#HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ACT NORMAL AND DO REAL LIFE STUFF WHEN THIS IS IN MY HEAD.

[nbmudkip]

i got to act 3 of isat. *shaking violently*

[persistentplums]

No matter what you think about Brock and Rusty one thing is true they raised those boys together. And anyone will tell you kids pick up qualities of their guardians/parents which influences how they go about things.

The influence of Brock on Hank is simple, it’s the one the show starts off with and we see easily throughout the show. I wish they could’ve done more with Dean and Brock, unfortunately they don’t overlap enough to do something with but when they have overlapped the small moments, you stretch it you can see the impact Brock has on Dean.

“He believes in this stuff, not like Hank.”

“I have watched you pull a man eye from his head, made him dance like marionette with his own optic nerves.” “At least I didn’t break his heart.”

Heart is Brock entire thing. He is punished for his act of heart going against OSI and getting Billy and Pete together, him racing back in PROM, his attachment to the Ventures, and funny enough his lack of any real love life is because Brock does things true to his heart even when he’s not supposed to (“you’re a tool for the government.”)

That’s super easy to see in Hank, he follows his guns, jumps in, doesn’t second guess if he’s wrong. For Dean it comes out in belief of there being Good Guys. Something Brock shares. For a man who has no real issue with murder the idea of “Good guys” is a thing he sticks with very seriously. Dean copies this to a Dorky level coming off naive but it’s literally the same packaged differently.

Hank knows though everyone is just some guy, a bad guy or a good guy you are just some guy. A lot like his dad in that respect, when you understand this is all a game you can’t really bother with genuinely thinking of sides just how you interact within it. (Hank not really put off about dating Sirena even if her dad is his dad arch. That’s more of an obstacle that they are put into arch and protag categories so he can’t date her normally bc it’s not an actual *thing* for him)

Dean however is under the firm belief there are sides, they can work together sometimes bc he’s seen it, but like Brock, he believes in sides and gets riled up by it.

Speaking of riled up, Dean has Brock temper. I didn’t think much about it to be honest, it shows itself twice physically (Rusty Camp, radiant of the baboon) but when I hop around episodes now I see it in newer episodes. Dean temper is similar to Brock when he is really pushed off the need to protect or save another quality that is picked up by Brock.

Brock aggression is something Dean who is used to seeing it come out when he, hank and doc need protecting, saving, or an affective tactic. Another thing is Brock was and probably still is both boys example of classic masculinity in contrast to their dad (I’ll get back to this on another post.) I think Dean unintentionally mimics it, and I kinda believe we would’ve seen more of it if Dean was put into more situations where he was worried for someone else since the Rusty camp one was for Triana and the movie was for Hank. (Both against Dermontt which shouldn’t count but I am which I will get to in a different post about jealousy in VB)

Brock is the stereotypical “man” he protects the home, he kills to protect, his basics are that man spiel I don’t need to say we know it. Brock masculinity is never questioned really, it oozes out of him and is loudly punctuated. When it comes to sex it’s the same thing, to a problem. I think Dean inherited that, im not saying the one time Dean did a shitty sex related thing makes him like Brock but I actually think it’s more of a Brock move than Rusty weirdly enough. Probably because Brock has hooked up with people wives/gf but that’s not the reason why I say it.

Dean reason with hooking up with Sirena wasn’t really solid, because I don’t think there was a solid reason he did it just because it was happening. That’s why I think it’s more of a Brock move. Rusty we’ve seen talked himself out of being with women who even like him, yes he hooked up with a fan bc she was a fan. She wasn’t someone who can end up seeing his flaws, end up maybe loving back because love is frightening for Rusty because he wants it. If there was a room and a woman who was slightly interested in Rusty, Rusty would magically get out of the room then COMPLAIN he is out the room. We see it repeatedly he will make up reasons really get in his head to jump ship only to stick to people who don’t love him. Or like him.

Hank is the same line but opposite, he is open to love! Yes like Brock his attention to who is quick and focused but Hank is committed because he wants to be loved. Hank is scared of not being loved, he worries although less obviously or loudly about it, and leans hard into it. Action man called him on it, that he resembles Rusty in being downright too attached.

I’ll be honest here it’s so unlikely to actually see it but once you see the Rusty in Hank you’ll end up seeing the Brock in Dean. I remember a YouTube comment saying “Dean is all the negatives [of other people] it’s why I don’t like him.”

I don’t hate Dean, I don’t love Dean but I get Dean so while I don’t 100% agree with that comment I do get it. Dean picks up sometimes the worst traits because he’s so easy to imprint on. He’s funny like that, weirdly easy to leave an impression on but unaware how he repeats things of people he doesn’t want to. Brock being promiscuous, Rusty nostalgic past, the idea of what is important to a man etc Dean mimics it unknowingly. I don’t think that was the root of hooking up with Sirena, (bc the reason is bs yall) I’m just thinking of domino effect of parenting.

There’s a lot of Rusty in Dean literally everything Dean has is Rusty. But where they don’t match up are the core, Dean now understands his dad and they are the same brand of Venture boy but I really think Brock influence on both boys is there for good and bad it just harder to find in Dean. But I think it comes out when Dean stops letting his mind run too much, when he trusts himself, when he’s standing up for something, when he lets his body drive.

But I’m just spitballing! I just don’t believe Dean is all Doc, just like Hank isn’t all Brock. We just didn’t get a lot of time with the boys switched around

[kaciebello]

One egg as the other

Masterlist Chris Rodriguez x Hades! reader (platonic) Luke Castellan x Hades! reader (implied, mentioned) Summary: Chris visits one of his favorite campers, purely just to annoy them. Warning: Insults( nothing mean, just banter), no use of y/n, fem, sibling relationship written by an only child author note: Since someone said I should write more of them, hope I did you justice my guy. English is not my first language so I am sorry for any mistakes beforehand. Proofread by me and me only (Ｔ▽Ｔ) word count: 1,1k

Chris busts the door open, not even bothering to knock. Normally he would have, but he had seen Luke just seconds ago helping some kids with their swords. He knew there was no danger in the room. Expect the Hades girl, but she posed no real danger to him.

“WAKE UP!” He yelled and walked in like he owned the place. The girl, who was standing near her table, turned around and looked at him confused.

“It's noon, we've seen each other at breakfast.” She said, turning her whole body to him and leaning on the table. He takes long steps toward her. His remark is dead when he sees what is lying on the table. There, under a heating lamp, were half a dozen eggs.

“Aw did you lay all of those? I'm so proud of you.” He says and pats the girl on her shoulder. Making sure she knows she did a good job. She shrugs his hand off

“Choke.”

“I rather not.” He says leaning closer to the eggs. He sees some markings on them. Turning to her, with no words he just pointed to the eggs. She sighs and gets up, walking to her bed to look for something in her bag.

“Goose eggs, some aphrodite kids gave them to me as a thank you for giving them scar cream.” She says, setting the bag aside and walking to the door. Crish gave one last glance at the eggs before following her.

He walked downstairs and into the medic room where she was now making sure the bed was tidy. Fluffing up the pillows and straightening the blanket.

“So what's on the agenda today?” He asks and sneaks behind her. Narrowly avoiding her as she walked away to grab the clipboard.

“ I am supposed to find what medicine we're running low on and report to Chiron, you are supposed to be with Luke, and if I'm not mistaken you're not at archery practice.” She says turning to him, only to see the way lying on the bed she just made. She gave him a death stare and he just gave her a wide grin.

“I will cheat physics and slam you through the wall if you don't shut up.” She said. His smile did not drop as he sat on the bed.

“How do you know my schedule? Stalker much?” He says and slicks his hair back.

“I know Luke's schedule, considering you follow his like a lost puppy, i have a pretty good idea of yours.” Crash just huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. He would say some remark. He should say some remark, but sadly nothing was coming to his mind.

“I didn't know you and Luke were like that.” He says at the end. The girl just gives him a pointer look. Just as he was about to defend himself, it was like the Bloody Mary or Beetlejuice came to life themselves.

 In walks Luke, his stride unbroken, with a smile that could be seen from miles away. Seems like they have said his name too many times.

Cris goes unnoticed by him, as his only goal is the Hades girl. When he reaches her, he grabs her by the shoulders, tips her back, and delivers the nastiest kiss Cris has ever seen. When he flips them back up again, Luke his face to him. He mumbles something to the girl. Before she could tell him they were not alone, Chris acts.

“EEEEEEWWWW.” Luke's eyes snap to him and he goes instantly red. Chris makes gagging sounds, almost making it sound like he is physically sick. Luke looks so startled he just smiles at the girl before bolting out.

“Why do you always do this stuff around me!” Chris cries out. She just turns to him with a death glare again.

“Why are you always around when we do this stuff?”

“Nah because, ya down bad!”

“You're down bad for Clarrise!” She argues back. Chris gives her an offended look.

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yuh-uh!”

Their banter went back and forth. At some point, Percy showed up at the house but quickly turned around at the door when he heard them. 

“What do you even want here?” She asked, he had to be here for something. She very much believed that Luke would let him slack off of practice.

“Oh yeah! I was kinda stabbed.” He says, turning his arm to the girl. It was obvious that his stab wound was just a scratch that wasn't even bleeding. Scab already formed on in. Nothing that the Apollo kids would even look at. She tugged his arm hard to her. Inspecting the wound.

She clicks her tongue and lets it go. Before turning around and going to her box of band-aids. fishing out one with Hello Kitty she makes her way back to him and places it on the scratch.

