#How the FUCK am I supposed to 1 study and 2 draw if I can't get calm for two seconds?!

[stop-talking]

You're his ex, but he's desperate for a babysitter. (pt. 2)

Mike Schmidt x fem reader

2.2k words

Tags: 18+, mike x fem reader, no use of y/n, exes, enemies to lovers, slowburn? sassy mike, sassy reader, pet names, banter, angst, fluff, babysitting Abby. (no smut... yet.)

Part 1 Part 3

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Mike calls you up to ask a favor for the 2nd night in a row. He hates having to resort to you, his ex for Christ's sake, but he has no other choice. Besides, after last night... maybe he doesn't hate it so much.

"Again?" You ask, feigning annoyance. "What, did your usual babysitter fuck off and die?"

Mike winces at that. "I hope not. I can't really afford anyone else right now."

"And why do you expect me to come be your free labor, Schmidt?"

"Because I'll owe ya one?"

"You already owe me one from last night."

"..."

"I'll owe you two."

You scoff in an attempt to cover a laugh. Damnit. Why did he have to be so charming?

"Fine. But we are not making a habit of this."

"We aren't. I promise. I'll look for a new babysitter this weekend. I just can't leave Abby alone overnight."

"That's a strange way of saying you can't go another minute without me."

"You're delusional, woman."

"A delusional woman you owe two favors, Mikey. Be careful throwing insults."

Now it's Mike's turn to stifle a laugh. He coughs in a feeble attempt at covering it up.

"What, catching a cold?"

"No. You just make me sick."

"Stop flirting with me and hang up already."

Mike does just that, slamming the corded landline phone back into it's holster. The little smiley face sticker Abby stuck to it years ago seems to taunt him almost as much as you just did. He sighs, leaning against the counter and wondering how he got himself into this mess. He shouldn't enjoy it so much when you toy with him like this. That's all it was, he was being played with. But damn it, after being lonely so long... he'd take what he could get.

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

You arrive at his house around half an hour later, annoyed at the prospect of crashing on his couch for the 2nd night in a row. You try to make your displeasure evident with a scowl as he opens the door, but when you see the way he's gawking at you...

"Stop staring. It's rude." You can't help but smirk slightly as you scold him, he's just so easy to mess with.

"Did you really have to dress like a slut just to babysit?" Mike hisses as you set down your things, taking in your outfit. A pair of shorts that you'd definitely be cold in, and a white tank top. Of course, you had a hoodie too, but it was unzipped, and he was more focused on what it didn't cover.

"Hey, last time you said..." Mike nods to the kitchen, and you trail off as you notice the girl sitting and coloring at the table. Abby. Oh. Right.

"You're not in any position to judge my clothing choices, Mikey."

Mike shivers as you whisper in his ear. What exactly is that supposed to mean? His clothes are fine, right? He studies his hoodie and jeans, then shakes himself and grits his teeth as he follows you into the kitchen.

"Look! Mike drew this one!" Abby excitedly shoves a piece of paper in your face as you sit down at the kitchen table with her. It's a sketch of a forest, pine trees and shrubs. It's actually rather well drawn, and you take a minute to look over it.

"It's nice, but you're the better artist for sure." You slide the paper back over to her and give Mike a teasing smile as he sits down across from you, on the other side of Abby.

"Oh, I know." She turns her attention back to her own drawing, another one of Mike. And... wait, was that...? No, it couldn't be...?

"Abby, what are you drawing?" Mike asks the question before you can, craning his neck to get a better look at her paper.

"You." She responds vaguely, still scribbling away.

"Okay, but what exactly is he doing?" You ask, scooting closer to her for a better look.

"And what am I wearing?"

"A suit. It's your wedding." Abby casually drops a bomb on you both, still not even bothering to look up from her paper. Wedding? Mike?

"You're engaged?" You turn to the dumbfounded older Schmidt, and discreetly scan his hands, looking for a ring.

"N-no? What? Abby, I'm not getting married." He finally sputters, face flushed a light shade of pink.

Abby doesn't respond, still focused on her drawing. Now that you're sure what it is, you can totally see it. The red isle. The benches. Mike, wearing... something that sort of resembles a suit, if you squint. And... a bride. You nearly choke when you spot her.

"Abbs, who's that?" You ask, pointing a shaky finger at the bride, who almost looks familiar...

"You."

"..."

Mike gives you a look, and you both quickly excuse yourselves from the table.

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

"Seriously, Mike? First you tell her I'm a witch, then you tell her I'm your fiancé? Make up your goddamn mind." You scowl at him and zip up your hoodie as he closes the door behind you. The night air is chilly, and you're almost starting to regret the shorts. Almost.

Mike returns your scowl as he leans against a wall. His porch isn't exactly the best hang out spot, but you two needed to speak privately after Abby's little comment.

"I didn't tell her you're my fiancé." He growls, speaking firmly. Must be trying to make up for the way he was totally blushing earlier.

"So what, then? She just made it up?"

"Come on..." He groans, burying his face in his hands and letting the tough act fall for a moment. "You know how she is..."

It was true, his sister was... weird. He still loved her obviously, more than anyone, especially his stupid ex-girlfriend. But she was certainty different from other kids, made evident by the fact she spent more time talking to imaginary people than Mike.

"Seriously... I didn't fuckin' say that..." Mike wasn't a very good liar. But this wasn't lying, right? He'd never explicitly told Abby he was going to marry you, but he definitely humored her when she asked about it way back when you two were dating. He'd told her maybe. Maybe. To a kid, that meant yes.

"You sure, Mikey? Don't have a ring hidden away somewhere, waiting to pop the question?" You cross your arms and scoff, but it's hard to be angry when this whole thing is so amusing. Abby definitely had a wild imagination, but she wouldn't just make up something like that out of nowhere. There had to be more to this.

"Hell no. I'd rather die alone than marry a witch." He practically spits in anger, but he's more angry at himself than you or Abby. He should have shut Abby down immediately when she asked about marriage... especially considering the relationship hardly lasted 3 months. But, well, he was a lovesick fool. Way back then. Not anymore.

"Pfft. Fine. Have fun at work, Honey." You taunt him as you head back inside, and you can hear him grumble more than a few curses in response.

Little sisters and ex-girlfriends, man. Mike wanted to scream.

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You nearly choke on your glass of water as Abby drops yet another bomb on you.

"C-can you repeat that?" You ask, coughing.

"Will you teach me witch stuff? You know, cursing people?" Abby blinks up at you innocently. Damn these Schmidts and their big brown puppy eyes.

"Please? When you lifted the curse from Mike, it really worked!" She insists eagerly. "He colored with me!"

You watch as she proudly holds up Mike's drawing of a forest. She must really treasure it.

"I... uh... why do you want to learn witchcraft, Abby?"

Abby cocks her head at the question. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Fair enough." You laugh and shake your head. This kid.

"Alright... but we can't do witchery on empty stomachs. What do you want to eat?"

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

When Mike quietly slips back into the house at the crack of dawn, he nearly trips over his own feet when he sees the state of his kitchen table.

"The fuck happened here?" He mutters, picking up one of the many papers strewn across the table. The weird markings all over it vaguely resembled hieroglyphics, not that he was an expert on those. The part that really concerned him, though, was the circle of candles in the center of the table.

They weren't lit, thankfully, but they looked like they had been. Damn it. Those were for emergencies. Like the time he forgot to pay the power bill.

"Too tired for this shit." He gives up on trying to decipher whatever-the-fuck you and Abby did, and makes his way into the living room. He pauses yet again when he sees you sleeping on the couch. Was that his blanket? And pillow? From his bed? Damn infuriating woman.

