#He knows wat he's doin the son of a bitch

[jowbokitten]

🎶"Your eyes can be so cruel🎶 🎶Just as I can be so cruel"🎶

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

“we are so (thot) married”

i was bored so i decided to write a parody of the first chapter of my good comrade @theseerofdoomisunaltered‘s magnum opus “we are so (not) married”, if i have time maybe ill do the rest but no promises bc im a lazy inconsistent bitch lmao 

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hizashi was fuckin PISSEd!

he was angery and is upset bc shouta THAt dumB THOT had gone and goetten himself injured AGEIN!!!! he hadnt sleeped in 69 hours (hehe) bc he was 2 busy gettin turnt with tha bois (painkillers and mowten dew) and had goten into a fite with some villens (fourth graders) bc they sed cats were lame.

showta got carried by on a stretcher and hibachi pissed himself and not even in the kinyk way. paremdedics kept hziashi from geting close to the stretcher or the room shota is carreid into. “shit boi u fam?” a nurse asked.

“no’ mic sobbed loudly. “we;r emore like,, friends wtih benefits? as in, i beneFIT this dick up his ass ayy lmao” he lamaoed thru his tears.

the nurse kept askieng quetions but hizashy was sobbing too loudely to hear so he just said yes bc why not its good enouff 4 improv rite? the nurses let haizashi pass so he RAN into shotuas room, screming so loudly he killed like four people and a dog.

shoauta looked like he’d gotten fucked by knife dicks in all six holes at once. one of his legs was being held together with silly string and glue (aizawa was sniffing the bottel) and he was covered in blood and helo kitty bandaids. to put it simply he looked fine as fuck and mic was super fuckign horny for him but his teeers killed his boner

“mike u ignoernt slut ur so fcukin loud” aizawa moaned, taking a big hit from the glue bottle.

hizashey wanted to screm but he didnt want to get sued for murdeer again like last time so he kept his mouth shut by tenderly taking the glue bottle from aizawa and shovig it up his own ass.

“wat, arent u gonna offer me some simpathy sex?” aizawa asked raiesing an eyberow.

“maybe later” hixzashy wept sobbily. “right now im too full of emotion and ass glue to present my mic up ur bootyhole.

aizawa tenderly patted mic on the cheek with his scotch-taped cock (cock tape) and then licked the tears off his nuts. “its all good in the hood”

“All is N OT good in the hood you jelly filled fucknut!” mic screamed tearfully and angrily. “what if u are is DIED??? then the two of us could never cha-cha real smooth again!??? HOW COD U DO THIS TO MEH>???? IF U DIED,,,,,,” hizsahy cried and nutted at the same time “i’d die 2 bc my gay ass cant fuckien drive but its too far to walk 2 school so id try yo drive anyway and id crash the car and die and it would be ALL UR FOLT!!!!”

aizawa just rolled over in the hosptial bed and ripped his hospital gown open,e xposing his lush bird nest of chest hair and supple pink nips screaming out for slurpage. “ur so dramatic” he whsiepred seductively. “why dont u quit the shakespeare and start suckspeareing me off?”

hizashy wiped away his tears and got to succking. the nurse walked in as hizashi was giving aizawa some eraserHEAD if u know wat i mean. she crumbeled some paperwork into balls and threw them at mic and them stormed off.

“FILL THOSE OUT YA GODDAMN TWINK”

mic fillde out the paperwork with aizawas pen(is) and tehn tenderly cradeld aizawa in his arms (carefully cupping his nuts for protecktion of course) and got on the roomba he used insted of a car bc his gay ass never learned how 2 fuckin driev. “vrroom vroom bitch” he said as they sped away at a blistering pace of .005 mph from the hospital. “the ass-magnet 9000 is in motion fuckers!”

‘take me 2 taco bell” aizawa whined. “i hav some casual craigstlist sex solicitors to meet for dinner tonite”

“NO CASUAL CRAGESLIST SEX UNTIL U RECOVER FROM UR INJURIES!” hizashi screamed. “IM GONNA TAKE CARE OF U, U BIG SALTY BABY” hizashy was super mcfuckin gay for aizwa so watching him get fucked the hell up and then just want to immedetly get back on the plow horse (so to speak) and jump into th e casual craigslist sex wasnt fun.

hziashi did a sick ollie off his roomba and knocked the door down with his throbbing erection only to promptyl start sobbing when he got a dick splinter.

“u dum fuck thats wy u shoud go thru the door like a normal person” aizawa grumbled as he sucked out the dick splinter. “for fucking out loud even that 5 dollar thottie ALL MIGHT, SYMBOL OF PEACE TM goes thru doors like a normal person.” shouta thought for amoment. “well except for the one time at that christmas party in april,,”

“well YEAH but if i didnt kick down the door dick first wat kind of pro hero wold i be?” hizashi protested

“one wihtoout dick splinters”

“ya ok tru”

hizashy threw aizawa over his shoulder like a thicc sack of poatatos and caried him 2 his lightning mcqueen racecar bed where they made the sekcs for 35 seconds before aizawa fell asleep. mic, exhausted from the hwole dick splinter fiasco, fell aslep too, resting his head on shoutas soft pillowy ass.

he woke up the next morning when nemuri broke down his door and started kicking his ass “HIZASSHI YOU STUPID BITCH HO W D ARE U GET MARRIED WITHOUT ME????”

tensei, who had been wheeled in in a weelbarrow, slapped mic in the face with one of those rubber stretchy extendy hands that he carried around for that express purpose. “YEAH YOU WHORE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BRIDESMAID DAMMIT I ALREADY HAD MY OUTFIT ALL PICKED OUT I WAS GONNA WEAR THIS DANK ASS SONIC THE HEDGEHOG COSPLAY AND U FUCKERS R O B B ED ME OF MY HAPPINESS”

“wat in the fresh hell are u talkign about?” hizash asked confusedly.

tensei whipped out his rose gold iphone 69 and hsowed hiszashi a news report that said “THEY GAY BITCH” followed by a picture of mic and aizawa doin the scooby dooby doo on the hospital bed.

