#I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!! I AM EXPRESSING MY CONCERNS ABOUT A COLLEAGUE WHO IS OUT OF COMPLIANCE

[banannabethchase]

Okay so here's the problem.

When you have pretty severe OCD mixed with autism and PTSD and anxiety, you can misinterpret instinct and gut feeling for anxiety and vice versa.

And another problem is that, due to that unfortunate cocktail, it is very easy to gaslight that person and tell them something happened if someone says it in a mean enough, authoritative enough, and urgent enough way.

Anyway, fuck men who take advantage of people.

[maibi]

Consideration

Gojo Satoru x reader

Summary: A joke you played on Gojo kinda backfired. But was it really backfire or something you didn’t mind happening.. ;)

A/N: this turned out longer than I had expected. ANYWAYS I enjoyed writing this one ngl:)

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Gojo was by far one of the most annoying people you have met, but sadly at the same time he is one of your closest friends. He’d always joke around and never really took anything serious. You would be training the 2nd years on the field and he would just be playing around with his first year students. You didn’t mind that he went easy on the first years, but he just left all the extra hard work over to you once they were in their second year. Which naturally made him more annoying to you. For a 28 year old he sure doesn't act his age. 

“What if you just went on a date with me?”, Gojo said as you were walking to your room, the one you stayed in at school. It was a much cheaper solution, so you didn’t mind it much. Plus you got to spend more time with your students and... other colleagues.

“What about no?”, you said as you stopped in front of your door. 

“AAAAH SENSEI THAT HURTS”, Gojo said as he clutched his heart over dramatically. 

“I’m not your sensei”, you answered back at him.

“I mean you could be”, he answered with a wink.

“How about no”, you said as you opened your door. “I am just your colleague.”

“Did I really just get colleague-zoned?”, he said as he wiped away a fake tear making you roll your eyes.

He was always like this. He’d joke around about liking you and didn't’ even conceal the fact about wanting to be in a relationship. But it had been like this since forever and you were so adapted to all the rejecting you did, that it always happened naturally now. He’d go “I like you a lot so let’s go on a date” and you would just shut him down in various ways. 

Of course there were times he’d make you blush or make your heart beat a little faster than normally, but you never really took his words into consideration. For example a certain situation that made your heart beat faster:

“Not gonna lie, You look really stunning this evening”, he said as he accompanied you on an evening party between all the teachers from Tokyo and Kyoto Jujustu High. 

He had reached out his hand for you to take because that was the kind of guy he was. He didn’t care about how he presented himself in public, so looking like his partner or not was not one of his concerns. So you just didn’t see a problem with it and took his hand as he locked both of your arms.

“Why thank you sir Satoru”, you said as you played along with him. “Though I have to say it feels a little too tight.”

“I think it accentuates your body perfectly”, he said with a wink. “Shall we go inside?”, he said back as your face was probably flushed red. With a nod the both of you went inside the building. 

It had been a peaceful night until a man wouldn’t stop bothering you. He was probably a teacher from Kyoto High so you didn’t want to sound rude, but you really did not enjoy the way he was bothering you. 

To your luck, Gojo had been watching the whole scene and couldn’t hold his chill. He walked up to you and linked your arms again. “I will be walking this person outside, if you have no business left with them you can gladly leave”, he said with a serious expression, boring a whole in the man’s face with his look. 

He pulled you with him to the exit and you just went along. “Maybe we should tell the rest that we’re leaving”, you hesitantly said. 

“It’s alright I'll let someone know we left”, he said.

“Not to be rude, but if we leave so abruptly together they might think wrongly...” You didn’t want to finish that sentence because he’d either act hurt and make jokes out of it or he’d be actually hurt and try not to show it.

You heard him sigh. “I’ll tell them you felt sick and that I sent you with a taxi. Don’t worry about it”, he said in a low voice. 

You weren’t gonna lie that that moment had made your heart beat faster, but you couldn’t tell him that. It felt weird to admit that to a person you have been rejecting for over years now. It’s not like you would feel like this constantly, so you didn’t mind it much. But little did you know... It wasn’t just a temporary feeling.

“You should check on your students, they’re still outside in the rain because of your punishment”, you said snapping back to reality. 

“Ah that’s alright, I gave Megumi the lead. He made sure all three of em went inside before it started raining. All so that I could have some alone time with you", he winked again.

“Then why are only Nobara and Yuuji outside?”, you asked as you pointed at your window. They weren’t, but you just wanted him to shut up and leave, so that was your solution. 

His eyes widened and he just sprinted in the directions of the stairs. He took it very serious when his students got sick, because he needed all of the time he got to teach his students. You always made fun of his way of teaching, but in the end the students always turned out to be strong. You didn’t ever really admit is, but he was a good teacher and in some way you looked up to him. Though that piece of information was not for him to know. He had a dream, and his students were helping him achieve it.

“Ooooh y/n sensei, you didn’t sleep yet?” It was Itadori who came walking in your direction. “I was looking for Gojo sensei, but I can’t find him anywhere.”

“Oh I sent him outside to look for you guys, because I told him Megumi left you and Nobara outside in the rain”, you said.

He looked visibly confused and looked his own body up and down. “But I'm right here?”

“Exactly”, you said as you winked and pointed a finger gun at him. 

His eyes widened and he started laughing. “Sensei that’s so cruel!”

“I have to do what I have to do in order for him to leave me alone sometimes”, you said with a sigh.

“Is Gojo sensei that bad towards you then?”, Yuuji asked.

“Ah Yuuji you’re making me seem like the bad guy here. But no, he actually isn’t all that bad. But he just doesn’t know about the word private space sometimes”, you said reassuring the teenager. 

“oh no I didn’t want to make you feel bad about your words”, he worriedly said as he shook his head. “I just know how Fushiguro gets annoyed easily, so I thought it might have been the same for you. Oh Gojo sensei!”

You turned your head to the side and saw Gojo walking in your direction as Itadori waved frantically, but it faded more and more as Gojo walked closer. He was completely drenched and he held his eye mask in his hands. He looked pissed, or more annoyed. 

“Yuuji could you leave me alone with y/n sensei”, he said not looking up.

“y/n sensei is this alright”, Yuuji whispered.

“It’s alright Yuuji, don’t worry about it. Just make sure you don’t stay around here, okey?”, you said with a smile and a nod to reassure him.

“Okey”, he said with a worried expression as he left anyways. 

You waited till You didn’t see Itadori anymore. You walked inside your room and Gojo just walked right in after you. You didn’t have the time to close the door as he just pinned you against it, making the push close the door. You were taken aback and Gojo just stared at you. You couldn’t read his expression at all. 

“Listen, I play and joke around a lot I know. But making me worry about my students’ health isn’t one of the things I can joke around with”, he said.

“What is it Gojo, did I push the wrong button?”, you said back, not giving a sign of being intimidated by him. 

“Don’t go playing all big and mighty now”, he said in an almost whisper, inching closer to your face.

Your heart was beating in your chest, but you didn’t give in. “What are you gonna do about it?”, you said also inching closer, leaving almost no space between your faces.

That was his sign. That was all he needed as confirmation so he just held you neck and pulled you in, closing the space that was left between the two of you. you synced with his movements and he barely gave you a moment to breath.

He pulled back and looked you straight in the eyes. “I’m not joking around with you, I'm serious. I am ready to give you my all, I hope you realized that by now. I know you feel the same way and I'll give you as much time as you need. But don’t make me waste my time. So if you want me just tell me and I'll give you all the space you need after that”, he said with no hint of sarcasm. 

