#I am a strict 'if I dont find myself using it often.. I dont need it' type of person usually with spending on things -ymir

[thatskynews]

Hello! I hope this ask finds you both well.

So, I mostly wanted to ask, what is you two's opinion on sky making most items iap lately? There's been very few igc stuff since some seasons ago and it's been disheartening for a lot of players. I don't see tgc acknowledge this in any way (if they did, you can show me, i often get things wrong)

Anxy: Thanks, I hate it (*hides the money reserved for said items*)

But I agree. It was actually one of the complaints that I wrote in the survey. Sky is getting more and more expensive and it's not looking good in the long run. I only convinced myself that this is better, buying something that you will get with 100% certainty, than wasting my money over gacha with little probability (*also hides the money reserved for genshin's welkin*)

Ymir: I also hate it! I understand why they do it, but I... hate spending more money on games than I need to. The last time I bought anything from sky was the little prince pass I think, and even then I was barely getting by.

Sky's current model is off of probably a push from investors ngl? but also just sucks for most people since they are leaning into pushing for people to either candlerun burnout orrrrr buying the candles straight up. I've used up many candles over the years on friends! I was a social little guy when I was most into sky!!

honestly the price going up pattern has been fairly steady since prophecy(as much as I hate to say it :( ) and I doubt it shall go fix itself entirely anytime soon... but I do miss the ability to just get everything I need in the seasons with weeks to spare... and the inbetweens being fairly long (I think they used to be about.. nearly 3 weeks?). I'm hoping TGC changes things around- I remembered when the iap having only one item without any other rewards deal first occurred and how upset everyone got. I love sky, but I can not deny the fact it has negatively affected me multiple times because of this specifically :(

I typically do complain to tgc when given the chance though, because of these changes are the reason I didn't play sky for nearly a year straight... and why I still struggle to actively play as much as I did.

[mariamlovesyou]

salam. i hope you are holding up ok w everything that is going on. i wanted to ask how you deal w being muslim and gay? i don't know anybody like me so it feels like i am a lonely unicorn. feel alienated by both my own community and the LGBT (i live in the west). i feel angry, lost etc. at both communities and i am often reluctant to practice my religion when i hear homophobic remarks etc. somehow i am too resigned to pray and then that feeling goes away and i go back to worshipping, esp when in crisis. i want to wear hijab as well but i realize that's only a response to my anger at westerners and one of the reasons i do not wear hijab is obv to avoid discrimination (i'm passing) in the professional field & also bc i think no gay woman will like me if i wear it. sorry if this question is too much, you don't have to answer, but if you have any experience or advice to share i would be grateful. thank you ❤️

hi angel .. im sorry for the late reply i had to run to an inspection when i got this i really hope u see it even though i dont know that i can offer much i just want to say im here for u.

i hope u are okay, the world is shaky and scary. im really happy u reached out to me and i think if u take anything from this it’s that reaching out is the first step. i wouldn’t say im at all entrenched in any community or fully at peace w who i am, that’s lifelong work, but it does get easier and sometimes u find little blessings in the people who show up. i feel the exact same way you do rn - alienated, angry, lost, at a crossroads. i often feel there’s no space for me anywhere and many lgbt muslims/religious gays in general feel the same especially when we’re young. i’ve also experienced periods where my faith slipped and i felt too defeated and betrayed to practice my religion fully or even in the smallest most private ways (until a few days ago i had not prayed for months since some very distressing things happened to me) but i always find myself coming back to it bc for me personally islam brings me immense comfort and grounds me, even or maybe especially after long periods of not being a “good muslim”. religion is a deeply personal thing no matter what everyone has told and will keep trying to tell u. the question is does it soothe you? does it bring you peace and comfort? away from everyone else’s eyes, do you feel connected to something higher when you take the time to do these designated rituals? i really think that’s the only thing that matters. and you might not have an answer for that rn or for a long time and that’s ok too, no one has everything figured out. stay away as much as you can from ppl u aren’t forced to be around who try to tell you how to be lgbt how to be muslim how you can’t be both etc. they’re just parroting what they think to be true and they don’t realise how draining it can be for others. protect yourself and listen to yourself. be careful what u share with whom. those r the biggest lessons i’ve learned and the only thing that’s helped make the burden feel lighter is finding other people like you and trust me when i tell u they exist!!! u just have to be a little braver and more intentional in seeking them out, if u can do so safely, bc like you they probably feel that they are alone and there’s no one else who will understand. (and when u find them, hear them out, share a little bit, but remember they are there for a sense of shared community, a delicate connection, not as a strict guide on how YOU need to be; only you decide that and that becomes easier w time)

now depending on where u are it may not be feasible to do so - i spent most of my life as an immigrant in qatar, a very small country w a death penalty or best case scenario deportation “solution” for people like us, where the idea of finding community was not only unthinkable but also seemed straight up ridiculous to me. i never tried looking, i wouldnt encourage doing so if ur in a western country that is similarly rigid unless u know what ur doing and have a support network. in this case all i can recommend is to reach out to organisations that sympathise if there are any, and hang on until ur in a safe space. BUT if there is no such threat to ur daily life, i really really urge u to seek out others like u.. and it’s likely you’ll have to look outside ur immediate circle. at first you won’t know where to look, i didn’t, i tried looking through uni, through apps, through meetups, groups specifically run by lgbt people of colour/marginalised lgbt ppl, and it will take time and a lot of trial and error and at times even ‘desperate’ or embarrassing attempts, at least it did for me. i got lucky by finding friends through friends and then friends of friends of friends etc who were like me and while i definitely wouldn’t say i connected w all of them or even liked all of them or that i have a stable network of other lgbt muslims (most of the ones i met live really far away and meetups are extremely rare but whenever i do talk to them it’s really healing) it really does help to know that somewhere not too far, u have someone who understands. so reach out. it’s hard and gruelling and isolating work but that’s the first and main thing to do to combat these unpleasant feelings of loneliness and anger. i wrestle w very complicated and conflicting things on a daily basis that most of my immediate circle couldn’t even begin to understand, so don’t do the mistake of sitting on it forever.

as for other people, gay women, muslims, whoever, i don’t have much experience here w the latter because im mostly focused on sorting myself out first before trying to fully integrate into like, being w other women in that capacity, and maybe im taking a little longer than i’d like but the good that comes out of this is im a lot less concerned about what other people have to say to me abt my identity. if gay women don’t like me bc of my hijab or my religion i really don’t gaf, they’re obviously not meant for me. don’t cater yourself to anyone but yourself, this goes for both sides. u don’t need to appease the gays by shutting down your religion and u don’t need to appease the muslims by believing u are wrong and an abomination. u were created this way, gay and it seems like u have a sort of tether to ur religion, how is that ur fault or something for u to adjust? the right people will come and the wrong ones will make it obvious (inshallah very quickly). and sometimes in our situation we find ourselves loving and deeply caring for people who just really don’t get it. that’s not ur fault either or something to resent! im starting to enjoy thinking of it as a variety. just do ur best to make sure these ppl are looking out for u and genuinely care for ur well-being even if they don’t really “get” you. and if u have no choice in the matter, hold on to the hope that people who DO get you are coming. islam is the connection between you and allah - that’s it. drown out everything else and don’t let noises distract you from that. i personally wear a hijab because it’s a part of who i am and makes me feel more protected (in a spiritual sense, i am of course very aware now that i live in australia that on a social level it can make me more of a target but i have not been threatened yet to the point of where im forced to remove it. u are not a bad muslim for choosing not to wear it, whatever ur reasoning is).

god gave us a tricky life, one can only theorise why, but what i do know is there are very few people on this earth who will understand u completely, even other lgbt muslims, and even fewer who will have ur best interest at heart. inshallah u find those few sooner rather than later, and remember the point is to let others lighten the load because this is a heavy thing to carry all by yourself. even online ppl in the same position will help. u have me 🧡 i am not experienced or developed enough to offer much more beyond this but i hope you can find some clarity and peace and i hope this helps in even a tiny way. i feel for you

[writingwithcolor]

what are some things I shld be careful of when writing jewish-coded magical characters? One of them is a romani jewish necromancer and the other is a russian jewish ice-magic witch. Their universes dont have western christianity, only judaism, islam & eastern orthodox christianity. Magic is normal and widespread and considered part of nature. Are there any stereotypes i shld be aware of avoiding when writing them? especially since the necromancer is meant to be morally grey (but def not evil)?

Witches: Romani Jewish Necromancer, Russian Jewish ice-magic witch

From a Romani perspective, a necromancer would be problematic as most Romani people have very strict traditions and superstitions regarding death and the dead. A Romani person with any ties to their culture would never be a necromancer; additionally, making them morally grey is a bit concerning to me as this is dangerously close to stereotypical. 

-Mod Tess

One thing you will need to decide is if your ice mage’s powers come from secular magic or from, like, prayers. I chose to go with secular magic in my fantasy series because the most important magical character is sometimes morally gray while the totally nonmagical protagonist (Queen Shulamit) is fairly moral and devout. But there is also Jewish folklore where magic is being used by a rabbi to do holy things, so that’s really a writing decision on your part. Since you also have a morally gray character doing magic, you may want to go the same route I did.

There is probably Talmud and stuff about necromancy (it’s probably forbidden but I am not familiar myself and I’m hoping one of the other Jewish mods will know. The ice mage will be easier to handle as far as representation. I’d say with Jewish witches avoid any connection with the Western image of the witch with the exaggeratedly hooked nose, avoid the idea that kids (especially gentile kids) are an ingredient in her portions, and avoid magic that somehow invokes pop Christianity/demonology aesthetically. 

Here’s an older post of mine about writing Jewish witches: Jewish Witch Characters

-- Shira

I agree that the ice mage is the easier answer: the only other example I can think of of Jewish representation in fantasy with regard to ice magic is Naomi Novik’s Spinning Silver, which is a masterpiece of positive Eastern-European Jewish fantasy representation and also doesn’t on its own constitute a representational trend. 

As far as the other character, I’m not sufficiently educated on Romani culture to understand how and in what ways it would mix with Jewish culture for any individual, and it looks like Tess is advising against that aspect of their background, so let’s just talk about necromancy and Jewishness. 

As is often the case when discussing practices we now consider to be magic, attitudes toward necromancy in Jewish writings are all over the map. 

