#I cannot return it anyway because a) it's out of stock now and wouldn't get an exchange b) I already started assembly

[ryuki-blogs]

- Schwarzette is indefinitely out of stock but I'm lucky enough to grab the last Calibarn, excited

- she finally arrives

- on the runner the faceplate is broken into three pieces

[desviacionito]

Yesterday went to my friends little underground, community organised art show. It was dope, few paintings, life drawing, there was even a punk band to which I pogo'd, something I haven't done since I was probably like, 14 and went to polish punk underground bands in warsaw.

Anyway. At the end of the show, I've bought a painting.

And the thing is, I'm not in any way well off. It costed more than I would ever normally spend on art, or on clothes for myself in one go. My family was never poor, not to an extend that would traumatise me to fear not having money. But I do. I don't want to have to ask my family for any financial help, I'm 30, I need to have savings.

But the thing is, the art I bought, was painted by this beautiful soul, my friend's cousin. After cousin left, my friend mentioned her cousin is homeless, living in a women shelter. She's 24. She's so talented and hard working, she's doing everything she's supposed to do - applied for help, housing. But the situation in London is what it is, and she's been waiting for months. She has a job interview today, and had no money to go to it. I wanted to help, just to send her any money for the week, but no one likes hand-outs. So I've bought the painting.

And I love the painting. Did I love it to the point that I would spend the money if I didn't know her backstory? Probably not, because of my fear of not having enough savings. But after hearing that story(and more details of her family situation which I won't enclose) I felt like a hoarder.

After all, I can die the next day. And what's that x hundred of savings is gonna do for me, while it can help someone else so much more, right now? I'm not gonna starve without that money. Even if I lose my job, my money, I know worst comes to worst, I can come home, I have my family to fall back on. She doesnt. I cannot even begin to imagine the mental stress that must be putting her under, and she's one of the nicest and purest souls I've ever met.

Anyway. My point being, yesterday made me realise how vile billionaires are. Like, I knew that logically. But it made me understand it on another level. If I felt sick at the thought of this person not having to eat, having to sleep at a shelter, having to carry all of her belongings in a 20kg bag at all time, while I have some savings that are just sitting in my account and just choose to not help her? And I don't even have that much money to begin with...

So with billionaires, I don't understand how can you have so much, and all you do is steal more, and give nothing in return. You must be so severed from connection and interacting with other normal human beings it's making you inhuman. How can you sleep at night, knowing just existing in one second is making you more money than some people earn working for YOU in a month. To know the world is burning and not only do nothing to help, but actively make it worse. To know the people who are earning you money are suffering, and all you do is try to squash them more. To know your people are gonna starve this winter, and to spend millions upon millions so some incestuous dick can sit on a chair made from fucking gold. To know there are people for whom a 500, a 1000, a 10k would make or break them, and rather than help, part with the money you wouldn't even fucking notice gone, you choose to just. Have that in your fucking vaults, or stocks, or nfts, or hidden on foreign island like some fucking clown bourgeois pirate.

Anyway. Hope she gets the job today.

[bloggingwithmattporter]

My Relationship and How It Ended

All through our lives, we wonder who our partner will be and how will we find them? Going out with friends, talking online for a while or just simply a bump into each other. At the age of 20, I was amazed at the thought of how i'd meet someone I could be myself around. Myself having an incredibly outgoing bubbly personality, I always knew that I could be seen by many people, but never knew that I would find someone who I'd consider to be perfect for me. For years I've been independant and achieved things by myself with no partner by my side, I didn't want anyone nor was I looking for someone. But yet, I always thought to myself "I wonder if my future girlfriend would be proud of me", which actually makes you realise you're more lonely than you thought, but hey, that's okay because you know one day you will find her.

Everything changed for me one night, a few weeks after I started a new job. I decided to go out one night, which i remember fondly enough that I would've rather stay in and watch some films, but decided it would be a great time to celebrate the job I acquired. When you were like me and decided to drink yourself silly every single week, you had to find reasons to go out. Little did I know, going out that night would change my life in millions of great ways, which is now terrifying to think about.

