#I cried like ten times writing this post I'm a fucking mess

[stevieschrodinger]

I really want to write this fic but I don't have time so have this.

Post upside down, everyone lives/nobody dies.

Steve and Eddie get together, Steve deals with his gay crisis. Eddie works through his 'holy shit I'm dating Steve Harrington' crisis, and they settle together. It actually turns into a long term relationship and Eddie starts to get comfortable.

Steve does not.

Steve's got a string of rejection and one night stands behind him, so he's kind of watching for signs of the same from Eddie.

Eddie settles in for the long haul, so the honeymoon period kind of wears off a little. Maybe it takes a while, maybe a year or a little more, but it does happen. They get jobs, Eddie has band practice and DnD nights.

And Steve Harrington who has confused sex with love since he was fourteen, doesn't handle it well. He starts keeping track of every time Eddie is 'too tired' or 'ive literally just showered, I wanted to sleep' or ' Steve I wanted to watch this movie' or the hundred other reasons Eddie turns him down all the time.

Eddie doesn't even try to initiate sex anymore, he just turns Steve down half the time or more. And Steve's got a hell of a sex drive, he knows, but Eddie's refusals hurt. They hurt every time, they make him feel unwanted, worthless. Unloved.

And worse, Steve likes their place to be tidy. Something that doesn't even seem to register with Eddie. He seems to be actually blind to anything untidy, like he literally can't see the dishes in the sink or all the books and crap he's left everywhere.

And it drives Steve fucking nuts. He says something. Eddie responds with 'leave it, I'll get it,' but Eddie's time frames for 'getting it' seems to be days long, despite it being a ten minute job.

So Steve stops complaining, and just accepts that Eddie doesn't care at all about how Steve feels, considering Steve has tried to explain to Eddie that he literally can't settle if his space is too messy.

Eddie doesn't even seem to want to understand.

Steve suddenly feels like he's committing some sort of crime because he wants their place to be tidy.

So he just does it all, keeps his mouth shut, and accepts the fact that Eddie doesn't love him. Because Eddie doesn't want him, and Eddie doesn't care about how he feels, and it doesn't matter that Eddie tells him he loves him a hundred times a day, because words don't mean shit.

It's action that talks.

And that goes on for ages, Steve slowly becoming more and more worn down. He stops trying to initiate sex; he's pretty certain Eddie doesn't even notice.

Steve cries about it when Eddie isn't there. Thinks about packing up and just leaving and going to Robs for a while. Thinks he's being melodramatic even if it doesn't feel it.

Comes home after a long day at work and the place is a mess and Eddie's just. Laid on the sofa. Steve looses it.

And he cries like, angry embarrassed tears as it all comes spilling out. And then he just...locks himself in the bathroom.

And obviously they sort it and live happily ever after and meet in the middle with all this stuff. Eddie probably talks to the girls about it and Robs just like..

So do the dishes? It takes two minutes and it will make him happy? You want him to be happy right? And she is right, so Eddie just...spends 20 minutes a day tidying. 20 minutes is nothing, and Steve always looks so thrilled and pleased when he comes home and everything is tidy. So it's easy to just get in the habit of doing it, especially when Steve's so grateful and affectionate with his thanks, and Eddie didn't realise until that moment how cold and absent Steve had become.

Eddie's sex drive just isn't as high as Steve's, it just isn't, but he finds when he's not in the mood, Steve is happy to jerk off while Eddie plays with his nipples and kiss him and tell him how much he loves him.

[captorations]

tw: animal death (nonviolent, elderly.) long post which also features kittens named after TLT characters, to which the warning does not apply.

this is Twilight. he was named for the streaks of orange on his belly, which were even more pronounced as a kitten. not for the vampire series, thank you very much; that nonsense didn't take off until a few months after i named him. he was chosen to be a ten-year-old's first pet because his response to being picked up by a human, as a recently-captured feral kitten, was to purr. not stress-purr, either. his default response to any kind of attention was to purr, absurdly loudly, and this never changed at any point in his life.

he could be grouchy and unpredictable at times, and he never cared for other cats in his space, but he was quite content to live his life alongside mine. he was never a lapcat, preferring instead to curl up somewhere nearby and burst out into purring if i so much as looked at him. i learned his language, able to determine the difference between and meanings of his vocalizations, and he learned mine, responding to his name and offering attention when i was upset. one of the first times Twilight ever came up on my bed with me, when we were both very small, was after a nightmare. sure enough, he was often at my side as i struggled with constant nightmares throughout last year.