“Everyones shook af  by the news that screme mcmeme, also known as president michael, and iceicezawa are married!” the report said. there was a picture of one of the paramedics mic had accidently murdered with his screaming. before dying she had apparently tweeted to the news and told them that mic had said YEAH when she asked if he was married to the patient shoota and so now everyone in the world new they were gay and thogth they were married!!!

some ppl like tensei and nemuri were happy (about the marriege anyway, in general tensei wasnt happy bc his twitter had got hacked and the entire internet could see his turbo-nudes and his ingeniDONG) but there were some bitch ass hos that were not plesed with this developement.

for example endevor had posted in the yuotube comments of a video entirely unrelated to the marraige thing “these daM hOME OF SEXAULS keep ruinging eeverything with their GAY AJENDA!!!! my son looked at a Gay once and hes fuckin gay now, thx oBamA!!111! THIS IS THE FUTERE LIBERALS WANT!11! present mic?? more like present CUCK!!1!”

hizashi dropped the phone. how was he gonna explain this to the internet? how was he gonna explain this to shouta?!?????

tune in next week for more fuckery, i can probably get this done in three chapters lol, if not three then DEFINITELY six, it sure would be wild if it ended up being nine chapters huh lamao

[justagirlwritingherlilheartout]

I like that (FP Jones-Riverdale)

Summary: Y/N's Jughead's friend who works at Pop's where  FP Jones saves her from a creepy fratboy.

It was a lovely day in a small town called Riverdale. This town was used to be one of the most boring and calm towns in all the universe. But not long ago an unexpected accident happened that caused the whole town to became suspicious of absolutely everyone they knew.

''Y/N! Wait up!''  A black haired boy with a grey crown like hat yelled as the girl with a floral dun dress made her way out of the Riverdale high school.

''Juggy, hey, what's up?'' Y/N turned around to come face to face with her friend.

''Going to Pops?''

''Yeah. My shift starts in about 30 min.'' She smiled.

''You're probably the only person who is excited about going to work.'' Jughead  said with his face seeming like he's totally done with everything.

''I'm not excited about work, silly.'' She smiled, elbowing him playfully. ''I'm excited about people.  Do you have any idea how many different people I meet everyday, how many people i talk to, how many stories i hear everyday.'' She explained looking up at the sky.

''You're something else.''

''Huh?''

''You're so positive, I don't think I've ever seen you mad or sad..''

''Oh c'mon that's not true, I do get mad.''

''Lecturing a  drunk on what feminism is after he told you he used to date an 'ugly feminazi bitch' doesn't count.''

''It very much does.'' She fake glared at him before adding, ''Besides we have you and your angst, we don't need mine as well.''

''Sure, but i can't help it, ism w-''

''You're weird, you're not like us, you're not the perfect next door kid. I know.'' She cut him off before bursting in to laughter when she saw his annoyed expression.  ''I'm sorry buddy, you know i love you.'' She added hooking her arm trough his as they continued walking.

''I know, but it would feel a lot more special if you wouldn't act like you're in love with absolutely every creature on this planet.'' He said sarcastically before smiling down at her. ''But yeah i love you too.''

''That's totally not true, i don't want snakes anywhere near me.''

''Here you go, one black coffee and a chocolate muffin.'' Y/N said with a smile on her face as she gave a man in his late 20's, his  order. ''If i can get you anything else let me know.''

''Actually there is something else.'' The man said clearly checking her out.

''Sure, what can i do for you?'' She said, with a smile still on her face, trying to ignore the fact that she felt like a prey, being surrounded by a lion.

''You can let me do you.''

''Excuse me?'' She tried to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, hoping he meant something else.

''I'm just kidding.'' He said causing Y/N let out a sigh of relief. ''But you can give me your number.''

''Sorry i  actually like to separate work and pleasure.'' She tried to reject him in a nice way.

''But how can you say no to all the pleasure i would be able to give you?''

''Also, I'm saving myself for Jesus, sorry.'' This was probably Y/N's favorite lie to use, and being an atheist she thought it was just so funny how many times this line has worked and made the guys stop annoying her.

''Don't worry you'll be screaming 'Jesus' all night.''

''Ha-ha'' She faked a dry laugh before turning around and started cleaning the tables next to his desk.

''C'mon cutie pie don't be that up tigh-'' The guy was cut off by a deep voice coming from behind Y/N.

''She is not interested! Say one more word and i will rip your head off your shoulders.'' The mysterious dark figure behind the girl said, making the guy shut up and look down at his phone in shame.

''Thank you.'' Y/N whispered as she released that the man in his late 40's that saved her from the creepy frat boy, seemed very familiar.

