#Gosh academic works have long fucking titles

[donkey-hyuck]

Bus Ride Away

^^ song based off of Bryce Xavier

A/N- the lyrics are italicized, whether they are dialogue or included into the story separately. And in no way is this story based on the title (sorry) just based off of the lyrics and meaning. A lot of cursing! Lots of time skips

Word count- 6.9k

Genre- angst/ some fluff/ post breakup! Au/ college! Au (almost half of the story)

Characters/pairing- jung jaehyun X Fem! Reader (not really bc they don’t get back together, sorry if that’s not what you wanted but it’s my story lol😝)/ Johnny Seo/ mentions Mark and Taeyong/ original characters (Byeol, Hina)/ extras that aren’t prominent to the story.

Introducing- after three long years of loving him, your love died out. Jung Jaehyun had been your high school sweetheart and you wouldn’t have it any other way. From junior year in high school to your freshman year in university, you gave each other your all. After ending it on good terms, you moved on easily. While your ex lover had less luck with falling out of love with you. Years had passed by and Jung Jaehyun still had so much love for you, and when you received an email from “an old friend” you definitely weren’t expecting it to be him.

The lyrics of the song that are mentioned are NOT in order of how the song goes.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾

Falling in love with Jung Jaehyun at sixteen was all you could ever ask for. He was the star athlete during all seasons, he had high marks when it came to academics, he was a part of the dance club, and he sang so well when auditioning for plays that the school held, getting the lead role almost instantly.

Falling in love with you at sixteen was all Jaehyun could ever ask for. You were a part of the tutoring service at school, captain of the girls volleyball team, head of the theatrics, a part of the student council, and was the lead singer during choir.

The two of you were the idol couple. Of course people were jealous of one or the other. Hell, students from across town admired the two of you. As a couple, you and Jaehyun had been a part of so much during school and extracurricular activities, helping students, teachers, and the community. There was just so much cheer whenever you two were around. And you remained as a couple through senior year graduation, making people think the two of you would last forever, for sure.

But somewhere during the first semester of your freshman year in university, your love for Jung Jaehyun had slowly dialed down. Too caught up in your music- theory and composition major and communications major, you had realized you didn’t have enough time for Jaehyun. The two majors you were enrolled in were quite opposite therefore, meaning that you didn’t have enough time to share with Jaehyun. It was upsetting because you loved the man so much, but you wanted to have a good job, and you wanted him to excel at life. Being in a relationship was something you had never seen in your life, always thinking it was a bit of a burden. So when Jung Jaehyun had asked you out, it took some time to respond and reciprocate his feelings. And when you agreed to go out with Jaehyun, he treated you like a small chinese porcelain doll. You meant everything to him.

“Can you meet me at the lake near campus? I need to tell you something.” It was so nerve wracking as your fingers moved across the keyboard on the screen. Contemplating on sending it, you acquired that it was bound to happen at some point. And now was that time. Walking toward the small lake you and Jaehyun would meet when you needed to relieve your stress, shivers had crawled down your spine and through your whole body.

“Hey, what did you want to talk about?” Asked Jaehyun from the little arched bridge. Nervousness filled you up again, you were not expecting him to be there first. You had wanted to reach the lake first in hopes you could practice, for the nth time, what you were going to say.

“Jaehyun…” you exhaled the breath you held in. “I didn’t know how to say this and I practiced saying this for a while. Just know that this is for the best and I love you so much.... But, I think we should call it off. University is getting to my head and I don’t want to cause any pain to you when seeing me stressed out about my life. I want the best for you and that’s not with me anymore. I’m incredibly sorry and I love you more than words can explain. You showed me what the statement high school sweethearts meant. I’m so appreciative of having someone like you in my life. You taught me how to live, you taught me how to be brave, you taught me how to love. But we have to move on now, our lives will only get more complicated from here. And from the bottom of my heart, I’ll always love you endlessly.” It was quiet for some time before Jaehyun looked up and smiled a bittersweet smile, with tears rimming his almond eyes you were sure you were going to miss. “I don’t want to, but I agree. This is for the best of us and I know that’s all you want for me. It’s sad, I definitely wasn’t expecting this when you asked to meet. But I know your feelings are genuine and I don’t want to keep you from achieving your dream. I’ll love you endlessly and when you release music, I’ll be your number one fan.” Tears dripped down his face as you both chuckled. Lifting your hand and wiping the tears you’d barely seen after three years, tears filled your eyes too. “Don’t cry, or else you’ll make me cry,” you whined and he laughed, resting his hand on yours that lied on his cheek. “I’ll love you until the end of time.” He closed his eyes, “I think you should go now, it’s getting pretty late. And I know you have work to do. We‘ll stay as friends, yeah?” Nodding. “Of course we will.”

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾

Four years. It had been four years since your breakup with Jung Jaehyun. It was funny, remembering to stay friends, but that never happened. While looking forward to seeing your new, old, friend it seemed that he didn’t want to be linked with you, which was weird since he was the one to suggest it. But you couldn’t blame him if he never wanted to see you again, you broke the guys heart. Moving on from Jung Jaehyun was easier than you had initially thought, considering he was your first true love, you’d taken the breakup better than you believed you would, and didn’t think much past that.

