#HALSEY THE FACT THAT YOU ARE NOT AS RECOGNIZED AS YOU SHOULD BE ALWAYS PISSES ME OFF BUT I LOVE YOU SO IT'S FINE
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real talk tho halsey is an artist who has consistently been making music that means something and makes you actually feel something IT'S NEVER JUST NOISE W HER/THEM
#HALSEY THE FACT THAT YOU ARE NOT AS RECOGNIZED AS YOU SHOULD BE ALWAYS PISSES ME OFF BUT I LOVE YOU SO IT'S FINE#i'm not even halfway through this album yet#and she's already got me living vicariously through the hell she's been through and back#the great impersonator#halsey
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10 Songs that make Love/Sex Sound Like No Fun
Happy Vagina Day! I mean Happy Valentines Day!
[wipes brow]
What do you mean itâs the 15th???
Valentines Day has always been my least favorite holiday, even now when I can actually appreciate it as a taken man. I was never a very romantic person, as hard as I try, and a lot of the gushy crap forced down our throats around February is akin to being buttfucked with a tree branch. Itâs like walking into a store and all of the workers are talking in uwu-speak.
Hewwo wewcome to Gwistedes dat wiww be 20 dowwaws! Cash oah cwedit?
But if February is good for one thing aside from overcoming your Winter Break Hangover, as a song critic, itâs a good time to talk about love songs. (And fuck songs, âcause thereâs a lot of those.) But talking about songs that actually bring out powerful romantic feelings is absolutely no fun, because like I said, Iâm not a romantic man. Wouldnât it be much more fun to find love and sex songs that make the acts seem... really, really lame? So thatâs what weâre doing.
Keep in mind that I donât know every song on the planet, in fact, my scope is actually a very small, strange corner of the musical world. So if you have your own list, feel free to put it together and show me if you want! Go crazy.
Honorable mentions go to any songs that arenât actually intended to be romantic or sexy. Stuff like The Nine Inch Nailsâ Closer. Or Eminemâs Kim. If thatâs your idea of love, well... you do you I guess. Thereâll be more honorables later.
Nuuuumber 10!
Closer - The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey
I personally believe both of the artists involved in this are more sexually weak than Kevin from F is for Family. (And if youâve watched the whole series you know exactly what Iâm talking about. Also hit me the fuck up, I need someone to fanboy over that shit with.)
I like Halsey. I donât think sheâs amazing or anything. Oftentimes I feel like her greatest flaw as an artist is that she wants to do three things at once: Appeal to internet people who like stuff like Marina and Lana del Rey (eg. Colors), appeal to a mainstream that just likes regular easy-listening pop music (eg. New Americana), and also just do her own thing and talk about her own experiences (eg. Control and Gasoline). These things donât really work that well together at times. New Americana is one of those times, I hate that song. Closer is another one of those times.
The Chainsmokers kind of improved by 2017, but for awhile they were putting out soulless crap like Donât Let Me Down with all the excitement of a party that only consists of art students. Closer is also lame. But more than that it shows me two things: The first being that Andrew Taggart is an asshole, and the second being that the Chainsmokers donât know how to write women and even Halseyâs halfway-decent voice and attempts at emotion canât really fix it.
âHey, I drink a lot. But everything was fine before we started dating, so it must be YOUR fault!â
Part of me almost feels like Taggart just really wants to fuck Halsey and so he wrote this song as an excuse, like itâs essentially the expensive version of a self-insert fanfic.Â
If the Chainsmokers are good at one thing, itâs lyrical detail. It worked in their favor in Paris, which is a song that I actually really love. All of the tiny details worked into it paint an insanely vivid picture of these two rich kids basically having some kind of one-night stand.
In Closer it does the complete opposite. I have a hard time believing that thereâs any thought less sexy than fucking in the backseat of a range rover with a mattress in the trunk that belonged to your roommate, and they probably masturbated on it and how do you even have this car if you canât afford it? Or is Taggart just being fucking presumptuous? Dammit, man.
