#I couldn't keep living like we used to around those years. Nor my musical interests are the same. I've had a lot of luck in my career

[firstbandonthemoon]

"I'm neighbors with half of the band, but we wouldn't make another record".

-Nina Persson for Vanity Fair magazine, may 24 2023. Picture by ANNA DRVNIK.

Liberty of expression without pressure

"I've spent my whole life on music, and there's phases for everything. The Cardigans gave us everything all at once and very quickly, and although there came a time when we stopped recording, we still give concerts, but we have no plans on making any new records", says Nina on videocall, from her home in Malmö. "We all have our lives, and we are in very different moments. Me, for example, I not only make music, but I’m also a teacher, I'm a mother, I couldn't keep living like we used to around those years. Nor my musical interests are the same. I've had a lot of luck in my career, I was able to do very interesting stuff". [...]

The relationship with The Cardigans

[...] "We're neighbors! Our kids are friends! Currently, I live in Sweden, in Malmö, and two of the members are neighbors of mine, on the same block. There is no drama between us, but it isn't true that we plan on coming back together. We started too soon and lived very frenetic years. Now, we get along, and we give a handful of concerts throughout the year, but that's it. We have other interests".

There's life after Gran Turismo

"I don't miss the fame. Musically speaking, I've done well, obviously these are not the same hits that we could have with The Cardigans, but with A Camp and the rest of my music I've had my share of success too. I'm very conscious of the fact that The Cardigans was a worldwide phenomenon, but being tied to a project that only revolves around making hits has its downside too, although it might take years to see it. It has taken me a lot of time to find the music that I wanted to make and the kind of career I wanted to have".

[...]

Translated by me :).

See the article.

[c-grace]

Since there are loads of [unnecessary] opinions on how Aloy looks, which I, frankly have nothing to complain about. I still believe she is very beautiful and her looks makes sense, not to mention the original model is stunning.

So lemme just take some time to write out this scenario I thought of that I found very cute and emotional, idk 'bout everyone else but it did make me cry when I thought of it.

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POV: You and Aloy are both outsiders, but you were cast out from being a "defect", the both of you only got to know each other during the last few years before the proving.

A little something I wanna mention, this is sorta a Y/N fanfic but without the Y/N, so wherever you feel like you need to add your name in the dialogue, you can do that but I did it so that there would be no need for the name. I hope you enjoy~

T.W: Slight mention of death and injury.

Aloy × F.reader/G.N

Also this has song lyrics in here, if that's not to your taste, I'm sorry but I couldn't think of anything else

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"Oh! I found something!"

"What? What did you find?"

"Tada! Another audio file!"

I lifted the device and showed it to Aloy and waved it with satisfaction. "And here I thought you found something useful." Aloy grumbled.

"It's important to me, you know how I love to study the old ones' musical pieces, especially the singing, they all sound.....I don't even have words to describe them." I held tightly onto the device. Using Aloy's focus I scanned the device and played the audio, and without a doubt, it was a musical piece.

"You sure love music, huh?" Aloy smiled and eyed me for a moment, "Yes, all the pieces from the metal world have a certain, essence to them, it feels like it's calling out to me." But that joy was cut short once I remembered of the proving.

"But then, with the proving coming along, the matriarchs might not let me visit any ruins and I won't be able to study them anymore." I huffed and kicked a rock away.

"Who cares? I'll take you to see more of the ruins, they didn't care for us for so long. What is it to them that we see who the old ones really were?" Aloy never understood, nor took high regard to any of the tribal laws and I do agree with her but I have no one other than her to accompany me to explore all these new wonders.

I believe Aloy can do whatever it is that she wants, no one, not even the matriarchs will be able to stop her from going to where she wishes to go. I only have her and if she were to be cast out once again just because of me, I don't think I would like that all that much.

"Thank you Aloy, oh that reminds me, I learned this song, I want you to hear it."

"Can't wait to hear it then. I can't believe it's tomorrow, how are you taking to it?" She looked at me worried and I could get where it was coming from. I get anxious quite often, taking down a watcher, without any preparation, will make me sick to the stomach. "Yeah, I've given myself a 'pep-talk and I think it's working, I don't feel too worried about it now."