“Hey, I wanted the one with Spiderman.” He says looking at the bright pink bandaid on his arm. Anyone could see it. He wanted nobody to see it. She made sure that everybody saw it.

“Get out.” She says to him. He didn't even argue, his eyes glued to the bainaid. When he tried to take it off, it was like it was glued to his skin.

“What have you done?” He asked her, still trying to scřratch it off. She just smiled and pointed to the door.

“Nothing princess, now get out.” She was now pushing him out. He made sure to dig his heel into the ground to make it harder for her. When he got to the door he stopped. He stepped over the threshold and she sighed out of relive. She celebrated her victory too early tho. 

“Don't worry, Clarisse will dig it.” Just like that, Chris jumped back and grabbed the girl in a headlock. She yelped and tried to wiggle herself out. He made sure to mess up her hair into a bird's nest. When he was done he let her go. She stairgtens and gasps for air. He glances at her.

“Look, the eggs have somewhere to sleep now.” With that, he sprints away. The furthest he can get from the girl that can cause sudden death just by thinking about it. He made sure to yell that one egg should be named after him. He was sure if she had one right now, it would end somewhere near his head, if not hitting it spot on.

[roonyxx]

Healing Love: Part 4

Summary: You have a normal life as a nurse, and you are content with it. But then a storm called Dean Winchester rolls into it and you get swept away by his charms. But secrets linger and threaten to drown you both.

Pairing: Dean x Witch!nurse!reader

Word count: 1160

Chapter warnings: angst, wounds and medical stuff (i am no professional and have no idea what the real treatments are), fluff.

support me :)

Healing Love Masterlist

My Masterlist

Deviders made by @firefly-graphics, give her some love!

“What are you.” he says again.

You struggle to get to your feet and look at his face, his eyes moving and alive, his chest rising with each breath.

Alive.

“I-“ how are you supposed to answer that? He will never want to see you again…

“I’m a witch, a natural witch.” You carefully say, glancing at both boys.

Will they kill you?

“I never hurt anyone. I promise.” You quickly add.

“Dean… y-you weren’t breathing, she saved you, without her magic, you would have been…” Sam doesn’t finish his sentence. You’re glad he doesn’t because you don’t want to think of that, what would have happened if you were just a normal nurse.

Dean tries to get up but hisses and grabs his stomach.

“Careful!” you say “I had enough to pull you back and fix the worse of the damage but you still have a long way to go.”

Dean looks up at you, his green eyes that are usually filled with joy are now cold and angry.

“Why did you lie to me. Do you have something to hide?” he snaps at you.

“Wh-what? No, of course not. I just- I figured out you were a hunter and- and well… hunters don’t care about what I do. They see my powers and go straight to the killing option.”

“Did you curse me? Made some spell so I would like you? what do you want?”

“Of course not! I didn’t do anything! I didn’t curse you! I just want to help you.” you explain.

“Sam can help me. Leave.”

“Dean…” Sam tries to reason.

“Your bandages still need changing so unless you want to die of infection, I need to see you at least every two days. Sam doesn’t know how to do it and I doubt another nurse will come all the way here, for free.” You cross your arms over your chest.

He might hate you now but that’s no reason for you to stop helping Dean.

“Once you’re all healed, I’ll disappear from your life.” You say.

The only respons you get is a grunt.

You turn and leave before he can see your tears fall.

The next two week pass slowly. You see Dean every two days and he doesn’t say a word. He’s very cold towards you, but at least he is healing.

Sam came to thank you and apologized for Dean’s behavior. He mentions his brother has trust issues.

It’s hard for you because you never hurt anyone, all you want to do is help. And to have Dean acting so cold hurts even more.

When you come in the bunker today, there is a woman there, talking to Sam.

You never saw her before.

You make your way down the stairs.

“Oh, hi Y/n.” Sam kindly smiles at you.

The older woman turns around and takes you in, “Ah so this is the famous witch who saved Dean.” Her accent gives a funny twist to her words.

Your magic rises in you at sensing her magic. She’s a witch, and a powerful one.

She sticks her hand out towards you, “Rowena, nice to meet you. So rare to find a natural witch these days, you aren’t looking for a coven, are you?”

You hesitantly shake her hand, “Y/n, and no. I have no interest in joining a coven.”

“A pity.” Rowena sighs and turns back to Sam.

“As I told your brother, aside from the healing magic there is no proof of other spells used. Dean seemed surprised when I told him that.” She tells Sam.

is that why this witch is here? Why isn’t Dean pissed at her? Perhaps it’s just you he hates.

“He’s in his room?” you interrupt the conversation and leave to do your work when Sam nods.

You knock.

“Yes.” You hear Dean say from the other side.

You come in and go straight to work, not even looking him in the eyes, but you can feel his stare burning into the side of your face.

You lift his shirt and start cleaning the bandages and his wound.

“It’s healing well.” You say out loud.

“It’s hurting less.” He tells you and you look up at him.

He sounds almost normal, that hateful glint in his eyes is gone.

You look back down and continue working.

“So you are talking to me, and letting in other witches that you apparently don’t hate.”

“I don’t hate you and I- I need her to check something.” He answers.

“Check if I cursed you? I didn’t.” you say.

“I know. She told me. I just…” he sighs and you look at him “I��ve been used so many times before, I was afraid it was happening again. And- and I didn’t want that because i- I really like you, Y/n.”

You’re staring at him, a little baffled. You weren’t expecting this.

“You treated me horribly when all I did was help you.” you tell him.

“I know…” he bats his eyes down, “I don’t deserve your help.” He mutters.

You sigh and touch his hand, “I can understand how you feel. But you hurt me. I can’t just jump back to what we had.”

He nods, “I understand” then a dark chuckle, “even when something good happens to me, I manage to ruin it.”

“You still have a chance, Dean. But I will need time, okay? You can start with being flirty again, I missed that.” You give him a small smile.

The smile he gives you makes all the tension in your body leave. You almost forgot how his smile can light up a whole room.

“I missed you too, Y/n. Thank you for giving me another chance.” He reaches out and touches your cheek.

You lean into his palm, “I guess you have questions?”

“I do, what is a natural witch? Rowena said they are rare.”

“I was born a witch, like my mother, and I draw my power from nature. I don’t need to do rituals or have contact with demons to have powers.” You explain while finishing up his bandage.

“And you can heal?” he asks, “or do other things to?”

“Healing is my main signet yes. I can also levitate some objects and feel the presence of other magic. Like the sigils in the bunker.”

“That’s so cool.” He moves a little to the side to make room for you in his bed.

“Would you lay with me while I ask more? I want to know everything.” He says.

“You just want me in your bed.” You chuckle and get comfy next to him.

“Why not both?” he grins at you.

You gently slap his shoulder and snuggle into his side, his scent a balm to your aching heart.

You spend the whole evening talking about your powers and explaining everything to him.

You don’t even remember when you fell asleep in his arms.

But you do know that it was the best sleep you had in weeks.

Forever Tags 2024: @jay-and-dean @flamencodiva @snowlovespie @awkward-and-indecisive @hobby27 @kazsrm67 @foxyjwls007

Dean tags 2024: @akshi8278 @pink-sparkly-witch @verytoadpapersoul @eevvvaa @muhahaha303 @alwaystiredandconfused @deansimpalababy @globetrotter28 @aylacavebear

Healing Love tags: @deans-spinster-witch @kr804573 @suckitands33 @bitchykittenconnoisseur @brightlilith @snowayumi @ailalovegood @shanimallina87 @stoneyggirl2 @chriszgirl92 @neptua

send me an ask if you want to be on any of my tag lists! (or if you want to be removed)

[syoddeye]

feel free to ignore this one-

i have been a big fan of fanfiction for a while and recently got into cod. and ive noticed a lot of poetic writers tend to head down the noncon/ddne territory, and i guess it’s always a conflict for me?

cus it’s beautiful, but always so fucking sickening. nasty stuff for sure. and being one of my favorite authors, i guess im asking if you believe the writing is supposed to justify it? romaticize it- instead of condemning? maybe it slips past me but im always unsure if the writing is supposed to be seen as strictly art that divulges into the depths of a dark mind and a bad man- or it’s indulging in a fantasy.

im breaking from my comfortable shell from the ‘white picket fence happy ending cute tale’ fanfiction and actually really enjoying reading dark fics because good ones do such a wonderful job at toeing the ‘this is so beautiful but I feel like vomiting’ line- but in the back of my mind i wonder if it’s supposed to be read in a positive light- like the assaulter is…good?

im a bit new to it all which is why I guess there’s a shred of shame in it, because I don’t like the actions in ddne. they’re unsettling, gross (unfeminist? unsure) - but the writing is often times why i have to finish them because it’s jus so beautiful, pulls you in. your guts are all shriveled but your mind is wide awake and your mouth is wide open like you’re trying to swallow the poetry whole (not to be dramatic).

have you ever felt this? or am i jus like. vanilla.

hey friend, thanks for your patience on this.

i know you’ve already reached back out and i’m glad the links shared here helped. i’m gonna respond to both asks here because i don’t want to break your anonymity without your consent.

i’m also disabling reblogs. everything below this is my opinion and experiences. other folks will obviously feel differently. (if any of my smart and talented friends want to chime in or correct me, please do.)

