#HALF THE SHIT I LEARNED IN THE PHYSICS 12 EQUIVALENT WAS SHIT I LEARNED IN PHYSICS 11

[peanutheaddd]

NEW PEANOR AU YYYYAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dm DIVINE LIBERATION AU!!!!!!!!! deets below cut as always

im gonna preface by saying idk anything about the christianity lore and im not all too interested in learning it either. i was a christian for much of the early years of my life and i dont care much to go back to that era LMFAO most of this au is js using christian imagery bc the christians lwk ate so hard w their religious imagery . neon genesis evangelion type beat . anwyays moving on.

a bit obvious but i gotta start my lore dump somewhere. dm is a priest in this au and petey is a demon

petey is a fallen angel . as in he was born an angel but he was expelled from heaven

in this au there is corruption in the heaven and hell system . god is dead type beat. but not rlly . maybe dormant? maybe god has lost faith in humankind and has gone into hibernation? god cannot exist without faith smth smth Aaanyways.

that being said petey only got expelled from heaven for reasons almost entirely out of his control. he is still graces son and im thinking grace got involved in some anti heaven stuff bc yk heavens system was becoming more and more fucked up . so i reckon when they found out they executed her and as they were in the process of executing her petey tried to protect her but obvs he couldnt be he was a kid. so they executed her and expelled petey for being a traitor . this all happens when peteys like the human equivalent of 12-14 years old maturity wise

anwyays that being said lil petey is an angel. considering when petey was his age he was still an angel . i will go more into lp later

petey is sorta in denial about falling at first bc hes scared but eventually he just leans into the demon thing bc he feels helpless (parallel to canon petey) and just causes a shit ton of trouble. his causing trouble is a way of protecting himself Essentially

eventually he causes a little Too much trouble and he gets turned into a powerless imp by the higher up demons . hes doomed to stay in that form unless hes able to corrupt a priest whos been causing a lot of trouble for the demons . Guess who this priest is.

dms accident with knight still happened (probs happened as a result of one of peteys Funny Doings but not as a direct result.) and dm copes with it by seeing it as a holy act of salvation or wahtnot. like he was saved by gods blessing and by knights sacrifice. half of this is bullshit since as i said god is in a hibernation state. so it was really just All knight. but anyways

knight was a priest before this and its the only life that dms ever known so he kinda just continues with it . he is lwk a better priest than knight was (he got a lot of secondhand religious education just from being around knight so much and hes smarter than knight) so the church just lets him take knights place essentially.

dm is just more calm and collected in this au as well . he found out pretty early on that him being too energetic got knight into trouble which made him sad so he learned to control himself a bit . there was also the threat of him being taken away from knight if he acted out too much which was the worst case scenario for him so , yeah another incentive to behave himself .

anwysays a lot of petey and dms interactions initially are pretty lighthearted . book1 and 2 core. its js petey annoying the hell out of him and dm trying to ignore him LMFAOOOOO this is how petey gets the genius idea to try and summon a clone so he can be more effective in bothering dm . this is how lil petey is created LMFAAOAOOOOO

for this au peteys denial about being related to lp in any way shape or form is waaaayyy worse bc he still has a Lot of trauma from when he was in his angelic state . and he doesnt wanna associate with angels or heaven in any capacity . so even looking at lp is hard for him.

peteys still able to go into his full demon state, but only for brief periods of time . its also super physically taxing so he has to be really careful about it or else he could abruptly change back into his imp form when hes in the middle of danger

eventually petey "corrupts" dm as in dm just acts like a Human (this is also a criticism on the inhumane standards placed on people and how oftentimes humans are shamed for acting like Humans because theyre being held to some holy standard for the promise of a perfect afterlife . using christianity as a proxy for this since christianity is the shining example of doing this a lot) . im thinking its him going against an angel or holy figure to protect petey and/or lil petey

im thinking the overarching plot of this story is intimately tied to lil petey. the plot starts off with petey trying to corrupt lil petey and turn him into a demon so that he can have a little minion .

this attempt to corrupt lp continues even after petey starts to see him more as his son because then hes like well if im a demon then my son should also be a demon . hes also starting to get scsred of what heaven might do if they find out about him . bc as far as peteys aware once heaven gets wind of lil peteys existence theyd either execute him for being an anomoly or just take him away to raise him in heaven since hes an angel. both scenarios are likely (knowing heaven) and its also literlaly the worst thing that could possibly happen. so he slike okay if i just turn lp into a demon then theres no reason for heaven to take him away .

((semi unrelated but this is a parallel to canon to me. this is js my personal headcanon but i think peteys so obsessed eith having lil petey turn out evil in the earlier parts of the series because for him acting evil was a self defense tactic. its a way to protect himself. so by having lil petey act evil hes essentially teaching him how to protect himself in the only way he knows how . when he was rejected by the world and left all alone he was able to stay alive by being a criminal. and past the nonchalant "u have to be evil just because" facade i truly do think it was . again petey subconsciously teaching lp to protect himself in the way that protected HIM from the world. so yeah ))

i think petey probs doesnt tell dm about any of this because dm is a priest . petey fully believes that if dm finds out about lil petey being his son and thus being technically disconnected from the heaven system he would try to alert heaven about it through some mortal means . so for a lot of the earlier parts of the plot dm thinks that lp is a little angel who just kinda comes down to earth from time to time . hes totally unaware that he and petey are related . yes they look almost the same but an angel and a demon being related is totally unprecedented . so he doesnt even consider it

petey also makes sure that lil petey keeps his mouth shut about them being related by telling him that if dm ever finds out that hes his dad then he might never see him again .

but what petey fails to realize is that dms loyalty doesnt lie with the church . it lies with knight . his loyalty is far removed from any kind of institution . so when he evtnually does find out (i reckon through some way out of peteys control) and petey basicaly begs him not to tell heaven because of systematic issues and the possibility of lp getting executed dm immediately agrees. at this point hes close enough to lp and petey by extension that hes willing to forgo his loyalty to the church which only really existed because of knight in the first place . everything he had done religion wise up until this point was bc of knight . so if hes asked to choose between what knight might have wanted vs the real tangible being that is begging him not to tell heaven then he is going to choose the real tangible being . thats his family dawg.

essentially for dm the real living thing happenign in his world is infinitely more important than the moral system that hes been taught .

plot basically then goes to heaven finding out and sending angels to try and find lp as petey and dm get up to shenanigans to hide him . i reckon hell also gets involved in it . heaven and hell are "opposites" but theyre hand in hand when it comes to their shit polarized system . and lil petey as an angel being petey the demons son goes against this system and undermines their power . so both heaven and hell arent all too happy about it .

the climax is the event where dm is "corrupted" like i mentioned above . i reckon this is the event that brings god out of hibernation . smth smth free will smth smth complete and total rejection of heaven by one of its servants for a holy purpose smth smth . you feel me ? and i reckon the angels are abt to finish them off or smth and god is like HEY. STOP THAT. 👎👎👎👎

petey does not become an angel again at the end of the plot. dm does not become an angel or a demon or anything like that . he just stays a mortal being. and he still stays loyal to religion in knights memory despite being friendly with a demon, despite defying the church for said demon. the whole point is that this polarization of identity bullshit is stupid when humanity is so diverse . theres nuance snd complexity and its literlaly impossible to categorize people into discrete identities. thats not how it works

i reckon dm doesnt stay a priest just because that would require adhering to their standards which dm does not fuck with . so he probs just goes and finds some other job while staying religious. smth smth religion is not inherently evil its only the way that its used by hateful people

holy fuck this might be one of the longest lore dumps ive ever done about an au. god bles. LMFAOOOOOOOOO

[whumpster-fire]

Harry Potter and the False Double Standards

You know, I hate to get involved in Fandom Discourse or anything, but I’m getting really sick of reading people’s takes bashing Harry, Ron, and Hermione because of various actions throughout the series, and the latest is someone claiming the fandom is judging poor little Draco unfairly and calling him evil because he didn’t like Harry Potter when the trio were actually just as bad.

