#I can't stop thinking about how incredibly psychologically built the characters are

[sillycreaturefromthevoid]

Our Wonderland is such a weird hyperfixation for me because it literally spawned out of nowhere. I was like "Hey I'm bored why don't I just play a random game" which is something I pretty much NEVER do. I see an interesting unique artstyle that reminds me of those graphic novels and comics I would read in middle school when I had no friends and spent my time on the school library. And I thought "Hey, the visuals look so interesting, I'm invested already, the characters look so unique and special." Then, as I played, I slowly realized how well written the narration was, how incredibly immersive the fantasy setting was and, worse of all, how relatable the characters were. I slowly realized "Hey, I'm the target audience for this!!" And I was shocked, as I had just randomly dived into the game, only to get surprised, especially by the queer and neurodivergent content from it. How incredible, the game took a hold of my entire soul, and now I don't spend a day without thinking about it. Sigh.

[grimsmuses]

❤️❤️, one for William and one for Henry

// THANK YOUU! and also hi!!! i hope you're well :)

red heart - a song you associate with your character and why // open!!! please send as many of these as you want :)

i have literally so many. i have playlists upon playlists of songs i associate with william or henry and or their dynamic as a whole ( i believe i've had about 6 over the 7 years that i've shipped them ) so i could talk about them for literally hours LMAO i'll choose a recent favorite ( or one that's tied for favorite ) for each! ( and i'll do one of my favorite song that i base their dynamic off of. purely because i don't think i'll get any more of these and i wanna talk about them lmao <3 )

this is going to be so incredibly long so feel free to read the rest under the cut!

william - skins by the haunting

i wanna preface this by saying very obviously that william is in no way me. i don't share any of these experiences or desires; i purely like psychology and dark media and true crime and am fascinated by the minds of people capable to do such horrible things, because i myself am so empathetic that i can't even imagine doing any of it. i do not speak from any kind of experience outside of what i've learned in school and in my own research.

i feel like every verse and chorus describes him perfectly. it's oddly a very beautiful yet equally haunting song ( which i also think is just perfect for my interpretation of him ) and i highly recommend you check it out, but i'll break it down lyric by lyric as to why it reminds me of him !!

i am an anarchist when i'm gone, i won't be missed but i don't wanna die like this, i wanna heal i don't wanna lie like this, i wanna feel but i don't need that anymore

this reminds me of the way i characterize younger william. william in his middle school to high school to early college years was very confused as to why he seemed to be so different from others and feel so little. it never exactly bothered him, nor did his violent intrusive thoughts, and he was aware that he was brash and rude and cold and not a very good person and lacked empathy as a whole and that if he were to disappear, he wouldn't be missed and he doubted anyone would look for him. but that didn't scare him. neither did dying.

his parents would not leave it alone. they toted him to psychiatrist to psychologist to neurologist and every other specialist they could to try to find out what was wrong with him. a lot of them pointed to some sort of apathetic disorder and a lack of feeling entirely, but his parents were afraid of it, so they eventually stopped looking into it. they thought maybe it was better not to know. for a while it was easier just to fake things -- which is where he learned to mask so well and turn his antisocial, cold personality to a complete 180 and craft the perfect people person and faux-empathy that we see at fredbear's in silver eyes -- to make them stop toting him around to doctors or expressing their concern to all of his teachers. he was alienated at school, and while he wasn't upset that he didn't have any friends, he was upset because he liked knowing people. finding out what mad them tick. he liked people's brains. he liked understanding how to identify and push their buttons.

i wanna hurt feel taste real blood spill love kill

fairly self-explanatory i feel, but i have a lot of thoughts regardless, so i'll explain them :)

william eventually got sick of the void. he was tired of feeling numb, because it was boring. all of his life, playing by the societally acclaimed "rules" was boring. he wasn't built like the rest of society. something was clearly deeply wrong with him. so why should he have to abide like the rest of them? like cattle?

the thrill of killing and doing something so abhorrently wrong was what fulfilled him. it was the only thing that hadn't bored him. people were the only thing that were never the same twice; people were always surprising. their reactions to certain things ( pain, for example, or fear ) was always pleasing to him. he also learned that manipulating people to get a desired outcome was shockingly easy, too.

i need no introduction welcome to the greatest show i can teach you how to ruin your relationships with everyone important that you know

tell me if you wanna hurt feel taste real blood spill love kill

this part reminds me of henry and how he tried to coerce him into the dark side with him. henry was the first person he met that sparked interest in him, because henry was so different from anyone he'd ever met. he was inherently contradictory.

he was strongly opinionated, yet afraid and soft-spoken and shy. he was talented, skilled and incredibly hard-working, yet he was terrified of what people might think of his creations, so he kept them to himself for a while. he wasn't afraid to speak his mind, but he kept to himself. he was smart enough to know better, but weak enough to be susceptible to william's tricks.

william quickly fell in love with henry in the only way he understood: sheer obsession and fixation. he wanted to puppet henry, control his life and every move and decision; he wanted to own henry, and have henry be his and his alone. but henry was stronger than that; stronger than william gave him credit for.

but for henry's strength, william had charisma and an entire life of learning how to mask and coax empathy from those who had it. they were each other's perfect foil. a match made in hell.

hey, did i ruin your night? hey, did i ruin you? ... i am an anarchist i am your fool.

at this point william is so fascinated with henry that no matter what, no matter what henry chooses for himself, william will never let him go. he'll never write himself out of henry's narrative. in whatever form he takes, in whatever way he can, he will never let henry be without him. whether its nightmares, whether its physically by his side, whether its a business partner and friend, or simply a personification of henry's biggest mistakes, regrets, and bad reputation -- william will always be a part of henry, as henry will always be a part of william. there comes a time where they're less their own people and more an inseparable singular being, much like how remnant is infused with metal. their relationship is a metaphor for everything they started together, and eventually became.