 After a fair few drinks, I decided to go out into another area of the club to share my loud obnoxious personality around. The moment I walked down there, was like a movie. I saw a girl, even in my intoxicated state, I could tell she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever laid my eyes upon. I instantly came up with a goal to make her laugh. It takes a lot to make me nervous, it was trait that I never had. I went up to her and at that exact same time, she walked up to me and introduced herself. You know how I said it was like a movie? I said that because when I looked into her eyes, everything around me froze, I was just standing there. After what felt like thirty minutes, I introduced myself then we sat down and had a drink. I wouldn't be able to tell you the exact conversations that we had, but I can tell you I interrupted her to inform her that I needed to do a pee followed by what I thought to be an FBI cross Ninja jump over the table, but according to her that was never the case... I still stick with what I thought it felt still to this day. When I returned we had another drink and spoke some more and introduced us to each others friends. One of my friends, Jordan, looked at me when I introduced her and smiled at me, for some strange reason, he knew I was interested, suppose I've never really introduced a girl to my friends before. As this night drew to a close, I lost her and eventually stormed out of the club because I had enough. Little did I know, she was asking about me when I left. I got home, surprisingly, and fell asleep.

I woke up to a message from her asking me out on a date. I immediately felt emasculated, but that was okay. Obviously I said yes. We went to a Shannon Noll concert, it was a perfect time spent together and the happiest i've been in a very long time. I still remember how it felt to feel true happiness after such a long time of being alone.  

As messages upon messages went by between each other, it was suddenly a week or two later. We had organised for me to stay over her place, have a couple of drinks and listen to some old school music, the best kind. As she's on the floor choosing the songs to put on and I am sitting on her bed, that strange feeling erupted in me again, true happiness. I didn't know at the time, but she was radiating something I haven't felt before, whether it was her great music choice or just being around her. As the night progressed, next thing we know we were in bed together 'cuddling'. We were talking about something that made me laugh, which at the end I did something I couldn't take back. I laughed and then said I love you, which i quickly recovered by saying "lol jokes, you wish". Yes, I actually said that and it turned out more funny than what we were previously discussing. This became a running joke for years to come. I remember laying there thinking "Why did I say that", I was confused about how it happened because it just completely slipped out, I didn't mean to say it but knew I felt it. This was when I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. In the end, it was a perfect night spent by someone whom I believed I loved very quickly. I had never felt this way about another person before. 

A week at work progressed and we decided to stay over again, same music, but this time we felt closer than ever. It was an amazing feeling for me and I was honestly just falling harder and harder for her. I knew the next time I saw her, I wanted to do something special, so I surprised her with a little getaway to a nice resort at the Sunshine Coast. When we got there, we checked in and went across the street to Woolworths to stock up on food and the dinner I was going to cook for her, Beef Strogonoff. When we returned, we got the keys and went to our apartment to find out that there was in fact, no kitchen. So it turned out to be a KFC night. This was when I knew she was the one for me, as we finished eating, i decided to rip the KFC bags and dress her up.. it was incredibly hilarious at the time and damn she could pull the look off. We got into bed and watched Eurovision trying to understand the words they were singing, it was great and it was definitely a great weekend. Once again, the kitchen became a running joke too, I could never escape it. After this weekend away, we sat down and decided it would be best if I moved in with her, as I’m always there anyways. So a month after dating, we were living together and I’ve never felt so much happiness, everything was perfect and working out for me.

Months and months went on, we sat there laughing about the possible arguments we would have because we have never argued before. I knew for a fact that I was so in love with this woman that I never wanted to lose her. We were perfect for a very long time. I’d get lost in her eyes every time she would laugh, or how her eyes opened wide when she was explaining a story or a topic she was passionate about. She has the most incredible smile with a beautiful laugh.. which includes her little snorting she does when the laughing can’t stop.

