#I am going to tell these kids I'm proud of them and celebrate every verse they learn every question they answer

[asinglesock]

the Bible Quizzing kickoff went pretty well. I continue to feel very adultish today—maybe it's that I actually got called a coach, or that it all came back to me when they asked about how I studied and I just remembered. I don't recognize the confident person who talked for 15 minutes without stammering. The head coach's family is out of town for the next couple weeks so I'm going to be leading the first practice session. I want to start out by making sure everyone knows how to memorize verses, and has a plan if they need another person to help them regularly.

I don't know how to describe what's happening in my brain except to say that it feels like I have some that was missing—I don't know if it's something I lost or if I never had it in the first place—and having it is just profoundly right somehow

and it feels a lot like I could be a teacher!

[enortonauthor]

A new home & a new blog feature

Welcome to my new little corner of the internet where hashtags make the content discoverable by more people!

The old blog is still around (link here) so you can read old posts and enjoy all the poetic goodness there, but henceforth, this will be my home for Poetry Friday and publishing news.

Along with a new blogging home, I’m introducing a new feature on the blog: Creator’s Corner!

Every month or so I’ll be featuring another creator who will tell us about the stories they create and their creative process and I'm excited to launch this series featuring author Diana Renn. You might remember the first book in Diana's Backyard Rangers series The Trouble at Turtle Pond, which featured a group of middle school kids working to save endangered turtles in their neighborhood. This time it's owls that need help from Miles and the Backyard Rangers in The Owl Prowl Mystery. I'm excited to introduce you to this new instalment in the Backyard Rangers series, and to feature Diana in the Creator's Corner!

Diana, what do you create?

I'm mostly a mystery writer. I started out writing international mysteries featuring globetrotting teen sleuth, and now I'm writing a series of four eco-mysteries for middle grade readers, featuring an intrepid team of self-appointed young wildlife rangers called the "Backyard Rangers." TROUBLE AT TURTLE POND (book 1) focused on wildlife crimes impacting endangered freshwater turtles in Massachusetts. THE OWL PROWL MYSTERY (book 2) is about some unethical birdwatchers, a celebrity owl, and some wildlife photographers who might do anything to get the perfect shot. (Up next: foxes, frogs and salamanders!) I love writing about nature and about neurodiverse kids. I also write and publish creative nonfiction essays for adults, mostly on issues related to the natural world and conservation. I enjoy verse as well and have a couple of novel in verse manuscripts in various stages.

What inspires you to create?

Travel and close-to-home adventures on unfamiliar routes. Moving. Anytime I can explore a new environment, or take a new route somewhere, I find myself thinking about "home" with fresh perspective. New ideas bubble up. Story problems I've wrestled with start to resolve. New connections between ideas appear. Just being out in the world and paying attention to people, places, nature, animals feels like dipping my paintbrush into paint. I quickly zero in on things that interest me. I rarely get fresh inspiration just sitting at my desk.

What is your creative process?

I spend a while gathering ideas and resources if I'm writing a book. This process might take months. I jot down ideas - maybe first by dictation on my phone, on walks - and if they start to accumulate and I see the shape of a book, I shift to a notebook. Often I go back and forth between phone dictation to capture ideas and then exploring those ideas more fully in the notebook. When I know the premise, the main characters, the crime basics (if it's a mystery) and can envision the opening scenes, I open up a Word doc (old school!) and start writing. I outline a bit, but leave myself room to discover. I take stock every 30-40 pages and let myself revise a little and chart out the next few chapters. I am not a rigid outliner, but I need a sense of direction and upcoming scenes. I share early drafts with trusted critique partners and revise a little as I go. When I reach the end of a draft, I do two or three big revisions, and subsequent editorial passes. My trusted critique partners help me from going off the rails and generally don't let me give up. It's a long process, which is why I like taking breaks to write essays; essays come to me very quickly, sometimes in just one sitting, with very little planning and minimal revising.

Tell us about one of your creations.

