#I SWEAR I'LL GET BACK TO HOMESTUCK SHIT EVENTUALLY SORRY FOLLOWERS

[applestorms]

adding to this with some additional thoughts (after watching the first remake movie & just reflecting more in general):

initially i found it a bit strange that rei associates shinji with gendo so heavily, thus putting him into the symbolic role of Father (while she herself is also forced into the symbolic role of Mother on the flipside by shinji himself), but i think i kinda figured it out now: BASICALLY, i think you can you can synthesize shinji's "save the world" role with all of the weird sex stuff in the show by taking a look at what the expectation is for his role in all of this- shinji is expected to help with the continuance of the human race, which means saving it by getting in the fucking robot & fighting and. having sex with a bunch of women for the sake of "re-population!" this gives more context to the mother shit at least, so it's not just that shinji has weird mommy issues but also that a part of the expectations being forced upon him is heterosexual reproduction.

this is maybe a part of the generational trauma idea too, at least thematically- a natural conclusion that i think a lot of people come to when faced with the fact that their parents are totally fucked is that they themselves can never have children. due to the apocalyptic setting of evangelion, however, the normal hetero gender roles & expectation of MARRY BE MAINSTREAM HAVE A KID AND BE ACCEPTED is amplified even more, & paired in particular w/ shinji's learned helplessness... i mean i already explained that "consent" is kind of meaningless in this scenario for shinji, it's not too surprising that relates back to consent in a sexual context too.

this also also contextualizes a lot of the shit related to babies- i mentioned that there is an emphasis on human biological development both within the uterus and in puberty and this explains the connection. there's a lot you could probably expand on here w/ regards to the "trauma of being born," itself, not to mention the implied SA side of things. (won't go into detail there, but- yeah. this is also another potential route for connections to utena if you wanna go more overtly into the topic of toxic relationships of all flavors & types.)

also, expanding on the queer shit section by relating this back to my usual topic of meta analysis- evangelion and homestuck actually do have a lot of parallels in how gay relationships are utilized within the context of an "end of the world" setting & thematic existential questions to show the deeper meaning of human connection past basic evolutionary biology and/or psychology. neat!

i really do wanna talk more about the beauvoir thing. i mentioned this in an old response i had to another meta post, but a lot of what this comes down to can be summarized in one quote from the ethics of ambiguity: “If I cry over him, he is no longer a stranger to me. It’s my tears that decide." the major counterpoint that beauvoir had to sartre & his idea of the hellishness that comes from the inability to control (or even really understand) how others see you, as well as to the individualism of previous existentialist philosophers like nietzsche & kierkegaard, was to point out the meaning that we can create by choosing to continue to maintain relationships even in the face of absurdity. again, see the previous point w/ the whole topic of realistic characters trapped in this extreme, absurd world tackling existential questions.

fuck edit to add this part too: additionally on the topic of generational trauma, i think it's notable that supposedly every single kid in shinji's class was picked out because (iirc) they were potential pilots for the evas, meaning that all of them likely have some kind of parental trauma relating to the loss of a mother if the mothers-as-evas idea is really a thing. yeah

also, w/ generation trauma: this is still a rough idea, but both shinji & gendo seem to have a kind of twin oedipus complex- this is why shinji so heavily associates all the women around him w/ mothers and simultaneously has weird sex stuff associated w/ them (explains the scene of misato/asuka/rei all rising up half naked near the end and talking to him gently) while also fearing his father. notably though gendo seems to have some of the same issues in how he associates rei w/ yui (or even just his access to yui- note though the shoving his hand into her boob thing) and similarly fears shinji in return (again shinji being associated w/ gendo and thus the role of the father through rei's eyes).

