#I actually don't really blame customers for not liking hair in their food or any other non optimal conditions it's just that after

[starscreamingg]

don't get customers who make back of house remake food because they found a hair. It's a hair. Free protein. If I found a hair in my food I'd ask the management to give everyone working the kitchen a raise. Keep on nourishing your customers kings you're doing a great job and can do no wrong

[mykingdomforasong]

Skysolo where Han is a chef and Luke is a cute regular

T, Han's pov + Han Solo trying to ignore his feelings and failing completely. I'm also picturing this vaguely in the 1990s/early 2000s

[always accepting any prompt ideas. Gonna try to write more this weekend]

~

The greasy spoon diner Han found himself in was suppose to be a temporary stepping sone as he got settled in a new city. Really, his culinary skills could be put to better use making a mushroom risotto instead of bacon cheese burgers. But that wasn't in the cards yet.

And, anyway, it wasn't all bad. At least once a week one of those bacon cheeseburgers went to a handsome young professional-looking-type. Yuppie by day, Earring Magic Ken by night.

Luke was a regular on Monday nights, always taking a seat at the counter right in front of the window into the kitchen, letting him see Han in all his hair-netted glory.

He'd been a regular since before Han got hired, but Han had become fond of him. He'd started folding a paper placemat in half and scrawling "reserved" on blank side, making sure Luke always had his stool. Han had even started wearing his earring again; the window gave Luke a clear view of his right ear and single stud.

"Happy Monday," Luke said, picking up his reserved sign and tucking it into his shirt pocket.

"Your usual?" Han asked.

Luke nodded. Han wasted no time throwing his burger on the grill, ignoring the few other orders that had come in ahead.

He watched Luke through the window, trying to be subtle. The days were getting shorter, so the deep orange light of sunset was already flooding through the windows, making Luke's hair look almost ginger. He was reading some novel Han couldn't make out the name of, and he'd undone the top few buttons of his shirt and rolled up the sleeves. Han could tell he was strong under all the business casual.

Luke licked his finger to turn the page, and Han looked away, blaming the heat on his face on the flat top. He flipped Luke's burger, letting the sizzle hide his deep sigh.

He needed a smoke.

When Luke's burger was assembled and in the window, he shouted to Chewie that he was stepping outside.

"You told me you were trying to quit," Luke said. "Said not to let you go outside."

Han leaned forward on the window. "How'd you know I'm going out to smoke?"

Luke shrugged, his face red. "You're easy to read."

Han's heart or whatever did a little flip in his chest, not that he cared about it too much.

"Yeah well," He tried to think of something to say, "guess I won't go. Since I've got such a good smokers-anonymous sponsor and all."

Luke smiled. His food was still sitting still in the window. Han moved out of the kitchen into the dining room, and then behind the counter. He dropped Luke's plate in front of him.

"What great service," Luke said.

"I'm use to classier, faster-paced places," Han said. "I can make you something nicer one of these days."

"If you're so used to nicer places, what are you doing here?"

"I like the customers more," Han said. He spared Luke the sob story of there not being a single other job in this city. Besides, it wasn't a total lie.

"Well, if the chef ever does have recommendations, I'm open to some change," Luke said, biting into a fry.

"They don't have the stuff I'd need here. But I could probably whip you up something good at my place, if you'd ever be interested." He was already making a menu in his head.

Luke nodded. He took the "reserved" sign out of his pocket along with a pen that looked too rich for Han's blood. He wrote his phone number on it, before sliding it back to Han.

~

[I might write smut for this eventually 👀. It's about time I actually write some bottom Han instead of just implying it.]

[hopeless-lovex0]

I HAVE A DREAM (PART 8)

Kim Hongjoong Fanfic

Warning: Angst. Cheating. Heartbreak. Cursing. Fluff.

Hello fellow atiny and kpop stans 👋🏼 I am back with part 8 of I Have A Dream as promised. If any of you guys missed the last update or didn’t read the top part, from now on I will be updating every Friday so please look forwards to that 😃 Now I present to you guys I Have A Dream Part 8 😊

Y/N had never regretted anything more in her life then in that situation she was in that moment, the constant walking up and down the isles of clothing causing her already throbbing feet to swell in her white flowered sandals. In her hands, she carried multiple varieties of colored dresses and shirts.