It was the night of your graduation. Your friends had begged you to attend the party since you’re no longer going to be in school, unless you wanted an associates or master’s degree. “Come on Y/N! You’ve been so cooped up in your apartment all these years. We’ve graduated and now we can get our lives situated,” said Byeol. “Ooh, okay! Fine… But I’m not drinking. And if anything happens I’m getting my ass out of that frat house.” Hina and Byeol screeched in joy. “Thank you! We love you so much.”

Arriving at Yuta’s apartment complex, Hina and Byeol practically dragged you to the roof, where the party was happening. Opening the door, people who attended your university greeted your popular and outgoing friends. “Y/N! I’m glad you could make it! Finally you’re out of your apartment for some fun!” Said Yuta— a Japanese transferee— with the iconic red plastic cup in his hand. Looking around you noticed Jaehyun, he was standing less than ten feet away and was chatting with Johnny Seo— tallest member of the basketball team and fellow communications peer. Surprisingly, when looking at your ex-lover, you had felt nothing but happiness for him. You were happy he moved on. And while at the event, guys had instantly approached you, aghast to see you leave your apartment at night, to attend a frat party.

Jealousy was the word to express what Jung Jaehyun was feeling. Seeing the attention towards you, Jaehyun was surprised to see you there. But overall, he was jealous. It wasn't your intention, gosh you hated to make people feel jealous, he knew you felt that way, but people were just dismayed to see you at a party. “Hey, Jae? What’s wrong?”

When you’re with your friends you try to pretend that you moved on but you can’t.

After your breakup, Jaehyun went straight to Johnny’s apartment and spit out everything that had happened. He was upset and sad at first, but claimed to say he was doing fine without you. After a while, Jaehyun did a pretty good job in telling Johnny he was over you. Either that or Johnny Seo was just too damn gullible.

Looking back to you, he saw you were the same person you were four years ago. It was insane that he still had so many feelings for you after all these years. He just didn’t have the guts to approach you. He was a coward after asking to be friends and flat out ignoring you; how selfish of him. He knew you didn’t want him hurting and dwelling on his feelings. If only you knew how much Jung Jaehyun missed you, but you would— probably— never know.

Approaching you, the cup in Jaehyun’s hand had been slightly quivering as his legs had a mind of its own. “Jae, long time no see.” he smiled, “Yeah…” , “So, how have you been these years? We haven’t seen each other in a while.” Seeing you smiling and not hurt almost healed Jaehyun’s single heart, only to have it crushed again once he realized you were no longer together, you hadn’t been together since 2013. “I’ve been okay. Academics are a pain in the ass but I get help from my friends here and there. What about you? How’ve you been?” , “I’ve been doing the same. You know, same old, same old. Picked up painting again, so I’ve been painting in my apartment to get rid of my stress.” Jaehyun remembered when he bought you a canvas and paint brushes, somehow forgetting the paint. But he loved to see you paint, the creativity from your mind flowing to the white canvas. Fuck, he missed it all.

“Y/N! I have someone I want you to meet!” Shouted yuta from the other side of the roof. “Sorry, duty calls,” you laughed, “Uh, it was good seeing you safe and happy. Maybe we can hang out, you know, as friends one day, only if you’d like.” , “I would like that, yes. And it was great seeing you too Y/N.” He always loved the sound of your laugh, it brought him so much joy. He always tried to make you laugh, but now he was only making things feel awkward because he was a douche that continuously ignored you.

The night was only eleven but Hina and Byeol were sensibly intoxicated by all the alcohol. “You got them Y/N?”, “Yeah, bye guys.” Throwing them in the car, you walked to the driver's seat and started to drive to your apartment which was, thankfully, not far from Yuta’s apartment. “Hey, Y/N…. you know… Hina and I…. Hina and I…. We were talking to the jackass that ignored you….. and you know what he said…? The idiot said he misses you, and still loves you!.... what a joke,” their words were slurred but you hit the brakes anyway. “What? Why would he say that?” The girls were unable to answer since they were just knocked out cold. “He still loves me?”

You would have been lying if you said you were still in love with Jung Jaehyun. You loved him, just not in the way you used to. You just loved him as a friend now, and only wished for the best, without you. Your feelings were easily sidetracked because of school and didn’t think much about your feelings towards him. Though, it was clear to you now that Jung Jaehyun had never got rid of his love for you; his romantic feelings.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ Jung Jaehyun

After Jaehyun talked to his first love, his feelings had been exploding out of his chest. He was overjoyed to see you doing fine, picking up old hobbies the two of you shared. Painting. Maybe he should pick up painting too, just to try to connect to you once more. But he knew it would only make his feelings get stronger, if that was even possible.

Oh it’s sad to love someone so much who you know doesn’t care enough.

Jaehyun knew you still cared about him. You could never not care about him. However, he knew you cared for him like a close friend, maybe not even close. Even so, it made him think that there could be a chance. There could be a possibility for the two of you to get back together again.

