#GOING FERAL IN THE CHAT (kk's dms)

[casualavocados]

[okay 90% of this was written by @grapejuicegay we're just having A Time:]

mes was supposed to represent the good akk did. but akk was already failing at it by the time we met him. there's the scene in ep3 pt3 where wat, kan, and akk had a conversation on the stairs at night and talked about how akk could consider quitting as head of the prefect club if the pressure was too much - because people don't respect their authority as much anymore as they did during mes's time as the head prefect.

but akk sees it as a failure on his part - that HE'S the one who can't keep people in check, that HE'S not good enough. He even says that the struggle & challenge is a good thing, that if they (he) can get through it, it'll be "cool" (it'll mean that he's good enough).

so he's already decided that he's not a good person because he can't do good with this position and therefore he doesn't deserve good things - he deserves the pressure

but then ayan comes in and suddenly his world view shifts

but in this new perspective, he's STILL failed because he's been the bully, he's the one hurting people so no matter how he looks at it he's a bad person and he doesn't deserve good things. even if he still believed he was in the right this would be what he said, because in his eyes he's always failing.

but ayan is just there like i don't care i like you you're my boyfriend now

...so there must be SOMEthing good about him, right? because good things are happening to him?

AS FOR MES. imagine HIS position. he's not just telling akk all of this, this is how he grew up too, he's internalised all of this as well.  and suddenly he leaves suppalo and the world just doesn't work like that? it's not that black and white? and even if it was, what good has he done? his validation was coming from the school and from chadok. with neither around who is there to validate him? and what is he without that validation? no wonder he had a breakdown

which is also why it's so important to me that ayan's response was literally just i don't care. he does know all the bad things akk's done. and he knows all the good about him too. and yet there's no telling akk he's a good person - because that's all still outside validation.

akk is just loved because he is. he doesn't have to prove that to earn it. he just IS.

& that matches all the ways ayan tells akk he likes him. "i like being with you. i like it when you smile widely. i like seeing you with your parents." akk doesn't have to prove anything. just by being, he's enough.