#Honestly the show didn't really give us how much Lena would be haunted by killing Lex

[thatonebirdwrites]

Pine

The needles crunched under Lena's shoes, her hands deep in the pockets of her red jacket. Around her, the pines stretched toward the cloudy sky and a dusting of snow coated the ground. Snow caught the world's noise like the sound-cancelling headphones Lena used when alone.

It's why she loved the first snow. The silence wrapped around her, and she disconnected from her reality.

Snow here in California felt strange, but hadn't everything been off-kilter since she woke in her penthouse, her brother suddenly alive again?

Her thoughts bounced between the new reality her brother had somehow crafted. One where he was a hero instead of a villain. One where he'd tripped over backward to manipulate her into working for him, but he'd forgotten one detail.

Sam.

She still worked in L-Corp's financials, and she was Lena's friend still. But it had been a friendship prior Lena kept from Lex for reasons that Earth-38 had yet to understand, considering how cryptic some entries became during the worldkiller crisis, and how a few had been in a code that Lena struggled to decode.

Lex didn't know how close prior Lena had been with Sam. Nor had he known Sam had been a worldkiller. Lena had hid from Lex to avoid Lex killing Sam too like he did the other worldkillers.

The place he'd lured Purity and Pestilence became an inhospitable, irradiated wasteland, but the nuclear bomb had obliterated those worldkillers. A massive clean-up effort had been under prior Lena's jurisdiction, along with research of the worldkillers' effects on the climate and how to stabilize it.

Her boots crunched on a twig, and Lena slowed her walk, reluctant to reach her destination.

The world saw Lex as the hero who saved them, but Lena knew the truth. Written in prior Lena's journals, Kara, prior Lena, Alex, J'onn, and Nia had all worked to save Sam and destroy the terraforming machine in totality. A fight that nearly cost them their lives.

Prior Lena hadn't hesitated in asking Supergirl for help, but then prior Lena knew Supergirl's true identity. She'd been trusted from the beginning by Kara.

Earth-38 Lena had tried to do it all alone, scared that whatever secret government group worked with Supergirl would kill Sam instead of save her. She had not been trusted from the beginning by Kara.

Prior Lena knew how to trust. She had faith in her friends. She hadn't been painfully betrayed again and again and again. Most of her sour experiences lay in arguments with Lex about use of military weapons and the buying of the DEO.

Oh, and apparently Andrea had betrayed her in this reality too.

So here Earth-38 Lena existed as an interloper. Someone who shouldn't exist in this reality. Prior Lena had been erased, and Earth-38 Lena walked under pine branches in prior Lena's shoes.

Bitter, distrustful, and wrapped in pain -- Sam had noticed immediately the difference, and no amount of hiding from her worked. She'd been relentless in showing up to check on Lena. To find out why Lena was in such grief and pain.

Lena hunched in her jacket as she approached the center of the park. She thought of Sam's talk last night, of how it'd gone off the rails rather quickly, and she'd ended up confessing everything.

She hadn't realized how badly she'd needed a sounding board.

"Sam, I don't know what to do. Work with Supergirl or my brother? It's not like I can trust either. Both have used me in the past." Lena pressed her hands against her forehead. "I've been just a tool..."

"No, you're not going there," Sam interrupted as she sprinkled more flour across the cutting board, where she worked her gluten-free dough with expert fingers. In the living room, the music from Ruby's game drifted into the kitchen. "I get that it feels that way, but from what you've said, Supergirl tried to fix things, right?"

Lena shrugged. She still wasn't sure if Kara's actions were guilt or truly her trying to engage in repair.

"And your brother somehow made this reality..." Sam shook her head. "Which is a little hard to believe, but..." She studied Lena for a long moment. "But you aren't yourself."

"Oh?" Lena sneered. "Then how am I supposed to act?" She hadn't meant to sound so defensive, but Sam's words hurt.

Sam sighed and waved her hand vaguely at Lena. "That right there isn't you. The Lena I know laughs more, believes in the goodness of humanity, works toward a more equitable world."

"Equitable world. That's what I'm trying to do!" Lena crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Sam.