but, well. you read the warning. he passed in february, peacefully and painlessly. i miss him dearly. he was my companion for what will for a few years yet count as the majority of my life, and i will always be grateful to him for waiting to go until the evening my partner arrived back home, so she could be with me when he went.

he was, and i recognize that i am quite lucky to have avoided it for so long, the first lost loved one i've had to grieve. and i did grieve. i always will, a little bit. i may have cried while writing this. that's one of the reasons i didn't talk about it here until now.

the other reason is a happier one. i wanted to have good news along with the bad. and i do!

of course i'd thought about what i would do when Twilight passed. my plan was to find a bonded pair of adult cats in need of adoption. but then, as Twilight started to inch past the division between "old cat" and "elderly cat," my partner happened to befriend a feral breeding pair and work to socialize each year's kittens to, hopefully, make it more possible for them to be domesticated by someone else. no TNR programs out there in the sticks, and it wouldn't be ethical to try to domesticate the feral adults.

so. when Twilight passed, and once i had recovered from the worst of it, our attention turned to this year's kittens. it wasn't by any means a guarantee. we couldn't steal them at the ideal age, as the mother was clever and cautious, and taught them to be the same. all the more so because my partner had stolen one of a previous litter to be her mother's pet.

there were so many factors going into this. how many kittens would there be? how many would, and unfortunately this was something we could do nothing about, survive long enough to be socialized and captured? would they like us? would we be forced to make a heartbreaking choice, leaving one or even multiple kittens to remain wild, with all the danger and hardship that entails?

well, the answers to those questions are, in order: two, both, yes, and no. in other words, everything went perfectly. and i'm very glad it did, because i can't even pretend i didn't practically fall in love with them on sight.

i honestly thought my partner was messing with me when she reported a black cat with gold eyes and a grey cat with silver eyes. that couldn't be real. there was no fucking way the universe was handing me two kittens that perfectly match major characters from the locked tomb series, i.e. the most powerful influence on me since homestuck itself.

but no, that's what actually happened. and even though the grey kitten's eyes eventually turned gold too, it hardly mattered, when their personalities started lining up with the characters they resembled. i didn't plan to name my next cats after tlt characters. in fact, i'm a little wary of giving animals the names of characters at all, even derivatives thereof; i prefer to appreciate them as their own selves, not a reflection of another.

however, i make a policy of not ignoring serendipity. we captured them effortlessly, mostly thanks to my partner's work in socializing them. both my partner and i had name ideas, but we agreed not to discuss them until the kittens had been examined by a vet, both in case of health concerns and to confirm genders. sure, gender is fake, and even faker for pets, but whatever.

the vet visit was yesterday, and as we suspected, both are female. so, after comparing notes and compromising on names, i present to you: Nona and Millie, respectively.

i actually had planned to name the black kitten "Hark," but my partner convinced me otherwise, and honestly she's right. Nona suits her better, in personality, in her capacity for violence (against toys, neither has scratched or bitten us even once since capture) hidden by a meek and easily spooked front, and in her habit of following Millie's lead but sometimes wandering off and trying new things and/or getting into trouble. i'll get over the weirdness of the directly copied name soon enough. it's already led to fun sentences, like "Nona spent the entire ride home hiding under a towel." (Nona likes to hang out under things. Millie prefers to climb things. in my partner's terms, Nona is a bush cat and Millie is a tree cat.)

meanwhile, Millie is a double reference. she's mostly named for Camilla Hect, but also for the Millie from warrior cats, who is one of the MVPs of the series, fight me. as mentioned, Millie usually takes the lead between the two. she's a little more cautious about new things, but will accept them after Nona inevitably tries them first. she defaults to protecting Nona when they're both spooked, taking point in the defensive huddle.

please appreciate Nona hiding in the top right photo. she is a black cat who knows she's a black cat, and acts appropriately.

they've adjusted incredibly well. it took about a week for them to be indistinguishable from domestic-born cats, at least when they're around me. my partner handled socialization, getting them accustomed to humans enough that we could capture them with minimal stress. i'm handling domestication, the process of guiding them through their new environment and the expectations of exclusively indoor, household animals. (these expectations are: being cute, not causing too much chaos, keeping us company, and seeking attention at whatever frequency they choose.)