------ end of william's section lol

-- okay !! that was VERY long ( as i knew it would be lmao i never know when to shut up about them ) but now moving onto henry!!

i'm not gonna talk about this song in depth ( this time, anyway ) but i hiiighly recommend you listen to nothing remains by andrew stein ( if you haven't already ). it's actually written about henry / fnaf, but i can be picky about characterization and writing but i think that song encompasses at least my interpretation of henry perfectly.

it's hard for me to choose just one song to talk about with henry, but i'm gonna choose the beach by the neighborhood.

if i told you that i loved you, tell me, what would you say? if i told you that i hated you, would you go away? now i need your help with everything that i do i don't wanna lie, i've been relying on you

this makes me think of how towards the end of the peak of their relationship ( being a loose word; platonic or otherwise ) william had practically conditioned henry to be anything william wanted. william made henry love him so much that henry was willing to do anything he wanted, yet henry was smart enough to know it wasn't good. he knew better, but he let it happen, so he's just as guilty in his mind as william is for doing the crimes. plus, if it weren't for henry, william wouldn't know nearly as much about robotics as he does. henry accidentally "helped to create this monster" ( in his own words ) and now he's helpless. he doesn't know how to fix it. doesn't know if he deserves to try.

falling again i need a pick-me-up i've been calling you friend, might need to give it up

again just henry knowing that william is bad for him, that what they're doing is bad, that what henry is letting slide goes beyond just him; but it's hard to give that up. it's hard to let go of william. he knows he should but he just can't. every time henry is sad, he goes straight back to william as though he'd been pavloved to. and he knows he's to blame. but sometimes it's easier to ignore it and let the good moments be good in a world of bad.

it's so complicated and difficult. henry doesn't know what to do. and william certainly isn't helping. but the moment william kills charlie, that tether snaps. henry is finally willing to do whatever it takes to bring him down ( and the guilt skyrockets that he's only ever realizing that this is a serious problem when it's his kid. not for any of the other bad things william did. it's only worth taking down when it affects him. he feels like such a monster.).

i'm sick and i'm tired, too i can admit i am not fireproof

i feel it burning me i feel it burning you i hope i don't murder me i hope i don't burden you

this feels like henry admitting how worn down he is ( he tried to keep appearances up for the general public and to william for the longest time ) and how much he wants everything to just be normal again. he knows it can't happen though, and he knows he has to take a stand, and so he does. he knows he isn't the only one the distance is wearing down on; it's one of his best and easiest ways to get back at afton. just to create distance between them. it drives william up the wall to not have and own henry's body and mind anymore.

henry just hopes that he can survive long enough to be the one to take william down. and he hates that some part of him still loves and cares for william. that will never stop. he'll never get over him.

swim with me i think i could see the beach i know what's underneath i need you here with me but we're out in the open

swim with me i think i could see the beach just don't look underneath us i need you here with me but we're out in the open

henry knows the only way that he can take down william is by taking himself down as well. by now he is but a shell of his former self; a calloused version of him that is set in stone and broken emotionally to a point of uncaring. he knows living without william just might be impossible.

so he rigs it so that he doesn't have to. he'll engulf the whole building in flames with the both of them inside. they'll go down together, just as they started all of this together. they're too inseparable for one to exist without the other; henry knows even if he wanted to escape, william would never let him rest. he'd appear in his nightmares, in his intrusive thoughts, in his paranoid delusions -- it's not a life worth living, even if he wanted to. not without charlie. he has no reason to go on.

so they burn together. :')

------ end of henry's segment!

-- now for a final note, and i'd love to break this one down lyric by lyric if anyone's still reading or cares; the sum of their relationship is like wires by the neighborhood. it was the first helliam / willry ( i prefer helliam so if you hear me call it that, that's what i mean lol, it just seems more fitting of a shipname imo ) song i ever associated with them and i still stand heavily by it and think it rings true. but i don't wanna waste time on it if nobody reads this far lol <3

if you did, thank you !! truly. it's really nice to have people listen to my ramblings haha. helliam is my favorite ship ever and i have so many thoughts and theories and songs to associate it with so there's always more where this came from <3

[annyankers]

also hot take (?): but vampires DO have souls. the creation of a vampire in btvs lore is literally that a demonic essence/spirit/spiritual energy (in this instance a vampiric one and not some other kind of demon) enters a human corpse and parasitically latches on, altering the human corpse to better suit it with an initial burst of spooky evil demon magic (which is part of why i never think any lore that says vampire can't do magic makes sense like, how do you think they even function fam?). it then uses the info and identity of the former inhabitant that's all still locked up in those dead synapses to help it acclimate to the new dimension and build a sense of identity. you can argue that the vampire is not your dead friend but what is a person if not their memories and thoughts? all of which the vampire now shares too. so that's a fun little thing to puzzle on in philosophy class.

vampires in the buffy world are pretty explicitly a manufactured creature built of a demonic essence/entity grafted into a human cadaver which merge to make a new species which is why they're so low on the demon hierarchy. they're the most mongrel-y of all the half-breeds. what is the soul if not a spiritual essence that fuels and motivates the body? the metaphysical component that makes the system complete? what is the vampire of not a perversion of the human condition? does it not then stand that the vampire soul is the twisted mirror of the human one?

the thing is that while this is Kinda Common Sense when you sit down and just look at objectively how the vampire is made it's a dangerous concept in universe and we fall pray to believe the same propaganda built to ensnare our characters.

the slayer was made in almost the exact same process as a vampire only with a living subject-- a demonic essence grafted into a human host. there is no magic leash on a slayer, there are no words that can be chanted to bring her to heel, the watchers have to use standard psychological manipulation to control her. a slayer who realizes that she has more in common with vampires on a fundamental level than she does humans (tho not on a moral or motivation level obvs) is very dangerous to their control and to the concept of "slayer as sheepdog" as a whole. conditioning them to see vampires as animals and not sentient humanoid beings with thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams, who have souls that while demonic are no less valid in their existence then any human one is integral to keeping the machine working and keeping your young emotionally/mentally vulnerable weapon from having a nervous breakdown because she just you know, massacred a whole bunch of people. fangy people, but people none the less.

