#I couldn't believe how powerfully my mind fixated on the food I was denied

[blushingonmyknees]

Especially

CONTENT WARNING: This post includes consensual control of food and meal restriction

 It is now Tuesday evening and I am frantically packing and getting everything ready to head home for Christmas tomorrow afternoon. Time is drawing to a close on four days on intense explorations of submission with my Domme. I have requested many times that she break me – take me so deep into a submissive headspace that the very concept of disobedience seems impossible. This weekend I believe I reached that point.

I woke up this morning and started getting ready for work. I immediately thought of my lunch and how it was going to be the bland-ish rice and beans with corn and green beans. I remembered how it didn’t have much flavor last night and tried to remember to be thankful. I have asked to be treated this way and am getting exactly what I desire and deserve. I am so thankful my Domme is caring and takes care of me every step of the way.

The day began with my daily morning message to my Domme. In it, I thanked her for putting her property to bed last night when she did and making sure I woke up feeling rested today. I also thanked her for picking my lunch and asked if she will be deciding my dinner tonight.

I then headed to work and the first hour and a half of work was okay, minus all the Christmas treats in my office. I didn’t want to take the treats because I wasn’t entirely sure if I had permission to eat them and also because of COVID-19 and most of the treats were finger foods, with several people touching them.

By 9 a.m., my stomach was growling. I thought of food and kept having to remind myself I was having rice and bean leftovers for lunch today and to be thankful.

Around 10 a.m., I texted my Domme while on my break to let her know my stomach had been growling since 9 a.m. and that it must be really craving the rice and beans. I also wanted to make sure she received my morning message asking about deciding my dinner.

She responded and said she saw it and wanted to let me know she planned on deciding my dinner tonight and rice and beans wasn’t out of the question. She also wanted to know if there was anything in the fridge that needed to be used up before traveling tomorrow and teased that she can make me crave all sorts of things.

I let her know I crave whatever she trains me to and then joked that I could try and fit in the fridge, thinking of things that need to be be used up.

Around 11 a.m., I had to go to my manager’s office to make sure my time off for Wednesday afternoon was approved. We ended up chatting for about a half an hour about our families, COVID, and our favorite chicken restaurants. Just talking about food other than rice and beans made me hungry and also made me want to cry from frustration.

At Noon, I headed to lunch to have my rice and beans. I was hungry but when thinking of this dish I started losing my appetite. On the way to my lunch table, I noticed a small bag of salted peanuts left on the counter, which in my office means it is free and anyone could have them.

I strongly debated about grabbing the peanuts and adding them to my lunch. Anything with extra flavor sounded amazing at this point.

I resisted the temptation and headed to my lunch table with my rice and beans. I then texted my Domme a picture of my lunch and said, “Thank you for this lunch, owner.” She mentioned after receiving this text that she would love to meal plan every single one of my work lunches for a year.

I took a few bites of my rice and beans and attempted to eat as much as possible. I also texted my Domme at this point and asked if I may please ask for what I desired for supper. I let her know I was more than aware my request could be immediately denied without a second thought.

She allowed me to make my request and I asked if I may please do the Buffalo Wild Wings BOGO wings tonight. She then asked what the reason for making such a request was.

I confessed that I was craving it and wished I wasn’t eating my rice and beans. I was desperate for food and flavors but I was even more desperate to obey my Domme. I felt like she was breaking me quicker than expected and I thanked her for it.

She wanted a further explanation, so I admitted that all I had thought about today was food that I am not allowed to have. I didn’t want to eat my rice and beans much but was doing so because I know where I belong. I also made sure to say thank you for my lunch once again.

My Domme let me know I didn’t have to clear the bowl for lunch but that she found it interesting how my mind was preoccupied with what I was denied and that she would consider my request for dinner.

If I am being completely honest, I almost broke down at lunch out of frustration. But I knew I was being taught a lesson and I wanted to obey. I both wanted to be beaten for my thoughts and forced to eat more rice and beans but also wanted to be cuddled and held and reminded that I am her good boy.

I let her know all of these thoughts and how I felt like I should be in chains and on my knees in her presence at that very moment. I felt conflicted and broken, so I asked if I may please have all of her thoughts, even the contrasting ones.

She told me a beating to help ground me in the reality that I am an owned boy and cuddles after to remind me I am a good boy that pleases his owner and also deserved soft things sounded right.