we're both very good with animals, but i have the advantage of being raised by two veterinarians. so even though they were almost four months old on capture, older than is recommended for domestication attempts, i was pretty damn sure i could pull it off. and i did, not least because they're both very smart and adaptable in their own right.

so! thank you for reading this absurdly long post about the personal life of an altogether fairly generic tumblr user. as a reward, you get a video of Millie being annoyed at Nona for going somewhere she can't follow. (note: when Millie goes somewhere Nona can't follow, Nona gets sad and upset and meows pitifully about it.)

[alloftheendgamefeelings]

Endgame spoilers

Talking about arcs, rewards, and empty space. And, because I’m me, explicitly tracing character arcs through all of the movies, even though anyone who cares enough to read this probably already knows.

The hardest part for me, dealing with Nat’s death Endgame, is realizing that there were a few different things happening simultaneously.

There was the arc I was reading into the ten years of the MCU, and I genuinely felt rewarded because, in interviews pre-movie, it sounded like Scarlett Johansson saw Natasha in the same way that I had: that what she wanted, more than anything, was to find a place where she belonged, where she could love and be loved without fear of rejection. Where she was valued as a person rather than just as an asset.

And you can trace it. In IM2, you can see her realizing that while Iron Man isn’t qualified for the Avengers Initiative, his found family is what makes him special. You see it in her careful recitation of “love is for children” but her absolute loyalty to Clint. You see it in how she puts in the work to befriend Steve. You see how she just accepts that Tony doesn’t trust her because of IM2 in Avengers, but how hurt she is that Steve doesn’t trust her in Cap2, or that Nick’s’ small circle excluded her. You see it in her only goal in Cap3 being to keep the team together, joining Team Stark not because she believed in the Accords but because it was the best way to stop them from being separated, and she went to Steve in that church and she gave him as much of herself as she could.

And there was another arc, the one I liked much less. The one that kept repeating. The one where, since the time when Clint recruited her, no one has ever just accepted that she’s not a threat. We see it over and over: other characters don’t trust Natasha, and she has to do the work to prove that she’s trustworthy, and they grudgingly agree to accept her until the next time she has to show she’s worth taking a risk on even if their goals aren’t exactly identical.

But then there’s the arc that was on screen. If you actually look at what was in the movies- not the deleted scenes, not the novelizations, not the interviews, not what we got out of comics- so little of this is actually there. So much of it is those of us who care about Nat connecting dots (about her and around her), and making educated guesses.

As a result, we never actually find out what, canonically, she wants. And when you think about this movie, you realize: that’s not true for any of the rest of them.

Clint wanted his family happy and safe. We see that in how no one knew about them until Ultron, we see how much it kills him to leave them in Civil War, and we see how even though he’s wearing an ankle monitor he’s delighted to be picnicking with his wife and kids. His relief when Laura calls is palpable, and we see how close he holds the kids during Tony’s funeral.

Bruce didn’t want to be a monster, too dangerous to be around people. And while we have no idea HOW he became Professor Hulk, he did it, and now the guy who thought his inability to have kids made him a monster has them coming up to him for photographs.

Thor never wanted to be king, but it was his responsibility. Once New Asgard was settled and he’d killed Thanos, he felt lonely and directionless, and mostly just played Fortnite. He got one last time to spend with his mom, which gave him the boost he needed to consider a new life: one where he lets someone else take the crown, who can actually handle it, who he trusts, while he gets to fuck off to space to have more adventures.

Tony wanted to not grow up to be his father, but also wanted his dad’s approval. He got both of those. We see how much he loved Morgan, and how well he took care of her; we see how he was able to advise his father, and even get that hug.

Steve... Steve’s a weird case here, because he talked about that missed dance, and he got it. The missed dance always seemed like a metaphor for all the things he’d missed out on, and that he’d chosen a different path, and everyone lives with regrets and etc. But here he got the opportunity to take exactly what he’d always held up as that one big thing he missed, and he took it. Whether or not it works for you as a viewer, he got exactly what he’d been looking for since his first movie.

