#I also recognize that statistically I'm not going to get married

[sunshineandrosesnoraincamemyway]

Emotions are so stupid sometimes. Feelings are so dumb. I've had a crush on the same guy since 5th? Maybe even 4th grade (obviously minus the 6 months I was dating someone else) and it doesn't even matter because he's never given a singular sign that he likes me as anything other than a friend. (are we even friends? The word is so watered down these days) If you look at the group pictures from camp last week I'm next to him in every single picture (which was unintentional the first half of the week, then those stupid emotions hit me in the freaking face)

But he's just so great. At this point I don't know if he meets all my standards for a guy, or if the list is based off the things I admire about him. He loves Jesus so, so, so much. He loves his parents and his siblings and has SUCH a love for our generation and wants us to be on fire for Jesus. He has a servants heart and feels called to ministry (not specifically missions, but he's mentioned that he's open to the possibility.) He's good with kids, he knows the Bible SO WELL (and constantly inspires me to memorize more Scripture.) I love him so much (not romantically. yet. but I still love him)

He runs a ministry that's like a combination of a Bible study and a house church, he has a podcast that's currently going through the Fruit of the Spirit. I know he's not perfect, but dang it in this day and age he's certainly a rarity.

[junipers-archive]

Wedding Day Worries

Word Count: 1.1k

Includes: Fluff, Wedding worthy fluff, (i'm so funny), your special day, the day you marry Spencer and have to console him on his nerves in a closet haha

Oh my god. It was your wedding day. It was the day you were getting married. This was the day you promised- no devoted yourself to the love of your life! This was the day you married Doctor Spencer Reid.

But what it also was, was eight in the morning.

Your alarm went off too-loud, you were burnt out, now realizing having Penelope plan your bachelorette party may not have been the wisest choice you've ever made. Or...one that you could remember at all for that matter.

You got up and bewildered and nervous from your bed. Today was the day. No more waiting, no more calling him your boyfriend, after today he'd be your husband.

You collected the trash that had been thrown around the room, picking up abandoned headpieces and the sash you assumed you'd worn that read 'Wife to be' on it.

Finally, once you'd taken a shower and gotten into easily changeable clothing you headed for the salon where Emily and Penelope had promised to meet you.

Once you got there you were wonderfully greeted with pancakes from your favorite restaurant in a little go-bag and coffee.

"Y/n!" Penelope said as soon as she set her eyes on you, followed of of course by Emily.

"How are you? Ready to be Mrs.Reid?"

You hugged them both following into your chosen salon, "I'm great!" and really you were, "And yes, to answer your question I am more than ready to be called Spencer's wife."

You got your hair a makeup done, after you ate your pancakes of course, and then headed for the church with the both of them.

When you finally got there it was half past nine and you had approximately thirty minutes to get ready before the guests started arriving.

Which quickly shortens as your fiancé pulls you into the closet nearby.

Emily and Penelope having already gone ahead don't notice you're gone for quite some time, enough time so that you can hear what he has to say.

But only after he's pulled you into a kiss so deep you think you die doing so.

"Spence what're you doing?" You pull back, happy but suspicious.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" The questions rhetorical of course as his hands squeeze around your waist and your noses nuzzel against one another's.

You smile softly at how lucky you are, "Reid. I need to go get ready." You try to slide out from his grasp but it only tightens.

"Five minutes." You now realize he hasn't opened his eyes.

"For what exactly?"

Now he turns around, relieving you from his warm and comfortorable hands, which you miss instantly.

"I-uh I'm nervous..." he speaks.

You lay your hands on his shoulders to comfort him and turn him to look at you, your initial thought was he was embarrassed.

But he informs you otherwise, "Don't. I can't look at you!"

"What?"

"It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding baby."

And so help you god, he sounds so sweet and confident when he says it you don't force him further, only sliding in a small remark.

"Yea you got any statistics to back up that theory Doctor?"

And though you can't see his face fully, you recognize the tilt of his head as he smiles. "Only my own superstition."

"So what's got you so nervous?"

"You know that day you came to the office and asked me if we were dating?"

You chuckle, "Yea- Yea I remember it distinctly."

"Well the only reason you knew how I felt about you was because Penelope told you..."

This confused you, "The same thing could be said about me.."

He nodded at that, "A-and then when I asked you to marry me it was only after I basically told you I was going to before hand.."

You giggled, "That was not your fault, I mean the ring fell out of your pocket Spence-"

"You're not listening, I just- do you really wanna marry me? I-I never seem to do things right and then when it comes for this big moments, hell its our wedding day and I'm freaking out so if you're having second thoughts or-"

You interrupt him now, turning him to face you, him eyes immediately close shut, and you opt for hugging him so he doesn't have to look at you.

"Spencer. Reid. You are the single most loving, adorable and smart person I could've ever hoped to marry. I am not having second thoughts. I knew the moment that ring fell out of your pocket that I was going to say yes."

He tries to interrupt but you hug him tighter to stop him.

"And yes you've made some mistakes, but those mistakes are what make you, you. Those little 'mistakes' are what makes loving you all the more interesting and easy."

"But I-"

"Spencer. I was in love with you two days after meeting you. Can you imagine that? It took two days for me to fall in love with you and never once have I regretted it. You were my roommate! I was looking for a roommate and I found the love of my life! How lucky am I?"

"I love you too Y/n." You can hear in voice that he's accepted that this it and there is no way to convince you otherwise that he's not your soulmate.

You kiss him once more before you leave the closet, but he asks you question that has you shaking your head at him.

"Those weren't your vows right? I didn't ruin that moment?"

"No. You didn't ruin anything. But please don't become the runaway groom Spence."

He laughs, "I wouldn't dream of it."

They weren't your vows of course, you have a far more light-hearted and sweet message that ultimately still stings the eyes of many when you get up on that altar.

His heart stops when he see's you as your heart melts at his reaction.

And everything is perfect, the melody of the music is just right, the air somehow sweeter, the weather perfect and when he tips down to meet your lips, as you are finally pronounced husband and wife you realize that all of it was perfect because he was perfect.

And as you grin at one another, happy to begin a new life together you also realize you would've married Spencer Reid anywhere, in the pouring rain, in dirty cold basement, in the desert.

You would have him as your husband anywhere.

Because he's yours just as much your his, till death do you part.

Requested by: @wordsarelife

[horizon-verizon]

Thanks for acknowledging how bastardy is stigmatized irl. I was born in the US but it was still super stigmatized to have a single mom, have been looked down on all my life for it, and the way some fans trivialize the stigma that still exists or make jokes about it is soooooo infuriating. The privilege is remarkable and disgusting in those who do mock ‘bastardphobia’ or whatever you wanna call it

Here is just one website/page telling us about illegitimacy in the real world today:

In most countries children born out of wedlock do not have the same rights as legitimate children, despite the trend in favour of greater equality between them. As a rule, it is only when they have been legitimated that illegitimate children have the same rights and obligations as the children born of the marriage. If, on the other hand, they have merely been recognized by the father, although entitled to be fed and brought up at their father's expense, they cannot claim the same rights as legitimate children, particularly in the matter of inheritance. However, they may, in certain cases, apply to the putative father for a maintenance and education allowance. In Belgium, for example, illegitimate children can exercise this right up to eighteen years of age, in Finland up to seventeen and in Guyana up to sixteen.

In Finland, there apparently is still a legal distinction b/t children born in a marriage and those who aren't (2019 studies, so take what you will):

Children are classified according to family status as legitimate or illegitimate. A child born in wedlock is legitimate. A widow can give birth to a legitimate child if the pregnancy began while still married. A child born out of wedlock is illegitimate. Cases where the mother has married the child’s father after the child’s birth are also considered illegitimate in these statistics. According to law, such children only become legitimate as of the date when their parents enter into a marriage contract with each other. In this vital statistics publication the child’s family status is primarily given by the mother’s marital status, that is, whether the mother was married or not. Unmarried, widowed and divorced women, and women widowed after a registered partnership, separated from a dissolved registered partnership or living in a registered partnership are classified as not being married at the time of the child’s birth.

And in America, you best believe that people look askance at kids and people with unmarried parents, even divorced parents. As one might expect in Catholic, overall Christian people, institutions, and conservative states, communities, and circles, there are also liberal circles with much the same attitude about "securing futures" for children by marrying their parents together. Legally, there are still certain legal and economic privileges given to a married person/couple than those who aren't (thus why some gay couples get married).

I tried looking for a specific word for the prejudice against illegitimate people, but couldn't find any. "Bastardphobia" sounds too pejorative of illegitimate people for me to use. It's also pretty irreverent and self-effacing, lending toward possible humor, so I also like the term. I'm conflicted. I'm conflicted, but we'll go with that for now.