Every morning I would wake up, give her a kiss on the forehead and say good morning. Every night, I’d give her 10 kisses on the forehead, we both made sure to count as it all became a ritual. There were so many memories, inside jokes and little rituals we had that we got so used to that it all became normal. I was still in love with this woman at the age of 23.

Suddenly, cracks started to appear because of my inability to talk. I know, how does someone not know how to talk? That was and still is the hardest thing for me. I am so used to not sharing my feelings about negative things and instead keep it bottled up inside, its a very unhealthy thing to do and still to this day I'm slowly learning.

We were having many fights, breaking up but working our way back to each other every single time. We knew we wanted to be together and we were too stubborn to admit it at times, we were an incredibly competitive couple. Ask her about the monopoly game, she'll tell you she won..... thats because she did but I can assure you we never played monopoly again. I cannot elaborate on the amount of fights and quick break ups we had, we had a severe rough patch. But everything was perfect and I was still the happiest guy in the world.

The last time we broke up was around May 2018, the month we got together in 2016. This was a tough break up but we got back together a week later. I know, people may think how is this healthy, but when you're in love with someone, you'd do anything to make sure it works. Everything was perfect for many many many months. We discussed getting our very own place and we started to buy furniture each paycheck so we would be able to move into a house that wasn’t partly furnished, having kids (even agreed on some names to respect my mother which meant a lot to me) and more importantly, the engagement I was going to do at the start of the year.

I started an incredibly bad addiction to video gaming every day for hours on end, instead of the usual couple of hours a week. I became lazy and didn't appreciate what I had right next to me the entire time. Nearly 3 years we spent together, you would think that I would be more attentive. I just forgot about every thing in my life and was just committed to video games like the person I was long before I met her. I stopped wanting to have sex and I stopped wanting to go out on weekends with her. This all hit home and completely shattered me after she told me she was getting male attention elsewhere. I stormed out with all my stuff and didn't look back once.

A week has gone by and I just sit here in silence every single day. I've eaten half a sausage roll that made me vomit, a few chicken balls and a handful of chips, against my will. During my silence, I realise how much I have changed. I have gone from the alcoholic version of myself to a guy who found out he was ready to settle down, the mature Matt I thought I wouldn't find until I was very much older. I'm not going to lie, this last paragraph is hard to type because I just fall back into the ifs and buts. I know for a fact, all I had to do was to get off that Xbox and give her attention, clean the room when she asked, give her the intimacy that we both required but I slacked out on and most of all, show her the amount of appreciation I have for her since we got together. I feel as though I never want to show another woman intimacy or become close again, unless it’s with her. The constant knot in my stomach won’t dissapear. The world knows just how much I do love her and all my good friends know how much I appreciate and love her, it just turns out I forgot to reassure the most important person to me.

I realise that I don't blame her for any of this because I guess it is all my fault. Every girl in a long lasting relationship needs to know that feeling that their partner does in fact care about them. I just guess for me, it is too late for that. I would do anything to go back to the life we had with me bringing an insane amount of changes that would make any girl feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Not only did I lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend and the only person that knew exactly who I was and who I am still to this day. She knows more about me than anyone else on this planet and i'm not afraid to admit that. She was my definition of a soul mate. I've never felt more comfortable and open with someone in my life and I highly doubt I'm going to find that feeling with anyone else for a very long time and even then, the chances are slim. All our inside jokes and memories haunt me every single day because they were the happiest times of my life. Every song that comes on the radio, its hard to listen to. All the songs on my phone, I can't listen to because each one takes me back to a time with her. It's hard to watch Netflix alone because I watched basically everything with her many times over. It's hard to get up in the morning and go to work, because every morning I would drive there knowing how close our future home was and how ready I was to propose to her, she was the reason why I got the new job a few weeks ago. The memories are suddenly everywhere and every day you're just caught up in constant nostalgia. The pain doesn’t disappear.

