#Gotta lot of trauma and undiagnosed weird stuff going on and sometimes it's just laughable

[popcornoncemore]

TLDR: Basically, I have no idea why but my brain decided that in order to cope, I would need Grantaire from Les Mis in my head bc I probably have an undiagnosed dissociative disorder or something

So idk what's up with me, but I deal with stress and trauma by dissociating and just kinda becoming different versions of myself? I'm hesitant to call it OSDD or anything, but I've been doing this for quite a while now and there are a couple consistent characters that help me live life. We're all simultaneously me but also kind of not and we feel different ways about things, have different skills, and we have different priorities. There's not really an inner world for me like many people I know with OSDD, but I do have a lot of conflicting thoughts and internal conversations. Hopefully that makes sense.

There's Dallas, who is adult me and who isn't afraid of confrontation or doctors offices. There's Cheesecake, who is kind of child me who helps me deal with trauma and interact with people. There may be a guy called Maximillian who helps with my OCD stuff but idk if he's really defined enough.

But for whatever reason, a couple months ago my brain decided that the way to deal with suicidal thoughts and stress for my future was by copy-pasting the fandom version of Grantaire from Les Mis into my head? Technically, he came with the name Blake, but internally is just called R for no reason and he's a dramatic af alcoholic. I have never had alcohol or any addictive substance (besides my caffeine addiction, which is much stronger when I'm R), but when I'm in that "mode" I just get tempted to go drink it off. It's funny because it actually helps because when we're him, it's easier to pretend not to give a damn about problems and also we don't care what anyone thinks about us. It's funny because I'll feel weird in a social situation and my brain copes by turning on chilled out alcoholic man with no filter.

Idk why I decided to post about this now lol, it's just a funny thing in my head. I don't understand what this is, but it's something I've lived with for a while and I know there are some other people with dissociative disorders in this fandom who might get a laugh out of my internal fanfiction insert