first, i respect and appreciate your openness. you are kind and your thoughtfulness shines through both messages. feeling conflicted about complicated and difficult topics is normal. not to get all woo-ey off the bat, but we’re human beings. this is our first time planetside and all that. it’s important to cut yourself some slack. this post is generally how i see it:

“the human brain is weird. sex fantasies ≠ actual desires. if you ask yourself, “would i want to act out this thing in real life” and the answer is “fuck no,” then you’re fine. shipping is also not an indicator of what you would condone in real life. you are not secretly a monster. you are a human being. human beings are complicated.”

you ask: [do] you believe the writing is supposed to justify it? romanticize it- instead of condemning?

no, and this is where i think the posts i shared help. i do not believe dead dove or dark fic justifies sexual assault and rape, in the same way i do not believe games or horror films make people violent.

you also share:

“maybe it slips past me but im always unsure if the writing is supposed to be seen as strictly art that divulges into the depths of a dark mind and a bad man- or it’s indulging in a fantasy.” “in the back of my mind i wonder if it’s supposed to be read in a positive light”

this just tells me you’re engaging with fiction in a normal way. it’s normal to process how a story affects you. when reading fiction that depicts the disgusting, there’s a chance you feel disgusted. you remind me of how i felt when i first started reading dark fic. i had to unpack and grapple with years of being told any sexual fantasy that wasn’t heterosexual + monogamous + only explored after marriage was a one-way ticket to superhell and made me an awful person. surprise, it doesn't!

again, i’ll echo my first reply in case anyone needs to see it again: content warnings and tags aside, if readers hit an unexpected limit/boundary/landmine in a fic that they know will adversely impact or trigger them, they need to exit immediately. disengaging from fanfic is a reader’s responsibility. no one is forcing anyone to read fanfic, and no one should feel like they have to finish fanfic because it’s beautifully written, at the expense of their well-being. 

(to note, because i don’t want folks to think i’m ignoring it, but i’m not going to wade into what’s feminist or not when it comes to fiction. i think that’s a whole other discussion and i’m not in the headspace to engage.)

(another note, semi-related - something that continually frustrates me in the broader discussion of dead dove and dark fanfic is the pressure for victims to share personal information to justify their opinion, no matter where it falls. while i do share some stuff about my personal life, i do have limits. i’ve been asked point blank in my ask box and ao3 comments if i’ve ever been sexually assaulted, because some folks feel entitled to that information to ‘justify’ my writing about it. people can and will make their assumptions, but i will never divulge that info here, on tumblr.com, of all places. that’s a hard line for me.)

to your second message, i am sincerely happy that those links helped. it really boils down to ‘it doesn’t equal your actual desires’. you said it was a huge relief to see that, and it is! again! i felt a galaxy brain moment when i stopped hating myself for liking darkfic. reading/writing dark fic isn't an endorsement.

and and and not to sound like your grandpapa out on the porch, but now that i know your age—you are young. do not beat yourself up for learning or not knowing your limits just yet. i am in my 30s and learning shit about myself all the time. i’ll be 60 and having lightbulb moments reading fanfic.

okay. i think i’ve yapped enough. linking to early’s post again because it’s so, so good.

[paradoxoftrees]

GUYS WTF

A mini rant before I actually go to bed:

*inhales* So I just watched the Dragon Prince season 6 and all I can say is wtf. Actually wtf. I am still up to this moment thinking about Leola I’m not even kidding. What happened here was a disgrace to the freaking universe itself (while providing Aaravos a very generous dose of my sympathy, affirming my reasons for obsessing over this elf).

i know I have this thing where I like analyzing stuff to death, so I’m gonna take a good moment to put our short time with Leola under a microscope…

To me, I see this innocent character as an embodiment of individuality and the uncertainty and fear society associates with it. Our society itself is very saturated with this stigma and disgust regarding self expression, as those who defy what people define as “normal” always seem to be the subject of hatred. Being odd, or unconventional is twisted into something negative, with people interpreting it as something to gain attention or something to purposely defy norms for the sake of doing so. Leola very much symbolizes this treatment. She is even defined as being “quirky”, a word used to scrutinize and criminalize the act of expressing oneself in modern society. This particular word confirms to me that Leola is supposed to represent the battle between normalcy and individualism that exists here on this earth. I cant help but feel so horrible for this elf child. No, she is not attention seeking, insecure, inferior, and most of all, she is NOT a criminal. She is a child who is simply in tune with herself and accepting of herself, and therefore, has the capacity to extend this beyond herself into the literal universe. How powerful is that? Her acceptance and sheer self expression are contagious. And that is interpreted as something toxic, from the perspective of those who cannot possibly find that sort of love within their empty and hateful souls. So they, and many those in our own little society, decide to exterminate it. This fictional cosmic balance is our real life societal balance. And the show’s portrayal of her during her final moments made this even more devastating. At the very end, she was a scared child. A scared child who wanted nothing more to live within the world that she loved so much. I can say that this flashback was horrendously and beautifully well done at the same time.

And I don’t even want to talk about Aaravos… but I will. Honestly the idea of this snarky af space-themed elf being an actual parent was odd at first, but I instantly felt a kind of gut wrenching sorrow for this fictional character that I haven’t felt for anything else in a LONG time. Hes so freaking skrunkly, overwhelmingly so. Seeing this elf being capable of love really hit hard like nothing else, knowing that his alarmingly heinous acts were driven by this all-consuming grief. Knowing that this villainous blue elf had such a soft past, and such a torturous present, made me want to unwrite those damn cosmic court (whatever it’s called) elves out of the very script itself. Seeing the very moment when Aaravos’s face just snapped as his daughter was literally murdered just… yeah no words.

I genuinely hope Aaravos gets to talk to Leola just one last time… I just want to see this poor elf happy to be honest. For closure.

There shouldn’t be a price for individuality. But yet we pay it. Making this sweet and scared character pay this price made our own societal ignorance even more wrenching and real.

*i don’t feel getter now. Guess I got to make a fanfic where things are better.*

[rinwritiesbutitssecret]

new story part one!!!!

Today was a good day, until it wasn’t.

I suppose it started when I woke up at 7. 7 pm.

Late for most, not for me. 

I should be attending school, but I really can’t be bothered. 

My day was pretty normal, until I drove my motorcycle off a mountain. 

Now I’m not saying I was trying, but I definitely wasn’t stopping myself. I just wanted to test it, y’know?

I guess I should give some background information. 

106 years ago, I died. Kinda.

I fell off the roof of my house and hit my head.

I technically died for a bit, then I was in a coma for 3 days. 

But apart from my body, my being took a different path. I was given the choice to come back, and I said yes.

Comatosis was honestly nice and relaxing. But the time after I woke up was anything but. 

People treated me very differently than how I was treated previously. They treated me like fine china, a glass structure that’ll break with any touch. 

Except, I literally can’t break.

Present: So yeah, I’m immortal. And every time I hit 100, I reset. Of course, it’s only happened once, so who’s to tell me when?

Honestly, it’s a bit inconvenient considering that so far I’ve been born in the wrong body twice. I am a boy. I promise. Just I don’t exactly match that body-wise. 

I thought it’d be fixed by the time I reset, but sadly, it hasn’t. 

So yeah, I’m Aster, I’m 114, and I’m immortal. 

I guess that's enough for me. 

I like to test my powers sometimes with big stunts like driving motorcycles off mountains. But in the back of my mind, there’s always a small worry—a small worry that I won’t wake up. 

The motorcycle was a bit much, but it’s a trashy one I made myself and was probably going to explode next week anyway. 

My best friend, Rae, is not very similar to me. They prefer school and staying indoors, but that’s how we balance out.

She helps me navigate the logistics part of being immortal, ID's, and such. The afterlife committee issued me a special ID, meaning I act like a 14-year-old, and the government considers me a 14-year-old. 

The afterlife committee is a lot. It consists of a lot of people, all deciding who stays and goes. Why me? I really don’t know. But I like to think it’s because I have a purpose. 

“Rae-rae….”

“Yes, Ast?”

“Can I have your math homework?”

“Aster! You have to do it yourself!”

“What fun is there in that?”

We’re lying on their bed, holding hands. We kind of just do it. I don’t know why. 

A lot of people ask if we’re dating, but I just... I don’t feel any of that sort of stuff. Rae, on the other hand, likes a lot of people. 

Again, balance. 

Monday:

Today, I’m actually attending school.

I put on my favourite black cargos, chains, and trinkets dangling off of my belt loops and pockets. I chose a white tank top I drew on in a Sharpie. And finally a nice green hoodie because it is December. 

Today is something special, hence why I’m attending. Big Man Rae-rae is having a presentation. 

I also have a presentation, technically, but with no slides and no script, I plan to do a more unique presentation style, improv.

Y’know, school isn’t that worth it to me. Math is cool and all, but the real stuff is engineering. And like, yeah, should I know math for that? Probably, but I can already code and stuff, so it’s fine.

Rae, perfectly together as always, does a great job and gets an A reporting on some smart people's book.

I, on the other hand, make up a 30 second speech on the one book I’ve read in my life, and then sit down dramatically. 

Shockingly, I fail, miserably. Lucky for me, there is no guardian to call in and instead I sit in the principal's office for like 5 minutes and promise to be better. 

“Rae-rae!”

“Yes?” The person that turns around is very much not Rae. Instead, it’s a kid I’ve never seen.

“Y- you’re not Rae…”

“Yeah. I’m Aspen.”

This Aspen kid, xyr special. I don’t know why really. Just a feeling.