“You idiot! You lied to me after all these years?! How could you lie to me like that?” Yelled Johnny when Jaehyun confessed his true feelings about you. “I thought I was going to get over her, but I just can’t! We gave each other our all and loved each other infinitely, but we broke it off. It was mutual, but I tried to convince myself that I would feel the same as her. Shocker! I didn’t, and holy shit do I love her so much. But I’m a prissy loser that can’t and won’t do anything to confuse her, hurt her, upset her, or disappoint her. Believe me, I tried, I really did. But everything I did never worked out and I’m stuck with a one sided love.” Grumbled Jaehyun, downing the rest of the spiked liquid and harshly placing the cup onto the table. “You are….” started Johnny. “This is all on you…. It’s your decision what to do with everything going on. I’ll be here for moral support and advice to give but everything you end up doing is all decided by you.”

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ Reader

Hina and Byeol woke up late the following morning. “Eat up while it’s still hot! Some drunk remedies for you alcoholics,” you joked, placing the bowl of soup in front of your friends. “Ugh I had the most horrible dream. I dreamt that we talked to that jerk-face Jaehyun and he revealed that he still loved you. It made my head hurt so bad, oh my gosh.” You dropped the other bowl of soup to the floor, shattering glass and boiling hot broth spilled on your feet; your face, expressionless, almost. “Woah! What’s gotten into you?!” Shouted Byeol. “Hina…. that wasn’t a dream. Last night, when I was driving home, you said Jaehyun missed me and he still loves me.” It was dead silent, the girls stopped wiping the floor. “What…? You broke up four years ago. How does he still have feelings after four damn years?” Emphasized Hina, standing up to throw away the paper towel and broken pieces of glass. “Never mind that! Do you feel the same way Y/N? Do you still love Jung Jaehyun?” Cleaning your soup stained feet, you walked to one of the stools. “.... I don’t, that’s why I’m so surprised. I thought he and I were at the same stage of being over each other. But I guess we’re not and he still has so much love for me…. When I don’t feel the same….” It was quite the predicament.

“Well, are you going to confront him?” , “..... I can’t. I already broke his heart once. I don’t love him like that anymore, no, but I still have emotions, and I’m a considerate human being. I can’t break his heart twice within a span of four years. I hoped that day was enough,” looking up to your friends who had confused looks on their faces. “I’ll just wait it out I suppose, we talked for a little last night and he seemed fine. But if he comes to me then I’ll let him down, again. If he doesn’t, it’s better for me not to see him sad, especially since his sadness is because of me.”

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾

“I can’t wait to meet you, girls!!! I have so much to tell you!!” The girls squealed over video chat while you were eating a small snack before bed. After a couple months of applying to different jobs, you had gotten accepted to work as a producer under SM Entertainment, it was truly rousing.

Hina and Byeol always wanted to keep in contact with you, they were your best friends, after all. And soon separating due to jobs, your small friend group was finally in Seoul at the same time. “I do too! The boutique is coming along so much better than last month's apparels!” Hina had pursued her career in the business and fashion game while Byeol was hired as a popular photographer for W Magazine.

“You will NOT believe who I had scheduled a shoot with the other day. Y/N you will lose your absolute shit when we see each other. I’ll tell you girls then, but for now I have to go shower and sleep. Tomorrow’s shoot is such a big deal for the magazine label. Bye! I love you both.” Subsequent to what Byeol had gossiped, curiosity spread in both you and Hina’s mind. “I wonder who she saw. And why she‘s acting like that.” Questioned Hina, scratching her head making you laugh. “Me too. I guess we’ll find out when we see each other on Wednesday. But I have to bathe Danbi. Can’t wait to see you! Love you Hina!” , “Okay, good luck with that. Love you too!” Closing your laptop, you shouted for Danbi, your year- and- a- half old nureongi dog. Whilst running the bath you couldn’t help but to wonder who Byeol previously worked with for her to tell you and freak out. “Who the hell could it be?”

The day of your meet, Wednesday. Waking up at around nine in the morning, you checked your emails that needed to be answered. Scrolling down, one email had caught your eye. From: An old friend, To: Y/N, Subject: ….Hi there :) “You’re absolutely kidding me.”

The restaurant Hina reserved, prior, was packed with people sitting in booths and waiting in line. “What the hell did you drag us into?” , “Relax, I had reservations set for us already.” The— quite attractive— waiter had brought you three to your table and did waiter things. “Okay, so…. my recent photo shoot was with…. Jung fucking Jaehyun, and Johnny Seo.” Hina, dramatically, choked while drinking her water. “Well, let me tell you… the same person emailed me at three in the morning, today.” Now both Byeol and Hina choked on their water. “You’re fucking with us!” , “I’m being dead serious. Look at my emails.”

“To the most lovely person, it’s Jaehyun. I know it’s been years upon years and I’m a prick that can’t stick to my words; but it’s been a while and I just wanted to reach out if we can actually hang out. As friends. I totally get why you wouldn’t want to catch up with me, and I totally understand if you don’t even respond. But I’d appreciate it if we could eventually meet up, even with our busy schedules. - Jung Jaehyun,” read Byeol with a traumatized look on her face and Hina with an even more traumatic expression on her‘s. “Look behind Y/N. Right now.” She was seated at the nearest end of the booth and she had seen the person that can’t get rid of his feelings, walk into the occupied restaurant.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ Jung Jaehyun

He’d been contemplating on writing a letter, texting you— if you still had the same number— or emailing you. “I’ll just email her,” he decided. Shakily opening his laptop in the midnight air, Jaehyun pressed the keys to your email address.