She told me that my push/pull feelings with meal control was actually very understandable when trying to embrace a new protocol. There is often a mental and physical component of a body wanting to stay in its typical habits so changes in meal activities or physical exertion take a lot of time to build. If she was planning a more long-term re-sculpting of my relationship to her control of my food, I would be having completely unseasoned rice and beans tonight as a reminder for my brain that this control was my new normal.

But she said she did not want me to be completely discombobulated before traveling for Christmas tomorrow, so she was taking my request for comfort food into consideration.

I thanked her for giving me her thoughts and let her know I love her so much. I also thanked her for keeping me in my proper headspace. Knowing she understood where I was coming from was a relief, but it was also nice to hear her complete thoughts. If she wanted me to have completely unseasoned rice and beans tonight, then I would and I would be content with her decision.

I informed my owner of my inner argument with myself earlier when seeing the peanuts before lunch and my desire to have them, but knowing I was not allowed, so I left them.

She seemed surprised by the intensity of my reaction to the peanuts when I said, “My brain went, ‘Take them! Not rice and beans.’” And that thought was immediately followed with the thought of, “But they are not part of my allowed lunch.”

My Domme seemed to enjoy learning how my brain was reacting to her training. She also let me know if the peanuts were still available, I may have some.

Lunch was almost over, so I probably wouldn’t have the time to eat them anyway. She asked if I could snack at my desk and I said I could, but that my coworkers would want to know why I was turning down other Christmas treats.

She reassured me by saying, “Sweetness, if there are things you would like you may simply request permission. My answer won’t always be yes, but I thought you knew that I wanted to hear what you needed and what you want.”

I then asked for permission to take the nuts for later and confessed my meals had slipped me into a deeper headspace that I expected. I had forgotten I could ask for what I wanted. I also was very grateful for her permission to have the nuts.

She is amazing with taking care of me and asked if there was anything I needed from her, regarding my deeper headspace. I let her know hearing her voice in the form of a voicemail may be helpful.

I then picked up the peanuts and headed back to work. I was extremely happy and smiling from ear to ear, just having the peanuts in my possession. I honestly could have cried at the thought of eating something salty. It completely turned around my day and I was smiling like I was in my Domme’s physical presence again or had just received my dream job.

As I turned the corner on the way back to my desk, I was stunned to hear Christmas music. Where on earth could that noise be coming from!? One of the people in my office is a self-proclaimed Grinch who despises Christmas music and is obsessed with loudly listening to “true crime” podcasts all day, every day. I was sure this sound wasn’t coming from my office.

Much to my surprise, it was actually the self-proclaimed Grinch that asked if we could listen to Christmas music. Apparently, the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes on December 22, not Christmas. I was noticeably joyful, and I think my coworkers thought it was because of Christmas music, when in reality it was because I had salted peanuts to snack on.

I looked at the bag and noticed they were actually honey roasted peanuts, and I texted my Domme to make sure I still had permission to have them. She said I did and that she had noticed the label in the picture I sent her of them before picking them up.

I snacked on the honey roasted peanuts most of the afternoon, only taking two at a time and sometimes sucking on them to get all of the salt off and to get flavor into my mouth. I truly savored them and was thankful for the gift of these peanuts.

On my final break of the workday, I listened to my Domme’s voicemail. In it, she said it was interesting to her how my body and mind was reacting to her training and temporary protocol. If we were in the same city, she said she would have me kneel at her feet after I got off work and would run her fingers through my hair. She would explain that I wasn’t allowed to have B Dubs wings tonight, I would have more rice and beans. Even though she knows it is hard on my body, that it was just as much the kind of training and need for stamina that she has seen me push through before, like during a beating. She said she would gently touch me and let me feel her presence and catch my breath while resting against her legs. She would remind me that even when my submission is hard, especially when it is hard to stay the course and stay obedient, that she is grateful for the gift of my submission and that she was taking ownership of not only my body and my tastebuds but also my thoughts and that she is transforming all of them. She would remind me of how good I am being and even though our minds have tricky relationships, that I did exactly what she desired today, and I ate my lunch and she was so proud of me. At the end she called me her sweet boy.

This voicemail got me a little emotional and I was very thankful to be hers. I wanted nothing more than to be kneeling at her feet and being touched and reminded of my place as she explained in the voicemail. Just the thought of her touch against my hair makes me swoon and extremely grateful she finds me worthy of her ownership each day.

