#I didn't feel up to school today anyways 🙃

[hero-of-the-wolf]

"sorry I can't come in to school today my hawk was in a mood :/"

[spellbooksandcricketbats]

Thinking about why DBD managed to hit me so hard in the Older Queer feelings place.

I went to high school from 2002-2006 and it fucking sucked. For reference, YouTube wasn't founded until 2006, and this was before smartphones and social media and thus easier access to ~*~socially transgressive~*~ material.

The only queer characters I remember seeing on TV while growing up were punchlines (Will & Grace) or grimdark suffering and tragedy (Queer as Folk, The L Word, Nip/Tuck). The biggest slur hurled at us was gay ("Dude, that's so fuckin gay, don't be such a pussy!"). I never actually came out of the closet in high school, but I was still bullied for being perceived as queer because I dressed goth and, at the time, goth was still enough of a subculture to get mashed in with 'everything else society considers fucked up.' I knew two 'out' queer kids in high school, both gay cis boys who leaned effeminate, and dear god they were not treated kindly. Matthew Shepard's brutal torture and murder was still fresh in our collective memory. I also made the classic mistake of falling in love with one of my oldest, and straightest, girl friends. 🙃

And this was near the California Bay Area, traditionally considered one of the most queer-friendly regions!

So anyway, fast-forward to today, and here's Edwin, being unabashedly effeminate in all the ways that I learned to associate with getting a fast fuckin beatdown, and he's...treated with respect, both by other characters and ALSO the broader narrative. He's the recipient of multiple different kinds of love and attraction. None of his flaws have anything to do with being effeminate. And even the surface-level dynamic of Charles being his self-proclaimed protector has nothing to do with Edwin's own abilities -- that he is, in fact, able to endure in ways that no other character has been shown capable of yet, and again, not for any reasons that have to do with the narrative itself punishing Edwin for daring to be gay.

And then: the confession in Hell. When I eventually confessed to my best friend, she hemmed and hawed and put me off without a concrete answer, only that she was happy with her current boyfriend. Fair enough! But then she strung me along for a couple of years until I finally pushed for an answer on whether or not there was any hope, and only then did she said no, she's straight. In retrospect, both of us could have handled it better than we did; we haven't spoken since.

So when Edwin confessed, I found myself getting tense, bracing myself for the inevitable brush-off and awkwardness, which is a common reaction IRL, just...not the fictional wish-fulfillment one from a viewer, y'know? Except that's not what happened! It's not that Charles didn't give Edwin a hard 'no' (no one is ever, ever obligated to return affection), it's that Charles gave Edwin an HONEST one, AND it was kind, and there wasn't a sense that their friendship had lost any trust or anything!

And I'll be honest, that made my cracked, stoic heart cry just a little bit and healed something from my late teen/young adult self.

[limi-strology]

Long astrology related rant ahead:

Topic: Leo placements and hair

Okay, so I'm a Leo rising and when I was younger my hair was really beautiful, like the curls that are usually seen in movies depicting royalty or something.

However, growing up, the curls kinda left but at least it was still wavy. Welp, until middle school because I kept straightening my hair. I would also frequently have my hair up in high ponytails (because of gym at school and sports later in the day), which I almost always tied too tightly.

Later on, as if frying my hair and forcing it in tight ponytails all the time wasn't already a problem, I would brush my hair too aggressively whenever I was in a hurry or angry at someone, so I basically pulled at it. And, to top it all off, due to high stress from high school finals (greek finals are a fucking nightmare, let me tell you), my hair started falling out like CRAZY.

I lost so much hair that year that I've since kept my hair around shoulder length until it heals a bit. I also use treatments, oils, take vitamins and try to let my hair air dry whenever possible, and thankfully my hair is slowly getting better (and because of the humidity where I live, the waves/curls are coming back as well!)

However, seeing all these posts about Leo placements having such amazing hair makes me a little self-conscious as my hair is pretty thin, sparse and quite fragile 🙃

I just feel kinda upset because all this aggression towards my hair started when I broke up with my ex, and I can't help but wonder if my hair would still be alright today had I never dated him (I straightened my hair a lot more while we were in a relationship).

It's annoying because I used to have long soft hair that started as dark brown at the roots and gradually got more blonde towards the end and I just fucking destroyed it 🥲 Idk, any other Leo risings with really thin hair understand me on this??

For reference, here's my hair through the past 5ish? years:

Top left: 2019 Top right: 2020

Bottom left: 2021 Bottom right: 2022

(Idk if it shows well, but in the last photo you can kinda see that there's little volume in my hair, it's kinda flat and it looks much thinner than the first two pics)

So, yeah, to my fellow Leo risings: Do you also sometimes get a little insecure about your hair? Have there been periods where your hair was a bit damaged? Do you dye/straighten/curl/tie it up a lot? Do you have a specific hair care routine you do?

Feel free to share your thoughts or any advice, I'm just wondering if there's more individuals who feel like they don't exactly match the typical image of their sign.

To anyone who read this entire thing, sorry for the long rant, I didn't realise how much I had to say on this 😅 Anyways, thanks for dealing with me, I hope you have a wonderful day! 😊🤍

[zaiban2989]

Bnha S1 ep8 - yeah sue me I restarted from the beginning.

I've been so busy I didn't even have the time to continue where I left of and forgot which episode I was at so yeah I restarted binge watching from s1 😂

Anyways today's about ep 8 - "Katsuki Bakugo - Startline".

Deku Vs Kacchan 1 just happened (omg I'm never getting over this fight, I swear) and Kats has been feeling inadequate and inferior to almost everyone as he watched the rest of the fights happen when Deku was with recovery girl. Like the slap he took in the face from losing to the guy he believed was quirkless and useless (just a little pebble on the side road, like he says), man you feel the angst 😫

And then we get to Deku waking up, going back to class and noticing Kats is no longer here and what does he do? He runs throughout the school like a literal lovesick school girl to find him and if you're telling me Deku revealing his secret to Kacchan doesn't feel like a fucking love confession, prepare to fight shkdkdkdhd

The whole scene is so fucking romantic man, fucking sunset behind them, a few meters away in front of the school gate, Deku with a sheepish look on his face, come on, I don't understand how people see bkdk as like brothers or whatever other shit they can invent, are you for real?! 😳

Anyways, that whole scene is so fucking endearing man. Katsuki hears Deku calling him and he stops walking and is like "What?" Lmao yeah he's still brash and shit but he actually stops and listens (that is NOT the reaction if someone who truly doesn't give a shit about the damn nerd) even though he's getting pissed by the minute because what the fuck is that nerd saying?! 😂💚🧡 And Deku like "that's why one day I'll make this quirk my own and best you with my own power" and Katsuki's face shkskdkd 👇🏼

He's so confused it's hilarious 😂💚😂💚😂 more seriously, he's so wrapped into his bad feelings of inferiority and having lost to deku and shit, he can't even react to what Deku is saying and goes on a rant about how he's just getting started, "you won't beat me again!" (While crying like a cute little bitch shskkd).