btvs and the watcher council mentality the main btvs cast is tainted by is incredibly human centric, watch even a little of ats and it becomes glaringly obvious. ats is extremely flawed but one of it's strongest points was letting us see the expanded world of demons and non-human culture. the issue is then that buffy and co come off as rabid human-centrists because of how they talk about vampires and demons as a whole. there's a reason tara didn't want them to know she was half demon when she thought that line was true. the scoobies spout anti-demon rhetoric like it's their jobs. the way they treat anya is horrendous and it's because she has the Taint of demon and neurodivergence coding (which is a whole different kettle so).

the continued talk about spike like he's a subhuman while he's either at their mercy or on their side is galling. you cannot be called the good guys and then treat other sentient creatures like animals and vermin to be killed or mocked for your amusement. full stop. you cannot claim a moral high ground and behave like this which is what the scoobies consistently claim. they believe they are in the moral right and have the moral high ground consistently. when in reality they are pretty fucked up and have done repugnant immoral shit multiple times (hello all the various scoobie caused invasions of personal autonomy!). you can be a protagonist and have uh... Dodgey Morals™ (ex. the punisher) but when you claim you are better because you have better morals but also refuse to see the other side as even worthy of being seen as a truly living creature with like feelings and shit now i'm treating you with contempt.

there are people who will say that buffy was the sole victim of the toxicity that is s6 spuffy but if you believe that you also are tacitly agreeing that her belief that spike is an "it", an animal with no bodily autonomy to respect or feelings to hurt or be manipulated is true. and why? because he's a vampire? he has a soul, a demonic soul. he literally would not exist if a metaphysical entity/force hadn't entered william pratt's fucking corpse and make it theirs. this is an inherently repugnant act and even if we all sit down and agree she did nothing else to contribute to this toxicity she still looked another sentient being who she knew had some kind of feelings for her, used his want and his desperation to abuse herself with and spent the entire time considering him as something between cattle and a lamp. i'm sorry but that's wildly fucked up at it's core and if you can't see that i worry for you.

what if she was dating a nice half-bracken guy and she did all that shit to him? if he tried to stop her from turning herself in for a crime she didn't commit and then beat him bloody and called him an it, a thing, not a person, not real? are you still okay with that because he's a demon? are humans the only species in your eyes with the right to personhood in this universe? do you, like buffy and co, prefer to take the words of a group known to manipulate everything and who treat girls like buffy as things themselves over the evidence you see before your eyes on screen and the actions and words of the demons themselves? buffy's actions towards spike from s4 to s6 are repugnant because they're no longer enemies and she's no longer the council's attack dog but she still refuses to give him the basic decency of personhood.

and you can get into all kinds about shit about how vampires are evil and he's done terrible things and i will not respect you for using any of that to try and say it's okay to treat someone who you relay on or are in any kind of relationship with like they're a thing. otherization and depersonification are tools used to make it "okay" to commit atrocities. for every spike who you say it's "okay" to treat like an animal, there's a harmony who isn't really all that bad and happily switches to bagged blood and integrates pretty peacefully into human society when given the chance. and she will get put right next to spike as an animal to be killed because she doesn't matter. using his past actions to deny him the right of personhood is a lazy tactic to divert the discussion and absolve buffy and co of moral failings.

the nazis are also evil, but i will not deny they are people. doesn't mean i wouldn't take the shot if i had one if i was put in that position. it just means i acknowledge i ended a life that probably meant something to someone. and that's my issue with buffy and co. that's my issue with "vampires are soulless" and buffy's treatment of spike in s6 and how people talk about it. regardless of literally anything else either of them did, denying another sentient being the right to be acknowledged as one while still demanding things from them is inherently a core repugnant act. she is willing to use his feelings and body for her advantage but also refuses to respect them as real and just as valid as hers. again, how would you feel if she treated lorne like this? if she demanded things of him but didn't respect his basic right to be seen as a valid sentient being just like her?

in btvs vampires have souls, demons have souls, and they all deserve the basic decency to have that acknowledged. even by the slayer. especially by the slayer frankly since she is also in her own way One Of Them and if she's going to hunt them down and kill them she can at least acknowledge that she ended a life and didn't just flip an off switch. if you can't get with this whole concept of the validity of non-human life in a universe where the MCs humanity is frequently questioned and the Other and Otherism is frequently a theme then i really am not interested in talking to you.

[letteredlettered]

Hm, I think something went wrong with the message I sent you. So sorry! I'm trying again. It seems so frivolous to ask you a question but I'm in dire need of escapism after already one week of lockdown in Germany. I hope you are ok! I've only discovered your Drarry fics beginning of this month, love them! And "Another mask behind you is really lingering. I can't seem to get over it. Brilliant!

I’m sorry it took me so long to reply to you! I know lockdown is over in Germany, but I hope you made it through okay, and thank you so much for this ask.

Since the ask is very long and my answer even longer, I have placed the remaining portions of the ask and the response under this cut. The discussion is about Another Mask Behind You, which is a Harry/Draco I wrote that involves Draco being a sex worker. It also has elements of both non-con and dub-con. If any of these topics disturb you in fiction, please take heed if you check out the fic or read the reply. I do not think this ask or answer will make sense unless you have read the fic, which I can’t really say that I recommend, though there are parts of it I like.