Okay, I’m legitimately pissed about this one because of how ridiculously far off the mark it is. Let’s tally their main sketchy actions throughout the series, shall we? Long wall of text ahead. In this essay I will

Harry and co, year 1: Assorted sneaking out at night, mostly looking for information or to try to stop a mass murderer from returning to life. One count of dragon-smuggling… for the purpose of putting that dragon in the hands of a professional dragon-tamer who was equipped to care for it properly. Hermione lit a teacher’s robes on fire… during a Quidditch Match where Harry’s life was in imminent danger due to a broom that was very obviously being jinxed and said teacher, who had a history of abusive conduct towards Harry, was very obviously doing some sort of magic targeted at Harry. Hermione also hexed Neville, which is way more questionable, but again the trio had a reasonable belief that Snape, who at the time they still had good reason to believe tried to murder Harry, was trying to bring another person who had tried to murder Harry and successfully murdered his parents and many many other innocent people, from returning to life. I’m putting the blame for this squarely on the entire Hogwarts staff, especially Dumbledore, for never communicating with the three 11–12 year old children, who had already been put in a life-or-death emergency just two months into term (troll incident), at ALL about someone trying to murder Harry. Snape’s role in the order had to be kept secret, I know, but Dumbledore literally just let Harry and his friends believe that a person in a position of supposed trust and authority had tried to murder him and that no one was going to believe him or do anything to protect him.

Draco, year 1: Tries to befriend Harry, is told to fuck off because he can’t go five minutes without being a classist asshole. Proceeds to be a complete asshole to… it sounds like pretty much every Gryffindor in his year, special mention to bullying other students for poverty (Ron) and possibly having a learning disability (Neville).

Harry and co, year 2: Harry and Ron start the term with the admittedly extremely stupid and irresponsible theft of a car. There was kind of a precedent set when said car had to be used to literally break Harry out of his abusive relatives’ home because he was being imprisoned and nearly starved. Next comes the big incident everyone loves to rag on the trio, especially Hermione, for: stealing potions supplies and tricking a “teacher” (airquotes because it’s Lockhart) to make a restricted potion to spy on other students… to investigate a series of racially targeted murder attempts against other students, and a group that Hermione’s part of.

Draco, year 2: Steps up his bullying to throwing around racial slurs. Turns out not to be behind the attacks, but he was cheering them on. When he had a sympathetic audience he was saying he hoped his schoolmates would be murdered.

Harry and Co, year 3: Assorted petty sneaking around, physically attacked a teacher… who was about to kill a potentially innocent person. Used a time travel device in a questionable way to save an innocent person and animal from being killed.

Draco, year 3: Intentionally disobeyed a teacher’s safety instructions, got hurt, milked his injury to try to get the teacher fired because Draco was racist against said teacher.

Harry and Co, year 4: Don’t remember anything particularly irresponsible they did… oh, I guess Hermione imprisoning and sort of blackmailing Rita Skeeter into... stopping slandering her and Harry.

Draco, year 4: Vocally supported the racist hate group attacking a sporting event and assaulting people, vocally hoped for Hermione to be sexually assaulted. Proceeded to spend half the year helping slander Harry and Hermione, tried to suckerpunch him with an unknown spell, and in the immediate aftermath of the return of a mass murder and one of his schoolmates dying, again vocally supported the terrorist group and mocked his fellow student’s death. This was literally the equivalent of a school shooting.

Harry and Co, year 5: Started a secret club to teach students to fight because the DADA “teacher” was literally refusing to do her job, the government was covering up the fact that there was about to be a war and literally torturing Harry and trying to have him assassinated for speaking out. The trio were also at this point semi-inducted into the grown-ups’ secret resistance organization. This cannot be emphasized enough. Marietta Edgecomb wasn’t a normal schoolkid ratting troublemakers out to the teacher situation. Umbridge was dangerous. Hermione should probably have warned people that they’d be hit with a massive fucking curse if they betrayed the DA, and made it a little bit clearer that this wasn’t some fun after-school club and ratting them out to the enemy wouldn’t end well, but fundamentally the curse was a result of Hermione treating a situation that was really on the boundary between a school and a war zone at that point like an actual war, and branding a traitor as a traitor.

Malfoy, year 5: Is somehow made a prefect, proceeds to abuse his power against younger students. Also cozies up to Umbridge, and ramps his classist bullying against Ron WAY up when he makes the Quidditch team.

Harry and Co, year 6: Harry panicked and used an unknown spell marked “for enemies” in self-defense against a death eater who was attempting to use an unforgivable curse on him. Note: Malfoy had already started the year by curbstomping a paralyzed Harry and throwing the invisibility cloak over him so he wouldn’t be found. Malfoy came damn close to murdering him by causing him to choke on his own blood. Harry also knows exactly what the Cruciatus Curse does. I wouldn’t have judged Harry even if he did know what Sectumsempra did.

Malfoy, year 6: Again, Malfoy’s little nosebreaking stunt could EASILY have been fatal. He left someone who was paralyzed and unable to move lying on the ground, bleeding heavily in his fucking airway, and actively hid him from view to prevent him from being seen and receiving medical attention. Harry is expected to have figured out what Sectumsempra does from the Latin, but I guess nobody expects Draco to be aware of, like... Step 1 of first aid for someone who’s unconscious being turning them on their side for this exact reason. Anyway following this, Malfoy has at this point kind of been roped into trying to murder Dumbledore, and in fairness he gets cold feet once he’s actually expected to help commit the Death Eaters’ atrocities instead of just being in the cheerleading squad, and it seems like he might have changed.

Anyway, getting to my point: Is Draco Malfoy a product of his environment? Yes. Is his portrayal somewhat biased because the books are from Harry’s perspective and... no, NOT because Harry hates Draco, because Harry only really pays attention to Draco when he’s being an asshole, which seems to be every single time they actually interact.

But you can’t say he wasn’t a terrible person throughout the events of the series. Maybe he changed afterwards, but there’s not really much shown of it other than him becoming a functional adult and being somewhat civil towards his former enemies. Which I guess isn’t that different from James and Sirius. But even they were... they were total assholes, but again, Malfoy was a racist who was vocally cheering on murder attempts and later an actual murder of his schoolmates. That’s at another fucking level.

And there’s also a MASSIVE difference between their actions. Prior to sixth year, there’s a very clear pattern. Harry, Ron, and Hermione frequently break the rules and do things that are stupid, irresponsible, and occasionally hurt people, while trying to protect themselves, their loved ones, or other innocent people. And while the effects of the traumatic events they’ve been through aren’t always that obvious, I really do think events like that very first Quidditch match had a serious long-term psychological impact: their ability to fully trust adults and authority figures to have their backs or even look out for their physical safety was severely damaged from their very first term at Hogwarts. Malfoy hurt people, intentionally, for his own amusement from the very first term. Not to mention that he was almost always “punching down.” Prior to Sixth Year, pretty much every single person he targeted was based on institutional power dynamics: Ron was poor, Hermione was Muggle-born, Neville was possibly disabled (and it turns out actually insecure due to being abused), and the one person in any position of power over him he really started shit with, Hagrid, was subject to institutional discrimination for being a half-giant and Malfoy used his rich family’s influence against him. Again, as opposed to Harry and Co who most of the time were actively defending themselves or fighting back against their abusers, and the only real power dynamic that you can really say they had working in their favor was Harry and Hermione being scarily good at the kinds of magic that can fuck people up compared to any of their social peers.

But you know what? There is one similarity between them: things only escalated to the level that they did because every single supposedly competent teacher at Hogwarts (i.e. not Snape or every single DADA teacher except Lupin) didn’t do their fucking jobs.

In the trio’s case, by (a) not doing jackshit about Snape’s behavior, and (b) keeping the kids in the dark and not even bothering to come up with a plausible cover story for them and just letting them think a teacher had tried to murder Harry and nobody was doing a single goddamn thing about it. Harry. The kid who already had serious issues with trusting authority figures because of the horrific emotional abuse he was subjected to since infancy which the multiple Order members in Hogwarts Staff had also been completely negligent about. And, y’know, Hermione, who was nearly killed by a troll her first year and saved not by a teacher but by her fellow first-years, then nearly killed by a basilisk her second year after several months of the staff failing to figure out the string of hate crimes against muggle-borns like her, and only surviving because she, the second-year starting from a massive disadvantage in terms of general cultural knowledge of things in the wizarding world, was the only one who did the research and figured out what the monster was, and only survived because she came up with looking around every goddamn corner with a mirror. And Ron, whose sister was possessed, kidnapped, and nearly killed, and the only adult who was supposedly “helping” him and Harry tried to put him into a vegetative state and only failed because of Ron’s shitty broken wand (which had been causing problems all year and the same staff that bought Harry a top-of-the-line broomstick last year spent the entire term doing absolutely nothing about the fact that one of their students was failing due to having to use a wand that was literally taped back together). How the fuck was it surprising to anyone when these teenagers continued to take matters into their own hands in increasingly dangerous ways?