"Thats good, alright, I think it's time we leave, Rost said he needs to meet with me." She stretched her hand over to me and I held on firmly, it was calloused yet warm, I felt safe by her side.

The both of us went on our ways and I made it back to the little tent that I called my study and home, I have journaled all the music I have found and dated every one of them. So far, I have recorded 12, 5 of which were addressed to someone else, it was as though they had sung while they mourned for them, wishing they could be with them and the rest were of random order but interesting nonetheless.

I set the recordings aside and tried to make myself fall asleep, the proving was not too far from now. I didn't train my whole life for it but rather, I just wanted to belong somewhere. Aloy is.....different, to her, the tribe means nothing but a means to know more of the world, she said it herself, she wishes to know why she was cast out and never once thought of the tribe in good light.

I had no sense of conflict in me, unlike Aloy, I liked to keep to myself and I ran away at the sight of the tribe members because I was afraid. I was afraid of how they would treat me but that sense of fear became a threat to me.

I learnt how to live on my own, I knew why it was that I was an outcast. My parents didn't want me, said that I would often act strange and I never understood why, till one day the matriarchs marked me an outcast and left me on my own. It was a little over 3 or 4 years ago, where I met Aloy, we grew close.

I never told Aloy, why I was cast away, I didn't want her to be burdened. I kept to myself but this time, with these songs I wanna let her know, all these withheld emotions are making me feel like I could rot from the inside. I am in a way excited for the proving.

_______________________________________

"Aloy! Watch out!"

'I didn't think it would come to this, no, please, stop this.'

"Stay where you are, I'll come to you, alright?!" She shouted but the sound of blasts had muffled all the sound around me. The proving was going well, with Aloy and I being named braves but the celebration was cut short when all of a sudden, intruders had marched in and openly attacked everyone on sight.

"Kill all of them, don't let anyone of them come out alive!" The invaders sounded.

I frantically grabbed my arrows and shot at a few of them, two had missed and the rest 4 had all landed a hit, killing them on contact.

"We can't hold them!"

Aloy had been covering for all the braves and took a stand at holding them down, I decided to let myself all out and help Aloy and guided the remaining to the exit but not many made it.

"I'll hold them down, go! Make it to the slip-wire! Vala! You go too, I'll cover!" I directed all of them, Vala looked reluctant but went on ahead. "There's more of them!" I heard Bast shout and I whipped my head and shot my arrows, this time, all of them landed.

Vala and Bast had got caught between the shots, I watched their bodies hit the floor and a look of dread had washed over Aloy but I could feel the anger that brewed within. She shot them down, all of them.

But it wasn't long before a man had grabbed her by the neck, and something in me snapped, all I saw was that Aloy was in danger. My body moved on its own and I had grabbed my dagger and drove it into the man's side, he screamed but he lifted his arm and thrust it to my gut, sending me straight to the ground.

Before I had lost my senses, I caught a glance at Aloy who had laid on the ground, at least, no longer choked by that man.

_________________________________________

"A-Aloy! You're awake! You're awake...Aloy..." It hadn't been too long since the attack but my injuries are far from okay but at that moment, all that mattered to me now was Aloy. She awoke but her face was pale and her breath, uneasy.

"No, no, no......ugh, I—I have to get out of here..." She clutched on to the side of her head. "Aloy, I'll gather your armour and Focus, just wait here, I'll co—"

She grabbed onto my hand locked her fingers around mine, her hands were shivering. "Aloy?"

"You're alive, I...I thought I lost you..too...." She whimpered, I crouched down and held on to her hands softly, "You can't take me out that easy." Slowly caressing the side of her face, I smiled meekly.

"Rost...he saved me...but."

"He didn't make it Aloy. I don't know what happened either, you'll have to talk to Teersa."

"Where are we?" Her feeble voice asked, "We're inside the sacred mountain, I'm not sure why, I was nursed outside the mountain, they didn't say much when I asked if I could see you." She nodded and slouched down. I went on ahead and brought in her focus, there was another focus with it but I just handed them all to her without questions.

I quietly left the mountains and waited outside for Aloy. It took a while but she came out with Teersa.

The two walked to the rest of the matriarchs, they were talking amongst themselves and it was then I heard that Aloy had been bestowed the mark of a seeker, Lansra did not take to highly of this decision and made some unwanted remarks to Aloy.