A couple feet in front of her stood Mrs. Park with her hands also full, the excitement in her eyes causing them to glint in the sunlight. Never in her entire life had Y/N meet someone with such a deep passion for shopping, as if that person thrived off of just swiping their credit card left and right with multiple bags to accompany that action.

She really regretted calling Mrs. Park to hang for the day but as she giggled at her crazy squealing and constant fawning over the brand new collection of maternity dresses, she honestly couldn't ask for a better person to have in her life.

“ Y/N come over here! You need to try on the dresses I picked out.” Mrs. Park calls out and all y/n can do is sigh in defeat, knowing that she won't let her get away from her little fashion show.

Dragging her tired feet towards the dressing rooms she watches as Mrs. Park shoves multiple dresses in one of the small stalls, then turn towards her. “ Okay sweety, now just try on the dresses and show them to me! I'll love to see how you look in the bright colors!” Mrs. Park exclaims clapping her hands with an excited look on her face.

“ You know fall is just around the corner? Why am I trying out dresses?” Y/N says and all she gets in return is a blank stare. “ You can wear leggings under your dresses and plus once you get bigger all you'll be able to fit in are dresses. You'll thank me later baby girl so don't worry your pretty little head off.” Mrs. Park says as she pats her on the head.

“ Can we at least take a break after this? I'm hungry and my feet are killing me” Y/N says and Mrs. Park winces when she mentions her feet, remembering the days when she would limp from how swollen her feet we're during her pregnancy. Nodding her head, Mrs. Park shoos Y/N back into the dressing room telling her to try at least 3 out of all the dresses in the big pile.

Turning towards the pile, she picks two soft peach-colored dresses and a soft mustard colored knit dress. The softness of the dresses already convincing her that the three are the ones she'll purchase but she still decides to try them on for the sake of pleasing the older lady waiting for her outside the dressing room.

Tugging the dark blue curtain back, Y/N walks out the dressing room in the mustard dress and before she can say anything Mrs. Park starts fawning over her attracting the attention of the other customers in the store. “ Look at you honey!!” she squeals and Y/N can feel her face start flushing red from embarrassment.

“ Thanks, Mrs. Park” Y/N mumbles out causing Mrs. Park to reach forwards and pinch Y/N’s arm. “ What did I say y/n-sie~~~ Call me auntie” she whines out and all Y/N does is chuckle out, causing Mrs. Park to let out an almost childish like huff.

“ Can we go eat now? We can get back to dressing up later but right now I need some food in my system and it seems like I'm not the only one.” Y/N says as she rubs her stomach causing Mrs. Park to let out a gasp. “ Oh my goodness! Yes, of course! I can't let my two babies starve now can I?! Your brother would kill me if I somehow forgot to feed you two.” She says and with that she forces Y/N back into the dressing room, telling her to change back into her original dress.

Y/N doesn't need to be told twice because as soon as those words get out of Mrs. Park's mouth she books it back to the small room and changes back. Making sure that all her belongings are still in her purse and that she has the three dresses tucked under her arm, she quickly exits the dressing room and passes the other dresses to Mrs.Park to put them back. Walking towards the register, she takes out her wallet and waits for the cashier to ring her up.

Swaying on the heels of her feet, she waits for the cashier to tell her the total before the hairs on the back of her neck start to rise. The feeling of being watched again causing her to let out a shaky breath, the goosebumps that raise on her skin causing her to rub her arms up and down.

All throughout her day out with Mrs. Park, she had been feeling as if someone had a constant eye on her. The feeling of someone watching and following her every move scaring her beyond belief. She didn't tell Mrs. Park as she thought that maybe she was being paranoid, maybe it was Kyung Mi playing a prank on her, or maybe the little boy Jinyoung wanting to say hi to her again.