Rae, in an ever spiralling romantic situation with this girl Emma, is happy to know I also have a new friend. I wonder if it’s because she wants to dump our friendship. 

She’s hoping Aspen and I will start dating. 

Aspen and I fit together like a puzzle. 

That’s how I think about it. 

Rae is my best friend, always will be, but Aspen is like best friend plus more. 

I wouldn’t say we’re dating, but definitely something close to it. 

I don’t often understand what I’m feeling. I’m weird like that. But recently, well, ever since Aspen, I haven’t really been able to describe what I feel for Xem. 

My other issue is that Aspen doesn’t exactly know I’m immortal. And if we are to extend our relationship, I feel like that could be important.

And it’s not that I don’t want to tell Xem, but I don’t know how I’m meant to bring that up. With Rae, it kinda just. Came out?

Oh, and issue number three, which, considering its importance, I probably should’ve remembered, but whatever. I’ve been summoned to the afterlife committee, meaning I’ve either royally messed up or they decided to revoke my immortality. Both aren’t great options.

[goalsongspinkthongs]

The Worst Story You Have Ever Read.

what happens what a boy tells you he knows your best kept secret?

tz x little!sisters!best!friend!

a/n: ive been writing for a while and just started a series that i might actually like, so lets hope someone else likes it too (also my writing style was heavily inspired by lemony snicket for this (idk either))

I would like to start this tale by saying, for the record, that nothing good ever happens when your best friend’s older brother is involved. It’s a truth I had learned over time, but was tragically reminded of one afternoon, in the late summer when the air was sticky and the light fell just wrong, like everything was about to fall apart, but hadn’t yet.

I am a rather ordinary girl, if you can disregard the fact that I have loved a boy—Trevor, Ava’s older brother—for as long as I can remember. It’s not that Trevor is a bad person, no. He’s the kind of person who can make you feel both invisible and incredibly visible at the same time, which is an exhausting combination when you’re a person who only wants to be invisible most of the time. I had convinced myself, long ago, that Trevor didn’t know about my feelings. And why would he? I was, after all, Ava’s best friend, a position I had never in a thousand years thought would be accompanied by such... complications.

Ava and I, we had grown up together, like two characters in a very dull and unremarkable book, one that no one would bother to read except for those with an unhealthy amount of free time. And then there was Trevor, who seemed to glide through the chapters of our lives with such effortless confidence, like some sort of heroic figure whose story had been written in a much more interesting book, one of those books you’re too afraid to open because you know once you do, the whole thing will be about how the hero burns the world down and doesn’t even care.

On this particular afternoon, however, my life—and my carefully curated collection of secrets—was about to be tossed into a volcano of very real emotions and terrible consequences. Ava, in a moment that could only be described as an act of betrayal on the grandest scale, decided to leave me alone with Trevor. Yes, alone. In a room. With no immediate escape route. It was as if she’d handed me a ticking time bomb, said "Good luck," and then casually walked out of the room, whistling as if everything were fine.

Trevor was sitting at the kitchen counter, peeling an apple with such deliberate precision that it made me feel like I was the one who was being peeled, layer by layer, with each stroke of his knife. I tried to make myself small, as I often did when the world seemed too big and too full of people who could read your every thought with just one glance. But of course, Trevor wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at the apple, and I was both grateful and horrified by this, because it meant he had no idea how loudly my heart was beating, or how my palms were sweating, or how my mind had somehow frozen into a solid block of incoherence.

And then he spoke.

“You know,” he said, casually, as if this were a perfectly normal thing to say to your best friend’s little sister, “Ava’s been talking about how much you like... well, how much you like me.”

And there it was. The unthinkable, the unspoken, the thing that I had tried so very hard to pretend wasn’t true. Ava. Ava had said something. To Trevor. About me. About how I felt.

I couldn’t remember how to breathe, which is not an exaggeration. I forgot all the things you’re supposed to say when you’re caught in a moment like this—things like "Oh, no, I don’t know what you’re talking about," or "Ava’s just joking." Instead, I blurted the only thing I could think of: “I—uh—don’t think you should listen to her. She says a lot of stuff. You know how she is.”

Trevor raised an eyebrow. It was the sort of eyebrow-raising that should have been reserved for situations in which you were confronted with a mystery that didn’t make sense, like finding a cat wearing a bow tie in the middle of the road. His gaze shifted from the apple to me. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t look embarrassed. He just looked... interested.

“I don’t think she was joking, Honey,” he said, his voice suddenly lower, smoother, like the sound of rain on pavement. “And I think you might be lying to yourself about something.”

Now, at this point, I should have done what any self-respecting person would do in this situation: run. Run as fast and as far as possible, preferably to the nearest forest where I could hide for the next hundred years. But instead, I stood there, paralyzed, and watched Trevor put down the apple, wipe his hands on a towel, and take a step closer to me.

I felt the heat of his presence before I saw it. It was a dangerous thing, this heat. It made the air feel thicker, and it made everything inside me go taut, as if I were a string being pulled so tight that at any moment I might snap. He was too close now. Too close to my fragile, ridiculous heart.

“I think,” he said, with that smile of his—half mischief, half something else that I couldn’t quite place—“that I should probably kiss you now, shouldn’t I?”

For the record, if you ever find yourself in a situation where someone says this to you, I would advise you to take a moment. A long, long moment. A moment to process the fact that the world is, quite possibly, coming to an end.

But I didn’t have a moment. I barely had time to comprehend the words, let alone how to respond to them, before Trevor was leaning in and, just like that, the world became something else entirely.

And yes, I kissed him back.

I kissed him back like my life depended on it, which, in retrospect, was probably true. And when it was over, when everything in the universe had shifted into something new and completely terrifying, I pulled away and found myself thinking—of all things—that the entire thing was utterly predictable. It was always going to happen this way, wasn’t it?

No one ever warns you about what happens next.

There’s a part of me that will forever wonder whether I could have handled it differently—whether I could have taken the long, awkward road of friendship instead of charging straight into the storm. But that’s a question with no answer, much like the one about what happens when a girl falls in love with her best friend’s older brother.

And honestly, I don’t think I want to know.

But I think Ava might, which is a problem I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with yet.

[lonestardust]

"not trying to speak over your experience" yeah except you are anon! I am sorry but I'm not going to be nice or coddle feelings here, be it good intentions or otherwise. And I'm going to mainly speak within a broader context here about the use of this very language in general even though you brought it up in the isolated context of analysing a character.

Long answer :

So when you try to make the reaction to injustice (of any kind, whether by a system, entity, or otherwise) look neat and collected and can be "talked out" in a nice therapy clinic you pay so much money for, you're directly framing this injustice and aggression as not grave or urgent enough and most importantly something you can't physically fight back. There is nothing neat and collected about murder and sudden ugly loss so why do you want to pacify rage and tone down the impact of assault and the right to a righteous revenge and seeking justice??!

Also we haven't even watched the season yet to be here!!

And please stop viewing carlos as this complex crazy man who needs to be fixed and treated like a baby. he's very normal with very normal human experiences I promise. AND HELLO???? THIS CHARACTER IS A COP IN A PROCEDURAL DRAMA!! He deals with crimes for a living!!!!!!

hell, anon, I don't wanna even talk about Carlos, but about the fact that people like you speak stuff like that into the world we live in very often and very confidently and you normalize this industrialised colonial version of "healing" when there is more to the matter than just "feeling good and collected as fast as possible because you're not supposed to struggle ever!!"

This policing language is used on us, people of the global south, in real life, all the time. Do you know how many times I was told exactly this in the past year?!?! It's the same language that currently insists on framing fighting against Genocide and a satanic empire as "peaceful" : "peaceful protests", "peaceful talks", as if there is anything peaceful about mass extermination with mass destruction weapons and the bodies of our families incinerated and shredded into pieces and scattered under tons of rubble. It's the same language that tells victims of colonial violence to forgive and forget and soften, compromise on their dead bodies and stolen houses and coexist with their rapists and murderers instead. This is the same logic used that give oppressors and criminals impunity while simultaneously vilify and question those who go after their abusers.

Please understand why you need to stop using this language of calling injustice just "trauma" and leaving behind your dignity and right to an honorable righteous path of justice "healing", because forgetting about things is easier in your opinion. This life doesn't operate like that. There are guidelines and moral systems we stand on.

So no. injustice does end when you stop it. How do you think entire nations manage to successfully liberate themselves then

I feel like I'm crazy and I'm sorry anon but I'm not sorry for dragging this into the broader context because I'm angry and fed up of hearing this language of toning down people's reaction to crime — a language that materialized into making the carnage of our people become mountains and mountains because it debilitates the urgency and emergency of stopping it through the hands of the Resistance we stand behind.

And let me point out something very important here. Dwelling in defeatism is not helpful! It spreads paralyzing panic and creates more obstacles. Those who give up to an assault and a crime without responding, resisting and acting accordingly have a broke moral compass. this is in my opinion what Owen meant when he warned him about obsession — or when there is nothing you could do about something anymore. Except that Carlos can do something about it! And especially now. It's literally his job. And he's good at it and he's capable. There is literally a murderer on the loose and that's not past, he's still here, currently taking advantage of impunity.

