#GOD what an absolute alphabet soup of names going on here

[sforzesco]

lucullus: you know what. this doesn't concern me.

After this [Crassus] collected sailing vessels, crossed into Africa, and joined Metellus Pius, an illustrious man, who had got together a considerable army. However, he remained there no long time, but after dissension with Metellus set out and joined Sulla.

-Plutarch, Crassus

⭐ places I’m at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app / tip jar!

[drabbles-mc]

here it is!!! the return of my roman empire!!!!!!

the way you immediately set the tone with Mika's palpable anxiety. amazing. chef's kiss. and who could blame her???????!!!!

So much for keeping the information contained between just her and Connie. So much for keeping the DEA out of it. -> the way that all of us, and also Mika, mention any of the alphabet soup government agencies with the same emotion as timmy turner's dad talking about his neighbor

The door fell open to reveal the barrel of a Glock that Kiki had given her years ago, shining in the low light of the car. -> one of the things that Kiki and Mika have in common is that they do NOT fuck around. and i love them both for that. also anytime i see the word "glock" all i can think of is that audio snippet that says, "Glockin' into work. Strapped." and it sends me into fits of giggles every time lmao

She distinctly remembered, as she took in the scene, being afflicted with an almost inappropriate sense of relief that Rita wouldn’t have had to clean all of that up herself. -> this is SUCH a statement and testament to her character. it also makes me want to cry a little bit. but god i just feel like this one sentence really says so much about her and i love every bit of it

Or, her life. Now. -> EXCUSE ME??? HOW DARE YOU????

okay OBVIOUSLY i don't want her to turn Javi into swiss cheese but like. a graze injury after being dumb enough to sneak up on her like that??? karma. evolutionary justice. it would've been deserved but lucky for him Mika has far more restraint than me 😂😂

“But do you, Agent Peña?” / “Do I what?” / “Really matter?” -> YEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! god kay there are so many things that i can always count on you to deliver. but letting these women be absolutely EVERYTHINGGGGG is definitely something i know is like. a staple. like coffee at a diner. i know it's always gonna be there and it's always gonna be good. *chefskissjustright*

“You’re not gonna make me invoke my dead husband’s name to shame you into telling me, are you?” -> nah but she's so right for this. if i was her??? a bitch would not hesitate if it was going to get the job done.

“Not something that comes naturally?" He let her hand slid out of his almost reluctantly before crossing his arms. "You wanna explain what that’s supposed to mean, exactly?” -> javi. JAVIER. we both know what this means. your skull ain't that thick. she said it and she was RIGHT!!

i'd copy/paste the dialogue that has me eating popcorn hand over fist but that would just be this ENTIRE conversation. i love her. i love that she is firm and real and honest and angry. she's earned that tenfold!! and tbh Javi needs to hear that shit. god. we love Mika Camarena in this house.

“So, I think a better question is, do you know how fucked up it all is?” -> RAHHHHH. this was such. SUCH a perfect conclusion to what she was saying. my heart hurts for her so much in such a tangible way but this just tied it up so perfectly. I'm in awe.

She looked him up and down, sizing him up like she hadn’t gotten it right the first time and decided, in that moment, she respected him infinitely more than she had just minutes ago. -> nothing to say other than this is such a delicious little piece of description. what a sentence. i can picture it so clearly i could scream.

“It makes sense now, chain-of-command and all that, but if I’d known direct worked better than diplomacy, I would’ve started off yelling.”  -> Mika really is the realest motherfucker out there and i love her for that

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. I LOVE HER. I COULD DROWN MYSELF IN THIS AU. MIKA CAMARENA MY QUEEN.

For Those That Seek the Jungle's Forgiveness | Part 2

(formerly "Gone. Like That." Catch up with -> Part 1)

⁂

Pairing: Mika Camarena & Connie Murphy and Mika Camarena x Javi Peña

Word count: ≈ 5.2K

TWs: Canon-typical violence, major character death, grief/mourning, loss of significant other, discussion of guns

This was an argument she'd had a long time ago with men in fancy suits that held prestigious, official-sounding titles and had absolutely no intention of actually listening. Mika almost accidentally manslaughters Javi when he sneaks up on her on dark street at night, and then she proceeds to roast him for pulling some trick-ass shit, not keeping in contact with Connie while he’s been looking into Steve’s disappearance. Eventually, he accepts that Mika’s 40x smarter and wiser than him and bends the knee to the real comandante of this operation and comes one step closer to realizing he’s lowkey in love with her.

⁂

Mika glanced at her watch. Almost exactly half past eleven. She pulled up and idled in front of Connie and Steve’s place, staring at the front steps and metal railing that led to the black, geometric, lattice work on the front door.

She couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched. By who? No clue. But with every tick of her watch, she jumped, confusing it with the phantom sound of a camera snapping. She could already see what the picture might look like: her station wagon parked conspicuously in front of the building, bathed in the warm, sallow glow of the street lights. 