I glared at her, hoping that it would do something but she huffed and grunted, walking on just fine.

The rain had poured on harder with time, it felt like it was meant to weep but was choking instead, an odd feeling but that was how I had felt.

"Aloy, of the Nora? Or would you rather prefer, Aloy, a seeker from the Nora?" I tried to put a little lightness to the heavy air around. "I don't think I like either of them." She made a face at my names.

"Alright, then....Aha! Aloy.....despite the Nora?"

"That sounds better." She smiles wide. "Listen...I need to go, I need to find out who those killers were and why they came here, which means that I need to leave the sacred lands." Her smile drops and she looks at me apologetically.

"No no, you have more to worry about than me, it's alright, I can hold my own." I reassured her but her look of response was doubting all of it.

"Aloy, go, I know how much this means to you. I would only be a burden if you were to worry about me. I want you to go out of this place, I know you've always been curious about the lands beyond." There was so much I that I wanted to convey.

So much that I wanted to ask but I pinched myself to not do that.

"Before I go, I wanted to hear that song you wanted to let me listen to, at least let me hold on to that." She pleaded and held on to my clothes. "I-I don't know Aloy, right now, if I did that, I would appear more—"

"Here, you can just record it on my focus."

She removed her focus and placed it in my palm, I looked at the device and glanced back at her. I heaved a sigh and excused myself from the area.

'Am I seriously doing this now? Yes, c'mon me! You can do this!'

There goes my heart beating

'Cause you are the reason

I'm losing my sleep

Please come back now

There goes my mind racing

And you are the reason

That I'm still breathing

I'm hopeless now

I'd climb every mountain

And swim every ocean

Just to be with you

And fix what I've broken

Oh, 'cause I need you to see

That you are the reason

I started to cry at thought of having to let go of Aloy, she would be far off and I would be here, possibly just waiting. I wouldn't have the slightest clue where she would be, but I would hold strong, not only for her but for myself.

I won't have any more music files for me to explore so this was the last of all of them. Before I stopped recording, I quietly whispered, "I...I...love you, I love you Aloy and I hope you will be safe. I may or may not be here when you come back but if it weren't for you giving me a reason to be here, I would have never bothered going on with that life I had..."

"And I would have lost myself if it weren't for you."

At the familiar voice, that was none other than Aloy's, I had lost all reason and the shock had gotten me wailing silently.

"I'll be back, you are all that I look forward to when I return." She grabbed my face and pressed our foreheads together. "You sang well, I didn't know I meant that...much to you..." She whispered.

"You are the reason I'm even here. Come back safe, Aloy-despite the Nora." I clutched on to her clothes.

She placed a gentle kiss on my forehead and went on her way, she didn't turn back and I looked at her back, fading off.

'I'll be here, Aloy.....my Aloy.'

•END•

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Alright! Phew, that was done. I have never written a one-shot ever, I don't even know the word count cause I was just writing without thinking too much.

Anyway, it was more emotional in my head so I did cry a little but it's pretty meh on paper 😂

Aight, this distracted me from all the bs of the world, I hope it distracted some of y'all too.

[barnzbucky]

reach for the moon - chapter 3 (Ivar x Reader)

Pairing: Ivar x reader; Hvitserk x reader (but not really)

Summary: Hvitserk makes two invitations you can't say no.

Warnings: alcohol consumption, mentions of arranged marriage; mentions of unrequited love; dialogue heavily inspired from the movie sabrina (I don't really remember how it went, but I think the talk with her father about the moon is pretty similar); please, ket me know if I forgot something.

Word count: 2.8k

A/N: I am pretty sure I had a feverish dream of me posting this on Sunday... I guess I forgot. But I am doing it now, and I haven't slept the whole night, so forgive me for any mistakes in the post. Hope you enjoy reading! ❤

masterlist | series masterlist

The market was already full by the time Hvitserk got there. He took his usual spot near the butcher, leaning in a wooden pillar to watch the people come and go, desperate to set their stand ready for when customers arrived. Soon enough, in the middle of the loud fishermen and running children, he spotted you, smiling and talking to a few merchants while buying your own food, carrying a heavy basket on your arm.

Before making his way to you, Hvitserk felt a hand on his shoulder and immediately turned to see who was keeping him, not being surprised when it turned out to be Ivar.