“Who said I wanted space?”, you said with a smug smile. “Why would i want space when I can take you right now Gojo Satoru”, you said in a whisper with a smug smile. 

He liked that side of you. That playful side of you that appears once in a while. It turned him on, it made him imagine things he shouldn’t and you knew you had that impact on him. Because in the end he never showed any effort in concealing his true feelings so figuring him out wasn’t as hard as you sometimes thought it would. 

He smiled back at you and raised his eyebrows. “Guess chasing after you was really worth it huh?”

You pulled him back in for a kiss and this one was more passionate than the other. You pulled him closer, you deepened the kiss and he did everything in his power to not squish you against the door. Your hand moved to his damp hair and you tugged at it lightly. He moved his head to your ear and trailed down kisses to your shoulder. 

His hand moved to the lock of the door and you heard it click. You turned your head slightly that you had a good view on his face. He was smirking and you rolled your eyes at him in a playful way.

“Let’s see how good you keep your word when saying you can take me right now”, he said.

“I can’t back down now, can I”, you smugly answered.

With a breathy laugh he brought his face back to yours. “where were we”, he said in a whisper.

“Here”, you said and you pulled him back in for a kiss. 

It was quite obvious from the start that you and Gojo would end up like this. You couldn’t deny your feelings forever and Gojo was one hell of a pain in the ass to keep on reminding you that you had no escape from him. Not that you wanted that. But like said before, he didn’t need to know that piece of information. Some things were better left off not said, because in the end Gojo Satoru is one hell of a cocky person, but that was one thing you adored so much about him. And let’s not forget, you were in love with him and there was no denying that either. 

[nightswithkookmin]

GOING ON A HIATUS

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time out to read my posts and has enjoyed it so far. It's really been fun and entertaining exchanging thoughts and having these much deeper ship discussions.

I thought this issue was gonna go away but I woke up this morning to more people messaging me about finding my last video analysis on several other platforms without appropriate credit.

But that's not disturbing. The disturbing part is the people sliding into people's DM'S on other platforms to get them to take down my video because they don't want people sharing my content on other platforms as they believe it would only make my blog popular.

For those worried about this whole credit business, thanks for showing this much concern for me? I really appreciate the love and concern if it's from a genuine place of concern. Thank you...

I think some of you already know this by now or might have figured it out, I am a law student, I am very much well aware what is and what isn't within my rights? Lol

I honestly didn't see this whole credit thingy as a big deal. It's not. Not to me. Lol. I repost people's photos without credit too all the time. Often, it's because I don't know who to credit and most time my lazy ass just forgets to. Lol. I think it's normal? It's inconsequential I mean.

The videos I use are usually often water marked by the appropriate owners so I don't go through the hustle of figuring this whole credit business out. If I should decide to come back here again I will check that habit of mine?

While this whole credit business is not a big deal to me, malicious slander and defamation to my character is and I don't take it lightly.

It has been brought to my attention that some Jikookers from Tumblr have since been sliding into people's DM's on other platforms asking them to take down my video and or remove the credit they give to my post.

They are telling people I am problematic, calling me the Taekook Lives of the Jikook community. That I have been spreading lies about Jikook, that the Jikook Tumblr community hates me or something like that and to further caricaturize me and make me appear more evil in order to get people to turn on me and hate me, they make up the most ridiculous lies about me claiming that I believe a notorious serial killer is innocent.

Now I have since deleted my YT account because I don't want my colleagues to find out I am into shipping too lol- shipping is a guilty pleasure of mine and I know how this fandom works unfortunately. I've been a silent part of it since 2014. I mean it's started already. The Doxing and shit.

The original post under which these replies are from couldn't save sadly as my account has been deleted but you can see from my notifications the general feel of what my interests outside shipping looks like.

I am interested in a myriad of topics, from literature, Aliens, writing, Harry Potter, history, activism, advocacy, philosophy, law, politics, NASA, and mystery and murder among other things.

My quora is mostly filled with notifications from my Book community and True crime community and often I do share my thoughts and answer questions with regards to the psychology of murderers, legal evidence, notorious villains in literature- well I guess now you know the kind of lawyer I want to be if and when I'm able to complete law school.

But what has my interest in these topics got to do with Jikook and shipping please?? How does this prove I hate Jikook and spread lies about them?

This Kookie Min Monsta person slipped into someone's DMS and asked the person who had put up my video analysis to take it down or discredit me because to her I am problematic. She is not the only one.

You want so bad to paint me black- no pun intended just to win an argument? You claim I am the evil malicious person here but I am not the one sliding into people's dms trying to take credit away from people for their hardwork, spreading hate and negative energy, making things up to manipulate people's perception of others and get them to hate and turn on them- and all because of A SHIP? Damn. This is pathetic.

Who died and made you the gatekeeper of the jikook shipping community? Honestly antics like these don't work on me try again.

I made a video commentary on my Booktube YT account- yes I am part of the book YouTube community as well sue me or better still slip into their inboxes and tell them I voted for Trump therefore I hate chipmunks.

The commentary I made on YT months ago was when I was in the highs of finding a new passion and it was on Ann Rule's book, The Stranger Besides Me- a true crime novel on Ted Bundy which I found so poorly written that at the end of the book it left with me wondering whether or not Ted Bundy was guilty at all!

The Author's writing style which deviates from most writing styles of True Crime novels I have read gave me trust issues as I stated in the video. It felt more as if she was writing a made up fictional novel than an actual True Crime novel but because she knew Ted Bundy in person she made it seem as if we just had to believe her account.

Then there was this whole thing about the police not being able to match the DNA samples taken from his rape victims, to his own Semen because his Semen was DNAless- in lay man's terms. I'll spare you the technicalities involved.

As I stated in that video, I do believe Ted Bundy was guilty but I do not have much faith in the Judicial system, or criminal procedures or even the Author of that book- a sentiment most people within the true crime community share as well. We just had differing views on whether the writer's style took away from the narrative and waters down on the extent of Bundy's guilt.

We had a Similar conversation about Chris Watt. If the community I was engaging in didn't have a problem with my commentary why do you? Please don't meddle in things you know nothing about. It's embarrassing.

The conversation about whether or not Ted Bundy is innocent is moot but a philosophical one. It has nothing to do with Ted Bundy's guilt but more so the criminal procedures involved in his case and the different accounts that exists surrounding his case.

He was electrocuted, he confessed to his crimes no damn person with brains would think or assume he is innocent and I never said anything of that nature drew any conclusions to that effect.

Besides, I moved on from Ted Bundy a long time ago. Now I am into the Serial Killer who writes death poems and signs it off with drawings of the size of his dick at his crime scenes- mind your own business please or don't and let's have an intellectual discourse about him? Lmho.

I am also into cat memes if you care to know and have a whole IG dedicated to cat memes. I believe human beings are the most dumbest species in all the galaxies and when the Aliens arrive I am snitching.

When my mind is at rest, I often wonder if Aliens have masculinity complex and if they do whether or not their masculinity is contingent on the size of their dicks or whether they have to engage in a battle to the death with an alien grizzly bear to determine who is the man.

I love BTS memes too- a little too much and often end up debating over the internet with random people over whether BTS memes are funnier than cat memes- I'm weird, true. But how does all of that make me a bad person?

It's crazy how these people can go on these other platforms to ask people to take down the credits to my posts as well as my posts itself but can't ask people who run to these other platforms with misinterpretations of my work to take those down.

Instead they come on here to call me out for people's interpretations of my work?? It doesn't work that way. You are the author of your own opinion and interpretation of other people's work. You don't call out the original author for someone's opinion of their work. If that were so I would be emailing Stephanie Meyer for Anna Todd and her After series. Get some education.