Torah forbids it outright. Talmud restricts that prohibition to certain methods and situations. Medieval writers have opinions on methodology, while historical folk practice has a variety of practical suggestions. Welcome to the history of the Jews. 

Necromancy in the sources I was able to find for this answer seems to refer to questioning the dead, a form of fortune-telling or advice-seeking. I didn’t find any mentions of animating the dead for tasks other than conversation. If your Jewish necromancer has other uses for corpses, you’re going to have to extrapolate. 

In Torah, the prohibitions on consulting spirits and mediums come as part of longer lists, alongside cultural-identity laws like observing shabbat, banned religious practices such as human sacrifice and self-harm, and societal norms such as deference to elders and fairness to immigrants. Scripture clearly has no doubt that necromancy works, however, since it makes much of King Saul’s hypocrisy when he consults a medium after making the practice illegal and driving its practitioners out of his borders or into secrecy: the ghost himself has harsh words for the king and offers no comfort. 

The Talmud mentions a variety of examples of people consulting the dead, whether invoking a spiritual apparition or reanimating a corpse to consult with. In medieval writings, there’s an argument that being called to the living world is a hardship for the dead, and that the reason for the prohibition is out of compassion. Medieval literature also offers gleanings such as that the deceased can only be interrogated within the first year, after which the soul is no longer within reach, and that the dead observe shabbat and therefore cannot be invoked between Friday evening and Saturday night. This last one raises the fascinating question of what time zone is it in the World to Come, but that’s a Talmud-style question for another day. Interestingly, the Talmud does specify that humans don’t have jurisdiction to punish necromancers: that offense is between the individual and God.

The upshot of all this seems to be that your morally-gray Jewish necromancer is transgressing a Jewish law by practicing their skills, but that the transgression is not more severe than more mundane transgressions such as eating pork or shellfish, except in that it is unpleasant for the deceased. 

In a Jewish context, the word for the soul or animating spirit of a human is the same as the word for breath. If your character’s necromancy doesn’t restore the deceased’s consciousness, maybe all of the above is irrelevant, and the sin they’re guilty of instead is desecration of a corpse; since the character is intentionally dark, having them wonder which category of sin they are committing would be a valid dialogue choice. 

As always, I would warn you against having your Jewish character commit murder themselves, especially of a child, consume blood in any context, or act with a motivation of xenophobia or greed for wealth or power. A morally-gray Jewish character with a complex relationship to their Jewishness can have the potential to be interesting, but not if they reinforce existing negative portrayals. 

I hope this small-scale tour of Jewish writing and thought on the subject has helped you imagine how your Jewish characters might approach the relationship between their abilities and their backgrounds, and that you had fun following me on this journey. Good luck!

-Meir

Hi, Meir did a lot of external research with sources for this one so I’m gonna toss his Ko-fi link in, in case anyone feels like tipping him for this since we’re all unpaid volunteers. 

https://ko-fi.com/meirmakesstuff

-- Shira

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hey. So, I have no one to say this, so I will just vent in here.

For some context: I have strict parents. Like, REALLY strict. Also, they are the kind of parents that think: I'm the parent, I can yell at you, you know nothing about stress or working, you should be grateful (they remind me that quite often), my beliefs are the correct ones, etc (you get the point)

So, here is the issue: My sister went to a party yesterday when she got out of work (She does that sometimes) and messaged at like 10 p.m saying her friends were planing to go to [x] beach and told me she wanted to go, I told her she couldn’t convince our parents with effort, but she said she was planing on going without asking for permition, but knew they were going to be mad and could kicked her out of the house, and that if that happened, she wouldnt see me in a long time and she didn't want that, but she also really wanted to go. I told her like: I dont think they will kick you out, but they will be hella mad.

In a nutshell, she told me she would see and keep me posted. Well, at 1 a.m my father yelled to my mom:Your daughter is going to [x] beach! and thats where the drama started. (we are two states away from that beach) There was telling, messages, crying, etc.

At night my mother came to me asking me what I thought, but here is the thing. I can have an opinion as long as that opinion is the same as them, if its not, I end up scolded.

Another thing: I undestand my parents worry and their anger, but at the same time i undestand my sister. I undestand both and that sucks. It sucks that can empathize with both and that I'm in the middle of the fight.

My sister has keep me posted like: I'm already here, I'm with [x] person, I'm doing this, what are you doing? Etc

My mother, uncle, cousin and sister had all asked me how I feel and I just dont want to answer: I dont know what I feel, I dont know what to think, and at the same time i do.

I feel that my sister didnt consider the consequences of her actions towards my parents and they dont consider that she, at the end of the day, needs freedom cause she has spent lots of time denying it. They have asked me if I'm angry at her and I'm not. I'm not cause i undestand her and I love her.

They dont undestand how much I love my sister and how much she has helped me. She has helped me accept my sexuallity, helped me at school, helped me hiding many things I did, etc. They dont undestand that

But I know my sister. I'm not blind. She is sometimes stupid, she is reckless, she is rude sometimes, and she is not empathic towards my parents.

And I can see my parents point. They are parents. They get worried, they feel betrayed, they dont have her anymore, and their conection is breaking, yesterday was just the day things exploded, but they have been in bad terms for a long time.

I'm in the middle of it. My parents dont undestand how much it affects me, my sister just apologised for getting me into this. I just cant with this and I have no one to vent. I also dont want to be the reason my sister stay somewhere she doesnt like anymore

I dont want to be "On one side" but my parents pressure me into it, and by denying myself it would basically mean turning my back for them

My mother told me yesterday: You are the only reason I'm still here, the only reason I keep doing this. No offence, but that is hell of a presure to put on me. Everytime she says that I just remember a quote from Aristotles and Dante: "Don't say that mom. I'm going to let you down one day"

I will let them down. I know. Wheather it would be my sexuallity, my plans, my future, etc. I know I will, cause I'm not going to let my life be decided by them, and for them that is being ungrateful

I see the pain in my parents, the pain in my sister. I hate that the people I love the most in the world don't love each other. Not anymore. This may seem exagerating, but both sides told me the same.

I'm in the middle of this. I hate it. I love them both. And I cant do anything for them. I can only watch.

SORRY, I didnt planed this to be long. I just wanted someone to know :)

Thanks 💙

Hello, my love.

Thank you for telling me. Now someone knows. Someone heard you. I hope it made things slightly less heavier.

I know you just wanted to talk and let it out. So, I am going to tell you what to do. I only hope that you find your way out of this connundrum. It can be terribly stressful to be stuck between your parents and siblings. You can feel so helpless and useless when you are just the spectator of all that is going down. It can do horrible things for your anxiety.

I would suggest that you do talk to your sister when you can and establish some boundaries. It always, always helps to establish boundaries - especially with people who are close to us. I can see how much you love her and feel grateful for her support, but doesn't mean you are not allowed to have limitations for your love and support.

Having boundaries and respecting your space and mental health does not mean you don't love someone unconditionally.

So, talk to your sister about her actions implicate you and how it is difficult for you to deal with the consequences. I'm sure if the two of you talk, you can find a way to exercise your freedom without causing harm to one and another.

Sending you all my love and then some more 💙

[teepussilakana]

I am once again ranting about Fear street 1994/1978 so SPOILERS BELOW SCROLL FAST SCROLL FAR

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a little more

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alright, so i rewatched both movies yesterday while rigorously taking notes (who got killed, the lore, the childrens rhymes etc) and here is what i believe will happen/happened in 1666

out of all the rhymes, one that stuck with me was

"A deal was made with the devil"

Out of all the lines, this one is the only one written in a passive voice. (sorry this next bit is gonna be me flexing my 99% done english bachelors degree) The passive voice is often used in order to shift blame. Think of when people in power say things like "mistakes were made", they are not taking responsibility but rather adress that mistakes happened, and refuse to say who made them.

This has led me to believe that someone made a deal with the devil, not necessarily Sarah but someone who had the influence to create a new narrative in which she could take the blame.

Furthermore, we see the rhyme Simon and Kate sang ("She reaches from beyond the grave,...) BACKWARDS which leads me to believe that Sarah Fier is not supposed to be taking your blood but be GIVEN it. If you give her your blood, and you let her into your head, she will be with you forever.

The whole thing screams SOMEONE ELSE TOOK HOLD OF THE NARRATIVE when it comes to what really happened.

Now onto the references made Stephen King. Ziggy and Nick make references to Carrie, which if you dont recall is about a girl who suffers under her abusive mother for years and suppresses her gift of telekinesis and pyrokinesis until she snaps. She gets her revenge on those who wronged her by burning it all down. Then, Nick makes a reference to 'Salems lot. I had to look it up, but the gist of the story was that Stephen King tried to answer the question "What if Dracula returned to the 20th century". The story includes, again, HEAVY religious symbolism and following certain (vampire) rules to STAY SAFE. In the story, the head vamp is in the process of turning children into vampires.

So, now to what I havent yet seen. 1666. My theory is that in 1666 there was a preacher and the later Sunnyvale founders who were on top of the food chain in society. The (for the time) rich, powerful, with grand dreams of how the settlement would be built. Those below them on the food chain, slaves, women, laborers, were ruled by the rich and powerful. Their labors were never enough and on top of that they had to follow strict rules about how to act around those "above them".

Behind the scenes, the preacher, or someone else who worked for him, tried to take a shortcut to make the settlement grow faster, better crops, better weather, more wealth. The shortcut was devil worship. Aand it backfired. This caused a commotion, bad fortune and death. They needed a scapegoat. Before anyone would know who it really was. Sarah Fier would have been a poor woman with low social standing and already a beef with the preacher. The perfect witch, who would want to destroy the town after all she had suffered for it.

Its important to note that throughout 1994 and 1978, we've been shown that no matter which side youre from you arent any different. In 1978, Shadysiders and Sunnyvalers are shown ad being capable of being mean as well as kind. Sunnyvalers are simply raised to believe they are better, and that they should always strive to put down Shadysiders (see that bitch Sheila).

Sarah was probably not the worst in Union. Probably not the first to protest the social standing of her and the other lower class people. But she was dangerous, she spoke out and she possibly had something romantic going on with the preachers daughter.