''Anytime.'' He said shortly before taking a seat on one of the bar stools.

''Can i get you anything, on the house.'' She said with a  smile on her face as she  made her way behind the bar again.

''Sure, a beer.''

''Coming right up.'' She smiled before getting the beer and giving it to him. ''Here you go. And thank you again, Mr. ...''

''Jones.'' He said looking up at her with those warm brown eyes. ''But everyone calls me FP.''

''Nice to meet you, FP. I'm Y/N.'' She said offering him her hand which he took and shook. His hands were big, his skin rough bellow her small and soft ones. ''Jones? Any relation to Jughead?''

''Yeah that's my kid, you know him?''

''He's one of my best friends.'' The girl smiled. ''He's a strange but good kid.''

That made the older man laugh, it was a nice sound. He had black hair with some grey hairs here and there, making him even more handsome, and his eyes, oh his eyes were do warm and inviting, even tho his whole persona was  very dark and uninviting.

''Strange is an understatement.'' He agreed making the girl laugh.

''Very true.'' She nodded, pouring herself beer as well. It was getting late and the pop's was basically empty except the frat boy from before who was just making his way out.

''Wait, how do you know him, you have to be at least in your early, maybe mid 20's'' He said taking another drink of his bear.

''I'm 19, I'm a senior at your sons school'' The girl told him as she took a sip of her beer.

''You look older.'' He observed and raised an eyebrow at her beer.

''Well i guess it's the experience that matures you, not your age.'' She said nodding in the direction of where the frat boy used to sit. ''And this,'' She continued, lifting her beer, ''I'm European, I'm basically already an adult in every way.'' She said winking at him.

''If you say so.'' He let out a laugh again. ''Europe, i knew your accent can't be American?''

''Yep my mum and i moved here when i was 16 after she divorced my dad, he was kind of an asshole, also probably the reason i have daddy issues.'' She said.

''Daddy issues, huh?'' He said raising an eyebrow as he shifted closer to the girl.

''You should beware, you're right at the daddy age.'' She winked before letting out a laugh.

''Well then.'' He sent a smirk her way, making a soft blush creep on her cheeks.

It was nice, besides the fact that there was a huge age gap between then they got along, they both had the same seance of humor and were able to talk about nothing and everything, as cliche as it sounded.

''Y/N, sorry I'm late, I'll own you one.'' Hermione said stumbling trough the door.

''Oh, don't worry about it, I didn't even realize what's the time.'' Y/N said straightening up and looking at the clock, it was just a bit over 4am, she was supposed to end her shift at 3am but she ended up sitting next to FP on one of the bar stools and talking since there were almost no other costumers at night.

''Give me a sec I'll just put away my stuff and take over.'' Hermione said walking in to the closet area behind the bar.

''Sure.'' The younger girl said as she stood up from the stool.

''How are you going home?'' FP asked garbing his jacket from the stood on the other side of him.

''I'm walking home, pretty much just to shower since i clearly don't have time to sleep before i have to get to school''

''I'll drive you.''

''You sure?''

''Yeah, it's the least i can do.'' He said, genuinely feeling happy without being  drunk

''Alright, I'll just grab my things.''

''Thank you again, Y/N'' Hermione hugged her before she made her way out of the restaurant where FP was already waiting on her.

''Ready to go?'' He asked offering her his elbow trough which she hooked her hand as they walked towards his truck.

"Thank you again, for standing up for me." She said as they made it to his car, where he opened the door for her. 

"It was my pleasure."  He said before closing the door behind her and Walking over to his side, and starting the car. 

"You should come by more often." She smiled as he started the car. 

"Now that i know a girl like you works there, i most defenetly  will." He said, sending her a quick smirk before looking back on the road. 

"Are you flirting with me, Mr. Jones?" She asked scooting herself closer to him and laying her head on his shoulder. 

"Have been for the last couple of hours. Thank you for noticing." He said with a chuckle and in that moment she knew exactly where Jughead got his sarcasm and snaky commentary from. 

"Oh I've noticed." She said before being interrupted by her own yawn. She gently wrapped her arms around his arm, which he was now resting on her thigh as they drove. 

"We're here.'' FP said as he Parked his car at the address the girl told him was her home. 

"Mhm" was all she said before cuddling in to him even more. She was already half asleep. 

"Come here." The man let out a chuckle before picking the girl up in his arms and caring her out of the car bridal style. 

"Wat arr you doin'?" She said Partially Waking up. 

"Getting you home safely." He said just as they reached the top step if her porch where he gently set her back in her knees. "Will you be able to make it the rest of the way?" He said a smile on his face.

"Mhm, I'm a big girl, remember?" She said searching for her Keys in her purse. "Got 'em" she smiled pointing the Keys in the air. 

"Good job baby girl." He said clearly amused by her sleepy attempt to get in to her own home, the fact that she drank a couple of beers probably didn't help. 

"I like that." She smiled up at him, enchanted by the new nickname. 

FP raised an eyebrow at the girl as she stumbled closer to him. 

"Thanks." She said before stepping on her tips toes and pressed sing a soft but quick kiss on his lips. 

FP didn't have time to react as she already turned around and walked trough her door. 

"I like that." He said to himself before Walking back to his car with a proud smirk playing on his lips. 

.Click here for part two!

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Request here!

Masterlist here!

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AN: Hey let me know what you think. Requests are open.