My first instinct was to say that Nat, in this movie, doesn’t get what she wants. And while I stand by that, I also can’t prove it, because we don’t KNOW what she wants as much as they wanted those things. In this movie she says she’d always wanted a family and now she has it with the team, but we don’t get to see that. We see what they mean to her; we don’t see that she means the same to them.

So the closest Natasha gets to joy is probably flying with Clint on the way to her death, and that isn’t the same as, say, Scott’s realization that Cassie isn’t missing. Every other character gets the joy of human connection. Natasha gets “Shit, space is cool.”

So going back to her death- it would have been upsetting no matter what. Because she wasn’t getting what she wanted. But if they’d done more with the aftermath, it could have been a cap to her arc of wanting a place to belong. It could have shown that it wasn’t just how much her family meant to her, but how much she meant to them.

I mean, look. Clint is clearly upset with the cost of the soul stone. Bruce tried to bring her back with the gauntlet. The whole team made noises about valuing her, and I don’t doubt it.

But her loss had no real narrative weight- not like Tony’s did. There was not a single moment during the fight where they acknowledged we could really use Natasha to help us win here. As much as I felt it (I sobbed), the gorgeous scene with all the women fighting doesn’t seem to really HAVE that bittersweet note of how Nat should be there. There was not a moment where anyone realized how much she’d always been responsible for, in terms of handling the aftermath. Clint’s kids call Natasha “Auntie Nat,” but we don’t see them mourning her, while we do see them at Tony’s funeral. We don’t see anyone surprised that Natasha chose to sacrifice herself for Clint and for her family and for the world, but we also don’t see anyone grateful for it.

Don’t get me wrong. Natasha was resplendent in this movie. She was brave, and noble, and good. She did what no one else was strong enough to do: she stayed, and she worked, and she gave all that she could for five years of absolute devastation, and then she gave even more. Natasha was a hero. But from Iron Man 2 on, Natasha was a hero. She didn’t grow to this point. She was here all along.

You know the biggest Nat moment for me all movie? It wasn’t her at the desk with all the people reporting in, or even her dying to let Clint live. It was the moment when Steve checked to see if she was okay, because in her previous six movies, that was never something anyone thought to do- after extreme trauma, sure, but not just when she was doing something hard. That moment of her not being taken for granted was a throwaway line, but I had so much hope that it was leading to more. And it didn’t.

So maybe the answer is that Natasha’s arc didn’t have an ending, because Natasha never had an arc. Other characters’ shifting perspectives of her never had to follow a path, and her journey never had to, because no one- aside from ScarJo and parts of the audience, I guess- cared about it. But I don’t like that read at all. I want to read Natasha’s sacrifice as closure.

I want there to be something I missed that proved that her growth was important to the Infinity Saga. I am trying so fucking hard to find a way that Natasha’s actions in this movie signified growth for her, rather than just a way for the narrative to remove one of the pieces and prove its stakes.

If you find one, please let me know.

[lancetuckershairgel]

Christmas gift for @southernbell91

Summary: One shot where Tony and Steve have some fun with Peter and Bucky

Warnings: light bondage, blindfold, edging, dom/sub, Peter Parker's Daddy kink, ass eating, use of a crop, cum swapping, cum drinking, bottom!Bucky

Author Note: As with all the fics I write with Peter hes over 18 years of age. I cannot do a cut on mobile.

"What do you think, Tony? Ever seen a more beautiful sight?"

"No, I haven't. Its breathtaking."

The two men stood at the foot of the California king sized bed slowly sipping on their glasses of fine scotch as they looked at the sight before them. Bucky and Peter were splayed out and tied to the bed, hands stretched above their heads and legs spread apart. Bucky's left leg and Peter's right one were tied together at the thigh, knee and ankle, and their other legs were tied to the bed posts. Blindfolds were tied tightly around their heads, preventing them from seeing what their partners had planned. 

"You ready to play, Cap?" 

"I was born ready" Steve licked his lips "You take one, I'll take the other"

Peter and Bucky couldn't see but Steve pointed to exactly who he wanted to toy with first. At Tony's nod, Steve walked around to Peter's side of the bed and began to run his hands over the smaller boy's body. Peter let out a soft gasp as Steve touched him, not knowing which man was toying with his nipples.  

