#I did a few dumb impulsive things recently and I'm still angry at myself for doing them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

artemismatchalatte · 4 months

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Bipolar Impulsivity is starting to Ruin my Life...

Is it August yet??? I just want this class to be over and done with. Give me my degree and get out of my face!!!

I'm so tired and irritated by how everything I do feels like nothing or the wrong thing (This class is so fucking overwhelming). I've been a bit impulsive lately and I'm still kicking myself out of the stupid things I did lately.

I can understand now why one of my friends from when I was younger wants nothing to do with me now. I was trying to talk to her last week but she left me on read for a whole week. I was going to try to invite her to a concert with me but if she doesn't even want to talk to me then I'm obviously NOT going with her. (She's an IRL friend who I grew up with). So now I'm stuck with these tickets I bought and scraped the hell out of my savings for. Not her fault, of course, my dumb ass should NOT have bought the tickets b/c I can't really afford them. 200 dollars is SO MUCH Fucking money. Especially because I make almost nothing. I'm going to have to either return or resell the tickets. >:(

One of my online friends goes to concerts a lot and I thought it would be fun to go see Avril Lavinge but I basically shouldn't have bought the tickets. He has a real job so he can afford the concerts- I can't. My shitty part time job does not pay enough for me to do things like this. I think I was just so stupid and impulsive and bought the tickets because I wanted to do something fun. My life is SO boring right now. But wow, it was so stupid to splurge on something I really cannot afford.

My impulsivity also led me to talk to a bunch of people on reddit too and I REALLY regret some of those conversations. I'm so pissed at myself. I've been taking my medicine like I'm supposed to but I'm actually being affected by bipolar symptoms any way. Fuck. Being tired of my life/bored/lonely is a very bad combination and I've been feeling it lately. I guess this is what I get instead of the more predictable spring hypomania that I used to get on my old medication???

#I'm so tired and not about it today #I just spent the last few hours printing articles #I hope it will be enough but I am not liking this class either #I am so tired of school can I please just leave already???#If there was an instant quit button no consequences I would have hit that button already #But life has consequences so I won't be impulsive and stupid about this too #I did a few dumb impulsive things recently and I'm still angry at myself for doing them #My medicine is supposed to stop impulsivity- I'm pretty sure as it is a bipolar issue #I am weighing whether or not a convo I want to have with one of my friends is a good idea or not... BUT I don't want to ruin anything #I keep talking to people on reddit because I'm bored and lonely- it's probably not a good thing #I do want legitimate friendships but this is probably a bad way to go about it #and so many of the men get weird on me so fast- wow no thank you!!! :(#Why is everyone so boring/can't hold a conversation to save their lives??? :/#I don't know what I'm even doing any more #I'm just so not happy with where my life is going #I really don't want to be poor forever and I'm afraid my disability is going to permanently ruin my chance at a good life #I make peanuts at my current job and it's embarassing how easy it is to burn through my pathetic little pay checks #and now I'm about 35k in debt now from this STUPID MA that I don't even know what to do with!!!#Don't say teach I have NO interest in being a part of the education system at all #This IS a RANT post!!!#I'm probably in a bad mood because I'm so tired UGH #My mood was bound to crash eventually #mychatter #bipolar #actually bipolar

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