also, dunno if i ever clarified this but even if so to state it more clearly: w/ the agency thing, a key factor is that every time shinji tries to leave, the harder he pushes to get out, the more extreme the circumstances that drag him back are. so it starts that he just walks away and then easily comes back once he's done (i think the first remake movie actually portrays this even more clearly than the original series since he literally just turns around like "alright i'm done," and gets taken back), but then later when he actively pushes back it basically takes gendo himself (and kaji as another father figure, iirc) and everyone failing horrifically for him to figure out some bullshit to justify on his own terms coming back ("i'm the pilot.").

i would also add that while this ramp up in the tension may to some degree be just a natural part of the series' progression (yeah shit is going to get more dire as things go on), it's notable that this progression is specifically tied to shinji's agency. so not only does he get pulled back more harshly the more he pushes back, he kind of gains more control over the situation in general, deciding when he leaves and, to some degree, gaining more control over when he can come back with a higher standard of what is necessary to convince him.

edit (much later): on the topic of generational trauma, i think it's also significant that this trauma is in direct conflict with the worldview of seele, in a way acting as fucked up proof of the connections humans ARE able to form (contrasting all the sartrean shit about people not being able to make true connections).

EVANGELION.

context: i just (as in, within an hour of beginning this post) finished watching evangelion, including both the tv series & the end of evangelion the movie. i have not read the manga, or watched any of the remake (?) movies yet (though i plan to shortly). my brain is thus running at like mach 10 rn trying to keep all of these thoughts in order, so to preserve these initial reflections while they're still fresh, here is the evangelion post. no worries if you're following me for other stuff, we'll be back to regular programming soon enough, but i can't let this shit stew on my own for much longer.

SUMMARY: 7 sections, on agency, sartre, shounen expectations, freud & generational trauma, queer shit, hope, & anime budgets. obvious spoiler warning.

1. agency (does shinji actually have any choices?)

this idea is one of the first to stand out to me while watching, and was also the most personally satisfying to watch develop since it only gained relevancy throughout the series + held major significance in EoE.

essentially: every single time that shinji has a "darkest hour" moment throughout the series, typically revolving around him not wanting to fight/kill/destroy/etc. while piloting the eva, someone around him will tell him that it is his decision whether or not he wants to continue fighting. most often this person is misato, though there is also an instance of kaji doing it in the later part of the show. significantly, while this "choice" is always framed as a decision that shinji himself is allowed to make, to join their forces and fight or not, it is very clearly not actually a decision at all- even ignoring the obvious...emotional stress of telling a 14 year old that he can either get back in the goddamn robot no matter how traumatizing it is to him and fight or single-handedly cause the extinction of humanity, shinji can never truly leave nerv and this only becomes more apparent the more time that passes.

that's all quite obvious in my mind, but what's notable here is the progression, both in terms of how the decision itself is presented to him, and how the continual fake-out of giving shinji any actual agency carves at his psyche.

in terms of the first, it is very clear, above all else, that shinji absolutely does not want to fight in the fuckign robot, which is demonstrated through the fact that every single time he is given the "choice" to leave, he takes it and runs away, no matter how dire the situation is. shinji does not want to be a shounen protagonist, dammit, but time and time again he is dragged back into the same position and, most importantly, taught that his choices mean nothing. from the first few episodes where he runs away from home, to EoE where misato drags him through a parking lot and throws him into an elevator while telling him to fight, time and time again shinji's agency is violently taken away from him in the name of the continuation? transformation? of humanity, and i think that from his complete lack of desire to do literally anything in EoE we can tell he is aware of this.

what's really significant about all of this, then, is the way that this message influences the few instances where shinji actually does have some semblance of agency. in particular, i'm thinking about the gay angel (THE GAY ANGEL) and the ending of EoE.

so, first: the gay angel. kaworu. i say "semblance of agency," since shinji is kind of just given the same decision here as everywhere else, but this one is presented pretty & executed (ouch) pretty differently so i wanna talk about it.