Halsey plays this really pathetic character who left Taggartâs character based on looks alone, and is now regretting it because I guess the endless sexual draw of the weird long-headed guy from the Chainsmokers would make anyone change their mind. It paints Halseyâs character as pathetic, and thatâs a character I have absolutely never wanted to see her play. Because her personality as a singer is kind of thin. When sheâs playing a character who is aggressive and violently emotional, it works, but when in a role like this it feels like misuse of her actual talent. Kind of equivalent to when they got Eminem on that strip club song Shake That.
(He donât get it. You donât get it. And most of all, I donât get it.)
Frankly, Halseyâs strengths (âspecific yet vagueâ emotional detail) donât play off well with the Chainsmokersâ strengths. (detailed scenery to piece together vague stories) These two should never have gotten together. Frankly, they shouldnât have even tried,
Numéro Neuf
You Was Right - Lil Uzi Vert
His face is so weird. Itâs just so weird.
I have a kind of odd love of Lil Uzi Vert, despite the fact Iâve only heard one song that I really liked. (XO Tour Lif3, for the record.) I feel like he has a creative energy that most artists in pop are missing, but heâs really, REALLY not using it to his advantage. A lot of his songs are just kind of... nothing.Â
You Was Right is one of those hits that was so early in 2017, my brain keeps telling me it was a 2016 hit. It was also Uziâs first platinum single. Itâs an okay song musically. Not that interesting. Beat kind of sounds like it was bumped from Wicked, which is not helped by the fact that Metro Boominâ was involved in both songs. But lyrically, this song is... weird and confusing.
The basic plot makes sense: Lil Uziâs character in this song feels bad after cheating on his girlfriend, and he wishes he could turn back time and stop himself from doing so. But man. This song makes the idea of a relationship with Lil Uzi sound like way more trouble than itâs worth.
I bet youâre asking me:Â âPanda, is this line accompanied by the most obnoxious eye-roll possible in the music video?â
Yes. Yes it is.
Yep, thatâs right. Lil Uzi is feeling guilty, and wishes heâd never taken this girl home, and--
Uzi stop.
You shouldâve just not. Done anything. Because you have a girlfriend. You shouldnât have boned, you shouldâve gone home and boned your girlfriend, dammit Lil Uzi. Let me like you, you bastard.
The reason this isnât any higher is because I at least feel like Uzi has some kind of love for his girlfriend. As the second line indicates that the moment he saw his girlfriend, he immediately passed by some other woman to hit her up. But still...
I THINK YOU KIND OF DID WRECK HER. YOU FUCKED A GROUPIE, MAN.
This whole verse is just funny I have no explanation. Like. Youâre in the same room, but because the door is locked, even though... youâre in the same room? You canât talk? But sheâs actually in the bathroom. And Uzi needs to take a piss, so heâs basically just forcing some romantic lovey-dovey crap, like babe I wanna caress you, Iâm seriously gonna wreck the carpet right now, can we just move on from this.
But hereâs the best/worst line, in my humble onion:
1. What does this have to do with anything,
2. Heâs gonna fuck your sister and then kill her if you talk shit, I guess. So to my sister, I am very sorry.
I think Uzi improved on conveying emotion in his next album, or at least with the big single XO Tour Lif3, which Iâll defend until Iâm dead. But as for You Was Right, well... he was wrong.
NĂșmero Ochoooooo!
Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran
Did you wanna fuck Ed Sheeran?
NO?
TOO BAD.
Ed Sheeran is a musician I enjoy purely for the purpose of mocking him. While he does, now and then, drop a good single like Donât, Sing or Castle on the Hill, oftentimes he exudes only one thing:
PERPETUAL VIRGINITY!
Maybe itâs because of his voice. Or maybe itâs because he looks like a high schooler who hit puberty too late. Maybe itâs because I have THIS picture of him saved to my computer:
Look at him. Look at his fucking face.