"Get up." He gives your shoulder a shake, not bothering to be gentle. He doesn't have the patience right now.

"Nngh... 5 more minutes." Ugh. You sound just like Abby.

"Don't be a bum." He rips the blanket off of you, then immediately regrets it when he remembers just how little you're wearing. Your tank top had shifted, almost completely exposing your... fuck, he shouldn't stare.

"Don't you have work?" He grumbles, flopping down in his recliner and pointedly looking away from your body.

"Nah... It's my day off." You sit up and stretch, planting your feet on the floor and reaching up to the sky as you lean back against the couch. Either you don't notice that one of your breasts has fallen out of your tiny top, or you just don't care. Mike clears his throat and looks away again. Fuck. He's definitely blushing.

"Oh, shit." With a casual hand, you tuck your breast back into the tank top. Must have moved around a lot. Damn uncomfortable couch.

"You wanna explain why it looks like I hosted a cult meeting in my kitchen?" Mike snaps, finally able to focus.

"Hey, you're the one who convinced Abby I'm a witch. Not my fault the promise of learning a spell is such an effective way of getting her to eat dinner."

Mike furrows his brow at that. You got her to eat dinner? Two nights in a row? That's an accomplishment. "...Fine. But please, clean up your mess next time. I have to take her to school in a couple hours, and if the table is-"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll clean it up. Let me get some coffee first, jeez." You brush him off and make your way into the kitchen. He still has the same shitty coffee maker that looks like it belongs in an antique store. And no creamer, because Mike hates joy.

"You want a cup too?"

"I shouldn't. Gotta go to sleep after I drop Abby off at school." He grunts from the other room, and you can hear him getting out of the old creaky recliner he loves so much.

"Ah. Night shift."

"Yeah. Night shift."

Mike shuffles into the kitchen and you both stand there awkwardly for a few moments as the coffee brews.

"You don't really look like you sleep, you know." You remark, taking in his ever-present eyebags for the hundredth time.

"Yeah, well, I do. Sleeping is just so... tiring." He scoffs, making light of the situation. He's telling the truth, though. Sleep for him is more of a project than real rest. His eyes glaze over as he gets lost in thought for a moment.

"You good, Mike?" He flinches as you place a hand on his shoulder. He wasn't expecting that from you.

"Yeah, uh, just..."

"Tired?"

"Yeah."

You sigh and decide to let it go, turning your attention to the mess on the kitchen table instead. He didn't owe you an explanation, especially now that you're not together, but it was still frustrating. He's obviously dealing with something, probably a lot of somethings, and he's too stubborn to admit it. That stubbornness is gonna be the end of him, you swear. It was what ended your relationship. Partially.

"Here, I'll help." Mike fumbles to help you pick up papers and crayons, colored pencils and candles. After a few minutes, it doesn't look like such a disaster.

"Oh, by the way." You pour yourself a cup of coffee, and start to stir in a few spoons of sugar. Too much sugar, for Mike's taste. "Abby's little blue dolphin stuffed animal is invisible to you now, got it? As long as it's in the house, grown-ups can't see it. I think she put it in your room to test you. Just ignore it."

"Is that what you two were doing?" Mike leans back against the counter and scoffs, but makes a mental note to ignore the little dolphin from now one. He'd humor her, if it meant she'd eat her dinner.

"I don't know? I panicked, okay? I had to think of something harmless but still believable and exciting for a little kid."

"And 'invisible stuffed animal' was the best you could think of?"

"This is a warning. Find a new goddamn babysitter or I'm teaching her curses next. And you have to play along."

Mike can't help but smile at that. A real smile.

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Already workin' on the next part don't worry <3

Edit: Part 3

[wufflesvetinari]

for the fic writer asks, 14, 16, and 54?

<3

14. how do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences?

hmm i do try to draw from, like, the physicality of my own emotions. but to be honest, i'm usually using recalled emotion rather than feeling what the character feels in that moment! sometimes when i'm experiencing strong emotion irl there is a part of me cataloging how it feels, how i'll describe it later, etc (just #normal person things)

i also spend a lot of time thinking about whether the level of emotionality reads well in the context of the whole--sometimes i write a very emotional version of a scene and then rein it in a little, so the rest of the fic has further to go.

the writing by others that most affects me implies an emotion without drowning me in it--draws the shape of it and lets me put the pieces together myself. and i do aim for this, but my parameters also differ between fic and origfic, because my goals are different between the two. i'm going to be much more explicit about emotionality in fic, allow for more internal narration of the feeling etc, because that is often The Goal of the Fic. and in origfic i'm going to spend more time trying to craft gutpunching individual passages rather than, say, a paragraph to get the same idea across in greater detail

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

i'm taking a break from writing wyllstarion to recharge after finishing Be My Mirror and you wait so long. i do have maybe ~2 tavstarion things that are in my head! BUT UNFORTUNATELY i've mostly been having ideas about jamie tartt of ted lasso fame (like 4 of them). i have no idea whether you, tumblr user ushauz, have seen ted lasso, but anyway:

in canon, jamie tartt is a footballer with #abuse trauma who, over the course of 3 seasons, goes from self-absorbed locker room bully to #soft masculinity woobie golden retriever. and--

i...ok. look. i am not a particularly smutty writer but it's important to understand that i am being completely objective (scientific, even!) when i say he has massive sub energy.

in season 1 he dates keeley, a delightful model/PR professional, who breaks up with him for (to oversimplify) being a bro-y dick. she canonically thinks it's hot for men to 1) obey her and 2) be vulnerable; jamie in later seasons is frequently vulnerable and also seems uh...enthusiastic about obeying orders from somebody he trusts. but s1 jamie is drowning in toxic masculinity! like "don't let them see a hint of weakness/pick on the smallest guy in the room to establish dominance" masculinity!

i'd enjoy writing a character study of their s1 relationship in which the seeds of s3 jamie start coming out against his will. their semi-ironic puppy play thing stops feeling totally ironic. she tells him about using a strap on her ex-girlfriends and he can't stop thinking about it for a week. they go to a fancy gala and he knows he's supposed to be into her hanging off his arm looking all pretty, but instead his head's going in circles about how pretty he looks as an accessory to her

and this fucks him up SO BAD he sabotages their relationship and that's why they break up lmao

54. What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

honestly, the hyperfixation of it all? i don't access that energy while writing origfic very often (though i know a project is going very well if i get close). it is EXTREMELY satisfying to put very specific guys in a situation. and to imagine how you're going to devastate the guys' other devotees by doing so; that part is very important

[ggren-mainz]

Umineko - question arcs playthrough -> ep 1 - 7

last part - All parts and episodes - next part

If i continue like this i might en up needing to make a master list with all the links, cause apparently there's a limit to how many links and photos you can have in one post. Oh well, an issue for future me.

The witch! It's the witch! They're real and very witchy!! Death to non-believers!!

Ok but a non-witch theory, hmm it wouldn't be impossible for someone to fake all of these, at least for now it's pretty simple. And the butterflies could be just a trick of light. But eh, it's more fun to think that witches exist now, isn't it?

Betting on them discovering a body or something like that.

Dead dead DEAD D E A D.

The perfect stuck together with a body mystery, am I right? Can't get out of the island, no contact with the outside. Reminds me of that one Agatha Christie play (and i do know this is a very common theme in her works but this is the one i saw) The Mousetrap. Very fun.