I mean seriously, it's like those idiots are talking at each other but not to each other. (It's okay, we know they'll get there) "My words aren't really reaching you" kinda vibe, you know?

But honestly? I just love the fact that Deku fucking runs to find him and explains (though he fails miserably) that he wasn't tricking Katsuki. That's just how fucking important his relationship with the guy is (and yes, regardless of the fact that Kats has been bullying him in the past, tried to hurt him and actually did hurt him pretty badly during their training fight), Deku's view of Katsuki has never fucking changed and it fucking shows. "KACCHAN SUGOI!" SHSJJD

So to those saying bnha ain't a fucking love story between those two... F**k you 🙃

[septembersghost]

slept even more weirdly than usual today because the internet was out for almost twelve hours (i was typing a comment to a mutual about nacho when it went out, which i doubt even went through, but the timing...you think of *me* indeed. and i do! i miss you my desert flower, my king 😔💙), but i kept waking up to see if it came back on, which clearly belies some sort of serious problem, let's not unpack that, anyway...i had the most vivid dream about dean, it's faded to the haze where dreams go in your head now, but i was walking down a sloped hallway (think this was actually my high-school but i don't wanna unpack that either 🙃), and he was just...right there in front of me, and he turned around to make sure i was following, and smiled and said, "you still gotta hang in there with me," and i said, "it feels like you keep getting further ahead of me and i don't know where you're going and won't be able to see you anymore." he stopped in his tracks and reached his hand out and said, "there's no place i could ever go where you wouldn't be able to see me. didn't we talk about trust and that i'm right here?" so i took his hand and said yes, and we kept walking down the hallway and he laughed for no reason and it sounded more like a bell.

this is what happens to your brain when you watch something from the first night to the last, for fifteen years straight, are torn to shreds by the ending, try to rewatch to heal, quit cold turkey, and don't go back as over a year passes, which is the longest you've ever gone without seeing your fave or hearing his voice since he first emerged from the darkness. you go mad, is what.

[joellesolo]

So this past weekend, I listed this vintage school desk we've had for over five years on marketplace finally (it's a really long story; basically, I told my mom, do not give it to Peanut, we don't have room for it, we don't want it, she's never going to use it, don't you dare bring it over... guess what she gave Pea for her second birthday 🙃 anyway. Pea is seven, now. So, it's been over five years and this stupid fucking enormous desk has just been taking up space in the guest room, which then turned into Michael's office, and then eventually became Lily's room, annnnd here we are today...)

I am most likely not going to get my asking price of $200 (even though they go for $400-$700 in other cities), like, whatever, I'd be happy if someone offered me half of that, and just fucking took it off my hands at this point, I just want it GONE, thank you?!

(Oh, also, important to note! Please keep in mind: been SUUPER fucking manic for two weeks, med changes and shit, and then unmedicated since Monday; just, you know, VERY unstable and crazy and out of my mind, it's probably contributing to the pure rage I feel right now, just, an general fyi!)

Anyway! On Thursday morning, I get a message through marketplace and... well, uh, I don't really have words, so, here you go!

Uh... really, Justin? ARE you sorry to bother me? Because... it feels like IF you didn't want to bother me, you could have simply... not sent the message?

Like, damn, bro! So, obviously I get instantly enraged. Because who does this? Why is this okay? This guy is sending a literal STRANGER a message through FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE, of all fucking places, and he KNOWS it's inappropriate so he's trying to soften it?!

Also, I have my facebook privacy settings so if you aren't my friends, pretty much the only things you are able to see are my profile picture (if you go the my "my face" tag on my tumblr, it's my most recent post), my cover picture (a picture of the girls from a couple Valentine's Day's ago), and that I'm married to Michael. So if he attempted to look through my profile (which... probably 😒) he KNOWS I'm married. With children. And still sent this message anyway?!

But let's give him the benefit of the doubt? Even IF he didn't look at my profile, and DIDN'T KNOW I was married with kids, like... why would he think this was an okay thing to send to someone just trying to sell a fucking children's desk?!

... okay, I just typed that out and realized I take back the benefit of the doubt; he must know I have kids, because I am fucking selling a goddamn kid's school desk 😒 (yeah okay sure MAYBE I could be some vintage furniture collector but, I'm not buying that...)

Anyway. That was Thursday. I was super pissed, and raged about it to friends and family, and then because of my severe mental health crises, more or less forgot about it, and, yeah. Here we are now. Saturday.

So, JUST IMAGINE MY SURPRISE, when my phone goes *ding* and I pick it up thinking it's a mom friend or something, and instead I see the following:

... okay, like, I thought I was pissed the first time?!

Ha. Uh, ha, no? WHY DID HE THINK MY SILENCE WAS AN INVITATION TO SEND ANOTHER MESSAGE?! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK??!

I have no doubt this is one of those "your body, my choice" fuckers. NO DOUBT AT ALL. This is absolutely what the people chose. They have been emboldened one hundred percent. It's absolutely just... ugh.

I told my friends, and they're all like, wtf 😡🤢🤬 I told my family, and I get, "well Joelle, why didn't you just block him!!"

... yes. Because this is somehow all my fault? I totally asked for these unwelcome messages in the first place by posting the desk, like, oh wow, how dare I?!

🤦🏽‍♀️

No, stfu, get out of here 😒 My next step is figuring out how to report him to facebook, obviously, so he doesn't send me any other goddamn messages. Because I feel like they would just get worse?

