#I admit to not being even close to an expert about how to speak out about this specific issue

[makingqueerhistory]

I have a somewhat odd question. In June, I was part of creating an online Pride Shabbat for queer Jews unable or unwilling to go to Pride in their home area due to the rise in antisemitism, and as part of it, I wrote a memorial/Kaddish meditation about queer people across time and space. It’s fair to say I couldn’t have done it without MQH, which featured heavily in my research of historical queer figures.

I want to share the piece on Tumblr because I think some folks with progressive synagogues might like it, or may simply find it personally meaningful. Here comes the question: in any other time, I’d find it absolutely abhorrent to share it without crediting you for the time, love, effort, and care you’ve put into MQH that made my job so much simpler. But times being what they are, I don’t feel it’s right to do so indiscriminately, because I’m all too aware you may face splash damage for being associated with a filthy Bad Jew who doesn’t disavow all of Judaism etc. etc.

As a result, I feel obligated to ask if you’d prefer I omit your name from the post, especially since you’re trying to make MQH financially solvent. Please let me know, so I can decide how to structure my post.

Okay this is a complicated question. I will admit I was initially quite confused by the second paragraph of this, until I checked your blog. I realized quickly that you are refering to the fact that you're a Zionist.

I feel like I have been very public about the fact that I oppose Zionism, but in case I haven't been obvious enough, I want to say it clearly:

I learned about anti-Zionism and the movement to free Palestine from almost exclusively Jewish voices. People who have been referred to as "self-hating" when I post about them. They are voices I didn't seek out for their opinions on Palestine, but who shared their opinions with a level of love and passion that I admire deeply. They have gifted me with time and education, and they are the only reason I believe what I do today. Without these Jewish voices, I do believe I could have lost myself in the deliberate obfuscation that happens around this issue.

All of this being said, yes, please do share that I was able to help share queer stories that informed what you have created. But know, that everything I have made comes from a deep love and passion for justice that includes the Palestinian people.

[tongue-like-a-razor]

There Are Limits

Pete "Maverick" Mitchell x F!Reader

Summary: Maverick's new female friend brings out your spiteful nature. And seeing you with a new man is harder on Maverick than he'd like to admit.

CW: age gap, student/instructor dynamic, swearing, drinking, and did someone say bring on the angst?? Because you know I can deliver..

WC: 4000+

This is Part 5 in the There Are Rules universe.

“Captain?”

Maverick looks up when you step into his office. He’s sitting on the edge of his desk and there’s a woman standing between his legs, so close, she might as well be in his lap. When you enter, she steps away half-heartedly, looking slightly annoyed that her conversation with Maverick has been cut short.

Maverick’s cheeky grin falters when he sees you, and he clears his throat as he hops off his desk.

“Lieutenant,” he says. “How can I help you?”

You stare at him in shock, not sure how to react. The last several weeks haven’t been easy; in fact, you and Maverick have barely spoken since your mutual decision to terminate your romantic relationship. But seeing him with another woman is a whole new level of difficult.

“Lieutenant?” he says, lifting his eyebrows worriedly. He doesn’t bother to introduce his companion, with whom he is obviously very familiar.

You swallow around the lump in your throat and exhale slowly. Maverick isn’t the only expert in self-regulation. It’s a skill that’s proven quite useful, if not invaluable, during your tenure in the navy. And, although it’s always come naturally to you, recent events have seen that you receive plenty of practice. “Sir,” you say promptly, saluting Maverick in an entirely professional manner, as if you’ve never even had his tongue down your throat. “It’s about next week’s squadron dinner,” you say.

It's true that you meant to speak about the dinner – about how you were planning on skipping it to avoid an ever vigilant Cyclone who's been watching both you and Maverick like a hawk. Moreover, the less you see of Maverick these days, the better.

But the scene before you has severely shifted the trajectory of your plans. And the next thing that comes out of your mouth is hideously unrehearsed. “I was wondering if we were allowed a plus one,” you blurt out, your eyes darting pointedly between Maverick and his female friend.

Maverick stares at you mutely, as though it’s taking him a minute to process your request. “You want to bring a date?” he then asks, his eyes widening and subsequently narrowing in a matter of milliseconds.

You feel like you might sweat right through your uniform with the way he’s staring you down, but you stand your ground defiantly. “If I may,” you respond unemotionally; the way you’d address any other superior.

Maverick nods slowly, glancing at the woman who’s currently rifling through some papers on his desk. You ignore how comfortable she seems in his office, like she’s been here plenty of times before. “I don’t see that being a problem,” he says. “Who’s the lucky…?” His voice trails off and he lets out a nervous laugh. “Should be fun,” he finishes, giving you a wide, artificial-looking grin.

You smile back at him. “I agree.”

…

“Boyfriend,” Maverick says, his eyebrows shooting upward for a moment before he checks himself and pulls at the collar of his jacket as if it’s suddenly an uncomfortable fit.

You try not to acknowledge his reaction and instead introduce your date to some of your squadron mates. You’re not sure why Sam has decided to put a label on your relationship at this exact moment, but you’re not going to argue semantics in front of the one person you wouldn’t mind buying into this spectacle.

“It’s new,” you hear Sam blurt out, presumably cowering under the scrutiny of Maverick’s gaze.

You make a point not to look Maverick in the eye because you’re still upset about walking in on him last week when he was clearly otherwise engaged. But when Sam walks ahead, busy conversing with the other aviators, you feel a finger brush gently over the back of your hand. You pull both hands behind your back and square your shoulders to face your instructor.

Maverick is watching you solemnly. “This is good,” he whispers, although the tilt of his eyebrows says otherwise.

You can’t express how much it hurts to hear him referring to this situation as good, and yet, you nod, grinning rigidly. “It is,” you say, pausing to give him an opportunity to come clean about his own blossoming relationship.

But Maverick does nothing of the sort. Maverick is as unreadable as ever.

You’re about to walk away when the woman you’d seen in Maverick’s office appears from behind him. She nudges him on the shoulder to get his attention and shoots him a brilliant smile.

Maverick gives her a polite nod before turning back to you. “Lieutenant,” he says. “I’d like to introduce you to an old friend of mine.”

The woman beams at you and holds out her hand. “I’m Charlie,” she says.

You shake her hand and return her smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Charlie,” you say. “Are you an instructor at Top Gun as well?”

She chuckles, throwing Maverick a flirty glance. “Not for a while,” she responds, looking back at you. “Not since this one made me rethink that particular career choice.”

Maverick drops his head with a laugh. “Sorry about that, by the way,” he says.

Charlie shakes her head. “Don’t be,” she replies. “It all worked out.”

Maverick nods, looking at her affectionately. “Charlie went on to bigger and better things. And by bigger, I mean she went on to design rockets.”

“Wow,” you say, both impressed and jealous of the woman who seems to hold a special place in Maverick’s heart.

“And look at how far you’ve come,” Charlie says to Maverick.

Maverick grimaces. “I’m right back where I started,” he remarks. “Full circle.”

“You’re right back where you’re meant to be,” she says earnestly. “And I’m proud of you.”

Maverick shifts his weight uncomfortably, hooking his thumbs through the belt loops of his jeans. “We better grab a seat before Cyclone has an aneurysm,” he says.

You turn to see Cyclone watching the three of you with an irked expression from the table reserved for your group at the restaurant. He shakes his head ominously as you make your way toward the others. When the three of you arrive at the table, he mutters, “How gracious of you to join us.”

Maverick glances at him with a slight smirk but doesn’t say a word while Charlie lets out a small chuckle, taking her place beside Maverick at the table.

You lower yourself into the seat next to Sam, right across from Maverick and Charlie. Cyclone is sitting to Maverick’s right, aggressively perusing the menu.

“I hear the fish tacos are good here,” Maverick notes when Cyclone lays his menu down on the table in frustration.

Cyclone gives him a sour look. “Not a fish person,” he responds tartly.

You stifle a laugh, exchanging glances with Charlie, who is also snickering.

“There are non-fish tacos as well,” Maverick points out.

Cyclone nods grumpily. “Yes, I saw the entire section devoted to the various tacos they serve. I can read.”

Maverick bites the side of his lip to contain a grin. “Enchiladas,” he continues quietly, as if to himself. “Quesadillas, chiles rellenos…”

“I want a burger,” Cyclone declares, flipping through the menu anew.

Maverick shoots you an amused glance. “Let’s start with drinks,” he suggests, sliding a draft beer menu in front of his superior.

“Good idea.” Cyclone sighs theatrically, rolling his shoulders to loosen some tension.

“Hey, d’you want to share a couple of dishes?” Sam offers, tapping you on the arm to get your attention.

You glance over at him quickly, having almost forgotten he was there. “Sure.” You nod enthusiastically, even though it’s the last thing you would ever think to do.

Once all the drinks and food arrive, and you and Sam awkwardly try to allocate your respective shares of the dinner, Charlie pipes in. “How long have you two been together?” she asks, gesturing at you and Sam.

“It’s new,” Sam, the self-proclaimed boyfriend who has yet to work up the nerve to even kiss you, reiterates quickly while you chew on a quesadilla.

You wipe your mouth with a napkin before confirming, “Not long.”

Maverick’s eyes rest on you for a split second before he returns his attention to the ceviche in his bowl.

Meanwhile, Cyclone regards you with a dubious expression. “Where did you meet?” he asks gruffly.

“Through some friends,” Sam responds excitedly, as though it’s the most fascinating fact of the evening.

You take another bite of quesadilla and avoid looking directly at any of the three people sitting before you.

But Maverick cuts the silence short. “Is it serious?” he asks, and both you and Cyclone shoot him threatening glances. Charlie looks up from her plate, trying to interpret yours and Cyclone’s abrupt reactions.

Sam, meanwhile, is smiling blissfully to himself as he pokes at the contents of his fajita before rolling it up. “I’d say it has some potential of getting there,” he says.

You nearly choke on a pepper upon seeing Maverick’s expression transform from mild amusement to unequivocal displeasure. His jaw muscles contract as he forcefully stabs at his dinner with a fork.

Sam clears his throat nervously and speaks in a noticeably higher pitch, “Of course, I can’t predict the future.”

You roll your eyes and put a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “It’s none of his business, anyway,” you say.

To Maverick’s left, you see Charlie’s jaw drop slightly in her shock at your informal – bordering on impolite – addition to the conversation with your superior officer.

Cyclone chuckles quietly, finally appeased by your interaction with Maverick. “At last, something we can all agree on.”

Maverick smiles politely. “I was just making small talk,” he says, laying his fork down without finishing his meal.

Cyclone gives him a flat look and leans forward to address his friend. “Charlie, how long are you in town?”

While Charlie and Cyclone engage in conversation, Maverick catches your gaze inquisitively, as if he’s trying to figure you out. His eyes are so penetrating, you feel like he can see right through you. He must know that your relationship with Sam isn’t even close to being serious. He must know that you’re probably going to break it off that very evening. He must know you only brought him because you were hurt and you wanted to hurt him back. Because Maverick has reconnected with someone of significance and is involved in something meaningful.

You tear your gaze away from him irritably. You’re about done letting Maverick stir up your emotions without so much as saying a word. You’re about done caring for a man who’s done nothing but cause you pain.

You rise from your seat and excuse yourself, heading for the bathroom near the back of the restaurant. No sooner do you break through the door, than you collapse onto the nearest sink and break down. You don’t even care that your mascara is leaving streaks down your cheeks, or that the tears are clouding your vision. You don’t even care that your hands are gripping the basin so tightly that your fingers are cramping.

You glance up at your reflection in the mirror; pathetic. How did you let yourself fall this far? This hard? This fast? You run the tap and dab some cool water on your skin, patting at the trails of makeup that your crying spell has left behind.

You take a deep breath, staring at your glistening face with a scowl, preparing yourself for the remainder of the evening. But just as you make your way for the door, it opens, and Maverick enters.

You jerk back in surprise, despite his history of showing up in places he isn’t supposed to be.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

You panic. He knows. He knows that you ran away to cry. And this makes you furious. “I’m fine,” you respond curtly. “You shouldn’t be in here,” you add, gesturing to the door behind him.

He pulls his eyebrows together like he isn’t quite convinced. “You’re not okay,” he says.

You grit your teeth in anger. He can’t just ignore you for weeks and then try to comfort you like he gives a shit about your feelings. “Why are you here, Maverick?”

Maverick presses his lips into a thin line and breathes out steadily. “I was worried about you.”

You scoff resentfully. “Don’t be.”

Maverick sighs and lowers his head. “I can’t help it.”

You attempt to keep your voice even despite all the shaking your body is doing. “You better go, Captain,” you say spitefully. “Before Cyclone finds us. Or Charlie.”

He watches you soberly. “You asked me to stay,” he reminds you.

You stare wistfully into his eyes. He’s right, of course. You’re the reason he’s still here. Your relationship with him has been strained but civil since the incident on the carrier. There has been a mutual effort to avoid unnecessary encounters, and an unspoken understanding that, while romance is out of the question, it will take some time for both of you to move on completely. Obviously, you did not expect him to move on by moving in on someone new. Or old, in the case of Charlie, because the two of them go way back, apparently.

You struggle to remember why you’d wanted this – wanted him to stay despite knowing that nothing would ever come of it. In the moment, you were desperate not to lose him. But watching him carry on as though nothing ever happened between the two of you is absolute torture. You’d rather not witness just how little you actually meant to him.

You shrug. “Error in judgement, I guess,” you respond coldly, echoing his words from the night Cyclone had caught the two of you in the parking lot of the Hard Deck.

Maverick nods. “Been there,” he says pensively before turning to walk out. Just before he does, however, he glances back at you and adds, “I’ll wait out here until you’re ready.”

“Don’t,” you say.

Maverick meets your gaze with a weary look. “I’m not leaving.”

“What’s Cyclone going to think when the two of us come back together from the bathroom?”

Maverick shrugs. “I have no control over what Cyclone thinks.”

“What’s Charlie going to think?”

Maverick pauses in the doorway. “What’s Sam going to think?”

You roll your eyes. “He won’t even notice.”

Maverick watches you quietly for a moment, then says. “I doubt that very much.”

You lick your lips as a fresh round of tears threatens to obscure your eyesight. The fact that Sam isn’t here to check on you but Maverick is has not escaped you. “Go, please,” you whisper.

Maverick wavers slightly on the spot and, after a brief interval, holds his hand out to you. You glance down at it hesitantly as your stomach flips violently at the though of touching him again. Clearly, you’re angry with him, but the part of you that loves him always wins.

Slowly, you step forward and place your hand in his. He pulls you in the moment you make contact, wrapping his arms around you as he releases the door to the bathroom. He lets his face drop, pressing his mouth to the top of your head.

After a prolonged – mostly silent – embrace, you detach yourself from his arms and give him a nod. “I’m ready,” you say.

Maverick nods back without a word and then opens the door for you.

…

It’s past midnight when you hear the knocking, followed by some irregular footsteps and a string of quiet – but still audible – curse words. After a moment of hesitation, you unlock the door.

“Captain?”

Maverick is standing in the corridor before you, although calling it ‘standing’ might be a bit of a stretch. He’s not exactly stable on his feet.

You glance up and down the hallway to make sure that no one has seen him. “What are you doing here?”

Maverick is watching you with a squared jaw, as though he means to keep the purpose of his visit to himself. He breathes his frustration out through his nose before veering right into the doorframe.

“Sir!” you exclaim, grabbing a hold of his arm like you might have any chance of keeping him upright were he to topple over.

“Sir?” he murmurs, and you could smell the liquor on his breath. He catches your gaze now that you’re closer and, in another moment, his eyes begin to slip down your face before they finally close. “I told you,” he says, his mouth twitching as he grimaces. He pushes past you into the room.

You quickly close the door behind him, hoping nobody heard the commotion. Praying he’ll have the sense to keep his voice down.

But Maverick, it seems, isn’t nearly as concerned as you are about disturbing your neighbors. He rounds on you with a resentful expression and shakes his head. “I knew this would happen.”

You blink at him in confusion. “What?” you say. “What happened?”

“You happened,” Maverick says defeatedly. He takes a step toward you, his eyes flitting between yours as if he’s checking to see if you can relate.

But it’s a weekday and you had just drifted off to sleep when he’d started drumming on your door, so you’re not exactly following. You furrow your eyebrows. “I happened to what?” you ask.

Maverick watches you miserably, taking a step back now, as though he can’t decide which is worse: being closer or farther away from the source of all his troubles. “You two make a fine pair,” he manages to say, but not without a break in his voice.

You purse your lips, looking away from him. You’re not going to comfort a man who’s standing in his own way. After all, it was his decision not to be with you. Besides, Maverick brought his own date to the dinner, so you aren’t feeling overly sympathetic.

Maverick tears his gaze away from you and smacks a hand over his face. “What am I doing here, Lieutenant?”

It’s a fair question, to be sure; one you wouldn’t mind knowing the answer to, yourself. But you’re more immediately concerned about the consequences of Maverick’s unsanctioned visit to your quarters than the reasons behind it. “Maverick, it’s the middle of the night,” you say, shocked at how firm you sound despite the tremor travelling through you.

Maverick’s eyebrows converge and he shifts his jaw as his eyes well up with tears. “Yeah,” he whispers, nodding slowly.

“And you’re drunk,” you add when he takes a step toward you again.

“I am,” he admits, still in a whisper.

You ignore the stutter of your heart as he nears. “You can’t be here,” you warn.

He watches you wretchedly, giving his head a subtle shake. “I can’t,” he agrees.

You can hardly breathe when he finally stops before you, his soft eyes trailing down your face. His hand is coasting up the side of your neck before you even know what’s happening, and by the time his fingertips are hovering at the nape of your neck, you’re so lost in his gaze, it’s a miracle you’re still standing. Unsurprisingly, you aren’t in the state of mind to respond.