She honestly had no idea, but she was trying to keep the positive feeling in the air, knowing that freaking out and causing Mrs. Park to freak out as well would only ruin the day. Either way, if being followed and constantly being watched is what she felt then she knew she could hold out her own. The pink small taser and pepper spray shoved in the bottom of her purse reassuring her that she would be okay at least for a pregnant woman.

Paying for her dresses, she quickly shoved her credit card in her wallet and tucked it in her purse. Bidding the cashier a good day and a quick goodbye, she walked towards the exit where Mrs. Park (or in her case auntie) was standing and together they walked out the maternity clothing store.

Standing there for a couple of seconds, they start debating whether they should head towards the village's popular restaurant or towards the various food stalls lined just a block away. Knowing how packed the restaurant can get from working just across the place, they finally decide to head towards the crowded but not packed food stalls.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Mingi had never been one for conflict, always deciding to let things cool out before actually fixing the issue. From the looks of it, it seems as if Hongjoong and San were going to be fighting for a while and even though Mingi blamed no one but Hongjoong he really wished that everything would be resolved right away.

After the argument that broke out in the kitchen that morning the guys had spread around the big house wanting to escape the heavy tension that lingered on San. Wooyoung seemed to have gone to his room as well as San was sitting alone in the living room, staring blankly at the tv. Knowing that San would only drive himself insane with how quiet and how deep he was in his thoughts, Mingi decided that the least he could do was distract him for a couple of hours.

“ San, let's go out to the town square. I don't know were thing 2 is but he's obviously not going to help so let me be the one to comfort you for once.” Mingi says, breaking San from his train of thought.

“ I'll like to go... But what if we bump into y/n?.. I don't want her to think that we followed her and cause her to leave again.” San says as he rubs the skin between his eyes, letting Mingi know that whatever he was thinking about was causing him a headache.

“ Then I guess we'll just have to keep an eye out for her. C’mon you need fresh air and food. We can go get some food if you want.” Mingi walks towards San and lifts him up by the back of his shirt, causing San to let out a startled woah and stumble from the way Mingi was dragging him towards the door.

Knowing that Mingi won't take no for an answer, San takes his pair of brown boots and shoves them into his feet. Nodding towards Mingi, they both grab their wallets and phones exiting the big home and walking towards the town square.

Mingi knows that San just wants peace and quiet, the constant fighting with Hongjoong seeming to wear him down little by little due to his appearance. He wants San to let everything out, to finally be the same happy and giggly San but he knows that something like that won't be accomplished easily. The constant fighting not only affecting San and Hongjoong but all of them, all Mingi can do is pray that by the end of the month they can all return on good terms.

San expected Mingi to interrogate him the minute they walked out the door, but instead they both walked in silence. He exhales in relief mentally thanking Mingi that he didn't mention anything, the quiet chirping of the birds around them and the cool breeze dancing around them causing his shoulder to drop from their tense position.

Quickly arriving at the town square, they both decide to head towards the food stalls craving some spicy tteokbokki. They don't seems to make it far into the bustling food stalls before Mingi quickly grabs ahold of San’s sweatshirt and drags him behind a wall.

“ What happened?!? Why did you drag me over here?” exclaims San as he looks at Mingi and all Mingi does is tell him to be quiet and point towards the direction they were heading.

A couple of feet in front of them stood Y/N with Mrs. Park, the both of them giggling to each other while eating portions of glass noodles. They watch as the older one shoves more food towards Y/N telling her something before patting the younger ones swollen belly.

San stares at her in awe, the first time he saw her seemed like a blur and he didn't remember much but now he can clearly see her and watch as she freely throws her head back in amusement to something the older lady in front of her said.

He lets a small smile invade his face as he watches in adoration, the sight of her being happy and healthy causing his heart to beat rapidly. Beside him, Mingi stares at Y/N in wonder. The sight of the woman he once knew as somewhat quiet and reserved fully enjoying herself at the moment.

This was the first time he has seen her since she left and finally looking at her completely all he could do is smile warmly at the sight of her baby bump. The way she would pat her stomach or the way the older lady would lean forwards and talk to Y/N’s stomach causing him to let out a small childlike giggle. Turning towards San, he saw the look of pure love and adoration said man had for the woman just a couple feet away from him.