So, she was put through torturous trials to prove she wasnt a witch. Preacher probably used his own periphenalia as "hers" ( which is how she found out about rituals and they framed her even better).

We've seen it before how Ziggy and Sam we're able to "survive by dying". This was an interesting way to put it so I figures there was something more to it. Sarah Fier could have used what she learned from the devil worship books and created a spell to keep "herself" alive even after death. She survived in SPIRIT by DYING.

Her spirit continues to haunt the area, trying to tell the people the truth. Whenever someone is near her body/hand, they bleed and are then able to bleed on the bones to see HER. Well who are the Killers then?

The Shadyside killers were made by Sunnyvalers, descendants of those who hung Sarah Fier. They know what their ancestors did. Once they found out about what Sarah Fier had done, they hatched a plan to keep her down. They moved far enough away from the campsite and MOVED HER BODY to control the area in which she had influence. They then did some more devil worship to influence Shadysiders to kill each other and created the myth of Sarah Fier to cover it. THEY LITERALLY BLAME THEIR OWN WRONGDOINGS ON HER AGAIN.

so, yeah. uniting the body and hand is the key to finding this all out. if any of rhis is remotely right im gonna piss myself from excitement

[horansqueen]

Vote For My Next Story

I'll try to keep this short. YOU&ME has ended, and it was a big part of the last few years of my life (along with AM Conversations). It'll probably always be my favorite and best story but that doesnt mean i want to stop writing.

please, know that the oneshots ideas are independent from the story ideas, meaning that i can write a story AND oneshots at the same time so let me know if youre interested!

(click on the read more to read the 10 synopsis of the story ideas I’d like to write)

AM Conversations & YOU&ME ideas:

-oneshots ideas for what happened after the story, before the story, or even in-between chapters in the story. you can send me ANY idea that you would want to read between Liv and Niall or other characters.

-oneshots ideas for any "what if" you can think of (i.e. what if one of them didnt love the other, what if they hadnt seen each other at the bakery, what if Liv had dated Louis, etc)

NEW STORY IDEAS:

NOTES: 

all the ideas are AU. 

 #2 #8 and #9 will include a few of the 1D boys. 

despite the title, #4 is a Niall fic

titles may change

                                   VOTE HERE!!!!

you can also vote by messaging me.

in the form, theres a place for comments but you dont have to leave any

you also dont have to leave your name or anything

thank you if you vote, it means a lot to me!

ill keep this open for a while, until i get enough votes :)

1- UNPREDICTABLE

They haven't seen each other since high school and they hadn't missed each other at all. In fact, they never really could stand each other. Her, a bit of a rebel, listening to punk music, searching for trouble whenever she could... and him, the good boy, popular and loved by everyone, who could rarely be seen without his guitar. It's been a few years already but not many things had changed and they still didn't have anything in common... except one thing. Both of them aspired to become famous with their music. With a twist of fate, they end up in each other's lives again and if they can put aside their resentment for one another, maybe they could bring something incredibly precious to each other. But nothing has ever been uncertain.

This is the story of two opposite persons who share a burning passion that may slowly bring them closer... or make the hatred they already feel for each other even more intense.

2- D.N.A. (daddies now available)

The test was positive. I was pregnant. The problem was, I didn’t know who the father was. It could be my ex boyfriend Liam, his best friend Niall or my best friend Louis. Or maybe it could be that boy I randomly had sex with, Harry... I had no idea and I was not going to find out soon.¸

All I knew was I had to tell four boys that there was a possibility for them to be a daddy in less than a year. Can you just imagine their reaction?

Contrary to all expectations, they accepted their fates.. somehow. And no matter who his daddy was, “little human” was going to get a lot of attention from a lot of men. Exactly like me.

This is my pregnancy story. And it was just the beginning of a long journey.

3- MEANT TO BE

When they first met, Louis was all *MAIN GIRL* ever wanted. However, a decade later the high school sweethearts had change and she felt like most of the sparkles she once had were now gone. Then she met Niall and it clicked instantly and intensely and since then, they’ve been seeing each other in secret, lying to their whole entourage about the nature of their relationship. Feelings started to grow, things started to change, and maybe, just maybe, it’s meant to be. Or maybe not.

A tale of broken hearts, unforgettable love and many… way too many lies.

4- LIVING WITH LOUIS TOMLINSON

Call me Queen Catastrophe. I lost my job, my boyfriend, my best girl friend and my apartment on the same day. Just a little friday afternoon like all the others, right?

Thank god, my best friend Louis was there to save the day. Nothing unusual. I was supposed to crash at his apartment for one night and then walk on my pride and go back to my parents to admit how much of a failure I really am.

However, Louis had other plans : he wanted me to move in with him. That’s when my story really starts. Mutual feelings, drunken sex, grocery shopping, fights that end up with porcelain thrown around the kitchen (I’m an intense person, I know) but most of all, his best guy friend stealing his (our, now) couch at least 5 nights a week.

I despise Niall Horan with all my heart. Him and his stupid charm, his flirty smile and his hands that always ended up in places they shouldn’t. He was threatening to come between Louis and I. He was slowly taking more space in our apartment… and in my heart.

Fuck, I hate Niall Horan with a passion.

5- FOR YOUR LOVE

After months of trying to get pregnant, Niall and his long-time girlfriend found out she was sterile. The news obviously shook their relationship and sparked a few arguments but after a long discussion, they found only one solution : hire a surrogate mother. As days go by, Niall's relationship gets harder and harder to save, and his connection with the surrogate mother of his child becomes tighter. Soon, he gets caught in feelings he can't explain and definitely can't understand. But life is not as easy as just following your feelings.

A story of unsettling feelings, confusing relationships, a deep and strong connection but mostly, decisions impossible to make. Can this really end well?

6- DATING FOR DUMMIES

*MAIN GIRL* has tried blind dates, dating apps, and speed dating to find her soulmate with no good result. Niall has tried pretty much the same without much more success. With all the bizarre, creepy and incompatible persons they meet, they're so close to give up on love until they meet each other through a friend. After a bottle of wine and a long discussion, they start thinking that maybe they were the problem, and that they're too dumb for dating. That's when they decide to make a list of what they individually want and need on a first date and finally decide to try it together. Unfortunately, things rarely go as planned and they will both realize that feelings can't be controlled.

When all else fails, the solution will always be to follow your heart.

7- THE BREAK-UP PLAN

*MAIN GIRL* and Niall's relationship had started when they had barely entered their teenager years. Now, over 10 years later, they feel like something is missing. They didn't know anything else besides each other and it had to change. They still planned on spending forever together but their lack of experiences and mistakes seemed to be an obstacle between them.

They agreed on  break that was not really a break. for six whole months, they would be able to do whatever they wanted to do with whoever they wanted to. Going to parties, leaving for a whole weekend with friends without giving any news, dating and even screwing whoever they wanted, nothing was out of reach.

They only had one rule : honesty. Every friday night, they'd meet and spend the whole night together, talking, making out or just cuddling until they'd fall asleep, to make sure their love was preserved.

Unfortunately, things rarely go as planned and seeing the person you love the most in the world be happy without you is something almost impossible to accept.

A story about angry tears, painful jealousy, sweet sweet revenge and realizing who your real soulmate is. Watch out, it's gonna hurt.

8- HOT MESS

*MAIN GIRL* has always been a bit of a rebel who didn't really care about much. She just enjoyed life the way she wanted to and never really paid attention to anything else. If she wanted something, she did everything she could to get it, no matter who she'd hurt in the process. After a few years away from her hometown, family and friends, she finally comes back to realize that a lot of things have changed. Jumping in her twin brother Liam's life without being invited, she's about to make a mess of everything he had made so much effort to build by flirting with every single one of his friends without any shame. She's not looking for a relationship, she's just looking to have some fun and break a few hearts... but perhaps, she's about to make a mess of her own heart.

Sometimes, you play the game and some other very rare times, the game plays you.

9- 15 Complicated Rules

I have no idea how I got into this mess but somehow, I ended up with 4 different fuck buddies. I thought I was going crazy until I made a strict schedule of the days and time I would see them, and wrote down a few rules I had to respect myself. A useful guide to manege my 4 fuck friends. Monday for my ex boyfriend, tuesday for my co-worker, wednesday for my old best friend and thursday for a family friend. It could work, right?

I've never been much of an organised person but I honestly thought I could make this work. Everything went as planned for a few months until I broke one rule after the other. That's when I knew I was in deep shit. These are my 15 complicated rules to have fuck buddies. And this is the story of my downfall and the incredible mess I put myself into. After all, rule 15 was 'Never Fall In Love' and I guess that's something I couldn't control, even if I wanted to.

10- DISCONNECTED

When *MAIN GIRL* switches college to finally follow her dreams, she was ready to face anything and everything that would come her way. After all, she had been through so much already, right? The problem was, she didn't expect to be stuck in a room with someone who gets on her last nerves because of a paperwork mistake. Despite trying to find an other place to live or spend her time talking to the administration, she had to face the fact that this situation wouldn't change for a few months. Niall knew how to piss her off and he clearly abused that superpower, doing anything and everything he can to annoy the most pretentious and stuck-up person he had ever met. Perhaps fate is having a good laugh, because they seem to get stuck together way more often than not, but it's not until they let down their defense that they will see who the other really is... if that ever happens.

Apparently, some people are in your life to teach you something and make you grow. Perhaps, if you take the time to listen to them and open up to them, your karmic soulmate can turn into your twin flame... or not.

11- NEW ANGEL

When *MAIN GIRL 1* breaks up with Niall, he takes it harder than he thought he would, realizing in the process all the feelings he had for her. After a few weeks locked by himself in his room, his friends take him out on a crazy night and he decides he needs someone else, if only to get over the girl he loves. That’s when he meets *MAIN GIRL 2* and bring her back home.  However, on the next morning, he realizes he doesn't want her to leave, and that despite the feelings he has for *main girl 1*, he could definitely develop something with *main girl 2*. Everything is going amazingly well for a few weeks until what Niall never thought would happen actually happens : *main girl 1* calls him to tell him she regrets leaving him. Now confused and stressed, Niall is going to have to make a choice between the girl he thought he'd spend his life with, and a girl he just met that makes his heart race. And he's going to get help on his journey from someone he would never have thought of.

A story about making choices, creating connections, messy hearts and confusing emotions.