I feel especially proud of THE OWL PROWL MYSTERY not only because I've always loved owls and care deeply about them, but because this book comes out of a lot of community connections I have made, from birders in my neighborhood, to bird photographers and rehabbers who corrected my errors and gave me ideas, to wildlife biologists who let me shadow them out in the field. I'm proud of the real science and the real conservation issues underlying what I hope is a fun, page-turning mystery. I learned how to be a neighbor to birds in the process of researching and writing this book, and I hope readers will pick up a few tips as well. But as I wrote the acknowledgments section of this novel, I had the opportunity to reflect, in awe, how many people impacted the writing of that book, and how writing science-based novels involves so much creative collaboration. I could never have written it all on my own; consulting experts and sharing my work at earlier stages in the process than I ever did before is now integral to my creative process.

Where do you create?

I am very lucky to have a home office space, which is where I do a lot of my revising and editing. It's also where I do my day job work, so I like to change scenes when I'm in early planning and drafting stages of a project. Sometimes I write outside, in my son's old treehouse or in a folding chair in the driveway. Often I write on the go, walking my dog and talking into my phone. I'm protective of my ideas and strive to capture them as soon as they come. That said, writing outdoors -- even though it's a source of inspiration for me --- is sometimes overrated. Lots of distractions can interfere. (Weather! Bugs!)

If you could have a beverage of your choice with another creator, who would you choose, what would you drink, and what would you like to talk about with them?

I always love talking shop with other writers. If time travel is an option, I would go back to the late 1920s or early 1930s, to the Pera Palace Hotel in Istanbul, Room 411, and have a very rich cup of espresso with Agatha Christie. I would, of course, choose a time after which she had finished writing Murder on the Orient Express, so as not to be a distraction. I'd be tempted to ask her about her mysterious 11-day disappearance, but maybe instead we'd just talk shop, over our coffee. I'd like to know all about her process, and where she found all her ideas, and how she worked out her plots.

Thank you Diana for giving us a glimpse into your creative life!

Diana Renn is the author of the middle grade eco-mysteries TROUBLE AT TURTLE POND (Fitzroy Books / Regal House 2022) and its sequel, THE OWL PROWL MYSTERY (out August 13, 2024). TROUBLE AT TURTLE POND was named a 2023 Green Earth Book Awards Honor Book and a Massachusetts Book Award "Must Read." Diana has also written three YA mysteries: TOKYO HEIST, LATITUDE ZERO, and BLUE VOYAGE (all published by Viking / Penguin Random House). She has also worked in educational publishing and taught ESOL, writing, and literature; she now works as a freelance editor and a book coach specializing in mystery. Originally from Seattle, Washington, she now lives in Concord, Massachusetts in a neighborhood she shares with turtles and owls, some of whom have inspired her books. Visit her online at http://dianarennbooks.com and on Instagram at @dianarennbooks; you can also read and subscribe to her free newsletter, Mysteries That Matter, at https://dianarenn.substack.com.

Poetry Friday

This second instalment of the Backyard Rangers series, like the first, has many of my favorite themes: nature, mysteries, and authentic, inclusive portrayals of neurodiverse characters (in this case, ADHD). This is a great series for the middle grader in your life who identifies with any (or all!) of those things! On this Poetry Friday, after hearing about Diana's new book, it's the perfect time to revisit this poem from my Spooktober series of poems in 2021.

Our Poetry Friday host this week is Janice Scully at Salt City Verse. Fly on over to her corner of the internet to find links to much more poetic goodness!

[traincat]

not to be a big bitter bitch but like, i'm seeing a bunch of articles about tom holland being "open" to the idea of spider-man being gay, and comparing that to that recent travesty of an interview, it just feels.... hollow. like, we can imagine him being gay but not jewish? really?

also obviously no one has a monopoly on the idea but Andrew Garfield Did It First Y'all

I was on mobile the past two days and wanted to wait until I wasn’t tapping out replies on my phone, but in a word: yeah. I’m going to sum up why I personally feel Tom Holland’s comment on the possibility of a gay Spider-Man is different than Andrew Garfield’s, starting with the context of the given quotes.

First off, literally all Tom Holland said was that “of course” he would be okay with a gay Spider-Man when he was asked about it. He went on to elaborate a little bit, and the whole thing is very diplomatic and more than a little vague: 

“I can’t talk about the future of the character because honestly I don’t know and it’s out of my hands. But I do know a lot about the future of Marvel, and they are going to be representing lots of different people in the next few years.”