“Can you at least behave, Hvitserk? Your bride and her father arrive today, and it would be better for everyone if you kept yourself from courting other women while they’re here.” His brother’s voice was low and calm, a huge difference from when they left off the day before.

“I’m behaving, Ivar, but I can’t promise you anything. If Y/N wants me to touch her, how cruel would I be to deny her?” Hvitserk laughed and gestured his head in your direction, making the king turn to you.

When Ivar finally set eyes on  the woman Hvitserk was referring to, his breath got caught on his throat. You looked different from the last time he saw you. Your hair was now shorter, your posture straighter, and your smile certainly wider. The way you carried yourself didn’t remind him anything of the girl he met on the beach so long ago, but Ivar wouldn’t forget about you so easily.  He almost wondered how a person could change so much in 5 years before he remembered himself. You looked breathtaking. But, of course, interested in his brother, and to make things worse, he had to make a plan to send you back to where you were.

He swallowed and turned back to Hvitserk, trying not to sneer at the look in his face. Worse than you liking his brother was both of you liking each other.

“Hvitserk, the king will stay here for a week after the engagement feast, tonight, and then he will only come back for the wedding. Control yourself.”

Hvitserk laughed and removed Ivar’s hand from his shoulder, “We’ll see, Ivar.”

Ivar turned back and headed back to the Great Hall before Hvitserk reached you, refusing to watch someone who helped him so much when he needed, even if he knew nothing about you, fall for his brother’s charms and stupid courting ways.

“Do you need help?” You nearly jumped when you heard a voice whispering in your ear, turning around abruptly to see the smile that haunted all your dreams and thoughts over the last eight years or so.

“Ha! Prince Hvitserk, you almost scared me to death!” You laid a hand over your heart, breathing heavily. Despite your tone, the wide smile on your face told him your were anything but displeased to see him.

“I’m sorry, I promise it wasn’t my intention,” he chuckled and reached a hand to cup your face, his thumb briefly caressing your cheek. “How did you sleep in your first night back in Kattegat?”

You cleared your throat before answering, trying to disguise the way he made you flustered after the unexpected touch. “I slept very well, thank you. No nightmares”

The honest smile on his face quickly turned into a teasing one. “Any dreams, then? About a handsome prince who rescued you from walking home alone, maybe?”

Your fake gasp only made his smile wider, and he took the basket from your arm, quickly following after you, walking further into the market to continue shopping.

“There’s a feast tonight.” He stated, and you hummed, distracted with the fruit stands, and he continued. “Do you want to come?”

Your head quickly turned back to him, immediately forgetting about the apple you were examining, with eyes sparkling and a blinding smile on your lips. “Yes, of course! I’d love to.”

So far, in the few hours you were back in Kattegat, Hvitserk had already made impossible your goal of forgetting about him. Between walking you home and inviting you personally for a party in the Great Hall, he had your heart hammering in your chest from the excitement of spending time with him.

“Great!” His hand returned to your face and you held your breath when he placed his lips on your cheek, before leaning further and whispering in your ear, “I’ll see you there, then.”

You made the utmost effort to stay and continue your tasks in the market, but the giddiness and excitement had you rushing back home to start planning your clothes for the feast.

After taking what it seemed like forever to arrive home, you decided that your house was too far away from the city. You exasperatedly opened the door, startling both of your parents, and cheerfully greeted them both, before setting the basket in the table and heading to your own room.

The exchanged glances  by your parents went past you, but your father quickly followed suit behind you.

“What happened?” He asked, not entering your room, standing at the door and watching you go through your dresses with a frown etched on your face.

You turned your head to look at him, and the frown disappeared, making way for the smile you had when you got home. “Oh, prince Hvitserk invited me to the feast tonight, and I wanted to decide what to wear as soon as possible.”

Your father sighed and walked further  into the room, sitting on your bed. He had a feeling this would happen the moment you arrived with Hvitserk, and it was what he feared the most. You were barely back from Gleðiborg, after five years, and had already went back to your old habits of living and breathing for Hvitserk. It almost destroyed you the first time, and he feared it would happen again. Arne figured you still didn’t know the latest news about your beloved. Not many people did, but you certainly deserved to.