In Malfoy’s case, because his bullshit should’ve been nipped in the bud way, WAY earlier. He should not have had the opportunity to do any of the shit he did in Year 6 because he should have been expelled long before that instead of the teachers letting him bully and abuse other students and basically do the equivalent of having a Hitler poster in his dormitory for five years.

[imuybemovoko]

I die inside while dissecting Jesus music, part 2

Oh, did the pause in my posts lately make you think I was done with emotional self-harm?

Apparently we both have lessons to learn, because here we go again.

I have a shitload of this stuff squirreled away in a youtube playlist I haven’t deleted yet for essentially this exact reason. I felt like it might be a good thing for me to go through and deconstruct some of the songs. That or I’ve just gotten used to suffering. Can’t tell; don’t care.

Trigger warning, of course. If Jesus music is going to mess with your head too much, please for the love of all that you find holy find something more wholesome to read. 

Now that I’ve started down this dark path, I start to wonder, when was the last time I talked about my worldbuilding and other crazy hobbies? I’ve been yelling about my trauma a lot lately. Anyway...

Let’s do this. 

"Rhetoric is the art of ruling the minds of men." -Plato, apparently. 

If, like me, you like suffering enough to look at the song I’ll be analyzing, here it is. I’m looking at Matt Redman’s “Gracefully Broken” today. This song also features Tasha Cobbs Leonard. This felt weird as shit to listen back to. 

I’ll be using the transcription of the lyrics on Genius as my main source for the actual words in the song, though the video I’ve linked does have lyrics on screen as it plays. 

Without any further ado, let’s get into the structure of this fucker. There’s about 25 seconds of instrumental to start this studio recording out, then the first verse plays. The last line, “Set me on fire”, is sung twice, and then in this case the entire first verse plays again. (Holy shit contemporary Christian songwriters like repeating things. Did I say that enough last time?)

After this, the chorus plays through once and you basically smash cut right into the second verse. The second verse is half the length of the first one and the words are only said once. In this case, the repetition does that trick where it uses KJV-flavored language and then modern language to say a similar thing twice: “ You won't forsake me, You will be with me”. 

Then the chorus plays twice, each time followed by a random tag that reiterates something within the chorus and, in the case of the first one, isn’t found in the lyrics on Genius. I read it as a musical flourish coupled with the lyrical equivalent of yelling “AMEN” during a church service when the pastor says something you find cool. (Not all churches do this). 

Genius does something I find a touch unusual here, but I think it makes sense with the way the song plays. It lists two sections as “bridge 1″ and “bridge 2″. After this repeated chorus, bridge 1 plays, repeating the first line twice, the second original line twice, and the last line of the thing four times. After this, there’s another doubled chorus. This time, with even more amen flourishes. 

Then the instrumental goes really chill and the second bridge comes in. This is a stanza that they repeat six times (Genius lists it four times) while they slowly build the instrumentals back up and, since in this case there are two singers in Youtube’s edition of this, Redman drops out and Tasha, who he’s featuring on this, sings the first two repetitions of this while Redman does amen tags. On the third one, they switch roles. On the fourth one, they each sing the entire section but Redman leads and Cobbs follows like a round. Then, they have this entire chorus setup on the last two repetitions. 

This is the climax of the song. And then everything goes really chill again. They sing the chorus once and then everything fades out to one last piano chord, fade to black. That’s the structure in the youtube video. It’s not exactly uncommon for studio recordings of songs like this, though at live events, Jesus camps, and some church services people will repeat sections of this ad nauseam because of course. Even this structure works to cement ideas really strongly, as if every single fucking thing the song says is very important. I find that this doesn’t happen remotely as often in secular music to anything approaching this degree. They’ll repeat the chorus, sometimes you’ll have lines repeated, sometimes you get a bridge that’s four lines a few times over, but it’s not like this. 

Alright. On to the actual content of this thing. 

This is going to hurt a bit. :^) 

I’ll do the verses, then the chorus, then the bridges. This shit isn’t going chronologically. That would suck. 

Take all I have in these hands And multiply, God, all that I am And find my heart on the altar again Set me on fire, set me on fire Take all I have in these hands And multiply, God, all that I am And find my heart on the altar again Set me on fire, set me on fire

This repeats twice; I won’t go over it twice. 

Take all I have in these hands is basically saying “I surrender to you”. Which is a thing that’ll come back up a fuck of a lot in this song. It’s kind of the whole message... with a twist I’ll get to later that gets really cursed. This is a message that speaks of letting go of control of one’s life so God can do whatever with it. It’s like a surrendering of agency, at least the way it plays out in fundagelical circles like the one I left a year and a month ago. 

And multiply, God, all that I am is, aside from being a sentence that’s weirdified so it fits in a song better, is directly addressing God by name, making this entire thing addressed that way. This basically refers to the concept within at least some strains of Christianity where God is said to increase what people are and what they’re capable of when they’re “right with him”. This is, at least possibly, also a reference to Matthew 13:8 (Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown), which uses a metaphor that relates, as I was taught about it, the word of God to someone sowing seeds into a field, where sometimes you yeet the seeds and they land in rocks and screwy circumstances but other times they grow and give a good crop. I’m inclined to read this line as asking God to fulfill this in the singer’s life because of how heavy of a focus is placed on the concept it contains in many churches. Redman might not have intended it to refer to this necessarily here, but it’s the kind of metaphor and the kind of language that people very often use even if it’s not a conscious reference. 

And find my heart on the altar again implies some kind of re-dedication of the core of the singer’s being to God. There’s this strong tendency in your spicier churches towards thinking that believers continually need to re-commit themselves to God after having been distracted; this is at least one of the things that it refers to. I suppose Redman knows his audience. This can also be taken as a reference to Romans 12:1-2, since an altar implies sacrifice most of the time. My instinct is to say it plays both roles. 

After that you have this Set me on fire, set me on fire line, referring to a common concept whose origin I’m not that familiar with in which being “on fire for God” refers to having a passion for doing what whoever you hang around thinks he wants you to do. It might be a reference to that scene in Acts 2 where God’s power in the church is marked by tongues of fire that come and rest on people. Of course it’s like the fire from that burning bush Moses encounters because this is an instance of God burning people metaphorically rather than physically. 

Sarcasm and gallows humor aside, God has been known to yeet fire from heaven at things and sometimes even people. In both Acts 2 and this song, the reference is more or less metaphorical and refers to a driving force rather than to an attack. This line is basically a prayer for a passion for God. 

Verse 1 was sung just by Redman; for verse 2, both Redman and Cobbs are singing. 

My heart stands in awe of Your name Your mighty love stands strong to the end You will fulfill Your purpose for me You won't forsake me, You will be with me

I touched on this in the “on the altar again” line from 1, but I typically read “heart” as “core of being” in these contexts. So this first line, My heart stands in awe of Your name, refers to this deep sense of reverence towards God. 

Maybe someone ought to tell Redman about the hypocrites, because god damn does this seem like performative righteousness to my outsider’s mind. Maybe Paul’s “renewing of the mind” from Romans 12:2 works both ways lmao

Joking aside, the role of this line is to normalize this feeling of reverence and to try to instill it in the listener. It serves a purpose that isn’t hypocrisy and Redman would probably say the same thing if some cheeky heathen walked up to him and told him about the hypocrites as I joked about. 

The entire rest of this verse is essentially saying the same thing in different ways, framing it through God’s love, purposes, and presence in a believer’s life. The idea is that none of these three things are believed to ever fail, and this verse is meant to reinforce that perception and to give thanks to God for it. I don’t feel like saying what these lines are going for three times so I’ll treat them as one unit because functionally, they are. 

I’ll do the chorus last because that seems like a fun idea. Bridge 1 is:

All to Jesus now All to Jesus now Holding nothing back Holding nothing back I surrender I surrender I surrender I surrender

oh god oh fuck

so what can we get from this weird disaster where you say the same thing a bunch of times in a row? Basically, the singer surrenders everything to Jesus and holds nothing back. But it’s really really important, so they say it slowly and each piece is said several times. It feels pedantic as fuck looking at it from the outside, but on the inside it instills this mood that makes you, at least in that moment, want to do exactly that. Pretty wacky. 