This, to me, seems like a careful and diplomatic response to the question given the massive backlash the MCU has gotten over its lack of representation, particularly the Endgame “gay Joe Russo” debacle and the cutting of Tessa Thompson’s bisexual Valkyrie scene, and also in response to the discussion that the Andrew Garfield controversy generated. I can’t say for certain whether or not this question would be asked if Andrew Garfield hadn’t so vocally spoken out in favor of exploring Peter Parker’s sexuality in film – and then gotten so much backlash both from fans, and, he’s since revealed, push back from the studio – but I do think it’s less likely it would have come up.

Let me be totally clear: I think this comment from Tom Holland is nice. It’s well-spoken, polite, and it’s good that he’s publicly supportive of the idea. But also, despite what a lot of his fans like to think, Tom Holland is not “just a kid” – he is a 23-year-old professional actor, and this is not his first press tour. “Tom Holland Says Spider-Man Can’t Be Gay” is a PR nightmare. So faced with this question, this was about the only answer he could give without more massive backlash against the MCU for its lack of representation 20+ films in. So it’s nice. It’s well-worded. Hopefully it means something to kids who are only familiar with this actor’s iteration of Spider-Man who want to see themselves represented on screen. I’m not putting Tom Holland down as a person or a public figure here, but I am saying this is nothing to write home about compared to some other attempts to drum up representation by even other MCU actors. This kind of reply should be the minimum people should expect from someone in the public eye in 2019.

Again, let me stress the point that this question was put to Tom Holland in an interview. Andrew Garfield brought this up on his own to producers, director Marc Webb, and to Entertainment Weekly. 

“I was kind of joking, but kind of not joking about MJ,” he tells EW. “And I was like, ‘What if MJ is a dude?’ Why can’t we discover that Peter is exploring his sexuality?  It’s hardly even groundbreaking!…So why can’t he be gay? Why can’t he be into boys?”

(He also wanted Michael B. Jordan to play his love interest in the third film and every day I think about this and how my Spideytorch beliefs are validated by the universe.)

Much like Andrew Garfield’s comments on Spider-Man being Jewish (more on that in a minute), there’s no evidence that anyone asked him these questions so much as he just went off on his own – and got a lot of backlash for them:

“I worked harder than I’ve ever worked on anything and I’m really proud of it,” he says, “but I didn’t feel represented. There was an interview I gave where I said, ‘Why can’t Peter explore his bisexuality in his next film? Why can’t [his girlfriend] MJ be a guy?’ I was then put under a lot of pressure to retract that and apologise for saying something that is a legitimate thing to think and feel. So I said, ‘OK, so you want me to make sure that we get the bigots and the homophobes to buy their tickets?’” 

It’s unlikely Tom Holland is going to face that kind of studio backlash for his comments, because he didn’t make them out of nowhere – he responded politely, positively, and just a tad evasively (”it’s out of my hands”) to a question that was put to him. He didn’t come out swinging, and in light of the backlash against the MCU and Andrew Garfield’s honestly about the pressure he was put under to apologize for his own opinions, it’s pretty unlikely Marvel Studios wants to look bad by making their bright-eyed star go back on the record all, “no, sorry, no gay Spider-Man here, I thought you said DAY Spider-Man.” And we at the very least partially have Andrew Garfield being honest and vocal, both about his vision for a canonically bisexual Peter Parker who is allowed to explore that on film and about the pressure he was put under to apologize following those comments, to thank for that, so it feels inappropriate in light of that to celebrate Tom Holland’s comment without at least mentioning Andrew Garfield no matter how one personally feels about either film franchise. It’s definitely weird to take memes like this one and paste Tom Holland’s name over it in light of the fact that he’s received maybe a teeny tiny fraction of the backlash Andrew Garfield got, if that. I don’t, for the record, believe the theory that The Amazing Spider-Man franchise was canceled solely because of Andrew Garfield’s above comments – the Sony leaks were kind of a big deal, and TASM2 didn’t perform as well as desired at the box office, so Marvel Studios was prime to swoop in with their deal  – but even just in terms of making jokes, it’s a bit in bad taste when Tom Holland definitely isn’t getting fired over this one.

