#Holden’s tactile touch as a love language personality

[always-tilting-at-windmills]

#Alyx-still ....so it continues....

So, this is kinda a lot to take in, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Deep character analysis 🧐, especially of the Jamos bond is my favorite! Season 5 is so rich with tying bows around their motivations, now that they are apart. Because they have depended on each other so much.

“Fond exasperation” is very fitting for early Holden/Amos bonding!!

There is an part of part of Amos that really likes to throw people off balance. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. But, either way he watches the reactions. Because he can’t be thrown off balance like that, a simple comment can’t “hurt” his feelings. He can’t be provoked like that, he doesn’t have that kind of trigger or boundaries. Which is the complete opposite of Holden, that gets his feelings hurt constantly! Very easily. And I love that about Holden. That sensitivity.

I also love though that because Holden’s in his own head so much - he doesn’t listen. He goes off more than words, intentions behind the words. Benefit of the doubt. Like a non-English speaker stumbling through a conversation, but still understanding the gist of it. So, a supper awkward moment with Amos is different. And means it’s touch Holden time! “I’m glad we had this talk” followed by the forceful/affectionate Amos /SLAP/ of approval.

___>I think this ties into a subject I love to discuss- “Amos’ language is his physicality.”

Violence comes easy and it solves problems. It releases anything felt that can’t be explained and doesn’t want to be felt. I so agree with this point and how it’s subconscious pull does not need further poking and prodding. That is too exhausting, too painful and pointless to Amos.

(Flail!!!) but Holden’s language is also physical, it is tactile. The heart on his sleeve. It’s the inability to disguise his behavior. The lack of a poker face. The only way Holden processes is by emoting. And there is constant poking and prodding. He is so obvious, Amos can read him. So, obvious he wants to talk to him. Wants to make the effort, far past what he even understands. But any and all attempts are appreciated.

**Because as much as Holden likes to help, he also likes to be helped.

This is where I tie back to the “closed circuit” that Amos & Naomi shared. The crucial Canterbury bond. Because it was as deep as both of them needed it to be....until the truth comes out. Naomi has been afraid. Opening up that Amos is an obligation?! She know he needs more guidance than she can provide that this point.

Amos has plenty of hostility for Holden. But, Holden takes it, openly and the fact is he wanted to confess from the beginning. He didn’t because he deferred to Naomi and Amos can certainly relate to that, he always deferrs to her after all. So, they have that in common!

As per distractions - I think Amos (Timothy) is the master of suppression. But, not because he is good at it, he didn’t have a choice. The chronic abuse of his childhood buried it out of necessity, so he could cope. Cauterized it. It is automatic pilot. And it only gets pulled out as you say - by the kid at Tycho as an example. That scene is crushing because while Amos isn’t tactful - he was given an instruction - one per person and he inforced it. Just that simple. He isn’t equipped to deal with traumatized refugees. So, the child lashing out at him, as the monster is his greatest fear. To be the monster. Time & time again though Holden has told him - were not the bad guys like in 1x7 and 2x3. I’m not sure Amos ever cares in those moments. “I’m done taking Holden” - 1x7. But, by season 4 - while he may still believe he and Murty are both “killers” ...he also knows he isn’t like him too. Because he would never follow or listen to him. He does not doubt that about himself.

So....the theme of resiliency! This is kind of what i meant by “weaponized kindness” being Holden’s strength. Try again. Keep going. That determination. Because trust is such an issue for Amos, I think he trusts Holden. But what becomes more important, or at least harder to deny is the fact that Holden trusts him. Holden needs him.

*I just wish Amos could know that Bobbie (the professional marine) used him - his name FIRST- trying to reason & negotiate with Holden.

*Stop! Think of Amos!*

Because that is how important Bobbie believes he is to Holden....#1 on her list of people...

She has unique insight having been on the Roci.

The whole burying his false name (Amos) but true indenity under his real name <Timothy> is a crucial gut punch. Also a house of cards. Because when he does “feel” or “know” an unconditional truth it comes with the understanding he has learned as Amos. Because while Timothy is the survivor, Amos has the value.

Holden & Amos both get worked up by failing to protect. Sometimes what they need the most is protection from themselves. Stopping Holden before he charges in without thinking, or stopping Amos before he charges in without thinking! *The guidance to honesty trade off!*

Where do they draw it from?!

Holden falls apart after fresh trauma as an adult...he doesn’t hide it, can’t hide it. Lashes out, freaks out. Gets manic. After Eros, Thoth, Ganymede the way it builds is so brilliant.

He is so emotional, vulnerable and obviously not okay. And you know who gets that? Amos. I can’t get over the way Amos talks to him. Holden didn’t stop Amos beating the chicken guy, he knows Cap ain’t right. He should have stopped him. Their very brief conversation is so important though. Amos has in his life had a front row seat to violence, undoubtedly he has watched people go insane under the pressure. But instead of detaching from Holden, because his leadership isn’t there; he reaches out. This is an entire season before the EPIC 3x07 reaching out.

But that episode (3x7) has such feels for so many reasons. Such growth having been achieved between Holden & Amos without Naomi for 7+ months.

Because: “Are you sick Cap?” Amos’ voice is tiny, meak....as he asks that tentative question. His voice is so unsure. Not comfortable. And yet unable to stop. Later then he chases after Holden, torpedoes chasing and “Miller” tells him to go for the ring.....well it’s one of the only times I can remember Amos reveals something he wants....which is Holden to not die. That is the most important thing to him. 🥺❤️

I highly recommend this fanfic for that timeframe! https://archiveofourown.org/works/25366447

I have only allowed myself to watch 5x01 so far. So much to unpack. So many feelings.