Hell yeah, erasing the evidence. Gonna help the mystery for sure.

oooh la la, 2 with one stone, not like i am complaining! But unfortunately i do know that he will live so yeah. All else i know is that George, Jessica, Kanon and Sayo live at least until answers arc, Rosa at least until ch2 where she pulls out a gun(????) and Beatrice and Battler the entire game. yeah, that's kind of it.

ok wait a second let's think. This makes...5 people.

... so prob someone else is also missing which would make 6. Huh so this is...the start of the witch's epitath huh. And i assume the two who are close are Sayo and George. We also know at least 5 people will be left alive after the 3rd night. Interesting.

Natsuhi Entered Kinzo's study and he basically said she's an Ushiromya in her heart, and he's so right. She does everything for this damned family, while the siblings all try to tear it apart. You might be insane and probably evil Kinzo, but this one was right. Even a broken clock is right twice a day or something.

Still waiting for the toxic yuri + hate sex between these two. Bet it exists.

yep, knew it. Well there goes the 6th one. Now as I have mentioned, i know they aren't dead but i am curious over where they are and what will happen to them

wait huh did they find their bodies?? one body? someone's body, or at least someone gravely hurt??

I was about to say that I hope Maria doesn't join them. Good cause i doubt it will be a pleasant sight.

Ooook.... I don't know if i should say i expected this or not. Like on one hand i did, on another i didn't. So they'll come back but...how? I am sure they will, at least some of them but again...how??? Love Jessica's voice acting tho.

Back with the bold text, and yeaa... yea. Poor battler, i genuinely feel so bad for him. And i wonder how Maria will react, thank god she didn't come.

Also thought, but was Natsuhi supposed to be one of the victims, but because of the charm she was saved? And mayhap Gohda was taken instead of her? Just an idea. Also the tips represent how much their faces were fucked up, good to know. And also probably where they were originally stabbed, looking at the other red dots. Quite small tho...

Gosh this is so depressing... Poor George, poor Jessica, poor Battler, poor Maria POOR EVERYONE.

THAT'S THE KEY! The key that chose them! I think at least, because it seems like a pretty unimportant detail to press so much on, and especially draw like this.

So basically after this Kumasawa comes and cries about blood in the dining room, and after a bit of investigation they conclude that that must be the crime scene. They all leave with a bitter taste in their mouth. And after that the most unexpected thing happens (sarcastic)

yeppp....no one expected this.

I wonder if the typhoon will last longer, as for all of the days said in the epitaph to happen. I mean it would be a bit anticlimactic if the police just arrived and they're all escorted.

Anyways just realized i talked a lot here and i should've probably cut it up at the end of last chapter ooopsss. See you next post ;P

next part

[overcookedsushi]

Captain Collateral The one that almost got away... 8 fucking times.

I have talked about this character before, if you scroll down in this very blog you will see where I talk about killing your darlings... To bad I can't take my own advice~

This character design has been a fucking brainworm of my for three years now... It always eluded me, but I could never forget it. I tried so hard to make it work, spawning and branching off into something else whenever I felt I couldn't do it, but the pull always brought me back like some sickly disease. This time though... its different.

Yes this is a shitpost, but it is still the root of the inspiration. When I saw this, it gave me some ideas for something else entirely. But when my partner suggested how dumb it would be as a head, the idea formed and there was no stopping it.

There were a couple drafts, most uninteresting failures. This was the last one before I scrapped it all and made major changes, cutting the strings holding me back.

Biggest changes: 1. Instead of a lowrider knock off Ghost rider, it was switched out for a dirtbike. A bit easier to draw, plus it was so much easier to find poses for a bike people typically stunt with. 2. The head was reconnected to the body. There was no need to have both a Nuckelavee and a Dullahan in the same design anymore with Weed wacker taking the latter. 3. The removal of his chararcteristics and personally being "reckless on purpose". For a while the design was supposed to be an adrenaline junky, but when it was changed to "reckless as a byproduct", other elements started to stick a bit better.

He turned from a hapless accident sideshow to the very definition of survivor's guilt. The body was roughed up to try and show that he was not in the best state of being. It was starting to come together fairly well~

Last major changes were trying to remove to many points of focus, getting rid of the fire, some unnecessary details, changing the goo from green to yellowish orange (since apparently Plutonium glows orange), also my best attempt at weld lines to try and show damage. In hinesight I probably could have done this better, but oh well.

And believe it or not... "Oh well" is kind of important. The freakshow was first created to give me a challenge, to push me to get better while also giving me cool OCs to draw. Part of getting better is recognizing when you need to stop. Recognizing that until you learn some foundational work, nothing is going to change. To get the captain collateral that is truly in my head, I need to keep improving. I need to do some studies. Mecha studies, vehicle studies, non-organic studies. He will continue to be my white whale, but now I have a tracker on him. Eventually I will conquer him fully, but until then I am happy with out it turned out, and that I can finally close this book. And that I won't have to look back for a few years~

#character design#original character#artists on tumblr#clown art#freakshow#wendigo#king in yellow#Retcon King

[mirtifero]

OC TIME!!! (almost forgot a tw: abuse , suicide mention and drug addictions)

Added a read more because this is huge sorry

K so dude fucking hell I hate drawing Henry. Litrally how the FUCK can I even draw him??? "Ethereal beauty" i write on the story, having no clue how tf I can draw that. He's like... a blond twink, Dorian Gray like. What am I supposed to do here.

In case u dont know Henry: he's an usamerican that is currently studying aboard in Brazil (where the story is at) and he's a perfect person. He's innocent, kind, smart, strong, pretty... he's everythjng. Thing is, he's actually a piece of shit (woah!). Since hw was a child, he used his appearance to deceive peopl3 to get things. He'd hurt other children and start crying because the blame would be passed to them. He was always praised as some sort of angel and so, some sort of angel he is.

The story is by the end of the third year of high school (senior year), and about the insecurities of Hector blah blah I won't go into detail rn. Henry is not really a villain of the story... but he is not one of the good guys either... hes p evil lol. "What does he do?" in the story, he basically is there for money, bc he knows that the school he's in is from a poor location and full of, guess what, possible drug addicts. He goes for all the 3 protagonists (ok theres only 1 protg but these 2 r also v important).

Hector he kinda fails to get to him but he does convince him for a good time that he was inhumane and that he simply shouldn't exist, so he should just deal with it and hide it otherwise everyone would hate him. But Henry wouldn't, he'd keep his "dirty secret of being unnatural". He fails to get to the bit he actually sells him drugs lol bc Hector sees what hes doing bc one of his victims was his friend. Both of them actually. (Explained this one kinda badly byt its because he mostly failed lol Hector already thought this abt himself before Henry even met him)

Marcos is more simple, I think. Henry just threats to out him. Not directly, it's more complicated. Marcos is this very "heterotop" kind of guy, he's a fucking himbo. He's stupid, no one likes him, he already was a cigarette addict before he met Henry, he's basically pathetic. The only person who just... tolerated him, was Hector. He puts this strong and though persona just because he thinks he'll have more friends with it, but he's a very emotional guy. Okay back to Henry, Marcos fell in love with him, because *woah!* he's gay(!). He secretly confesses to him and is very visibly terrified of anyone else knowing. Henry sees him and goes "oh well easy money". So besides just pretty much "kindly" demanding constant cash or gifts (most of which Marcos can't even afford), he basically makes Marcos believe he, well, does't deserve that love, and is a disgusting human being for thinking anyone could ever love him. He basically offers "free" drugs to Marcos. "Free" because he asks for absurd amounts of payment later. As Marcos is Hector's... only friend for a good time, and even if Hector is bad at emotions(tm), he DOES realize something is fucked up and that's why he doesn't fall for Henry's shenanigans.