kaworu is a very different character from everyone else in the cast for the primary reason that he is not particularly caught up in his own bullshit. he shows up at a time when shinji basically has no one (the trust "darkest hour" of the whole series, really) and is notable in that he openly and easily gives him love and time when no one else is really able to. this could in part be attributed to his status as an angel, but i think it goes further too- more on this in the section about generational trauma.

anyways, the decision to kill kaworu is phrased very differently from the previous "choices" offered to shinji by misato. rather than telling shinji that he has a choice in the same vague terms as before, to fight or not fight, kaworu kinda just tells him straight up- either he can kill kaworu, the one person who mutually loves and cared for him at a time when literally no one else was able to and thereby give humanity a chance at continuation, or he can hold off and let kaworu live but cause the destruction he has been pulled into staving off for the entire series. loneliness or annihilation- those are shinji's two choices here, and kaworu is very open about which one he prefers, citing the good that humanity has brought forward. i actually think that misato is wrong in her interpretation of this scene (lots of misato slander here whoops, i swear i love her)- kaworu isn't offering up his life here out of a lack of care for himself, but rather an overwhelming care for shinji as an individual and humanity as a collective.

from shinji's perspective though, this is basically the same agonizing moral dilemma he has been forced to "decide" for the last 16 angels, and he knows by this point what the answer is supposed to be. it's what's so truly tragic about this moment to me- even if kaworu meant this to be a genuine decision for shinji to make, accepting the consequences of his choice fully either way, shinji was never going to be able to see it that way after having the "correct" answer forced upon him again and again. he might be able to scramble for a justification in the aftermath, rationalizing it as his own (supposedly) disgusting need for validation, but he was never actually allowed to decide any other way and he knows it. even if shinji would ultimately choose in favor of the continuation of humanity & continue fighting, the decision itself is so tainted* by this point that it doesn't really matter, since no one could ever really know the truth.

*(this lack of a decision could also be attributed to an inability for anyone to truly trust shinji- see section 2 on sartre for more on this dissonance.)

there is, however, one instance where shinji truly is given an actual choice, which coincidentally also includes kaworu but also rei at the end of EoE. here the choice is a bit different though, instead being between the continuation of humanity in its collective, gelatinous blob state or broken back up into separate entities.

since humanity has already been eradicated (hey callback to kaworu's presence marking the ultimate end of humanity, he came back for more than just to comfort shinji & be a thematic parallel to denote his "true" choices), i think shinji is able to view this decision much more clearly and thus seems a lot more satisfied with his ultimate choice. there's a lot of nuances to this of course, as evidenced by the ending with asuka, but past that i think the fact that both the tv series & EoE end with shinji coming to some sort of satisfied (if mostly theoretical) conclusion that seems to leave him with a marginally happier emotional state is pretty meaningful, especially considering just how little emotional development these characters go through in general (see sections 3 & 4).

what's particularly satisfying about all this though is the fact that shinji seems to actually engage with this idea himself in one of previously mentioned conclusions. the ending of the tv show is essentially just shinji realizing that he does in fact have agency and has had it all along, even if not in the biggest/most overwhelming situations he was forced into. personally, i read this as shinji not only becoming consciously aware of his own learned helplessness, but also the fact that he has actually been making decisions for himself all along and is able to continue doing so, that he can take back his agency for himself through the conscious decision to keep making meaningful connections with others- a very beauvoirean conclusion, which is gonna become real significant real fast as we get into this next section. up next: sartre.