The way you brilliantly use searing, toe-curling sex-scenes to draw me in, but because the drivers behind the intense need for both characters are not sexual, it’s never enough, NEVER ENOUGH, and I keep getting more and more frantic as the fic progresses, just like Draco. Well done :-)The way you disregard expected tropes and make the journey so much more complicated, so much more nuanced ….. well, so much more painful – it’s just incredibly rewarding. So painful, but so rewarding. (2/7)

The brilliant way you use the unreliable narrator, always delusionally speaking through his survival-shell of shame defense, his biased perception of reality in general and Potter specifically, but especially himself. And this confrontation-scene when he finally implodes into his shame – my god, do you really want to break my heart? Seriously? (3/7)

Then the way you capture the obviously intergenerationally transmitted Malfoy-steel-spine, the “holding on to the last thread of myself in impossible circumstances” - the emotions that invokes I can’t even put into words. There is so much more I want to say, but this format is too restricted. I postest a long comment on Archiveof OurOwns. I'm getting to my question :-) (4/7)

Another thing I adore about your writing is that you write powerful endings. This fic and “Away with childish things” are so, so psychologically satisfying but with quite a bit of narrative tension unresolved - so that I’m forced to spend joyful days with filling in the gaps.However, with one gap of this fic I’m really struggling and I would love to hear your take. (5/7)

I get the struggle with the betrayal and all, but as Draco so accurately puts it “So many unfamiliar expressions had he made in the last two times Draco had seen him, that Draco was no longer sure he’d ever really known him – as though in some sense, Potter had been playing a part as much as Draco had.”I don’t see any awareness develop in Harry regarding his obvious control-compulsion, the covert objectification hidden behind feelings of “love”, that made Tristan a “safe” partner. (6/7)

It will be so bitterly precarious for Harry (not so much Draco) to ever share this side of him within a power-balanced relationship, so risky and hazardous. Will he ever be able to work himself up there? It could be potentially so incredibly cathartic but I’m not so sure. Harry would need extensive aftercare, I guess. Would love to hear your head canon and thoughts? Do you have a story in your head how things would develop between these two? Thank you so much for your art! (7/7)

For those who are interested, I replied to the full comment on AO3. I’ve reproduced most of my answer below for those who are interested:

I'm glad you enjoy the unreliable narrator, and I’m very touched you like my stories.

Regarding my endings--thank you for your kind words, but I have to say most of my H/D fics do not end the way I plan. Most of them were written in a big rush to meet a fest deadline, including this one. I was not at all satisfied with the end of this fic, but I realized that to get satisfaction from it, I would either need to rewrite the fic or write a whole sequel, because the story of Harry and Draco working toward a healthy relationship is not this fic. This fic is about getting them to a point where they might even want to work on a healthy relationship, and so by the time I got finished there was just not room to write the other things I wanted and I didn’t have time to fix it because of the deadline.

I think Harry could get to the point where he would bottom for Draco. I also think he could get to the point where there is a balance of power in their relationship. I think it would take much longer for him to get to the point where he would say that the reason he was comfortable with Tristan was because he held all the power. I honestly believe that that understanding would not come intuitively for him, that he would either need therapy or many many years to get there, possibly both.

I'm guessing you saw this, as you quoted the part about his unfamiliar expressions, but part of the point is supposed to be that Harry is lying to himself just as much as Draco, just in different ways. The way Harry sees things is:  Tristan as an essentially good person with many great qualities. Tristan's snobbery and selfishness and arrogance and entitlement and pettiness seem to be his flaws, but because Harry sees Tristan as good, Harry can accept these flaws. This leads Harry to not take the flaws very seriously--he feels they are surface attributes of someone who is deep down good. He even finds these flaws charming. When Harry finds out Draco is Tristan, because Harry believes Draco is not a good person, he takes the flaws seriously. He no longer sees them as surface attributes and takes them as evidence of Draco's deep down horrible character.

I think that because Harry still wants Draco so viscerally even after everything, and because Harry can still see all the ways that Draco is Tristan despite Draco's betrayal, Harry begins to understand that this is a very simplistic view of people and the world. Just because we're on the side that is against the side of the genocidal bigots does not make us fundamentally good, and being fundamentally good does not make our flaws light and fluffy and charming. And just because we're on the side of the genocidal bigots does not mean that nothing can be good in us, that everything you found good and lovely in us was a complete lie. Eventually, Harry learns  that Draco is a whole person, neither good nor bad in essence, just really someone who has done lots of horrible things, but has the capacity to grow beyond that. And as Draco does grow beyond that, Harry begins to love him as a whole person, rather than a black and white one.

This is the story that Harry sees and thinks that he experiences as he learns to love Draco.

However, I do believe there's another story under that, and that story is possibly one that Harry never understands.This story is about power, as you mention, but it's also about the depth of Harry's delusion. The main premise that drives this under-story is why Harry was so willing to believe Tristan was, in essence, good. Why was he so willing to see Tristan's faults as charming, when some of Tristan's snootier comments actually suggest some underlying pure-blood bigotry?

The answer is that Harry wanted to believe that. He wanted a person who wasn't real, and Tristan having flaws just made Tristan feel more real, even though he wasn't. And why does Harry want a fake? Because Harry doesn't want to be real either. He doesn't want to really share himself, or give pieces of himself he doesn't want to; he doesn't want to stop being a hero or spend time that may make himself face himself and who he is. In this fic, Harry is someone who does not know how to love except to perform acts of service, which I find believable because so much of his friendships were built on saving each other and working together to save others. He does not know how to relax, which I also find believable given all the abuse and hardship. This leads to repression and difficulty seeing to his own needs, which in this fic leads to him becoming quite controlling. In this fic he wants to relax; he wants to stop and take time with himself and those he loves, but he has become so pent-up that he doesn't know how to relax without being forced to do it.