Okay! Last one is more simple because she's a newer character, her name is Sofia! Sofia is more insecure about........ well, to simply put, being a woman. She feels like she could never be a woman in the way she is, and that she is too "bland" and "unemotional" for all of that. She is very pressured by her family to be perfect, and a kind emotional good lady who can play violin and be amazing. She feels odd and all of that adds to the fact that she is of very strong asian ancestry, which makes her feel like she "stands out too much" around everyone else. She's, differently from Hector, incredibly suicidal too. There' a lot of parallels between her and Hector, (that lead to moments like "I'm nothing like you" etc) but that's not relevant rn. Thing s basically that Henry made her persue a relationship with Hector, because that woud "fix" her, knowing very damn well it wouldn't work and it'd make the situation worse. When it doesn't work he just makes her believe that, well, then, she really is useless and deserving of nothing. He basically puts a little teather of pity and offers her his products but she, although very sensible and unable to barely talk, she sees though Henry's plans, pushes him to the floor nd runs away. She disappears from school for some time, but she's okay.

Okay then -- what about it? What happens to Henry when these people realize what he did to them and many other people who just were unable to get him punished for his actions?

They fucking steal his money lol. They steal EVERYTHING they can get. Henry freaks out and gets really aggressive and irrational, ends up ruining his entire reputation from freaking out like that, call of of them slurs nd well... yeah, everything is ruined for him. His reputation and his money were everything he had, and they stole it.

That's not the main plot but AAAA I LOVE IT SOOO MUCH. Itz real fun to think abt and I spent hours writing this mess here. I love Henry, he's the worst human being ever, and I find that amszjng. It's probably kinda hard to understad why he's one of my favorite ocs because of me sucking at describing things (I'm better at just. Writing than telling akjaks) but yeah!!! Hope someone read this lol.

Edit: FORGOT TO MENTION!! Yeah, his themes are very obvious. It's probably very easy to tell what I was going for here, what I was angry about when I made this, but I still love it a lot, because it envolves a lot of things :3

[doodlboy]

Y'all ever get in a mood where somebody's like "Stay positive!!😊😊😊 Don't be sad!!😘😘Self care!!!💅💅💅" and you want to throw them out a window?

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hello Dani.

I wish I were here with some cute Malec fan arts to show you instead of what I'm about to say. But I'm not. I guess I just need to talk to someone. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you. You don't have to answer me. I guess the fact that I was comfortable enough to tell you these helps me enough. To at least know that I'm no longer the only person who knows these anymore. To know that it isn't a secret I have to bare alone. Cause I'm fucking tired of it.

Ok, here's the thing. Here, in my country, students attend a national exam at the end of elementary school. Just before entering middle school, at 11. The results of this test show whether you can enter some special schools that are built to guide and educate the students who got accepted. The students society thinks are smarter than the others. As far as I can remember, I knew I should take that test and get accepted. When I was a child my mother told me about a long time ago, when she and my father were at high school. My father had wanted to become a doctor at the time. He'd tried and studied hard and eventually gotten accepted at the medicine school. But back then, it had been very important for the students studying important majors at university- like medicine- to have a good social image and other people's opinion about them mattered a lot. And at that time, my father's family had had some kind of quarrels and fights going on with some neighbor families, and thus when those people were asked about my father personality, they've talked shit about him and he got rejected. He had to become a teacher instead. I was just a child back then, but even as a child, I could see how my father always yearned for what he'd lost. The way he talked about how good of a job it is, how doctors can help people a lot, and how if I'm smart and hardworking enough, I can become a doctor one day. Long story short, from a very young age, every one told me that I was intelligent and should become a doctor. It would make my family and my family name proud and I knew it. So I tried, I studied and I got accepted at that special schools at 11( cause it has always been part of the path I was shown ). I not only got accepted, but also got the best marks at the test in the town. That day was the only day I remember my father looked very proud of me. I always did good at the exams, but there was always something lacking for them, like, although I become a top student, I didn't become the best, or although I became the best, some of my marks still could be better. So there was always some criticism waiting for me, no matter what result I gained. The only time that there wasn't any, was that one time that I got accepted in those special schools at 11. That day I only saw appreciation. After that, I always kept trying but I guess I was never hardworking enough. My parents used to say it was because I couldn't put my complete focus on studying. Because I used to draw, and play soccer, and also attend English classes. I loved all of those activities, but I dropped all of them when I entered highschool. Because everyone said they were distracting me from my purpose that was becoming a doctor. That I needed to study biology and math and not waste my time with arts and sports. So I did it. And I was ok with it, or at least I thought I was. Untill I wasn't anymore. Until suddenly this pandemic started one year and a half ago, and I no longer could go to school. And I started struggling to keep up with my lessons and studying. I understood that I didn't enjoy it, it had become like a chore. I didn't understand how much my friends, my teachers and my school meant to me and how much it affected my willingness to studying till I lost it. And it took me even longer to find out the reason I needed them so much. And I hate that reason. I totally hate it. But it was true. I needed school because they gave me the appreciation and approval I always yearned for. I found out that one of the reasons I studied well was that I liked everyone appreciating me. I like the looked of awe in their eyes when I solved math problems or when I answered a biology question no one knew of. And I no longer had those. I was all alone with my family, since school were closed. And I knew- I know- my family loves me, but their tactics for helping someone or something get better has always been criticizing the wrong things, instead of praising the good parts. And it helped, or it used to do, at least. But just as long as I got the praise and approval I needed from the others. But I didn't

get them anymore cause I was all alone with my family now. I just had them. And the criticism become harder and unbearable. Studying was like a burden, a chore. And it didn't help that with the whole staying home situation, I had more time to think and I realized how long it had been since last time I drew anything. Or played soccer. Or read my favorite novels. I realized I never once stopped to think about what I wanted to do. My life path had always been described for me. I'd always known what I was supposed to do, or what I was supposed to be. But I was no longer sure if it was what I wanted. And I was confused and lost and absolutely terrified. I didn't know what to do. Whether to continue my path, or change it. I tried to speak to my parents. But they didn't get it. They didn't get why I was suddenly hesitating and told me I was just ruining all those years of trying, for nothing. So I stopped talking about it. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't help feeling like I've always lived for others. Like, why the hell should I need my teachers and classmates appreciating and praising me? Why should not having that anymore make studying boring for me?? Why did I never thought about my future as a choice, not something that was always set to happen?! I was angry at myself but most of all, I was lost, I didn't know what the hell to do. And no one could understand me, so when my parents asked me how I was preparing myself for the national exam of universities acceptance, I lied. I lied and told them I was doing ok, while I totally wasn't. I couldn't tell them, I didn't want them to blame me, cause I blamed myself enough. I hoped it will get better by the time. But it didn't. Everyone thinks I'm a fucking Christopher Lightwood, while honestly, I'm more a Alastair Carstairs.

And now, here am I, not knowing what the hell to do. The exam for universities acceptance is in less than a month and a half. I know I still have time, but I no longer know what I want to do. And I no longer believe in my abilities. I think my parents were right, I think I just wasted my time hesitating and questioning myself. Maybe becoming a doctor doesn't make me happy, but isn't it worth it?? That at least it is what my father wanted for me all along? That I can at least make my family happy and proud?? Cause I don't know what makes me happy. And now, it's too late to think about it and find out. Cause I'm scared to find out. I'm scared that I make my family disappointed, like I made myself disappointed. I'm afraid it's too late and no matter what I do, I'm gonna make them disappointed. That while everyone thinks I'm gonna get accepted at the best medicine school, I won't get accepted at all. I wasted so much time questioning everything. If only I continued my path, at least my family would be happy. But now, I'm terrified that I make them disappointed and remain unhappy myself. Cause even if I was living a lie, even if I one day got up and see I didn't like my life, at least I still had a life. A life in which nobody had expectations from me any longer. And even if I didn't like my life, I was at least alone to do whatever I want with it. But at the moment, I just want to become a doctor, and pay off what I've always felt I owe my family. My father. That was the only thing he ever wanted from me. ( And it pays handsomely, sure. It's just, I was never sure if I enjoy doing it, not just its payment.)

