#I can't decide if I wanna make this rebloggable or not

[punkrockisafulltimejob]

Outside used to be my sanctuary. I would spend hours upon hours outside, reading and listening to music on my ancient USB flash drive and whatever crappy pair of dollar store earbuds I owned at the time. I devoured books like they were the only thing keeping me alive. I guess they were. I remember long days on the old porch swing. It was a fabric and metal thing, bought cheap from Walmart after the summer season was over. The cushion was rotted out from being left in the rain so many times, and the thing squeaked every time it moved. But it was my place. I'd bring my pillow off my bed and lay out there until the sun went down and it got too dark to read. It was the only place I wasn't bothered.

Then outside wasn't accessible anymore. I was getting older, and my responsibilities outnumbered my age. I would leave for school before the sun rose, which was so horribly painful. I couldn't see the sun when I needed her. When I came home the sun was there waiting for me, but I was forced inside. I was fifteen and taking care of my three younger siblings, cooking dinner, doing the laundry, helping everyone with homework before doing my own. Never a thank you, never a please, just take care of this for me so I can go to work. My mother slept the days so she could work the nights. My father laid in bed, only yelling out to us when we were getting to be too loud. He never mediated, he never separated us. Just screamed at us to stop. Stop what? Existing as children in a house with too many rules, too little parenting.

Days and days and days of taking care of everyone else. I was the oldest, so of course I was the one to step up. Or I supposed get yanked up the stairs from the basement into the kitchen, the living room, the rooms of my siblings, caring for all the little things. But god forbid I miss the big things. The trash was overflowing and it didn't get taken out. The dishwasher had pinged long ago that it needed to be emptied, the dryer has buzzed and the pot of water was overflowing. Why hadn't I attended to any of that yet? Because Silas was sobbing over math homework, Breanna was holed up in her room, Skylar was outside running around with the neighborhood kids.

The end of the day would come, and I would finally be in my room, the only place left that I could be myself. No door, just a curtain separating my space from the rest of the basement. So easy for sound to get through. So easy to hear and be heard everywhere, not a shred of privacy. I had my furniture, my clothes, little of which I had chosen for myself. The only say I had in my room was the shelves of books. Books upon books, taking up space, each a portal to a world where I could be free. As many as I had, as many I read, it was never enough to pull me away. Every so often, a yell would carry from the kitchen to my room, reminding me once more that there were things that needed to be done, chores and siblings and god knows what else I'm forgetting because I've longed for it to go away. Never ending.

It went from a book a week to a book a month, and eventually, a year to finish a trilogy. Reading my solace, my only peace, had left me. I didn't have time for that which I loved. I barely had time for me. I was working until I slept, drifting off on textbooks and papers because I was struggling so hard to keep up with everything else that something had to give. The little Dutch boy with his fingers in the dam had nothing on me. I was losing all sense of myself. Who am I if not a caregiver, a mediator, a crying shoulder and a pillar, nothing short of a miracle worker?

A victim of circumstance, a casualty of chance. Everything I ever loved ripped away from me. My room filled with water every time it rained, taking with it so many of those otherworldly portals that were all I had to call mine. The water receded and the trash bags returned, marking the next cycle of death, but no rebirth. Some things can never be replaced. Especially not when there was never enough money for the most basic of things. I looked forward to annual library purges, tag sales and boxes of "free, please take" books. Babysitting money went as far as I could stretch it, scouring for any title that matched my needs. New worlds to explore, familiar ones to revisit, if it sounded good I bought it. Stacks of books higher than my arms could carry, always rounded down by the librarians who knew me, letting me add a few more for free, because it makes no sense only taking the first half of a series. How long before the floodwaters took them too?

I long to display my books the way they deserve. Built in bookshelves around the fireplace, shelves a dark stained wood, the bricks a deep crimson, filled with words that carry you away to a world where you're free. There for any and all to take and read, at any time of day or night. It's never to early to get lost in a book, nor too late to fall deeper under their spells. Books shown care and tenderness and love, by showing their wear. Cracked spines and ripped pages and frayed bookmark ribbons and faded covers, everything proving that these books have been read, loved, and appreciated, innumerable times. Books that aren't just mine, but mine to share. To never again get mildewed in cold rising waters, to never again be thrown haphazardly in a plastic bag bound for the dump. To always be just within reach of any pair of hands, old and young. To be read over and over and over again...