(i have many ideas for this one but i dont want to give everything away!)

[flamestoflight]

I’m just overwhelmed.

Things at work have been really overwhelming. As I mentioned I;ve spent the past 2 weeks in the covid ICU which is a really tough place to be and often nerve-wracking with these patients being so sick or a really heavy assist. I’ve had a tech with me for half of the mornings on most days to help me, which is SO helpful but also makes me feel like I’m much more on the spot since I now have someone else who I am sharing my clinical reasoning with and demonstrating my skillset with and if I make a little mistake or have a less-than-pretty transfer, someone else is in the room to witness it, you know? It also means i see 3 people in a row and don’t document anything bc i dont want to waste her time which makes catching up on documentation tough and stressful. today i also put her in what I feel is a situation that i should have been taking responsibility for, which i feel bad about and i just messaged her to apologize but. taking that leadership/teaching role is something that i’m just not fully used to yet and has been a bit stressful on top of the stress of being on that unit

i also found out that i was accepted onto the cardiac service, which i applied to last week after someone else left. which is a REALLY overwhelming switch since they have 2 ICUs and i will need to be ECMO and and intraaortic balloon pump and LVAD trained and there are 2 VERY smart therapists left on that service who are quite intimidating at times and very strict in their ways and can be tough to deal with at times. I will need to become MUCH more familiar and sure with medications, EKG readings, and life support equipment than I ever have been before since I know I will be pushed and put to the test. and the one therapist on cardiac has been known to push therapists out the door which makes me nervous. but it’s what i’m interested in and so i went for it. surgery is my safe zone. It’s a service i love and am familiar with and i find it easy. I really am pushing myself, which is entirely overwhelming me right now. i know it will be good for me, it’s just a lot to handle 

i also am dealing with moving, which will happen over the course of 2 weekends and i am just overwhelmed with figuring out what I’m moving and when, trying to re-arrange weekends and i picked up a weekend shift for a friend right after the day i move which was a mistake but i was trying to be helpful and now i’m in a tough spot. I am trying to figure out where i should float my holiday DDO and i can’t figure out what would be the best day or if i should just save it and ive been staring at calendars for what feels like hours over the past week and i’m just overwhelmed. i will also start commuting now and need to go to the gym before work like drive to a gym and then shower there (??) maybe? before work im not sure. but i don’t have the convenience of an apartment gym anymore which makes morning schedules earlier and longer

i had coffee when i got home and have done essentially nothing since then. i have to shower and i was supposed to pack but i just feel frozen with anxiety right now over everything that is going on. i did message out the apology and also talked with my parents and my sister about what im moving and when and days off and stuff but i still just feel like i’m in a thought spiral that isn’t ending or resolving it’s just spinning and i! am! overwhelmed!

[bi-lesbian]

I have to say, the “every sexuality has exceptions” post rlly made me feel good. I’m an asexual who may have expierence sexual attraction a few times but I’m unsure/they were too few times for me to have taken them into account/those few times were all not irl only if I saw a picture of them online and it was so comforting for me to see. I felt so happy because a lot of times I am full of doubt.... Thank u sm.

:D!!! im so glad !! i dont really ever see exceptions to sexualities ever mentioned much at all, so i wanted to throw out support for that sorta thing, because i know that sorta situation can be very confusing and often lead to a lot of hate and invalidating. a lot of people have exceptions to things! whethers its for food, games, attractions, anything! its hard for every person in the world to be able to always rigidly fit into strict categories.

sometimes we find the one kinda pizza we like that has a lot of really specific stuff to it thats not on most pizzas, or usually dont like shooter games but find one you end up getting into because the story drew you in, but you dont call yourself a "pizza lover" or say youre "into shooting games" just because of those One Things. so i dont see why when someone only ever likes women but then had like one time of liking a guy would need to then define their whole sexuality on that one outlier and say theyre now bi. like sure they absolutely could if they felt comfortable and accurate with the label, but its in no way necessary.

this kinda explains why i use "bi lesbian" and "ace":

i have had a Single exception to my asexuality- and even somehow my sex repulsion- only for One Fictional Character, but i can not Ever see myself having these feelings for someone irl. at no point in the future do i believe i will have sexual attraction to someone and/or want to fuck them.

then for my romantic/aesthetic attraction, its absolutely very obvious to me that im Super into girls and also a lot of enbies, both in fiction and irl. however, for guys, i know im very much into them in fiction too, but for real life it comes very rare, and since i think Most of my attraction is aesthetic, im unsure if ill actually be interested in dating any guys in the future (while i currently have a girlfriend, so i Know im interested in dating girls). however, unlike for my asexuality, i dont think its impossible, and the appearance of attraction to guys pops up a bit more often than just the One Single Time. so im basically homoflexible- i dont expect to be dating guys in the future, but i dont think its an "absolutely would never happen." such is why im attached to both the lesbian and bi labels, and so i use both to be able to pin down the feelings on my identity more specifically!

[imagine-loki]

Stubborn Independence

TITLE: Stubborn Independence 

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 5/10

AUTHOR: brightsun-and-darkmidnight

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: 

Imagine Loki struggling to adjust to someone who is independent and insists on paying for themselves all the time, even if it is a struggle sometimes. They need to do everything on their own. They never ask for help and refuse help. Just imagine Loki really wanting to spoil this person. Imagine how creative he would get to make life easier on this person who has captivated him.

+

Imagine being a talented singer at your local club. Loki comes in one night with Thor and the others (he’d rather be anywhere else but who turns down free drinks?) and gets ensnared in the voice of the beautiful singer on stage. Suddenly, his interest (and arousal) are more than piqued.

+

Imagine getting into a petty fight with Loki, so in retaliation, he puts everything on the top shelf where you can’t reach? 

AUTHOR’S NOTES: College AU. Loki is determined to take over Odin’s company. He works hard and has a strict schedule for success. However, with the interference of Thor and the other four, Loki’s plans are often interrupted so they can play matchmaker.

My Ao3: brightsun_and_darkmidnight

 ~ ~ ENJOY  ~ ~

Loki let Sirena drive her own car while she talked excitedly about how well she was doing at Whispering Waters. Apparently the manager was considering having her perform every friday night, waitress the other times, and was going to pay her a small amount and let her keep the tips.

“How cool is that though? I mean I would be able to get my name out there.”

Loki could not stop the smile pulling his lips. “You are very gifted.”

“Thanks. It’s not… I guess it isn’t so much of getting my name known, I just like to see when people hear music. Music is proven to change or elevate moods. Its why I am in the musical therapy major.”

“When do your mock classes start?”

“Next week. Frigga stated there are some people really interested in the little class.”

Loki watched as Sirena parked in front of a grocery store.

She gave Loki a big smile. “Object of this game is to get snacks to eat in the car. Now go. Gogogog!" 

Sirena hurried out of the car and Loki felt rushed to do it too.

She started laughing as the car locked and ran to the entrance.

Loki easily caught up to her then opened the door. At Sirena’s look he walked in and shut the door so she had to open it herself.

"What the hell?” She laughed as she tried to be the intimidating fireball she was.

Loki smirked, “Everyone keeps telling me to let you do stuff yourself.”

“Well yeah. But did you need to make sure the door shut?”

“It would have been considered helping.”

Sirena tapped Loki’s arm with a small smile then pulled him along towards the snack isle.

Sirena was picking granola bars and some chips. “So get anything you can easily eat in the car.”

“Where are we going to go?”

Sirena snickered. “Depends on when you have your next scheduled alarm.”

Loki grumbled, “touche.”

Loki picked out a few things but were mostly candy. After purchasing their own things they went to the car.

“With all those sweets you are going to get a cavity. Clint would yell at me all the time about what I would eat because he knows I want to loose weight and be more healthy. He watches out for me.” Sirena took a bite of her granola bar.

“He does seem a bit…” Loki hesitated for the right word.

“Intimidating? Yeah he got the whole older brother thing about him.”

Loki immediately asked, “Brother? So you two aren’t dating?”

Sirena forced a gag and muttered “ew” several times. “No we aren’t dating. We knew each other from high school. He looked out for me because I would always get myself in trouble with people. I was too nice and people took advantage of me. He would scare people away from me.”

“He was trying to scare me away then?”

Sirena shrugged her shoulders. “Clint is an ass but yeah. He is a great guy. He is just pushing your buttons to see if you are good for me to…talk to.”

Loki had to be cheeky. “Am i good company?”

Sirena teased. “I think so.”

Loki laughed at his own question. “Was this planned out?”

Sirena pouted, “Probably. Clint is good at seeing things from way outside the picture so he is good at placing things where they are supposed to be.”

Loki fiddled with a piece of candy. “Where does he want us?”

“Beside each other.”

“You are being vague.”

“Vague? Why is there more information you are searching for?” Sirena teased.

“Just wondering if there is more to this… How did you put it..? Beside each other, Like this, in this car discussing his master painting over snacks…”

“maybe this is part of his plans..” Sirena glances at Loki’s lips as she leans slightly.

Loki starts to lean in as well. 

The kiss was short, sweet, and it made Loki happy to see her smile once the short kiss was over.

Loki smirked with a tilt of his head, “so do I ask you out or do you want to ask me?”

Sirena grinned, “I initiated the kiss, so I asked.”

Loki shrugged. “Fair enough. So do I get to take you out for dinner?”

Sirena seemed hesitant. “We can do our Q and A right here.”

“Do you actually have insurance on your phone?” It was the first question Loki came up with.

Sirena laughed, “that question is what you open up with?”

Loki nodded with a smirk.

She sighed before answering. “Yes I do. They won’t send me a new one because I dropped the phone. Something stupid about it not being the device that stopped working and it was my fault.. But it still works and I am not worried about it.”

“Alright. But everytime you show me pictures on your phone I really want to get you a new one so I can see your pictures better.”

“You are not the first person to complain about my phone for that reason.”

“Why not get a new phone?”

“I am worried about losing my pictures.”

Loki beamed. “I could help with that. Its very easy to do that. I move files all the time for work.”

“Maybe. Enthusiastic helper.”

Loki thought for a second. “I could teach you how to save stuff and put it all on a micro SD card or back everything up to the cloud.”

Sirena looked confused. “That was all over my head. I have no idea how electronics work. I can text, call, and set alarms.”