[the-clash-at-gallifrey]

Mordecai's Love Life Abridged - The Thrilling Saga

Mordecai: *sees Margaret*

Mordecai: HOLY S HTI I C ANNOT BREA THE SHE SMOKIN HOT

Rigby: Go ask her out! She seems nice...

Mordecai: lol wut

Rigby: Go ask lady pecs out

Mordecai: You kiddin me, I ain't doin that shit

Rigby: UGHHHGHGHGHGGHGHGH

*five episodes later*

Mordecai: Alright, imma do it. I'm gonna do it

Margaret: Hey dude wassup?

Mordecai: Do you wanna... fuck.

Margaret: WHAT?!

Mordecai: Nevermind NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE *runs back to Rigby*

Rigby: Dude!

Mordecai: I tried man, I really did try

*he eventually makes up with Margaret and hangs around with her for four seasons not getting anywhere*

Mordecai: I'm gonna kiss that hot piece of shit

Rigby: Oh lord...

Mordecai: it'll be easy!

Rigby: DO IT OR YOU'LL HAVE TO WEAR A DIAPER

Mordecai: wtf

Rigby: DO IT FOR THE VINE

Mordecai: Ughhhhhhhhhhh

Margaret: What's this shit I'm hearing about a bet?

Mordecai: No.

Margaret: FUCK YOU MORDECAI. FUCK YOU. *runs off*

Mordecai: Noooooooooooooooo!!!!

Margaret: Oh you want me to save your sorry little ass from freezing to death? Tell me how you REALLY feel about me.

Mordecai: OKAY FINE I LIKE YOU, OKAY?

Margaret: *nearly kisses him*

Margaret: Fuck you you piece of shit

*a few episodes later*

Eileen: HORY SHIT GUYS A FUCKIN METEOR SHOWER IS GONNA HIT THIS TOWN WITH A BANG *inside her head* hello Rigby you rabie-filled hottie.

Mordecai: Cool! I'll be there.

Rigby: ACTUALLY DO IT THIS TIME YOU WUSS.

*meteor shower hits*

Mordecai: Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Rigby: DO IT.

Mordecai: Stahp im emotionally unstable

Old potato guy: Bruh

Mordecai: Ughhhhh. Yo Margaret you wanna kiss?

*makes out*

Margaret: That was a great meteor shower (what the fuck just happened)

*dates for awhile*

Mordecai: Yo Margaret

Margaret: Goin' to college! Fuck you.

*loud emotional crying from Mordecai*

CJ: Hey Mordecai, I'm a cool ass cloud that puts up with zero shit, have all the same interests as you, and I kill people. You wanna date?

Mordecai: gee, I don't know, you're pretty cool, but-

Rigby: DO NOT.

Mordecai: Fine.

CJ: sick

*hangs out for awhile*

Eileen: GO ON A FUCKIN DATE ALREADY

Mordecai and CJ: wut

Eileen: DO IT.

Mordecai: Fine, u down fo dis CJ?

CJ: sure

*date than ends with drama and Mordecai and CJ becoming canon*

Mordecai: I luv this cloud

Rigby: STAHP

Mordecai: What?!

Rigby: SPEND MORE TIME WIT ME

Mordecai: ... bruh

Rigby: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*a few months later*

Margaret: Surprise bitch

Mordecai: THE FUCK

Margaret: I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me

Mordecai: No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

CJ: Hey Morde-

Mordecai: Shut the fuck up

CJ: What?

Margaret: Hey CJ!

CJ: Hi, I'm Mordo's bitch now

Margaret: WAT

Mordecai: I, ummmm

Margaret: No, it's cool! You need to be happy!

Mordecai: thx

*hug*

Mordecai: I AIN'T LETTIN GO OF YOU

Margaret: ME EITHER

*makes out*

CJ: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Mordecai: well shit

Margaret: oh...

*runs out crying*

Mordecai: NO PLZ FORGIVE ME

Eileen: Dis bitch is now my roommate. fuck you.

Margaret: you done fucked up Mordecai

Mordecai: ...

Mordecai: i fucked up. fuck

*the next day*

Mordecai: what up cj

CJ: why the did you invite me to this shithole of a coffee shop

Mordecai: idk what happened

CJ: Bitch plz

Mordecai: Here's a bunch of butt-shaped gifts

CJ: OH MY GOD I FORGIVE YOU I FUCKIN LOVE BUTTS

Margaret: IM GOIN TO CALL MORDY AT THE WRONG FUCKING TIME. YO MORDY

CJ: who the fuck is this bitch

Mordecai: The bitch I kissed

CJ: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.

*more sad music*

Mordecai: fuck you margaret... fuck you...

Sad Sax Guy: IF YOU HAVIN GURL PROBLEMS I FELL BAD FO YOU SON I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A BITCH AINT ONE

Mordecai: shut up and help me cj fuckin hates my guts

Sad Sax Guy: Get the bitch you kissed here

Mordecai: Fine

*at the park*

Mordecai: Wut up bitch

Margaret: I don't want to get involved even though I should have stopped you from kissing me but I went along with it anyway, so fuck you.

Mordecai: You're a good friend

*hugs*

CJ: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Mordecai: goddammit...

Sad Sax Guy: Lol just put up a bunch of cheap-ass performances fo her

Mordecai: thanks lmao

CJ: is this a fuckin joke

Mordecai: Yo up Cee- *gets hit by bus*

CJ: JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU OKAY

Mordecai: Yeah, thing is.... are you?