He just exudes involuntary celibacy. Not like the reddit âhurgh durgh FEMOIDSâ kind, just like. The âsees a naked boob and passes out bleeding like an anime characterâ kind.
Look at his fucking face. He looks like heâs not sure how to hold a womanâs hand. He looks like he doesnât even know what it is. I donât know how Iâm expected to recognize Ed Sheeran as a sexually active man. The weird dinky three-tone beat ripped straight from Siaâs Cheap Thrills and pretty much every Rihanna song ever, namely Work, doesnât help in the slightest. Because hereâs the thing: Work and Cheap Thrills are not sex songs. If anything, theyâre songs about the lower class and their struggles. No fucking required, unless you count Drakeâs verse on Work.
Shape Of You is a sex song. And itâs about as sexy as wedging your dick in a paper bag.
Itâs like it was supposed to be a romantic sex song, but the vibe Iâm getting is a teenage boy up in your DMs asking (admittedly politely) for titty pics.Â
Heâs in love with the shape of you. Just your outline. Your contour. Like that one episode of Ed Edd ân Eddy where Jimmy somehow gets his linework stolen and has to be kept in a blender? He wouldnât fuck a lady like that. You gotta have a... shape. Square. Circle.Â
RECTANGLE GIRLS OF THE WORLD
This isnât helping the whole âvirginal loserâ thing for the record.
The verses try to be more romantic, and totally fail at it because letâs be honest, if Ed Sheeran took me to an all-you-can-eat buffet on our first date, Iâd probably kill him. McDonaldâs is even preferable. I guess itâs also technically more expensive if you want seconds, but like... everyone there is probably sweaty... and the food usually looks really gross. Sometimes you have mashed potatoes in the steak bucket and it just completely ruins your day.
Edâs wispy delivery really doesnât help, as he has all the sexual energy of a castrated Charlie Puth. Heâs not crazy. He does not fit the radio definition of âcrazyâ. Heâs the musician that I just see the least as one who fucks. Puth gets more pussy. The ICP get more pussy. Meghan Trainor probably fucks more than he does, and I wouldnât be surprised if she was some kind of otherworldly plant being that reproduces via budding.Â
Also Iâd feel bad if I didnât mention the video, which is literally, no joke, the video for Maroon 5âČs One More Night. You know, where the lead singer becomes a badass boxer who punches shit. Now Iâll probably drop my feelings towards Maroon 5 with more detail in the future, but in short, I actually enjoy most of their singles. One More Night is a fun song in my opinion, not high art or anything, but I like it. Adamâs falsetto doesnât bug me as much as other people. Iâd prefer him singing in a high pitch than, say, Swae Lee.
(Dammit Swae, let me love you, you bastard.)
But see, I actually also prefer the VIDEO for One More Night. For two big reasons.
1. Adam Levine is at least a little more threatening than Ed Sheeran. Remember how fucking goofy Animals was BECAUSE Adam was singing it? Imagine if Ed was on that track. Itâd be ridiculous.
and
2. One More Night was a song about how his relationship with his girlfriend basically feels like a warzone. The violence in the music video was, at some level, metaphorical. In Shape Of You it doesnât have any emotional or symbolic relevance, so I just have to take at face-value that Ed Sheeran is a boxer, and...
Thatâs just not happening.
Numerum VII!
Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell and T.I.
This would easily be higher up if not for the fact that, on the most technical level, itâs a joke song.
Bet you didnât know that.
Yeah, the joke here is that these three are singing this ridiculous sex jam despite in real life all being happily married men (or at least were at the time this song came out, Robinâs wife promptly dropped him as soon as this album fell into our collective hands) who are way past their prime when it comes to flirting with chicks at the club. Also, Pharrell looks like an alien.
Iâm not gonna extend this too much, as everyoneâs already riffed on Blurred Lines more than weâve probably riffed on other socially questionable songs like U.O.E.N.O. or Treat You Better. But this song sounds like it... COULD BE about sexual assault?