Loki tried not to laugh but a few chuckles escaped.

“Oh come on dont laugh at me!”

Loki couldn’t help but laugh at her pout and the embarrassment inside her voice.

“I didn’t mean to offend.”

“Whatever. So there is an intersection coming up… left, right, or straight?”

Loki asked. “Really? Okay straight.”

And that was the game for the night until they needed to get back to campus.

Loki and Sirena spent more time together and Clint seemed to be warming up to Loki more. There were still threats of bodily harm if Loki “ever hurt her and I will make sure you suffer too." 

Loki genuinely promised Clint he would never hurt Sirena.

Loki found himself on a new schedule and Sirena didn’t mind much of his alarms because she saw how anxious he was without some daily structure. However she convinced him into a deal; he could pay for one meal a week, and on certain days she had control of what they would do with their free time. Loki had to admit he enjoyed new experiences -especially with Sirena because she is always pleasant to be around.

Sirena never let Loki pay for anything and if he did it was an ear full and she would go buy him something if he wouldn’t take the money.

He tried to get creative by leaving a little money where she would find it, but she gave it away.

Loki went so far as to order things online, have them shipped to her mailbox as an "accidental delivery.” Despite the company saying to keep it she would send it back or find someone else who would use it.

Then Sirena got assigned a paper to write and was stressed out about getting it done because it was on a book she just didn’t understand. She found school just as important as Loki did, so homework would carve into their time together. Loki offered his help and she actually accepted it. Loki’s skills at analytical reading were useful and Sirena would get Loki his favorite drink and snacks as thanks for each study session.

They would work on homework together; at first they were alone and then they had a study group with the rest of their friends. Loki invested in a personal laptop so he could program while others worked and it didn’t take long to make some friends in the computer programming department too. Friends such as, Tony and Bruce.

During a study group Sirena announced she would be in a few of the art classes soon.

Fandral teased, “I am sure Loki is going to love it.”

Sirena glared at Fandral. “It is very professional. There will be no suggestive atmosphere.”

A few days later, Loki was in his art class and felt a little nervous as Sirena came in. Sirena discussed with Loki alone about how the class would go and how if anyone steps out of line the teacher would handle it.

It still did nothing to comfort him once she was on the podium in the plain undergarments she once explained. Everyone was on best behavior in the class which made it easier that way, but Loki’s hands sweat so much he had to keep readjusting the drawing utensils. They were never intimate other than kisses,  hugs, and hand holding but now he saw the curves of her body and was memorizing them onto paper.

Not at all troubling.

[theoi-crow]

I am really sorry to bother you with this question and my negative energy. I really appreciate all you do on here and how much effort you put into helping all the people on your blog. You seem to have a pretty clear/solid line of communication with your Gods, which is really alluring to most of us new polytheists... which I'm sure you worked hard on for years. I know you've made posts about Aphrodite being loving towards followers with mental health issues

Pt2: and of how Aphrodite has helped you and many others get thru their issues. Devoting myself to her gave me a push to reformat my days and I've been working harder to make better choices because of her... but my faith is so wavy. I have a hard time with binge eating, and it's something that has coat me my health and financial situation. I've tried harder and cant stop, and while Aphrodite has been strict with me through tarot, I find myself realizing that maybe I'm not doing enough for her

Pt3: or trying hard enough to get over things for her. My own insecurities get in the way most  of the time and I just feel hopeless in my communication with her. I dont feel her love like i did when i started. All i feel is my own judgement and I'm trying but in the end I'm worried I'm not doing enough, or working hard enough on myself, or if I'm just a waste of her time or efforts. I've worked so hard on my faith but I feel empty and cant hear her or know for sure. I want to make her proud.

--------------

Hi, first I want to apologize for not being able to reply sooner, with the trip and college, it's been hard to get around to replying but I know exactly what you're talking about. 

I also want to mention that while my connection with the gods seems solid, I do have moments where I won't hear and feel the gods for days, weeks or even months. I don't post about these moments but I want to mention it more so others see that this is normal. I wrote a post about it here: (LINK)

The second thing I want to mention is that I used to have a problem with binge eating when I had a food addiction that I've been struggling with for years that has thankfully subsided in the last few years but it's not easy and you really need to be gentle with yourself. 

I personally think mental health problems require your own kindness because it becomes a vicious cycle of guilt and strictness that can easily lead to being disappointed in one's self and self-loathing which can lead to the loss of hope and fear that you'll never recover. If being strict works for you, do that but it sounds like it's not working. 

Being gentle with yourself, forgiving yourself, and reminding yourself that you can do this, that you love yourself are all things that keep hope in your mind and it's this hope that helps you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This gentleness, being kind to yourself means the willingness to acknowledge that you are human and we humans make mistakes. We make mistakes and then we learn from those mistakes. According to science, It's how we've evolved as a species.

Forgive yourself for the times when you do what you said you wouldn't and try again. Keep trying because this practice will get easier but beating yourself up over it makes it hard to be okay with making mistakes because your body knows you'll be upset with it if it messes up. 

Be kind to your body, forgive it and encourage it to try and try again.

Try as many times as you have to, and know that you will get through this. If you need professional help, ask Apollo (if he's a god you work with) to help you find a therapist. If not, ask Aphrodite to ask Apollo for you or reach out to Apollo because mental health also falls under his domain and addiction/problems like binging will often require medical professionals. 

If you don't have access to reach out to a medical professional, ask Apollo to help you find free sources online and books that will help as well as helping you find communities that can support you. 

Another thing that I want to mention is your shadow self. Your shadow self will try to convince you that you aren't doing enough for the gods and it can even mimic the gods when they talk to you which is why I have set rules for interacting with them so I'm not accidently confusing a god with my shadow self: (LINK)

It can even mess with your tarot communication with the gods: (LINK)

Here is an amazing Masterpost for working on your shadow self: (LINK)

The reason why I say all of this is because I've had these same problems as well and these are the things that have helped me. I also sense Aphrodite telling me that you doing the best that you can is enough for her. Plus, as the goddess of love (including self-love) she wants you to be a lot kinder and more patient with yourself. 

Binge eating is a monster of a problem (it's a dark place I never want to go back to), I've had to do so much self-love as well as seek psychological help to help me break from that and so so so much shadow work. 

Be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone. Aphrodite is NOT mad at you, you are more than enough and she's not disappointed. Do your best but be willing to forgive yourself. Keep trying and keep talking to the gods. If they are cruel be suspicious of your shadow self and remember that they love you no matter what happens: (LINK)

Commit the post in that last link to memory and read it as many times as you have to.

You are loved and the gods love you. 

I hope this helps. 

May Aphrodite's warmth wrap your heart so you may understand that love transforms and frees the spirit of any addiction. 

[kittara]

Obey me - shall we date?: “A cold day at the Devildom” (ONE SHOT MC - Tarana)

Obey me - "A cold day at the Devildom" ONE SHOT

Hello there! Usually I’m a silent reader and distributor of hearts or reblogs but this night I got inspired and thought: “Why not trying to write a one shot?” For me, it’s been a long time since I wrote fanfictions active and because of my new love for this game, I couldn’t resist after all.

I hope you enjoy this one shot. Comments are welcome, especially because of word choice or grammar (English isn’t my mother tongue), I’m glad if I can improve myself. This truly motivates to keep writing one shots or new headcanons.

Your kittarana :3

It was a distinct cold day at the Devildom. On Earth, it would be autumn right now and that meant only one thing: Halloween was coming. To Tarana's surprise, the devils will very much like to fete that kind of holiday and scare other inhabitants like angels or humans, or simply go partying. The partying part got Asmo, he's delighted to go partying for a few days because Halloween can't be only celebrated one single day. This can't be adopted by someone like the Avatar of Lust, the party demon himself. Much to the regret of Tarana. She found out right away that the whole household will go partying. Because of Tarana being a human and the fact that she brought a cat with her, they will contemplate going partying for one night, although they all prefer partying a bit longer. If it’s even that enjoyful, one of the brothers could bring her back to the House of Lamentation where her little Betty awaits her.

Asmo's the most curious one at this case because he would love to know what naughty stuff could happen at this long holiday. Tarana feels a little bit unsafe at this moment as she examines the faces of all nearby demons. Beel is eating a giant burger he just made for himself after Tarana went grocery shopping while Belphie is sleeping nearby at the couch. He cuddles with his cow imprinted pillow, snoring silently. Satan reads a book near the cozy fireplace, but that's what Tarana is supposed to believe at this moment. The truth was that Satan had already read this book about the Middle Age epidemics and just wants to find out what the others are discussing about, so he's only pretending to be fully focused on the first written records about the Black Death chapter. In the meantime, Mammon turned one chair around and sits there, folded his arm and abuts them on the chair back. He is sitting near the chess table, trying his best to keep his vibrant blue eyes glued to the red-haired human. And if somebody is interested about the current state of Leviathan, you won't be surprised right now. After he heard out the words "Halloween" and "party", he ran away to his bedroom and left Tarana all by herself, unprotected. Their actual plan, to play some shooter games together, got shattered because of Asmo who had his own plans to meet.

"Come on, Tarana. This is going to be so much fun!", Asmo is already trying to encourage the redhead to show more excitement for the upcoming holiday. Tarana only sighs and rolls her eyes as she sees Asmo trying to gently stroke her shoulders. Today, Tarana seems to be extremely attractive and Asmo was trying to figure out why. Was she using a new perfume? Is it her reddish wavy hair? Or was is just her farouche attitude what made him more aroused than usual? He needed to investigate and searched for answers while approaching her.

"Asmo, darling. Why am I the only one who's not so sure anymore about the last part? Of course, this will be fun for you to be drunk and try to score with me but isn’t this whole partying kind of...Umm, I dont know. DANGEROUS for me as the only human?", Tarana's blue eyes wander around until they focus Lucifer's, seeking any kind of help from him. "Lucifer. You do not have a thing to say? Usually you would stop the lecher immediately."

Asmo pouts as he just got rejected, the Avatar of Lust only sighs sadly but she just crosses her arms in front of her upper body, shaking her head in disbelief and seeks distance from Asmodeus. "Usually I do. Yes. However, Halloween is part of the most important holidays at the Devildom and we even got an invitation from Diavolo himself. He is expecting anyone with this invitation to come to this holiday event. Even you, Tarana."