Second bridge:

Your power and work in me I'm broken gracefully I'm strong when I am weak I will be free

It’s this, four times on Genius and six times in the Youtube upload. I’m not copy pasting that full length in here lmao

Basically the first line reads to me as an attribution related to the rest. Like, “what follows is because of God’s power and work in me”. Your spicier evangelical circles will attribute good things in themselves exclusively to the work of God. It gets super goddamn toxic depending on exactly how they handle it, but the general vibe I’m talking about is “I’m a piece of shit and therefore if anything good happens in me it’s God not me”. It’s really a sad thing, and it messed me up real good when I used to think that way. 

So that’s fun I suppose. 

As for the rest of this, uh... it’s not better. So. “I’m broken gracefully” is just about the most cursed sentence in this section here. To be “broken” in this case is ...more or less what it sounds like. Basically God breaks the believer down in the process of sanctification so that they release their own identity and replace it with one that’s more from God. This is then framed as a grace. I read “gracefully” here as both referring to the grace of God and to its other usage, like “they moved gracefully across the whatever the fuck” as a descriptive term suggesting beauty and elegance. In both senses, this broken state is considered a good and beautiful thing. Which ...is a bit cursed. 

“I’m strong when I am weak” is this weird reversal that alludes to several passages in the Bible including, the first one I can think of, John 3:30, which says “he must be greater, I must be less” (and specific wording will vary based on translation). The idea is that a person has more real “strength” when they’re weak in themselves and trusting in God for everything. So this sentence might be expanded to “I’m strong in God when I’m weak in myself”. Which is one of those gaslighty self-denying concepts that is the reason my time in these weird fundagelical circles fucked me up so much. Pretty fun. See why I say it’s emotional self-harm to come back and review this music? It’s not always that dark of a thing, I genuinely want to analyze this shit, but good grief can it get tricky to deal with. 

The last line here is “I will be free”, which cements the previous concepts by referring to freedom from “sin” and from the “old, fallen nature”, i.e. freedom to be a slave to God instead of “a slave to oneself”. Another spooky reversal. 

And that’s the bridges. 

I’ll grab a chorus that doesn’t have amen tags and only happens once: 

Here I am, God Arms wide open Pouring out my life Gracefully broken

These first lines speak to someone who accepts God’s calling with open arms. Pretty straightforward I think. It gets a bit funky from here because this “pouring out my life” line is a bit deeper. It could refer to the act of confessing things to God in kind of a spilling of energy and secrets, a breakdown of barriers that believers keep their issues contained within, that kind of thing, and it could be a reference to the Old Testament practice of pouring out blood or wine or both as an offering before God, in a metaphorical sense in this case because believers are called on to offer their lives as a “living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God” as Paul writes. The image of pouring something out is quite a common one within Christianity because of the Old Testament imagery and the degree to which New Testament writers allude to old practices. 

In compiling an overarching message for what I read out of this song, I’ll compare it to a sonnet written by John Donne, for a bit of fun hyperbole. 

Batter my heart, three-personed God, for you As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend; That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new. I, like an usurped town, to another due, Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end. Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend, But is captived, and proves weak or untrue. Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain, But am betrothed unto your enemy: Divorce me, untie or break that knot again, Take me to you, imprison me, for I, Except you enthrall me, never shall be free, Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

The whole message of this sonnet here is, in a phrase, “I’m having a hard time submitting to you, God, so break down my gates, steal me from Satan, and rearrange my guts”. 

Yes, ravish is sometimes a sexual term. In my medieval literature class last fall, the professor understood its sense as such in this context. I agree with that reading because the word immediately preceding the phrase that contains it is “chaste”, which is clearly establishing that kind of context. 

Basically, the reason I include this is, without the “fuck me God” part of it, the message of the song I’ve been dissecting is the same as this. It speaks of surrendering to God as something that’s desired, but frames it as a battle through the “heart on the altar again” bit and the “brokenness” part of this narrative that suggests it’s a desired, beautiful act of God. Donne accomplishes this message through much more violent terms, but the end result is very similar. 

I know.

So, why did I start this shit with that Plato quote? 

Ultimately, because I think that an important part of the role that Christian music like this serves in the church is pretty much the same as Plato’s understanding of the role of rhetoric. If “rhetoric is the art of ruling the minds of men”, then contemporary Christian music is the result of using shit, repetitive lyrics and actually good instrumental tracks to convince the human mind to yeet itself deeper and deeper into Jesusland. 

Which is pretty cursed. I relate, vacuuming lady. I relate.

What was that I said about conlangs again?

[femsff]

From the Identity Ask post: 1, 11 and 12?

I’m keeping the ones I’ve already answered to others in here as well, just so everyone can get to know me even better!

identity ask………oh shit

if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?My body language, me, and whatever I’m talking about. That may seem like a cop-out answer to some, but I really do believe the only way to get to know someone is to observe, talk to, interact with and listen to them. Not necessarily in that order. I come into contact with a lot of different people through my work but also see/read a lot online and it often amazes me how little attention people pay to others! Be that cues (non-verbal or verbal), body language or just downright listening to and hearing what they have to say. No wonder people often don’t understand other people’s actions, points of view or feelings. Can anyone really be surprised or confused by someone if they ignore everything they say/do/emote?So, I like to think you can really get to know me by interacting with me. it seems to have worked for me in life so far.

have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?

do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

are you religious/spiritual?

do you care about your ethnicity?

what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?

are you an artist?

do you have a creed?

describe your ideal day.Sleep in a little, have breakfast, go out to the grocery store/farmers’ market to get groceries and enjoy some brisk air (I prefer colder weather), relax, maybe go swimming, catch up on social media, news and emails*, have lunch, watch a new episode of a good TV show or two*, read a book/fanfic*, write some fanfic*, make dinner, maybe watch another TV show or continue writing* while chatting with some of my online friends*, whatsapp family/friends (not a phone call person), read the news, gossip and (post to) social media*, shower, go to bed*.*With my kitties by my side,

dog person or cat person?Cat, cat, cat! I’ve grown up with* both, first we had a dog and when she passed away when I was a toddler, we got another one two years later. We got our first cat about two years after that. She had a litter, from which we kept one kitten. Unfortunately both cats died when I was in my early teens. My sister managed to get us another cat by asking one for her birthday (and I was totally in cahoots with her and together we picked a kitten from an ad in a newspaper, behind my mother’s back) and then naturally, I needed my very own cat a year almost two years later. Let me tell you, my mother was not impressed with the tiny orange fluff ball (riddled with flees) my stepfather helped me pick up without her knowing about it. Unfortunately, sister’s cat was killed in a traffic accident a few years later. When I moved to uni, my mother insisted I took my orange cat with me as the cat only liked me (according to her) and, well, it was just mean to leave the cat all alone in my new house... so my housemate agreed to get a kitten! Sadly, both cats passed away about a year and a half, the orange one due to ‘old age’ (she’d had a brain infection a few years ago and recovered remarkably well, but her health wasn’t optimal) and the other one was so affected by it that she refused to eat or drink and died a few days later. It was awful! The house was very quiet and I was terribly upset, so my mother suggested I get another kitty. At first I thought that was a bad idea, but then I reluctantly started looking online and fell in love. The little attention seeker was so affectionate, playful and active that I felt awful leaving her on her own while I went off to work, so a few weeks later I got another kitty. They’re Best Felines Forever (BFFs) and the cutest, sweetest, most affectionate and lovable cats I’ve ever had.Don’t get me wrong, i still like dogs. But... I’ve also discovered I’m actually allergic to dogs ever since moving away from home and not having one around me/in the house. My sister and mother both have a dog and they’re nice, but always need entertaining and they have that typical dog smell I’m not too fond of. I not-so secretly like my sister’s dog better because it’s trained better and actually listens and doesn’t constantly jump into my lap like the hyperactive dog of my mother. Coincidentally, I was also allergic for cats but by having them around 24/7 I’ve built up a tolerance and rarely have reactions. Also, my current two kitties are half ragdolls, a breed which is known to be more tolerable for people with cat allergies.* Over the years we’ve also had birds, fish, hamsters, guinea pigs, mice (it was supposed to be one but of course I bought a pregnant one and got 10!), a rabbit and a turtle. I think my mother tried to make up for the fact that she never got to have pets as a child and instead took her stuffed toy dog out for walks on a leash in the neighborhood.**The dog I grew up with died almost a decade ago.