And it hurts, I wanna text so bad but you don’t want your best friend mad. ‘Cause they told you to walk away, but it’s hard and you’re feeling weak.

When Jaehyun called Johnny prior, he was upset but couldn’t control his best friend's romantic life. “Look, I don’t have a say in this but you shouldn’t text her by her number. You’d be crazy if you did that. Just email her I guess, but it’s been three years since you last saw her and it’s been seven whole years since you’ve been together. Jaehyun, I get that you love her but isn’t this a little crazy? And by a little I mean a lot crazy? What about her can’t you not forget? She’s clearly over you by now.” Jaehyun didn’t know either. He couldn’t answer Johnny’s questions because he didn’t have an answer. It was just difficult to think and talk about. And, of course, Jaehyun tried to get rid of his feelings for you. Going on blind dates, having one night stands, drinking his feelings away, but nothing helped, nothing cured him.

Jaehyun had been scouted as a model while working at some beat down cafe. It'd been about a year since his college graduation and he was pursuing his dream of being an architect. A not very known architect, at the time, but an architect nonetheless.

April 22, 2020 had been the schedule for his shoot with Johnny for W Magazine. While fitting into their Leonardo DiCaprio style clothes, they waited for the photographer they were to work with that day. Byeol had walked into the room, talking to a couple of the staff and when she turned to see her models, her face had dropped. The men had soon realized that their photographer was your best friend. Immediately going up to Byeol, Jaehyun had tried to talk to her about you. “It’s not for me to tell you how she is. Now get ready, I want this photo shoot done, pronto.”

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾

Looking to the table he had sat at, a girl was placed across him. “Wait! That’s Park Chaeyoung, she’s one of my models for this month's launch. What are they doing together?” , “What a two faced dickdead.” Scoffed Byeol, turning back to you and looking you in the eyes. “That wrench practically begged me to tell him how you’re doing and now he’s on a date with some model!? Quite the unbelievable person Jung Jaehyun is.”

Eating whatever you ordered, the girls just talked about how they were doing and scheduling your next get-together. Until Jaehyun walked by your table to get to the restroom. “Oh! I can talk to Chaeyoung now. I’ll inform you about what she says.”

Gliding across the room, Hina sat across Chaeyoung, catching her attention and smiling brightly. “Hi Hina! What brings you here? Did you just come here to talk about your launch? If so, I’m quite busy-” , “No, no. I’m here with my friends and we wanted to know why you’re here with, uh, Jung Jaehyun.” Her eyes virtually lit up at the mention of his name. “Oh, blind date. Our mutual friends set us up. He’s quite the guy! Super respectful, kind, and not to mention, incredibly good looking.”

Jaehyun had seen your face walking back from the restroom, and he paused in his steps, looking at the food-smiling you. He then looked back at Chaeyoung. The whole purpose of this blind date was to get over you, not see you. So, ignoring you, Jaehyun strided past, in small hopes you would notice that he was there; no luck. While looking ahead, he perceived his blind date to be talking to Hina, another one of your best friends. “Sorry, your date is back. But we’ll talk during the try-on. I’ll see you then, Chaeyoung.” , “Of course!” Hina glared at Jaehyun and purposefully bumped shoulders as she walked back to your table.

“They’re on a blind date. She seemed super interested in him. But I don’t know about the other story.” Byeol looked at the pair from her seat, making you laugh. “Guys it’s okay. It’s been seven years. I’m happy he’s finally going on dates. I appreciate it that you guys care, but I honestly don’t. Jaehyun is his own person and I am my own person. And we are separated, we have been separated for over six years now.”

Chatting away, your best friends couldn’t help but to look back at the table, only to see Jaehyun constantly glancing his way to yours. “Why do you guys keep looking back at their table?” You laughed at their faces but they just ignored your words and continued to stare down the blockhead that continually lied to you. “Maybe we should just go now… I think they’re a little uncomfortable. Plus, we don’t want them to ruin our plans for today, yeah?” They nodded and asked for a check. Walking out of the busy restaurant, Chaeyoung bid a goodbye to Hina and Jaehyun turned around only to see your back walking towards the exit.

If we ruled time and space and the Milky Way, would you reach me? Yeah, I know you wouldn’t reach me, but I hope that you think of me.

You had always thought of Jaehyun. After all, seven years had gone by so quickly and you had always wondered if he still had feelings or if he was still hurt. Whatever the reason was you were sincerely happy that he was moving on. And you were glad to see him more well-mannered and gentlemanly than he already was.

Jaehyun was glad to see you’d matured so well over the years he’d never seen you, but that made him miss you more everyday. Johnny had persistently been setting Jaehyun up on blind dates to get rid of his fondness for you, though to no avail and Johnny fails every time.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ Jung Jaehyun

It had been around four in the evening when Jaehyun went back to his shared apartment with Johnny. “Damnit Johnny I saw Y/N at that stupid restaurant. My affection for her is only getting stronger and I don’t know how to relieve them. This is taking such a big toll on me but it’s been seven fucking years. My heart aches for her so much and I don’t have a clue why!” He let out once more and Johnny just sighed, sitting on the couch next to his best friend. “Then just open up to her about it. She works under SM, yeah? Just ask around for her, you're doing a shoot with Wendy, right? Well, Y/N’s a producer for multiple artists under SM, just ask Wendy then.”