Indignantly, she rakes her manicured pale fingers through her long wavy hair while chewing on her lip. Her vague coralish lips are taking on an even stronger color as she causes her lip to swell slightly. Her lips appear to be fuller now, what some eyes can't miss that easily. Mammon blushes with a delicate smile on his lips while basing his head on his crossed arms. He wasn't sure what was different at this cold day today but the fact that his human was wearing a black high-waisted a-line skirt with a greyish oversized pullover, black over knees and dark tights made the Avatar of Greed feel flustered. Of course, he would be unable to say this out loud but his little human looked pretty hot in this outfit, showing off her hourglass figure. 

"I hate partying and you are fully aware of that fact, Lucifer.", her looks are getting darker as her eyes are beginning to reflect an upcoming thunderstorm. Although the Avatar of Pride can't be intimidated that easily, this human often showed him the exception. She may be only an exchange student and the representative of the Human World but her capacities and her hidden wrath are incalculable. Satan senses her upcoming anger about this situation and looks up from his book. A small smile appears. He knows how much anger she's hiding inside herself, always pretending to be a calm person so that others don't get suspicious. For him, she appears to be like a female version of himself right now. The only difference between them was the cause of this wrath. Satan's messed up origin can't be compared with her past experience which made her unsettled 24/7. Satan considers talking with her about it because he’s still unsure what makes her feel so mad all the time.

Asmo senses her upcoming anger immediately and giggles. He is expecting an interesting occur, hoping for a bit drama before the holidays. His brothers aren’t offering him enough entertainment but the discussions between Lucifer and Tarana are like a drama movie - if he’s trying to make her fulfill her duties, she rejects it immediately and provokes him until he is about to kill her. She never shows fear when he transforms and shows his demonic appeareance, and nobody knows why she always acts like an everlasting flower - especially in front of a mad Lucifer.

It could happen so fast and she’s chopped into tiny pieces but she doesn’t care at all. One time, Asmo tried to find out why she always appears fearless in front of Lucifer but she just shrugs. Her answer was: “I used to be afraid of death and dying in general but I lost this feeling after I realized how cruel life can be. How cruel it can take anything what is important to you. So I basically don’t care about it anymore. If it is supposed to happen, I wouldn’t mind it.”

"Of course I know your dislike towards parties but it's an official invitation so", he approaches her before grabbing her wrist and pulls her closer. Shortly, you can hear her heels toddling at the parquet floor before she stands still again, right in front of Lucifer. His tall appearance is reminding her of someone she does not wish to remember at this moment but she can't stop staring at the oldest brother right now. Their eyes meet, demon occurs human. Lucifer is huffing silently as he takes a closer look at the little human standing right in front of him. Usually he doesn’t show any affect when he’s talking with Tarana or more like disputing with her. Of course, he understands why his brothers love Tarana that much. Her innocent smile while showing off her big mouth is definitely a tempting combination. However, during such an important topic she shall not reject him. His pride can’t allow him becoming soft in front of her.

"You will come with us, even if I have to carry you over my shoulder. Even if I have to punish you for your rebellious attitude.", his last words sounded more like an excited temper, filled with hope that he could get a chance to punish her reasonable for this rebellious attitude in front of him. He doesn’t want to anger Diavolo because of a tiny stubborn human, it doesn’t even matter for him that her cute looks makes his heart leaping every time.

Tarana feels how her body is getting colder with his strict words. WIthout a doubt, daddy Lucifer just entered the room. He wants to make her tremble, make her feel anxious and unsure about this, but he begins to forget himself because of this overwhelming pride he yearns for. She tears off of his grip, not looking away. 

He won’t win that easy.

"I'd love to see you try, Stiefellecker*.", she turns away with an elegant twist, not turning back and exits the living room. What she isn't noticing right now is a dumbfounded Lucifer, unsure of the current situation which just occured.

What did she just call him?

It became silent in the room. Beelzebub stopped chewing, Belphie woke up after he heard the loud taps of Tarana’s heels and Satan’s eyes rised. The three brothers exchange an concerned look before staring at Lucifer.

Only Lucifer's faltering breathing could be heard. His shoulders start to shake, Asmo gulps. This time the topic went too far. Asmo supposes that Tarana said something inappropriate but he just couldn’t figure out what that word is supposed to mean. What just happened? Before Lucifer's temper tantrum could possibly destroy the entire living room, it gets interrupted by a Mammon who can't hold his laughter anymore. He's snorting with laughter.

"Why are you laughing, you idiot? Are you crazy?! Lucifer will kill you right now.", Asmo is not amused, his twitchy tone shows his concern. The adressed one ignores him completely while getting up from his chair. He's still laughing. "Mammon, you’re so dead right now.", Satan is shaking his head because he already knows what is going to happen right now. "I'm not surprised you guys don't know this word. It's from one of her mother tongues. You forgot where she's from?" "You know what she just said?", Beel's stomach is grumbling but the tense situation still caught his attention. It made him even hungrier and the burger wasn’t enough, sadly. "Sure, I do. And she's not happy at all right now.", with that words he leaves the place before Lucifer turns into his demon form and hunts Mammon till the Celestial Realm.

The other brothers stare at the Avatar of Greed who leaves the place, looking for Tarana to comfort her. According to him, she desperately needs the GREAT Mammon at her side. And nobody would stop him right now - not a mad Lucifer, not a terrified Leviathan and not the others who are now trying to calm his eldest brother down.

Oh, and btw...*Stiefellecker is german and means *bootliker or simply said, a *toady.

If you look closely how much time and effort Lucifer puts into any kind of business with Diavolo while trying to impress him in any way possible, it acts like a good insult towards the Avatar of Pride. if you’re truly mad and doesn’t care about any kind of consequences, go ahead and use it in front of him.

Personally, I wouldn’t be so afraid either because I love to test out risks :D

Does this need a sequel?

[brightsun-and-darkmidnight]

Stubborn Independence

TITLE: Stubborn Independence 

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 5/10

AUTHOR: brightsun-and-darkmidnight

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: 

Imagine Loki struggling to adjust to someone who is independent and insists on paying for themselves all the time, even if it is a struggle sometimes. They need to do everything on their own. They never ask for help and refuse help. Just imagine Loki really wanting to spoil this person. Imagine how creative he would get to make life easier on this person who has captivated him.

+

Imagine being a talented singer at your local club. Loki comes in one night with Thor and the others (he’d rather be anywhere else but who turns down free drinks?) and gets ensnared in the voice of the beautiful singer on stage. Suddenly, his interest (and arousal) are more than piqued.

+

Imagine getting into a petty fight with Loki, so in retaliation, he puts everything on the top shelf where you can’t reach? 

AUTHOR'S NOTES: College AU. Loki is determined to take over Odin's company. He works hard and has a strict schedule for success. However, with the interference of Thor and the other four, Loki's plans are often interrupted so they can play matchmaker.

My Ao3: brightsun_and_darkmidnight

Tags: @cateyes315

 ~ ~ ENJOY  ~ ~

Loki let Sirena drive her own car while she talked excitedly about how well she was doing at Whispering Waters. Apparently the manager was considering having her perform every friday night, waitress the other times, and was going to pay her a small amount and let her keep the tips.

"How cool is that though? I mean I would be able to get my name out there."

Loki could not stop the smile pulling his lips. "You are very gifted."

"Thanks. It's not… I guess it isn't so much of getting my name known, I just like to see when people hear music. Music is proven to change or elevate moods. Its why I am in the musical therapy major."

"When do your mock classes start?"

"Next week. Frigga stated there are some people really interested in the little class."

Loki watched as Sirena parked in front of a grocery store.

She gave Loki a big smile. "Object of this game is to get snacks to eat in the car. Now go. Gogogog!" 

Sirena hurried out of the car and Loki felt rushed to do it too.

She started laughing as the car locked and ran to the entrance.

Loki easily caught up to her then opened the door. At Sirena's look he walked in and shut the door so she had to open it herself.

"What the hell?" She laughed as she tried to be the intimidating fireball she was.

Loki smirked, "Everyone keeps telling me to let you do stuff yourself."

"Well yeah. But did you need to make sure the door shut?"

"It would have been considered helping."

Sirena tapped Loki's arm with a small smile then pulled him along towards the snack isle.

Sirena was picking granola bars and some chips. "So get anything you can easily eat in the car."

"Where are we going to go?"

Sirena snickered. "Depends on when you have your next scheduled alarm."

Loki grumbled, "touche."

Loki picked out a few things but were mostly candy. After purchasing their own things they went to the car.

"With all those sweets you are going to get a cavity. Clint would yell at me all the time about what I would eat because he knows I want to loose weight and be more healthy. He watches out for me." Sirena took a bite of her granola bar.

"He does seem a bit…" Loki hesitated for the right word.

"Intimidating? Yeah he got the whole older brother thing about him."

Loki immediately asked, "Brother? So you two aren't dating?"

Sirena forced a gag and muttered "ew" several times. "No we aren't dating. We knew each other from high school. He looked out for me because I would always get myself in trouble with people. I was too nice and people took advantage of me. He would scare people away from me."

"He was trying to scare me away then?"

Sirena shrugged her shoulders. "Clint is an ass but yeah. He is a great guy. He is just pushing your buttons to see if you are good for me to...talk to."

Loki had to be cheeky. "Am i good company?"

Sirena teased. "I think so."

Loki laughed at his own question. "Was this planned out?"

Sirena pouted, "Probably. Clint is good at seeing things from way outside the picture so he is good at placing things where they are supposed to be."

Loki fiddled with a piece of candy. "Where does he want us?"

"Beside each other."

"You are being vague."

"Vague? Why is there more information you are searching for?" Sirena teased.

"Just wondering if there is more to this... How did you put it..? Beside each other, Like this, in this car discussing his master painting over snacks…"

"maybe this is part of his plans.." Sirena glances at Loki's lips as she leans slightly.

Loki starts to lean in as well. 

The kiss was short, sweet, and it made Loki happy to see her smile once the short kiss was over.

Loki smirked with a tilt of his head, "so do I ask you out or do you want to ask me?"

Sirena grinned, "I initiated the kiss, so I asked."

Loki shrugged. "Fair enough. So do I get to take you out for dinner?"