CJ: Feelin' great *slaps him on head with board* bye asshole

Rigby: Are you insane?!

Mordecai: lol wut

Rigby: STAHP LISTENING TO A WEIRD SHIRTLESS GUY WHO PLAYS THE SAXOPHONE FOR SOME WEIRD REASON

Mordecai: Ugh.

Sad Sax Guy: Go to your older bitch's house

Mordecai: You mean my mom's?

Sad Sax Guy: ...

*goes to mom's house*

Mordecai's Mom: You done fucked up Mordecai

Mordecai: I KNOW. HELP ME.

Mordecai's Mom: Sway her in.

Mordecai: Fine.

*goes outside*

Mordecai: Rigby, tell dis bitch to look outside

Rigby: Look outside

CJ: Awwwwwww...

*at hospital*

CJ: Why the fuck did you kiss that bitch

Mordecai: I HAD FEELZ FOR MARGARET AND SEEING HER BROUGHT DOS FEELZ BACK I'M SORRY PLEASE TAKE ME BACK IT WAS MY FAULT.

CJ: Fine.

*makes out*

Sad Sax Guy: Happy holidays, asshole.

*a month later*

Eileen: YOU GUYZ WANNA SEE SOME FUCKIN SEA TURTS

CJ, Mordecai, and Rigby: sure

Eileen: YO MARGARET YOU WANNA SEE

CJ: no

Eileen: wat

CJ: NO.

Eileen: Oh. Right.

*in the car*

CJ: you had to kiss dat bitch didnt u mordecai

Mordecai: I HAD FEELZ FOR HER I'M SORRY FO DA LAST TIME.

*drama with spa shit happens*

CJ: Goddammit.

*calls Margaret*

Margaret: YOOOOOOO CHECK OUT THESE ASSHOLES USIN' TURTLES FO THEIR SPA SHIT, HOW DA FUCK DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ANIMAL CRUELTY?

*a bunch of shit goes down*

Eileen: THX MARGARET FO SAVING OUR ASS

CJ: I called her u know...

Eileen: CJ AWWWWWWWWWW

*group hug with margaret*

CJ: bitch what the fuck do u think you're doing

Margaret: #awkward

Eileen: SHUT UP AND HUG ME

CJ: i came to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now

*a month later*

Mordecai: HOLY SHIT A PARTY IS GOIN DOWN AT DAT OTHER BITCH'S HOUSE. YO C-

CJ: lol no i'd rather pick up garbage than do that

Rigby: Oh right, because-

Mordecai: Shut the fuck up Rigby. Look, I'll get u some of dat cake cause u a bae.

CJ: THANK YOU MORDECAI *hugs*

Mordecai: *sees Margaret*

Mordecai: NOPE *runs into bathroom*

Rigby: dude... what the fuck...

Mordecai: I AIN'T FUCKIN ANYTHING UP IN HERE

Rigby: bruh...

Mordecai: Fine...

Margaret's Dad: YO DIAPER BOY I GOT A SEAT IN THE HELI FO YA YOU WANNA RIDE WIT DA FAM?

Mordecai: shit

*goes onto helicopter*

Margaret: How's the park? :)

Mordecai: FUCK HER RIGHT IN DA PUSSY

Margaret: stahp acting weird oh my god...

Mordecai: I HAVE TO U DON'T UNDERSTAND

CJ: lol so some bitch got burned by a river and... what the fuck is my bitch doing with that bitch...

Mordecai: oh no. don't.

CJ: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT MORDECAI I AM DONE TRUSTING YOU YOU PIECE OF GODDAMN BIRD SHIT YOU CAN GO SUCK ON MARGARET'S EGGS FOR ALL I CARE *rages*

Mordecai: NO STAHP I'VE BEEN TELLIN YOU A HUNDRED FUCKIN TIMES I AM NOT WIT THIS BITCH ANYMORE

CJ: LIAR

*almost kills Margaret's parents*

Margaret: MOMMMMMMMMMMMM DADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Margaret's parents: well fuck u wanna do a mannonball into the pool

*lands*

CJ: RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR *knocks Margaret off helicopter*

Margaret: I HAVE A BAE LITERALLY CALM THE FUCK DOWN CJ

Mordecai: lol wut

Margaret's dad: lol wut

CJ: lol wut

Margaret's Boyfriend: lol hi guyz wut up

Margaret: SO SHUT THE FUCK UP THEN

Mordecai: thank god *lands helicopter*

CJ: *cries*

Mordecai: yo bitch i got u cake

CJ: you might as well take that cake and shove it up my ass mordecai

Mordecai: lol ok

CJ: IT's A FIGURE OF SPEECH YOU MORON

Mordecai: oh

CJ: I FUCKED UP. I ALMOST KILLED DIS BITCH'S PARENTS-

Margaret: will u please stop referring to me as "bitch"

CJ: ANNNNNNYWAAAAYYYS I ALMOST KILLED THEM ALL OVER NOTHING

Mordecai: yeah u did that....

CJ: I HAVE TO LEAVE I'M HAVING FEELZ

*CJ runs off as "You Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovi plays in the background*

*a few months later*

Margaret: zzzzzzzzz HOLY FUCK oh my god *shoves head on couch* EILEEN GET YOUR MOLE ASS IN HERE

Eileen: oh god not this shit again

Margaret: I don't actually have a bae! I made the whole thing up so CJ wouldn't kick my ass! WHAT DO I DO

Eileen: Tell the truth?