inside or outdoors?

are you a musician?

five most influential books over your lifetime.

if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?

what’s your patronus?

which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?

would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?I have a secret… I’could be considered a terrible sci-fi/fantasy fan as I’ve never read the LotR books (my brother loves them), the Chronicles of Narnia or Harry Potter. I do vaguely remember watching some LotR and HP movies at certain points in my life (in the gym, recuperating from surgery, passively watching something someone else is watching), but they never really spoke to me nor make me want to read the books. So, if I have to choose a universe, I’ll definitely be in the Stargate universe even though it’s simply on “boring” Earth. Well, most of the time, anyway.

do you love easily?

list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.

how often would you want to see your family every year?

have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?

could you live as a hermit?

how would you describe your gender/sexuality?

do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?

on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?

three songs that you connect with right now.

pick one of your favorite quotes.Honestly, I’ve got nothing… Some of the things I’ve learned over the years through (online) media is that quotes and quoting important people is a thing in the US. It’s not in my country. I’ve never been asked to memorize/apply quotes from famous inventors, authors or other historical figures in school. Granted, I did drop history in the equivalent of 9th grade, but it was never a thing in Literature (of any of the languages) either. The only things I can really quote (which I’ve learned in school) would be the laws of physics, mathematical equations and such. And, outside of/after school I never developed an obsession with quotes either. Sure, some of my favorite characters on TV have great lines, but nothing really noteworthy for a question like this one.

[fille-lioncelle]

First Lines Meme

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories. See if there are any patterns. Then tag 10 of your favourite authors!

@towonderland72​ tagged me cause she likes to make me do a lot of copy+paste work...

I’ll do 15 posted and 5 unposted WIPs, shall I? For variety.

complete & posted:

1. Dundyne, sval: “Isak?” Even says over breakfast, trying to get Isak's attention away from where he's texting back and forth with Sana, probably trying to work out a time to study for their physics exam.

2. hot air balloon that could go to space: “Have you guys heard anything at all from Noora?” Sana asks, sitting with Vilde and Chris before school. 

3. Who, With Pancakes, Is Poor?: When Isak wakes, it's to warmth.

4. Where There’s Tea, There’s Hope: Isak is relatively certain that his brain has started leaking out of his ears. 

5. Veilchen: Isak avoids his own reflection, and if it were at all doable, he'd avoid Even's eyes on him as well. 

6. o trespass sweetly urged: Isak is nine years old, and life is pretty chill. 

7. hell yeah, you the shit (that’s why you’re my equivalent): “I don't wanna go,” Even whines, earning himself a laugh from Isak, which – rude. 

8. living life gets hard to do: Living with Even is the worst. 

9. please don’t take my sunshine away: Isak is the best person in the world. 

10. it might sound crazy, but it ain’t no lie: “So, um,” Magnus starts, a little hesitant. 

11. now my soul beats a sound loud enough to quiet the thunder: It starts early February, when Even tells him his parents want to have a late lunch/early dinner together for Even's birthday and invited Isak to come, but that Even would like to spend the night from Saturday to Sunday here at the apartment with Isak, and would that be alright with Isak? 

12. don’t you keep it all to yourself: “You do know the coffee in the cafeteria's cheaper, right?” Jonas asked when Isak met him in front of the school building, eyeing the paper cup in Isak's hands 

13. Vanilla: Noora’s lived by herself for most of her life. 

14. Morning Ritual: Some mornings Connie wakes up melancholy and introspective.

15. Feeling Fizzy: Honestly, sometimes Isabell wonders how no one's found her out yet.

unposted WIPs:

16. It starts, Isak thinks, when he walks back from Sana's kitchen to the living room with a glass of water in each chilly hand and a touch of red warming his cheeks.

17. There was a time in Isak's life, when the thought of having a routine sex life was absolutely laughable.

18. Once upon a time, there was a little boy who loved fairy tales.

19. “Come on, Isak,” Eskild wheedles. “You've never come out with me, come on. I promise you it'll be fun!”

20. A week ago Mamma bought Even a set of bubble tubes.

what do we learn from this?

I tend to start in medias res.

The character the story is about is established in the first line.

there’s 6 opening lines that are dialogue

There are 16 fics that feature Isak as half of the pairing. Out of those, 14 are either Isak’s POV or feature/focus on Isak in the opening line. I might as well tattoo I ADORE ISAK VALTERSEN across my forehead, but tbh I’m probs not gonna change??? I DO adore Isak Valtersen??? You’ll have to literally bury me clutching him to my cold, dead bosom.

I can’t believe two of these start with “it starts”. (I can actually believe that. I am exactly the kind of nerd who starts with “it starts - get it? cause it’s LITERALLY starting?”.) (Sigh.)

I actually am surprised only one of these is an unecessarily long sentence with questionable use of punctuation.

... I don’t fucking know, you tell me.

I’m gonna tag @theprincessed​ and @aimmyarrowshigh​. I know we don’t share fandoms, currently, but I’m curious, so if you feel up to it... go for it. :)

[ghostlenin]

West Arlew Session 3  Recap

Session 2 (or, the second part of session 2) ended at the docks with the commotion of the arrival of the Boyar of Gogolgrad’s delegation. In the crowd you noticed a mystery man on top of a warehouse shipping crane, a brewmeister with a familiar apron and a magical aura that prevented people from standing too close to him, the Copper Street Urchins casing the crowd, and Lady Beatrice d’Saudade making a rare public appearance.

Aldora had paid the Urchins for some info. They told you that in the fight with the flying abomination - people are calling it the Red Terror - it seems to have been wounded. For a bit more gold, they told you princess Olesya’s injuries were not just physical, but she also seems to have been poisoned by the Red Terror. For a bit more gold, though not as much as they were asking because Cody snuck up on the orphan child, you learned that the welcome fete is still happening, but in 5 days’ time and - this is the juicy part - at the Cosmos, the up-and-coming luxury hotel and competitor of the Majesty, Daggerpoint’s premier hang for the social elites.

Looking up to identify the mystery man on the crane, he disappeared with a poof after he twirled his cloak around.

The brewmeister of the Pointy Hat invited you back to his bar to talk in a more private location. It’s in Oldtown, number 12 on the map above. The bouncer/doorman made you deposit your weapons in the mouth of a carving of a face on the wall, and you got your hand stamped when you put your stuff in. The bar itself is underground in the cellar space seemingly spanning the entire block. Its low ceilings were arched, and all of it were made of brick and stone. Imagine something like the picture below:

Towards the back of the large room was the bar, and the man from the docks was already behind the bar washing some glasses. He introduced himself as Taryn Kettleman, the brewmeister of the Pointy Hat. He looked like Phoebus from the Hunchback of Notre Dame (above). He praised the party for showing great potential and being brighter than most of the others that join up with the Guardians. It seemed like it took him a bit to remember that he’d sent a messenger out to you while you were on your way back from Swindmore. After some questions and some very large beer orders from Cody - entire liters of tasty brown ale - he offered you a deal. “You take care of something for me, to prove you can handle yourselves, a test of sorts, and I’ll answer as many of your questions as I can. In fact, I’ll open up a whole new world of weird and mystery to you.” All you have to do is deliver a small package to an elderly elf woman named Yrnamar at the Tower Stables in Cliffton, and then bring back the package she’ll give you. You agreed. Balthazar’s detect magic spell pinged at least 5 different schools of magic coming off the small box.

Scoping out the bar, Katriel noticed that there was a wood statue in the corner that looked just like the messenger that came running for you on the road. There were 4 other statues in the corners that looked like other people, but carved out of wood all the same. Kettleman mentioned that, since you’re Guardians and all, there happens to be a bounty for a caravan guard to Cliffton - why not make a little money on the way?

Outside the bar, after retrieving your weapons, Katriel summoned her familiar, an undead skeleton bird that materialized out of a wall. Aldora went looking for more information on the Pointy Hat and Kettleman. What he found out was that the bar’s been around longer than anyone can remember - might as well be forever - but nobody he talked to had actually been in there. Another guy said that they sell Pointy Hat ale at the market, and it’s the best he’d ever had. Orin went looking through the magic item room at the Horse and Pony and finally settled on his reward - gloves of ogre strength. Balthazar went to the magical library in town, the Arcaneum Originem, to see what interesting things he might find on the road to Cliffton and read about a tavern called the Bearded Grell, the fantasy equivalent of a biker bar, famous for its wild mushroom soup. Cody went to sleep.