In that moment, Mingi knew that no matter what happened between the three currently involved in the recent events he hoped and prayed that San was the one who would get picked in the end.

Turning back around to look at the duo they were currently hiding from, they watched as they finished up their food and got up to head towards the shops. They decided to keep an eye on them in case they walked towards them and then finally eat but as they watched them walk away from the table, Mingi let's out a barely audible gasp causing San to turn towards him.

“ What happened? Did she see you?!?” San asked in a panic, getting ready to book it out of there if they were discovered but all Mingi did was grab San by the neck turning him towards where Y/N was standing.

It took San a couple of seconds to figure out what he was supposed to be looking for before his eyes finally set on her.

There a couple of feet away from Y/N stood Ji Woo. Taking slow almost cautious steps towards Y/N and the older lady with her.

Mingi watched as San’s eyes turned hard and icy, his scary glare set on the girl quickly approaching Y/N. Before San could jump up and run towards the obvious interaction that was about to occur, Mingi quickly wrapped his arms around San and told him to stay in place.

All San could do was watch helplessly as Ji Woo called out Y/N’s name, watching as the smile on her face dropped just like his heart did the minute he saw her happiness slip away like sand between his fingers.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

“ Wow... I honestly never in my life had such amazing glass noodles as this one's.” Y/N said as she patted her stomach letting out huff from how full she is. Mrs. Parks lets out a small laugh then leans down so that she's staring at Y/N’s belly. “ You were quite hungry weren't you little man.” She says and Y/N raises and eyebrow at her question.

“ Little man huh? Youngjo said that it was going to be a girl.” She says as she starts to clean up the mess around them, causing Mrs. Park to quickly jump towards her and clean up instead. “ Your brother is a dummy, take my advice instead okay? Throughout my pregnancy, I knew I was having a boy and I was correct. So take it from me, it's going to be a strong, healthy boy.” Mrs. Park rants on and all Y/N does is smile at her, appreciating all the little tips and advice she has been giving her in her three months living there.

Finishing up, the both start heading towards the shops on the opposite part of the street away from the food stalls. As they walk towards the direction of a clothing store Mrs. Park desperately wanted to visit, the feeling of being watched again causes Y/N’s heart to start thumping in her chest.

Choosing to ignore it, she continues to walk with Mrs. Park before the call of her name brings her to a complete stop. She feels her entire body freeze in disbelief, the person who called her taking that as a sign to continue calling her name.

Slowly turning around, she holds her breath and prays to God that whoever it was that called her isn't who she thinks it is. Her prayers seems to fail, because standing just in front of her is Ji Woo.

“ Y/N... How.. How are you?” Ji woo stutters out and all Y/N does is stare blankly at her, at loss for words. “ You left so suddenly, I didn't get the chance to talk to you.” she mutters out causing Y/N to grip onto her blue dress in order to calm herself.

Mrs. Park seems to sense her distress because she immediately stands in front of Y/N, hiding her from Ji Woo’s view. “ Can we help you, young lady?” She asks as she carefully observes Ji woo, getting ready to stop her if she decides to walk any closer.

“ Oh please call me Ji Woo, I'm Y/N’s best friend.... I came to talk to her.” Ji woo babbles on trying to get as much as she can out there in case she gets dismissed by the older lady.

Mrs. Park immediately tenses up once Ji Woo gives out her name, the name of the person she desperately wanted to curse when Y/N told her the reason she moved into their small homely village.

Clearing her throat, Mrs. Park rolls her shoulders and gives Ji Woo the best fake smile she can pull off. “ Nice to meet you Ji Woo, but me and my friend here have to go so if you'll please excuse us.” Mrs. Park tells her, quickly turning around and taking now Y/N’s trembling hands.

Walking right behind Y/N in case Ji Woo decides to grab her, Mrs. Park start to speed walk towards the direction of her house before Ji Woo’s scratchy and nasally voice stops them in their tracks.

