#HOLLIE I'M SORRY IT TOOK ME LIKE THREE OR FOUR HOURS TO FINISH THIS

[naivesilver]

top six pinocchio adaptations? idek if there are 6 🤷‍♂️

Hollie, my buddy, my pal, my dearest, not only there are like twice that number that I personally watched/read/experienced, but there are many more that I still have to get to. So have no fear, I have plenty of material to draw from

Also thank you 💓💓💓 I know at this point I’ve flooded everyone’s dash with this kinda stuff but I so love talking about it and y’all keep saying I shouldn’t stop so here I am

Ask me my top 6 anything

So the thing is, I’ve already listed my top 5 adaptations here, but as it goes I have multiple different rankings when it comes to Pinocchio stuff, so there is no shortage of lists I could make. I could rank going by the amount of screentime the thrice-damned Cricket gets, or how much the Fairy irks me, but since this is a lovely day and I have no wish to ruin it by talking about characters I would personally take on in a fistfight, I will instead use another discriminator.

That is, the Lampwick factor.

Lampwick gets an astonishing amount of hate considering he is a) a child b) Pinocchio without the plot armor c) someone the story’s system failed, along all those other boys, but I love him dearly and I will defend him sword in hand. Some adaptations forgo him entirely (looking at you, German-Japanese cartoon who would have been perfect otherwise) but most of those who leave him in make him memorable, for good and for bad.

So, without further ado:

(Actual list under the cut because I got carried away with number 4 and it got LONG)

1) Luigi Comencini’s Le avventure di Pinocchio (1972)

This miniseries’ Lampwick is just *chef’s kiss *. Not only does he get the funkiest introductory scene, laying under THEE boat (a trendsetter, that boy), but the way he behaves is consistently amazing and depicts the friendship between him and Pinocchio aside from the more famous Land of Toys (?) escapade. Also, SPOILERS FOR THE BOOK STORY, but cutting off his death scene, leaving his fate ambiguous and having Pinocchio snap at his father for suggesting Lampwick might have gotten “what he deserved” was a balm for my heart. Plus, he got a sweet sweet character theme that also served as title track for the miniseries.

(Fun fact, I found out while looking up the theme that his actor and Pinocchio’s starred as brothers in another movie shortly after, which is a nice little piece of trivia to know :D )

2) Matteo Garrone’s Pinocchio (2020)

YOUR HONOR, HE’S BABY! I want to protect him at all costs. The actor plays the part of Pinocchio’s shenanigan partner perfectly, and this movie takes a more realistic approach when it comes to depicting life in a poor maritime town in XIX century Italy, instead of showing Lampwick as someone who rebels against nothing. They cut out the final part of his story here as well, of which I could never be more grateful, for all that I’m a Pinocchio purist in most other cases. If you ask for my opinion, he deserves to be alive and happy somewhere else, and that’s that on that :)))))

3) Pinocchio miniseries (2009)

When I tell you that 11yo me was infatuated with him...Learning that Thomas Brodie-Sangster was already 18 when this aired was one of the biggest shocks of my life. He looked 15 at best, and only in the right light.

Still, what a good Lampwick. He’s snarky, he’s a bad influence, but he's a good friend, too, so it’s a win-win situation, isn’t it? He may be a bastard, but at least he will try to fix your sorrows in the most bothersome ways possible - remember kids, running off to a magical land is not a good way to cope with grief, but if you do it, at least stick to someone older than you who will do his best to keep you alive and distracted.

(Come to think of it, I’m still not convinced that Robbie Kay wasn’t influenced by this when he went on to portray Peter Pan.)

4) Roberto Benigni’s Pinocchio (2002)

LISTEN. Listen. This movie is a problem. I can’t speak of this movie without having to wrack my mind to find the right words. Benigni single-handedly ruined my chance at credibility by making this both the weirdest AND closest-to-text adaptation currently in existence.

(Aside from a sequence of excessive Cricket presence towards the end, but I digress.)

So, Benigni made a peculiar choice when filming this movie; that is, he had all the child characters be played by adults while retaining somewhat childish behaviors. Now, if it was merely a humorous parody I’d be less concerned, but if it was that easy to reduce it to such a stereotype, I wouldn’t have watched it in the first place, because there are too many Pinocchio parodies in the world and I despise most of them.

No, once you gather enough suspension of disbelief to see through the comedy factor of this movie, you soon have to realize that it’s, in fact, very well made. So you have to come to terms with the reality that this perfectly in-character Pinocchio with a Tuscanian accent who lifts paragraphs straight from the book was played by a 50yo man, and that the Fairy was played by his wife. There are things I don’t want to deal with when I’m watching a Pinocchio adaptation and Benigni’s supposed mommy issues is definitely one of them.

