#I cannot explain to her that my current life purpose is just inflicting sadness and pain but for just one dude who isn't even mine

[voltrohgodwhat]

Context:

[kakashisavakening]

Chapter 9 - Love Triangle

Dark clouds were gathering above Konoha, and Tsunade sent Kakashi on a mission with some Jonins. Sakura was once more alone, since Naruto went off with Jiraiya to gain some intel on the Akatsuki. Most of them were still in the wind.

"But master Tsunade, don't you think sending Naruto after his pursuers would be a bold and - quite frankly - a dumb move?" - Sakura asked as she gathered some papers the hokage has already reviewed. 

"Don't question my decisions, Sakura." - She growled after taking a deep drink from a cup of tea. Lately she has been seen drinking way more tea than sake. But Sakura was smart enough to know what she kept in the lower drawers of her desk. There were eyes on her constantly, waiting for her to slip up, so it was understandable that she kept her alcohol consumption literally under the table. The pink haired kunoichi sighed at the unnecessarily angry response from the sannin. - "I think you need to practice some more, I haven't given you a proper beating in a while."

Tsunade's voice indicated that she was kidding, but her eyes said she was dead serious. And to a certain extent she was serious. There was still the matter of Kakashi and her - it was never discussed between Tsunade and Sakura. Heck, it was never even discussed between Kakashi and Sakura... after they were released from the hospital, Kakashi left to complete mission after mission, never letting the hokage assign him anything shorter than a 3 week job. Tunade never wanted to pry, but she felt responsible for pushing her into the arms of the copy-ninja. Sakura waited patiently, for she let herself believe at every single occasion that after the current mission he would come and talk to her. 

But it has been literal hell for her. She would wake up in agony sometimes, feeling a kunai cut into her sides, or flames burn her skin... but eventually realise that it was not her experiencing these injuries, but her other half - Kakashi. 

On the other side, she has stopped telling the details to Ino after a couple months, since all she said was that she should tell Tsunade about these side effects and that she should talk to Kakashi about it as well.... which was pretty obvious, and she knew it was logical, but she still couldn't bring herself to do that. Why? 

Because Tsunade had warned her before all this began that going in for Kakashi came with great risks and that the jutsu, which she planned to use was not fully ready. She had also told them to let it burn out. Maybe that is what Kakashi was doing. Waiting for all this to disappear.  However she felt as if the bond was getting stronger. She would sometimes feel more than the extreme pain of being injured. She would sometimes feel hungry after just finishing a meal or feel sadness out of the blue.  The other reason was that she had walked by Kakashi's place on purpose so many times in hopes of running into the sensei that now she could not even bring herself to go near the neighbourhood anymore. The locals started to notice her, a lady in the small convenience store knew her by name and since she always pretended she was there to help someone, most people knew her for helping out wherever there was work to be done. It gained her a very positive reputation, but she was sure if the sensei wanted to notice her, he would have had plenty of opportunities. He never did, and because of that, she started going less and less until she gave up hope entirely. 

I wish I would know why men tend to avoid me like this... even the sensei... Her thought trailed back to their one night stand - if it can be called as such. Physically, they only almost kissed. Mentally, they knew every inch of each other. She looked at the corner where she would take a left turn to walk to Kakashi's neighbourhood... and instead, she took the right. Going into a small bar, she ordered a bottle of sake with the clear intention of drinking away her sorrow and moving on from all and every heartbreak she has ever had to experience. But as soon as she poured her first cup, a figure slipped into the booth with her.

"I wouldn't advise you to do that." - Shikamaru said as he lit a cigarette. Ever since Asuma's death, he'd been smoking nonstop. Understandably so. 

"I won't lecture you on the health risks of smoking, and you won't bug me for day-drinking... How does that sound, Nara?" - She said after throwing her first drink back. 

"Like a deal, Haruno... Like a deal." - Shikamaru sighed and waved at the waitress to bring him a cup too. He poured them both the next round and drank his before Sakura could object. 

"So what is the deal with you, why are you here?" - She inquired. Her pony tailed friend just shrugged his shoulders.

"You could say, life's being a drag." - He said, quickly drinking another round, catching up to her. 

"Oh, I can relate." - She sighed.

After four bottles of sake, they were both extremely intoxicated. She had told Shikamaru everything about how she was connected with Kakashi and how they had a moment but months had since passed them by. He told her about how Ino got weird after he told her about his relationship with Temari.