2. sartre (shinji/asuka/rei as no exit, ft. good place parallels)

no exit is a 1944 existentialist play written by the french philosopher jean-paul sartre. in it, three people (two women, & one man, by the names of estelle, inez, and garcin) are sent to hell and locked in a room together, destined to torture one another for the rest of eternity. the most well known line from it is likely "Hell is other people," a conclusion the character garcin comes to near the end of the play as the group realizes the truth of their circumstances.

there are some obvious connections here- the three main characters from no exit pretty easily map onto the three main pilots (estelle -> asuka, garcin -> shinji, and more lightly inez -> rei). the cycle of torture even follows as well, with a possible interpretation of the pilots' dynamic being that asuka tortures shinji (see section 5; tldr it's all the degradation), rei tortures asuka (her silence heightening asuka's insecurities), and shinji tortures rei (less obvious, but hinted at through things like rei's emotional attachment to shinji which seems to at least scare her for how strange it is).

past that though, the sartrean elements of this story become super fucking clear in the last few episodes, coming down to two big ideas that shinji frets over: freedom as a curse, and hell as other people.

the "condemnation of freedom," idea is kind of tied up with the whole shinji agency thing discussed in section 1, and since i don't think i can elaborate on it much more here without doing a whole deep dive on the philosophy, i'll just focus on the second idea, especially since it's one of the emotional cores that the story revolves around.

the idea that "hell is other people," as stated by garcin in the original play really comes down to one main factor and that is the dissonance between how we view ourselves & how other people view us. in the show, this is presented through the hedgehog allegory (also related to western philosophy but i know sartre better so i'm gonna keep talking about him here) and the idea that in the process of getting closer to one another we also hurt each other more, but i think the sartrean idea lends a bit more light onto the whole conflict of perspectives thing that the hedgehog idea along misses out on.

it's pretty clear imo that shinji has some kind of social anxiety, or at the very least is dealing with a lot of the normal anxiety that comes with growing up and beginning to desire validation (from your peers, from your guardians, etc.). the entire point of EoE as a film and seemingly the very basis for the concept of AT fields is the idea that humanity is separate, with individual humans never being able to truly connect with one another. ignoring the more esoteric & absurd ways this is portrayed in-movie, this idea is pretty easy to get on board with- relationships change over time, people fight and become close and fall apart, and that is largely just a natural fact of life. again, the inability to accept this fact is going to be examined more in section 4, but i think shinji is key in connecting the hedgehog thing to sartre.

near the end of EoE, when everyone is getting exploded into orange goop and melted into the human soup, it is notable that the way everyone gets incorporated is by a rei transforming into the person that they seem to have wanted to connect with the most (shinji's dad with his mom, but also maya w/ akagi and hyuga w/ misato), again tying back to that theme of desiring a more "true"/deeper connection between people. at the end of the tv series, however, this is slightly different due to the look we get into shinji's mind. specifically, shinji doesn't just desire a relationship (platonic, romantic, and/or sexual) or validation from other people, but is caught up in the way that he is perceived by others. the separation between people is thus torturous to him not in how it means he can't truly connect with other people, but in how he can't control the ways that other people view or understand or react to him.

i think this is a part of why shinji seems to have a much easier time with his end decision in EoE- despite all the underlying freudian psychosexual development shit that permeates through some of the weirder parts of NGE, shinji seems to me to care a lot more about how other people view him than the specific types of connections he is able to make, e.g. he still considers his relationship with asuka to be a key point of meaning in his life, despite how turbulent/messy it is. for a kid who struggled with social interactions a lot growing up, any deeper connection is pretty meaningful to him by this point, and it shows. this also could be attributed to being a part of the greater influence of kaworu, as the fact that he cared so deeply and so meaningfully about shinji (and the opposite as well) may have been proof to him that any "deeper" connections aren't really necessary or worthwhile, even before he got mixed up into the people soup.*

*ALSO: didn't think about this until later, but there's also the whole process of connecting with the evas that the pilots have to go through to think about here.