“I lied,” he says with a slight rasp despite the effort he’s exerting to steady his voice. “I think he’s terrible for you.”

You blink at him, taken aback. “Excuse me?”

“Sam,” he says. “He’s not the one.”

You pride yourself on your patience and understanding, even in trying circumstances; you’re not an unreasonable person by any means. But even you have limits. And, tonight, Maverick is testing every last one. “Are you the one?”

Maverick stares at you, his eyes swimming. Slowly, he shakes his head. “No, I’m not.”

You breathe out forcefully, astonished at his audacity. There is only so much you can let this man get away with. “Then, respectfully, shut the fuck up,” you hiss, pushing past him aggressively. You whip around sharply and point at the door. “Get out.”

…

The following afternoon in the briefing room, Maverick reviews the morning's flight footage with barely a look in your direction. He doesn’t even comment on the impulsive maneuver you pulled that left your partner confused and resulted in an uncoordinated hustle to regain momentum, costing your team valuable seconds that could have ended in tragedy were it a real dogfight.

Once the briefing is finished and the room begins to clear out, Maverick approaches your desk. “Can I have a minute, Lieutenant?” he asks in a subdued sort of tone.

You glance up at him grudgingly but don’t respond until the last of the pilots have left the room. “Is it about the Cobra Climb?” you ask monotonously.

“What?” He quirks his head in confusion before briefly closing his eyes and shaking his head. “No,” he says, and then adds, more emphatically, “No.” He lets out a heavy sigh and lifts a leg over the chair in front of your desk, sitting on it backwards to face you. “I want to apologize to you.”

You groan. “Not again.”

Maverick steals a glance at the door, ensuring that the two of you are still alone, and then he lays a hand over yours on the desk. “I’m sorry about last night. Showing up at your place – less than sober.” Maverick lowers his gaze with a disappointed frown. “I – I had no right. I have no right,” he says, looking back up at you. His eyes flit between yours imploringly, burdened with all the guilt he carries.

“Stop,” you say assertively, pulling your hand out from under his grasp. You can’t listen to another word. This entire relationship has been a series of failures in self-control, each one a ‘mistake’ in Maverick’s eyes for which he subsequently has taken full responsibility. You rise from your seat and gather your things mutely.

“Y/N,” he says hoarsely, standing up after you.

You shake your head. “I don’t need another apology, sir,” you say bitterly. “I just need some space.”

Maverick nods. “Of course,” he says. “And I’ve been denying you that – and I apologize –”

“I said, stop!” you exclaim, shooting him a threatening look.

Maverick trails you as you make your way to the door – the exact opposite of your request. You rush out of the briefing room, and he follows, not far behind. Thankfully, there’s no one in the hallway because he’s behaving irrationally, to say the least. He reaches for your arm and pulls you around to face him.

You gulp, staggering the moment you meet his gaze, the aching in his eyes undermining your determination.

“Let me finish,” he pleads in a whisper.

You exhale sharply. “Finish, then.”

Maverick slowly lets his hand fall away from your arm now that you’re no longer a flight risk and, this alone, hurts, because you want him to hold you forever. Even when you’re fuming, even when you’re yelling, even when you hate him.

“Seeing you,” he says slowly, evenly, as though he’s trying to compose himself as he’s talking. He takes a breath and tries again. “With another man –”

“Come on.” You scoff, even though your heart is already buzzing at the thrill of making Maverick jealous. “You can’t expect me to not date –”

“I don’t expect that,” he says. “Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.”

You think about the way you felt seeing him with Charlie and you’re instantly sorry for causing him that much pain, regardless of whether it was intentional or not.

“I was angry,” he says quietly. “At myself, mostly…” he trails off, moving his head to the side and lowering his gaze. “But also at you. And I blamed you for the way you make me feel.” He pulls his bottom lip under his teeth and grimaces. “But that’s not your fault,” he whispers shakily. “That’s on me.”

You bite into your lip to keep it steady. You wish you could look away because the devastation on his face is undoing you, but you aren’t strong enough. You take a step back and take a shuddering breath. “Please don’t look at me like that,” you say, your voice unsteady. You can barely get a grasp on his words because you’re too absorbed in his eyes.

Maverick’s eyebrows lift inward, as if your request has him concerned – or confused. “Like what?”

You roll your eyes – as if he doesn’t know like what. “Like that!” you respond as he takes a step toward you in alarm. “Just stop!” You sigh in frustration, unable to articulate your thoughts because his eyes are still commanding all of your attention.

“Where am I supposed to look?” he asks, agitated.

“It’s the way you’re looking at me,” you explain angrily.

“Are you listening to what I’m saying?” he asks urgently. “I need you to hear me.”

You shut your eyes and shake your head. “Enough, Maverick!” you exclaim.

Maverick stills immediately, watching you uneasily.

“You’ve been tiptoeing around me, treating me like I’m injured or in need of assistance –”

“I’m not –”

“You are and I’m tired of it. Why didn’t you call me out on the Cobra Climb?”

Maverick stares at you like you’re unhinged. “You want me to reprimand you?”

You let out a heavy sigh. “If you’re going to be my instructor – just my instructor – then instruct me. It was an idiot move and I shouldn’t have done it.”

“You were distracted –”

“You’re making excuses for me! Why?”

“Don’t question my teaching methods,” Maverick says in a low voice.

You scoff, shaking your head. “You’re afraid of confrontation so you’ve been avoiding me. You didn’t even think to give me a heads up about Charlie!”

Maverick narrows his eyes. “What about Charlie?”

“Whatever,” you grumble. “Just don’t stand here and proclaim that my bringing a date to the squadron dinner somehow threw you for a loop.”

Maverick studies you silently so you boldly meet his gaze. His jaw is set but there’s a tenderness in his eyes that nearly draws you in.

“Stop coddling me,” you say firmly.

You watch his Adam’s apple rise then fall as he gulps down whatever retort he decides to keep to himself. His jaw muscles contract once more as his eyes settle over your face.

You tear your gaze away. “And quit looking at me like you…” You sigh, unsure how to describe the inimitable combination of exasperation and affection you see in his eyes.

“Like what?” he asks, his voice rising in volume. You can tell that he’s becoming increasingly defensive as your blows continue.

You’re annoyed that he’s annoyed and you blurt the words out before you can stop yourself. “Like you’re in love with me or –”

“I CAN’T LOOK AT YOU ANY OTHER WAY!” he roars.

You freeze. Stunned by the volume of his voice. Stunned by the emphatic delivery. Stunned at his words.

He turns away in a huff, placing one hand on his hip while the other is balled up into a fist at his mouth.

“This was your idea,” you say quietly as he slowly turns back to look at you. You aren’t the one who refuses to even try, and he needs to acknowledge that.

“I know,” he whispers, his eyes brimming with tears.

You clench your teeth to keep your mouth from trembling. “Then stop,” you implore.

He shakes his head, pulling his lips into a rigid line. “I don’t know how.”

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[romaevelizz]

Crush Culture˖ ࣪⊹

IV. Just open your mind

sum: Dose he finally admit it? That maybe a a crush isn’t so bad that being interested in someone is okay? He doesn’t know though what if he’s just about to waste his time.

warnings: cursing, flirting, not proofread, jealousy, Nekomas being protective over their manager, tsukii having wondering eyes.

(V.)

.˚₊‧ ── ⋆��☆⋅⋆ ── ‧₊˚.

A few says in Yamaguchi could tell something was up, that his best friend was dealing with something but didn’t open up about it. Kei seemed more… spacious. Like he wasn’t fully there. How his gaze would linger a bit longer in the distance how, that he seemed to be more focused yet so distracted at the time. Maybe he was just having a moment, he was still himself.

Then he would notice it, how the tips of Kei’s ears turned red when he would talk to the second year manager. How he played with his finger as he spoke to her that his eyes didn’t wander if as she talked to him helping with whatever she asked. That when Noya would ask about it he was quickly dismissive about her. Tadashi wanted to ask, he wanted to bring it up but didn’t want to make his best friend upset. He knew Kei didn’t like the idea of being interested in somebody, that is was stupid, crush culture was to normalize and a waste of time.

“Tsukii?” He asked, the two of them walking out of the gym.

Tsukishima hummed listening to his friend, “Can I ask you something with out you getting upset.” Yamaguchi asked.

He noticed Tsukishimas eyebrow raise “What is it?”

“Do you like Nekomas Manager…?”

Tsukishima stoped dead in his track, yamaguchi stoped a little after him looking back at his best friend. His brows frowned slightly but his face all around looked blank, yet grossed out at the same time. Kei opened his mouth but closed it before anything came out, his gaze shifting to the ground. The silence around them heavy the sound of crickets and frogs could be heard within the summer night. The faint sounds of shoes squeaking against gym floors as teams still practice voices of other players heard. But the two of them stayed silent, Tsukishima almost debating in his head to answer.

“I don’t know..” he spoke, his voice barely audible.

Yamaguchi watche as Tsukishima looked at the plan of his hands for a moment before speaking. “Sh-she makes me nervous, like actually nervous Tadashi..” his eyes met Yamaguchis, “She has this attitude that doesn’t irritate me like other do, her snarky or teasing remarks make me blush like a fucking school girl. Her bratty attitude and cockiness is so annoying yet it doesn’t make me angry or upset. She didn’t take my shit either always saying something back with this amused look…”

Tsukishima laughed at himself “ I find myself always looking for her, in the practice matches to see if she’s maybe looking at me. I look for her in other gyms, even at the dining hall. Even if she’s not looking at me I continue to look at her, is it stupid to say I like the way she looks. Her face.. it UGH. It’s so fucking stupid, i barely know her I- I don’t even know how to start an actual conversation with her and every time I have it’s something quick just a comment and I walk away like a loser. It’s so lame.” He groaned, confessing to his friend.

“So you do like her, it’s okay-“

“I know it’s okay but.. what if I end up wasting my time. I put in effort just to get hurt in the end? That she didn’t feel the same about me? That what if I do something, would she stay? Stay with me not shut me out after an argument or because I said something that just broke her heart. I no good with words and I’m.. I’m not nice when I’m upset. God and most of the time I don’t notice that I’m like that nor do I feel bad after the fact..” he sighed rubbing his eyes his glasses lifting off his face.

Tadashi stood in front of his friend, a soft smile on his face. “Kei.. I’m no love expert but you seem smitten. And as much as I wish I could give you the reassurance that nothing bad will happen that’s not how it works with relationships, love even. Time will tell, she’ll either from how highly you speak of her now she’ll either be your worst heartbreak or someone you die old with.”

Tsukishima laughed, Tadashi only smiled small laughs leaving his mouth “Don’t tell anyone about this. I swear to god.” Tsukishima spoke still laughing.

“I wont I promise!” Tadashi smiled his hand falling on Kei’s shoulders.

“You’re my best friend Tadashi.. but I will hunt you down.”

Tadashi chuckled “I wont.” Putting his pinky finger up, tsukishima linking his with Yamaguchis.

The pair soon entered the dining hall for dinner. Everyone sitting at tables as they are the teams mixed up making it harder to find a spot to sit, everyone talking amongst themselves. Tsukishimas stiffened the feeling of a hand touching his arm startling him.

“Sorry didn’t mean to make you jump stalker, do you and your friend wann come sit with me and a few of my guys?” Y/n asked smiling.

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi looked at one another “Yeah that would be nice thank you!” Yamaguchi answered her.

She nodded her head having them follow her, he noticed how her braids were put into this low buns two red ribbons helping hold them together, extra curls falling loose from them. Tsukishimas eyes slightly wondering the black shirt she wore was cropped slightly and tight, not a lot the red joggers she wore more baggy than the uniform he usually saw her in the sides saying ‘Nekoma Volleyball Club’ down the sides. They sat low on her hips he could see two rhinestones on her lower back, piercings?

Yamaguchi elbowing him lightly, pretty much telling him to stop staring at her ass. Tsukishima glaring lightly. “I wasn’t.”

“Mmhm”

The stoped at a table her putting her tray down next to a guy with longer hair blonde but grown out his roots black. “I invited some friends, this is Tuskishima, and his friend Yamaguchi.” She spoke as the two sat next to her Kei in the middle of her and Tadashi.

The both said hi, “this is a little bit of my team and others they’ll introduce themselves unless y’all know each other already.” She said smiling.

They knew Kuroo and Bokuto, as well as Akaashi. Yamamoto, Fukunaga, kenma and lev had introduced themselves. They all talked amongst themselves, her talking with them aswell, she was close with her team members and got along with them. Her body was close to his, a small shiver of her body because of kenma pushing her against him. “Be careful!” She pushed Kenma back him dramatically falling into Yaku.

“You see this? This abuse she puts me through.” Kenma spoke out to the table.

She snorted turning back to her food, she could hear Tsukishima next to her laugh lightly aswell her eyes glancing at him a smile on her face “whatever,”

She didn’t move back after her push, her thigh pushed up against his there arms touching. Yamaguchi watched as his friends face became pink, the blonde pushing up his glasses before continuing to eat. She acted as if nothing was happening that her thigh was pushed up against him, that her foot tapped his. But he didn’t move away from her touch, he didn’t want to. His eyes meeting hers as he turned his head.

“How long have you been playing Volleyball?” She asked. Turning her body towards him.

“Since I was a kid just something I picked up.” He spoke.

“Do you not like.. enjoy it?”

He shrugged “I don’t hate it keeps me busy ya know, did you play any sports?” He asked.

“I did, when I lived in the states, I played soccer, did gymnastics also.” She explained

“Weren’t you gonna go for an American team? That’s what it’s called right?” Kuroo said.

“Yeah but moved.. and I could’ve continued here but was mad at my dad for moving us across the world.” She said, looking over at him.

“That’s why you quit? Out of spite?” Tsukishima asked. It came out more snarky than wanted.

“I didn’t quit, but I did try for a team her in Tokyo one of the best but didn’t have a great experience, the girls were mean, I didn’t appreciate getting body shamed.” She hummed, her face dropping a bit.

“That’s fucked,”

“They were jealous.” She smiled.

Tuskishima nodded, kuroo kept the conversation going. Getting y/n and Tuskishima to talk a bet more, the two learning a lot about each other. Even after eating they continued to talk. Kuroo knew what he was doing, he liked the blonde he was a player that needed more of a push and he knew that she would do that. But he could feel the flirty tension between them, it was light but noticeable to him. She was always nice and out going with people but she seemed a bit different something only him and Kenma noticed but kept to themselves.

“You should come practice with us after dinner.” Kuroo spoke interrupting their conversation.

“I’m al-”

“You should you’re a hell of a blocker, but need a bit more.. hmm sturdiness? Kuroo is one of the best I know good to have someone to help out.” She said to him cutting the blonde of.

Tsukishimas eyes moving from hers to kuroos a smirk on his lips making kei glare, “I’m alright thanks though..” he answered.

He went. He went to that stupid gym, just because she went after cleaning up. Kuroo giving him a sassy remark when he walked in with her. Tuskishima glancing at her before joining them.

Her eyes never left him, analyzing and down right admiring him. He seemed more locked in them earlier when she was watching him, he seemed so unserious about Vollyball but he isn’t so nonchalant about it, he only seems that way because something happened. He started playing this sport out of spite, and now he’s actually starting to enjoy it. She watch how he listened to kuroo as he explained to him how to fix something little bit over all helped. She could tell his hands and fingers were starting to hurt how he constantly rubbed them.

“Hun do you want me to wrap your fingers I can..” she spoke reaching into her bag. Tuskishimas eyes looking over towards her watching as she waved him over.

He offered his hand out to her no hesitation, her hands were cold against his. Her hands calloused yet so soft, while his where rough and warm, her hands were gentle as she taped his fingers. His eyes watched her his head tilting slightly.

‘Just open your mind to new things Kei’ the sound of his moms voice ringing through his ears. He had to open his mind, allow himself to let her in. To know the real him. It be hard, hard he didn’t want to have his heart broke but how could she when she treated him with such care. How she looked as him so.. intimately. He’d never admit to himself, to her, to his mother, to Tadashi. He was scared. Scared of these feelings he was feeling.

Her eyes looked up noticing his brows frowned “Tsukishi-”

“Call me Kei, please.”

[what-do-1000-swords-look-like]

I'm finishing up my rewatch of season 3 of The Boys before I begin my SPN rewatch (got 2 more episodes left) and watching Jensen's performance as Soldier Boy just absolutely floors me.

It floors me because I've seen antis time and time again claim that Soldier Boy/Ben was essentially Dean in a superhero suit, that Jensen has one note acting, that he watered down the character by refusing to do scenes that made him uncomfortable (especially by one anti blog in particular who claims to be an acting expert, you know the one), and that his acting is very bland.

But in studying his performance because I'm studying the character (for writing purposes), these people couldn't be more wrong. I will admit that the only time I got a semi-Dean vibe from him was during the scene where Soldier Boy tells Butcher about his father. Which doesn't surprise me because Jensen himself said he leaned into the Dean/John dynamic for that scene.

But otherwise, I don't see anywhere where their claims hold any water. I mean, have you actually watched his scenes?

This scene is so important. Annie is getting ready to face off with this guy and even though she knows he's dangerous (after seeing he results of one of his explosions up close and personal), but she has no idea how dangerous, not really. This isn't Dean. This isn't Beau. This is the dangerous side of Solider Boy and had Hughie not intervened, there's a good possibility shit would have gone even more sideways. Especially, with Ben coming off of the confrontation with Countess, her hitting him where it hurts the most (meaning she tapped into one of his biggest insecurities. That explosion wasn't an accident (like NYC or even at Herogasm with the Twins). Ben didn't black out here. That's shown to us by there being no Russian trigger, despite him learning that Countess and his team handed him over back in 1984 and didn't even get paid for it.