“Y/N…” He started, hesitating to tell you. You had such a beautiful smile on your face, and he hated that he had to be the one to wipe it out. “You need to know, prince Hvitserk is marrying a princess soon.”

You immediately froze when  he said those words, your mind having difficulty to process the information.

“What?” You turned back to your father and went to sit beside him. His arms immediately wrapped around you, much too used to comfort you after you ended up sad because of something the prince had said or done. “But… he doesn’t seem in love.”

Still wary of the subject, Arne shook his head and continued, “He is not. It’s a marriage arranged by King Ivar to set an alliance that will benefit Kattegat greatly.”

You let out a relieved sigh and laughed, quickly getting up and going back to your task of finding the perfect dress.

“So he’s not in love, nor is he married yet.”

“Y/N,” your father said with an unmistakable warning tone, but you paid no mind, “stop trying to reach for the moon, child, I told you that.”

Setting one of the options on your bed, you giggled and went to hug your father, receiving a kiss to your forehead.

“There’s nothing wrong with reaching for the moon, father. Especially if the moon is reaching for me, too.”

Your hands smoothed the dress for the uptenth time that night, nervous about the way you looked. You knew you had heads turning to look at you. Your dress, colored in a rich deep red, contrasting the dull colors of the street, was perfectly adjusted on your waist and breasts, enhancing all of your best features.

With a confident smile on your face, you entered the Great Hall, immediately being welcomed by the loud song and the talking, the strong smell of roasted meat and leather quickly overwhelming you, not much different than you remembered.

Occasionally stopping to make conversation, you walked around the room, making sure to avoid the shadowy corners and standing in the center of the party. It didn’t take long for Hvitserk to find you.

“Y/N!” The crooked smile and twinkling eyes had you grinning back, and you almost laughed when you felt the strong smell of mead coming from him. You maintained your confident smile and tried not to blush when his eyes roamed over your body before setting back on your face. “You’re here, and you look beautiful.”

“Thank you, Hvitserk.” You giggled, any thoughts of insecurity quickly leaving your mind. He handed you a horn filled with the drink before taking your free hand, walking you to a quieter and less crowded side of the room.

With more moving space now, Hvitserk started to sway, trying to find the rhythm of the music. He sneakily rested his hands on your waist and brought you closer, making you move to the song with him.

"Dance?" he asked, though you were past the point already, after dancing together for almost one entire song.

You barely smiled and quickly took control of your own body, dancing and moving, until you could barely breathe with laughter and bliss. Under the influence of the alcohol and the adrenaline, you couldn't stop smiling and giggling.

After a while, Hvitserk leaned in to whisper in your ear, moving slowly, giving you time to regain your breath. "We can go to somewhere quieter, if you want."

Immediately, the scenes you used to watch played in your head. He would take a woman to either the corner of the room with the dimmest light, or to the beach, bring food and drinks to court them, and trying to impress them, most if not all times successfully. To you, he looked at them like they were the most beautiful woman in the world, and you always dreamed of having him look at you that way. 

You weren't stupid, and knew they weren't actually important to him, everyone knew Hvitserk was hard to stick with only one woman. You knew why he was coming at you, asking you to get out of there. But you also knew yourself, and knew enough to entice him and to make him continue to chase you and to want you.

Despite that, you couldn't contain the smitten smile on your face. "Oh? We go to the beach, you bring mead and fruit, and tell me about your adventures overseas?"

As you predicted, Hvitserk leaned back again and laughed at your teasinging tone. "Aren't you so intelligent, Y/N?"

You grinned. "I'll meet you at the beach, then."

He returned the smile, and headed to the main table to grab the things you mentioned. 

You watched him go, momentarily caught in your thoughts, and had to shake your head and take a deep breath to snap out of them. Before turning around to walk to the beach, you caught king Ivar's piercing gaze directed at you, him apparently lost in thoughts as well. You smiled tentatively at him and he quickly turned his glance away from you, as if he was caught doing something wrong or embarrassing.

You kept looking at him for a minute, wondering if he remembered you from that night. You didn't cross paths as children, with him not getting involved in playing with his brothers like you did, and spending a lot of his time with Floki, the boatbuilder. And as you grew up, even less so.