However, being forced to relax is a loss of control, and the Harry of this fic is too messed up to find a way to do it straightforwardly. Thus, for him, hiring a sex worker means he is in control of the situation on one level, but can let go of control on another level. The fact that he wants to bottom right away with Tristan but took a long time with Weatherby (his ex in this fic) is further evidence of the fact that Harry is really only okay with ceding this control because he has a different kind of control over what is happening. It's the same, actually, with Tristan demanding that Harry not work so much and spend time with him. Harry wouldn't like it if a non-sex-worker-boyfriend were asking the same thing, because he wouldn't feel that he ultimately had control of the situation.

So, again, no, I do not think Harry would admit any of this or understand it about himself without a lot of work and time.

However, I'm just not sure he has to for Draco and him to have a happy, healthy relationship.

I think the story Harry tells himself--that he saw Tristan as good, Draco as bad, and that this is ultimately too simplistic--is actually enough for Harry to begin to let go of some of this control. Harry would have to realize, with this understanding that people are not black and white, that he wanted to spoil Tristan not just because Tristan was morally good, but because he likes to spoil people. Harry would have to realize that he enjoyed Tristan being selfish and demanding not just because Tristan was morally pristine, but because Harry actually gets hot for that kind of behavior. Harry would have to realize he enjoyed Tristan topping the fuck out of him not just because Tristan was morally flawless, but because Harry just really likes to get fucked and fucked hard. With Draco, Harry wants the happiness he had with Tristan. To get it, Harry has to allow some of the behavior that happened with Tristan, without that extra veneer of control Harry once had because Tristan was a sexworker that Harry was paying.

Draco would learn from this too--that he can still be himself, that he can still be demanding, that he can still fuck Harry. And with that would come more self-acceptance for Draco and more confidence, which would actually help him grow to become more like Tristan was. And that would make Harry more accepting as well. I think eventually they could have something that approximates a lot of the love and comfort and domesticity they felt during the month Harry contracted Draco, but it would be without lies, and without control, and without attempts to manipulate each other.

I think for that, Harry would not need to know that the reason it worked for him was because he had all the power.

I do feel like Draco probably understands it very well. I could see a long time after they finally become quite comfortable with each other, them lying in bed after fucking, Draco finally saying, "You do know you were only okay with me doing that to you at first because you were paying me." And Harry would say, "No, it's because you lied to me and had a different face." And Draco would say, "Mm-hm," and trace the circle on Harry's chest, and then eventually say, "It's also because you were paying me. You wouldn't have let anyone else do those things I did." And Harry would say, "I don't think you understand how attracted I was to you." And Draco would say, "Mm-hm," and trace some more. "But it was also because you were paying me," Draco would say finally. "You knew you were in control." And then I think Harry would finally think about it, but it would be so long ago, that finally he could say something like, "Yeah. I don't know. I guess you're right." "I'm always right," Draco would say, and Harry would find this charming too.

I hope I answered this very interesting question to your satisfaction, and sorry again for the wait!

[vxnevermorevx]

Welcome to my mind

For the last three years, my mind has been... Well, shit. Not that it hadn't been on a steady decline for years prior.

Recently, someone named her Denise. My other me. "Because that's what she is..when something is the opposite of something it's de-. She's not nice, she's De-Nice..."

Denise.

The name give to the me that's not me but spends more time pretending to be me than I do.

*Character Bio*

When I'm not Denise, I'm Ginny and she was the most wonderful person. I miss her dearly.

I had a great childhood. Very few psychological events, in my opinion. We never had much money, but my mom made sure I never knew it. My father worked hard at both his job and destroying his marriage; which is probably one of the marks on my childhood. More to come on that, I'm sure.

I didn't have trouble in school, per se. Bullied only a handful of times in all my school years. My mom is a designer, so I wore things you couldn't find on stores throughout my whole school life. I was *always* ahead of the trend and some kids couldn't handle it. We're talking 1991-2003. So, jumpers, corsets, mesh dusters, pants with fur on the bottom, dressing like anime characters... I was the first of everyone around me to be dressing that way. And I loved it!

But I had my revenge, as my hecklers could be seen wearing the same things they made fun of me for, after it became trendy. I guess you didn't have to be dead to be caught wearing that after all...

I struggled in math and excelled in art and writing. I had mostly good teachers, I think only one hated me.

I met all my best friends there. Can't say I've made all that many more in the years since. But, in my defense I'm surrounded by people who are nothing like me. You see, I grew up in Florida. All my vital youthful years were spent there. And now I live near Portland, Oregon. God, why? I even lost one of my dearest friends to the city. She completely changed from a fun, artistic girl who liked to draw, read, and cook...to...one of them. She's now a guilt vegan ( let's you know how disgusting you are for eating meat ) and is obsessed with shows that need to be cancelled. I had known this girl since first grade, she said she would follow the first friend who loved out of state. That was me, so she came out here too. Our friendship immediately began deteriorating as she would not allow me in my own room during the day, because she was talking to some loser friend of hers online. This person left her in a Walgreen's 20 miles from her home, on the wrong side of town, when we were all barely old enough to drive, because she was taking too long looking at eyeliner. But, she sounds like a solid individual to begin emulating. Are you serious? I watched my fully replacement take effect. 20 years of friendship completely gone in a matter of months. Have you ever watched someone stop carrying about you? Think about it. No, don't think about it. It's awful. She even physically ended our friendship. The first I had ever experienced. It was wrenching. But, I'm too far ahead now. I need to tell you how I got to Oregon.

Somewhere around me being 16, my dad stopped coming home. His mother had recently died and he knew some pretty shitty people willing to help him take the pain away. How does a poor, dyslexic, hoodlum, with a history of abuse cure the blues? Crack, of course. My mom did all she knew how to do, but she was pretty done with it all. They got divorced and some rich old lady "saved" him and whisked him off to Maryland where he would suffer many years of depression for what he had done to his family.