The next morning, the party visited Ulin Gerswain, the person looking for a caravan guard. The address listed was a three-story building outside Cliffgate (6 on the map at the top) with a large staircase. In the offices at the top, you met a 2 1/2 ft tall hunchback gnome arcane inventor. Like the picture above, but more hunched over. His latest scheme is to make a safe, reliable, and quick transportation option for the 31-mile trek between Daggerpoint and Cliffton called the Magi-lev. It involves erecting 30 ft high poles every half mile. On top of the poles is a device of his own cunning that essentially acts as a spell amplifier, director, and repeater. Once the line is set up, you go to the station (which he owns), and board what is essentially a large cart. The cart's driver is a trained magic user who casts the spells to keep the cart floating and moving. Ulin's done extensive testing and is sure - in theory - that it will work. While he won't share the details of what he calls 'substitutiary locomotion' he was too excited not to mention the great discovery that led to his breakthrough: by using an ancient, long-forgotten magical language he can alter common spells to act in different ways. His understanding of this language isn't that good though - he's only got partial translations of two dusty scrolls - so he has to rely on the power of the leylines.

The job was to protect him and his supplies on the way to Cliffton and to help him and his assistant, a warforged fighter named Tigermoth, install the 65 poles. He said while much of the journey will be made along the actual road, because the Magi-lev has to follow the leylines, some of it will be in the forest. It normally takes about 2 days to walk from Daggerpoint to Cliffton, but Ulin estimated it will take 4-5 days if we can average 15ish poles per day (takes about an hour to walk to the next position, dig the hole for the pole, and then have Ulin enchant and activate it). Ulin also offered you the chance to be part of the maiden voyage of the Magi-lev once you get to Cliffton.

Most of the pole-installing went easily. Many people passing by seemed to know Ulin and wanted to know what was going on - he was happy to give them his sales pitch. The first complication was a pole that needed to go exactly where a roadside shrine to Tymora, goddess of fortune, has been erected. This was touchy business. You got the statue moved very easily, with Cody earning a bit of favor from the goddess, but Katriel could only remember the exact position of 48% of the offerings, and she burned the rest, and immediately felt a sense of foreboding. Aldora offered the prayer to rededicate the shrine and did a fine enough job.

The next issue was that a pole needed to go directly in the middle of the Bearded Grell. Balthazar relayed what he’d read about the place, and Ulin apologized - he knew this was going to be an issue. In fact, he’d been thrown out of this place when he’d asked the owner, Shon. But, he also had a special short pole he could put on top of the Bearded Grell if Shon agreed. The party went in and negotiated with Shon, who looks like Nathan Explosion from Metalocalypse, to the tune of a 800gp/month contract with Ulin in exchange for putting the Magi-lev pole on his roof. The mushroom soup was delicious. That night, Katriel had terrible dreams, but couldn’t remember any of them when she woke up.

The next day, there were a few more complications. First, Malanoor, a Tree Maiden of the Sisters of the Forest, accosted you for desecrating the forest. Orin felt bad and tried to sympathize, but just came off both aggressive and suggestive. She left without incident, but promised she’d let the Sisters know what was going on.

Later, while laying a pole, you smelled fire off deeper into the woods. Katriel’s familiar revealed a cult of pyromaniacs arsoning a village. You went in to stop the fires. Aldora cast fog cloud, Orin shapeshifted into a giant elk, Katriel set the elk’s antlers on fire, and Cody and Balthazar hopped into the fray and went for the cult leader, a quaggoth.

You made short work of the cultists, outright killing most of them, including a decapitation from Cody and a Piccolo-style beam cannon eldritch blast shot right through the chest of another. One guy yielded and two others were put to sleep. Aldora took the one that surrendered to Ulin while the rest helped put out the fires in the village.

The cultist explained that they weren’t from here but were summoned. They just love lighting shit on fire though, and they just happened to arrive at this village, so they did what they do best. He had no idea why they appeared where they did. Aldora suggested to Ulin and Tigermoth that summoning members of a cult that doesn’t even exist on this plane of reality was likely a result of his incomplete knowledge of powerful ancient magic he was using to build the Magi-lev. Tigermoth countered that 1) you can’t prove it was his master’s fault, and 2) dealing with unintended consequences is a major part of life. Besides, Ulin has - or will have - enough gold to hire you or anyone else to take care of those issues, should they arise. Aldora still felt uncomfortable, but you all agreed to keep the bounty contract. Orin however decided to stay behind in the village to help them clean up and start rebuilding, promising to meet back up in Cliffton.

The next day, Ulin needed a pole placed in the middle of a fairy ring. Cody, being a bear, knew this was probably a bad idea. Nevertheless, he and Aldora crossed into the fairy ring. They blinked out of reality for a couple seconds, but then reappeared as if nothing happened. Katriel leaned down to investigate the mushrooms that made up the ring and inexpertly plucked one, which made her blink out of reality for a second as well. Nobody else wanted to cross into the ring, but the pole went up anyway.

While blinked out, Cody, Aldora, and Katriel found themselves in the court of a lord of the fey, a powerful magical creature. He offered them a choice: either amuse him by sacrificing a part of themselves, or let him perform a little magic trick on them. Aldora sacrificed a level 2 spell slot, but Cody and Katriel decided on letting him perform a trick (read: curse). Cody can no longer enter any building without being explicitly invited, and Katriel will forever smell strongly of fish.

The next day, you got closer and closer to the road. The last pole in the forest however presented a problem. When you tried to insert the pole into the hole you and Tigermoth dug, you heard a low and grumbly “ow!” The ground rose up and unfolded - it was a galeb duhr!

He was angry you hit him on the head with a giant pole, but you explained the situation. The Magi-lev would help people! “Well I like helping people,” he grumbled. All he had to do was move. “But I’ve been in my spot for 419 years, I don’t know where I should go,” he grumbled. You told him of the village from yesterday that could probably use some help. “Well I like helping people,” he grumbled. Cody gave him a tiny red pebble. “Thank you, I haven’t eaten in 419 years,” he grumbled, then curled up into a boulder and rolled off toward the forest village.

The only other complication was near the gates of Cliffton. A group of young nobles started harassing you. “What are you doing to my road? You’re ruining it!” Turns out his father, Sir Snively Whipface, had adopted this stretch of the road. This young man, Snidely Whipface, was very indignant, but realized that in a head to head fight, he and his posse would lose badly. Instead, he resorted to insults and threats.

Finally you got to a building outside Cliffton that looked just like Ulin’s offices near Daggerpoint - it’s the end station. He thanks you for your assistance, pays you your 200gp, with a bonus 200 in helping deal with all those complications, and then urges you to return in a few hours to be a part of the maiden voyage on the Magi-lev!

[oceangl1tter]

Postpone the future

future things i'm itching to write about:// - INFP and unrequited love: name a more iconic duo - past lovers as colors of my nailpolish - sappy fiction in which i write a happy ending - how many  flowers can you stuff in your mouth before you throw up and die of indigestion - new year resolutions: TBD ————————————— First glass://

" HOUSE RULES to keep in mind 1. Do not go into any other rooms except for the restroom and my room 2. Bring enough food to be finished up or you take home whatever is left. 3. Do not open my closet/drawers lol its just my clothes tf? o.O 4. Clean up after yourself.... plS/ run to the damn restroom if u feel like yAK 5. PARTY ENDS 12AM sori pplz mama/papa gots to sleep " As a result of breaking the Golden Rule, the first of rules that had been posted in advance in our private Facebook event, we have been declaratively kicked out. R sneaks in a vomit-session before embarking on our expedition to the nearest boba place that would tolerate the ruckus from 4 hobbling pairs,2 observers, other stragglers lost on the way. It's supposedly a 40 minute walk to TenRen but time doesn't exist when you're trying to stop waddling kids from veering into oncoming traffic.The ranking of most drunk to least goes like this:

S E KC Q R MR DY A M JR, V R, JS, KG

Unfortunately, those burdened with not being shit-faced have been assigned the lovely task of cleaning up spilled drinks (a fizzy coca-cola liter erupts two times, same girl, same stumble, twice the sticky), being a branch for others to hang onto, and emotionally supporting the less-fortunate drunks. 