You liked to think he remembered you. Except, you didn't know if he paid any attention to your face that night, or even if he would recognize you after 5 years. Hvitserk didn't.

You tore your eyes from him and headed outside, starting to walk the familiar path to the beach.

Carefully moving between the people, Hvitserk was being as discrete as he could, trying to avoid being spotted by any of the kings present. He knew, if one of them noticed him, it would be nearly impossible for him to go out and meet you.

Unknown to him, his younger brother kept track of him for most of the night.

Ivar noticed you as soon as you entered the Great Hall, wearing a dress colored especially to call attention to you, red as blood. You outshone every woman in the room.

He caught himself watching you more times than he cared to admit, and had to force himself to pay attention to king Fredrik's never-ending monologue, often wondering when he went from ruthless to diplomatic.

Cursing himself, Ivar suddenly wished he could be more like his brothers, because he didn't understand how a woman whom he had heard speak only 2 or 3 sentences, was so interesting to him. 

But when you locked eyes with him and smiled, he remembered the last time he allowed himself to be completely vulnerable, and it brought an uncomfortable feeling he hadn't felt in a long time.

Knowing all too well of his brothers intentions, collecting food and mead, he knew he had to act quickly and come up with a plan good enough to keep things under control, at least for the night. Fredrik was starting to get inpatient because of his brother's absence.

Ivar shouted his name and Hvitserk had to bite his tongue to avoid cursing his mother for making him so unable to avoid her youngest son and his plans. 

Despite the annoyance, Hvitserk walked towards Ivar, keeping his gaze away from king Fredrik and his daughter, princess Tove, his bride, someone he was fairly acquainted with. She smirked when she saw him.

"What, Ivar? Hvitserk asked, not bothering to hide his annoyed tone, knowing it would irritate both his brother and his bride's father.

Ivar signalled for him to get closer, enough so they could talk without being heard by their company.

"You need to stay here and talk to them." Commanding and resolute, Ivar's tone left little for questioning.

"I can't, I have someone waiting for me," Hvitserk responded through gritted teeth.

"Yes, Y/N." He cleared his throat before continuing, "I'll make sure she knows you're sorry you couldn't meet with her tonight." Hvitserk clenched his jaw and Ivar knew it would take more than that to convince his brother to give up on spending the night with a beautiful woman and instead amuse a very boring old king. "Please, Hvitserk."

That did it. He nodded and Ivar let out a breath before getting up and excusing himself.

The cold wind and the strong smell of the sea forced you to reminisce something you wanted to keep hidden for good, and you had to take a deep breath to calm down and remember you weren't there for a bad reason.

That thought made you smile. Knowing you caught the attention of the man you wanted for so long, and for so long you thought you couldn't have, was of great pleasure to you. Being the center of Hvitserk's attention was everything you dreamed and more, if you could say so based on the time you spent together at the feast.

When you opened your eyes, the sight of the waves and the moon brought another memory. The very last time you were there, crying for yourself and for prince Ivar, listening to him do the same. That was a hard night for both of you.

Almost recreating that night, though you were sure it would be the complete opposite, you heard someone coming behind you. An immediate smile took over your face at the thought of Hvitserk.

But when you turned around, it wasn't Hvitserk there with you.

King Ivar stood before you, forming a sight you weren't expecting to see.

Seeing him up close was unlike merely exchanging a glance across the room, from afar. You could see all of him now.

You couldn't help but compare him to Hvitserk.

They were almost opposites. Hvitserk owned the sunlight when he stood in it, reflecting his clear eyes and warm, flushed skin, making his smile brighter than usual. It was a sight.

But Ivar, between the dark background and dim illumination, his bright blue eyes were alluring, and the shadow on part of his face, not covering but enhancing all the best, almost made you lose your breath. It was like he belonged in moonlight.

He looked just like you remembered, but oh so different. 

Despite the obvious changes, like the longer hair and matured face, what caught your attention was the tired look on his face; the angry frown you remembered was no longer angry, but still a frown.

And he looked as pretty as you recalled then, and earlier, from afar in the Great Hall.

"King Ivar," you said softly after a minute or so, not knowing if a bow was necessary, "where's Hvitserk?"

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[diaryofsecrecy]

It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea.  Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER.  They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years,  And on drugs.  She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out.  We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world,  Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