But I'm now terrified that I've ruined my chance for even having this. I think I should've never questioned my life. It didn't help that I found out I wasn't happy. I can't help but think I fucked everything up. I always tried to be open to changes. To be brave, just like Alec was. But how can I do that when I don't know what I want? How can I even choose another job when I was practically raised to become a doctor since forever? How can I change my path when I sacrificed lots of things that I loved for it?? All those soccer games I didn't attend, all those drawings I didn't draw, just to have time to study! How can I do it?? And what if my family was always right, that becoming a doctor is best for me? What if I've had fucked up my chance of becoming a doctor even??

And more than anything, I'm tired of keeping all that a secret. I feel guilty as hell whenever I see my parents cause I lied to them, and it's making it all hard to breathe. I'm really really tired. I'm lost. What am I supposed to do? What should I do???

Hello, darling.

Thank you for trusting me with this. I'm glad you wanted to talk to someone. Whatever you feel, it's out now. You no longer have to worry this is a secret. I hope that helps you a little. I hope it lightens the burden you carry on your shoulder.

As always, I cannot tell you what to do. It's your life - something I do remind yourself more often. It helps. I promise.

But I can tell you what I think.

1. I think you are very smart. Like VERY smart. So, if you are worried about changing your academic course or career path, I would say you have nothing to worry about. If you can study biology, trust me, you can find your way through any other subject. It's nothing to be afraid of. Every subject is hard. But you seem like a relentless little fighter to me. So, you will figure it out.

2. I think the reason your father wants you to be a doctor is because he still feels the pain of not achieving his dream. If he doesn't enjoy teaching, then he knows what it's like to live a life of regret. Your father wants to spare you from that. But irony is cruel. Because that very effort has pushed you into the same path. I think someone *cough* you *cough* needs to remind your father that even if you become a doctor, you will not be happy. And while your parents might not be able to see it clearly as you do, it's what they want too. Success doesn't necessarily mean happiness. So, maybe you should tell your father that. Tell him that even if you become a doctor, it wouldn't make you happy. So, despite all their prayers and efforts, your parents would still fail. Because you would be living a similar life as your father had to.

3. One and a half month sounds like a very short time. But here is the thing. I feel like if you put your mind to it, you can get through this exam. But what about your heart? Where does it want to be? What does it want to do? For me, it doesn't sound like a problem of "can I do this?". Yes, you can. It's more a question of, "do I want to do this?". I don't know the answer to that. You are smart. Figure it out.

4. The best advice I've gotten in life is this "do what makes you happy." I know that many don't have the luxury of following that advice in every possible way. But you have the chance. do it. If something or someone is bringing you unhappiness, you should have the liberty to say "no fuck off." It takes a lot of courage to look at something and say 'no'. We haven't been taught to say that enough. Learn to say 'no'. If you take away anything from this response, it should be that.

5. You don't owe anyone anything. Just so you know. Not your family. Your parents. Not your school. No one. Nothing. But you owe it to yourself to be happy.

6. I have met many people like your father - and perhaps yourself - who have told me that "I couldn't follow my dreams. But when I have a child one day, I will do everything in my power to make sure they get to achieve their dream". It's truly a beautiful sentiment. But all I can think is...If it's possible for us to fight for an unborn child of ours, then why can't be fight for ourselves. If we are willing to fight in the future, then why not now?

I know you want your parents to be happy. I know you don't want to let them down. I know a lot of us think that way. So I ask - Why can't we show the kindness we are willing to show the ones we love to ourselves?

7. I don't know what you are going to do either, my love. But I know you will survive. So, even if these words get washed away and even if the confidence you feel is momentary and even if you end up taking the exam and do biology, I hope you remember that it is never, ever, ever too late to choose yourself. To follow your dreams. To stand up and say no.

8. You told me you are more like Alastair. So, I'll leave you with this.

"If you choose that for yourself, it is your choice, but you cannot choose for me”

All my love,

Dani x.

[angsty-nerd]

RNM 2X13 - Echo Download

I've been having a hard time trying to put my feelings about the Season 2 finale into words, so I've been sitting on it for a few days, reading everyone's metas, and trying to organize and separate my actual thinky thoughts from the angst and heartache. That… is not something I am particularly good at. But I'm trying.

I LOVE this show. The writing is a mess. There's plot holes all over the place. The pacing issues alone make me want to tear my hair out. And dear God do I want them to give these characters and relationships (including friendships) the time and space for the big moments to land properly. I don't know if we'll ever get any of that though. And in the meantime, I love these characters and the story, messes and all.

Everyone knows my biggest love is Echo, so I'm gonna start there.

"I don't know what you thought love was gonna be like when we were 17, but it's not all sunsets and horseback rides."

Back in the OG days, there was one consistent criticism I had with the way they wrote Max and Liz's story: the breakups always felt like bullshit. Max breaks up with Liz because she was afraid of some weird alien shit. Liz breaks up with Max because he's "supposed to be with Tess" and meanwhile he's like, "um… no?" We had "it's too dangerous" when it was dangerous regardless. "We're just different" but not in ways that actually mattered.

Echo's breakup mattered. There were issues and they were not dealing with them. Both of them were sneaking around behind the other's back. Neither was being fully honest with the other.

The unwavering honesty was something that stood out to me in S1. Yes, Max was hiding the truth about Rosa's death. But when it came to the present they were almost laughably open with each other. Liz didn't lie about it when Max asked if she told Kyle the truth. When Max asked what she was doing in the lab, she told him the truth. Once Liz knew the truth about Rosa, she knew everything. It seemed like with that truth out there was nothing left to hide. And once they got together they were a team. Immediately. There's a reason that we had a joking headcanon in the Echo world that they had their first kiss and then they were a married couple.

I really think Max's death not only put that to a screeching halt...it also put them on this path to the breakup. Liz has abandonment issues, and Max made a choice, without her, that resulted in him leaving her alone. It wasn't openly discussed in the depth that it should have been this season, but I really do think it was issue #1. Liz loves Max and she was very happy being with him...but after he came back from the dead she didn't trust him to not leave her again. It was an issue simmering under the surface from Episode 7 until the finale. Liz channeled it all into worrying about his heart, but the underlying theme was a resounding "I can't go through that again". Which is deeper than just the worry over a physical health problem. And it pushed Max away from her.

He grew irritable with her. He started hiding things from her and lying to her. The season just ended and I have no idea if he ever told her anything about his memory flashes! He was obsessively trying to learn about his past and never once discussed it with Liz!?? Because he didn't want her to stop him from using the serum? This is a HUGELY personal thing to Max and you can see how much it means to him. He had tears in his eyes while telling Isobel about it. I mean, that puppy dog excitement, and yet, he hides it all whenever Liz is around.

I think it was around episode 8 that we started talking about how badly they needed to have a big fight. Us -- the Echo shippers -- the ones who WANT them to be together -- were BEGGING them to fight. I hate conflict!! But the lack of honestly and the aversions were just building and building and I just wanted it all out on the table.