“So what does Lampwick have to do with any of this?”, you may ask. Well, my friend, Lampwick is by far the oddest casting choice in this case.

Picture this: you’re watching this movie where there are no kids, only adults playing kids. It’s weird, but it’s kinda funny, because the way they’re dressed and the way they act makes it clear that you’re supposed to laugh at them. Then a new character, well-known jackass Lampwick, is herded in, and you expect another 40something comedian to pair well with Benigni.

Instead, what you see is Kim Rossi Stuart.

Kim Rossi Stuart was a heartthrob of late 90/early 2000s Italy. He’s still quite good-looking - in fact, he might have even gotten better with age and with a beard, but that’s my personal taste chiming in - but back then he was at the height of his career. He was in Fantaghirò, for God’s sake. And here he comes sauntering by, as though it was nothing at all, eating lollipops and playing at darts with a floreal-pattern-clad Roberto Benigni.

It drives me nuts. I’ve honestly never been more appalled by an actor choice in my life. But that’s precisely the reason why it ranks so high - I’ll be 80 and grey and STILL I’ll be wondering what the fuck Benigni was thinking when he picked him. It leaves a mark, that kind of thing.

5) Enzo D’Alò’s Pinocchio (2012)

(By this point you should have realized the reason I put director names and dates in is because they all have the same fucking title. Also, enjoy this unflattering screenshot I had to make myself)

This movie is sweet. Not memorable, but sweet. It’s more whimsical and cartoonish than most, and the target age group is clearly younger than the one for say, Garrone’s movie, but Lucio Dalla wrote great songs for it so I appreciate it.

I’m more of the school of thought of  “Lampwick as a kid Pinocchio’s age” than “Lampwick as an older mentor of sorts”, and this Lampwick was voiced by Paolo Ruffini, who has the right accent but which I find annoying, but still, I like him. I love older brother figures, and Lampwick in this movie takes the time to comfort a sad kid he doesn’t know and humor him all throughout their journey. They’re good together, and that’s enough for me. #justicefor2012lampwick

6) Disney’s Pinocchio (1940)

Cue great stupor from everyone involved. Yes, I hate this movie with every fiber of my being, but this is the stereotypical Lampwick. Not putting him in would have been nearly blasphemous. Also, so many adaptations ignored his existence completely that I have to make concessions sometimes.

In addition to that, his character is tied to a little traumatic memory of my own. I watched this movie when I was like, 5 or 6, and as opposed to my classmates and sister who got frightened by most of it I was pretty unfazed, since I already knew the real story had WAY worse scenes.

But I also have a pretty vivid auditory memory, so what stuck with me was not the kids being turned into donkeys as much as Lampwick screaming like “Help! Call your cricket! Call who you want!” with the most horrifying voice ever. Was part of my nightmares for a long while, nearly as much as other movie scenes I watched in the same time period and of which I’m still scared, like ET’s freezer sequence or Dumbo’s Pink Elephants.

[dorotheajanegilmore]

Closer to you - Chris Evans

CHAPTER THREE

I stood whisking egg whites at my kitchen counter alone. I returned from the store an hour ago and as me and my Mom pulled up in the drive, Chris saw us and ran over. He helped us carry in our groceries before he told us to have a nice day and disappeared. Just like that.

I understand that he has a girlfriend and she probably felt uncomfortable at the idea of her boyfriend and some girl baking together. I get it, I'd feel jealous and annoyed too. However, being the other girl I feel shitty. He could have at least said "hey sorry gotta cancel" or "rain check?" But nothing. He just ignored me.

I finished up making the lemon meringue just in time to bring out the blueberry pie. I slid the blueberry pie onto the counter and placed the meringue into the oven. The oven door wouldn't close so with a hand firmly gripping the edge of the freshly baked pie I leaned down to make sure there was nothing stopping the tin from going to the back of the shelf.

"Hey Al-"

"Agh!" I let out a frightened scream as I pulled the hot tray containing the steaming blueberry pie from the counter. I felt the pastry crumbly down my forehead before the crust landed in my lap and the scorching hot filling trickled down my forehead. I jumped to my feet and ran to the sink, I shook my head to get the hot pie off of me. The pie landed in the cold metal sink with a thud, the filing steaming as the hot air mixed with the cold air.

I ran the cold gap over my burning head until I heard girly laugher from behind me. I glanced to my side to see Chris with a wide eyed, concerned look upon his face. One of his hands was covering his mouth in shock as the other was entangled with the hand of a tall beautiful blonde. She had the darkest brown eyes, dirty brown medium length curls and tanned skin. She was wearing a stylish combo of ripped blue jeans, cute black buckled booties and a pretty blouse, topped of with a cropped black suede jacket. She must've been the girlfriend.

Chris' girlfriend stood in my kitchen laughing at me. Feeling completely embarrassed and belittled, I pulled my wet head from the sink and stepped around the pair, heading straight for the stairs.

