#I didn't actually end up quite getting to as concrete a point as i'd intended but hopefully the intent is there

[moved-to-void-kissed]

actually no no no I can make something positive out of this

it’s going to end up long, but I can make something positive out of this

..It got long, so it’s under the readmore, but I think I made something positive out of this

So, Aria - my main Kingdom Hearts self-insert - came into existence as my avatar/player character for KHUX. Initially, I didn’t have much story planned for her, I just knew that she would be a Keyblade wielder who used darkness - I think I still have some super-old screenshots of her first ever outfit, before even the cat-eared hair (technically it’s actually called Puppy Hair in-game) was added to the game in a Union Cross event. She initially had Naminé’s hair, then Marluxia’s, and she had the Halloween Sora wings before the Halloween Crow ones were added.

Once the person who would become the one I called my best friend joined the party I was in, and we started talking, it didn’t take long for us to see lots of similarities to each other, and we joked that we were Heartless and Nobody counterparts - which is how the thing of Aria being a Heartless came about, because hey Heartless are cool but also how (we sorted out the how two seconds later), and also the idea of a Heartless being a Keyblade wielder - you know, wielding the one and only thing designed to destroy them - could have a lot of potential

So we kept talking, and moved parties and crossed unions together, and kept playing, and Aria kept developing as her own character (yet still, of course and always, staying as me), and once Anti-Aqua was first revealed for a few fleeting moments in a KH3 trailer, I somehow ended up thinking “hey, I can put her with her, wouldn’t that be neat”. I can only assume I’d already come up with Aria getting trapped in the realm of darkness after the Keyblade War by that point, since I knew she definitely wouldn’t have been chosen as a Dandelion due to her darkness.

As time passed, the one I called my best friend and I started talking to each other less and less - no fault of either of our own, I wouldn’t say, just the natural drifting away that can happen when one of you stops being interested in the thing that brought and kept you both together for multiple years. But, part of that - or rather, the later stages of it, given that it was only last year - coincided with me finding out about the selfship community. And, I think it was safe to say I was well aware of my feelings for Aqua by the time that happened, even if my focus at the time was playing Pokémon Reborn (which is basically why Luna and Aqua were my first two main romantic F/Os), so that combined with the fact that Aria already had a lot of development as a character to all go together very well.

But, finding out about the community here was also the initiative I needed to start thinking about what would happen to Aria in the timeline of the other games, and how her being with Aqua in the realm of darkness would actually work out and progress - them being together became almost the start of the story, rather than its very end. So, over the summer, that’s sort of when I started piecing things together - of when things happened, of what their meeting was like, of how we get torn apart and brought back together again, dancing around the timeline of the games - to still maintain what I hope is the feeling Aria’s meant to have maintained this whole time, or at least started out as having; that “there’s no reason why she isn’t canon according to what the game itself shows you” (with I suppose the only exception being the cutscenes that my most recent piece of writing replaces, since it writes out Anti-Aqua’s existence in the story).

That then led to me exploring Aria’s dynamic with Terra and Ventus, and giving her the ability to siphon darkness out of other people’s hearts and absorb it to strengthen herself, and how that tied perfectly into how she would realistically be able to make friends with them both, and prove herself to them by helping them. Then I started playing about with thoughts of her getting to meet Vanitas, of drawing him back out of Ven’s heart because of how the two had filled in the gaps left by the other and there wouldn’t have been enough space for them to go back to being one again, and giving him a chance at redemption and living for himself. And then now, at the moment, I’m thinking about other things to do with Aria, and the selfship as a whole, too - what her new outfit is like in her replica body, whether she loses the ability to wield a Keyblade after leaving Ves, how she would act on missions with Aqua, which villains she’d take down with her tactic, what she thinks of everyone else, and so on and so forth.

So, I suppose, what I was trying to say all along for this was - being part of this community has helped me develop Aria past the confines of the story of KHUX, because of how I use her to selfship with Aqua since she’s my self-insert. And so, without that, I would have technically had a whole lot more to lose now that KHUX is going down. So.. thank you all, for being here, I suppose?

[kirobsi]

Underwhelming, belated return

Hello! To preface this post, I want to state that it is dreadfully written, in that it's a stream of consciousness that I'm not revising. I'm just thinkin' of things to discuss on the spot, and writing them down. With that said,

It's been a long time since I've properly put one of these together. I'd argue that the one on Gamers back in September is the most recent, although "Catch-22 in Admiration" could certainly qualify. For me it comes down to a difference in effort and passion - for the former, I was making a proper blog post. The latter was intended to be similar, but was half-baked. And hey, since I have no concrete plan for this post, I'll go into that:

Catch-22 in Admiration's downfall was the supplemental SMBX showcase video. It overshadowed the blog post itself, and ultimately I was just more interested in it. I was going to write a lot more about fans and fanbases and my opinions on them, all revolving around STILL HERE, but... why bother? It was a lot of work that just did not appeal to me, and frankly, the majority of the reason I wanted to write anything was to have an excuse to share the song, since I think it's pretty great. I said as such in the post itself.