Now, it was just my mother and me. I immediately got a job and gave her my entire paycheck to help keep us in our lovely house. But as fate would have it, the city claimed eminent domain on our house with plans to build a water treatment facility. So, they lowballed us on what our house was worth and gave us 6 months to move. Now, here's some important side information: my mom is an army brat who grew up with mountains her whole life, until moving to Florida for my dad, which was apparently one of the last places she ever wanted to be. And my chummy from another tummy, was born in Oregon and had recently left me to go to OSU. This girl is my sister by all counts but blood. So, with a few other helping factors the logical answer was to start anew. How completely different my life would have been if I stayed. Can't say it would be better, just 100% different from what it is now.

But, in 2005 we moved to Oregon on the promise that we would do all the things we wanted to do and be living in Seattle in a few years.

None of that worked out. I can still remember the first night we spent in our apartment. I hated it. I let everyone know too. I think I cried for a week. I just wanted to go home. My Sisi was too far away to see her more often than the weekends and slowly her grades began to falter. This led to her dropping out and moving back to Florida just five months after I moved out here for her. I fell apart. I had only my mom and I love her, but sometimes you need your friends... You know? We did what we could and took jobs we hated and tried to get used to our new surroundings. I'm apparently a spoiled brat so I'm sure I made things painful for my mom who was finally back in her element and here I was stomping around telling everyone how much I hated it. Hate it. Present tense. I know the whole world is a cess pool of hipster, millennial idiots who all think that they know how to run the world, but the concentration of their free-for-all holier-than-thou ways is as dense here as the trees. It's exhausting listening to people who haven't showered in a week tell you how special they are because they have this heightened awareness that they learned from some Joe Blow and happens to not be fact at all. I have had a 24 year old Hispanic girl tell me that only white people can be racist, everyone else is prejudice. I told her that that in itself was a racist statement. And she said "no it's not. My teacher told me, and she has a PhD." I don't think I need to explain the definition of racism, but I do think Manson could have thrived in this town.

Fast forward quite a few years and we are both still in Oregon working jobs we hate not getting any of the things done we said we would. Are we lazy? Are we depressed? I'm sure it's both.

But, a small miracle comes my way, as I'm getting dressed to go down to the office to sign the next years lease I get a call from a woman who used to work with me. She asks if we are still looking for a new place to live and I tell her yes! We end up renting her townhouse from her because she's getting married. She proves to be a terrible landlord, probably because she's not all that good at being a person. She's really great at other things, but not that. Somme people are like that. But, I also haven't learned how to speak Oregonian in the 14 years I have been here.

A few more years and we end up buying the house and I have changed jobs for my health and things are looking up. I lose some of the weight I had acquired in my sorrows. I even find a guy that I can tolerate. Mostly bc he's 4000 miles away in another country. But, I struggle to find my way in our incredibly mismatched relationship. And he's so smart. So, successful... Here it comes... "what's he doing with a loser like me?"

My friends.... They all have something to show for their lives: degrees, children (Im not interested in these things,) husbands, jobs they don't hate....

I have a mortgage and a ridiculously high HOA, two payed off cars, 50 extra pounds on my ass, a job I'm not particularly built for, and a guy whom I love differently than he loves me.

I'm killing it.... Or myself. One way or the other. "I still haven't figured that shit out yet " -Eddie Murphy

I think this a pretty good place to stop for now. You should have a good amount of reference points for the following posts which will entirely be me, describing my chronic severe depression hoping that someone somewhere might read it and know they are not alone. I feel such a sense of validation when I read something from someone who feels the same as I do. This blog isn't for attention or critiquing, as most will likely be written when things like grammar and story structure aren't focused on. It's purely to get the chaos out so, I can organize it.

I don't know who you are but if you're reading this far, please stay tuned if you want to say "Wow, that's exactly how I feel."

Do good.

[marvelsstyles]

My thoughts on Infinity War (spoilers)

Okay I've literally just gotten tumblr because i need to fangirl and no one i actually know will understand the hype i had (and continue to have even though i have seen it) for this movie. 

I’ve been looking forward to Infinity War ever since phase 3 was announced and i thought the day where i actually got to see it would never come. I have a crazy investment to these characters and to see them all together was truly phenomenal! Ten years of Marvel built to this movie and you could feel that when watching it. 

For me, Infinity War was everything I wanted and more. I went into it with hardly any expectations but a lot of speculations. What actually happened had me shook to the core. I sobbed so much to the point where after the movie my friends took the piss out of me for crying so much. It made me laugh very loudly. I was shaking and shivering the whole movie with anticipation and anxiety for what would happen next because at times i seriously didn't know. 

I saw Infinity War at 10am on April the 25th and then for a second time again at 10:15pm later that night and i still can't fully process it but here are my thoughts, feelings and opinions on INFINITY WAR: 

......

I don't think I'm going to be able to watch Thor Ragnarok the same ever again. Like this movie legit picks up straight after the wonderful happiness that is Thor 3 and just shits on that warm, light feeling you get in your chest when watching it

I didn't know Heimdall was in the movie so when i first him for a split second i was very excited and happy but then i realised he was going to die and began to get very emotional

Ebony Maw is reallyyyyy creepy

“We have a hulk” had me hollering!!!!!! This is a great call back to the first avengers but also an incredible moment for Loki’s character and development! Going from having that phrase being used by Tony as a threat towards him to Loki having full confidence Hulk has his back! god i love(d) a redeemed king

Thanos going full WWE on hulk oof

Thor and Loki’s relationship is beautifully tragic

Loki calling himself prince of Asgard and Odinson AHHHHHHHHHH :’(

“You will never be a god”

Thor crawling over to Loki’s dead body as this ship breaks apart broke me 

Thor deserves the world 

Bruce saying Thanos is coming sent shivers down my spine

Tony is so cute talking about having a baby stop

Tony literally carries the flip phone with steve’s number in it around!!!!!!!!!!