They finally STARTED having that fight in episode 11, but then Rosa and Isobel interrupted. In retrospect, sweet alien!Jesus, I wish they could have finished then. Maybe they would have gotten the air clear between them. Maybe it would have put them on a path to healing their relationship before the finale. But they didn't, so the breakup happened. And the thing is… that ending. It just kind of haunts me. Liz waiting and hoping for a grand gesture that never comes. I mean, did Max even know WHEN she was leaving!?! He sure didn't seem to have it on his mind when they flashed to him in that scene. And their fight...was all about what Liz was doing and Max not taking care of his heart. They never once touched on what he was trying to learn about his past. I'm pretty certain that Liz left without knowing any of that.

And the thing is… I'm sort of skirting around the meat of the issue here. Because the biggest problem of all of this was Liz violating Max by studying his biology without consent.

I really hate saying that in writing, because, to me, it's kind of the most horrible part of all of this.

Max Evans has been referred to in jest in this fandom as the King of Consent. He was so careful with Liz, tiptoeing around her looking for explicit consent in Season 1 until her desire for him was made abundantly clear. He only ignored the need for consent twice: both times in the S1 finale. Healing Michael's hand and healing Rosa. But those things both happened after he killed Noah. After he was high on his own power. They were very clearly set up as out of character for him.

Liz didn't give him the same respect. Consent does not just apply to sexual situations and healing. It applies to studying too. It applies to Liz USING Max's biology without his permission. It also applies to administering the cure to Steph without her consent. Liz was very, very wrong here.

And the thing is… it sure didn't seem like the writers saw it that way. It also didn't seem like JEANINE saw it that way. There's been a little bit more balanced quotes from them in interviews this week since the finale ended as far as saying that both Max and Liz were wrong, but they sure focused on Liz being incredible and strong before the finale aired.

The part that confuses me though...like, a LOT, is that the narrative was pretty clear that what Liz was doing was Bad and Wrong. She looked guilty. She was lying and hiding things from Max. And the MORAL COMPASS OF THE SHOW, Mr. Kyle Valenti, repeatedly told her she was wrong. Kyle called her out on her ethical violations even as he was thanking her for saving Steph.

Genoryx was set up as being bad. Liz herself refused to go work for them in the flashbacks because they were morally sketchy. Although, maybe that's the draw now that she is all full of ethical violations. Sigh.

I'm gonna leave this topic now, but I'll encourage you to go read @latessitrice's meta on the subject here:

Okay...so to sum this up? The breakup was coming. We knew it was coming. But it still hurt my heart so much. I haven't seen anyone gif Jeanine's performance of the "I am in love with you. And I hate that right now." But the delivery of that line broke me.

That being said...do I see it being over? Let's give that a resounding FUCK, NO. I mean, sure, they fought. And it hurt. And Liz ran away. Without saying goodbye. And all of that SHATTERED ME.

But...they still love each other even if they both have a lot to work on individually. That’s part of what MADE it so hard.

I am actually stoked for season 3. Two Maxes? All of the delicious angst once Liz gets home. Liz not knowing there's two Maxes and meeting Jones first and not knowing who he is and being vulnerable to his mindfuckery? Or just his fuckery in general. Whatever. I am here for it.

I am here for Liz discovering that something about Genoryx is Not Right. I'm here for her living a normal life and getting drawn back into the madness. I'm here for Max getting more powerful and more alieny under Jones's guidance. And I am here for what I am certain will be an epic reunion once they are back together again.

As a last more positive comment...I’m stoked that we get to have both Max and Liz alive and facing interesting potential storylines this hiatus. All I wanted from this finale, in truth, was to leave the characters in a place that inspired me to want to write for them for the next year plus or however long this COVID-extended hiatus ends up being. And I am so excited for that.

And I have talked enough now that I will go ahead and post this and leave this post as my Echo Takeaways from the finale. I'll be back again with some more gen/bigger picture thoughts later.

[neo-frill]

Rating the walls of a room in my school just because I can:

This place is something like a Study room, it has books and magazines and a lot of tables and chairs and games like chess, 3D tic tac toe, a grid and some bottle caps for normal tic tac toe and a computer. It seems kind of cool to me, it doesn't have a certain aesthetic or like a color scheme, it's just really colorful. Even though the furniture isn't any set or something, it all kinda fits together imo, but I'm not good with this stuff, so maybe it doesn't.

As for the location, it's on the first floor, near the classrooms mainly used for languages (we have cool ones to pick from too, at least for me; all of us speak Czech cause we're Czech, we've got English as the second language and choose a third one after some time, the third one can be French, Spanish, German or Russian, but only two open) and the rooms where the teachers stay when they're free, have consultations with the student etc. (We call them 'kabinety' which sounds like it translates to cabinets but a cabinet is a piece of furniture so idrk what to call them).

First of all, here's kind of a blueprint or whatever, made by me:

The sizes of most stuff is probably incorrect because a) my memory is shit and b) even if I stood there while drawing this, I can't do the stuff where you take something and draw it smaller or bigger but with the same distances and stuff if that makes sense. It's not like a map so up isn't necessarily North (though it could be, I don't have a clue). This is mostly to show where each wall is and how close/far from the main entrance it is and stuff. Let's got then, starting with

Wall 1

Wall one is the worst of them. I know it looks really cool but before you get angry, listen to me. It is cool. That stuff on it are some quotes and poems and stuff, written on papers which are stuck to it (idk if it's glue or if they put it on there when the paint was drying, I literally have no idea). But most of the quotes are a load of crap. Some sound like they're from r/im14andthisisdeep (shit is it spelled 14 or fourteen in it? anyways you get the point), some are just.. dumb. They include "A mask, the only part of their face that people choose." and "What Johnny won't learn, neither will John." (Loosely translated, Johnny being meant as kind of a nickname which you usually call kids and stuff.), "There is only one truth, which is why not everyone can be right." (This one makes more sense in Czech but still kinda bullshit tbh), "A long shadow doesn't necessarily mean greatness." (Also makes more sense in Czech, greatness sometimes having the same word as largeness or whatever). Some are pretty cool, but most are trash. Example of the ones I find cool is: "Dictators ride tigers, scared to come down from their backs. And the tigers are getting hungry." I'm not really sure about what the last part is supposed to mean, if it's that the tigers will eat the dictators or?? but it's a great quote anyways. One of the ones I hate is "Laziness is the key to poverty." or some shit like that. They're mostly by dead Czech (or Czechoslovakian) politicians (noticed at least two ex presidents) or poets. But there was one by a guy who was probably a philosopher, idk, definitely wasn't Czech and to me his name sounded Greek but I don't really know and don't even remember the name of the man, the quote was something about not having friends. Cool design, probably made by students but I don't like most of the stuff that's written there, 6/10.

Wall 2

This is wall 2. I love wall 2. It has really pretty colors and there's bubbles. Radiates good vibes. Very nice. I don't know how to describe it, it's just beautiful and I don't know what more to say. 10/10.

Wall 3*

Wall 3 looks kind of ominous. Not in a bad way (is there even such a thing?) It has mystery/thriller novel vibes. The feet aren't painted, they had to color someone's feet and somehow get their footsteps up to the half of the wall and I think a) that's very cool, b) it would be fun to participate in/watch and c) it's very creative. The color of the floor is my favorite color. I like how the stripes on the "walls" of the hallway are probably supposed to be just striped that are painted on these "walls" but also look kinda 3D until you look at how they connect to the "ceiling." I am also in love with the "lights" and the way they reflect on the "floor." It kind of doesn't match the vibe of the room and looks less colorful somehow even tho there's a lot of colors, but it's neat. 9.5/10

Wall 4*

Wall 4 is my personal favorite, even though it's the smallest. It's very lively, has pretty colors and shapes that look really really cool to me, idk how else to describe it. I just love it a lot. 11/10, would stare at for hours.