Sirena seemed hesitant. "We can do our Q and A right here."

"Do you actually have insurance on your phone?" It was the first question Loki came up with.

Sirena laughed, "that question is what you open up with?"

Loki nodded with a smirk.

She sighed before answering. "Yes I do. They won't send me a new one because I dropped the phone. Something stupid about it not being the device that stopped working and it was my fault.. But it still works and I am not worried about it."

"Alright. But everytime you show me pictures on your phone I really want to get you a new one so I can see your pictures better."

"You are not the first person to complain about my phone for that reason."

"Why not get a new phone?"

"I am worried about losing my pictures."

Loki beamed. "I could help with that. Its very easy to do that. I move files all the time for work."

"Maybe. Enthusiastic helper."

Loki thought for a second. "I could teach you how to save stuff and put it all on a micro SD card or back everything up to the cloud."

Sirena looked confused. "That was all over my head. I have no idea how electronics work. I can text, call, and set alarms."

Loki tried not to laugh but a few chuckles escaped.

"Oh come on dont laugh at me!"

Loki couldn't help but laugh at her pout and the embarrassment inside her voice.

"I didn't mean to offend."

"Whatever. So there is an intersection coming up… left, right, or straight?"

Loki asked. "Really? Okay straight."

And that was the game for the night until they needed to get back to campus.

Loki and Sirena spent more time together and Clint seemed to be warming up to Loki more. There were still threats of bodily harm if Loki "ever hurt her and I will make sure you suffer too." 

Loki genuinely promised Clint he would never hurt Sirena.

Loki found himself on a new schedule and Sirena didn't mind much of his alarms because she saw how anxious he was without some daily structure. However she convinced him into a deal; he could pay for one meal a week, and on certain days she had control of what they would do with their free time. Loki had to admit he enjoyed new experiences -especially with Sirena because she is always pleasant to be around.

Sirena never let Loki pay for anything and if he did it was an ear full and she would go buy him something if he wouldn't take the money.

He tried to get creative by leaving a little money where she would find it, but she gave it away.

Loki went so far as to order things online, have them shipped to her mailbox as an "accidental delivery." Despite the company saying to keep it she would send it back or find someone else who would use it.

Then Sirena got assigned a paper to write and was stressed out about getting it done because it was on a book she just didn't understand. She found school just as important as Loki did, so homework would carve into their time together. Loki offered his help and she actually accepted it. Loki's skills at analytical reading were useful and Sirena would get Loki his favorite drink and snacks as thanks for each study session.

They would work on homework together; at first they were alone and then they had a study group with the rest of their friends. Loki invested in a personal laptop so he could program while others worked and it didn't take long to make some friends in the computer programming department too. Friends such as, Tony and Bruce.

During a study group Sirena announced she would be in a few of the art classes soon.

Fandral teased, "I am sure Loki is going to love it."

Sirena glared at Fandral. "It is very professional. There will be no suggestive atmosphere."

A few days later, Loki was in his art class and felt a little nervous as Sirena came in. Sirena discussed with Loki alone about how the class would go and how if anyone steps out of line the teacher would handle it.

It still did nothing to comfort him once she was on the podium in the plain undergarments she once explained. Everyone was on best behavior in the class which made it easier that way, but Loki's hands sweat so much he had to keep readjusting the drawing utensils. They were never intimate other than kisses,  hugs, and hand holding but now he saw the curves of her body and was memorizing them onto paper.

Not at all troubling.

[deniigi]

Any advice on how to stay focused? Whenever I study I get distracted every few minutes and ended up doing something else much longer than studying. This also counts as work as well and really dont want to get in trouble like this

Ooh. Okay, so this might be a hit-or-miss kind of answer, friend. What works for me might not work for you. I’ll give you as many things as I can which help me get/stay on track, but you’ll probably just have to try a load of things to figure out what works best for you!

—–

Motivation/Interest:

So I suppose the first thing I’ve got to say is that if you’re having a hard time focusing, you either might not be in the right head-space to start focusing or not be stimulated enough or in the right ways by the work you’re trying to do. That’s not really anyone’s fault, but knowing that you’re about to sit down and be still and focus for a long period of time can be challenging in terms of getting yourself to stay on task or hell, even start a task.

One of the ways I combat this is by multitasking. Like, I find that I can do something better if I’m doing two things at once. Usually, that’s something like listening to some kind of instrumental music to keep my mood up when I’m researching or writing academic work, but sometimes, when I’m having a fucking rough go of it, I’ll get some knitting or drawing or something and I’ll use a screenreader to read my articles to me. This way, it feels less like work and more like I’m just listening to a podcast.

If you’re studying for something that requires you to spit facts back at it (like, idk, chemistry or highschool exams or smth) then studying in groups where you can just have a conversation about the material might be helpful in terms of making the work feel less like work.

Power Hours:

I have power hours. I work best between 1pm and 5pm. After 6 or 7 in the evening, my attention and writing quality and just generally my critical thinking skills drop the fuck off. My quality of work goes down by like 50% at least.

My colleague, on the other hand, can only work from 8am to 3pm. My partner works best almost exclusively from 11pm to 2am.

I feel like we’ve all got this period of time when we’re able to focus better than we do in the space around it. Figuring out your own power hours might help you plan your day around your work. You might just be forcing yourself to do things earlier or later than your brain wants, so maybe try moving your schedule around a bit if you can.

Timer:

For certain tasks, I give myself a time limit because I know that I have a tendency to go ham on tasks that don’t require it or not start tasks if I think they don’t have an urgency to them.

This helps me moderate the amount of time I’m spending on a single task and it also makes me go ‘oh, well, thirty minutes to answer emails. Pft. I can do that. That’s no problem. There’s only 4 emails.’ and then just like that the emails are out of the way and I’ve actually got more time in my day.

So yeah, a timer might help you break tasks up into more manageable chunks. Don’t be too strict with yourself if you use one, though. You’re human, the timer is not.

Reward System:

I reward myself for every bit of work that I successfully complete. I am essentially a complicated dog. I do the trick, I get the treat. Once I am done with the treat, I am ready to do another trick.

Treats for me are things like making a cup of tea, poking around the internet, watching a funny video, etc. etc.

If I do a really big thing which requires intense focus for many hours, I’ll reward myself with something a little bigger. I.e. A nice dinner. A trinket or a walk or a bit of shopping or smth at the end of the day/week.

All work should be rewarded, even in small increments throughout the day, even when you’re the one doing the rewarding. Be kind to yourself!

Additionally, treats give you a goal to work towards! (i.e. I will do one hour of reading, then I can have!! A snack!! I am excited for the snack! Let’s do this reading!!)

(Also don’t deny yourself things as a punishment for not completing tasks. Fuck that. Nah. Positive reinforcement is almost always a better teacher than punishment.)

Avoiding Overload:

You might be getting distracted because you have a thousand things you have to do and you’re thinking about them while you’re trying to do that one thing. You might also be experiencing some executive dysfunction, anxiety, depression, etc which might be eating into your drive to focus on a task.

There are loads of layered reasons why focusing/doing work is hard sometimes and even often.

When I get to this point, I break down tasks. I try not to give myself more than 3 tasks to do per day because I find that I can usually manage 3 tasks, even on a bad day. This way, I don’t feel so overloaded and I feel like I’m making progress, even when things are looming on the horizon.

Like, okay, you can panic-study or cram for a test, or you can re-read your notes one day, flick through the lecture notes the next day, and then plan out an essay you might write the next day and none of that should take more than 30 min to an hour, so by the time the test rolls around, you can be chill in the knowledge that you have studied, you just haven’t crammed.

I realize that this involves some planning and time-management skills that we aren’t really encouraged culturally to learn (and for whatever reason, a lot of people think it’s cool to procrastinate and cram-study or write), but when it comes to like, being kind to yourself and giving yourself the time you need to complete a larger task and actually learn from that experience, it really is an essential skill to learn.

Taking Breaks:

I take a lot of breaks. I take a break at least every hour. Usually every 40-50 min when I’m working. Otherwise I’ll burn myself out and I won’t be able to prolong my researching/studying. This acts as a reset and a treat (see above. I am still a complicated dog), so that you can process the material that you’re thinking about. For this, I wouldn’t go more than 10-20 min, depending on the task you just completed (the bigger the task, the longer the break.)

But yeah. Work doesn’t have to be continuous. If continuous work doesn’t work for your brain, don’t force it to. It’s just gonna leave you frustrated and unmotivated.

—–

So yeah, anon. This is what I’ve got. I’m sure others have some good recs too.

Mostly, the way I approach focusing and productivity is by trying to be as empathetic and kind to myself as I can be within the confines of the task at hand. I don’t really ascribe to ideas about working yourself to the bone or forcing yourself to do something your body and brain don’t want to do.

It’s all about finding the rhythms and contexts that suit you. So like, try:

listening to certain types of music during a task

changing your method of study (i.e. listening to the material instead of reading it, playing games, making maps, pictures, etc)

making a list of 3 tasks you will complete in the day/study session

giving yourself little things and breaks to work towards

moving yourself to a new place to change your environment (perhaps go to the library or to a cafe or something and study there if you have a hard time focusing at home)

maybe even find something to fidget with in your hands

Anyways, I hope this gives you something to work with and I encourage folks to leave other strategies in the comments!

[jikook-love]

Nothing worse than someone who can't correct their fetishism bullshit in the moment. No need to get defensive, "fuck it could totally be read as racist and that's Fucked up and fixable concerning the Asian comment you made, "I love them but I guess the thing I meant to say wasn't what I said and for that, oops (sorry)" done. I preferred when one of my fave blogs didn't reveal themselves to be an asshole.

i mean, vent what you need to but…

That ain’t it buddy. I know who I am and I know what I said and actually that’s exactly what I meant. I didn’t correct it because I was too busy laughing at someone calling me racist against my own race and showing all my friends 😂😂😂 Didn’t think it’d be taken that seriously.

I know you’re done hearing and whatever I say will be seen as a twist but I’ll let you in a on a bit of deep lore, because it’s good to know.