"Is it?" Sam punched down into the dough with far more force than it warranted. "We used to go to activist events about the climate and alien rallies together. But the last few weeks, you've become a bitter recluse. And now this new project? This sudden turn from disaster relief and climate studies to mind control? Honestly, Lena, I don't know what to say."

"It's not mind control," Lena protested, but it was a weak protest. Exhaustion soaked her bones, and she wondered if Sam was right. "It's just an algorithm to prevent people from hurting one another. It'll be a more equitable and safer world."

Sam frowned. "Right. And how is that not a violation of free will?"

"Sam." Lena looked at her pained. "I'm trying to free humanity from suffering."

"Are you?" Sam's beating of the dough grew more pronounced, the flour dusting the marbled counter. "Lena, my suffering is what molded me into who I am today. Yes, it sucked at times, and some of them were my fault. But I learned and did better."

"But wouldn't things be better for Ruby if she didn't have to suffer like you did?" Lena knew it was a weak argument, but part of her felt so hollowed by Lex's actions, by this new reality, that her heart wasn't in fighting for this project. She'd become disillusioned since waking up in hell.

"Of course I don't want Ruby to suffer!" Sam flipped the dough and dug her knuckles into it before rolling it into a ball and repeating the gesture. "But I won't let anyone, even you Lena, take away from Ruby her ability to choose."

"It's not about--" Lena's words died at Sam's glare.

"Keep lying to yourself, hun." Sam wiped her hands on a hand towel that hung from the stove's handle. "Lena, I've always had your back, right?"

Lena wasn't sure exactly what Sam had done in this reality, but the prior Lena's journal entries -- since when did she write in a journal anyway? -- her, Sam, and Kara had met up often for drinks or board games.

So this Sam had no idea what Lena went through, nor what Kara had done. How the hurt between them soured everything. Her attempt to explain had failed; the words just wouldn't come out; her thoughts and emotions a bundle of pain and fear.

Lena had used Kara, trapped her in kryptonite, and still failed. All her plans for naught, and she, honestly, should have stayed dead. She didn't deserve to be here. This should be prior Lena's life, the person who was a true hero, not like herself.

"Lena?" Sam grasped her shoulder. "You got that haunted look in your eyes again. What is it?"

"You don't know what I've done," Lena whispered. "Or what Kara did on that prior Earth. You weren't there. I -- I shut you and everyone out after the betrayal."

"Then don't do it here. Don't push us away for a project that would steal our free will."

Lena laughed, but it turned into a sob. The walls of Sam's kitchen, which had felt so comforting at first, folded in on her, and she needed air. She turned to run, but Sam caught her arm.

To her surprise, Sam spun her into a hug. "I said I'd always have your back, Lena, so how about this." She murmured into Lena's hair, her arms warm and comforting -- something Lena hadn't felt in months (lifetitmes?). "How about this. Let's explore options. I'll get my hands on a truthseeker, and we'll put it on Kara. You'll get the truth you want, and I'll be there this time."

Despite not remembering Earth-38, Sam acted remarkably like the Sam there. Lena sunk into Sam's embrace, and a few tears escaped. "Okay," she said, quietly. "We'll try your way."

So here she was, walking in the climate-change snow toward the meeting place. She'd let Sam pick it, let Sam reach out to invite Kara, to act the neutral party.

Sam didn't have Lena's history with Supergirl and Kara, and Kara had no reason to suspect Sam of villianry. Yet Lena wondered if Alex and the others were watching somewhere, ready to judge her, condemn her, maybe even nuke her.

Because she wasn't a fool. On Earth-38, she'd seen Claymore change it's orientation. Hope had calculated the trajectory, and it had pointed at her.

If that was Alex or Kara, Lena didn't know, but her heart suspected Alex. Kara had been too desperate to convince save her despite Lena trapping her in kryptonite.

This was a detail she hadn't told Sam. How could she?

Sam was all she had left, and she was the loophole in Lex's plans. Because whatever he planned, it might be worse than the red sun incident or Red Daughter/Kaznia. Prior Lex had been too free with his military toys during crises, but he'd been far kinder and more accepting than Earth-38 Lex.