I have since blocked this person and others whose Tumblr I have been able to find thanks to all those that's helped me finding them on here.

My gf also tried reaching out to the persons who shared my post after we realised this was becoming an issue and had asked them to credit her or my blog- but honestly I don't care about that yet she won't give it a rest. Lol. My ride or die this one. Sigh.

However, we realized soon that this is not about 'stealing' credit- can't call someone out for not giving credit when I suck at that myself. Lol.

This is about people's malicious intentions and their attempts to silence me and take away my right to freedom of expression however way that they can. This is wrong and evil.

I honestly don't care for all these ship politics these people are engaged in. I've had enough intelligent conversations to know the distinction between arguments that flows from bruised egos and actual conversations around a subject matter.

This whole I am right, she is wrong politics... y'all get that the point of having an opinion is not to be right, right? We all cant have the same perspective and you can't call someone a liar for holding views that is different from yours. That is a bizarre mentality to have.

As I stated in my post, that content I made was a rebuttal to the Taekook theories running around on the internet alleging JK glared at Tae when he pulled on his shoulder because he was jealous Tae and Jin were having fun behind him. He wasn't. He was worried Tae was gonna expose him and JM holding hands behind Suga.

If you don't think they were holding hands then Taekookers were right and his reaction was because he was Jealous of Taejin I guess...

But thats your truth. That's not my truth. I don't believe Taekook is real. JK isn't jealous of Taejin he is not Twelve- but then again he was sneaking around behind Suga holding his boyfriend's hands so I guess he is twelve? Lol. Jikook!

Do you.

But please stop the evil malicious attacks and seek immediate help. There is such a thing as right and wrong and this is just plain wrong. Your Karma and chakra are in the negative nodes and you need to fix it. It is not funny anymore.

Thank you to everyone who has shown genuine concerns for me in the past few days and thank you so much for trying to stand up for me. There are good people on here and I have met and interacted with a lot of them and thank you so much for such a wonderful experience and insightful discussions.

I don't hate people because of our differences in thoughts, beliefs, opinions. There's always room for dissenting opinions in every sphere. At the very least, we can agree to disagree and shake on it. But You can't make up shit about people just to prove your opinion is right and their opinions and views which differ from yours are 'wrong.

I am not a victim though, and they are not bullies, psst. They are just vile pathetic human beings exposing the greens of their insides. What you do says more about who you are as a person and human being. And this is who they are.

Just be a nice decent human being. That's what this world needs. Fix whatever is broken inside of you and free your mind and spirit. Hate is never the answer.

I'm going to be away for a while because I have studies, work and other interests I want to pursue at the moment- it's just my AADD flaring up so if you see me henceforth raving about Nana at least you'd know why. Lol. She's wrecking my Jimin bias. Lmho.

Spread positivity, do the right thing, stand up for a good cause and keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.

Until we meet again.

Signed,

GOLDY

[arknights-imagines]

Decided to combine both of these into one imagine since I think they go really well together! 💕 Anons, I hope you don't mind~~ 💖 Also, thank you both for the requests and nice messages! 🌸🌸 I really hope I did SilverAsh justice!!

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“ you are & always will be precious to me . ” + “ shh , it was just a nightmare . you’re safe . ”

Imagine format; lots of it is from SilverAsh's perspective

Contains: SilverAsh, gender neutral Doctor, Doctor being upset after a nightmare, implied established relationship I guess loll??

Word count: about 1.7k

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There was no room for compassion in war.

But despite the fact that SilverAsh believed and stood by that, he couldn't deny what he felt for the Doctor. With his position and what he faced daily, warm emotions weren't something he experienced often. His front was shrewd; a man who would do anything to get what he wanted.

But even then, he was always gentler to the Doctor. They were an old friend, someone he held dear - very dear, in fact. With them, his intentions never held ulterior motives; with the Doctor, SilverAsh was always in his most sincere form.

Night was calm at Rhodes Island, even if it wasn't completely quiet. People were up late, unsurprisingly, filling the facility with a light buzz of chatter or footsteps. While he knew it was important to get proper rest, it was easy to feel restless while staying in his room for hours on end, and some fresh air never did anyone any harm.

Standing on the Rhodes Island deck, the Feline stared up at the night sky, leaning on the railing. While it was just a blanket of dark spotted with stars, he always found the dark sky calming to admire.

Yawning just slightly, the Feline blinked as he heard footsteps approaching. Making sure he looked decent, he turned around with a formal facial expression, ready to greet whoever was coming closer, only for it to leave his face in an instant at who his eyes fell upon.

It was the Doctor. By the looks of it, they were planning to go to bed as well, but for some reason, they were here, running into him. Walking a little idly, they stood beside him, face turned away.

He waited for them to speak, but they didn't move or even make any gesture toward him. Lifting a brow just slightly, SilverAsh placed a hand on their shoulder, speaking in a quiet tone, "...it's late. What are you doing awake at this hour?"

A breeze passed by, and they hugged themselves just slightly. The Doctor came looking for him often, to ask about battle formations or just to see him. He didn't mind their company, not in the slightest, but they didn't seem to be acting as usual; they seemed a bit more urgent than usual - almost distressed.

Their reply came delayed, "I didn't mean to bother you. Could I…stay here for a bit?" They avoided his eyes, shifting their weight from foot to foot.

The Feline blinked, his brow lifting again. Something felt wrong - but it was late at night, they could've just been tired; perhaps they had walked to the deck just to get some fresh air. Still, the Feline felt like that wasn't at all the case; he came to the deck quite often, and they knew this. He didn't believe this was coincidence.

Nevertheless, he nodded a bit, "You can certainly stay. Though, you should know, it's improper for us to meet so late at night like this." He said this lightheartedly - he and the Doctor were far from being strict colleagues, and he wasn't bothered by them wishing to stick around him, no matter the reason. Still, at his words, they didn't give much of a reaction.

Quietly, they thanked him, folding their arms over the railing, tilting their face to look up at the sky, "I didn't mean to bother you so late. I just…needed to come see you. I looked in your room but you weren't there." They looked to the floor as SilverAsh , his gaze trained on them in concern.

"What could've urged you to do so at this hour?" He asked, squinting as he noticed how their facial expression seemed contoured in discomfort, "Do you feel ill?"

They shook their head, "No, I'm fine." The Doctor seemed to be biting their tongue, but SilverAsh didn't want to force them to speak if they didn't want to. "Just…a bit worried I guess."

His brows furrowed in concern, the Feline placed a careful hand on their shoulder, taking note of how they tensed under his touch for but a second, "Care to elaborate?" The stars nor the moon provided much light, he couldn't see their facial expression in much detail.

A meek shrug left them, the air around them uncertain and hesitant. Finally, the Doctor looked toward him, and it was only then that he realized how pallid they looked. Trying to hide his concern, his grip on their shoulder tightened by just a hair.

The Doctor spoke, words leaving them slowly, "I guess I'm just wondering…my role in all of this."

SilverAsh blinked for a moment, "Your role? We all have our roles to play, my dear." His voice was soft, as was his touch as his hand fell from their shoulder to place itself over their own hand. The Doctor seemed to relax at his tone, but whatever was bothering them didn't leave.

A small shake of their head came in reply, "Your role relies on my orders, that much I think I get at this point. But…how am I supposed to do that role when my memory is completely gone?"