BUT. He's going to know it was me! Unless he happens to be sending messages to women selling stuff all over Reno? Because I will just not show up in his messenger any more... but he has my name? He can just try to google me and find me?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I JUST GOOGLED MY OWN NAME AND THERE'S A GODDAMN WEBSITE AND IT LITERALLY HAS MY FULL FUCKING HOME ADDRESS ON THERE, SEVERAL PREVIOUS ADDRESSES, SEVERAL PREVIOUS PHONE NUMBERS, AND MOST OF MY GODDAMN RELATIVES, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS TRUE PEOPLE SEARCH AND HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET ALL THIS PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT ME?!!?!!?

okay well this is a fucking great turn of events now i'm scared to report him because what if he fucking GOOGLES ME AND COMES TO MY HOME AND TRIES TO HARM ME OR MY DAUGHTERS FUCK THIS

AHHH JESUS

sorry for having a goddamn literal freak out midpost

but FUCK TRUE PEOPLE SEARCH WOW

guess i need to figure out how to get all my information removed off there FIRST and then report the creepy fucker on marketplace?!!??! so much for resting today.... wow 😭😭😭

NONE OF THIS IS OKAY ABSOLUTELY NONE OF IT

[owemnstudies]

28.O6.2O24 | 4/100 days of productivity

💙 d - 43 ★ 🌻 d - 98

it's a vent day, not a productive day, so don't read if you don't want to!

today i went to my old high school because I asked for a grade certificate for my uni almost two weeks ago, and it was so stressful because It's far from where I live. When i got there, they told me it wasn't ready yet, even if I had called a day before and they said it was.

I went with my mom, I'm kind of an 'adult' who can't go out without feeling anxious, but she got mad at me that I didn't complain enough, we had to go home. I called later, my high school told me they would have it before noon, but then they didn't, they told me to call back again and I did, but the worker in charge was either in lunch, or busy, or told me to call later, or that he'd call in a few minutes (hours passed).

In the end, his supervisor called saying I was putting too much pressure? it's their job? and I even asked how much it would take, they said 10 working days, this supervisor said they actually take 20 working days? like?? I spent so much in the bus, the calls, I could've used that time to study more, not to wait around for a call and just deal with traffic and crowded public transport.

(and I even tried emailing four weeks prior, another one three weeks prior, I received no answer)

I know it's silly, I think back, and just things like these make me feel hopeless, like I can't be an adult who just cries because of this? that somehow it's my fault because I didn't ask enough or complained enough?

it also made me just remember how I used to feel back in high school, stressed about dealing with the administration, hopeless about my emotions and no matter how frustrated I was, nothing was going to ever change. i hate how much things like these actually affect me and others just don't, I almost went silent the whole day from the stress, because I can't let something like this affect me, but it just does.

and I really felt like I wanted to text someone and complain about this, anyone, not to receive even an answer but just to be heard, not to be blamed for, but it just sounds so silly to cry over someone's words. I just wrote this and wanted to post it as a way of venting, I hope I can get on track tomorrow, I can't afford to lose more days like this.

I ended up with a headache from the stress, I managed to take the bus in time to go back to high school and then to the uni with the certificate, anyways, what a day 🙃

(looking back this was so dramatic)

⏰️ study time : 0 h

[myawesomebeautifullife]

Finally, truly on step two

Before I begin. Major life update. I saw Charlie Puth live on July 7th, and let me tell you. This man has taken over my life like he has his own board on my Pinterest. He is so fine and talented. It's truly unfair. 🙃

For the longest time, I've felt stuck on life step #1. I've never graduated from college, which had been integrated into my brain at a young age that *that* is the only goal, if not the ultimate goal, and way of showing my worth. Personally, I do not agree with that at all. I can list a bunch of people who are not only successful but have benefited from not attending college.

Anyways why am I writing this post?

Reading the last paragraph of my last post really has me shook. I don't know what is happening around me, but I feel I am progressing forward. I feel like I've been living my life in step one to the point where I'm living on credit. I don't know how else to describe it, but now I am living from what is the start of the fruit of my labor.

Summer school, every day was a mini mental breakdown of Can I do this?! The answer is yes bitch. Yes, bitch. I got an A in my class! Sorry, I am going on a tangent. I got a fucking A+, like 97%, on a summer school class! Like what was supposed to be a 16-week class but is being done in 6 weeks! Also, let's not forget. I passed English 100 and wrote impressive essays! I have data to back up the fact that Yes! I can do it! I believe that is where this feeling of moving forward is stemming from. My advice to anyone. Write down your goals and start with step one today!

I've noticed that I have this annoying mindset that keeps running with anxiety in my head "I can't". Gurl bye! Please. I want to start weaving this mindset out of my head. I want to be like Dumbledore and take a wand to my head and pull that aspect out of me. If only it were that simple.

Maybe the next time I say I can't. I need to challenge myself and ask why can't I?! Who is standing in the way of what I want? Spoiler alert it's not someone or something I can easily shift the blame onto.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.

I've officially decided to entertain the idea of dating. Notice how I didn't say I started dating. 🥲. I have terrible role models for relationships all around me, and letting someone in on my personal space sounds daunting. It's alright. Like I said before. Write down my goals and start today! Right now, I have sought external help, and it's going great. The gears are turning and ideas are coming along.

[writingjjfics]

Jealous confessions

Pairing: JJ Maybank x reader, Platonic!Pogues x reader

Summary: A night with the Pogues lead to much laughter, jealousy, and love confessions.

Warnings: nothing much, maybe some cursing

Requested?: yesss

Word count: 2.6k

A/N: Sarah is not a part of this (sad, I know) because we needed a jealous JJ. Sorry this fic took me so long but I have so much work to do for school and each time I try to write my inspiration is just gone so I also apologize for any mistakes and stupid jokes.

A/N(2): JJ looks so hot in this gif I can't🙃 (not my gif)

It was one of those perfect evenings. You and the Pogues were having a movie night at JJ's and John B's small but cozy apartment. They moved in together a while ago after they both saved up enough money. Since you, Kie, and Pope still live at home with your parents, the three of you come over often and probably spend even more time in their apartment than at home.

After a long discussion about what movie to watch, because you and Kie wanted something romantic and the boys wanted a movie with loads of action, you agreed to watch both movies starting with the one you and Kie picked out.

It was a classic Rom-Com about a boy and a girl who started as friends through an accidental encounter and then they slowly fall in love. The movie was cute but you and Kie mostly wanted to watch it because of the good-looking lead actor. You both made loads of comments during the movie even if it was just to annoy the boys.

"Oh my god, he is so hot"

"He could run me over with that car and I'll thank him anyway"

"I would pay money just so I could touch those abs"

With each comment, you could feel the glances and hear the scoffs coming from the boys. It made you and Kie giggle every time.

You were seated in between Kie and John B. Usually, you always sat next to JJ but you have been avoiding close contact with him lately.

You've known JJ since you were 6 years old. You were at the beach with your family while he was there all by himself. He was playing with some rocks and branches when he accidentally tripped. There was nobody around to help him and you felt sad so you went to check upon him. He damaged his knee so you brought him with you to your parents. After they took care of his knee you played with him for the rest of the day.

"I want to make you my best friend now. To thank you for today and the fact that you are really cool. Well- best 'girl' friend since I already have a best friend called John B" JJ told you at the end of the day.