Iâll be fair and say that I donât think this is straight-up a rape song. Because the thing is that itâs not actually about sex, itâs about picking up girls. But Robinâs approach is so slimy and gross that Iâd honestly prefer, very specifically, to re-enact that one scene from The Simpsonsâ Cape Feare where they drive through a bunch of cacti with Sideshow Bob hanging on the bottom of the car, and Iâm Sideshow Bob, but facing the ground with my dick out, so it slides through the cactus like a sad, sad little pool noodle full of thumbtacks.
On one hand, thereâs implications of attempting to get consent, and on the other hand, thereâs also discussion of whether or not heâs actually GETTING consent or not. Maybe itâd work if Robin Thicke had more swagger to his personality, and if they removed all the stuff about âblurred linesâ, itâd be less suspicious. But even then itâd still sound like a /r/niceguy trying to convince a girl that she WANTS to fuck him.
Once again Iâd like to mention the video real quick, specifically the alternate version.
The topless version somehow makes it even LESS sexy. When the women were clothed, it definitely gave more of a vibe of âcheeky girl at a bar playing hard to getâ, but once you have a bunch of topless chicks running around looking unhappy and bored, it reads more as... âharem sex dungeonâ.
Not much else to say, really. Other than that Miley Cyrus has horrible taste in men.
Even you can do better, Miley.
Nummer Sechs!
The Hills - The Weeknd
The Hills is about as sexy as getting the bottom half of my body lost in the void while prime minister Shinzo Abe projectile vomits onto my face.
I actually like this song. But it doesnât sound like sex. At all.
It does sound like a good horror movie soundtrack, which I guess...
I guess at least this line would make sense if it was?
Everything about this song kind of punches you. The beat punches you and the tune punches you and itâs really really loud. Literally everything about this song fits together EXCEPT THE PREMISE. This is, from what I can gather, a song about some dark spooky sex machine whoâs helping a girl cheat on her boyfriend, but doesnât really care because his drug problem or something is more important to him. And nothing fits with it.
Say what you want about Earned It, it sounds like a sex song. Maybe Iâll discuss that song in the future, but while Earned It creates the vibe of some sort of expensive Blank Space-esque rich guy mansion with a sexual twist, The Hills sounds more like... an explosion in a really dark place. Even the video works for the sound more than it works for the premise. Frankly, if this had been a song about a break-up or being sent to prison or something, Iâd totally buy it. The Weekndâs warbling baby voice can convey suffering more than it can convey sex.
The best way I can explain this is...
Imagine if Rolex was backed by the ending track from A Serbian Film. Thatâs the tonal problem weâre talking here.
Though lyrically, The Hills isnât high art either.
Bragging about erectile dysfunction: Counting this and Young Thugâs Lifestyle, I guess we can call this a theme now. I hate it. Also, Weeknd rhymes âsimpleâ with âsimpleâ. And the fact that this is a fuckjam makes the title drop of The Hills Have Eyes even more questionable. Iâd honestly rather hear a sex song based on Cannibal Holocaust.
Also, fun fact, this song has a remix featuring Eminem. Fucking EMINEM. That is the least sexy rapper you could have picked. You could have chosen anyone for your sex song, and you picked the man responsible for such classic sensual love songs as Stan and Just Lose It.
Dear Weeknd, I wrote you but you still ainât callinâ...
Still a song I like. Just... pretend itâs not about boning.
Numero Cinque!
Bad Things - Machine Gun Kelly ft. Camila Cabello
I debated deep in my heart as to whether or not I could, in good taste, put this song on the list. Because I really shouldnât expect a whole lot from ex-Fifth Harmony member as well as the only Fifth Harmony member anyone knows the name of, Camila Cabello, as well as this weirdo Machine Gun Kelly, who looks like a very failed attempt to clone Macklemore.
But then I read this.
Wait, this is a love song?
I thought it was just... about like, fucking.