No, trusting Lex, even after his truthseeker confession, was a dangerous situation. Lena had seen Lex's tells when the truthseeker sat on his arm. He'd omitted things, said only what he believed was true to convince her.

But what had he omitted? What did she fail to see?

A cold breeze ruffled the branches of the vines, and needles shook loose to drift softly into the snow. Ahead the clearing where benches loomed before a fountain. Lena stopped at the edge or the pine forest and ducked behind a trunk.

There, sitting on the central bench, Kara sat watching the sky, where a few snow flurries danced above the fountain, it's water shut off and a thin layer of ice over what remained in its marbled bowl.

Her golden hair hung loose, and the wind whipped to the left, locks drifting across her face. She looked ethereal in the light of the setting sun, her skin almost aglow. Her glasses were in her hands as she cleaned them with a white cloth. She wore no protective gear for the cold, no scarf, no winter coat, no boots, just a navy blue jacket and jeans with sneakers.

The grief and pain in her soul pulsed with the love that she'd failed to exorcise. Her urge to walk over, push Kara against the bench, and kiss her haunted her thoughts. Nothing had exorcised that desire from her traitorous heart.

She leaned against the rough bark, and nibbled on her bottom lip. Maybe she should leave now, before anyone noticed her.

But the thought of the truthseeker on Kara kept her rooted in place. She needed the truth, all of it unfiltered. No more omitting facts, no more lying, no more half-truths.

Part of her dreaded what she'll find, another part urged her to push forward with the plan, and yet another part burned with a desire to just run from everyone. To leave this cursed city and disappear from everyone.

Footsteps caught her attention, and she sighted Sam on the opposite side of the clearing. No, she'd ghosted Sam once already. Of all the people in her life, Sam hadn't ever betrayed her. She didn't deserve to be hurt again by Lena.

Sam rounded the fountain, a duffel bag over her shoulder, and her winter coat a different color than what Lena remembered. On Earth-38, Sam wore darker colors, often navy blue, black, or brown. Here she wore a forest green winter coat with brown cuffs and collar.

"Hey Kara! Thanks for meeting." Sam waved with a smile. "I know you've been really busy lately."

"Yeah." Kara brushed off snow. "It's weird to see snow in California."

"Polar vortex dipped too far south again." Sam shrugged. "Lena was studying it by the way. Had an idea on how to stabilize the climate, but..." She dropped onto the bench next to Kara, her duffel at her feet. "It's been a weird few weeks."

"Yeah. That's for sure." Kara's laugh sounded forced. "Was anyone else meeting us?"

"Yeah, one more." Sam scanned the clearing. Lena tried to keep out of sight in the pines, but her friend was far too observant. "Lena, stop hiding, girl. I can see that red jacket."

Lena sighed and stepped out from behind the pine. She tugged on her fingers nervously. "Hi." She didn't know what else to say.

"Lena?" Kara shot to her feet, her eyes wide. "What -- what are you doing here?"

Gingerly, Lena stepped out of the pine's safety and onto the stone tiles of the clearing. "I -- I was asked by Sam to come as well."

Kara frowned. "Last time we talked you almost threw a wine glass at my head."

"Wait she did?" Sam looked between the two. "Well, I suppose that's better than the microscope at Jack's head."

That was another weird thing about this reality. Jack still lived, but prior Lena had never dated Jack. Instead, she'd dated a lot of women, no men at all. Another major difference -- prior Lena was a lesbian, but Earth-38 Lena was a bisexual.

"A microscope?" Kara repeated. "What did he do?"

"Irritated me," Lena said, with a shrug. "His testing plans were ridiculous, and he wasn't listening to me." She walked to the bench, but didn't sit down. "Um, so, did Sam tell you what this is about?"

Kara glanced at the dufflebag. "Sort of? She said she'd bring a truthseeker to help mediate between us."

"Both of us will take turns with it," Lena said. She sat down on the armrest of the nearby bench. Cold seeped into her clothes. "The full truth, no holding back."

Kara nibbled on her bottom lip. "Okay."

Lena frowned. "Just okay? No self-righteous speech about how I should trust you without it?"

Kara sighed. "I don't want to fight you, Lena. If this helps you then I'll do it."