I mean, look at this expression right here. His body is moving but his eyes don't. He's getting into position, ready to take out the next threat. Only when Hughie steps in and Annie's eyes dim does he step away, assessing her as not a threat. This is the weapon that is deadly enough to take on Homelander and no matter where you stand on Jensen as an actor, he pulls it off here.

The physicality he utilized in this role speaks volumes. And it's not about Soldier Boy being a Supe or being in a suit or having to look pissed off all the time (minus the few times he's amused). It has to do with how he embodies that character, carries him, and if he pulls it off. Spoiler alert: he did.

This scene exemplifies exactly what I'm talking about. I have watched it countless times and this part of it always sticks out to me every single time. Look at that expression, look at the eyes. Ben is not going all out to sell this belief let's call it to Hughie. He's giving him a look that says "this is the truth and you better believe it or else". He's not smiling for news cameras or doing propaganda or greeting fans of his movies decades prior. He's not selling the Soldier Boy is America's Greatest Hero image here. He's subtly threatening Hughie, and this is where he begins to have an issue with him. Because Ben wants to see himself as the good guy, something Kripke, Jensen, and the cast have talked about in promoting the season. In his own mind, he is the good guy; he's a legend in his own mind so to speak. He's bought the hype about himself. And anyone who doesn't see him that way is an enemy aka a threat.

It doesn't mean he doesn't know he's doing things that aren't right (as we saw in those outtakes of the 'Don't-do-drugs' commercial). He's very self-aware but he justifies it to himself because he's Soldier Boy and almost like Homelander always says, he can do what he wants. Not necessarily that he has a god-mentality that rivals Homelander's but everything is justifiable in his mind because he's a Supe, or more precisely the Supe, and he's protecting his country. And it also keeps that insecurity of being a disappointment at bay that he has from his childhood. It's all layered into his make-up so to speak. So not only is Hughie a threat (not physically obviously but to Ben's image of himself) but is also bordering dangerously close to reminding him of the very thing he hates: a mirror that reminds him that maybe his dad was right about him (not saying he was, I'm saying this is potentially what is running through his mind). So not only does it share a brilliant parallel between Hughie and Annie when it comes to Soldier Boy that eventually plays out beautifully in the Tower Scene in the finale, but it also is sewn into the issue between Hughie and Annie this season in their own relationship.

But the way Jensen plays that scene is phenomenal because if you watch it, you realize if Hughie says one wrong thing, he may be in trouble.

Which is then continued in this scene:

In this scene, Hughie is mentioning there's a lot of people inside Herogasm and here we get Ben's reaction to Hughie saying that. Then he tells Hughie as long as the people stay out of his way they should be fine. But again, watch how he says it, his expression, focus on his tone, his body movement. He clearly is not happy that Hughie says this (it literally is a continuation from the hotel room scene) and again has that subtle threat vibe, even with Butcher standing there (because let's face it, to him, even with temp V, Butcher is no threat). And of course, we all know the slap scene and the punch scene that happens later. Not only does Hughie get switched out for Ryan later on who Butcher ends up protecting from Soldier Boy, but it all plays out beautifully as all of the connections, overt and subtle, unfold throughout the season.

But back to Jensen's performance. There is so much to appreciate in how he fully embodied this character. And that's not saying it through an AA haze of "omg he's so hawt!" or "omg did you see his ass?" That's appreciating the amount of work that he put into this role when the cameras started rolling. He literally became Soldier Boy and he embodied him even outside of the suit.

As an actor, Jensen is very nuanced. He consistently adds in these little things that help make the character even more multi-dimensional than what is written on the page or what is called for int he scene and how it's blocked. This is why there is a certain small group of people on here that repeatedly talk about Jacting Joices, it's not just related to Supernatural or Destiel or Dean. It's about Jensen as an actor, as a performer, and how much he actually pours into these characters he plays. Whether it be the way he moves (or walks), or the expressions he uses, his eyes (yep, he does that too, see above), with his hands, even down to the way he delivers a line. All actors do this in their own way obviously, lean into physicality as well as their performance, but he definitely has his own unique style that I just don't see anyone else replicating. I think there's a reason so many people say no one else could have played Dean the way he could have for example. And if you watch his characters, really watch them, you'll see what he does each and every time. Even smaller characters like Jason from Smallville or Tom from My Bloody Valentine or Alec from Dark Angel. It's all right there on the screen.

So I guess my whole long point is I don't get why antis rip him apart when it comes to this role of Soldier Boy (other than being antis I guess) or say he can't act or that has no idea how to properly analyze his character because he actually did put a ton of work into this specific character (as well as all the others he's done) and you can clearly see it as you watch his scenes in the show. While I wish we could have seen Homelander and Soldier Boy go at it a bit more, and see Soldier Boy truly unleash that Alpha-ness of being the original Supe like had been talked about in promotions and interviews, it doesn't diminish that this character was fascinating and he brought it to life from the script in a way that complemented his own unique style as a performer.

tl;dr Jensen crushed Soldier Boy and Ben (yes, two different characters to embody actually) and I cannot wait to see more of him in any future Boys-related visual story telling, on the show or others.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

“But I recall every physical detail of the scene. The daffodils out, the new grass sprouting, a jet taking off from Heathrow, heading west, unusually low, its engines making my chest vibrate.” I’m no Harry expert but this does not sound like him or how he’d speak. To me, this has his wife’s writing style all over it. It’s like she’s writing about something she heard from Harry, doesn’t have all the details, and filled in with her overwrought style. I don’t think Harry is deep enough to take in his surrounding this way and she likes to think she is deeper than the puddle she actually is.

Ask from July 8th

I kinda agree - I agree that this definitely isn't Harry but I disagree that it's Meghan. I think it's Moehringer at work here, because it's too writerly.

Meghan's style is more word salady and she likes long abstractly-descriptive compound sentences, so I'd expect her to handiwork to wax poetic more on springtime than the direction and effect of an airplane.

Moehringer is also descriptive, but he uses short phrases and metaphors. It's not as eye-rolly as Meghan's descriptions, which is the best way I can describe it (but yes, I can and do fully admit to being biased against Meghan because, well, she's Meghan).

Anyway, you can decide for yourself.

Here's an example of Meghan's writing, from her Thanksgiving 2020 op-ed:

Hours later, I lay in a hospital bed, holding my husband’s hand. I felt the clamminess of his palm and kissed his knuckles, wet from both our tears. Staring at the cold white walls, my eyes glazed over. I tried to imagine how we’d heal...Sitting in a hospital bed, watching my husband’s heart break as he tried to hold the shattered pieces of mine, I realized that the only way to begin to heal is to first ask, “Are you OK?”

Here's a sample of Moehringer's writing, from his Pulitzer Prize-winning article, Crossing Over:

White folks say a ferry would bring the modern world at last to this rural wilderness 60 miles southwest of Montgomery, where the heat-crazed insects sound like a million clocks ticking; where only two businesses exist, a post office the size of a phone booth and a general store with nothing on its shelves; where the night sky is unbroken by a single street lamp or stop light, and Orion feels close enough to gather in your fist, like a cluster of fireflies. Mary Lee knows better. A ferry would also bring tourists and hunters and developers and criminals and snoops. In other words, the end of Gee's Bend, the last place on Earth still safe enough for children and dead folks to go walking after dark. 'When you can sit in a place,' she says, 'and everybody be lovely--no fussing, no killing. To me, this don't even seem like the USA.'

[matthewfuckinggraygubler]

The Art of Getting to Know - Pt 4

· Pairing: Spencer Reid/OC

· Category: Fluff, Angst

· Warning: None

· Words: 1902

· Parts: Pt 1 · Pt 2 · Pt3

· Summary : Eli, a psychology expert and old friend of Luke's, joins the UAC as a consultant and quickly bonds with Spencer Reid. As they delve into a complex case, Eli and Spencer find themselves drawn to each other on a deeper level.

· Note about Eli: Her neurodivergence is implied but it's never really said.

· Spanish on Wattpad. English isn’t my first language, be kind!

· Masterlist

· P O V E L I ·

I was exhausted. My hands were shaking as I went over the reports again and again, looking for mistakes that weren’t there. Everything in my life seemed like chaos. The new job demanded more from me than I could give, my colleagues were still strangers, and dealing with two jobs at once… it was too much.

On top of that, there was Spencer. His presence affected me more than I was willing to admit, and the tension between us only seemed to grow. Every word he said, every look he gave me, left me reeling, as if the ground beneath my feet was slowly disappearing. He had sent me a message a couple of nights ago, and it made me feel good, but… Nothing seemed to have changed between us.

Today, however, everything exploded. I was alone in the office. Everyone had gone home, and I stayed because I didn’t want to return to the silence of my house. Deep down, I was afraid to face my own thoughts, what I was feeling, the stress, the exhaustion. “I can’t do this anymore… I can’t… no, no, don’t think like that, of course, you can…” I was so drained and overwhelmed, so mentally agitated that I couldn’t sleep. I flipped through the pages, reviewed the notes, and saw nothing, nothing in those damned reports that would help me, not even a pat on the back. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help it. The tears started falling uncontrollably, and within minutes, I was sobbing. The damn Niagara on my face, I had to be heard throughout the office. Not even watching “Hachiko” made me cry like this. “What’s happening to me?”

I tried to cover my face with my hands, as if that could hide my vulnerability, the feeling of being completely useless, but it was no use. I felt broken, exposed.

Then, I heard footsteps.

—Eli… —It was Spencer. His voice pulled me out of my thoughts, but I didn’t have the strength to lift my head.

I stayed silent, trying to hold back the sobs, but only managed to cry harder. God, how ashamed I was for him to see me like this.

Spencer didn’t say anything else. Instead, he approached slowly, and soon I felt his hand on my shoulder. It was a gentle touch, almost hesitant, but at the same time comforting. Without a word, he sat next to me. I could feel his presence, the closeness of his body, and far from calming me, it made the tears flow even more intensely.

—You don’t have to pretend —he whispered warmly, making me feel safe by his side, his head close to mine in a comforting gesture.

—I'm not… —I tried to say something, anything, but my voice cracked.

Spencer didn’t push. He just stayed there, in silence, letting me release everything I had been holding in. And without realizing how it happened, I leaned into him. It was an instinctive move, seeking refuge in his closeness. He didn’t say anything when I rested my head on his shoulder; he just wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer.

For a moment, everything else disappeared. There were no reports, no jobs, no tension… just him, holding me, and me letting myself be vulnerable. And in that instant, I realized that the tension that tormented us had a name.

I stayed there for a while, curling up until the sobs stopped, and he held me without speaking, without moving for as long as I needed. From the way we were sitting, each in a chair, I knew he couldn’t be comfortable, but he didn’t complain. I could feel his breath over my head, and occasionally he took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. I could smell him. “God, how he smells…” and **how his fingers drummed lightly on my shoulder, which relaxed me.

When I pulled away, he looked at me, bringing his hands to my face, holding it gently with a warm smile. With his thumbs, he wiped away the traces of dried tears and kissed my forehead. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t react; I was drained.

—I'm taking you home. —That was all I heard.

· P O V S P E N C E R ·

After what happened with Eli, it was hard for me to focus on anything other than her. The image of her tears, her body trembling in my arms, kept replaying in my mind. But I knew I couldn’t lose focus. Work was still a priority, even when my mind played tricks on me every time I saw her.

Eli and I were going over reports that seemed endless in the common room. The silence was comfortable, though there was an underlying tension that we both pretended to ignore, although at least we didn’t seem as awkward as before.

—Thanks for last night… —she said suddenly, breaking the silence as she placed a file on the table. She wasn’t looking directly at me.

I glanced at her sideways, trying to figure out what else she might be thinking, but her expression was hard to read.

—You don’t have to thank me. We all have our moments. —I tried to downplay it, though the weight of what had happened between us made my words feel clumsy.

Eli let out a sigh but didn’t add anything else. Instead, she dove back into work. As the night wore on, the conversation between us became lighter, almost intimate, as if that small moment we had shared earlier had allowed us to open a door that had been closed. We even laughed, and that laugh… “How can it be so beautiful…?” We returned to old habits, like going for snacks and coffee, and I took the chance to leave one on her desk with a note when she went to the bathroom, like we used to do before. I couldn’t help myself; I wrote: “Are we good?”

Eli came back from the bathroom and saw the coffee. I saw her smile, and she immediately looked at me, but when she read the note, her expression turned sad, and I could see her lower her gaze.

—Eli…?

She immediately lifted her head, looking at me with an expression I couldn’t decipher. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t read her face; it only happened with her. Her look was like a puzzle I never managed to solve. With no one else did I feel so lost.

—Why have you been so tense lately? —I asked, trying to keep my tone neutral, though deep down I was dying to know if the tension between us was just in my head, if something was going on with her, or… “I think I’m being an idiot with her.”

Eli remained silent for a moment. I could see her biting her lip, clearly uncomfortable with the question.

—I think… I've been a bit overwhelmed. —she let out with a cynical laugh, almost a sigh, something she had to release, something that seemed to suffocate her. —It’s not just work. It’s… everything. The work, the new colleagues… you. —she finally admitted, speaking more to herself than to me.

I froze at hearing that last part. I tried to stay impassive, but something inside me stirred. “Me? What have I done to add more weight to her burden? I knew I did something. I’m a complete idiot…”

—Me..? No.. Eli, I-I… I’m sorry, really, whatever it is, forgive me. I never meant to make you feel bad. Tell me what it is, please, it won’t happen again. —I suddenly started rambling apologies without even knowing what I had done to make her feel so bad, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to see her smile again.

—It's complicated. You haven’t done anything wrong, really, it’s not your fault, it’s mine. And honestly, it’s stupid. —she said, and her tone sounded almost like an apology. I felt very confused because she was laughing awkwardly, and I didn’t know what was happening. —I… I’m sorry. —That’s all she said.

—Come on, tell me what it’s about. You can’t tell me something is bothering you about me and not tell me what it is.

After a sigh, she spoke. —It’s just… it’s… I mean… When you talked about that friend of yours from college that you saw last week…

There it was. She didn’t say it outright, but there was something in that confession. “Was she jealous?” I felt a strange satisfaction hearing her say it, though I also felt guilty for being glad about something like that.

—That friend… means nothing to me, Eli. —My voice softened, and something in my tone seemed to make her look at me more closely. —In fact… she’s not the one on my mind.

We looked at each other in silence. I knew I was walking on dangerous ground at that moment, though she looked at me with some disbelief.

—Ah… I see… —I didn’t understand why, but suddenly she seemed sad. “I basically told her I like her, and she reacts like this. Well done, Reid…” —So you’re with someone right now, aren’t you?

I was stunned. “That’s what she got from that?” I realized that I would have to be very direct if I wanted her to know what I truly felt and avoid any confusion…

N-no no, no… Eli, no. I didn’t mean that. I’m not seeing anyone, nor am I interested in… I mean… What I’m trying to say is that friend doesn’t mean anything to me. Really, she doesn’t, nor do other people I might not have told you about or whatever… I’m… I’m not with anyone. —I must have started to sound pretty desperate, though she didn’t seem to pick up on that. I wasn’t capable of being completely open with Eli, but I didn’t know how to express myself without causing confusion, without telling her everything running through my mind.

She nodded slowly, thoughtfully. —Are you… Are you okay…?

—Y-yeah, of course, I’m fine. Uh… So… You…? I mean… Well, never mind, I’ll head to the bathroom and take these papers to García… and, uh, this other stuff too.

—Uh… Sure… yeah… See you later? “Pff… You’re doing great… God…”

—Yeah, later.

Everything stayed the same but even more confusing. I could have told her directly that I think about her constantly, ever since she joined the unit, but I couldn’t do it, and I don’t know if she really doesn’t notice or if she’s just not interested in me at all.

“This hurts more every time, I just want to be with her, and it feels like I’m suffocating. I know it’s not literal, it’s a sensation, a physiological response due to my hormones and neurotransmitters. I won’t actually run out of air, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to bear…”

· Requests via DM ·

[lesuccube]

➚ 𝐅𝐎𝐋𝐃𝐄𝐑 : ꜱᴛᴇᴠᴇɴ ɢʀᴀɴᴛ — ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴏɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʟɪᴘꜱ

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒 — just a little lip scrub magic .

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 — fluff infection

𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓 — not beta'd , constructive criticism is welcomed . reblogs and comments are appreciated .