[super-seiyajin]

okay, i appreciate the time and care you put into laying all of this information for people to read! i had no way of knowing this much was happening, that's for sure

i still don't like how many people on the Destiel side of the argument have dismissed us left and right though. it's mean :(

this poll got me giddy because it convinced some people to give GWitch a try, and i love seeing new people get sucked into it! but for every comment that said they tried out GWitch and really liked it, there were ten more going "who are these stupid lesbians" or "who cares about these girls anyway" and just. generally bad vibes.

people always overlook femslash in favor of mlm pairings, sometimes even if the men haven't met. so this win also feels vindicating for us sapphics because finally, finally we're being seen! people finally can't ignore us, not anymore! that's kind of an explanation for a lot of the votes that don't know Sulemio, y'know? even in AO3, yearly statistics compilations include an overall ranking of which ships had more works, and then a different ranking, one with just femslash ships. the reason for that is how people only focus on men that, more often that not unfortunately, are white. i say unfortunately because there could be a banger mlm ship with at least one guy of color and people will put two straight white guys together instead.

in comes GWitch, first Gundam series with a female protagonist, who also happens to be a WOC.

i'll admit I'm not familiar with the entire 50 years of Gundam history because I only watched GWitch. i'm not into mecha, so i was just aware Gundam was a very big franchise, one I'd probably never interact with.

flashforward to a few years and, on the 2nd of June, 2023, i'm crying my eyes out because Suletta and Miorine are actually married, and Suletta's sister says Miorine should listen to her sister-in-law every now and then.

there's people saying misinformation about how Sulemio never hugged, how the finale was written by interns(?), how it was confirmed they weren't married after the show ended, and it's made me feel really bitter. Miorine calls Suletta her groom proudly on multiple occasions and even yells out "I'm that girl's bride" when people demand to know why she's defending someone that might be a criminal. During episode 11, the historic hug happened, where Miorine told Suletta to never lose a duel, which Suletta happily agreed to. you may wonder what that means! if Suletta lost a duel, she'd have to transfer her status as Miorine's fiancee to someone else. neither of them wanted that as early as episode 11/24.

fastfoward to June, 2023, and they're happily married, living in the countryside with Suletta's family, and Miorine still clings onto that woman like she'll disappear if she doesn't.

so, i don't like when people undermine all that. director Tomino Yoshiyuki fought execs left and right to make those girls married and happy. when Bandai Namco, the company responsible for merch sales, first stated their marriage was actually "up to interpretation" to appease Chinese censorship, fans around the globe gave such a harsh pushback that Bandai was forced to apologize, and nowadays they recognize Suletta and Miorine are wives. people don't get to minimize something that big. the staff fought for it, we fought for it, the cast fought for it, all because we like these characters. it's not fair.

Anyway if I really wanted to throw some stones in these glass houses I'd ask where the beautiful canon yuri ship advancing us beyond the era of barbarous queerbait - the one that got officially married in their blessed canon - is keeping their official kissing gifs.

They have those, right? One of the perks of being real canon and married (since Destiel canon doesn't count).

...oh.

Oh?!?

You mean they didn't show an official canon kiss on screen despite making it super blatant that there was a non-platonic relationship going on here??? And then the anime studio after making it super gay by doing a political marriage plot from ep 1 tried to walk it back to being "open to interpretation" by downplaying the relationship in the final episodes and editing out parts of interviews that said they were married post-canon?????? As in your fandom had a brief QUEERBAITING SCANDAL due to NETWORK CENSORSHIP?????????

[alatismeni-theitsa]

Hi, I'm just curious. Were LGBT communities accepted in ancient Greece based on certain elements of Greek mythology, like some of the gods having lovers of both genders?

Disclaimers: This is a very broad summary and many cases haven't been covered, so I encourage you to search on your own. Google Scholar has many scientific papers on different subjects and I think you should take a look there. Read many papers so you get a better idea of the situation, and understand the biases of the authors.

It's generally very difficult to explain ancient concepts with the terminology we have today. If you got confused by terminology here feel free to ask what I meant. I didn't intend any harm to readers of this post. This is how some terms seem more appropriate to me as a Greek speaker.

Onto my own short answer:

Well "accepted" is a big word and very different of what most users in this site would think as "accepted". It wasn't such a serious "sin" but it was generally looked down upon, from the records we have today. (Remember, these were the societies that at large thought women shouldn't express their sexual desires if thought to even have any). At the same time it was known that such couples existed, but they couldn't get married or say this is my "life long partner" or something.

It's very possible queer couples were living happily "under the radar" or people around them looked the other way. In fact, I'd say the societies had (socially and on a superficial, formal level) crossed out queer couples so much that even if you went on a date or slept with someone "you shouldn't", it would people would think "aaah just two women having dinner in the tavern" or "two women sleeping together. Nothing can possibly happen. Women don't have sex with women anyways." Holding hands and hugging a lot between people wasn't something seen as inherently sexual, between people of the same sex (or perceived to be of the same sex). Women and men were quite segregated back then, largely working in their own domains, so lgbt+ didn't have many outsiders to judge them. The other members didn't know the ins and outs of how things worked in the opposite side of the social world, so it would be easy to fool a bunch of old women with "eh you know that's what we do in the army, you just have to sleep very close to each other!"

But given how much smaller societies were then, how little education people had, and how statistically unlikely was for someone to be queer in a village of 100 people, it would still make that person seem "odd" in most settings in "ancient Greece". I wouldn't want to try and go back at that time, to be honest with you.

In Classical Athens - and I suspect in most of cities, marriage was something done "for the good of the city" and not yours, anyways. So you could marry someone of the opposite sex because that's what the society wanted, and then chose another lover in secret.

I don't think trans folks were very "accepted", I have yet to find a text that says "this thing also happens in mythology with so and so god so we must accept it". There might have been efforts to explain things about the lgbt+ people through myths, but given that trans people are rarer than homosexuals (at least with the studies we have now) the acceptance wouldn't be bigger than this of the homosexual couples.

If trans people managed to hide their dysphoria or will to transition (something extremely difficult for many, I know) and only exhibited "opposite sex" behaviors they could still seem "odd" unfortunately. But bio women could be seen as, what we say a "tomboy" and bio men as "eh he likes doing [effeminate thing of the time] , but but he is a good lad". Of course that doesn't cover the struggle of being trans in those ancient societies, I am just saying how outsiders would perceive them. We know of some other societies around the world recognizing different genders and sexual identities as valid and celebrated, but we don't have such records from the Greek antiquity.

For people on the ace spectrum, they were affected by the fact that they were required to have sex and that's bad on its own.

Other lgbt+ (and cis and/or hetero, tbf) people also faced this struggle through the requirement of marriage to someone they weren't attracted to (and "rape" didn't even exist inside marriage for the ancient laws 😢). The city and the society didn't care much about your attraction - you were bound to the laws of your sex back then, no matter how you felt. We have mentions of lgbt+ folks and that means it wasn't all extremely bad and ominous then, but recognition doesn't necessarily mean acceptance, as "I can safely express myself".

Some people stayed single, but for women it was infinity more difficult to do such a thing.

Modern day Greece is relatively bad to be lgbt+ but still I would rather stay here than some period of the Greek antiquity.

For other identities, I don't think I can cover much.

As always, people, reblog and add stuff if you like! If you want to recommend some readings feel free to do so!

I have a tag lgbt+ in Greece and there are some sources there for antiquity, I think.

+Please, don't bugger me about terminology, we all know it changes every five years anyway - and not even in my country most of the time. Not all of us should be bound to Anglophone and US American expressions.

Plus, being considered heterosexual (or "cis") in ancient Greece was about biological sex, and that's why I focus so much on it. And I don't want to call people "males" and "females" and that why I used bio women and bio men.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

02-02-19 (Saturday)

Idk how to explain this but straight people have such a wildly different view on intimacy than queer people do. Like no cishet I've ever spoken to has ever understood that me cuddling with my best friend isn't sexual. Like I'm just cuddling... We love each other but we're not IN LOVE with each other. Hell, neither of us have any interest in that whatsoever. They're MARRIED. I was in the wedding. I think they are a great match with their wife. They balance each other out. She makes them happy and that makes me happy.

I can't tell you how many cishets have been absolutely weirded out by learning that I cuddle with my best friend. They just don't get it. "Don't you start feeling... Something?" Besides safe and happy, no. Idk. It's like they think they're gonna catch me doing something idk. I just feel safe and happy with them. Hell, Grover and I do, too, sometimes. Not a lot because Grover gets overstimulated a lot, not because it's weird.

Idk. Platonic cuddling is one of the milder things queer people do that cishets hate. Telling your friend they're cute is a slight step up. Talking to your friends about your kinks is interesting to try and say you do. Most are absolutely revolted. It's hilarious. Queer are so much more open about things to each other. Legitimately. I've had full on conversations about kinks and how to not be an ass about them and actual sexual escapades they've had with queer people I barely know. Cishet people I have known for years will give me small talk about the weather. This is why I feel queerness is like family. We're so open with each other. And we stick together. We're who we can trust. We already kinda know each other even if we don't. And we can almost always recognize each other. Gaydar isn't perfect but it's a good indicator. And not everyone has it. But I do. I have predicted people's queerness before.

And I'm gonna be honest, I get a small queer vibe from you. Not like as explicit as I usually get so I interpret that as "Mostly hetero but with maybe a few exceptions if she wasn't already in a committed relationship (which makes a huge difference tbh)." But I could be wrong. Gaydar, like I said, isn't perfect and sometimes it confuses people who are willing to talk about sex/the intricacies of sexual attraction/sexual boundaries with you with queer people. I could be wrong but that's the vibe I get. I also have some backup evidence for that, though it's sll subjective. Your kid being queer is one of them. Kids with queer bioparents (whether or not they know the parent is queer is irrelevant) are more likely to be queer. You've made vague references to experimentation before meeting your husband. You've also made some comments that make me believe you have some attraction to a specific woman. You don't have to acknowledge this or tell me anything. You owe me nothing on the subject. And if this isn't something you actually feel comfortable talking about to me, you should feel NO obligation. Just so we're clear. Also I think a lot about "What if *random person* is actually queer and either closeted/doesn't know it yet?" It's definitely not just you. So this is a common occurrence for me and not just a thought I had about you, I swear and I would be completely surprised if it wasn't a common thing for other queer people to think about as well. We always... We always think about how many of us there are. We wonder because there's no official count/statistic beyond the like 3.5% figure that I truly feel greatly lowballs how many of us there are. I really feel like we're at least 20% or more if the population. Also it's very difficult to get an accurate ciunt because the closet is still VERY necessary for many of us. I saw a post btw about that actually and it articulated a thought I'd been trying to summarize for a while.

That. That is something I think about a lot. I value happiness. Safety is great but if I'm not happy, what's the point? If I'm miserable and want to die, who cares if I'm safe. This is also why I felt better after becoming homeless. Because I wasn't being restricted as to what I could be anymore. Everything, every single decision about my life rested in my hands. I admit, I went a bit apeshit with the finding happiness thing. Went a bit too hedonistic and not enough responsibility but everyone has that, right? Everyone has that moment. But the difference is that most people's moments were like "I can have candy for breakfast and no one can stop me." Which is an appropriate reaction to being like 18 and livjng alone for the first time when your parents only exerted a healthy amount of control. But when every aspect of your life was controlled and your privacy repeatedly violated and disregarded, becoming a hermit who blows money on fast food whenever they get it (that's what I was in 2015) isn't as drastic as it would initially seem. I felt kinda drunk with power over my own life. And it's natural that I'd make some questionable decisions about it when I had the first instance of control I'd had in 22 years. I learned though. I don't eat out nearly as much as I would have in 2014 if I got $771 a month. I don't just stay in my apartment all the time enjoying the solitude (admittedly have been staying inside a lot more lately but it's been like 2° outside and people have been kinda draining for me lately.) For weeks on end. I don't take midnight strolls through neighborhoods I don't know for fun (because it occurred to me that no one could stop me. I was like "There's nothing to stop me from just walking around at midnight. No shelter worker threatening to kick me out. No parents trying to tell me I'm just using them. Nobody. I can just leave and never come back if I wanted to." I didn't have anywhere else to go... But if I HAD, I can't guarantee I wouldn't have just gone.) But it's a weird thing to realize the entire world has opened up to you now that your parents kicked you out. It's such an unexplainable feeling. I don't get it.

[trulymightypotato]

In this essay, I'll talk about what I, a Utahn, think is the most likely series of events here. All named people will be c not cc.

(Important notes before we start: I do not think Wilbur is Mormon, both because there's at least a 40% chance statistically that he is not (depending on study source) and because most people who identify even as culturally Mormon much less religiously so are unlikely to start a drug van. It's not impossible, but I very much doubt it)

So in this, we're going to briefly talk about 1. Is Phil from Utah, 2. Where is Tubbo from, 3. How did Tubbo get from there to Phil, 4. Where is Puffy from, 5. How would all their origins affect their character decisions.

I recommend pulling up the wikipedia page on "Demographics in Utah" for a quick glance reference of some of the things I talk about. (Yes, it's Wikipedia, but it's free and widely accessible)

Essay under the cut for the sake of your dash

Phil is possibly from Utah, most likely from one of the much-lower population areas away from the Wasatach front. Given his tendency towards isolated locations somewhat close to major metropolitan areas and being incredibly fond of the forest and competent at dealing with the snow, I'd place him near (but not in) Park City. It's also a high tourism area, which would definitely give merit to the concept of Wilbur working a customer service job for sixteen years.

Having said that, I think it's much more likely Phil lives elsewhere and merely visited Utah for a while--long enough to get with a certain fridge. This is supported by Kristin calling Wilbur "Phil's son", which heavily implies she was never in a position for them to have that sort of relationship with each other--either because they married late in Wilbur's growing up or because custody arrangements demanded Wilbur stay with his mother the dear ol' fridge.

(Further note: no, Phil would not be married to them both at once. Polygamy is actually, no joke, against the state constitution and also illegal in the United States)

I'm inclined to think Wilbur's mother had full custody of him and Phil traveled back and forth every year to spend time with Wilbur, given the complexities of international custody. It would give Wilbur a glowing opinion of his father, because he would only ever see the good side of him for those visitation trips, and would potentially explain why Phil has wings in the smp (because Wilbur strongly associates him with constantly flying back and forth).

Moving on, we now face the question of Tubbo's origins. The answer to this one is easy. California, with his dad, Sparklez. We will revisit the evidence of that relation later.

How did Tubbo get from California to Utah? Also easy- Sparklez travels to Utah every year or two to do snow sports. Given cc!Sparklez has weighed in to say he's the best parent, he likely would have taken a young Tubbo with him on those trips. And seeing a bee in the middle of winter is certainly something that would be interesting enough for Tubbo to chase and get lost doing so.

I'm not sure whether Tubbo stumbles across the same sort of portal Wilbur seems to have and gets transported to the smp while he's still very young (quite possibly too young to fully remember his life before the smp) or whether he ends up accidentally getting shipped to Phil in an overnight package of souvenirs home (cardboard box theory). Considering Kristin never mentioned him, it seems more likely Tubbo accidentally stumbled into a portal that took him to the smp, and has no full memory of a life before then.

Puffy is from California. This is why her memory had to be erased when she got pulled into the smp, because she is old enough to remember her life before. She was friends with Sparklez in her life before, which is why she remembers him when she sees Tubbo. It's not necessarily likely Sparklez has horns in California, but it's quite possible Puffy saw Tubbo with them and recognized him as Sparklez's son anyway and her memory-tampered-ness filled in the blanks to assume that was why.

Puffy, being from California, actually had a ship that crashed with her in the smp, because she was actually sailing one at the time she stumbled into a portal. We know this from the time she found the ruins of her ship and explored it.

We also know Puffy was looking for answers to her family's curse. Given that Sparklez's son literally disappeared in the middle of a family trip, it's possible they would have met in a Supernatural Events Support Group of some sort, or been connected by mutual friends who thought they'd get along because they'd both had terrible things happen to their families with no discernable reason.

So there we have it. Phil is probably not from Utah, Tubbo is from California but stumbled through a portal into the smp when he was very young during a family winter trip to Utah, and Puffy and Sparklez met before she got pulled through a portal in the ocean near California due to their shared past of supernatural family tragedy.

When Techno said "where I come from people only have one life" do you think he meant Utah

[saltymcsaltything]

Long, rambling discussion of nuance in Autistic presentation from my personal experience incoming:

I'm AMAB but have always had a somewhat confused relationship to the gender binary. My interests frequently cross the (arbitrary) gender boundaries assigned to certain activities and I have been told repeatedly that many of my behaviors present as feminine. As a child and even as an adult bearded human, I am frequently assumed to be a woman based on my voice, body type, size, hair, or mannerisms (unless someone can see my beard), and I masked like crazy most of my life.

I'm also old and "twice exceptional" (gifted), so there's a lot of reasons why I wasn't diagnosed until 41 even as a white (alleged) male. The criteria for diagnosis were evolving while I was in school, and I was masking more and more by the time they caught up to where I had been in, say, kindergarten or 4th grade. Even with supportive parents who likely wouldn't have invalidated a diagnosis, it wasn't going to happen. I didn't present in the right way to fit into the available boxes.

Fast Forward to Me as a Married, Middle Aged White [?Gender?] Person:

My wife was the one who first picked up on my neurodivergence. I was unconsciously unmasking during the pandemic, and after my mom died I couldn't maintain the mask at all. My carefully crafted public persona disintegrated. Behaviors I had suppressed since childhood came back to the surface, and all of my sensory issues that I'd found ways to cope with and explained away as "it just be like that sometimes" became unbearable. Suddenly I was displaying noticeably Autistic traits for the first time in over 30 years (or maybe I was just deluded that whole time and others noticed more than I think...)

Even then, when I started doing my own research, I noticed most of my traits were a little different. I read several articles on autistic traits in girls and saw a lot more overlap with my own traits than the "standard" (male) traits. My wife's own research had been focused on understanding her own neurodivergence and so she had seen and recognized those traits in me.

I took several self-assessments and totally rocked them. Scores so high I should get some sort of achievement medal. One test in particular (I think it was the Aspie Quiz) actually had a statistical breakdown of the scoring by reported gender, including non-binary, and the results were interesting. My relative scores correlated more closely with female and nonbinary score distributions than male, and in particular where there were notable differences between female and nonbinary, I tracked more closely with nonbinary. Huh. (Have I always been non-binary and never recognized it? I have so many questions...)

Sidetrack to Family History As Seen Through the Lens of the Recently Diagnosed:

In hindsight, both my neurodivergence and somewhat unconventional gender presentation shouldn't have come as a surprise. My maternal family has a history of having [slightly to strongly] gender non-conforming individuals both AMAB and AFAB during a time period where trans and nonbinary identities were almost never acknowledged and when the language surrounding them was very different and lacking in nuance (heh). There were also many individuals with a variety of neurodivergent traits. For chronological context, these individuals were mostly born before 1950, so none of them would have been diagnosed as Autistic or ADHD, and none of them would have been recognized as anything other than a "tomboy" or "sissy" (ewww).

My mom in particular was a staunch "tomboy" with intense interests, emotional dysregulation, and sensory sensitivities (both hypo and hyper). Yet as a retirement-aged adult, she was a huge doll collector despite having openly loathed dolls as a child. Never a fan of gendered boxes. She also refused to enforce gender norms on me or my brothers as kids -- we liked what we liked and she supported that. She had no daughters, but each of her 3 sons has very different and individual relationships to our assigned gender. My oldest brother is unabashedly masculine but in a non-toxic way, my middle brother is gay with a mostly masculine presentation but in a more nuanced way, and then there's me, for whom gender has always been kind of an arms length "please just leave me be to do my thing" sort of thing. I generally find the gendering of things like clothing, activities, relationship roles, entertainment and styles of play to be puzzling and restrictive. I'd be particularly happy if society treated clothing, makeup and other forms of personal physical presentation as genderless and freely accepted for all individuals according to their personal tastes. I could go on but I'm already rambling. Suffice to say I don't like the way society defines gender and attempts to categorize people based on perceived gender.

Despite All of That, I Finally Got Diagnosed, but...

The social perception of autism is still largely rooted in white, cis male stereotypes, and now, to a lesser extent, in white, cis female stereotypes. But those boxes of traits don't respect gender or ethnic boundaries. The spectrum includes people of all races, ethnicities, sexualities and genders, and those who don't fall into the default are still so much less likely to ever be diagnosed or taken seriously due to systemic biases.

My wife is AFAB, gifted, and African American. She masks even more effectively than I do, but it is so emotionally exhausting that she has withdrawn socially to an extreme. She will probably never be diagnosed because she is keenly aware of medical bias and has largely given up on the medical community. I have medical and psychological support outside of the home, but for her, we're going it alone in coming to terms with and managing her traits and how they intersect with mine. I am privileged to be diagnosed even though I was a little outside of the default box. She doesn't have that privilege and as much as I wish I could, I can't lend her mine. It just doesn't work that way.

I love how the public perception of autism expanded from "all boys, very visible, diagnosed at a very young age' and now there's the additional option of "women, mask very well, always knew they were different, figure it out as adults". The rest of us do not exist in the eyes of allistics. There is no such thing as nuance. And yet we're the rigid thinkers.