Margaret: bitch pls

*knocking on door*

Eileen: you know that bitch that almost killed your parents? well, she's here

Margaret: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE *opens the door*

CJ: Hey, Margaret! :3

Margaret: Hey, uh, CJ...

CJ: Look I'm sorry for pretty much the whole time that I've known you with killing your parents, destruction and all that other shit, but can we get to know each other a little bit? You can bring your bae if you want!

Margaret: KEWL

CJ: Awesome! *leaves*

Margaret: OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE

Eileen: Get Del here

Margaret: YO DEL CAN YOU PRETEND TO BE MY SUGAR DADDY FOR THE DAY

Del: lol sure

Margaret: RIGBY COME UP WITH A SCRIPT

Rigby: k

Del: *literally fucks everything up*

CJ: he cool

Margaret: ikr

Del: how you guys doing (ohhhhh dis is da best ass ive felt all my life)

Margaret: good I guess (get your fucking meat sticks off my ass)

Margaret: YOU'RE FUCKING EVERYTHING UP

Del: i know

Margaret: RIGBY DEL IS-

Rigby: fuck u bitch *hangs up*

Mordecai: i like del. hes pretty cool

Margaret: lol yeah

Mordecai: :>

Margaret:(oh my god mordecai's adorable as shit) DEL IS NOT ACTUALLY-

Bar: LOL HERE COMES A FUCKIN KISS CAM TO LITERALLY FUCK EVERYTHING UP. AND NOW LET'S "COINCIDENTALLY" POINT IT TOWARDS MARGARET AND DEL TROLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Margaret: oh god i have to kiss this ass pincher

Del: come on gimme a kiss

Margaret: NO GO FUCK YOURSELF

Audience: shit

CJ: im sorry what the fuck did you just say

Margaret: HE'S NOT ACTUALLY MY BAE I MADE THE WHOLE THING UP SO YOU WOULDN'T KILL ME

CJ: lol that's fine except you fuckin lied to me u bitch.

Margaret: i know...

CJ: YOU HAVE FEELZ FOR MORDECAI DON'T YOU? YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME BUT I'M PUTTING YOU ON THE SPOT SO YOU KINDA HAVE TO

Margaret: OKAY FINE I DO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY

Mordecai: oh fuck no

CJ: fuck u bitch

*storms out*

Margaret: Morde-

Mordecai: NO WAIT DON'T LEAVE ME HERE IN THIS AWKWARD SITUATION

Margaret: fuck

[mordecai-put-your-phone-away]

Mordecai's Love Life Abridged - The Thrilling Saga

Mordecai: *sees Margaret*

Mordecai: HOLY S HTI I C ANNOT BREA THE SHE SMOKIN HOT

Rigby: Go ask her out! She seems nice...

Mordecai: lol wut

Rigby: Go ask lady pecs out

Mordecai: You kiddin me, I ain't doin that shit

Rigby: UGHHHGHGHGHGGHGHGH

*five episodes later*

Mordecai: Alright, imma do it. I'm gonna do it

Margaret: Hey dude wassup?

Mordecai: Do you wanna... fuck.

Margaret: WHAT?!

Mordecai: Nevermind NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE *runs back to Rigby*

Rigby: Dude!

Mordecai: I tried man, I really did try

*he eventually makes up with Margaret and hangs around with her for four seasons not getting anywhere*

Mordecai: I'm gonna kiss that hot piece of shit

Rigby: Oh lord...

Mordecai: it'll be easy!

Rigby: DO IT OR YOU'LL HAVE TO WEAR A DIAPER

Mordecai: wtf

Rigby: DO IT FOR THE VINE

Mordecai: Ughhhhhhhhhhh

Margaret: What's this shit I'm hearing about a bet?

Mordecai: No.

Margaret: FUCK YOU MORDECAI. FUCK YOU. *runs off*

Mordecai: Noooooooooooooooo!!!!

Margaret: Oh you want me to save your sorry little ass from freezing to death? Tell me how you REALLY feel about me.

Mordecai: OKAY FINE I LIKE YOU, OKAY?

Margaret: *nearly kisses him*

Margaret: Fuck you you piece of shit

*a few episodes later*

Eileen: HORY SHIT GUYS A FUCKIN METEOR SHOWER IS GONNA HIT THIS TOWN WITH A BANG *inside her head* hello Rigby you rabie-filled hottie.

Mordecai: Cool! I'll be there.

Rigby: ACTUALLY DO IT THIS TIME YOU WUSS.

*meteor shower hits*

Mordecai: Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Rigby: DO IT.

Mordecai: Stahp im emotionally unstable

Old potato guy: Bruh

Mordecai: Ughhhhh. Yo Margaret you wanna kiss?

*makes out*

Margaret: That was a great meteor shower (what the fuck just happened)

*dates for awhile*

Mordecai: Yo Margaret

Margaret: Goin' to college! Fuck you.

*loud emotional crying from Mordecai*

CJ: Hey Mordecai, I'm a cool ass cloud that puts up with zero shit, have all the same interests as you, and I kill people. You wanna date?

Mordecai: gee, I don't know, you're pretty cool, but-

Rigby: DO NOT.