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾

It was the upcoming day and you were getting ready to work with Red Velvet and Super Junior. Opening the door and walking towards one of the receptionists, you had signed in and walked straight to one of the recording studios and greeted whoever tendered a good morning. “Morning Y/N!” Greeted Taeyong and Mark, a duo under SM but also a part of Super M, SM’s newest debut boy group. You’d worked together in the past, only on a couple of songs but they were really good friends with you. “Morning boys! You guys are quite hyper at this time in the morning. I’m almost done with my coffee and you guys have more energy than I do!” You played and pointed to the dark circles under your eyes, which you tried to conceal with makeup. They laughed and gave you a short hug. “What’s your schedule today, Y/N?” , “Just some stuff for Red Velvet and Suju. We don’t record until Sunday, though. What about you boys?”

“We have our choreo that we have to finish and then some try-on stuff for our promotions and music video.” , “I’m sad that we can’t work together this time. But good luck with that! I’ll be definitely checking out the album when it comes out! Bye Mark, bye Taeyong!”

You unlocked your office— which was basically just a recording studio— and went straight to the cafe on the ground floor since your manager had asked to grab him a cup of coffee.

“Hey. Weren’t expecting you down here.” The voice was so distinct. “I work here…?” It sounded like you were irritated but you really weren’t, just confused because you had thought he knew you worked under SM. “Oh- I know, it’s just, I uh….” He scratched his neck in embarrassment. “I just didn’t know what to say when I approached you. Plus you always used to have coffee at home.” You were surprised he remembered something as small as that. “I just came down here to get some breakfast and the coffee is for my partner. We’re working with Suju soon. Then we’re working with Red Velvet.” , “So am I! Well, just with Wendy, we have an SM Station coming up. Today’s just the shoot for it.”

“Y/N, your order!” , “Sorry. I didn’t expect to see you here, especially so early, since you’re not a morning person. But text me some time, yeah? I still have the same number so we can communicate whenever you’d like.” This made Jaehyun beyond exhilarated. Maybe there was hope after all; you remembered how he hated mornings and you offered him to text you. And he was stoked to finally see progress, though it was mostly his fault of the zero progress, anyways.

“Of course! I guess we’ll be seeing each other a little more for a while then.” , “Yeah. But I really gotta go. See you whenever Jae.” He was happy to finally be having a less awkward conversation with you. His emotions were exploding out of his heart but he was able to contain them. He was happy that you were calling him Jae again, no one ever really called him that besides Johnny. And at this moment, Jung Jaehyun was content with your interaction. This time, Jaehyun promised himself to buff up and get over everything because, as of now, you two were friends— or at least he’d hoped you were. Luck was on his side and now he didn’t have to ask Wendy about you. He barely even knew the girl.

While in the middle of their shoot, you had intruded to ask some staff how much longer it would take. “Maybe, thirty more minutes? This is the last outfit for the shoot then she’s all yours,” explained one of the makeup artists. “Can I sit here then? Just to wait, and only for ten minutes. I need to set up a little bit soon.” , “Of course you can!” So, scrolling through your phone and occasionally looking up Wendy and Jaehyun had a short five minute break. “Wendy!” , “Y/N!” She waved, getting her lipstick and hair retouched. “I’m about to go to my studio. I’ll see you and the girls then!”

“Sounds good! I’ll see you in about twenty. Bye Y/N!” Sauntering toward the exit, Jaehyun bid you a goodbye as well. “Bye, I hope we meet again soon!” You beckoned. There were no words to describe how Jaehyun was feeling. He had no idea where the sudden burst of confidence came from, but it came then and he was fortunate enough to experience it now. Better now than never, he thought.

The ensuing day, Jaehyun had texted you to eat and catch up over some brunch. “Only if you’re not busy. Which is totally fine if you are. We can reschedule!” You chuckled at the text, he was still the same shy and awkward high school boy from years ago. “I’m down. We can meet at the front of the building at 11:30. I have a meeting to attend first.” , “Great!”

Driving to the label, your routine had been the same as the days before and took the elevator up to the meeting room. Once the boring, yet, necessary meeting was over, you placed your binder of papers on the desk and walked back to the entrance of SM. You smiled when approaching Jaehyun. Tapping on his shoulder, he turned around and returned your smile. “Ready? I’m taking us to The Hideout. I don’t know if you remember but I really liked eating there.” Your smile only grew wider, and your eyes were squinted shut in happiness. “I do remember! We used to always get banana bread and french toast. Gosh, I missed that place! I haven’t been there since 2013.” , “You and me both,” he said on the quieter side, anticipating your ears weren’t able to catch what he had said. You did, but you wanted to convince yourself that this was all in good fun and you two were friends now. It was impossible that after the years that had passed, he still had some sort of romantic feelings for you. But oh boy, were you wrong. He just didn’t want to admit it to you, at least, not yet.

The car ride was exactly the opposite of what you’d thought it was going to be, thankfully. Jaehyun brought so many topics into the conversation during the ride and while you were eating. “We should definitely order the banana bread and french toast! It’s been a while since I had some good brunch food!”