Breaking down the Hot Mess:

S and E pour up as if the red cups in their hands are the equivalent of shot-glasses—this measurement is obviously incredibly off and perhaps the reason why one of  them surpasses their breaking point (the other will throw up the remaining Malibu/ Smirnoff in a public trashcan in Atlantic Times Square) But for now, they're hyper, happy, laughing drunks, prancing along the host's bedroom and clinging along people in their path and tearing themselves off like pinballs.

S: Everything seems to be funny. Affectionate & eerily giggly. The next moment she's crying into the host's bed, facedown, emitting ugly sobs through convulses of her body. J is at her side telling her she can't cry into the host's bed and that she'll find someone else who will make her happy, but she has to get up first. She replies with," FUCK HIM!! I NEED HIM! HE MADE ME HAPPY!" This must've been inevitable. Don't drink in the same room with your ex. Another moment, she's pounding on the bathroom door because she has to pee. We broke the first rule. The host's mom comes out of her room later to see what the commotion is all about. She enters the room. Girl on bed, facedown, crying. Guy talking her down. R, taking a lazy nap on the side. Me, standing up with tissues stained coke-brown, red-faced, with my dumb nosering on looking into the eyes of someone that has known me since I was 10. She's on the phone and looks around the room. Concern or anger? I can't tell. I say in Cantonese that everything is fine. She is fine. I don't know how to say "she's not drunk! ! she's heartbroken" but the smell of the room betrays any statement. Kick-out ensues. 

E: This happened last time and she always proclaims the day after: "I wasn't that drunk!" The girl has lost all principles of momentum and flops on people's shoulders, anchoring her arm around necks. She drinks the same amount as S + the leftover bottle of Malibu. Her layer of introversion is gone as she lunges around the room with cup in hand. On our way to boba in the dark, she strides in zig zags with confident, imprecise steps. R runs after her. 

KC: Her original state is a high-pitched buzz of energy and it seems like alcohol multiplies that tenfold. She whacks S's left eye with her hand on accident. E whacks S's right eye with her foot on accident. She calls E fat and then apologizes. Later, she cries because she is sad. She loves everyone. She loves you. She loves her friends. She loves everyone, especially you. S, E, and KC are trio drunks. KC and I started out next to eachother drinking Calpico. I can't pinpoint when the trajectory split.

Q: She is a flirty, artificial drunk and at this point I'm over it. I saw the same thing unfold in Berkeley except with her boyfriend added into the equation. Not fun. Everyone else ignores her. She lays on the bed texting him.

R: R is a sleepy-drunk and he's knocked out first. I'm not sure how he was able to sleep through the loud singing of the national anthem and random indian music someone put on. I tell wide-eyed observers that this is signs of an alcoholic in the making. He pets S's hair as she cries into neatly folded blankets. On our way to boba I've been tasked with handling his inhibition. I am his crutch for the first half. The second half he is pushing me in an abandoned shopping cart and topples it over a bump in the sidewalk. My backpack, thankfully, protects my head from cracking open like an egg. Later on he grips my balled up hand and tries to unfold my fingers forcefully as if he could peel them out of the curled fist position. His hands feel like demands instead of sheepish drunk maneuvers. They don't feel sweaty but they're not warm either. We can't do this. I am shaking my head and curling my mid-sentences up as if I were scolding some dog. I don't let anyone hold my hand! Not even my mom! I say matter-of-factly. After wrestling it for a few moments he gives up.

New Years pt.1 / 11-12:// —————— J KM A S Q D KC R MR KG

New Years I had decided that I was sick of cleaning up after sick people and decided that it was up to me to be the agent of my own shitface-ness.  I arrive an hour before countdown. Early enough to not be missing out on the fun but late enough to have enough of it. I hadn't gone to this point before of not being able to coordinate the joints in my legs and how they are supposed to move together. I feel like a mannequin moving the different wooden blocks of my body. My cruise through the living room is stop-motion movement at 6 frames per second. I ask KG if that means I have meningitis and if that means I will die because I heard from my sister some girl when she was in highschool shared drinks, caught some virus and forgot how to walk afterwards. I took the shots and I also took shots, so do these shots cancel out?? My heart is beating so fast? Will I die? These are fleeting worries as I engage in a heavily regulated sequence of sitting on the floor, mulling on my phone, and sashaying across MR's house to the beat of the music with a cup of water and Soju in my hands for optimal simultaneous intake. I love MR's floor. I could have a ball in here. Loopy thoughts in my head spill out of my drink. I love that drunk words and actions never mean anything. I'm seated next to D in the kitchen under dim lights when I blurt out that I hate f***ots. I'm laughing and laughing and Laughing and Sipping on my Cup. D laughs along in shock and tells me to stop. I lazily say I must be projecting.

Some in-betweeners: (11) I stop KP and KC from having their New Years Kiss because we are NOT changing teams right now while drunk and/or heartbroken and I slice their SIN with my hands. Checkmate, athiests. 

(11 1/2) 

(12) J envelopes me in a big bear hug he has a knack for doing and I don't understand why he is hugging me when he does not even know me. I'm being consoled as I empty my lungs in gasping heaves. I've been made physically immobile at this point and I don't feel like squeaming out from this embrace like I would usually do. It's more of a crumple. D hovers over us. Sons! Sneezed out of her nose! We do a family hug. It's a comforting one. I shake hands with J in a marriage pact that if in 40 years we still haven't found The One we would just call it a day and get married. D wants to join in, but I tell him I'm not down for threesomes. Letalone incestuous ones. I don't think it will happen but in case it does, it wouldn't hurt to fall back on history. 

He tells me a few more things:

The money he spent, the Blitzcrank plush that he ordered that never came in the mail and was too shy to ask for a replacement.

The middle school cringey rejection song sent to him played on repeat as he ran laps to get swol to win the hearts of others and move on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9A52UWmmrE ; The cliche line about learning to love yourself before you love someone else and his backburner recognition that the song I sent that apparently "changed his life" like a cop-out of some manic pixie dream girl concept, might not have been for him. Bingo.

The $5 bill he snuck under one of my frontyard rocks because he thought I was broke. He asks if I ever got it. No I did not, but thanks.

My tumblr he tried to find and couldn't; the one Samantha told him I had but wouldn't give him unless they went out together.

(1) Later that night I'm limping J back to his house as he spits out foams of champagne out of his mouth. M kicks him out of his house because he's done with his shit that he dumps on others—shit that he brought about himself. (2)   (3) (4) —————————————————————————————————-

[diplomaticspoonie]

weird asks that say a lot

in

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

What am I drinking?  Probably soda can, though.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

CHOCOLATE>

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Gum

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

I don’t honestly remember? I was in the gifted program, though.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Can are the most recyclable. 

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Grungy prep? Like, I wear polos a lot, but they’re all old and fucked up.

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphones! 

8. movies or tv shows?

tv

9. favorite smell in the summer?

rain

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

dodgeball? I mean, regardless, I was fat and slow

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

sometimes a breakfast sandwich, sometimes a littl ething of nuts

12. name of your favorite playlist?

“spoonie encouragement”

13. lanyard or key ring?

ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

skittles?

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

Johnny Tremaine

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Half lotus

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

Sneakers

18. ideal weather?

Overcast, dark, windy, feels like it will rain but isn’t yet

19. sleeping position?

side

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop

21. obsession from childhood?

DINOSAURS!

22. role model?

Captain America

23. strange habits?

I pick at my eyelashes and eyebrows to try to keep loose hairs from falling in my eyes

24. favorite crystal?

The Dark Crystal

25. first song you remember hearing?

Bad, by MJ

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

swim

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

drink hot cocoa

28. five songs to describe you?

Shit, uh... 1)  Color in Your Cheeks, Mountain Goats 2) I’m Still Standing, Elton John 3) What’s Up Danger, Blackway and Black Caviar 4) Barrett’s Privateers, Stan Rogers 5) All Hallow’s Eve, Type O Negative

29. best way to bond with you?

Complain with me? Overthink something?

30. places that you find sacred?

Bodies of water in general, but specifically the Ohio River.  the “Point of No Return” in Benin, due to the immensity of horrors that took place there.  

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

I don’t have an attitude for that

32. top five favorite vines?

God, I’m old.

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“Above ground.” It’s how I tell my wife to come get me from the metro.

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

At the moment, none.  But there’s tons in there somewhere, including some old horrible racist ones.

35. average time you fall asleep?

2 minutes?