Mordecai: Fine.

CJ: sick

*hangs out for awhile*

Eileen: GO ON A FUCKIN DATE ALREADY

Mordecai and CJ: wut

Eileen: DO IT.

Mordecai: Fine, u down fo dis CJ?

CJ: sure

*date than ends with drama and Mordecai and CJ becoming canon*

Mordecai: I luv this cloud

Rigby: STAHP

Mordecai: What?!

Rigby: SPEND MORE TIME WIT ME

Mordecai: ... bruh

Rigby: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*a few months later*

Margaret: Surprise bitch

Mordecai: THE FUCK

Margaret: I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me

Mordecai: No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

CJ: Hey Morde-

Mordecai: Shut the fuck up

CJ: What?

Margaret: Hey CJ!

CJ: Hi, I'm Mordo's bitch now

Margaret: WAT

Mordecai: I, ummmm

Margaret: No, it's cool! You need to be happy!

Mordecai: thx

*hug*

Mordecai: I AIN'T LETTIN GO OF YOU

Margaret: ME EITHER

*makes out*

CJ: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Mordecai: well shit

Margaret: oh...

*runs out crying*

Mordecai: NO PLZ FORGIVE ME

Eileen: Dis bitch is now my roommate. fuck you.

Margaret: you done fucked up Mordecai

Mordecai: ...

Mordecai: i fucked up. fuck

*the next day*

Mordecai: what up cj

CJ: why the did you invite me to this shithole of a coffee shop

Mordecai: idk what happened

CJ: Bitch plz

Mordecai: Here's a bunch of butt-shaped gifts

CJ: OH MY GOD I FORGIVE YOU I FUCKIN LOVE BUTTS

Margaret: IM GOIN TO CALL MORDY AT THE WRONG FUCKING TIME. YO MORDY

CJ: who the fuck is this bitch

Mordecai: The bitch I kissed

CJ: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.

*more sad music*

Mordecai: fuck you margaret... fuck you...

Sad Sax Guy: IF YOU HAVIN GURL PROBLEMS I FELL BAD FO YOU SON I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A BITCH AINT ONE

Mordecai: shut up and help me cj fuckin hates my guts

Sad Sax Guy: Get the bitch you kissed here

Mordecai: Fine

*at the park*

Mordecai: Wut up bitch

Margaret: I don't want to get involved even though I should have stopped you from kissing me but I went along with it anyway, so fuck you.

Mordecai: You're a good friend

*hugs*

CJ: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Mordecai: goddammit...

Sad Sax Guy: Lol just put up a bunch of cheap-ass performances fo her

Mordecai: thanks lmao

CJ: is this a fuckin joke

Mordecai: Yo up Cee- *gets hit by bus*

CJ: JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU OKAY

Mordecai: Yeah, thing is.... are you?

CJ: Feelin' great *slaps him on head with board* bye asshole

Rigby: Are you insane?!

Mordecai: lol wut

Rigby: STAHP LISTENING TO A WEIRD SHIRTLESS GUY WHO PLAYS THE SAXOPHONE FOR SOME WEIRD REASON

Mordecai: Ugh.

Sad Sax Guy: Go to your older bitch's house

Mordecai: You mean my mom's?

Sad Sax Guy: ...

*goes to mom's house*

Mordecai's Mom: You done fucked up Mordecai

Mordecai: I KNOW. HELP ME.

Mordecai's Mom: Sway her in.

Mordecai: Fine.

*goes outside*

Mordecai: Rigby, tell dis bitch to look outside

Rigby: Look outside

CJ: Awwwwwww...

*at hospital*

CJ: Why the fuck did you kiss that bitch

Mordecai: I HAD FEELZ FOR MARGARET AND SEEING HER BROUGHT DOS FEELZ BACK I'M SORRY PLEASE TAKE ME BACK IT WAS MY FAULT.

CJ: Fine.

*makes out*

Sad Sax Guy: Happy holidays, asshole.

*a month later*

Eileen: YOU GUYZ WANNA SEE SOME FUCKIN SEA TURTS

CJ, Mordecai, and Rigby: sure

Eileen: YO MARGARET YOU WANNA SEE

CJ: no

Eileen: wat

CJ: NO.

Eileen: Oh. Right.

*in the car*

CJ: you had to kiss dat bitch didnt u mordecai

Mordecai: I HAD FEELZ FOR HER I'M SORRY FO DA LAST TIME.

*drama with spa shit happens*

CJ: Goddammit.

*calls Margaret*

Margaret: YOOOOOOO CHECK OUT THESE ASSHOLES USIN' TURTLES FO THEIR SPA SHIT, HOW DA FUCK DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ANIMAL CRUELTY?

*a bunch of shit goes down*

Eileen: THX MARGARET FO SAVING OUR ASS

CJ: I called her u know...

Eileen: CJ AWWWWWWWWWW

*group hug with margaret*

CJ: bitch what the fuck do u think you're doing

Margaret: #awkward

Eileen: SHUT UP AND HUG ME

CJ: i came to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now

*a month later*

Mordecai: HOLY SHIT A PARTY IS GOIN DOWN AT DAT OTHER BITCH'S HOUSE. YO C-

CJ: lol no i'd rather pick up garbage than do that

Rigby: Oh right, because-

Mordecai: Shut the fuck up Rigby. Look, I'll get u some of dat cake cause u a bae.