If I could go back in time and change everything, I would in a heartbeat. If she messaged me and told me she wants me back, I'd be there in a heartbeat too. With Christmas and New Years coming up, this is going to be a hard problem for me to recover from for the rest of the year. We had so many plans, I had many plans she didn't even know about. Nearly 3 years down the drain because I was too stupid to show her the amount of love and appreciation I have for her.. it truly fucking hurts. Being so ready to settle down, just for it all to come up above your feet isn't the best feeling.

The hardest part about break ups, is trying to forget about the imagined future you two had planned together. Our future looked so perfect. Going from being so happy, to suddenly depression hitting you straight on the head. The emptiness and loneliness is something I haven't felt in my life and I wouldn't wish it upon my worse enemy.

I don't expect many people to read this, but if you do, thank you for letting me vent and taking it on board. If you're in a relationship, please, tell your partner you love them and that you appreciate them, that's all it takes. Listen to them, talk to them and be there for them through everything life throws their way. Don't get caught up in technology or social media, they can easily become the source of break ups in this generation, which fucking sucks. Put your phone down and just show your partner that you love them. Never would I have thought I’d lose the one piece of me that meant more than anything else on this planet.

Most importantly, to her. If you're reading this, please know that I love and I miss you more than words can explain. I'm sorry that I didn't show you just how much you meant to me and just assumed you knew. You were, and still are, my world. The things we have done together are things I'll forever cherish and miss. You were my soulmate and I wish I could just show you all the changes I'd make to prove just how happy we can be. I would do anything to have you laying in my arms again and hearing you laugh. You are the only person in this world that I need and I’m honestly shattered to know I wasn’t that person for you. My friends keep telling me to move on.. why would I want to, and how could I move on when I know I’ve already met my soul mate? I’ll forever miss and love you.

I honestly thought typing this would make me feel better, even in the slightest amount, but in the end I guess it just made things worse for me. The hardest part for me was leaving someone who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I don't know where I would be or the type of person I would be if she didn't enter my life. She brought out the best version of me that was possible.

 If you're going through a rough time, talk to a friend or family member. Please know, it's not embarrassing to seek professional help.

[mxmearcstapa]

Naked Madlions Update #1!

Welcome all to the exciting adventure that is the Naked Madlions, my Maddening playthrough of Blue Lions without New Game+! (All updates are going to be tagged with #Molly's Madlions) As a warning, I've played all 4 routes and as this is a playthrough, it gets pretty spoiler-heavy. I might, and have in previous posts, talk about plot elements, comparisons, and other details.

Basically, spoiler warning for potentially all of FE3H, but most specifically Blue Lions.

With that out of the way, here's how it's going!

Prologue:

GUYS I FAILED THE FUCKING PROLOGUE AHAHAHA. We stole Claude and Edelgards' weapons and shoved them behind a wall to keep them out of danger. I put Dimitri in a bush and said, "yeah, he's sufficiently tanky, he can--" and then he took one hit, and he was okay, and then he took the second hit, and then he wasn't okay. And I thought, "oh, I'll Divine Pul--oh...right." Anyay, I've now seen what the Game Over screen looks like.

With more liberal healing and less aggressive tactics, we succeeded. :P

Mock Battle:

Battle requires Byleth and Dimitri, and I took Dedue, Mercedes, and Ingrid for other slots. Dedue has a swell personal ability which makes him excellent at taking physical hits. Mercie I took because she was the only one who could heal. Ingrid I was really on the fence about, as my past experiences with her have not been the best, but I picked her for her Res, which came really in handy this battle. I made sure to stock up on as many weapons as I could, and I equipped everyone with 2 vulneraries. It did take several restarts to find the right combination of actions, and I admit that Mercedes went down, but because this is like, one of two battles that aren't permadeath, I just left her down. She was out of heals anyway, and we were close to winning. Her survival is, of course, more important to me moving forward. Even so, it took 26 turns (and several swears) to complete three mock battle. Bleh.

"HEY, KOSTAS, REMEMBER US?":

Oh, my Divine Pulses! *cries in joy* oh...there's...only 3 of them. Okay. Cool. I'm used to like...10, but this...this is fine.