SilverAsh's eyes snapped to theirs. So that was it; "You're concerned your memory loss will hinder your abilities?" Gently, the Feline squeezed their hand, catching their attention. "My dear, you may not remember, but you have never disappointed anyone I can recall, and you have never disappointed me. You've always done your job to the best of your ability, and that is enough in trying times like these." The smallest smile graced his lips, "It's always intrigued me, how you're able to show compassion even in war. I used to think that was naive, that it was useless. But you proved me wrong."

The Doctor gaped at him, eyes widened and lips open. They opened their mouth to say something, but the Feline placed a finger to their lips - there was more he wanted to say. If he was honest, SilverAsh had wanted to tell them these things as long as he could remember, but there was never a good time. Now, with them alone and the Doctor giving him their rapt attention, he didn't think there would ever be a more suitable time.

"Many here are counting on you, but the same people are prepared to support you - including myself. You may not each of remember them, and your memory…it may not return to you, that is true." He shifted, his body turning toward them as he gingerly took both of their hands, "But you should know, even at your most vulnerable moments, you will always have somebody to support you here at Rhodes Island. And even when you're unsure about that, you should always remember,"

SilverAsh looked at them with a tenderness they didn't think was possible in their world of ruin. His next words were quiet, meant for them and only them; "No matter what may happen…you are and always will be precious to me."

The Doctor stared at him, their face slowly being overtaken by shock. Even at the pallid look they were giving them, the Feline kept his eyes on theirs, hands still holding their own. He wasn't expecting himself to say such reckless words, but he didn't regret them - he wouldn't regret them, even if the Doctor reacted poorly.

However, when their reaction finally came, it was so sudden SilverAsh barely even processed what was happening.

"I…" Their words were fragile, almost being taken with the night breeze, and when they looked up at him, their eyes were brimmed with tears. He almost didn't notice under the dim lighting they were in, but in a moment, they were crying, as if they couldn't hold back their emotion any longer. The Doctor blinked, recoiling as if they had been slapped across the face, "Enciodas…I'm sorry-"

Lifting a hand to their face, careful not to stare them, SilverAsh spoke, snapping from his shock, "My dear…" A frown came to his face, his stomach sinking at how distressed they really were, "Will you tell me what truly happened now?"

They seemed embarrassed, but were in no condition to brush him off anymore. "I had a bad nightmare. That's why I came by…I couldn't go back to sleep." The Doctor confessed; their words were interspersed with small sobs and sniffles, but they continued regardless, "Everyone got hurt, and I couldn't remember what to do, I-"

The Feline hushed them softly, "Shh." He didn't let them finish; he didn't need to hear any details. Without hesitance, he wrapped his arms around their form, holding them close to his chest as they sniffed in frustration.

They gripped hard at the fabric of his shirt, biting down on their tongue to try and stop their crying, "Sorry--"

"Stop that, don't apologize." Hoping to help them calm down, he ran a hand up and down their back, "It was just your imagination, my dear." Rocking them back and forth, he finally began to coax them to calm down, "Shh, it was just a nightmare. You’re safe."

That's all it had been - a dream. There was the possibility that it could someday become a reality, but SilverAsh didn't believe so. As long as he was there, they would be safe. There were no contracts or conditions behind such a vow.

Slowly, the Doctor relaxed, their breath slowing and their crying going quiet. Nuzzled against his chest, they nodded, wrapping their own arms around his waist.

"Enciodas…thank you." Their tone was muffled and shaky, but he didn't miss the sincerity it held.

Smiling just slightly, the man nodded. "Anytime, my dear." Neither of them moved - they stayed there, the air around them light and comfortable. The night was a little chilly, but when he focused on their breathing, SilverAsh couldn't be bothered with much else.

The Doctor was very dear to him, and he wanted them to know that more than anything else. With his sisters, the Feline hadn't accomplished that. SilverAsh wasn't a perfect man, he had made mistakes and like anyone else, he had regrets. He regretted not being there for his sisters like he knew he should've before it was too late. He regretted not caring for those close to him until it was too late. He regretted his mindset that there was no room for care on the battlefield.

But if nothing else, even without doing anything else but standing pressed to his chest, the Doctor had taught him that such a mindset was wrong. Maybe he was being impulsive, maybe his own drowsiness was causing his thoughts to be scrambled; In war, there wasn't a place for a fairy-tale like relationship, but the Doctor meant more to him than they could imagine, and he would make sure they knew that, no matter what nightmare life put them through. And that, he knew he would never regret.

[aedesluminis]

@anotherhumaninthisworld

To quote what Prieur de la Côte-d'Or wrote in his Révelations (p. 450 of G. Bouchard's biography):

But let us return to the Committee of Public Safety. Carnot shared a bond of friendship only with Prieur de la Côte-d'Or. Towards the other colleagues he was just good-natured, with the exception of Robespierre, Saint-Just and Couthon, who had inspired in him a great mistrust from the very beginning.

Prieur's Révelations aren't exactly among the best unbiased sources on the market as far as the CSP dynamics are concerned, but in some instances, like this one, he was right: aside from Prieur, Carnot had never committed himself in developing a more intimate relationship with any of his colleagues. And if we believe Claude-Antoine's account, that Carnot acted politely and respectful towards all of the other CSP members except the Trumvirate™, he surely didn't have a very flattering opinion about some of them, as the Mémoires written by his son Hippolyte show (vol. 2 p. 393):

Barère was not a bad person, but very weak. Collot and Billaud were detestable.

Until now I haven't been able to find anything about Hérault, Prieur de la Marne (1) and Saint-André, but given that the latter two were often on mission, and the unfortunate Hérault was involved in matters very different than those of Carnot, I don't expect many interactions happening among them.

As for Lindet, it's a a bit more complicated to explain: it seems that Carnot respected and acknowledged his work and talent as "minister of finance" (2) during his mandate at the CSP that, probably on Carnot's suggestion, the Directory named Lindet as commissaire du pouvoir exécutif (commissioner of the executive branch?) in Eure, the region, where the latter came from.

Carnot sent him two letters one dated 3 Frimaire year IV (24 November 1795) and the other 11 (2 December); it's in the second one that Carnot explicitly expresses his esteem towards Lindet, begging him to accept the position he was granted:

I call upon my esteem and my attachment to you (vous): Suffice it to say that you are necessary.

Lindet refused and replied in a way that doesn't leave much to the imagination in regards to his true feelings towards the Directory economic decisions:

You (vous) might have heard that I was named as commissioner in the department of Eure. I refused this position, I do not want to be the one responsible for bankruptcy and famine. I am submitted to the laws, but I do not want to uphold them if they are wrong and if they lead to losses for the armies and for France. I will not accept any position: one should do it if said positions are beneficial and can prevent evil; but I do not feel allowed to accept anything that involves doing evil. I would like to know what action the Legislative Body is going to take on the assignats. This will be decisive. I will not stop working towards means to avoid bankruptcy and to thwart the measures of rascals.

Both excerpts are taken from Amand Montier's biography on Robert Lindet (p. 322 and 325).

In the two letters above, Carnot and Lindet address each other with "vous" instead of "tu", which demonstrates that between them there have never been anything resembling to friendship or intimacy. According to Montier, Carnot felt offended by the refusal and this, together with Lindet's constant criticism towards the Directory economic policies, eventually led the latter to be put on the list of those responsible for the Conspiracy of the Equals, even though there was no evidence of him having anything to do with the Babuovistes. Was Carnot himself who added the name as revenge or did he really believe Lindet was a threat? Was Carnot prompted by someone else to involve his ancient colleague? These are question I don't have an answer for at the moment, but I'm confident I will be able to when I study the whole Babeuf affair in detail.