It happens to every Kpop group alright. For a long time now, the concept of Asian beauty can often mean imitation of certain natural Western features: the nose surgery to make the bridge higher, the double eye lid/larger eyes, circle lenses to get rid of brown eyes, even dyed hair (but everyone dyes their hair so you can say that’s a stretch). And I won’t say it really bothers me because while I choose not to do it, if plastic surgery makes you feel more confident and beautiful, by all means do it. What I do sometimes pity is that I think there needs to be more appreciation for the “slanted” monolid eyes that can look so charming, and the cute button noses and so on. But I find that Kpop stylists tend to prefer styles that make all their artists as subtly “Western” as possible. Of course it’s still a look, most of the time its just a certain style of makeup and they are celebrities and it’s their job to try out different things but I just happen to prefer the more natural look, and I hope that they would too. There shouldn’t be so much damn pressure to look not like yourself, even though I know Asian cultures regard the surface level beauty to a high high extent.

I think I can say pretty objectively it happens to many groups. If you need a solid example, watch live SNSD videos in Genie/Gee era and compare them to The Boys era (when they were trying to go for the “global” appeal).

Which is why, I often make remarks like “black hair is so much better them” and such. I know some people will misunderstand, and I can’t bring myself to really get too frazzled by it, because I know what my opinions are backed up by, and honestly, perhaps it’s just a wish for us all to stop being too shallow and learn to appreciate everything on the surface regardless of what it is.

And yes, perhaps there’s a reason I can say all this because I’m Asian myself, so I’ve seen all this unravel in people close to me who aren’t even celebrities. That comment wasn’t even original, as I remember seeing it in a YT comment for a kpop idol group 5 years back, albeitedly when most fans were still mostly Asian still. There are some things that usually Asians would be more prone to notice in these idols, having heard a lot it growing up like “god i wish you had double eyelids!” or “i wish i had a higher nose bridge”…etc etc. I know you intended to be hurtful calling it a fetish or whatever, but as you can see it’s really not that lol. Even if I were subconsciously attracted to solely Asian people (which I’m not, but could happen…I guess), that could easily be explained by psychology, which dictates that we are more attracted to people who tend to look more like us. Still don’t believe me? Go ask some of your own Asian friends if you have them.

tl;dr i’m not just some random chick spewing shallow things on the internet. and i know people know that, and know not to judge off a single comment i made. perhaps i was wrong to say it because i forgot that not everyone grew up in some strict Asian culture or would understand BUT that doesn’t mean you should go off and make assumptions either. im not exactly for being politically correct, and im sure if someone wanted to tear my words apart they could probably 😅. even if this response gets twisted or whatever, it doesnt matter to me because at the end of the day, i know who I am.

i recommend you take all this powerful energy for justice you have off the internet and do something useful irl with it ^^ join a anti bullying organization, a club, a rally, a debate team..etc. this is the wrong place, cause as you can see i personally really dont bring any true harm to the world…for the most part. in the off chance that you still really truly care that much: DM me. I can try and ease your consciousness lol.

[laufie]

here’s a fun story about a creepy dude/stalker i had. it was a strange situation at the time, and i realize in hindsight i should have been much more scared, but it’s been over 10 years so i can just laugh about it now. it doesn’t describe anything traumatic or graphic, but it’s quite eerie.

anyway, i was about 15 or 16 years old at the time, and it had been just over a year since i moved to canada from ukraine. i still used vk (russian equivalent of facebook) frequently to chat with friends, and had an inside joke in my bio about taking LSD. i wasn’t actually taking anything, as i said it was an inside joke.

out of nowhere, this russian dude sends me a pm about how if im really taking LSD i should be able to name some specific formula or dosage or something. i explained to him that it was an inside joke and i know next to nothing about the drug itself, and he laughed it off. we started talking because i noticed it said on his profile that he currently lived in new york, which was a place i’ve always dreamt of visiting. we ended up talking every day about random things, mostly his love of new york and the array of recreational drugs he does.

he didn’t seem dangerous. he never talked about heavy drugs like heroin or meth, and was heavily against them. he was russian of course, as he was in new york only temporarily, so i felt a sense of connection to him, since i was still overcoming the cultural shock of moving to canada. to my mind at that age he didn’t seem like he had any bad motive. he didn’t ask especially prying questions, he was always nice and well-spoken, and enjoyed philosophical discussion. he gave off a vibe of a trustworthy person, which is a note of positivity that would have persisted throughout this whole story...

had he not been 7 years older than me. an important detail that slipped through the cracks at the time - he was 22 when i was 15. i knew he was more mature than me, but as far as i remember, i never actually got to find out his age back then. in hindsight of course, aside from the glaring age difference, he did give off red flags. calling me much more mature than other girls my age was perhaps the most glaring one. at the time. and of course, the constant glorification of drugs.

mind you, this was more than 10 years ago. the internet was a different place at the time. there was no tumblr or twitter or adults that grew up using the internet to tell me to be careful as a minor. people did whatever they wanted to and got away with it. so naturally, i didn’t catch any of the red flags, neither was i even on the lookout for them in the first place.

skip forward nearly a year, my mom knows a lot about this guy, since i’m quite open with her about, well, everything. my mom has always been my best friend. that summer we were planning a 3 month long trip home, to ukraine. him and i thought it would be cool to met up, since by now he was back home in russia. for reference, ukraine is to the far left side of russia, whereas this guy lived on the polar opposite side, on a piece of russian land that is right above japan. he would have to fly across the entire russia to see me. russia. you know, that massive thing? he was perfectly fine with it. i convinced my mom to let me meet him, and she said only if he stays at our place. naturally.

he came for only a couple days. our apartment back home is quite small so with my mom and constant family guests, there was always a pair of eyes on him. it got a little bit strange eventually. he was touchy, but not in an inappropriate way at all. i’m sure it’s not due to his personal decency, and rather because he would most definitely get caught. he would try to hold my hand, or brush my hair off my face, pat my head. things like that. it didn’t go beyond that. but to me, at the time, it was a grown adult man doing it to me, which gave me an unsettling anxious feeling.

on his last day he wanted to go out because he wanted me to try a drug that he had been talking about the entire time i’ve known him. i would prefer not to go into what it is, but it has a heavy hallucinogenic effect that lasts for a very, very long time. naturally he told my mom he just wanted me to show him around, and i was in on the lie. i was curious. my mom was always very strict with coming back home right on time, so we promised her we will be home by 10 pm.

we went out at around 5. and it lasted longer than he promised. way longer. we came home at 3 am. despite the hallucinations being quite heavy and mind-boggling, the effect of the drug didn’t make me feel “out of it”. my perception of time and space was obviously very skewed, but i knew who i was and where i was, and what was happening around me. he didn’t try anything. there wasn’t even as much as an attempt. except, well, when i realized what time it was i rushed home so fast that i was not going to stop for anything. so i’m not sure. maybe the night wasn’t over in his mind yet, but it was in mine. i felt bad for my poor mother who had been worried sick since 10 pm. it was pitch black outside so i went home through a well-lit road that has a lot of cars. now that i think about it, i may have unintentionally saved myself from things getting worse.

i only stopped when we were outside my apartment, because i wanted to focus as much as i could before going in. he sat down on the bench and beckoned me to sit next to him. and he kissed me. i dont remember how exactly it happened but it just kind of did. i went along with it and didn’t say anything after, i went inside the apartment building like nothing happened. it was odd. i didn’t know what it meant, but i also didn’t care, because i wanted to see my mom as soon as i could, ad it was the only thing on my mind.

one look in my eyes and she knew everything. she told me to go to bed. i don’t know what she told him. i’m not sure she said anything. the next morning she asked me if anything happened. i assured her that i was safe. and then he was gone. she didn’t say anything to him. she just dropped him off to make sure he actually left.

after that we didn’t really talk nearly as much. we tried to keep in contact but honestly, i wasn’t as drawn to him anymore. eventually, out of nowhere, he posted some really mean and rude comments under a bunch of my pictures, and i ended up deleting him.

now for the creepiest part. nearly 4 years later we plan another trip to ukraine to visit family. i have some medical conditions with my spine that i needed to get very uncomfortable and painful massages for. my health is one of the main reasons why we took trips back home often. one day about a week or so into my trip i was leaving my apartment to get into a taxi to go to one of those massage appointments. i exit the building and there he was. sitting on the bench and just looking at me. 4 years later. not a word. across russia.

even though it was bright afternoon and a lot of people were out, i was overcome with dread. i awkwardly told him “sorry, i have to go somewhere” and rushed to get into the taxi. he didn’t say anything, just kept looking. on my way back from the massage i called one of my close old friends that worked in the UKR special forces. my mom wasn’t home and i did not feel safe returning. he picked me up and drove me home, and came in with me, all the way into the apartment, the guy wasn’t there anymore. i made my friend coffee and told him about this guy. he promised to drive by once in a while to make sure he isnt hanging out here at odd hours.

later that day at around 8 pm i got a text from an unknown number. “so, are you scared of me now?”.

i closed all my blinds and curtains, locked both entrance doors, and told my female friends not to come visit me, because he knew their faces. yes, i was scared. i was really scared. he didnt say a word to me in 4 years, somehow found out about my trip and just showed up. i wasn’t sure if i wanted to cry or scream. i knew i had to get rid of him somehow. so i responded, making up a story about being really sick and needing constant treatment, and that i made plans with all my friends to leave tonight to go to another city for 3 weeks.

he was angry with me and very upset. he expected a happy reunion i guess. i was very polite to him and apologized, saying i felt bad he traveled all this way only to be told this. he started writing really cryptic things. “i know a secret how to cure any illness of yours, you don’t need doctors, it’s like a code, you plug it in and you become anything”. “i came here to cure you because you’re the only person it will work on”. “i went to your page to ask your friends if your plans are true, but you have them hidden. why don’t you trust me anymore?”

among this he called me. over and over. between every message, a missed call i refused to pick up. eventually i broke down and asked him why is he acting like this. to which he said “because you are the only woman in the world i will ever be able to love this much”. i told him i was with someone and have been for 2 years, and to leave me alone. after a handful more cryptic messages, he stopped for a while. and ended it in a plea to forgive him. i didn’t respond to anything beyond the confession.

thankfully i had no contact with him since then, and as far as i know there have been no attempts from him. however, i don’t use russian social media anymore, and none of them are linked to any of my active “american” accounts, so to speak. so there is no way for him to find me. if you ever wondered why i never make my real name public and always go under aliases, this is largely why.

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing