#I almost regret cancelling.. but reminding myself it's better for my already rapidly deteriorating mental health in the long run kinda helps
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One of the singing competitions my grandma endlessly watches featured a song I was learning in singing lessons and was supposed to perform before I cancelled two days prior to the concert, so now I'm like... half triggered, half wrecked with guilt
#in my defense I didn't mean to cancel only two days before#I tried to tell my teacher I wouldn't be able to handle it from the minute she gave me the offer#I thought in the two months I've known about it I would have been able to hype myself up and do it#but several borderline panic attacks in the weeks leading up to it told me otherwise#so I snapped and said I wouldn't do it#I know I disappointed her bc she told me no one else would have a performance at all similar to mine#she told all her colleagues about how great it'd be. before I cancelled she invited another teacher to watch me rehearse#obviously didn't once I told her I won't do it#and the other teacher asked why we didn't call her after the lesson was over. my teacher didn't say anything in front of me#but said goodbye to me and led the other teacher to the back room#to complain about me? voice her disappointment? just tell her what happened? I don't know#but I never asked how the concert went and she never brought up wishing I was there. we haven't talked about it since#haven't practiced that song since either#so... yeah. I do feel insanely guilty. and disappointing people is a huge trigger for me.#and being reminded so suddenly did almost make me cry I won't deny it#I almost regret cancelling.. but reminding myself it's better for my already rapidly deteriorating mental health in the long run kinda helps#okay. okay. deep breaths. chill#one evening without something making me upset. please#it's literally no big deal. calm down#fuuuckkkkk why am I like this#pull yourself together ffs
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