ALSO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAMPLE OUT OF MY HEAD IN A LOVE SONG.
And most importantly, and much less aggressively, why does this song sound like itâs about, like... abuse.
Like, yeah. Youâre- youâre giving each other scars. And guess what! This is actually edited.
Somehow the edit makes it both better and worse. Because on one hand, like, bruises usually sounds like more of an abuse thing. When I think of an abuse victim I see bruises. But, also, scars are... technically a bigger deal? Bruises go away. If youâre scarring up your SO, then you have some serious issues. And MGKâs uninterested delivery makes it way worse, as well as the Fastball sample that is from a song about hurting your lover. Which kind of sounds, uh, a lot like... whatâs going on here.
And, uh, I guess you could argue theyâre in a really intense BDSM relationship? I guess Camila seems pretty into it, and not really in like, a Stockholm Syndrome way. But the other thing that takes up a good chunk of this song is the comparison between drug dependence and romance.
Which really doesnât help?
Like drugs arenât a good thing. Honestly I feel like Kesha using this metaphor was a sign of things to come considering what happened to her in 2017. Because, hereâs a crazy thought, drugs may be addictive... but they also hurt you.
Like an abusive partnerokay weâre moving on sorry.
Numero NeljÀ!
Treat You Better - Shawn Mendes
Oh hey, I like, just mentioned this one.
Honestly, Kodak Blackâs Side N**** wouldâve taken this spot, except that I donât wanna think about Kodak Black. Ever. So you get the whiter version of it.
Treat You Better is another one of those songs that makes the idea of dating the singer sound insanely unappealing. But unlike You Was Right above, Treat You Better has next to no self-awareness.
Iâll admit that I donât really hate Shawn Mendes. I actually like Stitches, the tune is nice enough and regardless of how you feel about this apparently 6âČ2 tower of twink flesh, you canât really argue that he hasnât got a decent set of pipes on him.Â
But damn if his songwriters arenât trying to sour my opinion of him at every turn.
If this were an actual review, Iâd complain about how the backing guitar sounds exactly LIKE Stitches, but the problems arise in the lyrics, and the way the video plays off of the lyrics.
oh wait excuse me
Alright sorry.
But in case you canât tell, Treat You Better is basically a niceguy anthem. I mean, when I read the title I thought it was like the earlier-mentioned Fastballâs Out Of My Head or Hoobastoobaskeeboodidillybaboobastankâs The Reason where the male singer does some nonspecific bad thing to their SO and vows to be better in the future. You know, like--
(YAH... HUH... I PROMISE TO, UH... BE BETTER... YIEAH...)
But no, actually. Treat You Better is more equivalent to Dayaâs Hide Away, which you could honestly consider as on this list in the exact same spot because theyâre basically the same song.
I suspect the reason nobody wants to date Daya is because she dresses like Heather Chandler in the 2018 Heathers remake.
I also suspect her and Shawn would absolutely love one anotherâs company.Â
To be absolutely fair, neither of these songs take the stance that real life nicefolk take, because itâd make them look absolutely insufferable. The big reason I chose Treat You Better over Hide Away for this list is that the video tries to imply that Shawnâs object of attraction is being abused by her current boyfriend. Which I guess makes sense, but...
I love how the combination of the song and the video essentially imply that Shawnâs got this ladyfriend whoâs being beaten to shit by her boyfriend and his only response is man, this is why you shouldâve dated me instead! I would be WAY better to you than that guy!
Instead of, you know.
This guy is seriously terrible to you and Iâm calling the police.
Or better yet!
Kill him.
Also this girlâs just not... a very good actress. Iâm not asking for a Hollywood performance, just, you know. Some kind of expression other than âmild disinterestâ when youâre about to get your shit kicked in would be nice.
Really the big issue is that, regardless of whether or not weâre supposed to see the girl as an abuse victim, Shawn will forever see himself as the victim. Which means itâs either
A. Some dildo victimizing himself because his best friend is a taken woman and he wants to Betta in her Dannygans.
or B. Some dildo victimizing himself because his best friend is in an abusive relationship... and he wants to Betta in her Dannygans.