Lastly, in his personal papers, Lindet doesn't seem to picture Carnot in a very positive way. Unfortunately these documents aren't currently accessible and all I could find about them was this very limited preview of another more recent Lindet biography written by François Pascal.

To sum up, Carnot remained friend only with Claude-Antoine Prieur. I also wish to add that the two had been knowing each other before they joined the Committee of Public Safety. During the Legislative Assembly and the Convention they both were members of another Committee, that of Public Education; they also went on mission together in August 1792 to the army of the Rhin, following a decree redacted on the 10th of the same month. It's apparently during this mission that Prieur took Carnot as a model, because of his nice conduct and working method (G. Bouchard, p. 455) (3).

Notes

(1) I found and uploaded Prieur de la Marne's Notes et souvenirs inédits here. Looking through them I found no mention of Carnot though.

(2) Even though his duties resembles that of a minister of finance, Lindet wasn't officially appointed as such. It's just a way to indicate what his tasks were about.

(3) C. A. Prieur already had a nice conduct on his own; moreover his strong dedication towards work and great organizing skills were something that his teachers had already acknowledged during his school days. It's bittersweet to read that he also attributed these qualities, which had always been part of his personality, to Carnot.

I didn't add what Carnot thought of Robespierre, Saint-Just and Couthon, because it's generally known, but for completeness:

Robespierre: a bad person, wanted to become a tyrant (weird that he didn't say Robespierre was ugly too as he did for Larevellière & co. in Réponse à Bailleul lol), he wanted me dead!!11

Saint-Just: talented, but arrogant

Couthon: he was with Robespierre, so he must have been bad too.

Apart from C-A Prieur, did anyone else in the CSP remain a friend with Lazare Carnot after Thermidor?

I think @aedesluminis and @sieclesetcieux are better suited to answer this than I am, I’m generally pretty unfamiliar with the Office CPS dynamics (I honestly don’t even know which of the members were friends of Carnot beforethermidor). But I’ve at least managed to dig out the following:

In volume 3 of his memoirs, Barère writes that he, following getting relieved of his legislative duties, wrote two or three letters to Carnot expressing some ideas on European politics and the power of the Directory, but that Carnot expressed no interest towards neither the letters or the man Barère had sent to hand them over. ”From this time my correspondence with the Director Carnot ceased; he either could, or would, do nothing for me, he forgot me altogether, and himself disappeared soon afterwards from this disunited, ill-matched, and utterly incapable Directory.”

Barère also writes that he in 1800, after having returned to Paris, had dinner with Fouché and Lamarque, ending with another encounter with Carnot: 

After dinner Lamarque told me that he wished to be reconciled to Carnot. I thought that the circumstances were favourable for the reconciliation of true patriots, as misfortune ought to unite all shades of opinion. I went to Carnot, and introduced to him my friend Lamarque, who had defended me during my proscription from the tribune of the Five Hundred.  "No doubt," replied Carnot ironically, "but he was the president of that council when I was transported as a member of the Directory." I perceived somewhat too late that there are some men whose memory is too good, and we parted rather disconcerted at this misunderstanding.

Later that year, Barère claims Carnot walked in on him and Napoleon having a conversation, and tried to help Barère obtain a position in the new regime: 

The conversation had reached this point when the Minister of War, Carnot, arrived with his portfolio to work with the First Consul. To give Carnot his due, he seemed very pleased to see me in close conversation with Bonaparte. He thought when he saw us tete-a-tete in the audience chamber that I was about to be appointed to some important office. In a few moments he said to the First Consul: "General, can you not usefully employ the talents of Citizen Barère?" The First Consul, who certainly had no desire to do so, and who had only offered me a miserable editorship, was silent, either because he did not choose to be catechised by one of his ministers, or because he had no favourable reply to make. I saw his embarrassment, and I replied to Carnot: "The First Consul would like to make me a bard to celebrate the glorious exploits of his warriors; but the age of Ossian has passed." This reply appeared to displease the First Consul, and I took my leave, considering myself very fortunate to have escaped being requisitioned as a journalist.

Collot d’Herbois mentioned Carnot once in his defence written 1795, attesting that the latter was hardworking. However, it doesn’t exactly tell us anything regarding if the two had stayed in touch or not:

I hastily ate a frugal meal every day in the vicinity of the committee. Carnot was forced to do the same, as was Prieur (de la Cote-d'Or.) They know of my assiduousness; only theirs and that of Lindet could surpass it.

As for Saint-André, I could find nothing when searching for ”Carnot” within the 1848 work Jean-Bon Saint-André, sa vie et ses écrits by Michel Nicolas. The same thing when searching for him Billuad-Varennes — mémoires et correspondance (1893)

That leaves us with Lindet and Prieur de la Marne, both of whom have left so little written material behind that I can’t say anything for the moment… There might be something in Notes et souvenirs inédits de Prieur de la Marne, but I don’t have access to those…

[koko-bopp]

Flirty Criminal

criminal!song mingi X detective!m!reader

Part 4

word count – 3K

genre – Fluff/Angst | Criminal/Cop!au

warning(s) – mentions of cheating, threats

synopsis – “[Y/N] [L/N] is known famously around his police precinct as the detective that the infamous criminal Song Mingi has a crush on. The detective denies these claims, though Mingi gets into as much trouble as possible just to see him.”

Things were going well, to say the least.

On one hand, Mingi was madly in love with you, which is what you wanted. Having the criminal wrapped around your finger was what was necessary to complete the job assignment, you were hoping he'd soon melt and tell you what you needed. You didn't ship your husband to Chicago for no reason.

Yet, on the other hand, it was getting increasingly difficult to retrieve what you needed, Mingi was always acting like he wasn't some notorious criminal, he would show a very different side to how he would normally behave. He was sweet, affectionate, constantly horny and just– you wondered; is this what Song Mingi is when he's not leading his life of violent crime.

Three and a half weeks have ran by, hickeys littered your shoulders and many kisses have met your lips. None of it bad, but Mingi had this mindset of 'I am not clingy, but I am', enough for your colleagues to know that you're seeing someone (they all know damn well that it isn't your husband, he was never this possessive) while you would change out of your work gear in the locker rooms.

This new change of pace wasn't annoying or something you were struggling to adapt to. You're literally paid to act cute and go on dates with the guy. Yet it had crossed your mind multiple times as to whether or not you were actually catching feelings for Mingi.

"Wow, your house is really nice," Mingi said, his eyes wondering around the whole place.

It's a big house, it's nice, and you're very much proud of it. High ceilings, a swimming pool at the back, a lovely porch; everything you had wanted as a child. You wrapped your arms around Mingi, his hands holding your waist as you did so. You placed a small kiss on his lips, "I missed you."

"You saw me yesterday," He chuckled, leaning forward to place another kiss. "We're actually having dinner, right? Because I came here on an empty stomach and I'm kind of starving."

"I didn't have a chef's mindset, I hope fancy ramen and wine is enough," You giggled, smiling at Mingi.

He scoffed light-heartedly, "That's fine, Im just starving. Let's enjoy our dinner, yeah?"

"What the–"

Maybe your husband shouldn't have over-thought the idea of you sending him to Chicago. You told him it as because of the fact that Mingi knew who he was and he was a potential target; and it was partly correct.

But the man you once fell in love with was standing at the entrance of the dining room with the house keys in his hand, shocked expression, eyes wide and horribly confused.

He wasn't in Chicago.

He was in your house, watching you hold hands with Song Mingi as if you were married to him.

Half a second had gone by, and the shock on your husband's face was inevitable.