And all of a sudden, after being in the café for a short while, the discussion had gotten more serious, “Look, Y/N. I know I was an ass in the past but I finally had the guts to ask to go out and not bail on you. And I’m incredibly sorry for always ignoring you and not sticking to my words. I’m a jerk that you shouldn't have forgiven but I’m so damn grateful you put up with me for almost a whole decade. Gosh, I’m such a fake person, but I’m here to make up for it. And I’m glad we’re here together, as friends.” Every word that exited Jaehyun’s lips were genuine and sincere. He was happy to finally reconnect with the one he used to call his love. Yet at the same time, he was sorrowful he wasn’t able to reconnect earlier, he was sorrowful that you and he were no longer together. But there was nothing he could do, it was your decision and you both talked it out.

“You’re completely fine! I mean, I get why you didn’t want to talk to me. I broke your heart and you weren’t ready for it. It’s my fault I suppose, I was the one to unexpectedly tell you what was going on. But I’m happy as well. I’m happy you’re doing fine, and I’m happy we’re here as friends. And I’m happy you went on that date with Chaeyoung, you really needed it, I could tell… Oh! Speaking of Chaeyoung I wanted to ask how you two were doing. If the both of you were no longer going out on blind dates.” Your eyes had lit up at the thought of him being in another relationship. “We’re not, unfortunately. She did divulge in her thoughts about me, I just didn’t feel the same, I guess. She was undoubtedly nice but something just didn’t click between the both of us.” The light in your eyes had now dropped down. “That sucks. I’m sorry for asking then.” , “Oh, no! You’re great, I don’t really like blind dates anyway.”

The next half hour had passed by quickly and your manager had called you to meet at the studio for another, abrupt, meeting. “Well let’s go, I don’t want you to be late for that!” Jaehyun was still as kindhearted and delightful as you remembered. It was one of the things you loved and admired about him.

“Maybe we can meet again some time..?” , “We sure can! Honestly, we can just meet at the café on the first floor while you’re working with Wendy. But if you have any other plans, definitely text me! Well, I’ll be off now. I hope you enjoy the rest of the day in SM. Bye Jae.” Turning toward the elevator, Jaehyun admired your figure, then Wendy taps his back, jolting his reflexes. “Woah. Jung Jaehyun, are you interested in L/N, Y/N.” He sighed, a shy and sly smile appeared on his dimpled face. “I am. And I have been for seven whole years. Well, almost seven.” , “Wait, what? What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’ve loved Y/N for that long.... We separated seven years ago and I’m still so damn in love with her. Our anniversary is on June fourth. I want to take her out then and reveal my care for her.” Wendy sighed, patting Jaehyun on his back. “Good luck with that but she doesn’t seem to feel the same way.” The dimples on his face disappeared, “I know… when she and I broke up, she seemed completely fine and I was suffering. And I was a douchebag because I ignored her for years. Now’s the time to recover the time I had missed.” , “Are you going to tell her?” She looked at the taller man who was still staring at the elevator you took to your office. “Eventually….. June fourth, I will. I have to let go of my feelings for her and I think telling her that I still love her will help. That or Johnny just sucks at giving advice.” She sighed, a little disappointed, in a way. “Well, good luck with that. But just don’t think about it now. June fourth is still a couple months away. Just spend more time together and confess to her then. Now, let’s go, they’re going to get mad that we’re late.”

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾

Meeting with Jaehyun over the past two months was very pleasurable. You did miss his old self, you missed hanging out with Jung Jaehyun more than anything. He was such good company once he opened up, it was also one of the things you loved about him.

“Oh my gosh did you remember when Mrs. Yoon caught us making out? Her face was honestly priceless. Man, I hated her being.” He laughed. Of course you remembered, how could you not? “Yeah, she never bothered us the rest of the semester!” Reminiscing you past, the two of you joked around. You fooled around so much that you caught strangers stares.

“Well, I had fun tonight Y/N. I’ll invite you to dinner again soon. But dress up, I think I’m going to reserve a fancy restaurant.” It was quite weird, but it was Jung Jaehyun. And he was a sucker for sentimental moments. “Okay. Thanks for today. I had fun, like always. I’ll see you then. And thanks for the ride, I totally could have drove there myself.” , “I wouldn’t let you do that though.” Standing on your toes, you hugged the man that used to own your heart. “Thank you, Jae.” He hugged back. “Don’t thank me. But I’ll see you soon, yeah?” You nodded and waved as he walked to his car.

While showering your face had dropped, thinking about Jaehyun. You’d hoped he didn’t get any ideas about you having feelings for him. “No, he can’t be into me, after seven years he still can't have the same feelings. That’s impossible.”

June 4, 2020. You vividly remembered the date of your anniversary with Jaehyun. And it was fishy he had texted you, the morning of, about going to Rich Table, a renewed fancy restaurant downtown. “What is this boy up to this time?” You’d thought while reading the text he’d sent you.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ Jung Jaehyun

Jaehyun looked in the mirror. Fixing his tie and gelling his hair down, he retold himself, “Just admit that you still love her but you didn’t want things to feel unwieldy. You got this Jung Jaehyun. She’s over you and you have to move on.”

And it breaks me inside, ‘cause I know that it’s been over now.