Sam unzipped her bag and pulled out a silver cylinder. "I admit, this is weird. Both of you are not acting like the Kara and Lena I knew." She settled the cylinder on her lap and shook her head. "Lena had been panicking over whether she should ask you out before-- before whatever caused this weird change."

Lena looked down at her hands. She'd read that in prior Lena's journals, and it had hurt so much. Prior Lena had confidence in everything but love, and yet, she'd still been more courageous than Earth-38 Lena. Prior Lena admitted to her love, while Earth-38 Lena hid from it.

"Wait, you were going to ask me out?" Kara leaned closer to Lena. "Really?"

"Prior Lena," she said flatly. "It's in her journals. She was a meticulous record keeper. Better than even myself."

Sam shook her head. "Comments like that sure make this surreal. So who wants to go first?"

"I will." Kara pushed up her sleeve and held out her arm. "Do it, Sam."

Lena said nothing, only watched as Sam carefully keyed the code and opened one end. She tilted it into Kara's lap.

The unnerving creature slipped out and wrapped its appendages around Kara's arm. The hiss of not-quite pain escaped Kara's lips, and a hint of redness blossomed around the tentacles.

"Ask away," Kara said, her voice trembling slightly as she looked at Lena.

"Did you ever trust me?" Lena couldn't meet Kara's gaze, so she picked at her cuticles instead.

"Yes. I did."

Lena frowned. "Are you immune to that thing or what? How can you say you trusted me and yet you used me."

"Lena," Kara said, fervently. "I did trust you. It's myself I didn't trust. I made a big mistake by using James to go behind your back and search for kryptonite. I'd been so wrapped up in pain at seeing my people harm Earth again, that when I heard synthesized, all I saw was red. And red would have doomed us."

"Red what?" Lena demanded. "It sounds like you're just making up excuses."

"Red Kryptonite," Kara said, her voice strangled almost. "Max Lord made it on Earth-38. It... it brings out the darkest parts of me, and people almost died. Alex and J'onn had to use everything they had to subdue me enough for the cure."

Red welts appeared along the edges of the wrapped tentacles. Something she'd never seen on Kara's skin before -- her always flawless skin, always flawless hair, always perfect in every way. More signs that she was not fully human if Lena had been more observant.

Or maybe more honest with herself.

"Is that your excuse? Past trauma giving you the right to use people I cared about and my name against me?" Lena wanted to slap Kara, but that'd likely break her hand.

"It's not an excuse, Lena. It's my truth. I fucked up, and I'm sorry."

The curseword stole all the angry accusations from Lena's lips. She'd never heard Kara curse ever.

"So," Sam said, cautiously. "Lots of bad blood between you two. My question is, what is real? This Earth-38 or our current world?"

Kara slumped against the bench. "Earth-38 and the multiverse at large was destroyed in the antimatter wave. It took all of us paragons -- and there wasn't many of us honestly -- to end that threat and restore the multiverse. I don't think Earth-38 will ever exist again." Pain coated her voice. "I couldn't save them."

"I couldn't either," Lena pointed out. "I build that massive portal, evacuated who I could, and yet we still died on Earth-1, didn't we? So all our actions were pointless."

"Never," Kara snapped. "We still thought we had a chance to win when that happened. You saved so many, Lena. You didn't have to do that. You could have turned Alex away."

"I'm not a monster," Lena said. She dropped onto the bench proper, and rested her arms on her knees, her hands clasped. "All I've ever wanted is to do good."

"Then do good now!" Kara said, earnestly. "Help us against Leviathan and Lex. Don't --"

"Stop." Lena struggled against an urge to cry. Why was she doing this? It felt like torture. Her heart ached, and she didn't deserve this second chance at life. "I manipulated you for months, Kara. Used you to finish my project. I encased you in a kryptonite prison."

"Yeah, that was awful." Kara winced. "More than awful. Like lava in my veins, but you didn't leave me there. It melted the moment you left, and you'd programmed a drone to saturate me with the sunlight I needed to recover," Kara pointed out. "You could have killed me, but you didn't."

Lena didn't say anything. She couldn't kill Kara.

She was capable of killing her own brother, but she couldn't kill Kara.