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓 — 1.2k

it's another friday night for you and steven and as per usual, the brit finds himself within the comforts of your home dressed in his comfiest pajamas he's long since left in your place, smelling much like your fabric softener, cherries and vanilla.

he's got his wild and untamed curls pushed back by a fluffy headband, a blue one to match your pink headband, and sporting a facemask that's about to hit the 15 minute mark. you were still in the bathroom, washing your face and applying oils to your skin, only halfway into your routine.

the door's been left slightly ajar, with him occasionally peeking in to keep you company or to ask how far along you were, too excited to help you put on the remaining bits of your skincare to wait for you patiently. you don't mind it, though more than half the time you'd end up splashing him with some water out of surprise. he's got pretty silent footsteps for someone as clumsy as him.

he sits on your living room couch, surfing through channels for something to watch (which definitely becomes white noise after a while since none of you pay attention to whatever's showing anyways) and settles for a 90's slasher film. he doesn't know the title but it's either that or a rom-com, something he's surprisingly not in the mood for.

he's got a nervous energy about him that he can't place, thrumming in his veins as if he's been injected an additional dose of antsiness. he fidgets in his seat and plays with the hem of his loose sweater, trying to watch but his mind pulls his focus somewhere else. you.

it's almost as if he's suddenly hyper aware of your presence, as if he hasn't been doing this with you for months now. how close you two can get and how touchy he gets anytime you're within arms length from him.

only when he feels the couch dip with another person's weight does he snap out of his daze, cheeks flushed under the sheet mask that you gingerly peel away with expert ease. steven's staring at you now, there's an emotion in his eyes you can't exactly name, or maybe you're just a little too scared to admit to yourself he's looking at you a little love-drunk.

you crumple up the used mask and place it on your coffee table next to a few items you had brought with you. unlike steven, you weren't putting on a facemask today, you had another thing in mind to cover up: your lips.

it's been cracking and drying up recently even with a thick layer of lip gloss or lip oil and you weren't about to have any of that (not when you've started catching steven stare at your lips for a while now). you rip open a new sheet, placing the too big lip mask over your own, rubbing the essence to ensure all of it gets absorbed. all the while steven's just been staring at you, watching you with rapt attention.

you struggled to laugh as you poked his nose, breaking him out of his trance as he blubbers out a string of apologies you shushed by placing a finger on his lips, being unable to speak and all, but your eyes squint with a hint of a smile. the next fifteen minutes were spent in silence, you scrolling through your phone while waiting for the time and steven finishing up the last of his own skincare routine.

once your timer goes off, you peel off the lip mask and smack your lips for extra measure. piling it on top of steven's crumpled up face sheet, you grab a tiny pink jar next for the last steo of your routine for the night: your lip scrub.

twisting the cap off, a faint scent of strawberry filling your nose. but before you can dip a finger in, steven covers the jar with a palm and a shy smile. "d'you mind if i do that for you, love?"

surprised and a little flustered, you wordlessly hand it over to steven, watching him scoot closer to you on the tiny loveseat. with a shaky gentleness, he dips his middle finger into the sugar scrub and takes a good amount, swiping the slightly rough formula over your moisturized lips.

the scrub was sticky and the scent of fruits and vanilla filled your nose, the close proximity of steven to you causes your heart to stutter and your cheeks to heat up. he looked even prettier up close.

untamed curls swept back by the headband, his usually relaxed brows knit together in absolute focus. steven's bottom lip pulled between his teeth as he concentrates on the way his finger swipes over the plushness of your own lips and his eyes, gods, his eyes.

clouded with a slight haze, a mix of emotions you can't all quite place swirling between earthy hues and in the harsh light of the tv, looks like warm chocolate

the way he looked at your lips sent a heat to your belly intensified by the way he massages the scrub over your lips with such gentleness. steven won't show the same attitude when he does his own lip scrub. the contrast has butterflies fluttering in your stomach because he's being gentle for you.

after a long, painstaking three and a half minutes (you were counting in your head to distract yourself from thinking thoughts that don't belong to your friendship), he rubs your lips clean off the sugar with a hand towel. you released a breath you didn't know you were holding, unconsciously licking your lips and tasting the sweet taste of sugar and strawberries lingering on your lips.

"thanks." you whispered, almost breathlessly, lashes fluttering as you look at steven. steven who hasn't taken his eyes off your lips not once since he asked to do your scrub. he's been staring at them with such intensity it almost knocks the breath out of your lungs.

and when he finally does look up, he looks at you with a darkened gaze, heavy with a want and desire you've never seen before. your breath hitches yet steven doesn't falter, his own breathing heavy with restraint. like he's trying not jump on your bones.

voice strained, like the act of asking his question hurt, "may i?" and aside from the clear arousal brewing within those beautiful warm eyes, lies a hint of desperation. deep down, you had a hunch saying no would crush him. he's inching closer and closer, your breaths mingling with each other, noses brushing. he looks hopeful as he is desperate.

you nod twice and steven does not hesitate to press his lips on your lips, palm on your cheek as he tilts your head like he's about devour you whole.

steven kisses like a man starved and you were the first meal he's had in a really long time. he tasted like mint toothpaste and lychee and something inherently steven, it makes you moan softly against his lips.

you pull away first to catch your breath, willing air back to your lungs but steven, sweet steven, chases after you. he can't get enough of it, the feel of your lips on his, the aftertaste of your lip scrub hanging on to your lips and he's addicted. within the first touch, he's completely and utterly addicted to you and steven thinks to himself that he may never recover from you.

"taste so sweet…" he mumbles against you, "so good, love. wanna taste more, can i? please, can i kiss you again?"

[pascaloverx]

Sweet Love

Summary: You're an up-and-coming writer, congratulations. To protect your beloved job, you're willing to do anything. Even strike a deal with the devil, better known as your sister's neighbor. You and Dean Winchester don't really see eye to eye, but in a moment of desperation, you agree to collaborate with him for a greater good.

Author's Notes: Many characters do not belong to me but to the Supernatural Universe (2005-2020). I hope you enjoy the fanfic's story. The fanfic will contain strong language and adult content. Dear readers, I'm here to let you know that if you enjoy this fic, please engage with it. Comments and likes are welcome. I appreciate everyone who follows this fanfic, but I must admit that it might be coming to an end. Anyway, enjoy this chapter.

chapter five chapter seven

CHAPTER SIX

The first few days avoiding Dean seemed the most complicated. Whether you like it or not, being next-door neighbors and getting used to doing certain things at the same time to meet in secret from Sam made everything more complicated. But by the second week of avoiding the Winchesters, you were already an expert at not running into either of them. That doesn't mean it was easy, though. Today, you finally sent the first draft of your new book to the publisher. So you decided to go out and do some grocery shopping. The store isn't crowded; it's a quiet time to get lost between the dairy and frozen food sections. You don't want to admit it, but even grocery shopping now reminds you of Dean. And you can't stand that.

"Are you sure your brother asked for this type of shampoo? He doesn't seem like the guy who needs to control oily hair." You hear a woman saying this, and it reminds you that you're running low on shampoo too. You head towards the hair care products, and your eyes meet the person you most want to avoid.

"You'd be surprised how much maintenance his hair needs. I need to grab something over there." Dean says loudly enough for you to hear. You try to avoid him by heading into the baby aisle. Now you're surrounded by powders, diaper packs, wet wipes, and formula.

"Can you stop running away from me?" Dean says in an exaggerated manner, definitely grabbing your attention—and the attention of almost everyone in the store.

" I wouldn't have to run if you'd stop coming after me, Winchester." You reply, turning to face him. Now it's just you and him, face to face, with only a shopping cart separating you.

"I doubt you have any idea how much I've wanted to find you these past few weeks. Even though I have no clue what I'd do if I did. It feels strange to say this while you're my neighbor and not long ago we were…" Dean begins to speak, and you look at him as if you don't know what to do. In reality, you have no idea what to do. Fight with him? Reconnect with him? But what exactly would you be reconnecting?"

"We were nothing. Now, can you do us both a favor and move on with your life?" You say, trying to avoid Winchester's gaze.

"For you, does moving forward mean pretending that the other person doesn't exist? Because if so, I don't intend to forget you. Or move on." Dean looks serious about what he's talking about. And you wish you could trust that he's serious about not forgetting you.

"Why would you say that, if you know that we shouldn't mean anything to each other? If you know that you're not over Castiel? If you're here with someone else, you shouldn't be talking to me like that." Your words carry a sentimentality inappropriate for the nature of your relationship with Dean. You both clearly should never have gotten close, since neither of you knows how to be casual about your feelings.

"I talked to him. After what you said. I realized I was being a fool for undervaluing someone who meant so much to me. And I'm here with a friend, not a substitute for you," Dean says, taking another step towards you, keeping his eyes fixed on you.

"And what do you want now? Why do you want to be near me? To apologize for being a jerk? Or to regret ever stepping into my life?" you say, leaving your cart still between you and Dean but moving toward him. Part of you wants to confront him without anything between you, and the other part just wants to forget this argument and jump into his bed.

"I would never regret you. Actually, I regret not being worthy of your attention. But the truth is, I don't know how to function without you anymore. Without waiting for my idiot brother to fall asleep so I can sneak into your place, going to the store to buy anything just to spend time with you, cooking for you after sex because we both get ravenous." Everything he is saying lowers your guard, everything so personal. The truth is, you miss the comfort of having him around. Not thinking about labels or anything else, just being together. Realizing that you are more than his writer neighbor and he is more than your womanizing neighbor.

"What does all this mean, Winchester? You declaring yourself like a lovestruck boy, what exactly does it mean?" Your question seems to surprise him. The truth is it feels like you've been going in circles when it comes to this relationship, if you can even call it a relationship, what you had or have.

"If you want me, it can mean an official relationship with all the trimmings—expectations, sentimentality, companionship, silly romantic dates, and awkward family moments. The full package. In good times and bad, in sickness and in health; until my brother and your sister kill me for breaking the rule of not getting too close to you." Dean says, smiling slightly. You move a bit closer to him, looking him seriously in the eyes. Until you open your arms and move toward him. Missing him outweighs your anger. Dean holds you firmly in his arms, and when you lift your head to look at him, he kisses you gently. A very soft kiss.

"You know you basically just proposed to me, right?" you say as your lips part from Dean's, who laughs.

"Sorry, babygirl, but I think you're the one who wants to marry me. But first, we need to take it slow. I still need to win your sister's approval, and one of us has to tell Sam what's going on," Dean says, and you chuckle at the thought of it. Just then, you hear someone clear their throat behind you. It's Dean's friend, standing there with a basket full of groceries.

"Not that either of you cares, but you can see all this sappy crap from a mile away. I'm Charlie, by the way, and I should let you know that Sam already knows. He actually made me bring Dean to the market to see if he could get over the weird breakup between you two." Charlie extends her hand towards you, and you shake it, feeling a bit awkward about how this is your first meeting.

"I think it's best if we all head home. It's a pleasure to meet you, Charlie. I'll finish my shopping and meet you at the exit." You say, separating from Dean and grabbing your cart again. Before heading back to your shopping, you and Dean share a quick kiss, and as you walk to another section of the market, you can hear Charlie cursing Dean for abandoning her with the groceries.

[francesderwent]

speaking as someone who hated Steve in season one, shipped Jonathan and Nancy in season one and two, and now full-heartedly ships Steve and Nancy, I always hated how Nancy and Jonathan get together in season two. I (obviously) hate the Murray of it all, because no story which viewers have been led to care about deserves to have its decisive climactic moment hijacked by a balding conspiracy theorist who (wrongly) considers himself an expert in human behavior. but even setting aside Murray (as much as it's possible to do so when he's inextricable to how everything plays out), I thought the scene did such a disservice to the Jonathan/Nancy relationship as it was set up. even once I didn't ship them anymore, that scene just seemed like bad, out-of-character writing. but I think I found a way to fit the scene into the larger story.

Jonathan Byers & Restraint

this isn't groundbreaking (I'm probably subconsciously stealing from a thousand Maria metas), but what made Jonathan and Nancy stand out in season one is romantic restraint. while Steve is climbing in Nancy's bedroom window and trying to unbutton her shirt and sleeping with her all by the end of the second episode, Jonathan and Nancy talk to one another, awkwardly, stiltedly. if I remember right, they don't touch, at all. Nancy is trying to connect with him, and Jonathan isn't opposed, but they're both very cautious, and the connection is difficult and uncomfortable. Jonathan's bizarre choice to take her photo while she's half naked and he's hiding in the woods is symptomatic of how he feels about her at this point: he sees her only at a distance, and sees that she's beautiful at the same time as he sees that she's not for him. in the photograph, he tries to capture what little of her he can have for himself. this stupid, grasping choice ends up hurting both of them.

so as we start episode three and really start to move into the center of the story, both Steve and Jonathan have crossed a boundary. Nancy and Steve aren't able to admit (yet) that what they did poses a problem. they're still close, but their closeness is actually an obstacle to their communication. Steve can't see what's going on with Nancy because he's caught up in his starry-eyed triumph that he doesn't have to pretend not to care anymore because he finally won her and she's finally his! and Nancy can't connect with Steve because in order to be honest with him she would have to admit that he hurt her, and she doesn't want him to know that. their closeness is a lie which prevents any other truth from being told, and as season one moves forward, the lie becomes more and more obviously a lie. Nancy lashes out at Steve for worrying about his father when Barb is missing. she kisses him when he comes to check on her, but lies about the baseball bat and what her plan is. Steve's supposed love for her can't survive seeing her with Jonathan, and he stands by while his friends ruin her reputation. he doesn't trust her enough to believe her when she tells him nothing happened. I'm just hammering the same point here, but they are literally too close to see clearly.

against this backdrop, Nancy's relationship with Jonathan appears starkly different. the revelation of Jonathan's transgression pushes him and Nancy further apart, forces them to take a hard look at themselves and a clearer look at each other. they see all the differences between them. they see the way the other person doesn't perfectly understand them. and they see all that because they can see clearly that Jonathan's crossing of that boundary was wrong. but because they share similar goals and want to work together, they have to stay conscious of all those boundaries, they have to be even more careful and respectful of them moving forward. if the defining moment of Steve and Nancy's relationship is falling into bed together without ever discussing what it means (and I think, for better or worse, it is), the defining moment of Jonathan and Nancy's relationship is him lying on the other side of the bed from her without crossing the line. and he is able to be a comfort to her because he doesn't cross that line! after the photograph almost ruins everything, the restraint is present in every interaction between them: the way Nancy holds ice on his face at the police station, the way she bandages his hand, the way he accepts her Christmas gift. I was really struck, this rewatch, by the image of them setting the bear trap together: they're moving in sync with each other, backing away slowly, carefully, because they know to move quickly or carelessly could be disastrous. that's their relationship in a nutshell. and that's what made their relationship so compelling.

now, both of these dynamics are still visible in the beginning of season two: Steve and Nancy are officially a couple, but they’re understanding one another less than ever: he doesn't understand why she feels they have to continue having dinner with Barb's parents, she doesn't understand how he could want to go to a Halloween party; she tells him everything about their carefully reconstructed lives is bullshit, he is absolutely shell-shocked because he thought it was real. Jonathan and Nancy are walking a thin tightrope: Jonathan takes her home from the party, puts her to bed and takes off her shoes, he tries to assure her that Steve still cares about her, they both quickly request separate beds at the hotel. but once Murray interferes, they fall off the tightrope and they fall off hard.

when the restraint breaks, all their careful intentional distance overwhelmed by exploding desire and tension, it's not just a kiss. it's a kiss that immediately becomes sex. they haven't said a word to each other about what this means or what they feel for each other. they've both been drinking. Nancy hasn't broken up with Steve. it's a betrayal of everything their relationship has been up until this point, and it's a letdown, because it doesn't feel like the Jonathan and Nancy we've been watching and rooting for for two seasons. it feels like the end to a different story, not this one.

and unlike the photograph which crossed a boundary and then had to be dealt with, for the rest of season two at least, there are no consequences. Nancy and Jonathan are just...together, after this. Steve gracefully bows out; he doesn't accuse Nancy, he doesn't even make her tell him what she did, he takes all the blame on himself. this makes Steve look really good, really mature and unselfish, but it's dishonest in a way that season one wasn't dishonest. season one was brutally honest about the fallout of Steve and Nancy having sex, and it was beautifully honest about what Jonathan and Nancy had to do to build a relationship on a different foundation. now Jonathan and Nancy kick off their romantic relationship on that exact same foundation as she and Steve did in season one episode two - we've had some sexual tension, we had sex, now we're a couple - and this time, for no reason, everything's fine.

if you assume that Jonathan and Nancy are endgame, it's a ridiculous squandering of one of the best-drawn relationships in the story. all their narrative potential is lost, wasted. in season three, Jonathan and Nancy bicker annoyingly and to little purpose; the majority of their arc is already behind them and the writers appear to be at loose ends, creating thin conflict for no reason.

where it starts to get really interesting is when you stop assuming that Jonathan and Nancy are endgame.

Nancy Wheeler & Illusions

so far I've been prioritizing Jonathan’s perspective: his making amends for the photograph and learning how to care about Nancy respectfully. it's through this lens that the sex scene in season two is out of place. but if you focus in on Nancy, the defining factor in the love triangle for the first two seasons isn't restraint. it's reality.