**ALSO 2: if you didn't already know, the good place is also very overtly based on no exit. this means there's actually a kinda random parallel between tgp & evangelion in that they both happen to add a fourth individual through the introduction of a fourth dude (jason & kaworu respectively) that mixes shit up even more. neat.

so, speaking of the various endings:

3. the ending does make some sense, actually (dropping shounen expectations)

one of the things that i was most impressed by while watching evangelion, especially around the mid-point of the tv series around the time that asuka is introduced, is the fact that they were able to make what would otherwise be pretty standard anime fan service a genuinely meaningful part of the story's underlying themes, in particular those related to the freud shit (getting there soon, i promise) but also just the general connections to biology and humanity and development.

i don't think evangelion should be watched or understood like a traditional shounen show, and in fact it kind of goes against the underlying emotional core of story to try and force that kind of reading onto it. like, okay, take shinji for example- like i said a couple sections back, one of shinji's key character traits is the fact that he doesn't want to be a fucking shounen protagonist and hates being forced into that position, but keeps getting dragged back to nerv and EVA 01 anyway.

i think it's notable that the few moments where shinji has what might be considered a "traditional" epic shounen hero moment could very easily be read as not even being shinji's own actions in the first place, but the eva itself due to them 1. not showing shinji's face during the moment, just his fear before and trauma after, and 2. being motivated by shinji's extreme fear, giving more of the vibe of a mother protecting her child than shinji making progress on his own.

none of the main cast really seem to go through any super significant character development throughout the entirety of both the show and movie, actually- the closest we get is whatever the hell rei was doing and the breakthroughs in thought that shinji has at the very very end of either production, but that's about it.

what i think makes this important is the fact that it points towards what the actual emotional core that the show centers around. what sets evangelion apart from other shounen shows, imo, is the fact that it takes a hard look at the apocalyptic world that it created and really takes the time to reflect on how that kind of trauma would actually influence its characters. i haven't seen a ton of in-depth negative reviews of the ending of NGE, but i'm guessing that a major factor in the potential frustration with the ending is the fact that it drops a lot of the overt plot elements in favor of more a more abstract look into shinji's mind. but i think that look is entirely the point of the ending- it was never really about the robots, or at least not by the end of the series, so the ending focuses on the emotional payoff of at least one character instead to find the barest glimmer of hope leftover.

this is part of why i find kaworu to be such a significant character- one of the key conclusions that shinji seems to come to at the end of the tv series is the idea that "you have to love yourself in order to love other people," but i actually don't know if that's entirely true or even demonstrated in the series. kaworu is the first person to really demonstrate to shinji that he is capable of loving and being loved, and despite the tragedy of that relationship, i think it was a core part of shinji's eventual first step towards self-acceptance.

4. freud & generational trauma (everyone is ultimately just an abused child)

ok fuck it, i've been talking about this for ages, let's just fucking get to it already.

i'm nowhere near an expert on freud, really i only have a pretty baseline understanding (thanks to a high school ap psych class) of the psychosexual stages of development thing that the show references a lot in the later parts (the oral fixation thing w/ misato, etc.), so rather than looking into the details of that, i think the big thing here for me is how the use of freud influences the ideas that the show focuses on. namely, as we see through the last few episodes of the tv series: everyone is just a sad, traumatized, abused kid.

i also think that what the inclusion of all the freud shit ultimately does for this series is give it a big emphasis on biological human development and family relations, which feels especially significant in how it can tie into a more subtle, but imo still very important idea: generational trauma, told through the story of the end of the world.

what i like about this idea is that it's really where the story begins, chronologically in the timeline and in episode 1 with shinji & gendo. the idea then evolves and expands the more parent/child relationships we learn about, from misato and her father to asuka, akagi, and, at least in part, rei.

similar to how the series utilizes its religious themes & imagery to get back to the origins/sources of humanity (namely adam & lilith), i like to think of the second impact as the source of this initial trauma. because of the second impact, we are basically guaranteed that every single adult present in the series has dealt with some degree of trauma, though in many cases this expands to other things as well (e.g. gendo struggling with social connections & misato's tricky relationship with her father, both of which are established pre-impact).

what's really big though is how this initial trauma influences the next generation of kids, especially the main trio of eva pilots (& their respective mother-related machinery) but really all of their classmates as well. toji, to some degree kensuke, really every kid born after or around the time of the second impact seems to similarly deal with the echoes of this initial trauma. if you want to, you could maybe even relate back to the very first impact of the lilith egg as a source as well, each new impact being an echo of the previous through the continuation of generational traumas.