"Daddy?" Peter's head tilted as he questioned 

"Shhh baby"

Tony's voice drifted from the other side of the bed and Bucky's cock twitched with anticipation. Bucky groaned as he felt Tony's mouth wrap around his cock and he writhed his hips. 

"Stay still, Buck. Be a good boy." 

"Yes, Sir." Bucky moaned out as his cock sank deeper into Tony's mouth

Peter mewled as Steve's hand brushed over his balls before he trailed his fingers up Peter's long shaft. 

"He's so pretty Tony.  Listen to those sounds he makes" 

Peter's cheeks turned a bright pink. Tony and Steve continued to play with their bound partners bodies, touching and kissing in all the sweetest spots until they were both begging to be fucked. 

"Oh, don't worry boys, we're going to fuck you but I have something else in mind first." Tony smirked at Steve who winked back

"We're going to play a game. The two of you are going to have a little competition and whoever comes first loses."

 Peter whimpered, knowing the odds were stacked against him and the other three men all smirked. 

"What are you smiling about, Bucky? This isn't going to be easy for you."

"I know, but I'm going to win"

"We'll see about that."

Tony and Steve knelt between their respective partners legs and began the game. Each man had a bottle of lube and a vibrator was their chosen tool for the night. Bucky gasped as Steve slid a lube finger into his hole, his hips arching off the bed. Steve worked his finger around the tight hole before adding another one and scissoring them, causing Bucky to beg Steve for more. Tony chuckled as he watched Steve play with Bucky, his own fingers knuckle deep in Peter who was already moaning like a slut. The two used their free hands to pour lube along their partners cocks and stroked them as another finger was pushed into the needy holes. A punishing pace was srt with both the fingering and the stroking and it wasn't long before both of the submissives were struggling to hold onto their orgasms. 

"Fuck!" Bucky growled, lifting his head off the mattress and throwing it back, Steve's fingers pressing against his prostate "Fuck this isn't fair!" 

Steve just chuckled and kept assaulting Bucky, keeping up the pace he had set. Peter wasn't having much better luck, the swollen head of his cock already leaking onto Tony's hand every time it came up and squeezed. 

"Daddy! Daddy please, I can't take anymore, slow down!"

"That wasn't the rule Peter." Tony twisted his hand, all three fingers buried to the hilt in Peter, stretching him open. 

Steve picked up the vibrating wand and turned on the switch, placing it directly on the underside of the head of Bucky's cock. A loud, nearly animalistic growl left Bucky's throat, his hips jerking in attempt to move away but Steve kept up, unrelenting. 

Knowing that the boys were close to cumming, Tony grabbed two small cups, much like the ones doctors use to collect urine samples, and handed one to Steve.  They removed their hands from their boys' asses and Steve passed the vibrator to Tony before he began rapidly stroking Bucky's cock. Just as Tony was about to begin torturing Peter's aching cock with the toy, Bucky came into the cup Steve held at his cock, staves hand milking every drop.  

"You lost, Buck" Steve said with a hint of glee in his tone "You get to be punished"

Bucky was too busy reeling from his orgasm to respond, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he tried to catch his breath.  

"Do I get a prize, Daddy?" Peter asked hopefully

"Of course you do, Baby." Tony smirked

Steve and Tony made quick work of untying Bucky and Peter and repositioned them so that Bucky was laying with his head hanging off the edge of the bed. They moved Peter si that he was straddling Bucky's face, facing away from the bed and they bound his arms behind his back. 

"Bucky, you're going to eat Peter's ass until he cums." Steve instructed 

"That isn't a punishment" 

Bucky's chuckle was cut off by the slap of a crop coming down directly in the center of his chest. He hissed and Tony pushed down on Peter's shoulders until his ass was smothering Bucky, who began to hungrily lap at his abused hole. Peter moved back and forth on Bucky's face, his balls rolling over the older man's nose. 

Tony took Peter's cock in his hand and vegan to stroke it slowly as Steve continued to bring the crop down onto Bucky's chest, making sure to hit his nipples directly.  Bucky's moans and grunts were muffled by the tight ass pressed against his face and the whines elicited from Peter as Tony jerked him. 

"Please Daddy. I want to cum so badly! I can't take it anymore!"

"Okay Baby" Tony gave him a kiss before he picked up the vibrator. He chuckled when Peter whimpered. "I'm going to put the toy against your cock and then count down from ten. If you cum before I get to one, you'll be whipped like Bucky is. Do you understand me?"