I've written about this before, but Nancy's arc in season one is about the shattering of all her illusions. she already had her doubts about her parents' marriage, but she was still playing the game, still trying to get good grades, still trying to seem like a good girl in front of her parents, still trying to seem cool in front of Steve and his popular friends. and one of the illusions that shatters most painfully for Nancy is her romantic illusions around sex. she bought into the lie that if she would just sleep with the cute guy she has a crush on, she would feel close to him and he'd love her. after episode two, she learns intimately that this isn't true. Steve tells her she’s beautiful, he doesn’t tell her he loves her. he falls asleep and she has to get dressed and walk home on her own, with no words of reassurance. she stands on the stair in Steve's sweatshirt and tells her mother coldly that Steve isn't her boyfriend and nothing happened, because at that point Steve isn't her boyfriend and she has to go to school the next day and act like nothing happened. he walks up to her locker and kisses her, but tells her only, “I had a good time.” we can see this tearing her apart before she ever starts to suspect anything has happened to Barb.

and so she starts to see through the falseness and thinness of what she used to think was important - because of Barb's death, because she discovers the upside down, and because of Jonathan. she tells him the story of her parents and their loveless decision to buy a house and start their nuclear family, and Jonathan answers, “screw that.” Jonathan is the one who gives her permission to reject everything she put her faith in. at last, someone is admitting out loud that trying to fit herself into these boxes is hurting her! at last, someone isn’t afraid to exist outside of the norms that are destroying her. it’s a relief, not having to pretend anymore.  

fast-forward to season two: Murray (ugh) says that Nancy doesn’t love Steve, that she’s afraid of who she really is, that she has chemistry, history, and shared trauma with Jonathan, and that therefore they should cut the bullshit and share the bed. notice: he doesn’t say Nancy loves Jonathan and should be with him. they’re just young and attractive and they have chemistry, so they should sleep together. there’s no pretty façade over it. and this is what Nancy has in common with Jonathan, that they don’t buy into the bullshit. and so here’s my hypothesis: Nancy walks out of her bedroom to find Jonathan because she can sleep with him without any illusions. maybe this time sex can mean whatever she wants it to. maybe this time she won’t have to twist herself into knots pretending like it brought the closeness she thought it would.

the reason this scene doesn’t feel like a satisfactory end to a romance arc is it isn’t the end to a romance arc. it’s the natural continuation of Nancy’s arc in season one, admitting, once and for all, that the pretty illusion doesn’t satisfy, that she doesn’t fit into that picture and she’s never going to. what she mutters to herself alone in her room, right before she goes to find Jonathan, is “I’m not afraid.” she doesn’t choose Jonathan because they love each other and they’re going to be together forever—because they don’t say they love each other, and they don’t talk about their future. she chooses Jonathan because he’s on the outside, just like she is, and she’s not afraid anymore to admit that she’s just like him.

through this lens, their fighting in season three isn’t the contrived conflict of a couple who got together too early and have to find something to do in the sequel. their fighting is exactly the same as Nancy and Steve’s fighting in season two. they’re too close to see each other clearly, and they can’t admit it. she wakes up in his bed, how can he not understand her? he lets her see him for who he is, how can she not recognize his pain? their lack of restraint does hurt them, just like it hurt Nancy and Steve, and knowing that the romantic magic of sex is an illusion doesn’t exempt them from that hurt. it doesn’t bring them into perfect closeness and unity, but it does bring them close enough to feel all their inequalities and disagreements without the objectivity of distance. their priorities are different; their plans don’t align. how could it be any other way, when they never talk about those things? at the end of the season, Jonathan moves to California, and when Nancy tells him she wants him to stay, he says only that everything will be okay because they have shared trauma—he doesn’t say that he’ll come back, he doesn’t say that she should join him, he doesn’t even make plans for Thanksgiving like Mike and El do. they have a bond that makes him moving away painful—but they can’t figure out what to do about it.

so Nancy and Jonathan sleeping together isn’t the end of their romantic storyline. it’s just a stepping stone in Nancy’s journey with disillusionment. Nancy tried using sex to get her happy ending with Steve, and it didn’t work. then she stopped believing in happy endings and clung to Jonathan who also didn’t believe in them, and that didn’t preserve her from disappointment either. what is all of this leading us toward?

Steve Harrington & the Love Confession

ahem.

Steve starts out as the epitome of everything that Jonathan and Nancy are growing beyond: popular, shallow, charming Steve Harrington who takes sweet Nancy Wheeler to bed. but in every season Steve proves himself again and again to be someone to rely upon—he comes back to fight the demogorgon after Nancy tells him to leave, he protects the kids from demodogs and evil brothers, he swoops in for the big rescue when Nancy’s about to die. and again and again, he receives no reward at all. he doesn’t get the girl (Nancy). he doesn’t get a different girl (Robin). he doesn’t even get an apology Christmas gift or to be Nancy’s friend, like Jonathan did. the only thing he walks away with, every time, is growth. he is a bigger person than when he set out, he’s more of a man.

in season two, he lets Nancy go with his insanely generous “it’s okay, Nance,” and submits to loving her without possessing her, watching her from his car outside the dance and then driving away. in other words, he learns restraint. in season three, he stops caring so much about his image: “Tommy H. would’ve made fun of me, or I wouldn’t be prom king. that’s stupid, Dustin’s right, it’s all bullshit.” he sees through the illusion and rejects what isn’t important. (and we know he’s learned restraint, how to love without grasping, because of the way he handles Robin’s rejection.) he’s a little slow—learning the lessons that Jonathan and Nancy do a season late and usually when no one is watching. but when he and Nancy are finally thrown together again, he’s different. he’s grown, and his love for her has grown, too. we know that, because when he jumps into the upside down and Nancy follows, and Eddie steps into Murray’s shoes and helpfully points out that something is afoot, Steve doesn’t react like Nancy and Jonathan did.

remember what Murray told Nancy and Jonathan: you have chemistry, history, and shared trauma, you should stop pretending and share the bed. what does Eddie tell Steve? that Nancy reacted to him being in danger by immediately, without a second thought, placing herself in danger next to him, to save him, and that it was “as unambiguous a sign of true love” as his cynical eyes had ever seen. already, there’s a huge difference. Eddie isn’t commenting on their sexual tension (of which there is plenty, Eddie had to stand and watch as Nancy ripped up her clothes to make bandages to tie around Steve’s midriff while they make eye contact). Eddie says he doesn’t know anything about their history. what he does know is what he just saw Nancy do. it’s not a connection, chemical or emotional. it’s love, love understood as an action, a choice. and he tells Steve: “if I were you, I would get her back.”

and Steve doesn’t wait until the first opportune moment to pull Nancy into his arms and give into his desires that he’s been so carefully holding in check for years. no, Steve does something very different. Steve tells Nancy exactly what he pictures his future as, and tells her that he wants her to be in it, that actually she is the most important part of his life. Steve makes a confession of love. and it stands out because when you think about it, there are actually very few love confessions in the show! no other couple says so clearly: “this is what you mean to me, this is what I feel for you, and this is what I want our life together to be.” Steve and Nancy and Jonathan and Nancy both sleep together and then slide into a relationship via the path of least resistance. Joyce and Hopper talk about a date, but don’t say “love” or talk about what this would mean for their families. Mike blurts to Max that he loves Eleven and Eleven happens to overhear it. Steve gives a wonderful confession to Robin about what he likes about her, but really doesn’t know her well enough to propose any kind of future. actually, the only character who comes close to Steve’s season four speech is Bob Newby, who tells Joyce that he loves her, loves her whole family that comes with her, and that he wants them to move to Maine together and be a normal family. but even Bob’s love confession is qualified by his not really knowing what’s going on with Joyce and her family, being kept slightly in the dark.

Steve is not in the dark when he confesses his love to Nancy—or rather, he’s in the midst of the darkest dark, standing in the depths of everything that terrifies Nancy and everything that made her stop believing in love, and he tells her anyway, because he knows all of that and he loves her anyway. they’re not too close to see each other clearly; he’s offering his love and his hopes to her so that she can look at them objectively and make her choice. and what he offers breaks open all the illusions that hurt her so badly. unlike the first time they got together, he’s all-in, telling her how he feels without asking anything of her physical first. unlike with her and Jonathan, he knows what he wants his future to be and is telling it to her clearly. unlike her parents, he’s offering her not security and normalcy, but a relationship motivated first and foremost by love.

the story isn’t just circling back to Steve because the will-they won’t-they with Jonathan has been played out. the story is circling back to Steve because he’s the only one who has all the pieces of the puzzle. he has the romantic restraint that Jonathan abandoned when Murray repackaged it as trust issues. he has the clear sight to see through the false images Nancy rejected. and when you put those things together—and put them together in a man who has been in love with the same woman for years—you get a love which wants to prioritize the good of the other, and is in touch with reality enough to protect the other effectively. and that’s where you get the love confession: it’s a way of stripping away all of the assumptions and illusions so all that’s left is the truth, but without using the truth to impose. Steve can offer Nancy absolutely everything, without crossing a line, without making it impossible for her to see what she wants. he can offer her everything—and if she says yes, he can give it to her.

[pianokantzart]

🍽️ and 🎶 with morty x luigi

🍽️ Dinner date 🎶 Dancing

Luigi never before envisioned himself as the one to make the first move in any romantic scenario, but after starring in so many films, scripts, and photoshoots, he felt as though he and Morty had already been dating for some time now. Then again, there was a large difference between being someone's boyfriend and being someone's muse. Being a muse meant being put on a pedestal for the sake of the arts, playing on the outskirts of reality to feed into whatever new creation was being forged. Dating? That meant a return to earth, being mundane and flawed. Being a human. Luigi felt somewhat awkward as a muse... like he was lying, somehow, despite the slew of creations he inspired... but he also couldn't deny the warm feeling he got when seen as something so rare and beautiful in the eyes of someone so passionate.

Morty agreed to a date. The agreement was casual, lacking that shining thrill of true inspiration, but his excitement grew when Luigi suggested something properly cinematic: dinner and dancing.

Luigi still wasn't sure how it was ghosts ate or danced without corporeal bodies, but a long list of experiences had proven that such things didn't matter. So long as the right sort of energy was abundant in the air, ghosts ate, drank and danced the same way they had in life, and enjoyed it with almost more gusto than those weighed down by flesh. Morty was no different. Luigi asked the ghost to pick an outfit for him. Morty obliged without a second thought, and Luigi was overjoyed to find himself handed a forest-green evening gown that looked straight out of the wardrobe of Rita Hayworth. Morty always appreciated a chance to alter aesthetics to his liking. He was a director after all, and Luigi liked receiving direction– so long, of course, as it came from someone he trusted. They understood each other's tastes... had a shared interest in making each other happy... and making each other happy was so ridiculously easy. Over dinner they talked about everything they loved, barely understanding one another when they broached niche topics, but looking on in adoration as the other unraveled the different corners of the world they never even knew to be so beautiful– cinematography, photography, architecture, gardening, interior design, cooking... Then came the dancing. Four ghosts struck up a string quartet, and as Luigi moved to the ballroom where phantoms spun about in each other's arms, he was surprised to find Morty trying to stay at the dinner table. "I love the aesthetics of it, but I must admit I never learned!" he explained with a tiniest hint of regret in his voice. "Here... you dance, and I'll watch you!" Morty shut one eye and framed up a shot with his hands, like he was already envisioning a film based on the scene. Luigi would have none of it. With a smile and a shake of his head he took the director by the hand and gently guided him to the dance floor. Though Luigi didn't consider himself any sort of expert, knew enough to help a novice along in a simple waltz.

"It doesn't have to be perfect. Doesn't even have to look good at all!" He placed one of the ghost's chilly blue hands on his shoulder while taking the other hand in his own. "Just... move with me. We'll figure it out."

Morty looked uncomfortable only for a second, but his expression quickly blossomed into a playful smile. "Oh-ho! Looks someone's taking charge!" "Well, I do like to be number one, sometimes," Luigi retorted with equal playfulness, punctuating the comment by dipping Morty so low to the ground, they both couldn't help but laugh. "Forget the angle and the lighting for a moment, okey dokey?" Luigi continued, speaking much softer now as– in a moment of boldness– he tugged Morty back up into a close embrace, swaying with him to the music as a calvary of colorful ghosts whirled above and around them. "Just dance."

[softquietsteadylove]

Just Eros, Full with his ego, trying to win over the new stallion and Gil watching him with amusement. Eros learns a hard lesson 😈

Eros hit the ground hard, flat on his back with his hair rustling in the dust. The stallion he had attempted to mount whinnied with glee at his failure. "All right, mate, it wasn't that funny."

"I found it pretty funny."

Eros dusted himself off, still with plenty of dignity for a guy who had just been tossed to the dirt by their newest stable addition. He straightened his vest and looked at Gil, "do you not have anything else that needs your attention at the moment?"

He shrugged, leaning off the door frame and walking closer to arguably his second-least-favourite club member. "Nothing as fun as watching Heracles reject you."

"Hercules?"

Gil shook his head, his arms still crossed, "Heracles. Thena picked it."

Eros' face changed in a way Gil didn't entirely enjoy. "Ah, my beautiful Thena named him? I suppose that tracks--she does so have a way with the classics."

Gil resisted the urge to make a face at Eros kissing ass when the woman in question wasn't even present to hear it. "He's responded to her pretty well. But it'll be a long time before he's fit for riding, so I've told everyone to keep their distance for a while. I don't suppose you got that memo."

"Ah, must've flew under my radar, old chap," Eros excused vaguely as he clasped his hands behind his back like the old-money rich boy he was. "Apologies--I merely wanted to test out the new steed for myself."

"Well, you did, and you can see he's not up for it," Gil muttered, but Eros didn't scurry out of the stable like he would have hoped. In fact, he walked closer to the black stallion again. "Hey!"

"Fascinating creatures, are they not?" Eros tossed over his shoulder, leaning his face forward to observe Heracles. The horse paced back and forth in front of him, still tied up but obviously ready to kick and fight and fuss at a moment's notice.

"Uh, yeah man, I'm a big fan," Gil sighed, walking closer mostly to make sure Eros didn't get his skull bashed in by the obstinate stallion. That would for sure come out of his paycheck.

"I had always been around them," Eros shrugged, still monologuing to both of them but also no one in particular. "Comes with the upbringing, of course. But I truly loved riding from the moment I tried it."

Eros was pretty good too, not that Gil particularly wanted to admit it. But the club prized him as a member. He was aggressive and competitive when it called for it. And Gil did somewhat believe that his pretty boy status also helped in that regard.

"Being drawn to my lovely Thena simply came with the territory."

Gil twitched again. It wasn't really any of his business, technically. And he was pretty sure they weren't actually together, despite Eros' overly familiar way of speaking about her. But it gave Gil the creeps the way he attached 'my' to every adjective about her.

Eros gave him a look that felt like an odd mix of resentment and admiration. "Unfortunately, I believe she shares your obsession with these lovely creatures. I've never been able to lure her away form Olympia's side."

Gil had seen him try it, too. But Olympia was always eager to keep her dear rider away from the smarmy equestrian whose hair refused to be defined by the shape of their helmets.

"It seems you have succeeded in forging a," Eros paused, and again Gil got the distinct feeling his cage was being rattled, "friendship, of sorts, with her."

Not that he was an expert by any means, but Gil wouldn't say he completely lacked social awareness with people in exchange for his way with the horses. And he was pretty close to entirely sure that Eros was saying he was jealous, in not so many words.

"In such a short span of time working here, I do not know how."

Maybe it was more like he was about to warn him to stay away from her. Which Gil found even funnier in concept than watching Eros fall face first off of Heracles' back.

"But!" Eros ruffled his ridiculous coif of hair and looked at Gil head on. He put on a pleasant, if uncomfortable seeming smile. "I do believe it would be for my darling Thena's happiness alone that I could see myself setting aside our differences."

Now Gil was having to really dig to find the meaning behind Eros' many unnecessary words. But like shovelling the dung, he was up to the task, and he was pretty sure Eros was trying to say that Thena would be happy if they could be civil with one another.

Gil eyed Eros' vaguely gesturing hand, not at all held out for a real handshake between peers. "She tell you that?"

Pretty boy faltered, and Gil bit back a grin. "Not in so many words. But my dearest Thena isn't so loquacious by nature, now is she?"

My, my, my--that was all this guy ever said. Gil uncrossed his arms and swatted Eros' intrusive hands out of his personal space. And Heracles' for that matter! "I don't know about that. But the Thena I know always says exactly what she means. And she hasn't mentioned anything to me about us having to act like we're drinking buddies."

This time it was Eros who squirmed, and Gil enjoyed it maybe just a little, tiny bit too much. "Ah, well, my-"

"Look, man," Gil addressed the highborn gentleman the way he would any of his fellow shit shovellers. He put a hand on Heracles' neck, whose tail was still whipping around behind him in displeasure. "I don't care what problem you think you have with me. I'm here to take care of the horses. And I don't really care what you have to say on the matter, I trust that if Thena wants me to know something, she'll tell me."

Eros's pleasant smile slowly melted off his face, leaving a cold disdain in its place. He clasped his hands in front of him now, drawing up his shoulders to take advantage of his height. "Talk often with ma cherie, do you?"

Here was the root of the problem. Gil eyed Eros the same way he would Heracles or any other young colt getting a little too brash with him. He could recognise stomping hooves and aggressive breathing in more than just equines. "I don't know if everyday is often."

Eros bristled.

"But Thena likes to come in and spend time with Olympia," Gil shrugged, back to having a little too much fun messing with Eros. He ran his hand over Heracles' mane. "I guess we talk and hang out in here while she does."

It was common knowledge that Eros liked to all but follow Thena around when they were both on club grounds at the same time. The only one who didn't know she was completely uninterested, was Eros. Or maybe he did know, in which case Gil's distaste for the guy would only get worse from now on.

"Gil?"

"Speaking of," Gil waved to her.

"My love!"

"Eros," she greeted as dryly and formally as she could. She gave him and his outstretched arms a wide berth as she walked over to them. "How is he today?"

Gil stepped aside to let Thena greet Heracles in person. The stallion indeed eyed her with mild tolerance, passively allowing her presence in a way he didn't with many other club members. "He's in a pretty good mood. I think that's from rejecting riders left and right, though."

Thena took one look at Eros - and the dirt on the white sleeves of his riding shirt - and smiled. Her hand touched Heracles' nose gently, pulling him so she could nuzzle his snout in good humour. "I can't blame you, boy."

Heracles pulled his head from Thena's grasp, although it did seem like he was nodding. And he didn't kick up his back hooves in protest, either.

"Are you done training for the day, my sweet?" Eros continued, completely undeterred by his rejection, now thrice, nor Thena's refusal to even look him in the eye. "I would be happy to fetch us some lunch."

"No."

Gil chuckled, but Eros looked like she had whispered a sweet nothing to him. A woman of few words indeed. Poor guy; Gil could at least sympathise with the sucker who was clearly blindly in love with the rider between them.

He could see how Thena could have that affect on someone.

"Are you departing for the day, then? I-"

"I'm here to spend time with Olympia, Eros," Thena glared at him, no longer in the mood to even entertain his small talk. "I realise you and Pip are not so close, but some of us actually like our horses."