Mingi was the first to notice. His eyes were smiling with his face while he was looking at you but his expression went cold when he turned his head to the man who was uninvited. He scowled, "Can we help you?"

To which you promptly turned around to as well. Your eyes went wide and out of instinct you stood up and let go of Mingi's hand, turning to your husband, "Ty...What are you doing here?"

"Me?" He scoffed at you, before looking at Mingi, "What's he doing here?"

Mingi didn't hold back, "Date night." He leaned back against the chair, his elbow propped up on the neck of it, almost slouching, but not the lazy kind, the intimidating kind. "And I don't know about you, but I don't like jerks in suits ruining them."

Ty didn't like that. Especially since he felt so in the dark with this whole situation, and the fact that you weren't doing anything to defend him made it that little bit worse. He took a step forward, his nose scrunched in anger, eyes on Mingi, "I could fucking step on you, Song."

Mingi let out a sarcastic laugh, before dropping it to a smirk, "I could fucking shoot you."

"Enough." You frowned at both of them before turning to your husband, "You. Come with me. And you–" You said, pointing at Mingi, "–You stay here."

He rolled his eyes, but stayed put regardless. His gaze drifted to your husband, glaring daggers into the guy's soul as he watched the two of you exit the room. Mingi huffed, unscrewing the bottle of red wine to fill his glass to the top, leaving the narrowest space just so the red toxins didn't overflow and permanently stain the lint, beige, tablecloth.

You had entered the guest bedroom, Ty following behind you before closing the door, making sure that there was no way anybody would hear the two of you. Ty took in a very sharp breath, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes still that bit wide from shock, "[Y/N]." He started, "[Y/N], what the fuck is going on?"

You crossed your arms, remaining calm, "Why aren't you in Chicago?"

"Excuse me?" Ty choked out, not really being able to comprehend the words coming out from his husband's mouth. "That's what your concern is? That I'm interrupting your date? Mind you, with Song fucking Mingi?"

You snapped; "I didn't interrupt your sex session with my partner, Ty."

Ty's expression went from angry to shocked. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again since his mind was too busy re-registering what you'd just said.

There were very few things you were telling the truth about the night you slept with Mingi, but one of them weren't the fact that you found your husband in bed with your partner. The white lie was when you knew. It wasn't that night, you knew months in advance, but you just didn't have the heart to confront both parties about it.

The only issue was, the more you put the confrontation on hold, the more out of love you were with Ty.

And it was the reason why you accepted the whole assignment to trick Mingi into being your boyfriend. You weren't willing to fix things with a cheater, you respected yourself too much for that, but you also went willing to risk putting Ty in danger either, so you told him that sending him to Chicago would be safest for him.

Ty obviously didn't get the message, since he's in the same household as a man who killed a bunch of people, as well as willing to kill someone who's hurt someone he loves.

"Yeah," you sighed, "That's what I thought."

Cheating on a cheater is like fighting fire with fire; there's nothing wrong with it, just as long as both parties are sane enough to manage the flames. But it doesn't mean that ones flame won't occasionally burn the other.

"Get whatever the fuck you need, then go to my precinct. I'll call Haulting, he'll send you on the next flight to a safe house." There's always a plan B. You lock eyes with Ty, no smile, no frown, just some expression that told him that you didn't care what he needed to tell you, "If you need to talk; you call Haulting, not me. He'll forward you to me during bussiness-hours if it's urgent."

"[Y/N], don't—"

"I already did," you said, "And you did too. So don't bother."

Ty frowned, his brows furrowed in the process. He really wanted to say something, something that will show his guilt but also stop you from what he thinks is a dangerous decision. Though he knows danger isn't something you worry about, you didn't become a detective for nothong.

He didn't say anything. He looked at you for the last time that night before walking past you. He couldn't believe he was listening to you, or even letting go of the fact that youre still going to be around that bastard.

He stopped in his tracks when he reached the enterance of the dining room. He glared at Mingi, the jerk was sitting in the chair, glass of wine half empty with a stupid grin on his face that was directed to Ty.

"Watch your step, Song."

"Watch your your back, punk." Mingi laughed, before giving a knowing smirk, "If you're not careful, there might just be a bullet heading your way."

Ty scoffed, heading out the door, not forgetting to slam behind him as he left.

Mingi rolled his eyes, taking a mouthful of the red wine before turning around to see you enter the room again. He smiled at you softly, "You okay?"

You nodded, sighing. "Yeah, sorry."

Mingi shook his head, putting his drink down. He watched you put your phone on the table, the device sitting up. He raised up from his seat, wrapping his arms around your waist and placing his chin on your shoulder, "My help is yours if you need it."

You smiled, just a bit, taking in the smell of his cologne with your arms wrapped around his neck, "Thanks."

Mingi's eyes accidently wandered to your phone. He saw the thing light up, so it was almost hard to miss.

-

Wayne Haulting (Supervisor)

[8:11pm] I know you're on a date with Song, but I need a report back on hi...

-

The criminal frowned. His thoughts rushed to one thing, then to another, before stopping when you pulled away from the embrace.

His heart almost melted when you smiled at him, the action replicating a similar expression on his face.

You sighed, "Sorry for ruining dinner." You said, gently pulling on one of Mingi's buttons, "Want to watch a movie or something?"

Mingi nodded, "Sure."

But not before his mind fixing to wanting to know what that text was about.

[muzeez]

Saturday

16th May 2020

18:11

Anthea phoned me up today. She's been checking in with me on a weekly basis since lockdown began. We've been having some long conversations going on for over an hour and more. She's been calling me by video, the first time was a bit of a shock for me because I'm not used to talking on a video call.

Today we were talking about bullying and she can't stand bullying, whether it's between adults or between children. I was surprised to learn that Dexter had had quite a bad experience at school with being bullied, to the point where the teacher had to stand him on a wall during playtimes, to stop other kids picking on him. Poor Dexter.

Anthea told me about one incident she witnessed herself when she was a dinnerlady at Dexter's school. She was looking through the canteen window where the kids were passing and she saw one of the other boys snatch Dexter's hat off his head and shove it in a drain. Anthea saw red and when the kids came into the dining hall, she went out and grabbed the boy by the arms and shook him, along with a warning not to touch her son or any of his belongings. She said the whole of the dinner hall fell silent and when she turned round the head mistress was stood there.

"Anthea, could you come into my office please" the head mistress had demanded.

Anthea had admitted it wasn't her proudest moment, she'd totally lost control for a moment. She told me she's had her own experiences of bullying when she was at school and she was always frightened to stand up for herself. So, to see that happening to her son with her own eyes triggered something in her. She didn't stand uo for herself at school but she could stand up for her son.

The head mistress had given her a warning and when she came out of the office, the culprit was sat there crying his eyes out.

"And as I walked passed him Muzeez, no word of a lie, the little fucker looked up at me and smirked" Anthea told me. "Then he went back into his crocodile tears. I just couldn't believe that a little kid could be so..... not just a little bully but devious Like that."

I've got a million stories I could have told Anthea about my experiences of being 'bullied' but I didn't want to feel like I was comparing my experiences with a child's experiences.

I've had and am having experiences with my neighbours, experiences with work. Hansel's been a cunt and a half with me.

I've had experiences with Marie and Kathleen. Even Rasbach who is supposed to be my best friend has ostracised and persecuted me at work. Customers. In fact I could say I've been bullied in every part of my life apart from when I worked with Judith and Miriam and when I moved to the city and workes there.