CJ: THANK YOU MORDECAI *hugs*

Mordecai: *sees Margaret*

Mordecai: NOPE *runs into bathroom*

Rigby: dude... what the fuck...

Mordecai: I AIN'T FUCKIN ANYTHING UP IN HERE

Rigby: bruh...

Mordecai: Fine...

Margaret's Dad: YO DIAPER BOY I GOT A SEAT IN THE HELI FO YA YOU WANNA RIDE WIT DA FAM?

Mordecai: shit

*goes onto helicopter*

Margaret: How's the park? :)

Mordecai: FUCK HER RIGHT IN DA PUSSY

Margaret: stahp acting weird oh my god...

Mordecai: I HAVE TO U DON'T UNDERSTAND

CJ: lol so some bitch got burned by a river and... what the fuck is my bitch doing with that bitch...

Mordecai: oh no. don't.

CJ: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT MORDECAI I AM DONE TRUSTING YOU YOU PIECE OF GODDAMN BIRD SHIT YOU CAN GO SUCK ON MARGARET'S EGGS FOR ALL I CARE *rages*

Mordecai: NO STAHP I'VE BEEN TELLIN YOU A HUNDRED FUCKIN TIMES I AM NOT WIT THIS BITCH ANYMORE

CJ: LIAR

*almost kills Margaret's parents*

Margaret: MOMMMMMMMMMMMM DADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Margaret's parents: well fuck u wanna do a mannonball into the pool

*lands*

CJ: RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR *knocks Margaret off helicopter*

Margaret: I HAVE A BAE LITERALLY CALM THE FUCK DOWN CJ

Mordecai: lol wut

Margaret's dad: lol wut

CJ: lol wut

Margaret's Boyfriend: lol hi guyz wut up

Margaret: SO SHUT THE FUCK UP THEN

Mordecai: thank god *lands helicopter*

CJ: *cries*

Mordecai: yo bitch i got u cake

CJ: you might as well take that cake and shove it up my ass mordecai

Mordecai: lol ok

CJ: IT's A FIGURE OF SPEECH YOU MORON

Mordecai: oh

CJ: I FUCKED UP. I ALMOST KILLED DIS BITCH'S PARENTS-

Margaret: will u please stop referring to me as "bitch"

CJ: ANNNNNNYWAAAAYYYS I ALMOST KILLED THEM ALL OVER NOTHING

Mordecai: yeah u did that....

CJ: I HAVE TO LEAVE I'M HAVING FEELZ

*CJ runs off as "You Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovi plays in the background*

*a few months later*

Margaret: zzzzzzzzz HOLY FUCK oh my god *shoves head on couch* EILEEN GET YOUR MOLE ASS IN HERE

Eileen: oh god not this shit again

Margaret: I don't actually have a bae! I made the whole thing up so CJ wouldn't kick my ass! WHAT DO I DO

Eileen: Tell the truth?

Margaret: bitch pls

*knocking on door*

Eileen: you know that bitch that almost killed your parents? well, she's here

Margaret: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE *opens the door*

CJ: Hey, Margaret! :3

Margaret: Hey, uh, CJ...

CJ: Look I'm sorry for pretty much the whole time that I've known you with killing your parents, destruction and all that other shit, but can we get to know each other a little bit? You can bring your bae if you want!

Margaret: KEWL

CJ: Awesome! *leaves*

Margaret: OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE

Eileen: Get Del here

Margaret: YO DEL CAN YOU PRETEND TO BE MY SUGAR DADDY FOR THE DAY

Del: lol sure

Margaret: RIGBY COME UP WITH A SCRIPT

Rigby: k

Del: *literally fucks everything up*

CJ: he cool

Margaret: ikr

Del: how you guys doing (ohhhhh dis is da best ass ive felt all my life)

Margaret: good I guess (get your fucking meat sticks off my ass)

Margaret: YOU'RE FUCKING EVERYTHING UP

Del: i know

Margaret: RIGBY DEL IS-

Rigby: fuck u bitch *hangs up*

Mordecai: i like del. hes pretty cool

Margaret: lol yeah

Mordecai: :>

Margaret:(oh my god mordecai's adorable as shit) DEL IS NOT ACTUALLY-

Bar: LOL HERE COMES A FUCKIN KISS CAM TO LITERALLY FUCK EVERYTHING UP. AND NOW LET'S "COINCIDENTALLY" POINT IT TOWARDS MARGARET AND DEL TROLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Margaret: oh god i have to kiss this ass pincher

Del: come on gimme a kiss

Margaret: NO GO FUCK YOURSELF

Audience: shit

CJ: im sorry what the fuck did you just say

Margaret: HE'S NOT ACTUALLY MY BAE I MADE THE WHOLE THING UP SO YOU WOULDN'T KILL ME

CJ: lol that's fine except you fuckin lied to me u bitch.

Margaret: i know...

CJ: YOU HAVE FEELZ FOR MORDECAI DON'T YOU? YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME BUT I'M PUTTING YOU ON THE SPOT SO YOU KINDA HAVE TO

Margaret: OKAY FINE I DO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY

Mordecai: oh fuck no

CJ: fuck u bitch

*storms out*

Margaret: Morde-

Mordecai: NO WAIT DON'T LEAVE ME HERE IN THIS AWKWARD SITUATION

Margaret: fuck