#I can barely hold a characterisation together while writing fic cause I don't know how to know someone!
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I'll be fine and then I'll make any attempt at genuine connection and run headlong into a fucking wall
#just a ramble I needed to expel to get on with my evening take no note of this#I've lived under this roof with the same people all my life#they want to understand me and I want to make myself understood#and yet it never fucking works#cause I'm doing fine inside and the world is doing fine outside but I have no idea how to make the two meaningfully connect#I don't know anyone and no one knows me#I can barely hold a characterisation together while writing fic cause I don't know how to know someone!#and I'm fucking sick of it!#there.#coming out as queer is whatever to me#coming out as a friendless unworldly loser feels like putting a knife through my fucking chest#cause there is no established narrative for that process. people have no idea what that means or how to respond#me included#when I say I haven't aged socially since I was 14 and probably regressed a fair bit since then too I mean it#covid was a fucking relief cause finally the world at large was a little bit more like me#the void shrank by a fraction#but I'm falling behind again and I HATE it!!#but like. it's no one else's problem and by its very nature only I can solve it#at least I'm doing marginally better now than a year ago. so there's that#maddie debrief#and online I can pick my moments of existing and connecting#but real life is just relentless
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