But my opinion on fans is something I'd like to express anyway. It may not be particularly groundbreaking or deep, but it's not like I went into proper detail before, so... why not?

Personally, I quite like having fans! Or, maybe more accurately, two people who've commented on my stuff and said it was good, whom I had never had contact with prior. What I'm saying is shoutouts to you two, you know who you are. (although I believe only the most recent of you will end up reading this lol [thank you a lot for that Twitter DM by the way!], or neither.) I've been uploading videos to Youtube for over ten years now, my first channel being created in 2011, and before September I hadn't had a single person I didn't know find and comment on the things I'd actually put effort into. Granted, with like two exceptions I only actually made anything of substance starting in 2018, but that's still about three years with no audience outside my friends. I'm firmly okay with making art solely for myself and those I know, I think a timeframe like this would filter out anyone who isn't, but it feels really nice to have someone positively acknowledge what I've done after all this time.

But I've gotten a little lucky, haven't I? The two people who've complimented my work (outside of those in the Spelunky community who watched "Carlibraun") didn't end up being awful people. Or so it seems, I mean, I guess anything is possible, but I haven't gotten that impression. Just as easily, I think transphobic people could've stumbled across my work, or those who are a little less kind to scripted videos made in a few hours each. There are various forms of harassment I'm sure I could have gotten, and will inevitably get, that I've luckily avoided thus far. Even an 'angry gamer type' who strongly disagrees with my assessment on YIIK, for example, could've chimed in with a well-reasoned "you fucking idiot! yiik is objectively one of the worst games ever made, why are you giving it the benefit of the doubt? are you just a contrarian?"

I'll touch on the notion of being a contrarian later, but for now I want to actually take this point somewhere - that being that, as I mentioned in Catch-22, I kinda strongly despise fanbases. I think part of that is unreasonable intolerance, maybe a bit of ableism if you wanna read into it further, but I can't stand certain types of fans I see of others' work. I want people who see and engage with my stuff to be reasonable people, by my standards, ones who don't mindlessly parrot the contents of my or somebody else's video... Are my standards too high? Probably. Am I unnecessarily negative about such people? Absolutely. They're just showing their appreciation! There's nothing wrong with that, and I sincerely can't even poke a hole in it. But if I am to build some sort of community, which is a thought I honestly can't even fathom at the moment (what I picture is basically a friend group but that's highly infeasible lol), then I'd like it to consist of people who have their own opinions, who are what I'd deem "intelligent."

I'm clearly elitist, and I think that could be a detriment at some point if gone unchecked. It's something I'll surely work on if I end up garnering such an audience. At the moment, though? This is all speculation. I have no actual reason to believe I'll gain any more fans beyond this point. I think it's likely, but it's not guaranteed. I could go another 6 years without so much as a new subscriber if I'm particularly unlucky. Part of that is that I don't and won't advertise my stuff outside of posting a link on Twitter (which I don't link to from anywhere lol so calling that advertising is generous) or posting it in one of the current three servers I'm in where sharing creative work is encouraged. Will the Spelunky community Discord server be invested in my thematic reading of Not Another Needle Game? I doubt it - I'm a nobody in the community nowadays and NANG is an irrelevant 8 year old game. Would the Transparency server be interested in my mechanical analysis and comparison of Super Monkey Ball: Banana Mania and the games it's a remake of? Maybe, but they're certainly bigger on the literary analysis or grander essay type of content.

Anyway, my point is that this elitist attitude is something I'd like to work on going forward, assuming I even get an audience. However, that doesn't mean I'll tolerate certain things that I deem unacceptable. Bigoted shit is obvious, and... well, I can't actually think of other examples lol but I'm sure there's other stuff I'd try to distance myself from. On top of that, I'll probably never make a Discord server for any of the stuff I do - at some point I'd have to close it off to the public and that'd unfairly exclude people. At the same time, it honestly does feel kind of tempting though lol, which is an unexpected development. I guess historically I was a lot more against the idea.

But yes! Fans are cool, but some aren't, and I should lower the standards I have for them. I went on about that for far longer than I needed do, but hey, I said this was an unedited stream of consciousness and it very much is.

Anyway, I was gonna write more here but I'm getting tired. I'll try to do that tomorrow! I have notes for it and everything, even a paragraph written up, but I just wasn't gonna finish it tonight without putting it off like this. Thanks for reading!

~Kiri