So either way, Shawn Mendesâ greatest worry isnât your safety, or if youâre happy in your current relationship, his one worry is getting his spindly little baby-soft white boy hands into your undies. And frankly, I just donât need that in my life!
the third one
Honey Iâm Good - Andy Grammar
How much do you wanna bet all these couples broke up/got divorced after featuring in this thing?Â
I labored over how this one matched up with #2, but decided it was at least making some sad, sad attempt to promote faithfulness in couples. See the plot of this song written by Andy Grammar, who Iâm assuming is a one-hit wonder because Iâd certainly never heard of him until this song came out, is stated very clearly:
I think the best part about this is the way itâs worded. âI gotta be like oh baby, nah babyâ makes him sound so annoyed. Like, âUgh, I wanna bone you, but I wanna be nice to my wife or whatever, so I GUESS Iâll turn you down... Sigh...â
So this is essentially a self-fellating anthem congratulating Andyâs character for not cheating on his wife. Because, as he says,
âYeah, babe, better men than me have cheated on their wives, so itâd be totally fine if I DID, but Iâm such a Nice Dude that I wonât do it. For my wife. Smooch.â
One could argue that heâs supposed to be drunk, but letâs be real here: Being drunk doesnât make you lie. If anything, it makes you more honest. Booze is a truth serum. Now if he had just gotten out of dental care after getting his wisdom teeth pulled and his hot lady dentist was trying to flirt with him, maybe I could imagine it making sense.
And once again, the Devilâs Advocate could say, âwell if heâs being honest, then this shouldnât be a problem, heâs faithful to his wifeâ, but the thing is that heâs not even totally drunk yet.
Translation: If I have another drink, Iâll be so boozed up that my honest feelings will make me want to fuck that ass.
Heâs tipsy at best, which is why heâd admit to considering this at all, but if he were more drunk heâd totally fuck this assumedly more attractive woman. So for all we know heâll go back to the club tomorrow, have one too many, and considering how well this stupid song did, heâd throw enough money at the next Cambodian prostitute he runs into to buy her a mansion.
The congratulatory tone to the music doesnât really help, it really does feel like Grammar is sucking himself off for having the âwillpowerâ to not be a completely terrible person. The only thing that makes it even more hilariously sad is the video of elderly couples lip-syncing to it, all the while holding up signs or wearing shirts that say how many years theyâve been together. Itâs as if theyâre bragging about how their marriage is bound to last way longer than the marriage in the song.
âMildred, do you promise not to bone a random guy at the bar when Iâm home?â âOnly if you promise not to do that either, you rascal you.â
For all I know, Andy Grammarâs a great guy! But with only this song to go by, Iâm obligated to assume that heâs a complete dildo who wears a mask of faux-Southern charm when heâs sober and avoids getting drunk so that mask doesnât shloff off of his face like heâs a juggalo at the official sprinkler festival.
The weirdest part of this to me is that this song is so catchy we actually fell for it, if only for awhile. And its happy tone kind of makes you forget the lyrics. I almost feel like that was intentional. Like, his producers looked at the lyrics and just said, âBoys, letâs fix this shit.â Itâs not even good production, itâs just really catchy! Fuck!
All in all, Honey Iâm Good is about as romantic as listening to my parents argue at 12 in the morning. Not only is there no reason Andy Grammar deserves any congrats on his mediocre âfeatâ, but he really doesnât seem to love his wife that much, if a shot of tequila and a scantily-clad cokewhore is enough to wreck his faith.
Numbah TWOOOOO!
What The Hell - Avril Lavigne
Iâd honestly argue that Avril Lavigneâs character as a singer is equally sociopathic to that of Taylor Swift and Cher Lloyd. I feel like after Hello Kitty slaughtered her reputation and career forever, we kind of forgot how genuinely terrifying she was. Sheâs like every horrible thing about being a teenager squeezed into one person whoâs way too old to be pretending to be a teenager. I mean, look at Girlfriend. The only thing more terrifying than Girlfriend is, well, What The Hell.Â
Because, you know. Thatâs not a problem or anything.