Ten years later, I can see the sun again. She's there when I need her, but gives way to the clouds gathering above. The rain graces my face, reminding me again that I chose to be alive, that I chose myself for once. That I can finally feel at peace.

[charmixpower]

Wooooo!! Big project finished!!

Yay me 🥳🥳 I thought I take this time to ramble a bit about my thought process with my designs (⁠ㆁ⁠ω⁠ㆁ⁠) Mostly because I didn't wanna yell all over the other posts and make them less rebloggable 😆

Imma post my sketches as visual aid so I'm not just posting my art again (⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

Paper sketches:

This whole project was partly inspired by StellaSolaris each girl's worst trait post, that's been living in my head rent free forever now. Taking the girls worst traits and using them to make dark faries more dynamics instead of just evil™ was something I have been always wanted to do, mostly because using dark faries as a way to explore the girls personalities is something that speaks to me!! It's just such a fun concept so I had to run with it

I use the Believix aesthetics for Charmix, so all the dark faries are Believix adjacent an that was intentional because I felt like I could do more with the Believix aesthetic over magic winx

If you can't tell, I had a vision™ for Bloom, Stella, and Tecna, (especially Bloom, kid core, homecoming dress, I knew what I was going for) while Musa, Aisha, and Flora absolutely ate me alive in the design process. It was so hard to get any ideas for their outfits

I couldn't fit Musa's chain in T-T it looked too weird

Bloom:

Bloom was absolutely the easiest, her dress is cute, she's cuter

I went kidcore with her makeup, loved to add the burns, didn't like the belt, I just loved the baby doll aesthetic. Fit the vibe of unhinged naive magical girlie perfectly

Stella:

Stella's whole outfit was supposed to accentuate her attention seeking behavior but like...it's not really that provocative T-T Musa has her whole ass panties out in s1, this ain't shit, but please take pity on me I didn't want to push it any further

Note her hair is also supposed to be so excessively long and lose that it's a huge liability in combat but it's also just her Enchantix hair T-T she's making things so difficult

She's the one that looks the least crazy, she just looks like she's having a fashion day™ and wanted to be extra and not like...a manifestation of her worst vain and inattentive nature T-T

At least her outfit looks cool as fucking shit, like drop dead gorgeous if I do say so my self

The symbol found on the final version of her outfit is the symbol for platinum, if you were curious

Flora:

I wanted to go for rotting corpse being reclaimed by nature, moss eating her outfit, eyes sunken in, but I don't think it came across well. I added lilys bc they're funeral flowers :)

Trying to get an outfit to represent Flora's defensive personality without making the outfit too heavyweight and evening-gown like was hard but I like the aesthetic. Hopefully I get it next time

Tecna:

I decided to uncover Tecna's face because Tecna's traits are uncompromising and head strong, so leaving everything but her head uncovered was a fun little refrence to that being her leading trait

That is the mercury symbol on her head, which is the alchemchemic symbol for the mind. I think it was a cute reference but I decided not to keep

(It also represents passive femininity and Tecna as a non-binary transfem matches that as well which is funky and fresh)

Tecna's wings were a struggle but they turned out so sexi that I'm so so so happy with them. Tecna weird ass wings 4 life I love u bby girl

Musa:

The only thing I had in mind for this was "Musa has a mental break down" that's it. Designing a mental break down outfit for a transform without going full Harely Quinn was a fuckin difficulty. That pants and top combo was pried out of my references in blood, the stockings were easy tho. Nothing says mental break down like fighting in fucked up stockings, running make-up, and fucked up bangs

Ren's comment about Musa having a mental break down and chopping her hair into the Believix style inspired this look, it spoke to me. I needed to give Musa "showing up at your ex's door at 3am in the rain with a pair of scissors" chic XD

She looks so cool, but gosh those pants were hard to draw

Aisha:

I put Aisha in a power suit because stubborn reminds me of the time I refused to wear a dress to homecoming and my mom called me stubborn XD I think she looks good in it :)

I've always wanted to give Aisha amphibian traits over fish traits, so that the Sea Andros that's cold blooded and land Andros that is warm blooded both look water-y but in different ways and I think axolotls are cool so this was me just trying them out lol

The water damage was so damn hard to draw because how do you draw water damage?? It's like worn out clothes??? I tried my best (⁠*⁠´⁠ω⁠｀⁠*⁠) she looks super cool tho