Eros sniffed, taking at least a little offense at the jab at his pride as a rider. He straightened again, "I shall leave you to it then, mi amor."

Thena didn't even bother looking at him as he dragged himself out of the stables, looking back at her no less than four times in the two minutes it took for him to exit the building completely. "Is he gone?"

Gil chuckled, happy to keep her secret for her. "He's gone."

She let out a sigh, which Heracles pretended annoyed him by shuffling away from her. "Usually he's gone by the afternoon so I can have some peace, but he's been hanging around more and more. He and Ikaris really think they can tame this fellow."

Heracles freely voiced what a ridiculous notion that was.

"Okay, okay, easy," Gil chided the excitable male. "Get over yourself, buddy."

Thena laughed faintly, moving away from the tied stallion with Gil and towards Olympia's pen. "I do hope he wasn't in here pestering you again."

Pestering sure, but not technically about anything related to his job this time. Gil glanced at her, "I mean I wouldn't say we're best friends or anything, but I guess he was harmless."

Thena freely shook her head, how sleek blonde ponytail swishing behind her. "You have my sympathies. But I admit I would rather he be bothering you than me and Olympia."

Gil's smile grew. She was still in her breeches and riding boots, which were pretty flat compared to the elegant heels he'd seen her wear casually. She was shorter than usual, allowing him to look down at her slightly.

"Sorry," she uttered after finding him staring at her. "I suppose that is cruel of me."

"Hey, I don't mind, consider it part of the job," he shrugged with a laugh. He looked in on Olympia, who was standing with her butt to them, as if to give them some privacy. He leaned on the edge of her gate. "I don't think he likes us being friends."

Thena startled faintly at the word. Last they had discussed being friends, he did have a distinct memory of her caring for him rather attentively.

The feeling of her lips on his cheek always came to his mind, whether he wanted it to or not.

"Well, I suppose I have to thank you for that," she pursed her lips faintly, waiting to see if he would further dig up the topic she clearly didn't feel the need to discuss further.

Gil just grinned, opening the gate for her and sliding out of her way. "What are friends for?"

She could definitely tell he was still in a teasing mood after having his fun giving Eros a hard time. But she walked into Olympia's pen to greet her horse.

"Holler if you need anything, ladies," he chuckled, bidding his goodbye to both Thena and Olympia. It was childish of him to like teasing Thena, but she was a lot cuter to tease than Eros.

[symbioticsimplicity]

In Another Life

Shuake quick fic based on this post by @arcsin27 thanks for passing on the brain worms!

As the door swung closed behind Maruki, an oppresive silence filled the little cafe Akira had long since begun thinking of as his home. 

It wasn't the first heavy silence he and Akechi had shared, but he was all but sure it would be their last.

The thought filled his head with noise, thousands of thwarted plans and half uttered pleas coalesing into static behind his eyes. Trapped, just like every other feeling he kept locked behind his teeth. He'd kept hundreds of things to himself by now, he was pretty sure he was an expert.

And yet, when those glaring red eyes turned back to him, that tightly held control freyed.

"Don't tell me you're actually considering taking that asinine deal." Akechi scoffed, as though the mere idea were beneath discussing, as if he weren't going to--

"If we don't you're going to--"

The sharp stare his rival sent him cut the words off at their knees.

"If you fold to such a trivial threat, perhaps you were never worthy of being my rival in the first place." He near spat, "To think, the famed leader of the Phantom Thieves would be so easy to manipulate."

Akira clenched his teeth, all those unspoken words piling up in his throat until he felt choked with them. He wanted to argue, to rage, to do something other than just stand there and let Akechi win. But everything he could say wouldn't tilt the scales, no if anything it would only convince Akechi he was truly in the right.

"I--" His voice broke, and he couldn't figure out what to say anyway so he left the sentence there, glancing away as if the future was looming just behind Akechi's head.

"You are." Akechi snarled, as though the thought alone was enough to insense him, "Kurusu, I'm aware you hardly listen to anyone, but if ever there were a time, listen to me now."

Akira couldn't bring himself to look at him, but that didn't seem to be stopping Akechi.

"If you take this deal, you will be going directly against my wishes."

"You want to die?!" Akira snapped in an uncharacteristic show of anger.

"I think I ought to!" Akechi growled back, "You're the only one who doesn't seem to agree!"

Akira reeled back as though struck, but quickly recovered, "Of course I don't."

"Right, of course, how silly of me to forget. You're the hero, you don't think anyone should die, no matter how monstrous." Akechi rolled his eyes, "You're half as deluded as Maruki."

"Is it...is it really so wrong?" Akira whispered, unable to utter the words with his usual confidence, "To want a second chance?"

He forced himself to look back to Akechi, finding him scrutenizing him with that stare of his. The one that made Akira feel like a bug pinned to a wall. 

"I know you've thought about it," He continued when Akechi made no move to speak, "What would have happened if we'd met sooner. What we could have been like if not for--"

Akira's hand sought his hair but ended up pressed against his forehead instead as the thought tried to sweep him away. It wasn't a new fantasy by any means, in fact it was probably the very one Maruki had plucked out of him that saw Akechi standing here right now. 

It changed every time, whether they were playing chess or in the debate club together, from rival schools or fast friends, it hardly mattered. Akira just wanted to be by his side, to compete with him because they wanted to, not because God or Fate or whatever was forcing their hands. He wanted the same quiet evenings they'd already shared, and the kinds of outings he had with the rest of the Thieves. And in the small hours of the night, he could admit he may even want something more...

"It doesn't matter." Akechi's cool voice shattered the sugar spun daydream, "That's not for us. It isn't who we are, Akira."

The use of his first name hit like a physical blow, leaving Akira reeling as he looked back up into Akechi's eyes.

He looked tired, far more so than Akira himself felt. Resignation was etched into every shadow falling across his face, in the looseness of his muscles and the blank stare he met Akira's own startled one with. 

"But it could be." Akira breathed, desperation curling around the syllables like a living thing all it's own.

Akechi's eyes closed and for a moment Akira could have sworn he heard him pray for patience. 

"No, it couldn't. No matter how good the lie, it would still only ever be that." His contempt twisted the words until Akira could feel the barbs of them digging into him, "Would you really rather swallow some shallow immitation than to-- than live with my memory?"

Akira heard what he didn't say, of course he did. It was something he'd noticed about him early on, when he'd first realized how much of Akechi's outer self was a mask. He spent so much time editing himself, trimming away the pieces others would doubtlessly find objectionable, forcing himself to condense into the narrow box he was expected to fill, until he had a well contructed front he could use to fool the entire world. Everyone except Akira himself. 

If he took Maruki's lie it would be like he was putting Akechi back in his cage himself.

He wished they were at the gym so he could throw a punch or something. 

Instead he swallowed down the ugly neediness bubbling in the back of his throat. 

"You're right." The words tasted like the bitter herbal tea Takemi had given him to help him recover from one of her harsher clinical trials, "It wouldn't be the same."

Akechi took a deep breath but looked no closer to being relieved, "Then you've come to your senses?"

Akira nodded, "I know what needs to be done. I'll do it but-"

Akechi's eyes narrowed, his frown deepening instantly, "But?"

"I'm not strong enough not to be a little selfish." Akira said to his shoes, "If this is going to be it- would you stay with me tonight? Please?"

He knew Akechi would hear what he didn't say, the same as Akira had for him earlier. 

Don't make me let you go without ever having had you to begin with. 

For a moment he only stared. Akira could see the thoughts racing behind his eyes, could almost hear them as he read each micro-change in his expression. It was an art that had taken him a long while to learn, but it had been worth every moment. 

Finally he sighed, some of the manic energy that clung to him disappating as his posture sagged infinitesimally. 

"I suppose I do still owe you a duel."

Akira's knees nearly gave out but he managed to keep that little bit of dignity intact and nodded instead.

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me, I have every intention of winning this time." Akechi smirked, "Unless of course, you enjoy the taste of pavement, in which case, you're welcome~"

Akira heard it for what it was, an offering of a distraction. One Akechi could more than likely use just as badly. Selfish as he was being, Akira could at least recognize how hard it had to be to argue for his own destruction. 

So he took a deep breath, and let Joker rise to the surface to meet his rival.

"If you can, I'll personally write you a Thank You note." 

The fire that had been absent Akechi's eyes since he walked in rekindled, redoubled even. Without the vineer of civility he'd affected for so long, his expressions were much more extreme. Akira would be hard pressed to describe this one as anything short of 'bloodlust'.

"I'll take it with me to hell." Akechi growled.

Akira winced, but only just barely. He himself was guilty of making light of his own 'death', he could hardly fault Akechi for doing the same.

"Inokashira Park?"

"Thought you'd never ask." 

They fought until the sun went down. 

It hadn't been hard to find an isolated spot, not with the weather so cold. There was hardly anyone around, and even fewer who seemed to care about a pair of teenage boys roughhousing. 

Despite this fight taking place outside of the metaverse, neither boy had taken it any less seriously than their first. If anything, Akira felt like Akechi was fighting harder than their first time. It reminded him of the first time they'd played billiards without Akechi using his non-dominant hand. He was always good, but unleashed he was a force of nature, all snarling teeth and vicious blows until Akira could hardly keep up with him. 

It was beautiful in the same way bloodspatter could look like a painting. Not something most people would ever see, or appreciate if they did, but Akira couldn't help but to be in awe of him.

When he found himself pinned to the pavement, just as Akechi had promised, he couldn't even find it in himself to be disappointed.

The other was above him, panting and a little brused, grinning like a coyote with a fresh kill between it's jaws.

"Ha!" He crowed, "I knew those healing spells were the only thing keeping you-"

"You could have killed him." Akira interrupted.

Akechi's smile didn't fade, but confusion crept into it, "Whom?"

"Shido. You could have killed him. You're stronger than he is, even in his ruler form." So why didn't you?

Akechi flinched back, though the action caused him to sit heavily on top of Akira's stomach, nearly knocking the wind out of him a second time.

"I wanted revenge, Kurusu, not mearly to kill him. It wouldn't do to let him escape into the comfort of death before he knew why exactly he was being targeted in the first place."

Akira nodded, "So it's because you're a drama queen."

Akechi looked so affronted Akira raised his hands to block the blow he was sure was coming. A good thing too, as Akechi's knuckles connected with his wrists seconds after he'd raised them.

"Shut the fuck up, that's not it at all!"

"It sounds like it from where I'm standing."

"You are not standing!" He hissed back, grabbing Akira's offending wrists and pinning them down beside his head, "You are lying on your ass, soundly defeated and you ought to have more respect for your current predicament!"

Akira could have wiggled his leg out from beneath Akechi, barred it across his stomach and kicked him off of him, but that would have required higher thought, which he was sorely lacking. His focus had been stolen by the pressure on his wrists, across his hips, against the tip of his nose where Akechi's own was currently pressed as he growled at him. It was the closest they'd ever been, Akira was sure, and from here he could even see the light clumping of the mascara he hadn't previously been aware of his rival using. 

His breath came hot against Akira's cheek, his pulse thundering where his palms met Akira's wrists. He was just so alive it made Akira's heart ache all the more to remember that soon, too damn soon, he'd be gone.

"Goro..." He whispered, his voice pitching oddly as he struggled against tears, "I don't think I can do this."

He could see recognition fire in Akechi's eyes, could see the effect the use of his first name had in the way his nostrils flared, his teeth gritting. He could also pinpoint the moment he decided to toss it all to the side.

"You said you would." 

"I know."

"You aren't allowed to lie, you're supposed to be the hero."

"I know."

"Then promise me, instead." Akechi didn't move back, but to Akira's surprise moved closer, "If I give this to you, you'll do what needs done without hesitation."

He swallowed almost compulsively, his eyes rivoted to Akechi's as if pulled by magnets. Despite the rage that seemed to have made a permanent home there, his gaze was still steady enough to be calming. The center of a maelstrom, a river in a desert. 

"I..." Akira was not weak, nor was he selfish, despite how desperately he wanted to be this time, "I promise."

The words were little more than a breath, but he could feel them bind to something deep in his heart. It was not unlike when he made a deal with someone, and the realization had tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

Akechi must have felt it too because for a moment he softened, as if Akira's promise truly brought him peace. It was stupid, worse it was evil that something like this could make Goro Akechi smile genuinely for the first time in months.

Akira didn't have long to bemoan it however, as seconds later that smile was pressing against his own lips. 

The most shocking thing was that it wasn't shocking at all. It felt like a foregone conclusion they simply hadn't had the time to discuss before, but one that was inevitable nonetheless. From Akechi's hands cupping Akira's face, to Akira's finding Akechi's waist, it was almost as though they'd finally found their way back into their own narrative, the one they'd been forced to abandon all those quiet nights ago. The natural conclusion of a perpetual motion machine designed to stop on doomsday. 

Akira didn't notice he'd begun to cry until he could no longer breathe through his nose and had to pull away.

"Goddamn it." He swore, tucking his face against Akechi's shoulder, "Goddamn it!"

"I would point out that that seems to be part of the problem, but it seems redundant." Akechi sounded no better than Akira, his own voice straining to stay scathing and failing miserably.

"I hate this." Akira allowed himself the honest admission, "Why'd it have to be like this?"

"Born cursed." Akechi muttered, his own face buried in Akira's neck, "I've always been unlucky."

"One more thing we've got in common." Akira squeezed his eyes closed, "At least...at least I'm not going to have to wonder."

"Would you have spent your nights sleepless otherwise?" 

It was supposed to be a joke, but neither had it in them to make it one at the moment.

"Yeah." Akira's hold tightened, "Already have."

"Over little old me?" Akechi chuckled, but the sound was humorless, "I would have thought the great Joker would have far more important things to occupy his thoughts."

"You overestimate how much I actually plan." And underestimate how much I care about you.

"It's... it's comforting to know at least one person will miss me." 

Maybe was because he knew Akira couldn't see him, or maybe it was the impending eleventh hour getting to him, but the admission was so heartbreakingly honest Akira could hardly stand to hear it. While he knew Akechi didn't have family, and he saw how quickly he disappeared from the public's thoughts, it had yet to register that he may be the only one to actually mourn him. 

"I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life." Akira held him as close as he could, feeling Akechi's heartbeat thudding against his own ribs from the other side despite the layers between them, "Who else is going to keep me on my toes?"

A wet laugh broke from him, messy and honest and a little deranged, "Selfishly I hope you never find an answer to that."

"Me too." Akira agreed, "I'd rather just wait to see you again in the next life."

"Disgusting." Akechi's tone sat in opposition of the way he finally relaxed against Akira, "Do you really believe in that nonsense?"

"I've ridden around in a bus that was also a talking cat, rencarnation doesn't sound that implausable."

"Touche." 

"I hope it's true." Akira answered anyway, "I'd-- I'd like to live beside you. For real this time."

Akechi didn't anwer, but his hands clenched tighter where they were bunched into the fabric of Akira's jacket. 

Akira didn't mind the silence this time. It was heavy, but it wasn't oppressive this time. He'd found an emergency exit for the things he'd long left unsaid, and though he was no closer to feeling at peace with any of this, he did feel less regretful. 

With Akechi's shoulders now relaxed, Akira could see the sky above them. It had gotten dark, with a few of the most tenacious stars fighting to be seen through the city's light polution. It looked the same as it ever did here, murky and washed out, not like the sky back home. Yusuke would have said something about the way beauty could still be seen even in the least condusive circumstances, but Akira wasn't put together enough to attempt the thought. 

"Akira?" 

"Yeah, Goro?"

"Earlier, you asked me if I wanted to die." The words were so subdued, if he hadn't been holding him, Akira would never have thought they'd come from Akechi, "I told you that I thought I deserve to."

Akira didn't say anything, but Akechi wasn't looking for him to.

"I've done a great many horrible things in my life, most without remorse, as they were all in service of my ultimate goal. I still don't regret most of them, even those perpetrated against your friends. I'm a monster, and I know that. I've made peace with it. I always thought I would die at the end of all this, pragmatist that I am, I never made a single plan for what I would do after Shido was dealt with." 

"Where are you going with this...?"

"I'm not a man with a future, I never have been, so when you asked if I wanted to die... the answer was obvious to me. Of course I should die. But...that isn't what you asked." Akechi breathed out a long, heavy breath that made Akira's neck tingle, made his eyes flutter a little, "I don't... I don't want to die."

He sounded so small, so young, so unlike himself that it made Akira's chest ache, made him yearn to comfort him. There wasn't a thing he could say to make it better, for either of them, so he turned as he usually did, to action when words failed him.

He pressed a kiss to the top of his head, then to his temple, then his forehead as he could reach them. He was trembling, or Akechi was, but he couldn't tell the difference at this point.

 He wanted to tell him that dying wouldn't fix the things that he'd done, or that he'd only done them because of Shido, or a million other platitudes he'd see right through. But even if he could make his mind connect with his mouth again, he knew Akechi well enough to know any of those would only sound like pity to him. The best he could do was to hold him while they processed the latest addition to their heaping plate of misery. 

"This second life of yours'..." Akechi eventually spoke again, "What would it look like?"

"A lot like this." Akira managed to force through his choked off throat, "But, you know, happier."

Akechi hummed, his hands now mindlessly rubbing against Akira's sides in a way that made him suspect the only thing he regularly showed affection to were probably dogs.

"You'd still want to fist fight me in a park somewhere?"

"Definitely." Akira nodded, "You need it."

"I need it? If someone were not there to kick down your ego every so often, you'd never fit through a door again."

"Same goes for you, Mr. Ace High School Detective." Akira nearly snorted, "If I had a ten yen coin for every time I heard a group of girls screaming about you, I could have just paid off Kaneshiro outright." 