Rather than the obsessive character from Girlfriend, Avril in this song is the complete opposite. She doesnât make connections with anybody, and when sheâs sick of a relationship, sheâll move onto her boyfriendâs friends, strangers, fans, non-fans, parents, teachers, Todd Howard, etcetera. So sheâll go around macking on anything she wants and then have blase, slightly annoyed reaction when her boyfriend is completely horrified by it.
(This? This is my greatest fear.)
Her disinterest really comes out in the lyrics, and her sales pitch is, basically, this is just who I am and you should fuck me even if you donât like it. Especially since, while I hate to be the guy who says it, if this was a song by a guy, everyone would fucking hate it. I actually donât mind the beat or the tune, honestly, I listen to this song sometimes when Iâm out of music that rises above the bar of âguilty pleasureâ. That almost makes this worse. Everything is delivered with the disinterest of a Future verse, as if this is just a normal thing, and looking back imagining middle school me singing along to this is pretty fucked.Â
Not that I really blame this for any kind of influence on children. Honestly I donât think anyone was really listening to the lyrics, they were just having fun. Itâs fun! Thatâs pretty messed up.
By the way, I think this bit on the bridge says a lot about Avril as a writer (and maybe even as a person):
I love the assumption that this guy is still devoted to her after she has cheated on him and shown no remorse whatsoever. Why would he really want her back? Personally Iâd say something along the lines of âfuck you, bitch, go get syphilis somewhere where it canât be transferred to me.â Bye bye!
Really, though, the more Avril Lavigne tried to lean into her teen rebellion phase, the more I realized how old she was. And as she got older, and tried to be more rebellious, it became less endearing and more sociopathic. Maybe sheâs a really nice person, but at the same time, to write a song like this, I canât really tell. Especially when THIS is how she describes it:
Avril, you read the lyrics, right? Of course you did, you sang it. Jesus, lady.
Well, before we move onto the big weiner, letâs talk honorable mentions!
You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
Surprised that Taylor didnât make it on here? It came down to the wire, but in the end, the concept of screwing in a pile of jizzy sheets in a range rover bumped this one off the list. Still, though, Taylorâs attempts to be ârelatableâ end up making her sound desperate. And also Taylorâs pre-existing ideas of why sheâs âbetterâ for him than this other girl kinda remind me of...
Hide Away - Daya
I almost wish I had found space for this song since I hate it so much. But really my biggest problem with it is that Daya sings like a rubber goose and that, of course, the nicegirl/niceguy mentality needs to die and people like Daya are perpetuating it.
Donât Wanna Know - Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar
Yikes, dude. Just... yikes.
Marvin Gaye - Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor
Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor are two beacons of sexlessness and this song does Marvin Gaye a disservice. The only reason I left it off is because itâs honestly been discussed to death, Iâm almost like, tired of hearing about it.Â
Side N**** - Kodak Black
This isnât even a niceguy song, itâs literally âyou should date me because Iâll shoot you and your man if you donâtâ. Iâd have loved to make space for it, but I donât even want to listen to this song in full, or talk about this guy. At this point Kodak Black is keeping the fire lit with controversy. Iâd like to just dump water on it.
NUMBER ONE!
Sigh. This oneâs obvious enough.
Dear Future Husband - Meghan Trainor ft. Satan, probably
Sometimes you just gotta throw your hands up and say STOP, MEGHAN! STOP!
STOP!
Meghan Trainor is an artist who I actually do understand the appeal of: She appeals to white feminist teenage girls and soccer moms that still read Twilight even though their daughters are long since over it. But, sadly, thatâs two demographics of people I hate, and thus, I find myself hating everything Meghan Trainor puts out. The only remotely passable single I remember by her was Lips Are Moving. Dear Future Husband isnât even my least favorite fucking Meghan Trainor song. (Itâd probably be No, if I had to pick.) But god, if this song isnât just... oof.