“She was super supportive at first, always helping me figure out what that damned woman wated or meant... then when I asked for advice on what is the right time to suggest some more... intimate relations, she just dropped me like I was just some annoying dude she had to put up with.” - Shikamaru sighed - “She even said that she was only hanging out with me because the history of our families... because it was mandatory. A day or so after that she started sleeping with Genma. She seems happy, so I am sure he treats her right, but it’s... it’s GENMA for fuck’s sake. That man is a pain in the butt when it comes to women. Leaving the rest of the team the pick up the pieces when he is done with her.”

Sakura chuckled a bit. - “Ino can be harsh when she feels vulnerable.. and she does stupid things to hide her pain.” - she waved at the waitress and ordered a glass of water. She was sure this topic required a bit more attention than her drunk brain could manage.

“Pain?” - Shikamaru scoffed - “What about the pain she inflicts on the rest of us?”

“Nara, you are the smartest man in Konoha. Hell, maybe the smartest ninja alive right now... yet you still manage to be dumb when it comes to women.” - Sakura chugged her water and poured another glass from the pitcher the waitress (very considerately) brought instead of one single glass.

Shikamaru looked confused for a second then burried his face in his hands - “Please don’t tell me Ino...” - he started massaging his temples - “No, that cannot be. You are just messing with me.”

“I am her best friend. I know Ino like the back of my hand..” - she said and reached across the table to put her hand on his shoulders - “She might have acted like she never cared for you like that, because she felt like she had to go for the coolest man possible.. but it is not news.” - Sakura shrugged her shoulders. Ino has never told her she liked Shikamaru per se, but she did told her things that made it clear as day. The blonde admired his wit and strenght openly, looked up to him and complained about Temari to Sakura nonstop. She had even went as far as to say that the sand ninja is not worthy of her teammate’s attention - let alone his love. Obviously, ‘I love Shikamaru Nara’ never left her lips... it was possible even she didn’t know how obvious it was.

“It is news.” - Shikamaru growled. He was trying to make sense of it all. They have known each other since they were born. Their families were so intertwined they might as well be in the same clan. He has been around Ino through thick and thin, saw her at her lowest and they helped each other through more than one difficult situation. It would be a lie to say he has never once looked at her and thought about her in a different way than a friend or a comrade. She was extremely beautiful - that was undeniable, but he found her hunger for attention and twisted image of beauty repulsive. He had brought Ino home after countless times after she had a couple more drinks than she should have and he recalled that each and every time Ino tried to get him to bring her to his apartment rather than hers, but he thought it was because of her father being a drag when she was drunk. She did flirt with him openly when she wanted something, but again, she WANTED something. It was her way of GETTING what she wanted from every member of the opposite sex.

Sakura watched with amusement as a storm of emotions stormed across the poor man’s face. Sure enough, Ino was a piece of work, and Shikamaru has always voiced his frustration with complicated women.

“But, if she wanted to get with me, what is the deal with her and Genma?” - He asked and poured himself another glass of sake. He was not going to stop just because his drinking buddy has. - “She should have known I won’t ever go for her like that. Genma is not just my elder and my superior. He is a friend.”

“Rebound.” - she said without looking up. He has realized that she has been playing with her fingers. The topic made her uncomfortable for some reason. Even she couldn’t explain why. - “Look, Ino is my best friend. I shouldn’t even tell any of this to you. She would squash me like a bug if she knew we talked about this. But I want her to be happy, and I guess I wanted you to see the whole picture. I’m sure you love Temari. You two have had chemistry since day one. But I would much rather see her with you than anyone else.”

“That’s not fair.” - Shikamaru said and lit another cigarette. - “Temari and I have had some sort of connection, sure. And dating her has been not awful either. But you know I would give anything up for my team.” - he blew out the smoke. That was true, he would have given up his life to protect Ino and Choji. But this was different. He was not obligated to chose. He could just go on and be with Temari, Ino would find a man easily. She would still live happily ever after. But blaming Sakura was easier. What he really blamed her for was giving him ideas rather than telling him the truth.

“Life’s not fair, Nara.” - She finished her drink, but despite her words, she did feel a bit guilty. It was not fair steering Shikamaru towards Ino when she was occupied with Genma. But her friend chose the biggest playboy in the village for a reason.

“So what about Kakashi?” - Shikamaru tried to turn the topic around.

“What about Kakashi?” - echoed a man standing by their table. He appeared there without them noticing. Kakashi. In the flesh. He wore baggy dark blue cargo pants and military boots and a sleeveless slik top that was in one with his mask. The top was thin and figure fitting. Every muscle visible underneath. Sakura felt her throat tighten as her eyes met his. She waited for so long. She longed for him to come to talk to her since he left. Now he was here, and she just wanted to run.