having his family all to himself? When was forever and always reduced to laughable visits?

No. Joshua thinks. This can't be the end. It isn't the end. No. If he loves you, if he knows you-

"Are you listening?" You sigh. Closer like this, when your knees are touching, when you're sitting atop the coffee table, when you're all dressed up, it's like nothing's changed at all. As if he could reach out and touch you and drag the hem of the cotton back. Pull something of the past into the present. 

He blinks, clears his throat and tries not to hold your hand like he wants to. Suddenly, he is tempted to splutter out a nervous, I'm here. How are you? How do you feel? I'm listening. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm not leaving.  

 Not again. Not like before.

But Joshua settles for a pathetic 'I'm sorry' instead. 

"I said..." You pause, cocking your head to the side. Tight lipped frown. Looking as though you're tired of hearing those words. "The kids asked about you again... so I called you."

"Is that really...why?" He queries, gulping. Minghao had regrettably notified him of your date with Mingyu. And he hadn't bothered to leave out the part where you'd been utterly hesitant.

There's a glimmer of hope. Sudden and sparkling in his eyes. Undisguised and unabashed yearning. Something subtle, untold, that says I'm sorry. Please. We can fix this.

You deign to not accept unsaid apologies, you want to hear it, hang in the air, understand it, but unable to control the bubbling sensation inside your stomach, you stand. Abruptly. Facing the dressing table. Fixing your already made up hair for the billionth time.

"Baby." Joshua whispers, placing his curious digits on your bare shoulders. He hasn't touched you for weeks. Suddenly, missing you becomes an overwhelming thing. Tangible. Akin to diving headfirst into a chilly pool. Like being punched in the gut. "Please... don't go."

"Don't do this." You say and there's a broken ring to these words. As though you're forcing words out of your throat. Everything that you've tried to push away immediately hurls itself back at you. "I-I can't. It's too...hard."

"I know." He breathes against your neck, mouth ghosting along the shape. "But... we'll get through this. I-I promise-" Joshua feels you stiffen under his touch. And it terrifies him.

"Joshua." You say his name, slowly, your tone dropped down a few octaves, like you're afraid the poets might hear you, like you're afraid brazen lovers would unlearn the lies about a love that never ends. You're staring at his reflection like you've stared so many times before, when he'd slip an eager hand down your arm, when he'd kiss the top of your head and remind you that he was the luckiest man on earth. Joshua hasn't done that in a long time. And you're reminded of why you're here in the first place.

"There isn't a we. Not anymore." He's staring at you like he's stared so many times before but this time, he hardly recognises you. The adamant frown weighing your mouth down. The dull gloss in your welling eyes. He steps back. Gradually. Defeated. "Where were you all this time?" You choke out, overwhelmed by just how willing you once were to be his again. Just once. If he'd ask. Joshua finds that no words, no time, no sweet nothings will ever fill up the spaces between you. The cracks. All that pain. Anguish. That had taken form all the while he was absent.

After, he stares at your receding back. The thing shrinking and shrinking, blurring out against your window pane. Just when Mingyu slides his palm down the curve. Just when he hands you a bouquet and whispers something that tugs your mouth upwards. And then it happens, slowly, you leave him behind, until you're so far he can't make out your silhouette. He doesn't stop you.

Because Joshua had always an outstandingly bad talent for being late.

And today, yesterday, everyday since, was no different.