So back to character analysis : we're talking about Carlos Reyes here. that man is so strong and resilient and he's not that crazy person lost in darkness. from day one he was trying his best to be strategic and tactical and catch the killer and put him where he belongs. Yes his first attempt was clouded by staggering pain and vulnerability to calculate everything correctly but he was on the right path nevertheless, because he has a healthy and normal moral compass. That man did not dwell in defeatism or chose to fuck everything up — I mean he listened and responded to the warning when he was about to do that. Carlos chose to carry on with the wedding and have it despite the shell shocking impact, that man didn't abandon his job, he pursued his career and his life, he worked on himself to be in a higher position and he is now resolved on solving that case, he's stronger now and he's employing his tools, his morals and his will to do the right thing just like he did with Iris (and because — again — it's literally his job). That man is more than normal, he's righteous and he loves deeply and honours that love and respect he holds for his people and his principles.

And he will struggle!!!!! Because none of this is easy to carry or balance. That's literally what this whole chapter is going to be about. And WE HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN IT YET TO JUDGE WHAT'S COMING NEXT 😭😭 Also we have TK!! TK is another example of being a Resilient Fighter. We really start the story of lone star with him fighting against odds and holding onto his strengths until he ended up where he is now (and Owen tells him that during the rehearsal dinner). Him and Carlos can handle whatever they're going to go through I promise. They both are capable, strong and smart. They both know what is it like to grieve and what is it like to be a first responder. And they do provide each other with the kind of support the other needs.

And whether carlos is going to get answers or not, whether he will be able to bring about this justice and solve the case or will find himself putting himself and his family in danger beyond his capacity to control. Whether he'll find himself becoming more distant from the life he build and the person he chose and on top in a predicament of adopting a child and being responsible for that. Him choosing that path from the beginning was right. And it naturally comes with heavy consequences just like the weight of being subjugated to the crime itself. And because that's the price of being a first responder and in law enforcement in the first place!

Also something else about the "should see a therapist" part. therapy could be helpful and it offers support and guidance and Carlos might want to go to these grief counselling sessions if he feels comfortable to do so especially because he's a first responder after all and his work life makes him witness more than just Gabriel’s case but therapy in general shouldn't be treated as the default of healing or support simply because it's not. It's a tool and it's an expensive tool. But again we're judging prematurely what a character would or wouldn't do so that's sort of in vain anyway.

our experiences shape us into who we are anyway, they give us our weak spots and they crystallize our strengths and good qualities more. that's simply how humans work and Carlos is no different, he doesn't have to change his emotional self-defense mechanism of not being emotionally vulnerable all the time and the way he operates and carries himself in order to be "okay". and he already found what he needed with TK. Who impacted him in every way and best way possible. And he does tell him that himself in 4x02 and during their vows.

[fionacle]

My college essay is 725 words, I need to cut it down to 600 by time my dad gets home today, but I like how it is now, so I’m posting it. It’s about how autistic people are viewed in society and the misuse of the word special to refer to them (us?). It’s below the cut.

I couldn’t tell you the first time it happened, most things before high school are a blur, but I’ve often heard others called special. The usage of this is not what special is supposed to mean. Special things are supposed to be important and unique, they matter a lot, it’s a very high compliment if you say it genuinely. But here it’s condescending. Like this is the core of the person being spoken about, and that core is a taboo. Like it’s pity for an illness, or warning of danger. They say the word as though they’re describing a creature, some animal of lesser mind.

“I’m proud of you for being friends with him.” “Why?” “Oh, you know, he’s special.”

To speak with one of ‘them’ is seen as a sacrificial act rather than basic human decency toward a human.

I love being praised. More than anything else in the world. I need to know I matter, to feel skilled and important, the good kind of special. But when I’m praised for something like this I feel dirty. I always try to be the hero when I see someone’s upset, even when it’s unneeded or undeserved, but not here. If I accept this praise it means I agree that I had to do something significant and difficult. It means that my friend is just a challenge that I beat. So, not only would I be lying, I’d also be insulting my friend, even if he wouldn’t be in earshot.

I want nothing more in life than to be special. The good kind.

I want to finish writing a book and become famous for it. I want adoring fans, and to make a difference in their lives. I want to be talked about as someone cool and worthy of awe and respect, maybe even envy. I want to know that my friends consider me important and good. I want everyone I meet to be so earnest about liking me that it forces out any thought about not being worth their time. I want to carry around the good special for everyone.

The word isn’t really that important to me, I don’t hold any affection for it. But I’m upset that it dehumanizes others, and mostly I’m upset that it dehumanizes me.

When I go into testing rooms, I’ve been to quite a few since childhood, they present games to test my brain. This is an awful way for me to show my symptoms. I do the best I can because it’s fun and I want to show off. I tend not to have “off” days when I visit them, especially because I’m rarely around triggers. They don’t see me cry because the lunch man took my apple juice cap. They don’t see me flail around because I hear someone chewing gum. They don’t hear my autistic friends explain to me how my experiences match theirs to an alarming degree. I need them to see my tears in action. I need to take my memories out of my brain and show them. They need to know everything I’ve done and they need to put a word to it and let me tell people.

Then, maybe, they won’t tell me to stop. To stop being too weird. Stop being too emotional. Stop being afraid of things no one else cares about. Stop “misidentifying” emotions. Stop all of it. To just be normal. Because no matter how much they want it to be true it’s not. It’s not. It never will be. I cannot be. I’m not normal.

There’s something both cathartic and terrifying in saying that.

“Stop doing that or they’ll think you’re special.”

If neither normal or special are options, what else do you want me to be?

People I’ve known for a year can see it. Why can’t you, who’s known me my whole life? Stop making that face when I bring this stuff up, don’t tell me I’m copying my friends, don’t tell me my friends are weak. They are not weak, and neither am I when I act like them. When I am true to myself I am strong. Don’t tell me that strength isn’t the real me. But I think they still ought to know me as “bad” special, as much as I hate the word, because then at least they’d know me.

[taocc-updates]

[So I've been reading every statement I could find up until the point Xeya asked if I should get kicked out.]

[First off, oversxuallzation. I admit. It's going way, way to far. Even for myself. And I dont know why I keep doing it. I hate it so much but I just dont stop and I think its because at school and pretty much everywhere I go with all my friends were always acting sexual with each other as jokes and I've just been thinking all this time that thats the normal thing to do with friends I guess? I don't fully know. But seeing how everyone else hates it just as me I'm going to stop. I didn't mean for anything to get this bad and I didn't mean to make anyone uncomfortable. I genuenly didn't mean to do anything to make anyone hurt or feel worse I just wanted to be stupid or funny or something I don't know anymore. I'll stop being so sxuallized. I'm sorry I put anyone through anything, it was not my intentions. I was just being stupid.]

[Secondly, on Lily's statement she said that I saw her and Sign, mod and oc, as the same person. Which I did. For the longest time I really did. At the time it was just easier to see Signs mod as Signs mod and my partner that I cared about because it would be easier to remember who they were why they were important what they did and why and how. I had no idea I was misgendering them either, I really didnt. And I had no idea how bad it really was, once again, I'm sorry. I truly am. I didn't mean to harm anyone or make anyone uncomfortable and I didn't mean to do anything to her or to anyone else. I just wasn't thinking rationally and I was just doing what was easier rather than what was supposed to be. And as she said in her statement, I did fix it up when she told me to and I apologized. Atleast I think. Did I not?? Sorry for misgendering you Lily and for doing all that. Anyways. I'm sorry to all of you and I'm sorry to anyones thats dealt with me doing all that. I didn't mean to make anyone uncomfortable I really didnt.]

[Thirdly, the venting. I noticed someone I think it may have been star I may be wrong but they said that I frequently go to TAOCC to cope and to be oversxuallized. Which, the overszuallized is already bad it was the first thing in this essay, but the coping and real life problems I don't wish to speak about. I will if you really want me to but I just feel like its unessesary to talk about problems I have in real life and I don't want to feel like I'm guilt tripping anyone. I'm sorry.]

[And the last thing, I felt like it needed its own section, Autumn and Xeya. Autumn is a great person, shes amazing and I could never be happier to be friends with her and I truly hope that I can still be friends with her. I admit, I'm kind of sexual with her characters and she has stated that shes uncomfortable and like I said before, I'll stop. I'm sorry I made you and everyone else so uncomfortable and I'm so sorry I had to put you through my bullshit. I never should have said anything like that about your characters and I promise I'll make differences. And Xeya, like Autumn I'm happy to be your friend. And I feel so lucky everyday that I can just think about doing things with you and your characters and talking to you and I feel happy when I do. And, I know it was really far in the past but, I'm so sorry about Drunkie and the sexualization stuff again I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or... Make you... Y'know. I really didn't mean to. And I'm so sorry I put you all through this. I know I keep repeating the same apology every single time but its because I truly mean it.]

[This is such a great community with even greater people and I could never ask for a better place to be in and I'm so happy when I talk to mods or rp with characters, I have said before that I'm trying to be so much better than I was and I admit I started losing myself again. Just making that blog made me consider so much and I should have listened. I deleted the lust blog its gone. I'm sorry I put anyone through any of my bullshit. I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person. I'm sorry I'm not changing to be better for anyone faster but I really am trying. I promise I am. Even though it dosent seem like it I really am trying. I'm so sorry to everyone about all of this. And I'm so sorry that I'm doing more harm than good anymore. I'm sorry. All I ask is that you just keep waiting for me and keep me in this group of people and I'm going to stop everything to change myself. Any means necessary.]

[I'll ask again. If theres any questions that you want me to answer, if theres anything you want me to do to change or to stop doing or to start doing, tell me. Please. I'm not doing any rp until I fix whats destroyed.]

[Thank you for reading.]