[END, that's all of the walls]

*I'm sorry, I didn't realize how bad the photos of Wall 3 and (especially) Wall 4 are. Wall 3 is kinda cut off at the top. Wall 4 is cut off even more and it's blurry. I'll provide better pictures later, if I'm able to.

If anyone actually read this thank you, but why the fuck did you do that? You just wasted your time watching a teenage girl rate her school's walls. Anyways, I appreciate it a lot, because I put a lot of effort into this post (probably way too much). It was fun to do tho. Maybe I'll rate some other random stuff later? Maybe I'll update the ratings of the walls? Who knows.

**just realized that Walls 3 and 4 aren't actually cut off, it just looked that way. Anyways, Wall 4 is still kinda blurry, sorry about that.

[thelucyverse]

Part 1, part 2

Tw: violence

The old Order headquarters being in Time Cottage, Tinworth, is from 'Pride of Time' by AnubisAnkh, one of the best HP fanfics I've read this year (and I probably took so long to notice it because it has a ship I don't usually ship, but then again the same can be said for this fanfic here...); Tinworth itself is a HP canon magical settlement I think

Back in Europe, I get ready to make new experiments while I also wait for all of Tom Riddle's horcruxes to be killed by the Order (I can't bear to call him the Dark Lord in my head, and I am afraid to think of him as Voldemort, afraid of what it would do should I accidentally say it out loud one day).

In September of 1981, my research and soul-magic training is coming to a close, and I believe that I will have more time than I could possibly need with how slow the hunt for further Horcruxes is going, so when Bellatrix asks me to attend the annual Malfoy Yule Ball with her- "And not just to show our faces for half a minute, either, I want to /dance/!"- I readily accept. She smiles brightly- my positive influence seems to work, she thawed immensely from when I arrived back in England to now- and we kiss. It has been a long time that we have kissed in private, just kissed.

It is on this very Yule ball that my careful plans of only moving on to fixing the souls of his followers when Riddle is most vulnerable are wrecked and my hand is forced: my positive influence on Bella really is already working and more so than expected. I only get a moment of warning when her aura shifts- her soul wants to reconnect- and she goes down with a pained cry I stifle with a muffliato.

It had to happen at Malfoy Manor, the one place it shouldn't, always filled by Deatheaters and high society that even frequented by Voldemort... I am lucky to get Bella into a private room- Lucius' study- with minimal attention, only Narcissa noticed and actually helps, afraid for her sister, understanding that something is wrong.

Inside, Bella collapses, I don't even manage to get her into the armchair, she just falls to the floor, clinging to me desperately, afraid for her life. My ears are ringing with fear- this isn't how it was supposed to go, I'm not prepared, I don't know how to help her- Bellatrix whispers something, and for a moment I think I didn't understand her right. "Love you." she coughs out. "Didn't say it before, but-" "You're not going to die." I hiss. "Bella, you're not going to die, and we are going to fucking /talk/ when this is all over." she laughs even when her eyes roll back in her head in pain. "You don't have to say it back if you don't-" I take the chain with the promise ring on my neck and press it to her skin. "That's not what I'm saying at all. You-"

"What are you doing?!" Narcissa must have seen me pressing the metal to her sister's neck and come to the wrong conclusion. She's pointing her wand at me, but I don't even bother to disarm her, instead dangling the chain with the ring in her face. "Nothing but reminding her to live!"

With a shaky breath, Narcissa lowers her wand. I hadn't expected her to trust me so quickly, but maybe she's just that rattled. "Then what?? What happened? Has she been poisoned? Do I need to get Severus? Do I-" "No." I say. "We need to-"

Before I can finish the sentence, Lucius enters, and I stupefy him without waiting for him to talk. I like Narcissa well enough, but I can't stand her husband, and I won't be taking any chances now. Open-mouthed, Narcissa quickly closes the door, pushing Lucius' foot out of the way- I'm glad, thinking that she doesn't much seem to care for him- when she bends down, checking for his pulse, making sure he is alright with a kind of urgency... I squint- and notice a dark connection between them literally binding her to him. Not soul-magic, but she probably can't kill or actively oppose him without being in terrible pain. A kind of vow? A problem for later.

"Narcissa?" I speak up. "/You/ need to do a round of the party now so as not to draw suspicion. Lucius will be unharmed when you return." still unconscious, though, hopefully, I think while I tie the man up for good measure. Narcissa nods shakily, gets her appearance in order and disappears.

Once I am alone with her, I set to work getting Bella's soul reconnected to itself. Like in delirium, I weave healing spells over healing spells while whispering sweet nothings in her ear, hoping she will hear it, hoping she will be herself again when it is all over... Bella screams, and I put up a new muffliato, cursing myself for not thinking about it earlier and hoping that no-one has heard or thought anything of it. Lucius wakes and I stun him again before he can say anything. Then I focus on Bellatrix, lighting up the essence of a soul with a spell Melodenia taught me so I can see what is going on- and I gasp. It's like her soul is stretched thinly between herself and the horcrux, wherever it is. Without the preparative spells, her soul is yanking at it in uncontrolled bursts, getting more of her soul back but also stretching the connecting piece way too thinly... Biting the inside of my cheek, I focus on her soul and dive into the world of soul magic.

There is so much pain. I wonder how Bella hasn't given up on life yet if this is what she is feeling right now. Distantly, I feel tears in my eyes while I let my magic move further along her soul strand, towards the Horcrux, a burning piece of dark magic- I really hope the Dark Lord isn't keeping this anywhere near him, there is no way he won't feel what I am about to do otherwise. And there is no way I will delay this to find out.

With a black-hot shock wave, the Horcrux explodes from the inside out.

Screaming, I fall back, my magic lashing out as I try to get rid of that tainted spell it touched. Now, I’m glad I only did this for her and didn’t try to cut all deatheaters lose at once, even better prepared that would have been a nightmare. I don’t blame Melodenia for not telling me that, though- there’s no way she could have known, she never tried to split her soul in two before, after all.

Drawing in ragged breaths, I sit up, my hand fluttering over Bella’s still form at its own volition. Why isn’t she waking? Her body is unharmed, and her soul is there, I can feel it- oh. Now that I am really looking, I notice that there are still streaks of magic, of curses in someone else’s magical signature surrounding her. I hadn’t noticed it before due to the nature of the Horcrux connection, but now it is obvious: her Dark Mark, connected directly to the Dark Lord. Either Riddle noticed, or there is a failsave, because now that the Horcrux is gone, something is happening- and I can’t stop it. I /could/, but with how weak I am now, the curse would just burn through me should I lift it. While I truly love Bellatrix, I am not ready to die in her stead. I have to think quickly-

In that moment, Narcissa returns, and I am reminded of the connection she has to that evil husband of hers, who is still in the room... “Please tell me you do not actually care for Lucius Malfoy.” Narcissa opens her mouth to speak, but chokes on her own words. I nod. As I thought. With quick, slashing spells I end the Vow or whatever it was that kept her bound to him. She collapses as if her strings are cut, but I don’t take the time to make sure she is alright- instead turning to Lucius: “Imperio.”

Through Lucius’ eyes, the magic looks different, as if he can’t quite tell what is good and what is bad. Maybe good and bad are just defined entirely differently to him. With my theoretical knowledge, I still find the curse again- and when I force Lucius to ignore the pain, the burning, I keep looking and find more than just that. An entire network of curses, leading from Deatheater to Deatheater to Voldemort. Not all of them are connected, at least not equally so, there seems to be a second network only slightly touching the first, but still- I can take down many Death Eaters in one go with this. I just have to make sure I don’t kill Bellatrix in the process. 