Since that day you were inseparable from him. He came to your house almost every day and your parents treated him like their own child. He soon also introduced you to John B, which you could also quickly get along with. Later you three met Pope and Kie which was the beginning of your friend group.

Kie is the sister you never had. You two share everything together being the only girls in the group of friends. John B and Pope are like brothers to you. You always prank and tease each other as siblings do.

But your relationship with JJ is a different story. Since the moment you were old enough to understand what feelings are, you felt that weird feeling in your stomach every time you looked or thought about JJ. You tried to brush it off as just a stupid crush since he is a good-looking boy giving you a lot of attention but the constant flirting with each other and the tension between the two of you doesn't help at all.

You promised yourself that you would never start a romantic relationship with a friend because of all the drama that could happen if things didn't work out and besides there's that rule, that stupid rule, that Kiara made up a few years ago. The "no Pogue on Pogue Mackin' rule".

While you always hold a glimmer of hope that things would work out with JJ someday, you also know that you need to stop doing that. You know JJ is more into casual hookups and doesn't want to be in a relationship, at least not for now.

With this in mind and your feelings for JJ growing every day, it's getting harder for you to see him at every Kegger flirting and kissing with other girls. Each time you see him walk away with some pretty girl to probably have sex with you die a little on the inside. You tried to give your attention to other boys, going on a few dates, or hooking up with random Tourons, but no one makes you feel the same way JJ does.

So a few weeks ago you decided to distance yourself a little from JJ, not in a way you are not talking or hanging out with him anymore, but just less touching and flirting with each other. You are hopeful that this will help to lose your crush.

Little did you know, JJ's feelings are exactly the same as yours. He always felt different with you, in a good way, he feels butterflies in his stomach when he is close to you. But he also noticed you distanced from him lately and at the same time you became closer with John B. Always sneaking away together, or whispering and giggling.

The thing was that John B recently came to you for girls' advice. There is this new girl in his Science class that he caught feelings for. And John B, being the stupid boy that he is, doesn't know how to get her attention so he asked for your help since he didn't know who else to go to. You decided to help him and took him out for lunches and fake dates to share experiences and tips.

So today you also sat next to John B instead of JJ. You noticed JJ glancing in your direction a lot. But you didn't think much of it. It was probably because you were talking a lot during the movie and it was annoying him.

You were watching the action movie for the boys now. You and Kie thought it was quite boring so you made loads of jokes about the plot.

"Can you guys please shut up, I'm trying to watch this movie in peace!" Pope snapped at us.

"Wow, rare outburst of emotions but okay sorry. We'll stop" you chuckled.

"I think it's time for more snacks" John B spoke up.

"I thought you were the snack here Routledge" you joked.

John B mockingly repeated your words. "Very funny Y/L/N" He walked to the kitchen with the empty trays to refill the bowls on them.

John B thought it would be fun to test out his new 'girl skills' so he added some flowers to one of the trays and handed it to you and Kie.

"For my beautiful ladies" he said while giving you a wink.

You knew exactly what he was doing. "Oh my god, girls would be so lucky to date you. Can't believe you don't have a girlfriend yet." you teased him.

JJ clenched his jaw, obviously feeling very jealous of the scene in front of him.

"Can we just continue watching the movie please?" JJ snapped.

"Can you have some humor please?" you mumbled softly, rolling your eyes.

John B chuckled at your comment.

JJ stared at you unamused. You could honestly die from how hot he looked at you. You gave him a small smile as some sort of peace offer. He didn't respond, raised his eyebrows, and looked back at the tv.

Weird... You thought. JJ usually laugh the hardest at these kinds of jokes or make a brilliant comeback.

--------

It was currently 1 am and everyone was pretty tired from the long day and the movies we watched.

"Can we just sleep here tonight?" Kie spoke up

"Yeah sure, you three can figure out who sleeps where right? I'm going to bed now. Goodnight!" John B spoke while walking towards his bedroom.

You looked in the direction of Pope and Kie. JJ stood up as well and said goodbye while walking to his room. Pope mumbled something about you sleeping in JJ's bed like usual. You locked eyes with Kie.

Kie knows about your crush on JJ and you also told her that you've been trying to keep some distance from him lately. But she shrugs her shoulders and mouthed a sorry. You got up with a sigh and walked in the direction of JJ's room. What's one more night in his bed going to change anyway.

You knocked on his bedroom door and heard some mumbling so you slowly opened the door and stepped in.

"Hey Jay, can I sleep in your bed tonight?"

"Why don't you go sleep in John B's bed huh" he replied in a mean almost mocking way.

"Ew, why would I want to sleep in his stinking bed?" you laughed

"Idk so you two could continue with the lovebird's act"

You were confused at what he was saying, "Wtf JJ, what's wrong with you?"

He gave you a humorless laugh. "What's wrong with me? Because I can ask you the same. You ignore me for the entire night, no, not only this night but the entire time, and now you want to sleep in my bed?" he almost shouted

"I'm sorry, but I've just had a lot on my mind lately"

"Yeah, about John B probably?" he rolled his eyes and looked away from you

"What the fuck does any of this have to do with John B!?" you raised your voice, clearly confused and annoyed. You were tired and not in the mood to argue right now.

"You don't think I haven't noticed the two of you flirting all the time?"

"Flirting- Wha-?? I don't know what you are talking about?"

"Y/N, Oh my god- you are with him continuously, giggling and whispering stuff to each other. Don't act stupid and just tell me how it is!" JJ was shouting at this moment.

"My god- You can be so dumb sometimes! It's none of your business, but if you really must know. John B has a crush on a girl in his science class and asked me for advice. I've been giving him tips and helping with his courage to ask her out."

"Why are you acting so jealous anyway?" you asked confused and slightly mad.

JJ immediately looked guilty for shouting and his fiery eyes instantly softened "Sorry, I just miss hanging out with you, you know, like we used to"

"Don't you have your many hookups with random girls to fulfill that?" you said sarcastically

JJ stepped away from you and went to sit on his bed. "That's not the same.."

"What’s not the same?" you asked confused again

The fact that you were really tired and basically could fall asleep in an instant did not help with the conversation.

"What I feel for you" he mumbled softly

The moment JJ said what he said he immediately regretted it. He never meant to slip it out like this, if he ever had the courage to tell you.

"Wait- What- what did you say?" you heard it right the first time, you just didn't understand what was going on.

"Y/N can we please just drop this and go to bed. I'm sorry okay. Shouldn't have acted so stupid."

"No Jay, I want to know now. What's going on?" you insisted.

You went to sit on the bed beside JJ. There was this awkward silence. Both of you didn't know what to say next. Finally, after some very long seconds of silence, JJ spoke up.