Akechi rolled his eyes so hard his whole body moved with him, "I think they mistook me for an idol."

"You're pretty enough to be."

"Have you always been this shameless a flirt, or is this some new feature I've been unlucky enough to uncover?" Akechi sounded exhasperated, though Akira could feel his face flush from where it was still pressed against him.

"Yes."

They continued on like that, trading barbs and bodyheat until it was too cold to stay out any longer. Akira nearly managed to put tomorrow from his mind when Akechi allowed him to take his hand as they walked back to the train station. 

The world had a sense of vertigo to it that had little to do with the liminal space of a late night train ride. There were too many factors for Akira to pick just one, but it resulted in a subdued ride that faded into a subdued walk, broken only by Morgana's screeched complaints about how long they'd been gone. If he saw their hands, still entwined at their sides, he kept blessedly quiet about it.

Well, until Akechi followed Akira into Le Blanc.

"What is he still doing here?" Morgana groused, "Go home, tomorrow is going to be busy."

"I was invited to stay." Akechi said archly, dropping his jacket over the back of one of the barstools. 

Morgana threw a betrayed look at Akira who was busying himself making them each a bowl of curry, as they'd missed dinner.

"Uh, earth to Joker?" Morgana hopped up onto the counter in front of him, "That's a terrible idea! In case you forgot, he's literally shot you in the face before!"

"Don't care." Akira easily answered, hip checking the fridge closed.

Morgana couldn't have looked more shocked if he tried, contrasted sharply by Akechi's sharp smile.

"Oh, I like this side of you." He needled, "Rebellion suits you."

"Thanks."

"Hold on, back up, wait wait wait!" Morgana shook his head, "What's gotten into you, did he brainwash you?!"

Akira set down the food, taking a deep breath to calm himself before turning back to the black and white cat. 

"No. He didn't. I know the risks, Morgana, thank you." He replied evenly, "But you heard Maruki earlier. This...this is probably the last time I'm going to get to see him."

"You should be doing cartwheels about that!" Morgana shouted, big blue eyes wide with disbelief, "I know you're sentimental but jeez!"

"He was my wish, Morgana." The words came out a bit sharper than he meant for them to and he forced his usual calm to come to him, "Out of all the things Maruki could have used to try to keep me from fighting him, he picked Akechi. Think about that for a second."

It took almost a full minute, in which time Akira got both himself and Akechi dished up. He was opening a can of tuna for Morgana when a slow, pained 'Ooh' reached his ears. 

"Okay. I get it now. I can't say I understand or...approve, but I get it."

Akira hummed to himself as he sat down beside Akechi.

"Wait, where is he sleeping?"

Akira looked down over his glasses at Morgana, taking a purposeful, slow bite of his food.

"Right... I'm going to Futaba's." 

With that, the little cat popped up and all but ran to the door, jiggling the handle down to let himself out. 

"I had no idea Morgana could be so considerate." Akechi chuckled, "I think you may have scarred him for life with those insinuations of your intentions with me."

"Who's insinuating?" Akira took another bite of his food. 

Akechi froze mid bite, but recovered himself quickly enough that someone else likely wouldn't have noticed it at all. As it was, Akira was paying enough attention to even catch the light blush that painted itself across his cheeks.

"Bold of you to assume I'd be so easy, Kurusu." Akechi quirked a brow, his expression otherwise flat.

"Bold of you to assume I couldn't win you over anyway." Akira retorted, bouncing the verbal tennis ball back into Akechi's court. 

"You have that much faith in yourself, huh? You of all people should know how stubborn I can be."

"You want to make this a bet?" Akira fought to keep his expression as neutral as ever. 

Akechi's smile flashed across his face, like a knift glinting in the sun. 

"Generally a safe manipulation tact, but you're going to have to do better than that." He sat back, folding his arms.

Damn.

"Before we get into this arguement, I'm going to need you to be sure you can handle the reprocussions of losing it." Akira countered, mimicking Akechi's posture but with the addition of folding his legs at the knee.

Akechi's brows made for his forehead in a brief moment of shock, but he quickly brought them back under his control. 

"I think I can handle anything you throw my way. Surely if nothing else, I've proven that by now." 

Akira nodded, a smile gradually blooming across his face as he sat forward.

"Alright then." 

[iinuyashaa]

“For Your Own Protection” Chp. 1

(a KohRin + slight SessKag series)

The wind whirled through Sesshomaru’s hair as he soared just beneath the cover of clouds towards the village of Edo, and the Lord of the Western Lands was quietly grateful for the breeze that lapped against his skin as he flew. The summer season had been unusually hot and sticky, the air annoyingly clinging to one’s skin should they decide to make a now seemingly perilous journey under the sun and outside of the shade provided by one’s hut. Despite his historically high tolerance for discomfort, even Sesshomaru could admit to himself that after a day’s travel, there was nothing more he wanted to do than rid himself of his robes and hurl himself into the nearest spring to wash the invisible grime of the day off his being.

No matter, he reconciled to himself, blinking his eyes and tilting his head downwards to once again focus his gaze on the land far below his feet. There was no time for musing about the heat— he had a mission to carry out. Inhaling deeply, his expert nose picked up the scents he was looking for: cooked meats, spices and herbs, and, well, human sweat. And his half-brother. He didn’t know which smell to grimace at more. Yes, he was on the right path. Edo couldn’t possibly be too far from him now.

His intuitions were correct. It took Sesshomaru but a few more minutes until he began his descent into the village, working diligently, as he glided to the ground, to dismiss the narratives of loathing that danced in his mind about the precious manufactured breeze slipping away from him and the sights, sounds, and smells of the village inevitably beginning to assault his heightened senses. The sun hung high in the sky, and he could hear the insects singing in the grass around him as his feet gracefully met the earth. Rolling back his shoulders under his heavy armor, Sesshomaru furrowed his eyebrows. When did he become so accustomed to whining like a pup? It must be the heat.

Or you’re becoming grumpier as you age, a voice eerily akin to that of the shikon miko, with a confidence so unusual for a woman in this era to have in speaking to a being of higher status, teasingly whispered in the back of his mind. He blinked, rejecting the notion. No, it was certainly the heat. He almost paused to wonder why the voice had sounded like…

Sesshomaru closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Deciphering that will have to wait. I have matters to attend to.

He wasn’t afforded much time to scan his surroundings before a shorter figure clad in purple robes barreled through the reed doors of a hut to his right with a shout, making his head turn towards the commotion.

“Lord Sesshomaru! You’ve returned!” Rin practically rejoiced, her arms outstretching towards him and voice ringing with a tone of glee that reminded him of the sound of summer chime bells ringing on the many human temples he’d passed on his travels. Sesshomaru turned to face her, catching her shoulders just before she could slam into him with what he had been previously informed was called a hug. Truth be told, even after years of having her under his care, he was still becoming accustomed to the reality that humans felt far more inclined to hug their loved ones in a warm embrace upon meeting. Such a display of affection had not happened during his childhood, at least. As if instinctually, one of his large hands found its way to the top of the girl’s head, gently resting there as she smiled up at him. If one was watching intently enough, they would notice how his normally ambivalent expression faded away, his gaze softening and his lips tugging into a small smile as he looked at the smaller, more cheerful form beside him.

“Rin… It’s good to see you. Are you well?” he asked, already knowing the answer. It was almost a silly question. Of course she was doing fine. He wouldn’t have allowed her to reside here in the village if he didn’t trust the human adults nearby to care for her. Regardless of his typical disdain for Inuyasha, Sesshomaru knew, deep down inside, that his half-brother would be at the ready to defend his precious Rin at a moment’s notice should the need arise. It was one of his younger sibling’s few redeeming qualities.

“Oh, yes! I’ve been well. Kaede-sama and Kagome-sama have been teaching me all about herbs, salves, potions, spices… I even learned how to fix broken bones last moon! Did I tell you that I’m thinking of becoming a healer? With a couple of more years of training, Kaede-sama says that I’ll…” The young girl’s voice prattled on excitedly, draining out into a sort of muffled background noise as he looked down at her, watching his adoptive daughter’s hands flurry about as she explained something. Admittedly, he didn’t hear much more of it. As he looked at her form, Sesshomaru felt a wave of… Sadness? Regret? No, those weren’t exactly right. It was something more akin to a sense of fleetingness.

How much had she grown since he’d last seen her? It had only been, what, seven moons? She was certainly taller now, and her kimono needed tailoring, as it was now climbing up her shin. Not scandalously, of course, but enough to where he noticed. He’d have put that on the list of things to inquire about—if there was any seamstress in the village, he could pay to have it adjusted. Or just buy a new one.

Perhaps that’d be easier. A new kimono that isn’t drenched in sweat from the heat would probably make her feel more comfortable. I will set aside some money, Sesshomaru mused to himself, continuing to analyze her.

Rin’s hair was a darker shade of brownish black now, and her cheeks were no longer as full and rosy and, dare he recall how the miko had once cooed, squishable, as they had been when she was a younger child. Her once cheeky smile, dotted with empty spaces where teeth would one day grow, was now full of dull, adult human teeth that made up a welcoming, gentle smile. Sesshomaru understood that she was sixteen years of age now… but that didn’t mean he wasn’t somewhat startled. Rationally, he knew full well that humans progressed through aging at rapid-fire speed compared to youkai. The demon lord had just never been an eyewitness to the process until now.

An even darker realization soon sprouted in his thoughts, a macabre reminder of his true reason for visiting the village.

If anyone… or any remotely powerful demon… were to attack the village, she’d almost be the perfect prey. Young, beautiful, and practically defenseless. There are those in the lands who would take advantage of her in the most horrific ways possible if they had the chance. I would hunt anyone down and kill them as revenge, of course, if they so much as looked at her in a defiling manner… But it’s still an unsavory thought. This cannot continue, especially with the rumors… The thoughts tugged and swirled around one another in his mind in a sort of torturous dance, causing his expression to sour.

Unbeknownst to Sesshomaru, Rin had slowly ceased her chatter and watched inquisitively as her lord’s eyes narrowed to gaze towards the dusty traveler’s road in the distance behind her. The teenager knew what that meant: her protector was deep in thought. She decided she could tell him more about her studies later. Just as Rin parted her lips to chirp an invitation inside and fill the momentary silence, Sesshomaru looked down towards her again, cutting her off.

“Let us not stay in the heat any longer, Rin. Is that elderly miko here? I must speak with her.”

Rin nodded her head, lifting her hand in the direction of the one-eyed miko’s hut. “Yes, Kaede-sama’s just inside. The others are here too! Ah, you’ll get to see almost everyone!” She nearly squealed out in response, turning on her heel to lead him to the dwelling. One could have joked that Sesshomaru almost followed obediently. How the tables had turned indeed—anything for him to escape melting under the sun.

Leaning forward so as to duck his way through the small entranceway of the old miko’s home, the crackly, hoarse voice of the one he knew as Kaede met his ears as she straightforwardly greeted him. “Lord Sesshomaru… Welcome to our village. What brings you here this time?”

The demon-slayer siblings, sitting adjacent to the shikon miko, looked up at him in mild surprise. Kagome, however, sent him her usual small, polite smile and greeted him on behalf of her sitting companions. “Yes, Sesshomaru-sama… It’s good to see you. I hope your travels weren’t too tiring.”

Sesshomaru paused. The boy and his older sister were here as well, hm? Interesting. And potentially useful. Rin rolled back and forth on her feet as she stood next to him, sending quick glances between himself and to the boy who had traveled with him before, Kohaku.

“I have come to discuss something urgent. Is the half-breed around as well? What of the monk?” Sesshomaru question, his voice setting a more serious tone for the conversation as his eyes scanned the room.

Kagome and the female slayer – Sango, Sesshomaru reminded himself – both nearly laughed, already knowing who he was referring to. They routinely wondered when the dog demon would finally come around to calling them their actual names. Sango spoke this time, “Inuyasha and Miroku are both out on a mission. A nearby village has been having some trouble with a boar youkai going on a rampage against the farmers and their crops.”

“Sounds inconvenient.” Sesshomaru curtly replied as he glanced across the room. Why was the slayer boy trying to hide his smile towards his ward? Did he think he was coy?

“Well, before you tell us the news, would you like some fresh water, Lord Sesshomaru?” Rin piped up in question, gently tugging on the robe covering his left arm and diverting the dog demon’s attention to her once more. Under normal circumstances the demon lord would have refrained from nourishing himself in front of others… But his dry throat told a different story. He quietly nodded to Rin. “And please, sit down!” she added, motioning him to sit. Sesshomaru buckled, as usual when it came to her, trying to plop down on the dirt floor beneath him as regally as possible.

All eyes were on him. “So,” Kagome began, easing everyone into conversation as she had almost always done, “What rumors do you have for us today? It must be serious for you to visit so unexpectedly.”

“Four moons ago,” began Sesshomaru, “I had heard whispers of a band of demons and humans nearly one hundred strong working together to raid human villages in the east. I didn’t think much of it before— it sounded incredulous at the time. Humans and demons collaborating to pillage? I brushed it off as nonsense.” His companions patiently soaked in his words, waiting for him to continue.

“Yet days ago, along the border between the west and east, I found three decimated villages filled with rotting corpses, all violated in a myriad of ways on the eastern side. Some were obviously carved apart using claws; others were sliced with swords. The women were defiled in ways I care not to speak of. While I cannot say with complete certainty that humans were the aggressors, I certainly scented the remnants of demon kind. And humans that were still alive. My instinct tells me not to disregard this.” Sesshomaru silently acknowledged Rin with a glance, who had gently placed a teacup filled with water in his open hand. He took a sip, relishing the cool liquid on his tongue.

“Given these rumors and my findings, I have made the decision that I’m going to remain here in the village for the next moon to keep watch in the event that they decide to cross the border.” He looked over at Rin who – to his surprise – had moved to sit next to the demon slayer boy. Sesshomaru’s eyes narrowed at the sight. Why wasn’t she sitting next to him? “Rin, you and I will be training together in the morning every day. Fighting. Self-defense. As much as I can teach you.”

Rin’s eyes widened to the size of saucers. “T-Training? A-And you’re living with us?” The words stammered out of her mouth in surprise.

“Do you believe me to have misspoken, Rin?” Sesshomaru questioned, setting the cup down in front of him.

It was Kaede’s turn to join the fray of conversation, her voice croaking in protest. “Nay, Lord Sesshomaru. That won’t be happening.”

His head quickly turned to glare at the old woman who was on the path to quickly being filed as ‘old hag’ in his mind. “Rin is focusing her studies on healing, and she’s excelling wonderfully. She may not have any spiritual power as a miko, but she’s a talented healer. I can’t have you pausing her studies for training how to fight—not when you’ve never taught her anything before and there are so many others here around her that are more than capable of defending the village. Besides, where would you reside? We have no empty huts for you.”

Sesshomaru’s lip nearly curled in irritation. He hated being questioned. What he despised even more was some wrinkly miko pointing out something that he knew he should have done much earlier.

“It doesn’t matter. I’ve decided this is best for Rin, and it will be happening. That is final.” Sesshomaru countered, the tone of his voice demanding acquiescence. “I will take care of my own accommodations. I do not need a home in the traditional sense.”

An irritatingly familiar voice boomed from the doorway behind him. “If this were such a big deal, why didn’t you take the band out before, huh? I thought you could handle hundred demons or so easily.” Sesshomaru nearly rolled his eyes. This is becoming more troublesome by the second, he grumbled internally.

The elder dog-demon shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, not even looking at this nuisance half-breed of a brother behind him. He heard the shuffling of Inuyasha’s fire rat as his sweat-drenched form sauntered into the room. The monk followed closely behind, settling next to his wife. That trademark, faint, all-knowing smile – the one where it seemed like the perverted monk knew something you didn’t know – crept onto his features. It irked Sesshomaru.

“The bloodshed was not occurring on my territory. Why should I be bothered? Only fools like yourself would go out of their way to intervene,” Sesshomaru stated coldly in response, meeting eyes with Rin. She looked troubled at his words. For a split second, the mighty youkai lord felt himself hastening to review the sentences in his mind once more, wondering what he had said to make such a painful look pool in her eyes. It came to him within a moment.

I suppose I did intervene when it came to Rin.

“Keh,” Inuyasha spat under his breath, crossing his arms across his chest. “Do whatever you want. I’m a little annoyed that you don’t think we can’t handle something so basic as a band of raiders.”

An unexpected voice shot into the discourse. “I’ll help train Rin.”

Sesshomaru, along with all of the other heads in the room, turned towards the younger of the siblings as he stood up. Kohaku. Sesshomaru arched an eyebrow. “You?” He shook his head, nearly chuckling. “No, that will not be necessary.”

“I actually think that’s a wonderful idea!” Rin exclaimed, and Sesshomaru’s eyes, if one was watching carefully, nearly widened. What was this madness? “I can learn from two of the best fighters I know… You, Lord Sesshomaru, and Kohaku. He’s become even stronger since you last saw him. He even fought off a bear youkai all by himself a few moons ago…” The teenage girl prattled, the saddened expression across her face just moments ago wiped away with expectation.

“I’m right here, you know.” Inuyasha griped, receiving a stern look of exasperation from Kagome at the thought of him being offended by Rin’s comment about battle prowess of all things.

Before the taiyoukai could even get a word in, the monk interjected.

“I don’t think that would be completely unwise, Lord Sesshomaru. She’d be exposed to a more diverse array of weapons, fighting styles, and techniques… She would even be able to spar with someone roughly her age and size.”