“ Y/N, please... Please don't leave again. I want to apologize for what I did. I want to make it up to you.” she begs, following closely behind the pair. Y/N rapidly shakes her head, and tugs at Mrs. Park wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Ji Woo seems to be growing impatient as the volume of her voice increases the more they walk away from her. “ Y/N CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LOOK AT ME, YOU CAN’T JUST DROP YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP OVER SOMETHING SO DUMB.” she screams out, attracting the attention of people around the area.

“ STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS Y/N! HOW ABOUT YOU FACE ME LIKE A REAL WOMAN HUH? CAN YOU DO THAT FOR A MINUTE! HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO BE A GOOD MOTHER IF YOU CAN’T EVEN FACE ME RIGHT NOW!” Ji Woo yells out causing the duo to stop in their tracks and the chatter around them falls down to just whispering.

Y/N lets out a small sob, the shaking of her hands now having consumed her whole body causing random people around them to whine out in sympathy. She slowly turns around to look at Ji Woo but instead makes eye contact with Mrs. Park. She lets out a small gasp from how mad she looks, the soft look that she would always have in her eyes completely gone instead replaces with the sharp look of anger.

Ji Woo seems to still be yelling out towards them, attracting more attention to them, “ LOOK I’M SORRY I SLEPT WITH HONGJOONG BUT IT MEANT NOTHING TO ME! IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU WEREN’T A GOOD GIRLFRIEND TO HIM.” she continues to scream, and her last statement seems to shake the crowd around them looking at Ji Woo in disbelief and disgust.

Before Y/N can stop her, Mrs Park swiftly turns around and marches straight towards Ji Woo. The look on Mrs. Park's face seems to shut Ji Woo up as she watches her stomp towards her in a menacing way. Nobody seems to stop her as Mrs. Park lifts up her hand and strikes Ji Woo across the face, the loud sound that resonates from the harsh slap causing everybody to let out a gasp. A couple of feet away from the scene stand two guys leaning against the wall watching the turn of events, one of them gaping at the slap in shock and the other one smirking and mentally cheering for the older lady.

“ I've never in my life raised my hand at someone, much less thought about hitting someone... But you.. You deserved this and so much more.” Mrs Park spits out, rubbing her throbbing hand from how much force she used to smack Ji Woo.

Ji Woo carefully lifts her shaking hand towards her already bruising cheek, the bottom lip split and bleeding. She watches as various people crowd around Y/N to comfort her and multiple other people stand behind Mrs. Park to come to her defense.

“ Now you listen to me very closely, I may not know you well but I know just enough to figure out that you're the good for nothing ”best friend” that slept with y/n’s boyfriend. Of course he's as much of a low life as you and even though I don't like the idea of hitting someone I'll gladly do it to him as well.” Mrs Park says as she watches Ji Woo tear up.

“ I expect you to leave this village and never come back. The police in this place may not be that bright, so if it comes down to it I'll personally drag you out of here myself. Do I make myself clear?” she says and the people around her yell out in agreement, the small crowd around Y/N who are currently comforting her nodding their heads along as well.

Knowing that the older lady in front of her won't hesitate to do as she says, Ji Woo gives one final look at Y/N holding eye contact for a couple of seconds before finally turning around and running away towards her car.

Mrs. Park watches her to make sure that she leaves and once she sees Ji Woo’s car speed away from the area she quickly turns around and pulls Y/N into her arms. Thanking the people around her for taking care of the girl she considers family.

Shushing the crying girl in her arms, she covers her with a black floral cardigan and carefully begins to lead her towards her house. The group around her clear a path for them, giving out words of comfort to the pregnant woman, letting her know that if she ever needs help they'll happily help her telling her that she's apart of the village family.

Making it to Mrs. Park's bright yellow house, they both enter the warm and spacious living room. Leading her towards the soft beige L shaped couch, she sits Y/N in the middle of it taking notice of her quiet sniffing.

Carefully peeling the cardigan off of her, she takes Y/N’s face into her hands and wipes away the tears falling from her eyes. “ You're okay now sweety, she's gone now. I won't let her near you again you hear me.” she firmly states causing Y/N to throw herself onto Mrs. Park’s arms, wanting desperately to be held by someone.