"Listen, if I'm going to tell you, I want you to listen to me and wait for me to finish talking, okay?"

"Yeah, okay" you nodded. Your heart was beating fast by now. Could JJ possibly like you back?

"Uh- So- You know- I-" JJ was stuttering and couldn't find his words so you took his hand and held it to make him feel safe.

'Okay, I'm just going to say it" he chuckled nervously "I like you, as in, a lot, and more than just friends. For a very long time now. Each time I'm close to you I just want to kiss you and hold you and call you my girl and I know you probably don't see me like that, and that's okay, and then there is also that stupid no Pogue on Pogue Mackin rule-" JJ rambled on.

You were shocked, to say the least, and didn't even hear the rest of what he was saying. You never expected JJ to see you like this let alone think of you as a couple together. It was cute tho, seeing JJ this nervous. You don't think you've ever seen him like this before.

You noticed JJ had stopped talking and was waiting nervously for a response. The only right response you could think of at the moment was kissing him, so you did.

You moved closer to JJ, your eyes drifting from his ocean blue eyes to his lips. You leaned in to kiss him. The kiss surprised JJ a little, but before he knew it, he was returning it hungrily. He pulled your waist closer to him while you moved your hands to ran it through his hair.

The kiss was passionate. You both waited years to kiss each other and it felt even better than either of you could have imagined.

You pull apart to catch your breath, both of you having the biggest smiles on your faces.

"So, I guess you feel the same?" JJ smirked.

"I liked you for years now Jay" you confessed.

JJ brought your face close and kissed your forehead before pulling you in a tight hug. Both of you let out a huge breath of relief.

"Let's go to sleep now babygirl, we'll talk more tomorrow" he whispered.

You nodded and stripped out of your clothes. JJ handed you one of his shirts and he laid down in his bed. You climbed up the bed beside him and he wrapped you in his arms, pulling you close to his chest. He gave you kisses on your shoulder and head.

"Goodnight pretty girl"

"Goodnight handsome"

--------

The morning came. You opened your eyes and heard small breaths coming from beside you.

JJ had one of his arms rested on your waist. You turned your body so you could look at him. He was still sleeping looking very peaceful.

You laid on his chest and slowly traced your fingers on his chest and face, giving him small kisses as well. That woke JJ up.

"Hey, good morning beautiful" he said with his deep morning voice.

His voice sounded even sexier and you could honestly just melt.

"Good morning baby" you whispered while kissing JJ on the lips.

JJ smiled "I'm awake right because this still feels very surreal?" you both chuckled.

"Well thank god it's real, I can't go back to normal now"

"So that means I can officially call you my girlfriend?" JJ looked at you hopefully.

"I wouldn't want it any other way" you smiled and leaned in to kiss JJ.

After some more talking, cuddling, and kissing you decided to have breakfast and join the other Pogues.

You proudly walked into the living room with intertwined hands.

The Pogues looked surprised. You looked at Kie and nodded your head.

"FUCKING FINALLY" Kie shouted. "I've been waiting for years for one of you to make a move"

"Congrats guys, I guess you giving me advice for that girl helped you too" John B said while giving you a wink.

"Yeah, you have no idea" you giggled and looked at JJ who rolled his eyes before giving you a sweet kiss on your forehead.

[marengogo]

I posted 258 times in 2022

That's 258 more posts than 2021!

124 posts created (48%)

134 posts reblogged (52%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@akookminsupporter

@stormblessed95

@chikooritajjk

@marengogo

@parkparkjeon

I tagged 151 of my posts in 2022

Only 41% of my posts had no tags

#asks - 35 posts

#jikook - 33 posts

#bts 7 nation army - 21 posts

#people who are lost - 20 posts

#jm - 16 posts

#jk - 12 posts

#bts chapter 2 - 10 posts

#about marengo - 9 posts

#jkk nak - 8 posts

#jimin - 7 posts

Longest Tag: 36 characters

#we ain’t about that life around here

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

i cant stop thinking about the way jimin was giggling like a school girl after he called jk over as a guest for his bday party, and then getting all awkward and flustered as if talking to his school crush. he was smiling so much even if jungkook was just standing there— and the way jungkook was also giggling when he said "jimin came by" to greet him happy birthday on his recent live. my boys are so smitten for each other its so adorable

It’s the way they do things all the members do, but when they do it every so often it feels like we are intruding, you know?

Oh and let’s UNOT7nify things for a change, shall we? for all those people out there going “but Hobi was there as well so”. To begin with, we have no idea of how it all went down. If JM didn’t come forth with that Hobi super-crop, we could have assumed that maybe they visited him at different times. But even with Hobi being there, who was the one that was so eagerly awaiting this day? Who was the one who gave us another very cute super-crop picture, of JK this time, while he is seemingly blowing out candles? 

Hobi also joined them during JM’s birthday live last year, and people that don’t want to acknowledge it will not, but the change of atmosphere was instant. Before his arrival, not gonna lie to you, I was in disbelief and I didn't realise I was holding my breath until Hobi came in. Same with the Team Party-Party~! V-Live in LV, the way JM’s whole demeanour changed when JK walked into that room. Tae unbothered and Hobi moving aside, both probably being very used to this dynamic by now, but us still watching and wondering if all of this is okay to witness?! LOL

See the full post

43 notes - Posted September 12, 2022

#4

QUICKIE - 1: The Moon Embracing The Sun

LOVE AGAIN - by Daniel Caesar, Brandy  [CASE STUDY 01]

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

Constantly, I hope everyone is doing great and I’m guessing we are all very excited about tomorrow! I’m perhaps overly excited and all I need to do at this point is try and get some sleep, like for real, but I feel like I’m a kid again and it's Xmas Eve’s Night where even tho I ain’t tryna catch Santa, I’m too hyped to sleep 🙃 … ANYWAYS, As the name of this series suggests, this is not going to be anything excessively long, but rather just a quick observation regarding some cute/lucky/noticeable occurrence I might have noticed or that might have happened in correlation to Jikook.

Today I’d like to talk about a “little” K-Drama called The Moon Embracing The Sun, which is from 2012, like, a good 10 years ago, but good stuff, good stuff! I literally just finished watching and it took me two weeks because I was trying to make it last (and it is a good 20 episodes). As you might already have deduced, the fact that it talked about The Moon and The Sun made me think of Jikook and straight away my brain started braining as I began to better understand a very distinct difference between how The West and The East perceive the relationship between the Moon and the Sun (myself being born and brought up in The West). 