Just putting this here. I’m on break, heh.

[jatlokgwo]

for @rainbow-strawberry-sherbert!!

i have no idea how to start this rip (dd= disassembly drone)

i useally say that am xiao and a dissasembally drone but im more concepts then anything else it goes

consepts: small flying dangerous flexable tail multiple forms/run like a dog and grab like a human watcher listener endless job to do

base: raptor birds (-> peregrine falcons) fennec foxes

2: demon (-> xiao is considered a demon adeptus and another word for dd is sky demon) feathery wings sharp teeth

3 (vaguely but there): otters finchs western dragons/wof sandwing scaramouche

"in view": adeptus xiao generic dissasembally/worker drone hybrid S (my kinsona) i like to show myself as a fennec like with the gifs

species by accosiation: ADEPTUS cat bees (-> friend called me minecraft bee coded) wolf dog theres a version of S thats uninfected any au

xiao is the minimum that you need to know to understand and before i had things to latch onto i jumped around sonas alot it was stressful and i only made things worse by interrogating myself witch is why i said to not think about it so hard and just draw whats fun =-= i found out im a drone by making a sona and then the sona feeling way more real then other sonas/ocs like chengcuo i was just bein silly ^^

sometime its also neurodivergent stuff (???) i cant understand facial expressions so i either exadurat them or dont really emote (i promise you that the xiaos are diffrent pictures)

colors and color coding is also important to me!!!!!!

am small and can fly but am kinda flightless when xiao sits down his ingame model doesnt reach the floor and dds are kinda tall but i look more like a worker drone with dd features and there both short to avrege humans as xiao i had wings and a bird form (can fly) but i lost them when a dream-god ripped of my wings and dds have retractable wings but copper 9 has a constant death storm happeneing that acts like a blizzard so id rather walk and do my silly jumps sjchd

its also a comfort thing!!! im a bird adeptus without wings or a bird form as a dd im a living wepon every even if the dream god tore them again dds can regen our heads i will have wings again in like a minute and if i really want to hen its awkward but of i angle it right there strong enough to break other drones caseing (my wings as xiao where normal feathers my life has also been almost constant trauma and i would pretend to use finchy looking wings to hide or hug myself and playing genshin was our escape we where still plural and we would listen to alot of genshin asmr and i think thats how i formed as a fictive) i think its also linked to my hyperfixation on md and my main comfort charater right now being a N (hes the yellow dd in the gif and my pfp :3)

ive also been gaslit and a defining part of being a dd is that you used to be a normal worker drone before you got infected with the absolute solver and it did some mlp infection stuff and messed with our memories theres a whole episode about it (cw for robot gore flashing lights anf 1 line of ablism against narcissists if you click the link its the episode) having anatonamy instead of wanting it is still kinda new to me theres a theme with them about how xiao was enslaved as a wepon for the dream-god and dds arnt supposed to be unique but xiao gets to be a person and the dds are unique anyways that i resonate alot with to its nice to see the systems that let the bad things happen be villians instead of when i tell people that the thing that hurt me was school and they try to find reasons why it was my fault

(hopfully this make sense brain wont give me anything else for now but if i think if something ill add it!! and if you have questions i can do my best to awnser them!!!!)

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #53

previously - Journal Entry #52

Victor

"Do you even know what I need?"

I can't believe I said that to my poor husband, especially given how our conversation had been going and the state of mind he was obviously in. Even before the entire sentence was out of my mouth, I regretted it, but unfortunately there was no way to pull it back in.

Several minutes before that, I'd found Yuri in the upstairs bathroom, crying his heart out. I think he was trying to hide from me, but I figured he would've realized by now that he never can. I don't know how I always know when something's wrong with him. I just do, and usually I'm able to help him in some way.

On this night, though? Tonight, not only did I not help, but I possibly made things worse.

Not that anyone else’s opinion has any real impact here, but I want you guys to understand, asking Yuri that question wasn't meant as a rebuke. Although it probably came out sounding that way, I wasn't trying to criticize him.

The truth is, up until recently, he's been giving me exactly what I need, whether he's able to articulate what that is or not. And if he can't put it into words, that's not his fault. It's not as if he's never asked me what I need. He has, but it's my inability to express stuff clearly that's the problem, not his ability to understand, and for me to demand him to explain something that I can barely even explain myself was beyond unfair.

What Yuri does for me, and what I've always needed someone to do, is to help provide stability for me. Sometimes, when I'm scared or stressed or upset, I have a hard time processing my thoughts and regulating my energy. I don't really know how to describe it, but it's like static in my brain, like white noise that makes it nearly impossible for me to hear the part of my mind that controls my impulses and forms logical thoughts. But, Yuri knows how to calm me down when I'm like that. He knows better than anyone what a mess I am, and he always seems to have the ability to sort me out.

Yuri was the one who realized the importance of schedules for me, too. As silly as it sounds, he gave me a regular bedtime and wake-up time, and helped me build other routines into my life that are the same every day. I can't even begin to tell you what a huge difference that's made in terms of how well I'm able to process my emotions and regulate my energy. I guess it's because those are things I don't have to focus on now, so I'm able to devote more brainpower to being a functional human.

Another thing he does is to talk sense into me when I need it. I like to say he's my voice of reason, 'cause I'm not particularly reasonable sometimes.

Being with him has helped me grow as a person. I think I'm more mature because of him, and more responsible. He teaches me by example how to be brave and resilient and emotionally strong. In situations where I'd be likely to give up, Yuri keeps going. As frail and sick as he is, if he can persevere, I have no excuse.

Since he's been really sick this time, though, something's changed. This is the most seriously ill I've ever seen him, and usually when he's not well, he's clingy and needy and just wants to be held and fussed over as much as possible which, contrary to what people may think, I don't mind at all. I haven't been able to take care of him like I normally would, and I'm sure that's affecting him, but it's more than that. I feel like he's been distancing himself from me, and I don't understand why. I've never known him to be as emotionally fragile as he's been over the past several weeks, and I suppose I expected that to lead to him wanting more affection, not less.

Not gonna lie, the lack of physical touch is hard on me, 'cause that's another thing I need. I'm a very tactile person, and Yuri touching me in any way makes me feel grounded and safe, particularly because I know how much of an act of trust it is for him to touch or be touched by anyone. I love it when he gets onto my lap and wants me to hold him, but I'm equally happy when he gives me a hug or plays with my fingers or pets my hair. And I like it when he lets me touch him in any way at all, but especially intimately. It's good to feel trusted. I'm missing that now, and it's starting to hurt me quite a lot.

Yuri didn't answer my question, but I didn't expect him to, since it was kind of rhetorical anyway. The problem was, he cried harder, and the sound of his sobs went straight to my heart. It felt like an invisible knife was stabbing me in the chest, and it took a sheer force of will for me not to start crying as well.

I felt so bad for snapping at him and upsetting him more than he already had been. Yes, I was frustrated and confused, but that didn't justify it.

I know there are people out there who believe he uses emotional manipulation on me. Like, people have said that to my face, so I'm not just being weird or paranoid about it. And yeah, maybe he does do it occasionally, but I've never met another human being who doesn't do it once in a while. But, to anyone who thinks Yuri regularly exploits my sensitivity with fake tears or some other made-up crap, I just wanna remind you that you aren't here with us all the time. You see what we show you, and that doesn't always include the moments of raw, genuine emotional reaction.

I promise you, Yuri's tears tonight were real, not made up to trick me into doing anything. In fact, I got the feeling he would’ve preferred that I wasn’t anywhere near him. Something was hurting him, and I was pretty sure it wasn't his illness. I was afraid it was me.

When he didn't respond after several seconds, I said softly, "I'm sorry."

I could barely hear him as he said weakly, "Go away."

"No," I said. "We need to figure this out.

Finally, he looked up at me. His face was all puffy and swollen, and the edges of his eyes were red. He looked awful, and I just wanted to hold him and soothe away any pain that I could.

"There's nothing to figure out," he said. "You'd be better off without me."

"Yuri." His name was all I could get out at first as I battled my desire to break down in tears. I drew in the deepest breath I was capable of. "Yuri, I need you. Please don't ever say I'd be better off without you, 'cause I wouldn't be. Without you, I... I might not even be here."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"How could you forget?" I said. "Remember the day I came home from the hospital? That night?"

"Yes."

I folded my arms close to my body, but the self-protecting gesture did little to prevent the shiver of dread that went through me at the memory of that night. I'm not sure I really wanted to talk about it, but something in my conscience told me I needed to reveal one particular thing to my husband. It was a secret too big to keep, and I needed him to know, and there might never be a more appropriate time.

"That night... I literally wanted to die, Yuri. Not figuratively. Literally. I would've been perfectly fine with closing my eyes and never waking up."

He stared at me, and the expression that crossed his face was nothing short of haunted. "You...? Literally?"

"Yeah," I said. "I was angry and scared and... I don't know. Desperate, I guess. I felt like my whole life was ruined, just because of one dumb mistake."

"It wasn't," he said. "Didn't I tell you that?"

"I know. You did, and I trusted you. It's the reason I'm here," I said. "But, I think I was out of my mind that night. Like, I wasn't thinking straight at all. I'd never been in that much pain in my entire life, and I was worried that I'd never be able to see again, and everything was just... too much. I know it's nothing compared to the pain you're in sometimes, but I still couldn't handle it. Not like you can."

"I didn't realize," he said. "I wanted to help you settle down because I knew you were upset, but I... I didn't realize..."