"Y-yes Daddy" Peter nodded eagerly

The boy squealed and bucked against Bucky's tongue when the toy was ran along his cock, sliding back so that his balls were in Bucky's mouth. Bucky began to suck on the testicles,being careful not to bite as his chest stung from every strike of the crop Steve gave him. 

"Ten" Tony began "Nine"

"Daddy I can't, please!" 

"Eight." Tony continued to count, his voice stern

Peter bit his lip, everything becoming over stimulating for him. The sound of the crop hitting against Bucky's skin and the feeling of having his balls sucked and the vibrations on his cock mixed with Tony's dominating voice left him a mindless mess. He babbled, drool spilling from his mouth as he focused on not cumming. 

"Three, two" Tony paused and Peter nearly cried from the frustration "One. Cum, Baby"

Peter cried as his orgasm shot through him, his cum filling the cup Tony was holding. Peter was so spent that he nearly fell over but Steve dropped the crip and reached out, catching him and pulling him to the bed to lay him down.  Both Bucky and Peter laid out on the bed, panting and exhausted, their bodies slick with sweat. Steve and Tony stroked them softly, kissing them and telling them what good boys they were.While providing their boys with loving after care, Tony and Steve jerked themselves off into the cups. Tony's cum mixed with Peter's and Steve's mixed with Bucky's. When Bucky and Peter were more at themselves the dominates sat them up on the bed, untied Peter's arms,and handed them the cups of cum. They then removed the blindfolds and stood in front of them. 

"Bucky, you have Peter and Tony's cum and Peter, you have mine and Buckys.  Drink up." Steve ordered, his arms crossed over his chest

Bucky raised an eyebrow, a bit unsure, but Peter quickly downed his cum shot, licking the inside of the cup with a slutty moan. Bucky shrugged and drank his cup, repeating the licking action. 

"You two are so much fun." Tony smiled, reaching out to cup Peter's chin "We should do this again."

The other three men agreed. They would definitely have more playtime together in the future.

[mxcrowe]

hey friendo i sent you an ask a while back and idk if you answered it or if im just an idiot so i'm gonna send you a new one! you said that you have your own sides? i've put a little bit of thought into it but like i don't have any ideas yet. what are yours like? (also please tag me in this ask because i can never find them)

Oh my, people actually want to know about my sides? I'm actually rlly happy oml thanks for asking!!

So, I've got five sides planned rn, maybe I'll be adding more? But for now, we have:

Anxiety (Audie)- Responsible for all my fears, insecurities, a lil bit of depression,  and, well... Anxiety. And they're a huge dick. They won't hesitate to call on your bullshit, deck you over a box of paperclips, and sell you to Satan for one (1) corn chip. Frankly, they're v angry half of the time and they're ready to throw hands at any given moment. But, let's be honest, Audie's like the most sensitive person in the world and a big softie, especially with Intuition and Virtue. Mostly Intuition. Also, the living, breathing example of a tsundere and will snap your neck if you call them that. (I just realized he might actually be Yurio, oh my god)

Intuition (Tallis)- Responsible for my ability to make decisions, intelligence, common sense, and useless random facts. Tallis is extremely insecure about their intelligence and feel like they're not good enough for their role, unable to voice their own thoughts since they think it's not needed or not "smart enough", so they keep quiet most of the time. They're just a huge mental mess, objectively speaking, and most likely the most angsty one, excluding Audie. Audie's the one who tries to help Tallis to speak up and value their intelligence, despite them having a rocky sort of relationship with each other. Also, a colossal nerd who can recite conversations in TV show and books to a tee. Probably owns a million of those fidget cubes and somehow managed to break all of them. Mom Friend™

Innovation (Elci)- Responsible for my artistry, obsessions, romantic feelings, and self-confidence. Speaking of self-confidence... Elci's is way below the floor, but hey, they try!! They get easily distracted and they either never get things done or work on 1000000000 things at once and somehow finish all of them, but they're all kinda shitty. They're into all of the fandoms. All of them. And probably writes shitty fanfiction about themself and Robbie Rotten. Their ADHD is in M A X I M U M  O V E R D R I V E all the time and they cannot stop. Help them. Also personal space??? Who's she????? Never heard of her. They won't hesitate on passionately making out with you, yes homo. Intrusive thoughts 24/7 bitchhhhh.