Her nightmares about Lex's death had returned with a vengeance since she woke in this hell world. She could feel the heft of the pistol in her hands. The stench of gunpowder as she shot her own brother. Her ears still echoed with the gasps of his breaths between his rants. He had checkmated her, and the truth he'd revealed about Kara obliterated Lena's heart.

"Why try to save me?" Lena watched the snow blow across the fountain's ice. "I saw Claymore reorient itself to face my location. You could have fired it."

"No! I would have caught caught it, taken the blast myself."

Lena's eyes darted to the truthseeker still on Kara's arm. The red welts had grown. Next to Kara, Sam sat silent, her eyes on the truthseeker, and a troubled expression on her face.

"Why?" Lena leaned closer to Kara, one arm against the bench's armrest. "Why are you so damn determined to save me? I'm not worth this effort, Kara. You should have let me die that day."

"Never. I can't lose you, Lena. I can't." Pain etched into Kara's voice.

"Why? Why can't you?" Lena snapped. "Why do you persist? You didn't care before! Lying to my face over and over again. And I, the lovesick fool, fell for it every time."

"Lena, when I was just Kara with you, I wasn't ever lying." The pain in Kara's voice echoed with a deep grief. "I can't lose you because I love you." Her face reddened, and she looked at the truthseeker.

Lena breathed in sharply. "Love?"

"Yes," Kara said, weakly. "I love you. And I wanted to protect you. But I was a coward. I couldn't be just Kara with you, even though I tried so hard. If either of us should have died in Crisis, it should have been me."

The red welts crept up Kara's arm. Lena couldn't take her eyes off it. "What's happening to your arm?" She pointed to the affected areas.

"I think I'm allergic to it," Kara whispered.

"Okay, that's enough." Sam double tapped the creature, and it unwrapped from Kara. It's slimy skin glistened with a soft blue glow, and it slithered back into its cylinder. "I'm sorry, Kara. I can go run and grab some Aloe Vera for you?"

"No need, Sam." Kara smiled, tiredly. "Time in the sunlight will heal this."

Lena stared at Kara's arm, the confession rattling against the sight of the allergic reaction.

Sam closed the cylinder and shifted to tuck it into her bag. "If you're allergic, then I don't think we should risk anyone--"

"Do it, Sam." Lena tugged her arm out of her coat and held it out. The cold bit into her arm, and she steeled herself. "I said both of us, and I, unlike some, follow through on promises."

"Lena..." Sam frowned. "What if you're allergic too?"

"I don't care. Just do it."

Kara looked back and forth between two, her brow scrunched with worry. She stayed silent, one hand lightly rubbing her sores.

Sam grumbled but walked over and opened the cylinder above Lena's arm. The creature slid out and wrapped around Lena's arm, and a rush of chemicals seethed into her veins.

Lena gasped at the mixture of pain and an intense desire to speak bloomed within her.

"Ask your questions, Kara," Sam said, sharply.

Kara stared at the truthseeker. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes. No. yes." Lena struggled against the urge to scream her truth. To hold herself back somehow, but whatever the truthseeker slipped into her blood overcame her. "I trust you to keep me alive. I trust you to come to my rescue. But I don't trust you with my heart. You broke it."

Kara took a haggard breath, her eyes haunted. "I'm sorry, Lena. Truly I am."

"Stop apologizing!" Lena snapped. "Ask me why! Ask me why it hurt so much, Kara!"

Kara flinched. "Okay, okay, why did it hurt so much?"

The words exploded out of her. "Because I'm in love with you. All I wanted was you. It's why I bought Catco. For you. It's why I led it and gave Sam L-Corp's CEO position. To be close to you. Why do you think I filled your office with flowers?" Tears stung her eyes, and she gulped back a sob. "To learn you never trusted me with your true self?"

"But I did! You saw me, the me I wanted so badly to be, and if it weren't for you, I would have lost myself after losing Mon-el." Kara darted to her feet and dropped down in front of Lena. "You are my light, Lena. My heart. And I'll never stop fighting for you." She started to reach for Lena's hands, but Sam intervened and pushed her back.