There were no words in the entirety of the universe to explain how he felt, and how guilty he was since he still loved you. Jaehyun knew you remembered your anniversary, and he felt so distressed about you remembering. He knew you must’ve thought something was wrong.

But you make excuses still, so there’s a reason not to kill every feeling you have for them.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾

Eight P.M., Thursday June fourth. Like he promised, Jaehyun was at your door by eight sharp. The car ride, this time, had so much unknown tension. And while placing yourselves at the table, there was still absolute silence. It was quiet when you ordered and it continued to stay quiet as you ate, the both of you avoiding eye contact with each other.

“Y/N.... I know what you’re thinking. But I just wanted to take you out today to confess that I am still so in love with you.” You were silent, and looking straight at the table. “I’m sorry I was such a coward after not admitting it to you after years had gone by. But I wanted to find the perfect time to tell you, and I figured today was the right time. I already knew that you knew I had something planned. And I’m sure this wasn’t what you were expecting. I apologize a million times for being such a wuss and not saying anything at all. I thought that trying to meet with you would make every emotion that you taught me, go away. You’re probably mad as I say all this, but I don’t blame you. But those feelings have drifted away slowly…. You know, here and there. So, I wanted to tell you this as friends….. that if…. if you were only a bus ride away, would you see me?” It was hushed for a long moment, until you looked up at him with tears in your eyes. “Of course I would. We’re okay now. Why would you even ask that? And I couldn’t never stay mad at you. I’m not that kind of person, Jaehyun. Just know that we broke up and you were fine with it, and please know that I still have so much love for you in my heart.” He dryly laughed. “But not the same way I do. I missed us a lot, I missed you a fuck-ton. But most importantly, I wanted to say that I miss when you needed me.”

[sapphicscholar]

hi so I didn't know who to ask but in my psych class we're learning about adolescent psychology, & there was this unit on developing interest in relationships. It went way into detail on how the brain changes during that time, which was interesting, but ofc my gay ass couldn't relate. at the end all it said was 'it's different for homosexuals.' I guess I'm wondering if you know of any way to learn about psychology relating to LGBT people? srsly im thirsty for anything in academia I can relate to

(same psych anon) that was a pretty specific question so I guess like do you have any info or know of any links/ websites/places to learn about lgbt history and lives and stuff like that in an academic way? bc I love school & learning but I’ve always wanted to learn more about myself and people like me, but they never teach that in schools.

Oh my gosh SO MANY THINGS! Okay, so, the psych stuff is pretty outside of my knowledge but I asked my gf (she does the science in this relationship while my gay ass just reads a whole lot of books), and she recommends Helen Fisher and looking at the researchers at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality or the Kinsey Institute, as well as The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ Studies (it’s an online resource a lot of universities subscribe to). But I’d also say that as far as thinking about developmental narratives, LGBTQ memoirs are a great place to start, especially since so many of them go through their own experiences of having to confront this heteronormative, cis-centric narrative that just doesn’t fit them and their lives. 

So some good queer history authors are: John D’Emilio (comprehensive, if a bit male-centric), Lillian Faderman (writing all about lesbian history, including more recent history; very well-respected; she’s got some issues in her scholarship that by no means discount it as a whole, but I’m happy to talk more about if you want), Michael Bronski (his Queer History of the United States is really accessible), George Chauncey (it’s just of NYC, but still fun), Estelle B. Freedman, Foucault (though it’s not quite “history,” it’s a kind of history meets theory of regimes of power and how sexuality got tied up in that), Martha Vicinus (I adore her), Valerie Traub (goes all the way back to the early modern period), and so many others who really focus more on niche history, so I won’t list them here. There are some web resources, but I know a lot of them are databases that are subscription-based. I’ll see what I can’t dig up in the next couple of days as far as free websites. I know they exist; it’s just a matter of having the time to look…

Okay, you didn’t specifically say you were interested in literature but bc I taught literature and think it’s a great way to learn about the history of a group, I’m gonna list some anyway and you can feel free to disregard!

Patricia Highsmith, The Price of Salt (or Carol, depends on the year it was printed) – you can also check out the movie! I find the two to be complementary (the book gives you Therese’s POV almost exclusively, whereas the movie shows much more of Carol’s story) 

Alison Bechdel, Fun Home is her graphic novel/memoir that’s really excellent, but the comic strip that sort of launched her as a public persona (at least within the lesbian community) was Dykes to Watch Out For, quite a bit of which is available for free online

Henry James, The Bostonians – one of the first recognizable depictions of a queer female character in literature (not really…I’d trouble that as a professor, but that’s how it gets taught in general, and it was one of the first books where even contemporary reviewers were quick to note that there was something “wrong” or “morbid,” which was 19th C. code for what would come to be understood as lesbian sexuality, about Olive Chancellor) – free online, though it’s James at his most….Jamesian, which means it’s not that accessible

The poetry of Emily Dickinson! It’s all free online. There’s a ton of it, though much of it isn’t obviously queer

James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room – gets into bisexual identity in a way a lot of works don’t do; on the sadder side…fair warning 

Virginia Woolf! Especially Orlando or Mrs. Dalloway – the former has been called “the longest and most charming love-letter in literature” (to Woolf’s longtime friend and lover, Vita Sackville-West) and deals with the fluidity of gender and time; the latter has quite a few flashbacks to the brief childhood romance of the protagonist and her friend. Both of them are great, but Woolf, as a modernist, can have a writing style that’s difficult to get into at first (for instance, time really isn’t stable or linear, which is something I adore about her, but definitely takes some getting used to). They’re both available free online through Project Gutenberg

Radclyffe Hall, The Well of Loneliness – it’s a classic, in the sense that it’s one of those books people sort of expect you to have read if you do lesbian literature. It’s certainly an interesting story and told well, but it’s not even close to a happy ending and is rather conciliatory to prevailing norms (though even still it was taken to the courts under the  obscenity laws) - free online, though!