First of all, I was quite intrigued to find out that the drama was a love story between the Sun and the Moon, since (as some might have gathered by now) with me being really big on mythology (greek/roman in particular), I’ve always had a hard time thinking of the Sun and the Moon as anything other than twins, which is what Apollo (eventually god of the Sun) and Artemis (eventually goddess of the moon) are. In The East it appears that they for the most part star crossed lovers for something the moon did apparently, but lovers nevertheless.

See the full post

46 notes - Posted October 14, 2022

#3

Silver Lining - What If #2 : I Caught You Bae Bae! [PART 1]

Dreamers - by Jungkook of BTS  [Music from the FIFA World Cup Qatar 2022 Official Soundtrack]

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

🐺 — 🐺 — 🐺—

This week has been a bit messy hasn’t it? And to top the madness all off, though I’m sure we are all happy to see that JK is doing well, thanks to his IG updates, it would have been great to “hear” from Jimin as well 🥹at this point is like, I know you working but, help a sister out you know? Like we be “worrying”/hella selfish here in this neck of the woods, like … jimiii↗️↘️iiin, I MISS SO MUCH IT HURTS 😭. So I thought I’d stop by to write something … cute me thinks? I think we can all use some fluffy, tender and light STD: Speculations, Thoughts and Delulu. In fact, the idea for this post was the result of me reading this post → Jikook After Tokyo by @wingzie. So welcome to another long ass post! 

Though wingzie’s post was clearly about both JM and JK, I haven’t been able to shake off the image of Jimin blushing/being shy. I’ve always felt like Park Jimin is the kind of human being who, at least until circa pre-2018, would instantly wear his heart on his sleeve full-throttle. As of present, he seems to be much more in control with regards to the majority of emotions that he can control, sometimes even resorting to smart talk/ cynicism as a substitute as well. But oh boi, it used to be that we were always made aware of any kind of emotion he felt from little happiness and ecstasy to pet-peeves and straight up being bothered.

The only time we are now privy of a non-controlled emotion from Jimin is when he blushes/gets shy. There are infinite reasons why different people get shy. Some people get shy out of being complimented, some people get shy just being in the proximity of the person they maybe fancy, some people get shy when put on the spot, etc etc etc. When it comes to JM, what in my opinion, seems to be his shy trigger are situations where he REALLY doesn’t know what to do. So he “blushes” or becomes “shy”, so to say, and in his case it seems to happen mostly on 2 particular scenarios:

He is out of depts, not in his element, doesn't want us to know, and he is well aware that it will show on his face.

He hasn’t yet processed his feelings with regards to a certain situation. Hence, he hides his face so that we don’t see how he is feeling in that moment, before he himself can actually process what it is that he is even feeling.

Now, though JM has admitted on many occasions that he is indeed the shiest member of the band, people who are just focused on his performance persona, or just observe him within his comfort zone (which is for example anything with his members RUN BTS, BON VOYAGE etc) will not notice this side of him all, in fact they might even think that he is “capping”.

See the full post

52 notes - Posted November 20, 2022

#2

hi dunno if you had this question or not but do u think before jikook become a "thing" vmin and jihope messed around... cos if u ask other blogs they will beat around the bushes but aint nobody actually answering lol im saying this cos vmin are close as jihope hobi was his roomate tho (roomates) i didnt see jimin &hobi dynamic turn around like this until bv in malta or burn the stage..?

anyway it doesnt changr my opinion on jikook im just curious cos it looks like they prob messed around lol and

at some point i think rm had a crush on jimin too thats why sometimes jungkook had ?? a "problem with minimoni " monitoring jikook

Hello Anon,

Sure, let’s talk abou it.

No, I don’t think JM messed around with any other member in BTS before, during or after JK. Short answer; amongst other factors, one (not the main factor but  …) is it would take a person who actually thinks they are desired in such a manner to do so, and quite unfortunately, for the longest time, I do believe JM didn’t believe himself to be said person at all. As for the Long answer, let’s look at each pairing you mentioned, shall we?

Let’s start with giving some context to my thoughts: 

Not sure if you read any other of my posts, but I think 2015 was the year JK started “peacocking” so to say, at JM, and through ups and downs it took them 2017/2018 to actually enter a steady relationship and by steady I don’t mean they were in an open relationship prior to this. What I mean is that they both were trying to figure out things like, for example; what they actually were feeling for each other, or would them “being together” actually work, or could they really actually do this., etc, etc etc.  

Furthermore, I should add, that I believe JM “taunting” JK with requests of kisses and telling him he liked him and wanted to go out with him etc, as they already had a very good relationship off-camera (as proven by various interviews), was just an also quite naive approached mixing at an attempt to establish a connection with JK on camera, with feelings he still himself hadn’t quite properly acknowledged. In simple words: He was consciously kidding about feelings he subconsciously already had but never really took seriously. 

See the full post

57 notes - Posted September 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Well Well Well … - 1 : … BRUH~!

Shinunoga E-Wa - by 藤井風 (Fuji Kaze)  [HELP EVER HURT NEVER]

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

I’ve been wondering.

For the past week, I’ve been wondering about what Jeon Jungkook would do for Park Jimin’s birthday  privately. Because I was 100% sure he wouldn’t appear in JM’s vlive, just as much as I was 100% sure JM wouldn’t vlive from his private home (my reasons being, are probably for another post though … 😁). BUT, at the same time I did  wonder; since JK doesn’t have the excuse of being at the company anymore, and since he is not going to release another 100% centric Jimin GCF; … what is he going to do? So you might be wondering: if you didn;t think he was going to do anything public, why still wonder about what he could do?

MIND YOU, being the private person that he is (they are), I did for the most part  expected JK to not post anything at all. So I was actually at work wanting to talk to my loved one and not being able to (don’t ask…) while waiting for some Jikookers to beg for JK to post something, the whole time thinking “…  it would be nice if they’d leave JK alone, is not like he is going to publicly do anything ..”. AND THEN, the second I thought that, I remember about last years birthday and I was like “🤦🏾‍♀️🙄😒😬…”.

Which brought me right back to the me that had been hypothetically thinking about “if, then what?”. If JK really wanted to publicly wish JM a happy birthday in a still intimate way but still not being caught: HOW THE FUCK WOULD HE DO THAT? 

See the full post

60 notes - Posted October 13, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[animesllut666]

-UNMENTIONED BIRTHDAYS-

Style: Headcannon.

Characters: Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Kageyama

Anime: haikyuu

Summary: You never told them when your birthday was, due to having a birthday when school was never in session. And these are the reactions, of when they find out.