Even though Ned was on screen for two seconds he so precious! he better not have died 

Bruce not being able to turn into the hulk was great and tony telling wong to look after him

Tony was so fucking sassy omg and Strange was not having it

“Squidward” BITCH I CHOCKED AAHFUDFHAIWOEF

Tony and Peter fighting Cull Obsidian cracking jokes, having a lil convo like it was just another day, another problem 

Peter is so pure every time i saw him the second time i watched my stomach dropped 

Wong owning Cull Obsidian and transporting him!!

“Wong you’re invited to my wedding”

When peter pulled off his mask going up into space oof my boy looked so good in this movie

The iron spider suit is sooooooooooo cool holy shit

AND Stark’s nano iron man suit is wicked

So much happens in this movie i forget when what happens but lets talk about Wanda and Vision yo they're actually so frickin cute!!

Vision getting all nervous and stumbling over his words

“I feel you” :’(

I jumped when Vision was stabbed

Wanda is so powerful

WHEN STEVE CAME OUT OF THE SHADOWS OOOOOOOOOOOO I LOVE ONE (1) MAN!!!!!! THE WHOLE CINEMA GOT SO HYPED WHEN HE CAME

Nat is wonderful, the loml, she looks like a whole snacc

So happy to see Falcon back 

Love seeing the CA:WS trio back again they work so well together!

When i heard music playing i got so happy!! i knew the guardians were coming 

Gamora grooving and singing along god we didn't deserve her but she deserved better

Starmora was beautiful in this movie but once again totally fucking tragic 

Quill getting jealous over Thor

‘Rabbit” !!!!!!!!!!!

The Thor and Gamora moment was so pure god we really don't deserve them two

Every interaction between Thor and Peter Quill was hilarious 

Thor, Groot and Rocket: a trio I never knew i wanted

Again I have lost where we are but lets talk about Tony and Spidey god i love their relationship 

“Have you seen this really old movie Alien”

Again Ebony Maw is actually real scary (and very preachy) but lol when he died 

Strange saying he’ll sacrifice Tony and Peter to save the stone but later giving up the stone for tony 

Also quickly while Im on that if people are confused as to why he just gave up the stone this is my theory or what i took away from it so basically when Strange went forward in time and saw they could only win one way and then they fail, the next best scenario is not letting Tony or Nebula die because they're deaths would be useless. Thanos was always going to get all the stones and do the snap, killing half the universe but tony wasn't one of them so it would have been a useless death having tony die protecting the stone hence why Strange gave it up (sorry if this doesn't make sense, it does in my head aha)

Peter again just being pure and so happy when he finally becomes an avenger (which only lasts a day...)

Falcon asking where to go and Cap saying “home” :’)

Cap basically telling Ross to fuck off ooooooof go off 

Nat’s face lighting up when she sees Bruce (i don't ship it, i just love seeing nat happy)

Cap being a concerned smol bean who i love 

T’Challa!!!!!! He didn't have much screen time which is understandable since his movie legit just came out

The White Wolf i love it

Gamora’s flashback was so sad

It killed me when Gamora was asking Quill to kill her if Thanos took her and making him swear on his mother’s life

AND FINALLY THEIR KISS

DRAX THINKING HE’S INVISIBLE

I literally thought Gamora killed him for a second but i knew it was too good to be true

“You should have gone right”

God Chris Pratt’s acting killed me in this! It was phenomenal!!!! I seriously did not expect it from him! The pain he was able to show on his face when he was going to kill Gamora was gut wrenching 

It was great to see the reality stone used like that

THEIR I LOVE YOUS

AND GAMORA’S BREAKDOWN WHEN SHE THOUGHT SHE KILLED THANOS I WAS A MESS

Thor deserves the whole cosmos he has lost so much

Chris Hemsworth’s acting was amazing when he was having that convo with rocket

And seeing rocket act so compassionate and empathetically was wonderful 

TYRION

Gamora telling Thanos how much he made her hate her life AGAIN SHE DESERVED BETTERRRRRRR

NEBULA MY POOR BABY

Nebula and Gamora another beautifully tragic sibling relationship

Loved that the soul stone was somewhere new and not anything like what everyone was speculating 

Red skull i was shook!!! i knew he had been teleported somewhere and not dead!!!!

I SOBBED WHEN GAMORA WAS SACRIFICED SHE DESERVED BETTER 

ZOE IS ALSO AN AMAZING ACTRESS 

THE SCORE IN THE BACKGROUND

THE SCENE WAS TRAGIC AND SO UNSATISFYING GOD SHE DIDNT DESERVE TO DIE LIKE THAT AT THANOS BENEFIT GODDDDDD

“LITTLE ONE” I HATE HIM BUT HONESTLY THIS BROKE ME

The fight between part of the guardians and Tony, Spidey and Strange was AMAZING IT WAS SUPER SHORT BUT MADE SO GIDDY!!!! It reminded me of the airport scene in civil war!!!

“I’ll do YOU one better. Why is Gamora?”

“i can take it” “no he can't” i love drax

The banter was gold 

When Strange said there was one good outcome I flipped 

Cap and T’Challa’s relationship is so pure i love it

Okoye is my love

Rhodes pranking Bruce ahhh i love my pure children

Bucky and Cap!!!!!!

Shuri being the smartest bitch out!!!!!

“Vision get your ass back on that table”

M’Baku calling T’Challa his brother :’)

T’Challa, Cap and Nat pissing off the Black Order issa mood

The Wakanda battle was wicked

Thor swinging Rocket’s ship around and continuing to call him rabbit

Thor literally taking on the force and heat of a star 

Teen groot picking up the scorching hot Stormbreaker axe (lowkey making him worthy) and making Thor a handle and saving his life

When Thor, Rocket and Groot teleported to Earth i literally squealed!!! For me this was one of the best moments of the film!!! And then Thor just started whooping ass!!!! He truly is the strongest avenger, physically and psychologically. 