I texted her right after to thank her for the wonderful voicemail and to thank her for owning me and loving me. I love how she is fair and firm in her ownership of me and how I ache to surrender more and more power each day, even when it is hard. I thanked her for loving me enough to explore this dynamic with her and thanked her for the nuts. I also thanked her for sharing our dynamic with others because I enjoy serving her and showing others how good it feels to surrender to my amazing Queen.

Around 3:30 p.m., she asked when I got off work for the day and I told her. She said unfortunately she wasn’t asking to surprise me by picking me up and taking me captive. (I desperately wish she was asking for those reasons. *swoons*)

She messaged me shortly before my workday ended to tell me it was time for her owned boy to order dinner online, meaning she was permitting me to have Buffalo Wild Wings.

I texted to make sure it was okay I did the BOGO deal on 10 wings (so I would end up with 20 total). She said that was okay and then I asked which flavor of wings she would prefer me to have. I would prefer mild sauce on one of them, but I would like her to pick at least one sauce.

She wanted me to get my favorites and said to order what I wanted, but that she would be happy to pick one if I really wanted her to. I responded by saying, “Please do, Ma’am.”

My Domme said the orange sauce sounded tasty but if that seemed off-putting to get lemon pepper.

I had to ask what orange sauce was because I didn’t know it was an option. Did that mean it would taste like oranges?

She responded, letting me know it was like an orange chicken sauce that was new, according to their website.

I had just had orange chicken on Sunday, so I went with the lemon pepper flavor she picked. I asked if she wanted me to get the dry seasoning or wet sauce. She said she prefers the seasoning, but she wants this to be something I actually enjoy eating, so to pick what I wanted.

I ended up doing the lemon pepper dry seasoning and mild wet sauce for the wings. I was so happy. I had no idea food had this kind of effect on me. My stomach growled almost the whole way home just from the smells of the food alone.

After picking up the food and arriving home, I called my Domme to say thank you for her control and for considering my request for dinner. I also wanted to know how I should eat my dinner. She told me I was allowed to be on furniture for dinner and to use utensils if I so desired. She also wanted to know if I had any other requests, and I asked if I may have soda. She said I could and to have either Wild Cherry Pepsi or a Coke with dinner.

The wings were a little cold by the time I got home (it was about a half an hour), but I was so hungry. The first bite of the wings tasted heavenly. I chose to take a bite of the lemon pepper wing first because I was curious and because I knew it was my Domme’s preferred sauce.

It actually tasted amazing and I think it will be one of my permanent wing flavors going forward. I may have to go out there and purchase the seasoning someday to increase the number of seasonings I have to choose from in my cabinets.

I was surprised how quickly the wings went down. I took my time and watched one of my favorite sitcoms while eating. I was surprised that I actually teared up during dinner both from the flavor and due to an emotional part of an episode where a dad was telling his daughter it was okay to give up on her dreams and it would be okay. It would be okay to give up on her dreams, but just to know how good it will feel to eventually get that “YES” someday if she stuck with it and continued pursuing her dreams even after receiving several rejections. It felt particularly impactful because of this year and losing what was basically a foot-in-the-door position with one of my dream companies earlier this year.

The wings were amazing, and I made sure to thank my Domme a few times for them. I was surprised I ended up eating all 20 wings, which I don’t think I have ever accomplished before.

After dinner, I started doing chores – sweeping the kitchen, doing dishes, finishing my laundry, packing for Christmas, making sure all gifts are where I can see them to take home tomorrow (and not forget, hopefully!). I am now finishing this post while waiting for the last few loads of laundry to get done before packing my bag.

I am extremely grateful that my Domme takes such good care of her property. I would have been content either way with her selection of my dinner tonight, but I am very thankful she allowed me to have wings. She keeps asking what I want for Christmas, but here is the truth. She has given me one of the greatest gifts of all, her ownership, care and friendship. Just the gift of being her submissive and the additional present of wings tonight was enough for me. I am happy, content and overjoyed being her owned boy. How did I ever get so lucky?

Thank you, your Majesty, for owning me, caring for me, training me, and breaking me. I love my role in your life and the dynamic we are building together. It is fun to know that my last four meals before dinner tonight were exactly what you chose for me – rice and beans. Rice and beans have actually been my meal for six out of the last nine meals (eight meals if you don’t count tonight). Thank you for teaching me these lessons and showing me how it feels to be molded into what you desire. I adore you so much and am very eager to be in your presence each and every day. Merry Christmas, my Queen.