Virtue (Sabri)- Responsible for emotions, optimism, memories, and my childlike demeanor. Imagine Phil Lester, and multiply it by ten. That's Sabri. Also ADHD, but a bit more toned down than Elci's. Cries all day every day about the most trivial of things ("Why are you crying now?" "The wind blew too hard on me, I thought me and the wind were friends! But wind hates me!! I'm sad!!!!!!"). One time they're giggling at absolutely everything and is in pure Bliss, and as soon as you know it, they're locked inside the bathroom bawling their eyes out for three weeks. There's no in-between. They have no idea how to cope with anything, so they just. Let things happen. Has v v dark humor and it catches everyone off guard, meanwhile Audie's just cackling in the background.

Slack (Reece)- Responsible for my procrastination, exhaustion, will of doing tasks, and carelessness. Reece gives absolutely no fucks on anything whatsoever and has probably been caught by the police a few hundred times. An actual slut with high standards. Never thinks twice and just gets themself in trouble every goddamn day, they don't know how to care for themself. Them and Audie are besties and often get together to plan on how to fuck everyone over in less than three minutes. Their record is 25 seconds, and they'll soon break that record again. No one is safe from the Power Duo Of Fuckery™.

HOO BOY THAT TOOK WAY LONGER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE.

So yeah, there you have it. The Crowe Sides. That doesn't have a nice ring to it, nevermind-

I'll probably be posting some drailwings of them in the future, that is if anyone wants to see them. We'll see.

@charlie-frown

[mymusicalitylove]

Dive

In my feels. Trying to be productive and direct them in a positive way.

The other night I feel like I broke because the latest disappointment (that I created for myself), came to the surface. I took a hot shower, cried and told myself to let it all go. Hardest I have cried in a long time because I replayed a lot of scenarios about this endless loop I seem to be stuck in: I give up on this notion called ‘love’, discard it and begin to focus elsewhere.. then along comes another unsuspecting fool that says all the right things to get me twitterpated and caught up in the fantasies my brain creates. I get sucked in and think, ok, maybe this will go somewhere.. just to BAM! Slam my face into a wall of unending disappointment. Wash, rinse, repeat. It feels as though this scene has been on replay about eleventeen times over these last few years, and all I can say is: How. Fucking. Stupid (Who is the REAL fool? Ya, that’s me).

I went to bed after my therapeutic shower and slept ok, but kept waking up. I finally decided to get up and be productive, and had Ed Sheeran’s “Dive” stuck in my head. Hadn’t heard it in a while so I’m not sure where it came from, but it stayed with me the entire morning. 

My entries on this thing almost always relate to music and how the lyrics relate to my life. I’ve saved some drafts with songs I’ve wanted to write about later. When I realized I wasn’t going back to sleep, I decided to write; I checked my drafts and whoa.. “Dive” was already on there.. I don’t even remember saving it. 

(Despite there being a few too many typos for my taste in this post above, I feel it, Rising Woman!)

September 2019 is the most notable time I can remember starting the self-destructive cycle. My boss left at work and I decided I needed to do something to change my life up. I put all my energy into planning my amazing sabbatical in Italy. Everything was set up; all the wheels were in motion for me to see Europe, do me selfishly, and not worry about shit! In my mind I put together plans of sightseeing, concerts, volunteering, gymming, wandering, and getting lost in the country I fell in love with a year prior.

In October on a night out with friends, I met an EMT at a bar. He worked his bullshit game, and did it well because he was intriguing. He made me feel good over a two hour convo that honestly felt like a first date, and convinced me to give him the digits (which I don’t freely give to strangers). Too bad the man never called. Womp, womp.

After a taste of those vibes I craved that “feeling” again. I tried a dating app again for a couple months. In a comical turn of events, said dating app matched me with this same EMT! This presented me with the opportunity to call his ass out, and incidentally feel validated as to why it actually was better he never called. Talked to a few other guys on the app, but really can only report on a couple stupid funny anecdotes of just how sad it is that guys don’t know how to talk to women anymore. At least this time I wasn’t taking it seriously and only did it for shits and giggles. Decided okay, just keep focusing on plans for Italy, stacking that paper, and looking forward to the new year (*point and laugh at the idiot who had no idea what 2020 had in store!*). 