"I'm still around because of you," I reiterated, and in a flash of clarity it occurred to me that statement was one hundred percent true.

I don't know if there's a word for how horrible and useless and stupid I felt after my accident. Combine that with an excruciating headache, deep bone pain in both my arms, unrelenting nausea from the medication I was taking, and the absolutely terrifying prospect of permanently losing my vision, and I had a recipe for the end of life as I knew it. In hindsight, it's easy to say I was overreacting, but all I wanted on that first night back at home was for all my pain, both physical and psychological, to disappear.

You know how I explained that my struggles with impulse control and rational thinking are worse when I'm stressed? Left alone that night, it's likely that I would've made a very bad choice, and as a consequence, I wouldn't be here right now to share my thoughts about it. Thankfully, I had Yuri by my side. He couldn't make the pain go away, but he convinced me I could endure it and that it'd eventually pass. He was right, and I'm beyond grateful he was there with me.

I continued with, "You told me that you didn't know what you'd do without me. You said you'd stay by me no matter what, and you promised to take care of me, remember? You promised. What happened to that? Didn't you mean it?"

"Of course I meant it."

"If you meant it, then why are you saying I'd be better off without you now?" I said. "If you thought I needed you a few weeks ago, why wouldn't you still think that?"

"Because I was wrong."

"About what?"

"I wanted to be useful," he said. "I wanted to feel like an equal partner, and I wanted you to be able to trust me to look after you."

"I did trust you," I said. "I do."

More tears began to leak from the edges of his eyes and spill down his face. "I really tried. I tried my best to be strong for you and take care of you, but... I couldn't do it. I can't be equal to you. I can't even do a fraction of what you do.”

“It doesn’t matter if you’re not able to do everything all the time. I get it, and it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine, Look what happened to me after only a few days. Other people ended up having to take care of me, and where did that leave my promise to you?"

"You had no control over that," I said. "You did try your hardest, and you were awesome, but we both know you were already starting to get sick before my accident."

"This always happens. It's as if I'm always too ill when you need me the most."

"I need you all the time," I said.

"You don't need me being a burden to you."

"You're not a burden to me. How often am I going to have to tell you that? Taking care of you is a lot, but it's not a burden. I want to do it."

"But, what if I don't want to make your life difficult any more?" he said.

"You're not making my life difficult. If I ever made you feel that way, I'm sorry, 'cause I never meant to. You make my life better, and I'll never not want you in it."

"It... it wasn't you who made me think that," he said.

I held out my good hand to him. "Will you let me touch you?"

He chewed on his lip, clearly wrangling with the decision. I could practically see the debate going on in his head, reflected in his eyes. I could also see the precise moment when he made up his mind.

He crept slowly across the floor toward me, and crawled onto my lap. Wrapping his arms around my body, he leaned into me and rested his head against my shoulder. I held him with my good arm.

He cried for a while, and I stayed quiet, just letting him get it all out. It was plain to see that our situation had been bothering him and that he'd been spending a lot of time thinking about it. I suspected it'd been on his mind for some time, even before his conversation with Seiji, but whatever had happened between them certainly hadn't done anything to improve matters at all.

It infuriated me to think that Seiji had gone to see him in the hospital with the sole intention of telling him off. Of course I knew how Seiji felt — he'd made it perfectly clear that day in the park — but when he said he was going to give Yuri a piece of his mind, I never dreamed it'd be something like that. I thought maybe he'd give him a bit of a hard time for having to work instead of being there to see me compete. I didn't expect he'd go there and air out all his pent-up negativity.

And like... how dare he say Yuri is a terrible person? And how dare he try to interfere in our relationship and tell Yuri that I'm unhappy and that I'd be better off without him? I wanted to give him a huge piece of my mind for that.

Generally, I give people the benefit of the doubt, and I get that Seiji's going through a lot of difficult stuff, but that gives him no right to make everyone else as miserable as he is. Some of us are working hard to be the best versions of ourselves, and nobody needs another person tearing them down.

I decided I'd let it go for the time being. The last thing I wanted was to get into a pointless fight. I have more important things to focus on than Seiji Hinamori's poor behaviour. Besides, I reasoned that I'd get my opportunity to speak to him about it at some point anyway, and maybe it'd be a more productive conversation if we had the benefit of time to calm down and gain some perspective

"I love you," I said, once Yuri's weeping had subsided to sniffling and a few tiny whimpers. "I need you and I want you, and nothing anyone says is ever going to change that. Do you understand?"

He nodded against my shoulder, and said, "Yes, but..."

"No 'buts'," I said. "Maybe it's hard for you to accept hearing this from me right now, but you know what? That's totally okay. Take your time and figure out whatever you need to figure out, but just keep in mind that I'm not going anywhere while you're sorting through it.

He sighed. "Okay." Then, after a second or two, "Victor?"

'Yeah?"

"I really don't deserve you."

"It's not about deserving," I said. "Most of us wouldn't be happy if we got what the powers of the universe or whatever decided that we deserved. Wouldn't you rather have what you need than what you deserve?"

"Are you angry with me?"

"No, I'm not angry," I told him. "I'm worried about you. I'm sorry if you thought I was mad. I'm tired and frustrated, and I guess I could be handling it better, but that's got nothing to do with you. That's just me wishing things would get back to normal faster."

"Me too," he said. "I'm so tired."

"I know, love," I reached up to run my fingers through his hair. "It's okay. You've been through a lot lately."

"So have you.”

“Yeah, but I’m mostly better. Now we’ve got to work on getting you back on your feet.”

“I know I shouldn’t complain,” he said. “But I don’t know if that’s going to happen. Me getting back on my feet. Everything hurts, and I don’t know how to cope with it any more.”

"Saying you're tired or in pain isn't complaining. You’re allowed to say how you feel,” I told him. “It might actually be easier to deal with if you talk about it.”

"I'm too tired to talk. I can’t even think any more."

“Do you want to go to bed now?" I asked. Sleep wasn't the long-term solution, I realized, but if he was mentally tired, at least some sleep would give him a break from whatever turmoil was in his head.

"Yeah," he said.

"Would you like me to sleep in your bed with you, or do you still want to be alone?"

"I never want to be alone," It came out so softly that I wouldn't have caught it if his head hadn't been so close to mine. "Never again. I'm so afraid of that. But I'm scared that if I can't become a worthwhile person, I... I'll be alone... again... forever."

I thought he had run out of tears, but they renewed themselves in the middle of a sentence and left him hiccuping for breath by the end of it. He slumped down onto my legs, as if he didn't have a scrap of strength left to hold himself upright any more.

"Shh... shh..." I rubbed his back the way I know he likes, trying to comfort him. "Listen to me. You are a worthwhile person. You're an amazing person. Don’t I tell you that all the time?”

“Y-yes.”

“We all have stuff to work on,” I said. “If you want to fix some things, I'll help you however I can. Or you can ask for help from a professional if you think that's what you need, or we could talk to somebody together. When you're ready, you just tell me what you want, okay?"

"I want to feel like I’m enough," he whispered.

I pushed away the urge to tell him that he already is enough, that in my eyes, he’s everything. I’m sure he knows how much I love him and I’m equally sure that, deep down, he understands there are a lot of people in his life who do accept him just as he is.

The real problem is that he’s struggling to accept himself.

I don't think his poor self-worth is a new problem. My guess is that it goes back so far that he's forgotten how to think of himself as inherently valuable and is convinced he has to earn approval and validation from others. Except he never can, because when someone praises him or tells him he matters, he doesn't trust that they're telling the truth, because by his own standards it's literally impossible for him to measure up.

I could’ve given him every affirmation I could think of, and he wouldn’t have believed any of them. I wanted to tell him how strong and courageous and resilient he is, how intelligent and practical, and so delicately beautiful that it should be me who calls him 'treasure' and not the other way around. I wanted to say that he doesn't have to be objectively perfect to be perfect for me. But, all those words would’ve been lost if I spoke them aloud just then, and that realization broke my heart.

What I said instead was, "I'm never going to let you go. You're the most important person in the world to me."

With the proper help, I hope that one day when he looks at himself, he'll be able to see what I see when I look at him. Not a single one of us is flawless — not Yuri or me or anyone else — but everyone has something to offer the world. Everyone has value. Each of us means something to someone, whether we recognize that or not, and we each have our own special place in the grand design of the universe.

Sitting there in the middle of our bathroom floor, it occurred to me that I want the same thing for Yuri that he wants for himself. I want him to be happy, and I want him to understand that regardless of his disability, of any personal shortcomings or any mistakes he's made, of any bad thing anyone's said to him or about him — regardless of anything — he is enough.

[demivampirew]

I think u need some perspective. A. It's normal for people to work remotely since 2020 especially if they're at the corporate level. Plus if her focus is on the Warhammer stuff it makes sense that she's always with Henry. B. Social media is an extension of a person not the whole person. Henry probably made a conscious choice not to post as much for whatever reasons. Also it's normal to post the person ur in a relationship with.

The reason you're so upset is because you put Henry on a pedestal in the first place. He isn't required to interact with fans on Instagram or post about his life, and demanding that he post what you want him to post is entitled. Daddy isn't punishing you (also so weird to call him that even if you were being sarcastic). For example a celebrity years ago stopped posting on social media and wasn't interacting with fans as much and his fans were being demanding and angry about it like you. Then it turned out his mother passed away and that was the reason he took a step back and it was quite disgusting that fans were demanding he post selfies and updates while he was going through that.