The connection of the Marks is a literal maze. Getting Bella free is still my priority, and as soon as I identify hers, I start to first push back the magic that is seeping into her, and, when I hear her gasp as she comes awake, one by one destroy the connections she has to the others. 

Bellatrix is free. I only take a moment to blink from my Imperius-Lucius-view to make sure she is alright- Narcissa is with her, of course, the other woman had never taken the Mark so she should be fine now- before diving back into the Maze of Dark Marks, getting right in the middle of it and destroying the curse from the inside out. Lucius screams despite the Imperius curse when the Dark Lord’s magic is burning his hands before his own Dark Mark explodes, taking his entire arm with him- he doesn’t have to live that way for long as the magic seeping through the maze tears him apart. Throwing up a shield, I banish his body and all magic it carries to go Merlin-knows-where.

The Dark Marks are gone. the Horcruxes remain. Can I get them the same way I got the Marks? 

Leaning down briefly to kiss Bella’s forehead and stroke her cheek, I stumble to the door, opening it a fraction to look out. The party is in disarray, many have felt the change in the Mark. I see Nott and Avery stumbling against each other a few metres away- easy targets, them. I imperio Avery first, and then I have /him/ imperio Nott- now Nott is the only one who can still use his magic for anything but holding up the imperius curse. Didn’t I already mention that this curse is stupid? But in this case, it would help me. letting Avery and Nott walk into the middle of the room, I then let Nott walk further, waiting for- ah! Sabina, a woman I am quite certain is an illegitimate half-blood instead of the pure blood she claims, and definitely affected by a Horcrux. Nott- or rather his body, lead by Avery’s curse and my command- walks into her, touches her arm as if to steady her- and then his magic is reaching into her soul. Feeling along the link towards the Horcruxes. Yes, there are more soul-pieces closeby, I can reach them- I don’t know whether this means that the Horcruxes are physically close together or just that they have been forged by the same hand, souls work in funny ways sometimes, after all. I don’t much care either way, just commanding Avery to command Nott to destroy them all- and then break the connection of the imperius while Avery passes on the command. 

If the way Sabina stumbles while Nott screams and burns and Avery falls to his knees is any indication, it must have worked.

I hurry back into the study, to Narcissa and Bellatrix. "Are you alright??" I ask, kneeling down next to Bella "Yes." she coughs out, but I can see the fear and confusion in her eyes. "Are you?" she adds. I just nod, pressing my forehead to hers, just breathing for a while. "What in the stars names /was/ that?" Narcissa's shout breaks our moment of peace. Huh. I didn't realise she could screech like that. And I don't think she knows /any/ real curse words. With a sigh, I get up, pulling Bellatrix to her feet, too.

"Your soul fixed itself" I tell Bella. "It- I had noticed a while ago that something was wrong with it, and suspected the Dark Lord might be behind it. I was still doing research, I nearly had it- and then today, it just started to fix itself, well, I helped it along a bit when I noticed that it had started. What I saw confirmed that it was Riddle by the way- the Dark Lord, I mean. I also broke the hold he had over you through the Dark Mark, oh, and Lucius' hold on Narcissa. Well, pretty sure he's dead now anyway." I sum up what had happened. Both stare at me, completely baffled. Feeling uneasy, I shift from one leg to the other. "So. Are you two ready to break with Voldemort and all his beliefs?"

Bellatrix is startled into a laugh. "I think we already did that quite thoroughly..." she snorts out.

Narcissa looks at her as if she has gone insane- then pales. "Draco! I have to- if someone notices-" Oh. I had completely forgotten about the kid. Not my proudest moment. "Uh, you hadn't left him with someone who's Marked, have you?" Now, both look at me like I'm insane. "You think anyone that high up would bother to play nursemaid??" Bellatrix asks. "Not even I would bother- no offense, sister." "None taken." Narcissa says curtly. "Now, I am going to get my son, and then- and then-" "I know where we can go" I say, feeling slightly sorry to force her out of her own home, but we really better move now- although really I should feel more sorry for the Order for having to put up with the three of us now. "If you are ready to leave not just the Dark Lord but blood supremacy in general behind, too, that is." Bella just shrugs. "'s long as you're there..." we smile at each other, and then I have to look away as I remember that I can't really promise that, that I have no idea how long I still have in this world. Shaking myself from these depressing thoughts, I swipe Tom Riddle's diary from Lucius' cabinet before leaving the room.

Narcissa goes to collect Draco from his nurse in the private chambers, and Bella and I disillusion each other, then lean against the corridor wall, hexing whoever comes past and doesn't look too friendly. Deatheaters, general scumbags, oh, Fenrir Greybag, that one I stun and disillusion, too. Might be a good present for the order, or something, showing that I don't want them to just pardon all former bad guys. It doesn't get to that, however, when one of the Carrows- Amycus? I honestly can't tell under the robes and the blood- realises where our jinxes are coming from and tries to fight back, sending a killing curse- well, moving Greyback in the way of that was self defense, really. And it's not like anyone's going to spill any tears over it. Carrow moves in for another blow- and is taken down from behind.

"Fuck, I've always wanted to do that."

A young man stands behind him, wand dangling from his hand, dark hair in disarray and a bloody nose. For a moment, he looks exactly like Sirius Black, but then I recall: this is Regulus! I didn't even know that he was still alive... His name had been on a lost of people I had planned to save, back in the very beginning when I arrived in this world. But then I didn't know when exactly it would happen to save him myself, and I had no information to prove his innocence or reform to the Order... Of course, the Order had found the locket earlier than him because of me. Did he go there, see it was gone and disappear again instead of drinking the poison? Or did he never try to leave the Deatheaters at all? The way he had just taken down one of Voldemorts' henchmen just because, in the current chaos, he had been able to, made me believe otherwise.

Disillusioning myself (and throwing up a shield at the same time, I'm not stupid), I stepped forward. "Regulus Black, is it not?" "Who wants to- oh, you're Bella's girl, aren't you?" my eye twitched at being called anyone's girl, but I ignored it for now. "Are you done being a pawn for the Dark Lord?" He blinked. Then actually laughed. "You know- yes. Why, are you leaving your wife behind? Wait, are you the reason for all this chaos?" "We are." Bella stepped forward too, and in the same moment, Narcissa came hurrying up behind us, baby Draco in her arms. Regulus stared at us for a moment, then started to laugh again. I see how he's related to Sirius. "You know- yes, whatever this is, I'm in."

I look at Narcissa. "Have you ever been to Tinworth?" If I apparate the four of us all the way there, I wouldn't have the power left to defend Bellatrix should it come to a conflict. Thankfully, everyone knows the village, Narcissa disapparating with Draco first, then Regulus, than me with Bellatrix although she insists that she is fine. We apparate to the east of the town, regroup and I apparate us to the closed off partage in front of the cottage that I had insisted on- it is not under the fidelius, so one can take others there, but it's protected by enough spells that new members can be read into the Secret without the possibility of anyone seeing and attacking. My past paranoia and overthinking comes in handy now. Letting the others stand behind me after telling them to watch each others backs and call for me should anyone show up, I move to open the door, knowing that I will disappear from their view as soon as I'm in the doorstep. I don't want to leave Bella alone, but this is the easiest way to prove that I am myself and not someone under polyjuice who doesn't know the Secret.

"Hello?" I call out. "Anybody home?"

Part 4