“ I don't want to be that sad ever again. I don't want to cry the moment someone mentions what happened... I want to be happy for me and my baby. I want to finally forget everything and live in peace.” Y/N says as she weeps into Mrs. Parks arms, hiding her face in the older woman's shoulder.

“ I won't let you be that sad ever again baby... You'll have a happy life, you'll live in peace. You and your baby and whether you decide to open up your heart again maybe even a boyfriend or husband, you'll be happy I know it. You want to know how I know this? Because I'll make sure of it.” Mrs. Park whispers to the crying girl in her arms, lifting her hands and rubbing her back.

“ I'll take care of you two... You won't ever have to feel alone again sweety. Auntie will take care of you and your baby.” she says as she caresses Y/N’s stomach, the girl in her arms slowly calming down.

They sit there a couple of seconds before Y/N's broken whisper breaks the silence.

“ Thank you... Thank you so much for everything... I love you auntie.”

Mrs. Park feels her eyes water at the nickname, having been the first time that Y/N actually used it. Pulling the pregnant girl closer, she places a tender kiss to her head.

“ I'll take care of both of you... You don't have to worry about a thing... Not a single thing my sweet girl.”

[donnerpartyofone]

I've found myself looking at my relationship with my sister in a new light and wondering how to deal with drawing a line. I get along better with her than anyone I've ever met, but it really struck me how her anxiety reaction really conditioned me in a way that makes me walk on eggshells and focus on accommodating her above all else. I feel bad because I can't blame her for her anxiety but she can get somewhat abusive when she can't communicate what she needs and I don't know how to help her.

that’s really rough, thanks for talking about it. that definitely sounds like a situation you truly can’t do much about, if anything, it’s just a test of your character. i admire your perseverance. this might be way beyond your means, but it seems possible that some kind of joint counseling might be in order, to try to help her develop some better communication skills, and help you figure out how to put your foot down in a healthy productive way. i’m just speculating, though, that sounds really difficult.

i hope you won’t feel offended when i downshift into something much more casual. i’ve been obsessing over it and can’t think of what to do but vent. i’m struggling with this situation where i guess i COULD just say “you know what, i love you, but being friends with you takes away more energy than i get back.” i’m just kind of unwilling to do that, yet, and i don’t have a lot of experience separating from a friend in whom i still have a lot of emotional investment. ordinarily, i cut difficult people out way before they’re close enough to me to cause even slight problems; the only really dramatic rifts i’ve ever co-created were in romantic relationships. i’ll probably delete this in a bit, since it doesn’t really serve anything here, but for now i my erupt.

this dear friend of mine has really serious ADD and a complex of other problems for which she is medicated and sees several different mental health professionals. almost every time we interact, i have to think very deliberately about how she’s not ignoring me or taking me for granted or being argumentative or making laborious requirements of me on purpose, she has legitimate problems focusing and prioritizing, or noticing when she’s being destructive. we BASICALLY get along great; she’s extremely lovey dovey with me to the point of adulation, and we’ve shared a lot of hard times and personal secrets, so i know the relationship itself is real, even during the times when i can’t seem to get her respectful attention. it’s curious because she’s really pretty successful due to her genuine talent and charm, but once in a while she’s so disorganized and demanding that i think HOW COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY GOTTEN TO THIS PLACE IN YOUR LIFE.

here are a couple of good examples of what it can often be like to know her:

- she cuts my hair. i pay full price, as an actual customer, for this service, and it’s invariably complicated and maddening. i don’t want to stop going because she’s the only stylist i’ve ever been satisfied with, and also it would definitely cause emotional problems between us. but, she rearranges her schedule on me constantly, up to the very last minute, to the point that i’m standing around her neighborhood killing time and watching my phone to find out if and when i’m going to actually be seen. most recently, to try to avoid the usual problems, i emailed her more than two weeks in advance of the 26th, by which date i NEED to have my hair cut for a wedding. she told me to text her instead. i repeated the question via text, and she asked me repeatedly if i’m available saturday. i reexplained that, no, that would be a week and a half too early, i need it as near to the 26th as possible. she told me she’ll be out of town around then, but she’ll give me her latest availability. i never heard back. a week later my fiance texted her to ask if she can fit us both in for an appointment close to the 26th. she told us that she’s “waiting on a confirmation” from someone else (even though i had asked her a week prior), and then offered us “wednesday”. he asked if she means the 17th or the 24th. we didn’t hear anything for the rest of the day, even though the 17th was in less than 24 hours. at midnight she finally replied that she meant the 24th–exactly what i asked for in the first place.