And C. You only know Henry through Instagram and magazine/tv interviews which are not on the fly. Usually famous people choose which questions they answer and practice what they will say to seem relatable and interesting. So basically even if Henry said he likes xyz, we don't really know if he's telling the truth, but people in his real life like his family and gf know him for real and she probably fits his type despite what he has said in the past to seem appealing to the masses. Also he might have said he wanted a lowkey relationship but as far as famous people go this is pretty low key, just look at taika waititi and Rita ora for comparison or any "power couple" constantly posting about each other. Also if Henry is in love which it seems like he is, it's natural for him to want to post his partner, that's a normal thing that people do. He's still posting about his projects in between so it just seems like to me even if he never posted her again you would still be unhappy.

Let's just say, the way my brain works, when I noticed a change in behavior I need to find a cause for it to understand it. He was a way with fans and since Miss Influencer showed up in the picture, he's been acting in a completely different manner. He's been avoiding us and doesn't even take the time anymore to post things like "Thank you for watching my show/movie, I truly appreciated it" like he used to. Why if I acted like a "good fan" (don't talk publicly about his personal life or pretend everything was ok) and don't comment or send nasty dms to her or anybody, am being punished because some fans do?

And the "He isn't required to interact with fans on Instagram or post about his life, and demanding that he post what you want him to post is entitled." is a stupid argument on your part. He's not forced to but when he acted a certain way for years and all the sudden he changed and didn't engage with social media anymore without explanation and, the only "explanation" is a "f*ck off" post he made calling out all fans when in reality it was just a loud minority the ones behaving "badly" (I put badly in quotation marks because some were actually nasty and others just questioned him for flying an American woman to the UK in the middle of a worldwide pandemic, showing how he abused his privilege as a celebrity), he should expect those fans who acted like he considered good, to question why are we being punished and blamed for other's actions, especially how in the past the same happened with his other girlfriends and he still was nice to all fans (not just the ones he sees live at events). Am I supposed to wait until he decides to come back to Argentina, if he ever does it, for him to show appreciation for supporting him? And, about your point of me being entitled for expecting him to act like he used to and the only reason I see why he wouldn't is that he's punishing us for fans not being in the Nathlee fans club, is that's an entitlement, well, go ahead an call me entitled. For all I care, you can call me the Entitled Karen of the fandom, idgaf.

About your point that something serious could be going on with his family; Charlie, and Heather act normal. His "girlfriend" is doing her influencing online so, if something serious happened, she doesn't give a single f*ck.

And point "C", I don't claim to know who he's really inside and in his personal life, I just loved his public persona before Miss Influencer showed up (admittedly ignoring some red flags like the fact that he dated someone much younger than him and he dated a woman that hunted animals as a sport because, at the end of the day, he made the right decision to call off those relationships) But now, his public persona is someone who doesn't engage with fans unless it's obligatory for press; he only posts ads, posters, and trailers (no thank you posts, I appreciate your support); we spend a f*cking year asking for a picture of Kal and he only posted when he could make it about Natalie and made a coordinated post, like if she was f*cking important.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

1) I could have told you that. I knew all of that, even explained it in a Tumblr post a couple of weeks ago. Where's my linguistics degree? Can I get a linguistics degree for my Tumblr blog?

To be fair I don't think I get any special credit for deep analysis for picking up on that, it's kind of the engine by which their entire double act works. Which anyone who listens to it will be aware of, but come on, person who wrote some stuff to get a linguistics degree, you’re not supposed to actually spell it out. This is like when Lee and Herring started straightforwardly informing the audience who would be taking the high and low status for that episode. The entire joke of that bit being that it doesn’t work, you can’t do that or you’ll ruin the illusion.

Closest they’ve come to doing that before now was that time when they Elis joked that one of them should make a massive life change so that they’d be more different from each other because there always needs to be a bit of tension created by the differences between members of a double act, and John said they don’t need that because they have it in their different levels of career success, and that may have been pulling back the curtain just slightly too far because there wasn’t really any way to reply.

2) This is a longshot, but I don’t suppose anyone would know how to find that flowchart? Apparently they put it out on Twitter (I am not I am not I am not I am not calling it by any other name and I kind of hate how I’m starting to see people shift from jokingly saying “I guess we’re supposed to call it X now” to just saying “I saw this on X” like that’s a reasonable thing, I don’t even use that website and I objected to its normalization as a tool of serious discourse in the first place but this is a step too far) in 2016, does anyone know how to find Tweets from 2016?

3) While trying to Google this Tweet from 2016, I came across the John Robins mailing list, which I had not previously known existed, so of course I joined it. There is also an archive of these emails online, and the latest one says:

That said, I will be releasing a recording of the show on Bandcamp in some form. Probably around March / April this year. I know it has value, and I was so consistently blown away by all the people who came to see it, it means so very much. I will pull my socks up and listen back to the recordings I have and make the necessary edits to create an acceptable representation of Howl for you to listen to.

Hooray! Thank you, John. You’re the best. I feel like I should make a joke here but instead I’m going to say what I’m actually thinking, which is that March or April would be perfect for me, as I need something to motivate myself to keep not drinking/drinking to far below problem levels (if I’m capable of doing the latter, which I may not be, I don’t know) past January, and if I listen to the “I realized I was an alcoholic and quit” show while being back to my pre-2024 drinking levels, it will just make me feel guilty. But if I listen to it when I’m at a good place with that, even if it’s still hard and feels bad, it will be easier to enjoy. And you shouldn’t take comedy as your reason for big life decisions, but right now I’ll grasp at any motivational straws, and that might help. So, seriously, for real, thanks John.

I am aware that if I start using that as motivation not to drink, this will kick the level of parasociality in my John Robins fandom into a new gear, which is always a recipie for disappointment. If John Robins has sexually harassed anyone, I need that to come out now rather than later (I'm like... I mean I am kidding, I wouldn't start drinking again just because of John Robins, I'm just saying that at this point his comedy is part of what's keeping me not drinking, and the possibility of that sort of thing leading to disappointment is the first thing that comes to mind if I decide to believe in something). It's fine if a story comes out where he was just kind of a dick, his genuine unlikeabilty is one of my favourite things about him as a comedian. But please let it have limits. (Note: Yes I am working on actual coping mechanisms in real life and not just relying on comedy recordings, but it all helps.)

4) As I found earlier today when I was cutting up all those Textual Healing clips, it is really fucking annoying that those podcasts keep putting in the radio sting 0.0000000000003 nanoseconds after John or Elis finish talking, and regularly wait about -0.5 seconds by which I mean they’ll play the sting over some talking, so it’s hard to cut out clips without including the annoying sting. Which I guess is the point of broadcasting stings. Sorry that the John/Elis clips I cut out so frequently feature the broadcasting stings, it’s hard to cut around them.

[solarwynd]

https://www.tumblr.com/solarwynd/736172349764878336/httpswwwtumblrcomsolarwynd736164064837943296?source=share

last time I remember him saying something real about jimin on live was early 2021 when he was asked about tmi (not even ab jm) and said he stole his food while hanging out lol, 2021 was also the last year we saw them being very close friends

tbh I wouldn't mind him namedropping jimin on every live if at least his in person behavior matched that "interest" shippers say he has for him. Like... in tae's case he talks about jk on every live sometimes even makes up scenarios about him and is very annoying but at least he maintains the same attitude when they are in the same room, he doesn't ignore him or show any bad attitude towards him. while jk may not namedrop any of the other members but is always giggles and heart eyes when being with them but he can't go one group live without showing how annoyed he is by jm and feeding the "harassed" agenda.

about the sasaeng topic... I feel terribly but I just can't feel bad for him anymore. I know the stalker is the one that should be blamed and I do but man you literally said in one of your lives that whoever recognized you on the street was welcomed to approach you then someone takes your words for real and you start crying ab privacy and stuff? what were you expecting to happen? feeding yns and keeping your life private are two things that cannot coexist and you are very aware of that, this is the same man from a few years ago that showed up on social media every 3 months and we all wanted to fight for cause it was very unfair that a boy who made such a big effort to have a normal life would be bother by strangers on the phone. now he lives a reality show and pretends things not to get worse

“tbh I wouldn't mind him namedropping jimin on every live if at least his in person behavior matched that "interest" shippers say he has for him.”

Said the same exact thing but not with shippers, like how he acts with his other 97 line friends at least, cause he hangs out with them more than anything now. And I’m not saying that he needs to hang out with jm every waking minute to solidify their friendship, but outside of pre made schedules they’re not together at all like they use to be so how else am I supposed to view it?

I don’t think jk is truly “annoyed” by jm. I became an army early 2018 and I feel like those two were extremely close that year. jk was probably more touchy than jm was. Ultimately I think jk picks and chooses when he wants to reciprocates the affection cause just this past live the 4 of them did, he was very touchy on jm. And I think that (paired with shippers warped mentalities) makes it come off like it’s one sided since jm’s a very affectionate person.

“but man you literally said in one of your lives that whoever recognized you on the street was welcomed to approach you then someone takes your words for real and you start crying ab privacy and stuff?”

-😬 Damn I forgot he said that. Granted I do feel like he meant when he’s out and about in public not standing outside his house (still dumb) but I agree with the feeding y/ns and keeping his privacy not being able to coexist cause it’s the truth. He’s gonna have to decide which is more important eventually though. Being these peoples’ “best friend” or setting more strict boundaries.