Thor and Cap’s little moment i love them 

“this is my friend tree” “i am groot” “i am steve rogers”

Wanda coming down and saving the day oooof

OKOYE, NAT AND WANDA THE TRIO I HAVE BEEN DREAMING OF

Bruce in the hulk buster suit was amazing and hilarious, okoye’s little side eye of judgement

I was so worried about Shuri when ugly (don't remember his name lol) came for vision

The fight on Titan against Thanos was spectacular and thrilling 

Spidey again so pure and innocent stop pls

My heart was racing, i was on the edge of my seat when they nearly got the gauntlet off his hand

AND THEN WHEN QUILL FOUND OUT ABOUT GAMORAS DEATH AND TONY WAS TRYING TO CALM HIM DOWN I WAS LITERALLY GOING INTO CARDIAC ARREST!!!! PETER’S FACE AHHHHHHHH 

Spidey being pure af and apologising for not remembering everyone’s name i can’t 

When tony was stabbed i thought this was it 

PETER’S FACE WHEN HE ASKED “DID WE JUST LOSE?”

“We are out of time”

Everyone lining up to fight Thanos and just getting defeated so easily

Wanda destroying the mind stone and killing vision had me a complete crying mess

“I feel you” and the “i love you”

CAP HOLDING THANOS OFF THEN GETTING KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT HAD ME SO SCARED FOR MY BOY BUT I KNEW HE DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH SCREEN TIME TO DIE

Wanda destroying the mind stone AND holding back thanks GOD SHE IS POWERFUL!!!!!!

When Thanos walked up to Wanda and started consoling her and calling her his child i thought he was going to take her and she was going to become the villain 

BUT THEN HE TURNED BACK TIME AND GOT THE STONE AND KILLED VISION AGAIN WHICH MEANT WANDA WAS PUT THROUGH ALL THAT PAIN FOR LITERALLY NOTHING AND AGAIN HAD TO SEE HIM DIE

HER “NO” WAS SO CHILLING

THORRRRRR OVERPOWERING THE FUCKING INFINITY GAUNTLET FULL OF ALL SIX INFINITY STONES AND FUCKING LODGING THAT AXE INTO THANOS’ CHEST

“I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO KILL YOU” 

WHEN THANOS STARTED SAYING YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE FOR THE HEAD I KNEW I JUST KNEW

SNAP

OOF

EVERYTHING after this moment was so hectic but so so so uncomfortably calm and eerie. No dramatic scores, no crazy reactions, the avengers literally react the same as we do

Baby Gamora :’((((

“What did it cost” “Everything”

“What have you done?”

The gauntlet busted and destroyed just like my mind

Cap being so utterly confused asking Thor where Thanos went pained me 

Bucky’s last words literally being “steve”, reaching out for him, collapsing, disappearing before steve’s eyes. Steve kneeling down placing his hand on where he was (i don't ship them romantically, their friendship is just so incredibly important and it killed me)

T’Challa fucking fading away i was shoooooooook and still crying and Okoye being so confused and concerned

Rocket having to watch his best friend Groot die again

FALCON!!!!!! 

WANDA LOOKED SO RELIEVED TO DIE SHE DESERVED BETTER

NAT RUNNING IN SO CONFUSED CAP SITTING NEXT TO VISIONS DEAD BODY

MANTIS DISAPPEARING AND DRAX DISAPPEARING CALLING OUT TO QUILL 

QUILL 

STRANGE JUST FADING AWAY

NOW THE PART THAT KILLED ME THE PART THAT TOM HOLLAND DESERVES A FUCKING OSCAR FOR THE PART THAT PROVES HE IS THE BEST SPIDERMAN (IMO) “TONY I DONT FEEL SO WELL” COLLAPSES INTO TONY’S ARM SAYING HE DOESNT WANT TO GO AND DOESNT WANT TO DIE TONY NOT BEING ABOUT TO DO ANYTHING TO SAVE THIS POOR KID PETER DYING TELLING TONY HE’S SORRY I CANT I CANT I CANT I WAS CRYING SO MUCH AND SO LOUD I HAD TO COVER MY MOUTH

NEBULA JUST LOOKING DEFEATED AS HELL “HE’S DONE IT”

TONY HOLDING HIMSELF AS HE HAS FACED HIS WORST FEAR EVERYONE DYING BUT HE IS STILL ALIVE AND HE THINKS IT HIS FAULT 

“OH GOD” SAME CAP SAME

THANOS SITTING DOWN WATCHING THE SUN RISE ON A ‘BALANCED’ UNIVERSE 

CUT TO BLACK, ROLL TO THE BLANDEST SADDEST CREDITS EVER WHICH NOW MATCHES MY MOOD (I'm not bagging out the credits i thought it was very effective for the movie)

POST CREDIT SCENE CAPTAIN MARVEL BITCHES HURRY UP BRIE LARSON 

Well that was it. This literally took me like 3+ hours to write and I'm not even finished. Before i go i want to talk about the main character

THANOS

IMO he is the best marvel villain ever. A thoroughly deep and complex character with a fleshed out motive and backstory. I understood him and for a slight millisecond felt a bit of sympathy for him. This was his story. The relationship between him and Gamora is so complex and compelling (and extremely toxic I'm so sad gamora had to be put through that). I understand he may be different from the comics but this version was great. From the very beginning we were shown just how powerful he is. Over this movie i actually believe he had a slight character development. BUT god do i fucking hate him he has killed and hurt all my faves! The purple grape ballsack can choke when hopefully Thor, Nebula and Tony get their revenge with a little help from Captain Marvel and the rest of the avengers. 

AND QUICKLY SUMMING UP MY FAVE PARTS

THE SNAP

Thor, Groot and Rocket landing on Earth

Cap coming out of the shadows

Guardians vs Avengers

Starmora kiss

Now to wait a whole god damn year until Avengers 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!