I asked Anthea if she'd heard anything from Mitchell because I haven't heard from him, about him or seen him for about 3 years. Probably, one of the last times I've seen him was when he came to where I work and Kathleen happened to be there.

"I'm not surprised I haven't seen much of him since" I told Anthea. "You know how blunt Kathleen can be and when she saw him she told him he looked knackered."

Anthea laughed and told me I should have added '... and I don't.'

Anthea told me she checks in with him once a week. He's living on his own and he's not got any work. Before Coronavirus he'd been doing deliveries for a Chinese takeaway (which I knew about) but that was knocked on the head due to the pandemic.

I wanted to ask how he was coping for money and how he was getting by. Was he furloughed? But I didn't want to come across like I cared too much.

Anthea then told me that Mitchell had mentioned to her about when he came to see me at work on one of my birthdays and given me some money and he told Anthea that he wouldn't be doing that again because I acted 'ungrateful'. 😮😮😮

'Cheeky Bastard' I thought to myself.

"I remember that day" I told Anthea. "I was actually in two minds whether to accept the money but I did accept it and I did thank him. Mainly because we were in public. There were people around us, including Hansel (who's always quick to judge me on things) and I didn't want to turn round and say, 'oh no thanks' to Mitchell in front of everybody, because then I would feel like I was publicly humiliating him and rejecting him. And if I came across ungrateful then he was totally misreading me. When I'm at work, I've got alot of other things going on with me and the things I'm putting up with from the public and Rasbach and Hansel and colleagues. So maybe I was wound up and reserved as a result of that. I certainly wasn't ungrateful."

In my mind, I couldn't believe Mitchell had said that to Anthea. I wouldn't mind, it was only twenty quid. What did he want me to do, start getting emotional and throwing my arms around him, over a £20 note?!? Now I am sounding ungrateful, only because I now know what he said about it.

"Don't worry, I gave him a mouthful for calling you ungrateful" said Anthea. "I told him it was the least he could've done, he's never done owt for ya, he's never paid maintenance for ya and he's never been around for you and you're his only son."

A part of me was thinking, 'I hope Anthea doesn't make a habit of guilt tripping Mitchell, where I'm concerned.' Nobody's perfect and the way I see it, maybe he's not been the Dad he should've been to me but he has made attempts to make amends.

When I was 12 years old, Marie walked out on Byron and one day the phone rang.

I answered the phone and I remember a male voice on the other end telling me he was my Dad and he'd heard that 'that geezer' my Mum was with wasn't around anymore and he'd like to see me.

I remember being absolutely ecstatic about the whole thing, I was overwhelmed with excitement. Not just because Mitchell was my real Dad but also because someone was reaching out and expressing an interest in me, in this way. Marie must have seen my excitement and she left the ball in my court. "As long as you don't build up your hopes too much Muzeez, he's got a habit of letting people down." She was willing to give him a chance to see me, despite what he'd done to her in the past because at the end of the day, I was his only child (as far as we know).

Don't get me wrong, there were times when he didn't turn up and I'd be heartbroken. There were times when he'd pick me and Clanton up and drop us off at one of his fluzies for the day while he went off galavanting doing his own thing. However, I can't forget his attempts to be good and he had a heart. Mitchell would insist that Clanton come along too because Mjork had his Dad, I was getting my Dad (kind of) and Mitchell couldn't bear the idea that Clanton didn't have his Dad coming around and was getting left behind, all on his own. So, he'd bring Clanton with us. In fact, looking back now, he seemed to have more of a soft spot for Clanton and whenever I've seen Mitchell he's always asked about him.

Anyway, I haven't forgotten these things, I haven't forgotten about Mitchell taking me to the city and buying me a leather jacket, I haven't forgotten about him buying me a black and white TV and I haven't forgotten about him paying for me to go on a school trip to the Black Forest in Germany and I never forget how he made sure Clanton was included even though he wasn't his biological son. Mitchell once bought Clanton a pellet gun for his birthday. Marie and Kathleen went ballistic about that and confiscated it immediately.

I've never ever ever been ungrateful towards Mitchell. Him coming around when I was 12 and doing the things he did really lit up my world and I'm sure it lit up Clanton's world. It was devastating when it all came to an end after he kidnapped us and Marie put a stop to him seeing us.

I wanted to tell Anthea about how I felt about it and tell her she was wrong about Mitchell. He had tried, he had done things for me (and Clanton) but it's like I'm torn. I feel that by talking about how good Mitchell is will make me a traitor to Marie and Kathleen, especially after all the stories they've told me about how abusive and selfish Mitchell has been. And ever since the comment he made towards Marie about what he did to her back in the day, totally dismissing her, saying good things about Mitchell is NOT something you do. It might appear to people that I hate Mitchell but I actually don't but I feel if I need to keep a distance from him otherwise Marie and Kathleen will think I'm going against them and that maybe I'm in acceptance of the abuse he inflicted on Marie. Because, now I'm a fully grown adult I can 'understand' things. As a 12 year old boy, I was a kid and couldn't be accused of being a traitor... I don't know if that makes sense or not. Let me come back later to this. I'm getting tired right now.

[muzeez]

Thursday

7th May 2020

18:05

It got to about 4pm and I decided I was going to brave walking past Henrietta, Merlin, Persia and Folie, who, as usual were "hanging out" outside the entrance of the building. As I was about to set off I could hear a brand new voice and when I peeped out of my nets a new guy had joined them, who's not even from our building. He was there yesterday, drinking with Merlin and Henrietta and he was virtually on top of Merlin. When I came back from the shop (yesterday) Henrietta had gone in. I walked passed Merlin and the guy, who normally says hello to me, and neither of them battered an eyelash at me. Just totally engrossed with eachother. I was fucking FURIOUS, not so much with the guy from outside, but with Merlin. I thought, 'yeah you bastard, you certainly can be an ignorant piece of shit, when you want to be'... all because he's got a fresh new person with him... Cunt. I felt so insignificant and almost a sense of humiliation. He speaks with everyone, even when he's inside, a person can't walk passed without him rushing to his window.

When this lockdown business started I was actually quite looking forward to it. I was looking forward to having a massive break from work. I was looking forward to not having to put up with the hostile crap from customers. I was looking forward, to not feeling like a total outcast around my colleagues and other traders, council people, employees. I was going to be able to get on top of myself, by myself, without nit pickers and fault finders and haters.

It didn't take me long before I realised that I wasn't going to get much of a breather where that was concerned. The weather's been nice and Henrietta's been out every single day, rallying the other neighbours to be on side with her. Merlin, Persia, Folie all making sure they get their social feed and I'm feeling like an outcast AGAIN. Why can't they keep themselves to themselves. The Henrietta and Merlin complain about how painful lockdown is for them. Henrietta hasn't even tried to stay inside, if anything she's socializing more than ever because normally she doesn't even work so what's changed for her??!! Then when she's finished having her fill outside my window, she goes inside and starts with her "facetiming" and trust me, she makes no effort whatsoever to keep her voice down.

Anyway, I went downstairs to go to the shops and I saw the door, leading into the back area, was open. I slipped out of that door so I wasn't forced to pass my neighbours.

I arrived at the local supermarket and there was a queue a mile long to get in. I walked all the way round the carpark area, so I didn't violate anybody's distancing.

I was becoming increasingly irritated because I noticed a dude had gotten ahead of me in the queue who I had previously seen as I was walking up the road and he was quite a way behind me and in the other side of the road. To see he was suddenly in front of me and well ahead in the queue meant that he hadn't been bothered about violating distancing rules. He must have gone up the steps where the main doors were, while I'd conscientiously walked all the way around.