Request from @blue-asher: about headcannons of some Haikyuu characters reacting to you not telling them it was your birthday? Like, they could found out from your classmates that same day or reader mentioning it days later.

A/N: Requests are currently open! Go to this post for reference! Thank you for requesting this, I can relate too it since my birthday falls when school is out of session so no one never knew unless told otherwise.

-------------

TSUKISHIMA:

First thing

He would gentle slap you up the head

In an .. enduring kind of way

But also a "hey what the fuck?!" Kind of way

He found out by your friends asking and pestering him what he was doing at the practice gym on this day

He replied back with "What are you doing here? I'm not the only one here,"

And they just stand there like "... He has a point"

But then one blurts out "We already visited Y/N ! And gave her gifts and told her happy birthday! What have you done?!"

Of course

He gets hit right in the face from the ball bouncing off the wall

Realizes that it is practically almost the end of the day and that you never even told.him when your birthday even was

So while standing there, and getting bombarded with questions and scolding by your friends

You walk in

Unbeknownst to the whole conversation

"Y/N-chan! You want us too beat him up?! "

"YEAH HE FORGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY!"

"WHAT KIND OF BOYFRIEND WOULD DO THAT ?!"

They all start shouting and hollering their distaste for the whole thing

And you very calmly

Just walk over, grab his hand and lead him out of the gym.

"I.. I didn't know, I'm sorry, but you never even told me"

*que the light slap up the head

"Well, I never really see it as a big thing. I'm just getting older, and it's just a day of the year. My family and I never really do much anyways, it's not much of a big deal "

He is just standing there 🧍🏼🤦

"Just cuz you or your family don't do anything big, doesn't mean that others feel the same, now come on"

"Where are we going?"

"We are going to celebrate your birthday, now come on. Let's go get food, go to the arcade, and watch the stars above us "

Turns out Suki is a huge birthday person

He did exactly what he said

Got food, went to the arcade, won you a few gifts, and then on the walk home sat at a bench at a park, watching the stars. And pulled out a little cupcake with a candle on top.

SUNG YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY

And he made sure that once dropping you off at home

He marked his calendar and made a mental note of your birthday

YAMAGUCHI:

This shy

Honey bun

Y'all been dating for a while now

Almost a year

11 months

And your birthday was actually the day you both started dated

Thing is

You never said anything or mentioned it 🙃 and it didn't really cross his mind

Till it was your guys one year AND your birthday

He is going over to your house, getting ready, asking Suki if the gift is good enough and if his outfit looks good

And of ALL PEOPLE

ALL PEOPLE

SUKI KNOWS ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY

"Did you get them another gift?"

YAMAGUCHI JUST LIEK " WHAT YOU MEAN ANOTHER GIFT?!"

"Its their birthday today dumbass "

he died right then and there

😀😅😐🙃😱😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Starts crying and panicking

"What.. no ... No ... It can't be .. omg that's why there were birthday cards in THEIR BAG WHEN I ASKED THEM OUT!!!!!!!!!!"

Suki is LIVING FOR THIS

Cackling in the background

"aren't you late?"

Cut to him tripping and fumbling on his way out, completely forgotting about the gifts and card

Gets to you place

And is ASHAMED

Knocks on the door

A very weak knock

You barely even heard it when walking by

"Oh babe! Happy aniv- are you crying?!"

He is practically sobbing trying to hold back the tears and snot

"I forgot your gifts, and the card and food I made. Not to mention, I ... I didn't even know it is your birthday."

Ya got to reassure him that it's okay

You never really liked to celebrate your birthday anyways.

Plus it was during holiday break, so everyone was already doing their thing with families and celebrating

"It's NOT fine, I should have known, I should have asked"

It legit took your parent to tell him that's it's fine and it doesn't bother you one bit

He still wasn't convinced but both of you went back to his place to pick up the things he forgot

"I may not celebrate birthdays that much, but... You've made this one the best. That and we started dating on this day, that's the best gift of all."

His heart exploded and he died right there on the street

Kageyama:

Hear me out

I feel like he would KNOW the month and date

But be forgetful of it at times

He gets so in his head and with volleyball tournaments going on

And that damn flatiwaka in his thoughts

He thought your birthday was NEXT week

Not this week

So imagine his surprise when he is getting some milk

And your classmates rush over too him and start to ask him questions left and right

"What did you get them?!"

"They don't seem none the wiser that you've forgotten"

"God your such a terrible boyfriend"

"I bet it's something romantic, and he just is putting up a facade"

"what are you guys on about?" He asks taking a sip of his milk, eye brows furrowing at them

"God you guys are annoying"

It takes Hinata coming behind him

For him to realize

"Isn't it Y/N-chan birthday today?!" Hinata whispered died in his ear, having him spill his milk everywhere

Even on the classmates

"T-Thats next week ... Right?!"

Their faces

Just dead pan

"So he knows the date ... But he forgot.. "

Que you walking over and man's does a whole 360 change

Grabs you and just straight up starts apologizing

Hinata is living for it but so shocked by how his classmate and teammate just .. is begging for forgiveness

"Tobio.. what what are you talking?!"

"YOUR BIRTHDAY, I DIDNT FORGET I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS NEXT WEEK."

Que Hinata "Doesn't that mean you forgot"

Que flames coming up around Kageyama "What did you say... You little orange head ass!?"

Ends up chasing after Hinata, leaving you standing there with a small smile on your face

"Aren't you upset he forgot?"

"No, I know he is just forgetful and has been planning something nice for next week."

"But your birthday is THIS week."

"Actually it was three days ago, so everyone is wrong. But it doesn't bother me, my family forgets it as well."

Que the classmates Lossing their SHIT

As their losing it

Hinata and Kageyama are running around, Hinata jumping out of his reach and Daichi coming over

"You really don't care?"

"No, but I'm going to go help Daichi before Tanaka gets involved... I can feel him circling around... Waiting."

After Kageyama was scolded and you both walked back to the classes

His head hung low, that pout on his face

"I.. I'm sorry I forgot, I'll make it up"

"It's fine, I'm used to it. My birthday was three days ago anyways, and I got to spend it with you and watch your game and totally destroy the team!"

"Oh yeah, we really di... THREE DAYS AGO?!"

Que you running away giggling

[thedreadvampy]

So I had a really positive Hey We Are Healing therap today. talked about what a difference the gym's making bc it's such a new experience to have the response from a trainer/teacher/tutor when I say "I can't do this because of XYZ" to not be "well guess you can't do it" or "well try harder" but "ok that's good to know, let's work out a way we can get you to bring able to do it"

that was nice. that's not the point. The point is I left feeling really positive and then somehow 10 minutes into my half hour walk home I started really fixating on a couple of Bad Experiences from my teens that have LITERALLY nothing to do with ANYTHING we were talking about today. or anything or anyone I've been thinking about/dealing with lately.