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

“All Your Base” (I said I’m old!)

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

suitcase

38. lemonade or tea?

depends on what i’m doing

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

pie. always.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

muhammed ali coming to visit? (I went to his alma mater.) 

41. last person you texted?

my wife

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

yes?

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

sandalwood

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

fantasy in theory, superhero in movies

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

just my undies

47. favorite type of cheese?

probably just because I can’t get it now, wagash. 

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

pineapple

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

i feel a bit weird, since i think it’s a bit appropriative, but this from the great Jewish scholar Pirkei Avot:  “ It is not incumbent upon you to finish the task, but neither are you free to absolve yourself from it. “

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

i’m old, so it’s hard to say, but i always love Muppets.

51. current stresses?

work, upcoming move, the rising tide of authoritarianism around the globe

52. favorite font?

times new roman

53. what is the current state of your hands?

what the hell does this even mean?  they’re fine

54. what did you learn from your first job?

that being a lawyer seemed to suck

55. favorite fairy tale?

three little pigs?

56. favorite tradition?

i’m not a tradition guy.  i love caroling, in theory at least.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

1) the idea that my father was in hell for his adultery 2) getting into the foreign service 3) divorce

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

1) perseverance 2) mental math 3) good with people 4) bartending

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? “fuck it” (it was my mom’s catchphrase)

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? i don’t know enough anime. a middle aged male equivalent of magical girl?

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? “you my dear ricky are not just a sentimentalist; it seems you’ve become a patriot!”

62. seven characters you relate to?

1) Captain America (I can do this all day) 2) Captain Marvel 3) Group Captain Mandrake 4) Willow Rosenberg 5) Luke (from Cool Hand Luke) 6) Viktor Laszlo 7) Bow

63. five songs that would play in your club?

1) Voodoo, Godsmack 2) Django Jane, Janelle Monae 3) Turalu, the Bollox 4) Block Rockin Beats, Chemical Bros 5) Children of the Underworld, Tiamat

64. favorite website from your childhood?

brunching.com (ok, i was in high school when it came out -- we didn’t have the internet when i was a kid!)

65. any permanent scars?

emotional or physical? one on my hand

66. favorite flower(s)?

roses

67. good luck charms?

not anymore

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

durian. 

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

no freaking clue. sorry.

70. left or right handed?

left

71. least favorite pattern?

loud checks

72. worst subject?

art

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

no idea...i like all kinds of weird combos. globally peanut butter and jelly is weird.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

7. (I’m always at a 3 or 4.)

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

7 years old. it was loose for FOREVER.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

depends on meal and mood, but usually hash browns

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

any you use in food

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

gas station coffee.  it’ll do the job w/o killing me

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

well, my school id photo would be about 15 years old at this point, so probably that one. (now, my work id photo is better.)

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

jewel tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

lightning bugs

82. pc or console?

what am i playing? both have good points

83. writing or drawing?

writing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts. talk radio blows.

84. barbie or polly pocket?

whichever my cousin has (which, considering my age, meant barbie)

85. fairy tales or mythology?

is there a functional difference? i don’t think so.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cookies

87. your greatest fear?

dying.

88. your greatest wish?

immortality. if limited to realistic things, becoming an ambassador. 

89. who would you put before everyone else?

the needs of the world

90. luckiest mistake?

dating someone 5 years younger than me.

91. boxes or bags?

for what? what am i using them for? they’re different things with different uses!

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

depends on what i’m doing. for a party, fairy lights. for reading, sunlight. 

93. nicknames?

Frosty

94. favorite season?

winter. 

95. favorite app on your phone?

most useful might be FB messenger or Signal, but I’m partial to Marvel Puzzle Quest.

96. desktop background?

some beach scene

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

about 5?

98. favorite historical era?

if it’s a setting for something, WWII.  if it’s to live in, and i can’t live in the present, 1990s. 

[rvder-cle-blog]

I’ve allowed a lot of bullshit that’s going on in my professional life to trickle into other areas of my life, unknowingly, and I’m done bringing the stress home.

I’m good at what I do, and I like the industry in which I am part of. For the most part I enjoy the company of those that I work with. I’ve never been one to let anyone really bring me down, but such has not been the case over the past few months, and I’m done allowing it, because I’ve learned something important. What you allow will continue, and not only will it continue, but it will grow.

I’m not ok with that! Haha like. At ALL.

I’m Billy fucking Rader and this Depression does not suit me as well as I’ve tried to deceive myself into thinking. So I’m going to just take a hint from one of my favorite bands and see if possibly the remedy is a dose of apathy. (Thanks Relient K👌🏻)

Since when did I ever really give a fuck about what someone thinks about me in the workplace? I’ve not been my goofy, outspoken and intuitive self lately, and I’ve found the source.

I won’t divulge on that, but what I can and will say is that regardless of the outcome from what is about to happen this week, I’m going to redirect myself back on the course of walking out of my side door everyday with a shit eatin’ grin on my face and all of the hope of the world in my heart. Life’s too short not to.

I don’t give a fuck about the pettiness of my coworkers or superiors anymore. That’s not what O signed up for, so I’m going to keep showing up everyday, but I’m going to make sure that it is well known that my cut-off & fall-back game is strong as fuck. The half of me is all about apathy, and the other half? Just doesn’t care. (Ok I’m done quoting RK now lol)

I had a very enlightening conversation with my grandmother today on my way in to the anxiety farm.

She told me that no matter what’s going on, regardless if my boss is being nice or a dick, and regardless of what’s really going on in my head and heart; to wear my smile every day.

Apparently, according to her I have a “smile that says love”. I wasn’t too sure exactly what that meant at the time, though it was uplifting to hear. But I think I get it now.

I had a shit night lol. I was supposed to leave at 11:30, and was then informed that if I were to leave early that there would be appropriate reprimand to follow, even though my leaving early on the night prior to my monthly doctor’s visit would be excused and given to me, as a gesture of the company in support of what is going on. But that was denied of me. So I made up my mind. I was going to finish the project I had started on before lunch and bounce at 12:30 regardless of whatever was thought to be going to happen in response to my leaving early. I was slowly beginning to see that I had bitten off more than I could chew, and by the polite and humble request by the VP of the company, I had agreed to stay until the set up was complete.

Yeah. That didn’t happen. Having to wonder aimlessly around the entire compound in search of various oddities began to add up and before I knew it, it was fuckin’ midnight and the mountain started to seem steeper and steeper by the moment. Tired as fuck, exhausted both physically & mentally, I started to feel the weight of the day buckling my bones worse than I have in a very long time. I was getting closer and closer though and I could almost see the end and the door by at least 1:30am. Until it all came together to tear me down. Literally. I had a few more adjustments to make to be just about ready for production, when It happened. lol

I’m walking down the one step steel platform to go to the backside of the press when i slipped and fell and busted my ass pretty hard on not only the platform and the step, but the ground as well, and ended up with what i would compare to be the steel surface equivalent to rug burn. Like road rash.

That’s when I just started laughing. I took care of the injury and got back out to the floor and just laughed. Full of overtired angst bursting at the seams in the form of laughter. But then the ever-present, painful weight that had rested on my chest for the past month or so; had completely disappeared. As if it had never made me its home in the first place.

And that’s when I understood what my grandmother was talking about, because when I was laughing i was surrounded by some decent folks who had all seemed really down lately, and they all laughed with (or at idk. Idfc lmfao) me and I saw happiness on their faces for the first time in weeks, and it struck me hard. Like I felt it permeate my skin and into my spine, physically. I’ve wasted a lot of time in my life being depressed, down, or just fucking sad about so many things that seriously didn’t even matter in the long run. People that left as quickly as they came, situations that didn’t play out in my selfish favor, and a potpourri of other complaints. At the end of the day, it wasn’t worth the overindulgence of negative emotion that I invested. I’ll take the good with the bad and learn what I can in my valleys, but I think I may finally have the beginning of understanding. Understanding what it means to have some joy, even when it’s pouring. Eventually the clouds part, and the earth is saturated with the seeds of something new, the seeds of growth, and self-acceptance.

I get it. And I think it’s time that I take some charge over my own emotional capacity for once and stop letting everything break me into a million pieces. It gets old after a while, and it’s not worth it. I’m stronger than that, and I’m stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for.

I’m curious to see what is staged next for me. Because I’ve got a nice new arsenal of moral fiber and principle to approach things with.

Rader out. ✌🏻