Sarah Waters – a contemporary novelist who writes almost all historical fiction about queer women! Some of her stories are better known (e.g. Tipping the Velvet), but they’re pretty much all great. Varying degrees of angst, but definitely an accessible read

Maggie Nelson, The Argonauts – sort of experimental in form (it’s fiction with footnotes!); it deals with a lesbian woman coming to terms with her partner’s transition and her own identity during the process 

E.M. Forster, Maurice – even though it was first drafted in the 1910s, Forster edited it throughout his life, and, given the subject matter, which was also autobiographical, and the prevailing attitudes at the time, the book was only published posthumously in the 70s

Colette’s Claudine series – it’s long (multi-volume) but sort of a classic – they’re all old enough to be free online, though the English translation is harder to come by 

Eileen Myles – lesbian poet and novelist – I’d recommend Inferno but some of her poetry is free online 

Rita Mae Brown – Rubyfruit Jungle and Oranges Are not the Only Fruit are both quite good, though, especially the latter deals with religiously-motivated homophobia, so I know at least my girlfriend, who dealt with a lot of that from her family, opted not to read it for her own mental health. 

Tony Kushner, Angels in America – this two-part play deals with the AIDS crisis in America – it’s been turned into a TV miniseries, a Broadway play, and a movie, some of which are available online

Really anything by David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs – both are gay authors who deal a lot with short stories (a ton of memoir/autobiographical stuff) – the former is a bit funnier, but they both have enough sarcasm and dry wit even in dark situations to make them fast reads 

Alan Ginsburg’s poetry 

Walt Whitman’s poetry (though it can be really fucking racist) 

Binyavanga Wainaina, One Day I Will Write About This Place – does deal with issues of sexual abuse as a warning 

Anything by Amber Hollibaugh (she writes a lot about class and butch/femme dynamics – quite a bit of her stuff has been scanned and uploaded online) 

Michelle Tea – was a slam poet; recovering alcoholic; fantastically funny and talented author and delightful human being if you ever get the chance to meet her or go to one of her readings

Randy Shilts, And the Band Played On – more a work of investigative journalism than anything, the work is a stunning indictment of the indifference of the US government during some of the worst years of the AIDS crisis, but it also provides a good bit of gay history 

Terry Galloway Mean Little Deaf Queer – deals with one woman’s experience of losing her hearing and navigating the world and the Deaf and deaf communities as a once-hearing person – she’s sort of acerbic and always funny;

Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex – grapples with intersex identity in a way that’s still far too rare in literature 

Theodore Winthrop, Cecil Dreem – just rediscovered about two years ago, this is one of the few pretty happy gay novels from the nineteenth century! Free online!

Leslie Feinberg, Stone Butch Blues – pretty clear from the title, but deals with a butch character’s struggles with gender identity (takes T to pass for a while, but then gets alienated from the lesbian community; eventually stops taking T, but still struggles with what that means for her) – Feinberg’s wife made it free online for everyone after Feinberg’s death (the book had a limited print run, which made finding copies both hard and expensive) 

Harvey Fierstein, Torch Song Trilogy – trilogy later adapted for film about an effeminate gay man (who also performs as a drag queen) and his life and family   

Oscar Wilde – his novels aren’t explicitly gay, but they often dance around it thematically, at least; his heartbreaking letter, De Profundis, which he wrote to his lover while imprisoned for “gross indecency,” is available online 

Anything by Dorothy Alison 

Audre Lorde, Zami: A New Spelling of My Name - great as a memoir and a cultural history  

There’s so many more but this is so my jam I suspect I’ve already rambled too long

If you’re interested in film, here are a few: 

Paris Is Burning (a film about drag ball culture in NYC) 

Fire – Deepa Mehta (it’s on YouTube in the US) 

Boys Don’t Cry – there is a lot of homophobia and transphobia in the film, so it’s definitely one you’ll want to be in the right mindset to watch (I, for one, have only watched it once) 

But I’m a Cheerleader – over-the-top mockumentary-esque film that satirizes conversion therapy and the Christian “documentaries” that claimed to showcase their successes (RuPaul is in it as well) 

Desert Hearts – one of the earliest films to leave open the possibility of a happy ending for the lesbian couple 

Hedwig and the Angry Itch – deals with gender identity and feelings of not belonging (also a fabulous musical) 

Philadelphia – about one man’s experience of discrimination while dying of AIDS 

There are plenty of lighter films, but I figure these tend to also talk more seriously about some issues as well

I don’t know if anyone but me made it to the end of this post, but there’s also so much fun queer theory out there that I won’t get into here, but I’m always up for giving more recommendations!