Letâs get the shoehorned feminist message out of the way:
We know you have a job, nobodyâs expecting you to cook, why would you bake pies all day, who needs that many pies, no you canât write a hook, and these views are insanely outdated for anyone who doesnât have a Return of Kings account. So great, you have a job and canât cook. Cool. Thatâs a thing with a lot of people.
Honestly the insistence that she âdeserves itâ even though she makes no attempt to prove herself a good wife aside from saying sheâll buy you groceries and fuck you sometimes. This song kind of lays on the assumption that youâll do literally anything because, duh, sheâs famous musician Meghan Trainor, and if you donât do these things, YOU JUST HATE FAT GIRLS.
(Mary Lambert never pulls this shit. And she weighs more than the gold toilet you use, while youâre using it, MEGHAN.)
Honestly though, listening to Meghan Trainor songs just kind of turn me into that obnoxious guy on 4chan who unironically uses the term âfeminaziâ in 2018. Because really, she fits every feminist stereotype in existence, and she never says anything of any worth.
Now that weâve got that out of the way--
Acting crazy... how?
Do we mean like, Ren & Stimpy crazy, or Avril Lavigne crazy?
Because Iâm terrified itâs the latter.
Meghan kind of talks about her theoretical future husband like heâs a dog, or some other kind of animal that does badass tricks. Essentially obligating him to constantly do what she wants, when she wants it, and never disagree with her even if sheâs in the wrong, because then she MIGHT fuck him. Or, uh, excuse me,
Some KISSES! :D
You like KISSES, donât you? Whoâs a good boy? WHOâS A GOOD BOY? ITâS YOU! YOUâRE A GOOD BOY!
...
[clears throat]
It doesnât help that this song is, essentially, just a list of requests and things this guy has to do. So while Meghan can do whatever she wants, her husband is still required to do the traditionalist romance crap like buy her things, lose every argument, hold doors, accept potential insanity, and be âclassyâ.
Honestly, donât let Daya and Meghan Trainor do a single together. I think the pain of hearing it will overtake my body. Like that forcible body-wracking feeling you get when you dry heave.
The best part being that I havenât even touched on the worst line.
So like, ignoring all of the other shit, if a girlfriend or potential wife said this to me, Iâd jump ship. Like, controlling every other aspect of your life wasnât enough, she also gets to decide what people you see! So if she doesnât really like your good friend John, then heâs banned from this house forever. And forget about seeing your grandpa. She doesnât care if he has cancer! You fucking MISOGYNIST PIG! LOVE YOUR WIFE!
Urgh. Of course the song that combines the insanity of What The Hell with the me-me-me attitude of Treat You Better and the bored lack of emotional connection in You Was Right would top this list. Iâm glad Meghan Trainor killed her own career in 2016, because I donât think Iâd be able to handle another year of these shitty faux-feminist throwback jams. Thanks, Me Too!
If I was you, Iâd wanna anyone besides me, too!
Also, if anyoneâs curious about ratings Iâd give these, here you go.
10 - 2/5 stars. Not good enough to be mediocre.
9 - 1.5/5 stars, mostly because Lil Uzi can do better, which is half a saving grace and half a detriment.
8 - 1/5 stars. Ech.
7 - 2/5 stars. Iâll admit the Blurred Lines controversy was blown out of proportion, but itâs still not that great of a song.
6 - 3.5/5 stars. I can get down to this, itâs just... not sexy.
5 - 0/5 stars. RIP Fastball.
4 - .5/5 stars. Only because Shawnâs slurring is funny.
3 - 2/5 stars. At least itâs fun, I guess.
2 - 2.5/5 stars. Again, at least itâs enjoyable if you ignore the words.
1 - 0/5 stars. No more Meghan, please.
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