And again, the sentiment that Tom Holland would be okay with a gay Spider-Man is nice, I’m not saying it’s not, and it’s good that he voiced his support, but it is the bare minimum, and when he was blindsided by the idea of a Jewish Spider-Man in a Wired video, he was visibly confused, said, “I don’t think he is,” and never voiced his support for that idea or for more Jewish representation in superhero films, Spider-Man or not. Leaving aside the fact that Spider-Man was created by a Jewish man, that Andrew Garfield was also very vocal about recognizing his own Jewish heritage and identity within the character, and that in Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse Peter B. Parker has Jewish wedding on screen, and so the only way Tom Holland could not have considered this possibility is if he read literally no widely circulated press about other iterations of the character he plays ever, it was a bad look. It would have been easy to say “I didn’t consider that before but now I will,” or something along those lines. (I have a longer post about that and why the problem isn’t a lack of knowledge of Spider-Man’s Jewish history but a lack of consideration of it here.) But he didn’t. So some forms of representation for Spider-Man  are okay, but others haven’t merited the time it takes to think about or a polite and considerate reply. Got it.

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Ro

Surprisingly productive argument/turned actual conversation, about Drew, Ro’s self-loathing, sister issues and their parents/going to London soul-searching.

Bea: Back with him then? I thought you'd learned your lesson (finally) last time...Well? Ro joined the chat 3 hours ago Ro: Yes, it was rather unexpected, and sudden I suppose, hence I didn't get a chance to let you know individually Ro: Well, actually I have learned a lot. As has Drew. Bea: That's always good, rushing into commitments, being at his beck and call... Bea: And obviously he has, how else would he deceive you, again. Got to have new tricks. For goodness sake! Bea: What does he actually do with his time, Ro? What do you think? He isn't in Schooling, fine, but where's his REAL job? Bea: What are you getting out of this? Except heart-ache and being made to look a fool at the end of it, every month or so Bea: I thought you were in a good place? Ro: That isn't at all what I meant. There was a lot going on with my birthday celebrations and everything as you yourself know. Ro: Oh Bea that's just uncalled for! He's changed and with is finally being more truthful with me. Ro: I thought you, out of everyone, would understand standing on your own two feet and making a living for yourself your own way. He didn't enjoy school but he's using the skills he has to support himself Ro: What is so wrong with that? Ro: I am in a good place now. With him. He loves me. What more could there be to get 'out of it' Bea: Wait, he didn't try all this AFTER you read the letter, did he? Bea: It's always an emotional time for you, regardless if it was before or after anyway; it's wrong for him to exploit that for his own gain Bea: No, he hasn't! If he had, he'd leave you alone, or at least let you come back to him. He hasn't changed at all. Bea: So tell me what he does, if it's so admirable, tell me right now what you think he does, what has him out all the odd hours Bea: I, out of everyone, know where dealing in the things he does, can get you. You don't remember what it was like for Tess and Fearghal back then, you were too young, but they've told enough war stories for you to know better! I know you do, so why are you choosing to ignore what you know to be true for his sake? Bea: He isn't worth it. For God's sake, being associated with him could risk your career before its even began. Is that what you want? Think on! Bea: Oh, Ro. There is so much more than those words, even when they're not empty. Ro: Why must you take something so nice and twist it into something HORRIBLE! I hadn't even opened your gift when Drew and I reconciled. Mum and dad have nothing to do with this and he would never do anything to involve them after everything he has been through with his own family. Ro: You don't know anything about him. Or us. You barely know me. Ro: He does all kinds of things, odd jobs, fetching and carrying for people that sort of thing. I didn't need all the ins and outs because I trust him and honestly it hardly matters if you don't. Ro: I've also been told enough stories to understand that people deserve second chances, as have you. He isn't as lucky as I was. He remembers every struggle before Caleb's family took him in and he does what he has to do to make sure he and Meena will have a future whatever happens next. I can't blame him for that and you shouldn't. Self reliance is the opposite of a risk and I'm proud and lucky to know him, thank you very much. Ro: You clearly have no idea what he's worth so you'll excuse me if I don't