I eventually got into the supermarket, I had wiped down my basket with a disinfectant wipe and I was picking up the bits n bats that I needed.

I kept getting a whiff of strong sweat like somebody hadn't used deodorant or had a shower for a year and as I walked down the last aisle, it became clear that it was the guy who'd gotten ahead of me in the queue. He was ahead of me again, joining the queue for the cashier.

My heart sank as I saw that that the cashier on duty was the old miserable bitch who always looked like she was irritated by me.

When it got to my turn and I approached the cashier desk, the cashier started talking into her headset and looking passed me. All the cashiers have a bad habit of doing that and it always seems to be when it's my turn to be served. I don't notice them doing it to other customers. Anyway, as usual, I tried to ignore it and maintained my usual friendliness, "Aya!!" I said as I placed my basket down.

"Aya!" she reluctantly said back.

Then I became aware of somebody stood to the right of me about 1 metre away. The supermarket have put social distancing markings on the floor to guide customers. The old bitch who was serving me and had barely looked at me yet, started talking to the woman behind me asking her something, it was in relation to the conversation she'd been having in her headset. The woman started reeling off what it was she was wanting. Violating my social distancing space and trying to put herself before me while I'm getting served and the cashier welcoming her to do so.

My irritation level was increasing and increasing.

Even in normal times, I've found when I go to the supermarket, staff are pigs towards me and other customers are always trying to make me feel like I'm in their way and they have the right to be ahead of me, when I have waited my turn. I have rarely seen it happen to other customers. It's always me. It infuriates me, especially because I don't do that to anyone. I wait my turn, I keep a reasonable distance from people in queues, (even in normal times), I don't cut into other people's conversations or interactions and I always have manners.

My blood was boiling and I wanted to turn around and scream "FUCKOFF YOU IGNORANT BITCH... wait your FUCKING turn and get the FUCK outta my space, can't you see the signs in the floor you arrogant cow." I know that if I had done that, it would have been ME in the wrong and the woman would probably start arguing with me, it would have been an excuse for the old bitch cashier to be even MORE of a bitch towards me and I would pribably end up being the one getting escorted of the premises with every arsehole giving me disapproving, hateful looks.

The smell of sweat was still hanging in the air from the dude who'd been served before me so I turned to the woman behind me and smiled, "That's not me, just in case you were thinking it was, it was the guy before me." I was ignoring every instinct I had in my body to spit venom at her and going the complete opposite, making a comment about the smell of sweat in a friendly, jokey manner. The woman just looked at me indifferently, with a miserable attitude expression on her face, as if to say, "why are you talking to me?"

Just as I'd finished the sentence and before anybody could respond with laughter or joke even if they wanted to and before I could even turn my head back to the front, the cashier in an abrupt and snappy manner, "five pound 45 please" even though she said please there was nothing polite about her tone and she was cutting off my comment sharply. So, now I'm holding the job up am I, bitch. A minute ago she seemed more interested talking to the woman rather than paying attention to the transaction with me and now she wants to get snappy with me because I've put my attention on the woman too.

I scanned my card and the woman behind me decided to storm off impatiently. You'd have thought I had screamed abuse at her.

By now my heart was beating so fast I felt like I had a trapped, panicking butterfly in my chest. I was so angry but I still composed myself and remained polite.

As I was leaving the supermarket the woman who had been breathing down my neck was at one of the main serving tills, saying something to the cashier there. As I walked by her she looked up towards the cashier who'd just served me and said "oh.... (something inaudible)". She didn't give me a sideways glance.

As I made my way home, I was thinking to myself about the videos on facebook where you get individuals having "public freakouts" and fights breaking out in shops.

When I got back to my building I noticed that the backdoor had been closed.

'Bastards!' I thought to myself. It felt deliberate. That meant I had to walk through the front entrance, passed my neighbours, which I really didn't want.

As I walked down the side of the building, I saw Merlin throwing something into the main bins. Probably empty beer cans. They weren't in any bags or anything.

"Aya!" he shouted.

"Aya!" I shouted back. Then he was off. When I got round the front of the building, I just saw the main door closing behind him. Everybody had suddenly decided to go inside. But I found it Odd that Merlin had been so quick to disappear through the door. Merlin, who can't wait to talk to people. He's spent every single day since lockdown began, outside my window, having a whale of a time, acting like he's topdog and spokes person of the building. Chatting and socializing with everyone. Even when he's indoors, people can't walk passed without him running to his window to chat them up. Yet, right now, he can't wait to get inside?? Shady little fuckface.

The first thing I heard when I opened the door is Henrietta, "... merlin,..... Oh I'LL TELL YA LATER!!" So, it was as if Merlin had rushed inside to say something to Henrietta, who was just taking chairs back into her flat. Whether it was to do with me, I don't know but for Henrietta to be suddenly saying something then deciding to shout, "I'll tell ya later" when she knew I was coming through the door. It's not the behaviour of people who want to make you feel good with them, is it?

As I walked passed she said 'aya' but it was one of them sarcastic ayas. I said aya back but I made it clear in my tone that I was pissed off and not happy.

When I got back in my flat and closed the door behind me, my rage exploded. It all became too overwhelming and I was seething. I just wanted to go to the shop for a few essentials and a little break and it was like I'd been bombarded with nastiness and shadiness from every which way. No love or acceptance for me whatsoever. If I thought a quick trip to the shops was going to make me feel better, I was wrong. Before I felt a little bit iffy but now I felt like complete shiy and I was raging because I felt totally unable to retaliate. I screamed "FUCK 'EM ALL" at the top of my lungs "FUCKING SET OF BASTARDS... I'LL TELL YA LATER??.... BITCH.... SMUG ANOREXIC BASTARD...." I was basically spitting venom out of my mouth and the rage was so that I didn't care what I was screaming but the anger was Still increasing because I wasn't able to scream it directly at them. I grabbed my washing uo bowl out of the sink and I flung it across the kitchen "SELFISH DISCRIMINATING BASTARDS.... WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE...." I ran across the kitchen and kicked the washing up bowl into the living room and it shattered into pieces, I went after it again and flung it back into the kitchen, imagining it was Merlin's head. It was Him who I mainly wanted to get and I screamed that fact at the top of my lungs. I was out of control. "Smug BASTARD.... JUST BECAUSE HE'S GOT EVERYONE AROUND HIM AND HE'S GOT ASBO GEORGE ON HIS SIDE" I screamed. "SHADY LITTLE FUCKER!!" It was so much coming out of me and it was mostly directed at Merlin. But I'm angry at everyone. Henrietta, Merlin, Persia, Folie, Johanna (who befriended Marie on Facebook but not me) all the outsiders coming to our building and giving Henrietta and Merlin exactly what they want. Oh and that Beatrice. All of them. Not just because of the current lockdown situation and their indirect disregard of what we should all be doing but I'm angry at the way they make me feel, by all having a whale of a time outside my window and calling out to eachother and the social isolation that they make me feel. Even before the pandemic, Henrietta used to do it. Rallying everyone to hang out, outside the main entrance but since the lockdown she and the others seem to have ramped it up. Including being friends with eachother and I've noticed she doesn't seem to want to bother moving to the back area anymore. They stay their arses in front of my window. Then I go to the supermarket and have the cashier being a complete Bitch and another customer being a complete bitch and people getting ahead of me because they don't respect distancing rules and they stink of sweat.

Oh, I'd also screamed about them DMing and contacting eachother because I know they do. I get the funny feeling they contact eacthother encouraging eachother to do things like banging and stuff.

When I'd calmed down, I actually had a headache, from the screaming.