This is a tough fight to start out with, because most of these dumb babies are still level 1. No one got to 5 from the practice battle because, like a dingus, I split my exp a little more evenly before thinking about what might happen next. Plus, those Poison Touch Archers are AGGRESSIVE. All the Swordbois have Pass, so we had to watch our backs to make sure no one was sneaking behind us to stab the squishier ones. Most of the battle, we kept to the initial bridge and let the enemies come to us. The bridge gives a nice choke point to control enemy movement. Much to my own surprise, we kept everyone alive and didn't need to use any Divine Pulses (oh me of little faith). As long as you're mindful of archer range, it's workable.

DP Used: 0

Mutiny in the Mist:

CATHERINE IS AN EXP THIEF. WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

*ahem*

Fog...sucks. About half the army had torches ready, and we only lost of one of our allied soldiers (because he ran himself through an enemy weapon. I cannot help you, sir), so not too bad! About midway through the map, I used a Pulse to pull Sylvain back up (STOP. MISSING.). At this point, Ingrid and Sylvain had learned their basic Reason magic, but their Magic skills are craaaaaaap. Sylvain I know will grow better, and Ingrid we're mostly expecting to crit, but it's a weird progression. I've never gone for straight Magic Ingrid before. When not using magic, she's been proccing her Crest fervently in the hopes that I will reconsider and have her focus on the Lance. *laughs in distance*

At the very least, having Annette, Mercedes, and Dimitri all healing was a boon. Dedue actually crit Lonato to low health, which blew away a lot of his difficulty.

This map is also funny, because I forgot I don't have access to adjutants in the very beginning, so we have to court Ferdinand the old-fashioned way. :P HE SHALL JOIN US YET. If nothing else, his weapon and vulneraries both get restored after each battle, which means "resources I don't have to worry about." As long as he's not stealing exp getting KOs, we're all happy.

DP Used: 1

Gimme My Sword!:

So I was nervous about this because I know there's a lot of mages here, and the Lions aren't super Res-blessed as a whole. But they were okay! I did split the party--Dimitri, Byleth, Dedue, Ashe, Annette, and Ferdie to the left, and Sylvain, Felix, Ingrid, and Mercedes to the right. With Ingrid's Res, Felix's Crest-laced bow shots, Sylvain's raw strength, and Mercie's healing/Res/magic, the right side was only in deep trouble at one point. I was afraid I'd need to reset entirely, but Felix just straight dodged a lethal hit, and they pushed forward. Plus, Ingrid and Sylvain both knew Heal, which was helpful.

Meanwhile, Left Team slowly fed Annette axe kills, and Dimitri and Ashe dispatched the reinforcements. The kids are shaping up well!

DP Used: 1

Closing Thoughts:

it's, uh, it's tough. It's a completely different set of resources to work with. Having 3 Divine Pulses instead of 10 really changes how careful I am: if there's an issue, I am closer to restarting the battle than being able to rewind, which is more time spent. I knew I wouldn't start with a lot of activity points, but I had forgotten how desolately you begin. Mostly I have using my AP for faculty training and cooking for the stat boosts. My truest love, fishing, returns to me as I attempt to raise my professor level. But because I'm not dining with students, they often have low motivation, which prohibits me from training as intensely. With the battle time being longer overall, it's not as prohibitive towards weapons, but magic has limited uses, so if I'm not pumping that in lessons, they learn it much more slowly. AND, even though we're getting weapon exp, it's at the cost of the weapons themselves, and this army is NOT made of money. So striving to find a balance is something of an issue, but I think I'm getting it.

Roster Progression (Post Tomb-Raiding):

Byleth: 10, Mercenary

Dimitri: 11, Priest

Dedue: 8, Soldier

Ashe: 8, Fighter

Felix: 10, Archer

Annette: 8, Monk

Sylvain: 8, Monk

Mercedes: 8, Monk

Ingrid: 9, Monk

Current Professor Level: C

Time Stamp: 14:45