bow to your 'wisdom' on the subject. Ro: Besides, it's my career. Not yours. You've made your own choices why can't you let me make mine? Ro: How can you say that Bea! You live by them. Fraze is everything to you and you've never listened to a word against him, have you? Bea: You're just seeing it as it actually was, and not through rose-tinted fairyland glasses. Bea: I know enough. More than you, as you continue to choose ignorance over swallowing the bitter pill and moving the fuck on. Bea: And there is no 'us' as in 'you and him'. There never will be because that is not what he wants from you. Bea: You are ridiculous. This is not 1950s America in a cheesy movie...He isn't a fucking boy scout doing bob-a-job. Listen to how stupid you sound, for what? He doesn't defend you, or do anything that inconveniences him, in fact, for you. Its one-sided and unfair and you deserve better, I know you think otherwise, and that you won't get better but its true, and possible. Bea: Boo fucking hoo. He doesn't get to use his sad backstory to be a criminal. All that will happen is that he'll end up in jail, leaving his wittle sister alone. And Meena will be just fine without him, because she's got a fucking brain in her head. God, I wish I could say the same for you. Bea: I don't care to know any more about him that is plainly evident for all to see. You're not going to get a doctorate for giving a shit about him. He isn't special. He's not intriguing. He's a waste of your time and energies. Bea: Don't even bother going to Cambridge if you're going to throw it all away on him. Save the country the debt, get yourself knocked up now and waste away waiting for him to love you back. Bea: Because we have common interests, goals, and you know, we make each other's lives better by being in them? And we've always both been willing to put our money where our mouth is, in terms of love and working together to get what we want and need. So please, don't ever try and compare this teenage infatuation of yours to my relationship with Fraze again, it is just laughable in the saddest way. Ro: Stop. You don't know half as much as you think you do and frankly what information you're working with isn't correct anymore if it ever has been. You're the one being ridiculous, not me. Ro: Not to mention judgmental! You don't get to tell him how to act or what his future may or may not be because you aren't a monopoly on tragedy. Ro: I wish you'd stop pretending to have any stake in my own future either. It isn't so and I'm not going to do as you say just because you say it. Not that it's any of your business but getting pregnant is the last thing I intend to do but if I did it has nothing to do with you and there is no reason I'd have to choose regardless. You didn't and Ali isn't. Ro: I've already told you he does love me and he does make my life better but since you clearly need to hear it, we also have plenty of things in common. Bea: No, I won't. Because someone needs to tell you, and it will go in. And one day, you will see sense. Bea: Yeah my judgment is the least of his worries, try the judgment of the fucking law because did you forget, its illegal? Bea: He's a moron, everyone in Dublin knows he's dealing, he'll be lucky if the police find him before rivals do and break his fucking kneecaps. Bea: I do, I'm your sister, you don't have to like it for it to be reality, you can't write me out of your fucking fairytale, Ro. And if you want anything to do with your niece or nephew, I'd reconsider the path you're going down because fat chance I'm letting them near that scum, or near you when you're behaving so irrationally. Bea: All you have in common is co-dependency on toxicity and fucking up your lives and your poor attempt at trauma-bonding. What fun! Ro: We're sisters when it suits you, Bea. I'd be surprised you have time for this conversation except I'm well versed in the fact that you live to berate me. I thought things were getting better between us but apparently I'm wrong about that above all. Since we've come to what is really, and consistently, the heart of the issue once again, I won't try and change your mind or apologise, once more, for not being good enough for you. I'd hate to sound even more like an irrational teenager when you read back this conversation to bask in your superiority. Ro: What's fun are these constant fights and reminders of what a failure you believe I am. Ro: If you don't want me around Nancy and Buster then fine, they are your children. I don't feel the need to tell you what to do or you're doing wrong. Bea: So you want me to leave you alone? But are also so sad about the fact I'm never there for you? Sounds like someone's confused! Unsurprising when you believe lies and won't see or hear anything real. Bea: And I haven't berated you, I've berated him; you are not one. Which is the real heart of the issue, you taking responsibility for and internalising all his bullshit. Bea: And I have bad news for you on that front, except you sound like what you are, a child. Bea: I've never been ashamed of you. Until now. Bea: You won't be in and out of their life when it suits you, just an Auntie when he leaves you, AGAIN. So, you've made your choice. I sincerely hope you can live with it. Goodbye, and good luck, Ro. Ro: I must take after you what with you contradicting yourself so heavily. If Drew and I aren't one, as you're so keen to stress then why are you so quick to try and tell me that I'm not separate from his choices or mistakes. Ro: Sadly you're too late as well because I'm not a child anymore. However my relationship continues or ends I'm living my own life. I didn't expect to have to do so without you but I fine. Ro: As for the kids, I wouldn't do that when I know how much it hurts. Ro: For the record though, this is the choice you made. It's been forced upon me but I guess I will have to live with it all the same. Bea: No, Ro. You chose to make the wrong decision. Bea: You love getting a chance to be the victim. Well, be his victim. But you're not mine, you did this to yourself, I gave you the choice. Ro: There shouldn't have even been a decision to be made but you need me to be wrong so badly don't you? In every way you can. Forgive me for being sick of it. Ro: No Bea, you love me to be a victim so you can heap your scorn on me. It's not the same thing. Just like a choice isn't the same as a ultimatum which is what you've thrown at me. Bea: No, I need you to fucking love yourself! Maybe you're sick of feeling wrong, feeling like you're never enough. That is coming from you and you alone, so don't you dare try to push your self-loathing onto me and say that's how I feel about you, because it isn't, never has been, and it never will be. I love you. Bea: I pity you, it hurts you like scorn because you've still got an ounce of pride left in you somewhere. I'm just asking you, begging you, to hold onto it and make use of it. Ro: Then just love me! Let me be happy without trying to ruin it and be cruel all the time. That hurts me and it does, and is, coming from you. I can't keep having the same fight with you. It's more exhausting than anything Drew's done. Pity me for saying so if you want. I can't control that either. Bea: If I have to be cruel to be kind, then that's the role I have to play. I hardly enjoy it, it hurts me too, Ro! But I'm not going to lie to you, to pretend something is okay when it isn't, just because that's what feels best to you at the time. Because its not going to feel good when you look back, for me or for you. I'm not prepared to wrap you in cotton wool. You're an adult now? Then I'm treating you like it, no coddling. Ro: But you don't have to! You don't have to like him but why can't you accept that I do? I love him. Why can't that just be okay? Nobody else is lying or pretending, I mean look at Tess, but she's not being like this. Like you. Ro: You're my sister but you don't have to be anything to him, I'm not asking for that. We aren't married, Bea. Bea: Because I AM your sister! They're all family, but they're not; there are boundaries. And Tess is a parental figure, parents let you make your own mistakes. But I am your sister and I happen to think you've made the same mistake enough times now. There's nothing more to learn from this, from him. Nothing of worth for you and your personal growth. Bea: But I know you're not going to stop, so, there we go. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try, it will help one day. Ro: But maybe it isn't a mistake this time. Or maybe I am just tired of always having to think in terms of what I can learn or take and want to just have what he can give me... Ro: why can't this be worth a try? Bea: Because you're worth more than just taking what you can get from someone who isn't giving enough, nevermind their all. Ro: You're just saying that because you don't like him. Bea: No, Ro, I am not. And you know that. Ro: I know I'm not you. Or Ali. And I know what people say about me. Why they bully me. I'm not stupid. Bea: You're socially awkward, that's all. People with competent enough social skills themselves can easily get past that. And you're clever, all that just combines to make people feel insecure so they project that onto you, make you feel the same. Bea: Its not as if I had any real friends at School either. There's a whole world out there, Ro. Filled with people who will like and love you, will get you. Bea: And you have Ali, and Meena, don't you? Ro: No you're clever, I just work hard. Try harder. Ro: You don't get it, he's not the one who's wrong, I am. Ro: He loves me, why can't I have that? Ro: And yes, of course, but it's not the same Bea: But what's not admirable about that? Being 'clever' innately (which in School just means having a decent store and recall memory to pass tests) isn't anything to shout about particularly, but putting in the work is. Bea: What's wrong with you? Different is not wrong. They're all the same, it makes it feel wrong to be different, but do you want to be like all the other girls in your School, really? Bea: You're better. Bea: Don't make me say it, Ro... Ro: In theory yes but in practice it's simply exhausting and frustrating and anything other than admirable. Or likable. Ro: I just don't want to be this. It isn't about comparison Ro: He makes me happy that's all. Bea: It feels like it when you're there, but School isn't a popularity contest. Its to get you to where the fuck you actually WANT to be, that's all. You don't want the only place you ever wanna be to be the School playground 'cos you've peaked, 'cos you're leaving in a year's time and there is no going back. Bea: You're going to have a life that is more than just nostalgia Bea: That's all this is, that's all I'm trying to prevent here, don't fall into the trap, okay? Ro: I know that. Ro: But this isn't just nostalgia though, I know that as well. Bea: Okay, but one day it will be, and I want you to be able to look back at this time with more than just regret Ro: And I want a chance to be in the moment, for once, instead of constantly looking back or worrying about the future Bea: Then go for it, like I said. But 'living in the moment' doesn't magically absolve you of making choices that will affect your present, your future, and how you look back on it as the past one day. You can not think too much about it when you're in it, sure. But you will have to live it and re-live it. That's just life, baby sister. I know it better than most. Ro: Okay, so what you have me do, leave him because of how he might behave and how he has in the past, in spite of his apologies for it? That isn't right. Bea: The past has a habit of not staying in the past...It creeps up on you, and on him, no doubt, old habits dying hard. If you can live with how he treated you, how everyone knows he treated you, the cheating and lying and just cruelty, he threw your way- then, well, I can't stop you. I wasn't trying to, I was only ever telling you how it is, how I see things. Bea: Is sorry enough? Because you know, it can't fix everything, don't you? Ro: I have to believe it can Bea: Then...I wish you luck. Ro: Is that all? You don't hate me again, do you? Bea: I never hated you, Ro, and I don't Ro: I hope so. I'd like to come and see you. I've been thinking about the woman that wrote you the letter a lot and was wondering if I should send her one back or something. Bea: You could- Or we could go visit her, she did offer Bea: I have been pondering what to do too Ro: Oh, that's an even better idea, if a scarier one.... Bea: Yeah Bea: We'll be okay. I'm certain she's legitimate, as in she was a true friend, not just someone who went to the same School and had a vague recollection and some old photos. I did a lot of digging before I reached out and she'd done Facebook posts on mum's Birthday, and the anniversary of the crash, year upon year, and she had more photos on their too. Bea: She could probably give us a real sense of who they were, and the area, she's still there...Its not somewhere in London I'd been previously and I haven't gone without you Ro: I don't doubt that or you, it's just...what if I'm not how she expects. Ro: The whole thing could be a huge disappointment Bea: It's not an audition. We're their daughters and that isn't up for debate, nor judgment. Who would she be to do that? Not that she sounds like that but you know, fuck anyone who would, they don't know us, what we've been through. Bea: It could be, yeah, but we've not got anything to lose, have we? Ro: You're right. Okay let's do it. When? Bea: Well, its a pretty good season to do it in, I think. Goodwill, being with new friends, reminiscing on old, reaching out to your fellow man and all that. We can get her something, to say thank you... Your last day is the 21st, right? So, if we do Sat 22nd, you can come back to Cambs with me for the Sunday and we'll all go back to Dublin together on the Monday, for Christmas Eve. Bea: Is that too soon for you? Its a few weeks but if you need longer, we can do it AFTER Christmas. I just think the festive season is as good an excuse as any, it'll make us all for more comfortable, I feel. Ro: No no I agree. That's a perfect time. Bea: I'll talk to Tess but I know she'll be fine. Bea: I'm really looking forward to this Ro: Anything to distract her from it being Caleb's family's turn to have Ali and the kids for Christmas, bless her. Ro: Me too. Thanks again, Bea. I know I've said it a hundred times already but Bea: Oh dear, I better catch up with her so she can rant, save your ears from it for the hundredth time, especially Ferghal's! Bea: Its okay, hopefully we'll get even more from this visit, fill in the blanks once and for all Ro: I really hope so, yes. Bea: I better get on, lots to do. We'll talk soon. x Ro: Okay. Kiss the twins for me 💕 Bea: Will do 💞