In January a boy (with a girlfriend) who I’d had innocent flirtation vibes with for a while tells me he’s now single. I had already placed him in the “not gonna happen” folder, and his confession obviously began a different wave of chemistry and banter for months. We had a conversation about the reality of where I am/what I’m ready for, and where he’s at/what he’s not ready for. Oh, and in the midst of all this, Covid hits and I have to make the heartbreaking decision to cancel Italy and deal with the feels of defeat that followed. And let’s also add all the sadness of being stuck with only me, myself and my thoughts in quarantine.

One last convo in April with “previously not gonna happen” sealed the deal of this endless string of flirtation not going anywhere and back in that folder he went. I then decided to give my number to this other guy who had shown interest a while back (but I hadn’t paid him any mind cuz I was stuck on folder guy). New dude didn’t really engage, so I disregarded him again, and worked on rearranging my place, organizing, decorating, spring cleaning and purging. Fast forward to now, it’s June and new dude comes back to work, asks to hang out, we have a great first “date” lasting three hours, and now here I am less than two weeks later wondering what happened. New dude: MIA / Me: WTF?

I truly do not understand why this cycle continues. Each time I feel like I get closer to something real, just to be lead into feeling like a fucking moron. I can’t stand it anymore, and it honestly makes me want to go back to being guarded and jaded, but I know that’s not the right way to find anyone. So I open up and allow some level of vulnerability, even though I’m scared af cuz of how hard I fell five years ago with the man I thought I was going to marry.

This is gonna hurt, but I blame myself first

'Cause I ignored the truth

Drunk off that love, my head up

There's no forgetting you

You've awoken me, but you're choking me

I was so obsessed

It was a matter of time

But you are the fire, I'm gasoline

Gave you all of me, and now honestly, I got nothing left

'Cause I loved you dangerously

More than the air that I breathe

Knew we would crash at the speed that we were going

Didn't care if the explosion ruined me

Baby, I loved you dangerously

I learned a lot from that short but impactful relationship. It was the love of my life and I went into it with complete abandon. I loved him dangerously. Things felt “right” and escalated quickly, which lead to our demise because we did not explore all the things before going full force into a relationship. We mutually thought this was “it” and talked about the future we would have. It completely broke me to end things, and upon rebuilding the pieces of me, I promised myself I would never rush into things like that again. 

I know that I do it to myself, but I guess I don’t know how else to do it. If I’m closed off and guarded, I’m not welcoming anything in; if I’m open and vulnerable, I start to dream in fantasyland with expectations just to be let down and end up inevitably disappointed. I clearly don’t know how to find the balance that works and it has become maddening beyond words. 

I need to find that balance, and it would be a lot easier to find in non-Covid times where I could have something else to focus my precious energy on, rather than wanting to find “my person”.

Maybe I came on too strong

Maybe I waited too long

Maybe I played my cards wrong

Oh, just a little bit wrong

Baby I apologize for it

I could fall or I could fly here in your aeroplane

And I could live, I could die

Hanging on the words you say

And I've been known to give my all

And jumping in harder than ten thousand rocks on the lake

So don't call me baby unless you mean it

Don't tell me you need me if you don't believe it

So let me know the truth

Before I dive right into you

And I've been known to give my all

And lie awake, everyday don't know how much I can take

I could fall, or I could fly here in your aeroplane

And I could live, I could die

Hanging on the words you say

And I've been known to give my all

Sitting back, looking at every mess that I made

This new dude made me really feel this. I tend to fall, and fall hard because I am so ready to give my heart to someone. But I need to put on the brakes and slow my damn roll. 

I can’t keep getting my hopes up. That is ultimately my problem. I tell myself to not have expectations and I do well to begin with, then have an amazing connection and am fed (what is obviously) bullshit and fall for it like a moron. I have grown thicker skin this time around, so at least there’s that.. but hopefully this has been my last lesson. 

I have found a new diversion for my focus and just put in my first offer for a new home! This will be my new passion project and will take up my thoughts and energies for a while, so as freaked tfo as I am, I am equally excited for this new venture. If it’s meant to be, it will be, and if it’s not, my new little home is out there somewhere not ready for me yet. 

06/19/2020 - 11:51 PM