After washing away my embarrassment, and the blueberries, I entered my childhood bedroom for the first time in two years. It was exactly the same. White hardwood floors that met light grey walls, a grey double bed in front of the window with yellow bedding and navy cushions. My grey desk and rug sat unused but dust free, work of Dad. Dad's hobby was hoovering and dusting while Mom's in work, apparently it's satisfying.

I pulled some comfortable clothes from my suitcase, knowing that anything in the closet wouldn't fit me. I took everything to New York in college and whatever was here was from two years ago and I was a little smaller two years ago (living in New York means eating more fast food than you should. Not only are you surrounded by twenty four hour takeouts but paying rent in NY often leaves me with like seven bucks).

I decided to have a nap and lay down in my bed. Yep, even if it was an old mattress it was way better than the one at my apartment. I let out a physical groan as my back sunk into the soft memory foam goodness.

I grabbed my phone from my side table and began scrolling through Instagram. My friends had posted their various family reunion pictures and so I liked and commented, until I got to Holly's. Not believing my eyes I zoomed in. In the corner of Holly's picture was Chris' girlfriend.

I quickly sent Holly a text catching her up on all of the days events and explaining the situation. Moments later my phone began to ring.

"Hey." I greeted.

"Are you serious? She laughed at you? Bitch. I'm about to tear her hair out." Holly sounded out of breath as she threatened through the phone.

"Woah, calm down. What's wrong?" I asked concerned.

Another sigh and swallowed came from the speaker before she composed herself. "I saw your text and legged it outside to call you. Listen, Sofia is usually lovely so I can't understand why she laughed at you but she's here with Chris and if you need me to subtly cyanide her I will."

"I appreciate it but no. I have no problem with her apart from the whole laughing thing. Besides where would you even get that?"

"Cyanide? Oh Alessia, I have contacts." Holly chuckled but I wasn't sure if she was actually serious.

"Right..." I paused before shaking my head. "Anyways, how's the family reunion going?"

"Oh it's fantastic, my parents are getting a divorce." She said casually.

"What?" I launched forward in my bed in absolute shock.

"Or is it a puppy? Yeah, no. They're getting a doggo, not a divorce." She corrected herself and I felt my eyes close.

"You're drunk aren't you?" I asked while nodding to myself.

"Little bit, yeah." She said and I could practically feel her nodding through the phone. "I couldn't survive being around all of these people for an entire night without some Dutch courage. Making my drinks Irish. Being hammered! I hate everyone Lessia, I can't stand'em!"

I laughed to myself as she passionately slaughtered her family with her words. I heard some rustling noises before a male voice came through the speaker.

"Hey Alessia? It's Penn. Holly's drunk and I'm going to take her home, want me to get her to call you when she's sober?" Holly's boyfriend Penn said politely as Holly protested in the background.

"Sure, yeah that's be great. Thank you and good luck."

"Thanks, imma need it. Oh and by the way, Sofia's my cousin. She's a bitch."

I giggled at Penn's response. "Goodnight."

"Night."

I let my phone drop to onto the pillow beside me and let my hands rise to my face. My palms slide up my cheeks until they came together, blocking the light and world out. I sighed into my hands as my phone buzzed.

It was probably Teegan and Chloe in the group chat, but just in case I picked up my phone. The locked screen lit up to show an Instagram notification blocking my beautiful background picture (It was my cat, Agent Miggs).

Instagram.

CEvan has followed you.

I rolled my eyes and locked the sceen before hearing yet another notification come through. Lifting the phone with curiosity I braved myself for the worst.

Instagram.

Private Message from CEvans:

Hey, I'm really sorry about today.

I let out a sigh of relief expecting that Sofia had followed me and I really didn't want to have to block her and cause tension between us all.

I clicked on the message and used my thumb print to unlock the phone and take me to what Chris wanted to say to me. The full message read:

@CEvans: Hey, I'm really sorry about today. When I told my girlfriend I'd be baking with you she flipped. Can't say that I blame her. I'm sorry if I upset you by not showing up and not handling the situation as I should have, I feel terrible about it. I should also apologise about Sofia laughing at you, it was uncalled for and nasty. I'm sorry to say you probably won't get an apology from her but you will from me. Note to self, when Lucy asks us to babysit Joe we'll do it at my Mom's house to avoid future awkwardness. Again I'm really sorry.

I took a deep breath after reading Chris' novel and began drafting chapter two, my response.

@AlessiaPerri

No worries. Please don't feel bad, it wasn't your fault, I didn't expect anyone to be there. If anything Lucy should have warned me that you'd be coming over. Thank you for being so kind.

I decided that I'd let that be my last interaction with Chris, not to cause anymore problems.

Previously (chapter two)

Next (chapter four)