[advice gratefully accepted. some moderately detailed Trauma Stuff under the cut before I get to the thing I'd like advice on. tw for rape/sexual assault.]

I really want to tell two of the friends I still have from school about something that happened with my ex when I was 18. I really do want to tell them. I don't think I ever will. whatever 🙃

but I was like rehearsing in my head what I wanted to tell them and then I jumped from there to like. my general experience of high school boyfriends (It Was Not Good) and I got like. stuck. on this specific thing that happened when I was I think probably 18 or 19?

I think we'd left school and moved away and we were getting back together at New Year to catch up after not having seen each other for months. It was at a party at my friend's house and I was quite drunk and I really only remember flashes. anyway the upshot is his mum came in to find me mostly naked and almost unresponsive in my friend's bedroom with two of my exes (different exes. not the ex from the other thing) Doing Things. and she threw them out of the house and I was in floods of tears because I thought it was my fault and I very very vaguely remember my friend coming up to comfort me and he sat with me for the rest of the night.(I only remember anything about what happened after the blowup because I remember him being really firm that nobody blamed me or was mad at me, and I remember how I felt about that)

anyway I haven't talked to him much in the last decade, we've messaged and said hey hi I miss you we should hang out periodically but we live quite far apart and neither of us have had much call to be in the other's city for many years. but like. I really really really want to message him and be like hey I don't know if you remember this night, but if you do can you tell me what you think happened? like what it seemed like from your perspective? because my experience was really really interior and I also have literally no memories before or after.

I remember sitting on the stairs because I felt sick and overwhelmed and needed to get away from the party because I could hardly hold my head up. I remember my ex coming and sitting next to me and talking about how he hadn't had sex since we were dating and it was Literally Killing Him and he was going to die of it. then I think I have like a brief flash of both him and my other ex who was his best friend maneuvering me into the bedroom. then my friend's mum shouting and then getting kicked out and me being really confused and distressed that she wasn't angry with me, I thought it was because I was crying and she felt bad. then after that nothing again except the vague memory that I was comforted and sat with.

ANYWAY sorry I didn't mean to get into that either. because the thing is like. I really want to message and ask my friend what if anything he remembers. like what other people think happened. but. aside from the fact he may well say 'no I don't remember' I'm thinking like. It's kind of a dick move to message someone you've barely spoken to in years on a Thursday night and be like hey man can we have a potentially really unpleasant conversation? like I don't know what's up in his life I don't know if he's busy I don't know if he's ok (and also. he's very much the guy who only communicates through jokes memes and nonsense phrases. so it's a pretty big tone jump.)

like I think he would want to help. but I also don't think it's fair to just jump something on him. but I also won't. get to the point if I try to do a soft lead in. and all this is assuming he actually remembers.

so my question, if you've made it this far, is like. if you were this guy and your bestie from school who you've not talked to in a million years was like 'hey dude how's it going? weird question this Thursday night. do you remember a specific new year party when we were like 18 and your mum kicked [name] and [name] out of the house?' how would you. feel about that? what if you didn't remember? what if your memory of it was that it was mostly fine? what if your memory of it was that it was really awful and concerning?

like. should I message him? or should I just process it on my own?

[running-in-the-dark]

I've seen several posts today that made me think about school and I.. can't handle it? I can't think about school without wanting to scream so I need to talk about it to get it out of my head. This is probably going to be long and embarrassing.

I was bullied pretty severely in school. In elementary school it was fine, my friends and I were weird but we did our own thing and nobody really bothered us. And I was too busy being anxious and stressed about absolutely everything to care much anyway. But in high school it was bad. I dreaded going to school so much that I eventually just... stopped going. It wasn't just the other students, the teachers were just as bad really. I often couldn't do my homework (my home life wasn't normal, that's the nicest way I can put it) and would get yelled at or shamed for it every time, and I couldn't participate in class because I was so terrified that I couldn't remember any of the answers. I was also the only poor kid in a class of snobby kids from wealthy families (there were one or two from more average households but I was the only one who was actually poor).

I didn't go to school for weeks at a time starting in 6th grade (that made the bullying even worse when I did go). And no one cared. There was one teacher who called me at home once. She wanted to know if everything was okay, which it obviously wasn't, but I thought I was in trouble so I said yes of course it is (she was a wonderful teacher, and I don't know if she could have done more, but it still feels pretty shitty looking back on it now).

And that was that. My parents didn't care, my teachers didn't care, no one listened when I said that all I want is to go to a different school. I missed pretty much half of every school year until I dropped out six months before I would have graduated in grade 13. That's eight years. No one ever gave a fuck. I was a child. And no one did anything. Well - apart from constantly screaming at me that I was stupid and lazy and generally an awful person. Which certainly did not help me feel any safer at that fucking school.

So. I'm really fucking ashamed every time school comes up in any conversation (which happens surprisingly often). I did go to a different school two years after dropping out and got the best grades in my class (and the entire school actually; I'm not saying that to brag but because I feel worthless as a person if I don't, which is fun) so I'm clearly not 'stupid'. The difference was that the teachers there were amazing and kind and they cared about their students. And the kids in my class were far from perfect but they were mostly nice. It really would have been as simple as letting me go to a different school when I was 12 or something.

The reason that I finally dropped out was my English teacher, by the way. She did a really shitty thing that I'll probably never get over and I would have failed English because of it (the only class I was still getting good grades in, and the only class I cared about). I still can't think about anything related to Shakespeare without wanting to cry because what she did was related to that (how are you supposed to explain that to people? Oh no I don't like Shakespeare because even hearing/seeing his name makes me want to die? That's not very practical.) 🙃 It's ridiculous but that was one of the most traumatic things that's ever happened to me (it was objectively not that bad, certainly not worse than a lot of other things that have happened to me, which makes me feel like an absolute idiot for still being so affected by it 10 years later).

The worst part of it all is that no one can relate to most of this. This is not a normal thing that happens to lots of people. I've found that it's almost impossible to explain it to 'normal' people (like therapists or friends or people at uni or anyone else really). They can't believe that nobody did anything (it's not that surprising that my parents didn't notice or care that I'm probably neurodivergent, they didn't even care about this). Or they think I'm a terrible person because who does that? Who is like that? Not normal people that anyone wants to talk to. So I'm ashamed and I can't talk about it with anyone and the few times I've tried, I get such bad emotional flashbacks that I can't stop shaking and crying. It's great.

TL;DR I'm a mess.