Sesshomaru didn’t like this feeling. Somewhere under the robes covering his arms, his knuckles flexed. Gods, if I could strangle the monk right now, I would, he thought to himself. When it came to the size of a sparring partner, though, the monk did have a point. It was important for those training to face practice foes that were large and small, a true emulation of the battlefield.

It seemed like the world stopped turning as all eyes looked to him for his decision. He looked once more at Rin, succumbing to the realization that if allowing the slayer boy to participate in her training made her more enthusiastic to learn crucial life-saving skills…

“Fine.” Sesshomaru rumbled, looking at the pair. “We begin tomorrow in the nearby meadow at dawn. Don’t be late.”

----

As night fell, Sesshomaru leaned against the thick willow tree outside of the hut owned by the old miko, looking up at the moon above him. He needed time to think about how best to introduce Rin to this world of weapons and war and fighting, and the summer night’s breeze was perfect weather for doing so. The dog demon certainly never thought that going to such great lengths to shield her from these subjects would potentially handicap her one day in the future. A sudden ache, deep inside, flashed across his chest when he thought about the tiny Rin he had found ravaged by the wolves or, in another universe, her being a small child and sloppily waving a sword around against an adversary. He didn’t care for either image— the murdered child or the child soldier.

Inside, he felt… torn? Yes, that was the right word, he supposed. As her protector, daresay her father-figure, there was nothing more Sesshomaru felt inclined to do than to be there, ready and waiting, to exterminate any possible threat that his Rin could encounter. He knew he could handle it. Despite the younger miko’s – oh, he was really acknowledging it, now – teasing voice in his mind, he knew he was not geriatric enough to be unable to protect her. Sesshomaru knew it would be no problem… when he was near. But what if one day he wasn’t so close by?

She was getting older, growing into her own. Rin was bound to one day push against the boundaries he’d set and run off into mischief, no? What if she found herself alone in the woods picking herbs… Or traveling to a nearby village… Any she was attacked by someone? Or if the raiders came on a day where the usual protector group – his half-brother, the miko, the monk, and the slayer – were out? He couldn’t possibly hover over her all her life. The scenarios flashed in his mind, one after another. These were dangerous times. She was his ward. It was his duty to make sure she was protected in any possible scenario.

More than anything, as much as it conflicted him to admit it, he didn’t want her to entirely rely on any single male – including himself – for protection. Sesshomaru knew that he needed to equip her with at least some degree of fighting skills. It was for her own good, just like encouraging her to live in the human village was. He’d made wise decisions as her protector before, no? Surely this recent decision would be beneficial too.

The scent of the miko – the younger, thankfully, not the older – suddenly wafted its way to his sensitive nose. Looking towards his left, he watched Kagome walk towards him, a basket of herbs perched upon her hip.

“Good evening, miko,” He began, curious at himself why the words came so freely from his lips. Kagome smiled, waving her hand as she responded, “I hope I’m not interrupting. You seem lost in thought. Want to talk?”

“Hn.” Sesshomaru didn’t know about that. Did she not know he was not one to discuss such private matters so freely?

“Alright,” She continued, flipping a lock of black hair behind her shoulder, “I’ll do the talking then. You seemed pretty tense in there earlier… So, I wanted to check on you. Offer some reflections, too, if you’ll take them.”

Reflections? The dog demon’s ears nearly perked up at this. Yet he stayed silent.

“I have a feeling your sudden concern for Rin’s safety isn’t because you don’t trust us to take care of her. You just… want her to be able to rely on herself more. For her own protection. Am I thinking in the right direction?” The priestess prodded, arching an eyebrow at him. He glanced at her, not yet wanting to respond.

“If it is that, then I applaud you. You’re doing what any parent should do: help their child be more self-sufficient and give them the skills they’ll need for life instead of coddling her. I can imagine it’s a little scary, though.”

“It is not scary. I fear nothing.” Sesshomaru countered, crossing his arms and staring straight ahead. Kagome joined his gaze towards mountains across what must be countless kilometers of meadows.

“Uncomfortable, then,” Kagome corrected. Sesshomaru paused.

“Perhaps.”

“I was in a similar situation with Shippo not too long ago… When we were battling Naraku, even the idea of leaving him on his own while we fought was agonizing. He wasn’t very good at fighting or even that skilled in trickery back then. I was always worried that if I or someone else weren’t right there with him, he’d be hurt somehow.”

At the feeling of a warm hand reassuringly resting on his upper arm, Sesshomaru looked down at the woman beside him in surprise. First hugs. Now this? Touching him? These humans… He admonished himself for becoming too informal with them. Though, he did not feel any urgent pressure to remove her hand.

“You’re doing the right thing. That’s all I want to say.” Sesshomaru listened intently, nodding his head to acknowledge her words. Though he didn’t give a verbal response, Kagome somehow understood that he appreciated the sentiment. Suddenly, the miko blurted out a rather unrefined, yet utterly authentic, laugh. His eyebrow arched.

“What, miko?”

“Kagome,” she insisted, brushing a tear away from her eye as began to laugh harder. He stared at her incredulously. “Call me Kagome. But on the real note—I’m laughing because I just realized you were suckered into letting Kohaku train with you both. That should be entertaining… He… He must be terrified!”

Sesshomaru pursed his lips. Why would the boy be? He’d traveled and fought with Sesshomaru before. It’s not like he was going to hurt the young boy.

“Now, why is that?”

Kagome looked up at him head on, eyes gleaming under the starry night.

“Because… It’s so obvious that they are in the thralls of puppy love!”

Sesshomaru stared at her with a blank expression.

Puppy… what?

———

[*All characters belong to the great Rumiko Takahashi! Please enjoy some KohRin. I’ve been obsessed with this ship lately as an act of rebellion against what we were given in HnY… But I’m also a sucker for some sesskag, so there might be some sprinkling of it in here, too. I love the idea of Sesshomaru (like any other dad) struggling to come to terms with his daughter entering a new phase of life and his place in it! He’s treading new waters. I’m not for sure how long this will end up being… Nonetheless, please enjoy!]

[halfmylife]

Steel and Servitude

Pairing Osferth x OC

Summary Osferth and Haeddi stop for camp and decide to get to know one another, no matter how awkward the conversation might be.

Warnings None

A/N I absolutely love writing for these two and I’m so excited to introduce them to the gang in the next part! This part is much shorter than the first but part 3 will be longer!

Part 1 || Part 2

The journey so far had been relatively easy for the pair. There was little conversation between the two yet Osferth was always quick to break the silence with small complaints about the journey or even to try and get Haeddi to speak, yet she was stubborn and uninterested. This didn’t seem to bother the young monk.

They had decided to settle down for the night, camping in the woods with clear sight lines around them in case they would get ambushed but it was unlikely. After all, what would a woman and a monk have of any value all the way out here.

A fire had been lit and Osferth had made them some food. Haeddi couldn’t deny that he made excellent stew but was hesitant to shower the boy in compliments. She was prodding at the embers when curiosity got the better of her.

“I have a question for you.” The words splurged out before she could stop them. The question was one she’d had for a while. “Why does a monk wish to serve a danish lord?”

“I would like to be a warrior, just as my uncle was.” Osferth spoke with so much conviction that Haeddi was almost certain he would make it as one.

“And that’s it?” She recollected a similar answer for his need of a sword. Her brow arched as she looked at him fully. “You’re doing all this just to be warrior? No other reason?”

“Why does a woman want to be a blacksmith?” he remarked quickly, without a thought. When he saw her expression soften his own dropped, his cheeks flushing. “I did not mean to offend you.”

“And you haven’t.” She gave a soft smile. It was the first he thought he’d seen her smile since they left Winchester. Her eyes glazed over as she stared into the fire, thinking of home, thinking of her father. The thought alone made her heart sink. “It’s all I know. My father was a blacksmith so he taught me everything. I knew he always wanted a son but he was cursed with me and did what he could.”

“I do not think it was a curse, you are just as good as any man.” Osferth paused before he spoke but his words seemed certain. The young monk was certainly assured of his own statement.

“You seem to be an expert on the subject.” Haeddi joked though there was an undertone beneath her words. What could this monk know of being a blacksmith? Of being a woman? “I made myself the best I could be but it was never enough. I came with you because I was going to have to close the shop anyway. Who wants a woman making them swords and armour?” Winchester certainly did not. Haeddi knew she had become a last resort or the blacksmith many would turn to when the others were too busy. She had become something of an expert in making horseshoes.

A silence surrounded them for a moment with only the fire crackling dissolving any awkwardness. Osferth thought for a moment, the tips of his fingers grazing over the hilt of his sword.

“I’m glad it was you that made my sword.” He admitted so quietly it was a wonder Haeddi even heard him. His face was somber, his eyes never leaving the glow of the fire. “Most men would’ve turned me away. You didn’t.” Haeddi had every right to turn down the monk to send him off without a sword. But perhaps she saw herself in him. Lost in the world and looking to find a purpose. Both of them had been underestimated.

“Why did you come to me?” She asked curiously, watching him through the flames of the fire. His cheeks had a warm glow to them, his eyes sparkling. Osferth but his cheek for a moment, almost too nervous to answer the woman.

“No one sees me as a warrior, I was ashamed to ask them to help me.” He admitted finally, his head dropping so that he wouldn’t have to look at the sympathetic look the woman gave him. Osferth knew that even she didn’t see him as such.

“That’s because you’re not a warrior.” She said far too confidently for his liking. For a moment Osferth thought he’d made a mistake, that perhaps he had gone to the wrong person. Maybe she was just like the rest. Two words eased that doubt. “Not yet.”

“I hope to be.” He smiled to himself, his eyes dancing over the flames as he thought of what his future might entail.

“These things take time, monk. Being a warrior is no easy feat.” Osferth noticed how soft her voice went when she spoke reassuringly, it was a stark contrast to the normal bluntness of her tone. He thought he would lose himself to the melody of her voice. “Get some rest, monk, we have a long journey tomorrow.”

[moonrainbowfish]

Pokémon Matchup for @tolkien-fantasy

Leon would be, without a doubt, an excellent partner. He's confident, considerate and strong!

I don't even think any words in the english language exist to describe how much I literally ship you guys!

The relationship tropes I'd use to describe it would include: Jock x Nerd, Tall x Small (I love relationship with height differences), Mutual pining, and Friends to Lovers

Speaking of strength.. should you ever get tired, Leon would happily carry you around all day. He really adores the flushed look on your cute face every time he picks you up💕

He's really amazed at how smart you are like holy Miltank! Your intellect is really attractive to him, and he loves showing you off to others

Of course, he'll never push you too far. He's a very respectful man and always makes sure to never cross your boundaries

While I don't think learning a language is easy for him, he'll definitely want you to teach him some german or any kind of language you're currently learning. Oh, and no, it's definitely not because he wants to be close to you and loves it when you info dump, oh no... well, okay! Maybe a little bit, but he has to admit when he hears you speak about your passions, he can't help but fall for you even more than he already has 💜

When you playfully call him pet names in german, he can't help but grin like a total idiot. Even if he doesn't know what it means at first. His favourite word being "Liebling" 🩷

He enjoys giving you all sorts of terms of endearment just as much, from babe, sweetheart, little champ, his cheerleader, sunshine, you name it!

You're his biggest and greatest motivation everytime he goes to battle in the arena. Leon can't help but chuckle at the thought of you sitting somewhere in the ranks and cheering for him

And even if you can't, he'll be just as happy to meet you after his match and tell you all about how it went. He doesn't want to overwhelm you, so he makes sure to give you space at needed times

Out of all his Pokémon I think his Dragapult would totally adore you. The ghost/dragon type just loves to float around you, you being an expert in ghost types after all. It's really adorable.. no matter who it is you're faced with, how much your presence alone makes anyone adore you, no matter man or Pokémon

You just have that endearing vibe. That makes people feel cozy and at home. Drawing them in like a moth to a warm flame. It was also that side of yours, which made Leon fall for you, very hard

Even his brother Hop looks up to you and secretly is already picturing Leon and your wedding inside his head

Leon would always be there to remind you to take care of yourself. He's your partner, buddy, and shoulder to cry on. Your rock and protector. Always there to defend you, should the time ever call for it. Even though he knows how truly strong you are yourself, he can't help but get a little overprotective at times. I mean, being the significant other of a champion sure is exhausting at times, but he's very understanding

When Leon settles for someone, that being you, he wants to be with them for life. He'd be incredibly loyal, always by your side, whenever he has the time and also because you're there to guide the way since usually this himbo has no flipping sense of direction whatsoever, haha

He's so enamored with you, Tori! One day, you gave him a little bracelet you handcrafted yourself, and he's been wearing it with pride ever since. He wears it as a good luck charm to Pokémon battles... even when he goes to sleep. This guy almost never takes it off! (Dude, I really wish I was able to draw this. Awww, this is so cute💖)

Your writing is really fascinating to him. The way you're able to describe the characters so well and how each story you write makes want to him read all about your stuff even more

Don't even get me started on your drawings. Leon will frame them and hang them all around the house until your face is as red as a tomato from all the praise you're getting

He'll totally shower you in compliments and leans down to give you forehead kisses. He loves how small you are compared to him, gently taking your smaller hand in his bigger one, or giving you piggy back rides, if you feel exhausted.

From time to time, when he feels really like being cheesy, he even kneels down and kisses your hand, like those knights in movies do with the princess. Loving the way your face immediately flushes red. The way your beautiful brown locks frame your gorgeous face and the blue eyes that sparkle at him in pure love and adoration. He simply can't get enough of you, Tori! ❤

[carolinemillerbooks]

New Post has been published on Books by Caroline Miller

New Post has been published on https://www.booksbycarolinemiller.com/musings/tortoise-and-the-hare-revisted/

Tortoise And The Hare Revisted

I’m going to tell a story with a moral.  An old man once traveled to Saudi Arabia to plead for oil from the reigning prince.  The prince, a man of middle years, enjoyed wielding power, and so he took delight in waving the old man away, certain he had humiliated his visitor. As the gates of the palace closed behind him, the old man was humbled. His people needed oil. What was he to do? Returned to his homeland, an idea struck him. He had oil, thousands and thousands of barrels saved for an emergency.  “This is an emergency,” he said aloud in his empty office.  The resolve in his voice convinced him what he’d deduced was true.  The next day, he began to sell his reserves on the world market.  This sudden surplus forced prices to fall.  In his faraway kingdom, the prince panicked.  When the value of oil dropped below $100 a barrel, he sold much of his holdings rather than suffer more loss. The glut dropped prices further.  When oil fell to $70 a barrel, the old man bought as much as he could.  Soon, he’d replenished his reserves at an enormous savings.  Some of the profits he used to subsidize the price of gasoline, a decision which made his people happy.  The story is true, as you may have guessed.  In 2023, experts thought Joe Biden was mad to challenge the Saudis. But he wasn’t mad or a doddering old man.  He was a wily coyote, wise enough to spook a prince and make history. The moral of the story is simple. Those who dismiss the power of experience are fools.     The young are inclined to make the prince’s mistake.  They equate old with being “out of touch.” The rest of us must forgive them, of course.  The young have never been old.  It’s natural for them to spend their days focusing on the cosmetics of things. Heroes must be vigorous enough to leap tall buildings in a single bound. A man who walks stiffly in his years or speaks with a stutter must be behind the times.      The myths about aging are countless. That the brain’s function declines over the years is one of them. Wrong! The brain is plastic.  It changes. It may lose some abilities but it gains others.  Think of the infant who babbles in its crib until it learns the sounds it mimics have meaning.  Experience informs our understanding. Neurologically speaking, wisdom is the ability to see patterns where others don’t see them…and to make predictions about what is likely to happen next. Oldsters aren’t fast….but they are better… at seeing the big picture.  (Successful Aging, by Daniel  J. Levitin, Random House Large Print, 2020, pg. 58) I admit my brain works slower at 87 than it did when I was 20. Nonetheless, I say to my peers who worry about poor recall, think of memories as books in a library. The greater the inventory, the longer it takes to run through the card catalog.  Be patient with yourselves. Remember, too, that speed is a measure of nothing unless a person wants to participate in a hot dog-eating contest.  Aesop’s fable about the tortoise and the hare contains a potent lesson for those who are attentive.    Old age has many blessings, by the way.  I haven’t fretted about pimples for decades. Snarky jibes on TikTok weigh less than dandruff to me.  As for the frenzy to find a mate and raise children, most of us facing the downhill of life no longer see those obligations in our rearview mirror. Ahead, lie years of play with grandchildren.  How much better to sit down with them to an imaginary tea than be obliged to change diapers?    The young may accuse me of lying, but the old are happier than those with their whole lives ahead of them.  Studies have confirmed that even without cleavage or a full head of hair, the old, having achieved emotional stability, enjoy what’s known as the La Dolce Vita effect.   We are happiest at 82 Older adults are more content with what they have, more self-contained, and laid back… Mood disorders, anxiety, and behavior problems decrease… (Successful Aging, by Daniel  J. Levitin, Random House Large Print, 2020, pg. 33.) I am well past  82 and consider that number to be conservative concerning happiness.  Caveats exist, of course.  Successful aging requires good health and a continuing curiosity. I began my writing career in my 60s.  Some of my peers have become remarkable watercolorists in their later years.  Best of all, we old have the leisure to help others, a connection that makes people happy at any age.  Thank heavens for plastic brains!  Which brings me back to Biden.  I plan to vote for him along with millions of old folks in the upcoming election.  Those who complain about his slow walk, thinning hair, and words interrupted by pauses would do better to stop thinking like teenagers.  Vladimir Putin doesn’t give a fig about Biden’s slow gait. What he fears is Biden’s wisdom. When I think about age, I think of the poet, Helen Keller.  Mute, deaf, and blind since birth, she lived a full life and died at 87.  The secret to her success might have been this. She decided to never count the years.