"How can I trust that?" Lena blurted. "I'm scared. I'm scared to trust again, scared to love you. I should have died, Kara." Tears blurred her vision, and yet she couldn't stop. The truthseeker pulsed its toxins into her, pushing her to spill her truth. "I erased prior Lena, who was a much better person than me. I'm a murderer, a villain, a monster that should have died."

"No!" Kara shouted, frustrated. "You deserve life."

"Okay, that's enough." Sam tapped the truthseeker and collected it in its container. It left slight red marks on Lena's arm, but nothing compared to Kara's. "No one deserves death, for God's sake." Sam ran a hand through her hair and tossed it over her shoulder. "You two have apparently gone through hell on Earth-38." She locked the lid and stowed it in the bag. "But this is getting ridiculous. I want you both to talk, while I return this. When I get back, you two better have talked this out, or I'm gonna lock you two in a room for a week. Don't test me."

Lena shoved her arm back into her warm coat, and zipped it shut. "Fine." She felt raw, exposed, but the truth had been laid bare. The truthseeker had done it's duty.

Kara clenched her hands into fists but said nothing. True to her word, Sam slung the bag over her shoulder and marched to the south, the far end of the park.

"Would Sam really lock us in a room?" Kara said after a long moment of silence.

"Yes." Lena chuckled softly, but it felt hollow still. "She locked me and Jack in a room to force us to talk through a rather ridiculous fight. I was being stubborn. She even barricaded the door."

"Well then." Kara sat back on her heels, her hands on her knees. She looked up at Lena. "I suppose we should talk then?"

Lena wiped her eyes. "I guess."

"Lena," Kara reached out, but her hand hovered between them, uncertainty on her face. "Can we start over? This time honesty and trust will be our cornerstone. And we can rebuild from there?"

This was the one difference between Lex with the truthseeker and Kara. Lex didn't love her. He'd chose his words carefully for maximum manipulation. He hadn't worn the truthseeker long, only enough for him to say the words he knew Lena wanted to hear.

He refused to keep it on for her questions.

But Kara had worn it long enough to blister her skin.

Lena reached out tentatively and grasped Kara's hand. She tugged Kara closer, her other hand gently running along the edge of the red welts. "This is new to me," she said softly. "I -- starting over feels overwhelming. Can it really be that easy?"

"Who said it'd be easy?" Kara settled between Lena's legs, her face upturned. Her gorgeous blue eyes met Lena's emerald ones, and her hair hung in soft ringlets around her beautiful face.

Lena's other hand betrayed her and tucked a lock of Kara's hair behind her ear. She bit her lip, and tucked both her hands under her legs. "I'm tired, Kara. Tired of fighting." She bowed her head, her hair cascading around her face. The snow seeped into her pants, and the wet spread its coldness to her skin. "I'm in hell. Lex masterminded all of this, and that makes us what? Pawns on a chessboard? I murdered my own brother for you. I stained my soul forever. Only for him to somehow survive." She laughed bitterly. "I'm a monster, Kara."

"No. No you're not." Kara gently tugged Lena's hand free and rubbed her thumb over her skin. Warmth radiated from Kara's hand. "You did what you needed to keep us all safe. You deserve care and love. Rebuilding will be hard, I know, but I think you're worth it. I wouldn't have agreed to come if I didn't believe that. Nor would I have tried to warn you about Lex once I woke up here."

Lena thought of the prior Lena's journals. Of the projects she'd been doing, projects Earth-38 had forgone to focus on Harun-el-- her hubris nearly destroying what she'd hoped to save. Or her revenge, once again abandoning projects that could have really helped people out of her delusions of grandeur.

"I'm not better than Lex," Lena said. "Sam's right. Non Nocere is just another mind control project. One Lex will definitely find a way to twist and pervert."

"Then don't do it. Work on other things." Kara leaned closer, her face inches from Lena's own. "Let me work with you. I was the youngest in centuries to be accepted to Krypton's Science Guild, at least before it died." She took a deep breath. "So maybe earth science uses odd units and programming languages, but I can learn it. You don't have to do it all alone, Lena. Please, let's start over. This time on the right foot."

Lena leaned her forehead against Kara's. The warmth seeped into her, and she took a shaky breath. "Okay."