TLDR: the freud shit doesn't have to just be freud shit, the fucked up family relations can be read through the lens of generational trauma as well.

5. queer shit (THE GAY ANGEL)

when i say queer shit here i'm really talking about gender roles, which is ESPECIALLY important when talking about shinji's two main crushes: kaworu and asuka (sticking with those two for now since they're the most overt, but they're not necessarily the only ones you can read into btw).

the big thing here is that imo the main factor that makes shinji's relationship with asuka (in particular, but really all of the women in the show) so difficult is the weight that heterosexual relationships have. again, much of evangelion's imagery is heavily focused on biology, specifically in terms of development both as a baby is developed & in puberty, and i think that weight is felt in the awkward relationships shinji has with all the girls he's suddenly been surrounded by.

this is in part why i think it was so much easier for shinji to get on board with kaworu, and why the relationship itself was so meaningful to him- because there's no threat of MARRY A WOMAN BONE HAVE A CHILD REPRODUCE CONTINUE THE HUMAN RACE (the last one in particular being especially relevant in the post-apocalyptic hellscape they're all trapped in), shinji is able to focus entirely on the personal emotional aspects of the relationship and the ability to find meaning through human connection, which again is a very beauvoirean idea.*

*i think i kinda skipped over this in the sartre section but beauvoir was a contemporary of sartre that influenced a lot of his philosophy especially later on so the fact that shinji's end conclusion seems so reminiscent of beauvoir is very satisfying.

this is not to say that shinji's relationship with asuka or any of the women around him wasn't meaningful or revolving around genuine feelings on his part, just that the weight of social expectations particularly in the context of male/female gender roles is a constant factor at the back of his mind when trying to navigate all these new social situations.

this is also not just an issue that shinji deals with- asuka herself is constantly the one to call shinji out for not being enough of a real man, which shinji actually rarely mentions all that directly, only caring when asuka herself mentions it, and i personally read her struggles with sexuality and desire to be seen as an adult as a part of her deeper issues with the woman gender role. misato kind of deals with the same thing actually, and even akagi in how they all have such tricky relationships with their own sexuality and the men around them. again, i think the whole dissonance between differing perceptions idea is relevant here, especially when considering the ways that women deal with objectification, both in terms of how others view them and how they're taught to present themselves.

6. no development but lasting hope? (making sense of EoE)

i kind of already talked about this, but expanding on the idea that everyone is ultimately still just an abused kid looking for solutions to the problems they were raised to have, i think it's significant within the imagery of the show that the world post-second impact is eternally spring/summer, meaning that even the environment the characters are trapped in itself is unable to develop or grow, stuck in the same cycle of infancy & puberty with no real adulthood. the constant threat of the angels and/or third impact also adds to this, with characters rushing to get married and form relationships (as misato & akagi talk about in one episode) but never getting the chance to properly grow old before they die.

this implies however that the existence of an autumn/winter is potentially in the future, that growth can come eventually and hope is still present. i'm not entirely sure yet what to make of the ending of EoE- i actually really like how the tone shifts so drastically immediately following such an emotionally heavy, complicated sequence, but i also don't think it's entirely without hope. it's the same old as before, maybe a relapse, maybe a reaction the traumas that initially happened, but. i mean she doesn't actually die??? my big conclusion is still a work in progress i suppose.

7. bonus: this isn't low budget it's goddamn beautiful, watch utena

i've been writing this "short reflection" for like two days straight already, this section is basically just the title. watch utena for more fucked up shit with an actually low budget. frankly this video explains the low budget thing better and has a better justification so i'll just direct you there. (yes this connection is about the therapy elevators.)