- the following event, which could have taken two minutes, took place over about two weeks: she was working on a writing project. i offered to read it and give her some friendly feedback, if she wanted. she passionately insisted that she could NEVER take advantage of my talent for free, that she MUST pay me. i reminded her that i’m not a real editor, and i was just being friendly, but she INSISTED. so i say ok, what would you be willing to pay for this? she said she CAN’T decide what to pay me, I HAVE TO decide what my services are worth. i suggested that we could just trade for haircuts, but that was deemed to be too unprofessional for this imaginary reward she thinks i deserve. inventing a rate was difficult because i don’t deserve a professional rate, and i don’t even know what it would be. so, hypnotically embroiled in this stupid conversation, i did all this research and this fake math, and came back to her with a rate. she dramatically declared that she CANNOT afford it, and is therefore unworthy of my illustrious services. at this point i’m sitting there thinking…how the fuck did i get into this? all i did was offer to read her thing if she wanted a fresh pair of eyes. now i’ve spent two weeks negotiating and doing this pointless research project, just to build myself up to something that i’m not and don’t want to be, only to have her like sort of grovellingly fire herself from the situation because she’s so undeserving or whatever. of course, she wound up trading me haircuts. once the writing finally started, any time i gave her notes, it was a nightmare. if i was critical, she wouldn’t really buy my suggestions. if i was encouraging, she’d borderline call me a liar, as if i were ripping her off, and angrily insist that i be “brutally honest” and “tear her to shreds” etc. at that point, i would re-remind her that i’m not an editor, and it sounds like she knows what she needs–a real editor. eventually she let me off the hook, but almost only because she backburnered the project indefinitely while she works on something else.

this makes it sound like all i have to do is not get involved in anything vaguely professional with her, but it’s more pervasive than this. like, i’ll ask if she wants me to bring anything when i come over, and she’ll ask for a couple of small snacks, but then when i show up with them, she spins out into this thing about how i’m SO WONDERFUL and she feels SO BAD that she MADE ME bring her food, and her solution is to try to force me to keep the food, which was very cheap and which i don’t even want. i’ll have to argue with her about it intermittently for the rest of the night, and there’s nothing i can do to convince her that having this insane fight, about something i volunteered to do, is a much bigger inconvenience than the $3 i just spent on cliff bars for her. i suppose i could simplify all this by saying she’s the kind of person who will ask if you’re mad at her or something, and you say you’re not because you’re not, and then she’ll ask you again and again until you really ARE angry, at which point she thinks she was right all along. my fiance has noted that she doesn’t behave this extremely with him, and we often suspect that she’s instinctively recreating dramas that took place between her and her mother, or her and her ex-girlfriends or something, and i just happen to be a really good proxy for whatever the story was there. being tolerant of her makes her suspicious of me, but if i get aggravated, then i’m being untrue to myself, and getting wrapped up in some sort of mythology that isn’t actually about me.

she is fundamentally an exciting and affectionate person; she has tons of admiring friends, and interesting people always want to support her projects, for good reason. i value her friendship, and i don’t THINK i really want to part ways with her. however, i also don’t think she has the emotional stability to have a constructive conversation about her behavior (especially when she really craves for me to hate on her or something), and i haven’t seen her demonstrate an ability to change and control her behavior anyway. being the kind of person i am, i constantly fantasize about tying her to a chair and describing all the stuff that she does, how it doesn’t help her, and how it negatively impacts our relationship (and i’m sure many of her other relationships), and just totally deprogramming her with my brilliant logic–but of course that’s all complete nonsense. since i’m the one with control, i think i just have to train myself to stop getting so wound up and trying to envision how to “fix” her. i don’t even have to see her more than once a month, sometimes not even that often. i gotta get a grip.