Hand on the wheel, she leaned forward, surveying the street with an outstretched index finger before making a U-turn and parking on the other side of the street. The engine was already off by the time she noticed it in the rear view mirror, a familiar boxy silhouette, two cars back, jacked up on all four wheels, that giant hood covering the back. Shit. It was Javi’s. She’d recognize that jalopy anywhere. So much for keeping the information contained between just her and Connie. So much for keeping the DEA out of it.

Oh well, she’d just have to find a way to convince Javi to go it alone with them. That would probably take some doing. She’d have to call Laura, see if she could look after Kikito and Danny for a few more hours. She hated to be more of a burden but they couldn’t risk Javi getting a bunch of agencies involved that would only eat the clock fighting over jurisdiction, paperwork, money. Plus, Danny loved when Laura showed him all the new additions to their huge fish tank.

Still, it was strange. Didn’t Connie say on the phone that Javi went back embassy? He did live downstairs, though. He might've just stopped at home. But Connie made it sound like he’d left in a rush. Maybe he forgot to tell her something important. That’d make a lot more sense than him being home. Hell, chasing a man they didn’t know and would probably never meet, these guys always found reasons not to come home. Chasing a partner gone MIA? Fucking forget it. So sure, maybe he’d got some news. Maybe he’d booked it back in a hurry because the news was bad. Mika shook her head. No, no, don’t go there. Not yet.

Reaching over, she popped the glove box. The door fell open to reveal the barrel of a Glock that Kiki had given her years ago, shining in the low light of the car. Was she really going to walk around with this now? Was it even necessary? Of course it was. Steve was missing and this place was a war zone. She tucked it into her bag, keeping her hand inside around the grip but off the trigger just like Kiki showed her. This sense of certainty had been almost unthinkable back when he had first suggested he teach her how to use a gun. 

It had been right after the DFS shot Víctor in that cafe and the Guadalajara cartel put a hit out on Roger. A vision of the Knapps’ front yard and driveway, littered with sheets of broken glass, struck her. Goosebumps erupted, traveling up the back of her neck as the memory replayed.

Kiki had been gently rubbing her back while they were watching Roger and Rita frantically jam suitcases in the trunk of their car, the same glass crunching beneath each frenzied step they took. She distinctly remembered, as she took in the scene, being afflicted with an almost inappropriate sense of relief that Rita wouldn’t have had to clean all of that up herself.

Looking from the driveway back to her, Kiki declared almost out of the blue, 'See if Clarice can watch Danny and Kikito sometime this week. I’m gonna take you to the range.’

He was startled when she’d started laughing, beside herself because the whole thing was absurd, right? Except, the look of unwelcome assurance in his eyes, an ominous forecast of what was to come, reminded her that it wasn’t. And that itself was absurd. 

‘Baby, c’mon I’m serious.’ She could make out the ridge of his jaw bone under the skin, tensed to keep his voice low as he shook his head. ‘No. We can’t count on them coming after just me anymore. And I won’t leave you alone without knowing you can at least protect yourself, protect the boys. I’m tryin’ to end this, you know I can’t be with you all the time.’

She took a deep breath to quiet the anxious laughter. A flat look of resignation had passed over her face as she breathed out, ‘No, you’re right. You’re right.’

He put his arm around her and pulled her in so she could rest her head on his shoulder, lips dusting her forehead with a quick kiss.

‘No, I’m sorry. And I know, I know, I know. You don’t even have to say it, okay? As soon as I get this motherfucker Félix, we can start looking for places in San Diego. But right now, I need to know you can take care of business. I mean, look, okay?’ he threw his hand up, waving it around in the direction of the house. ‘Look– I mean, fuckin’ Roger was makin’ fuckin’ pancakes for his kids when they started shooting up the place!’

Mika mumbled something in agreement. 

‘And anyway, you’ll feel better knowing you can kick some ass,’ he looked down and gave her a wink, ‘y’know, the Calexico way.’

The warmth of the smile in his voice got her to crack one too. 

And the thing was, he had been right. She had felt better after that. Taking Kikito to school, baseball practice, doctor’s appointments, going for lunch with Ana and Ronnie, thinking about what guys who pulled her over - like that greaseball with the slicked back hair and sunglasses - would do if she flashed a gun when she reached for her license instead of cash. It might not have changed the outcome much. But at least they wouldn’t have been so smug, knowing she wasn’t going to make things easy for them. The naive part of her that had been stuck back in Calexico knew how insane that was. But the part of her there, in Guadalajara, had understood that’s simply how things needed to be. Such was their life.

Or, her life. Now.

And would you look at that? Steve gone, it was all hell breaking loose, all over again. Except whatever optimism she might’ve clung to back then like a deflating life raft went to the grave with Kiki. So, these days, she had no problem admitting she felt better with a gun. Kiki put it as, ‘knowing she could kick some ass.’ Today, she thought of it as more, in the likely event that she didn’t survive, she could make whoever decided to fuck with her regret choosing her to fuck with.

She steeled herself with a breath before opening the car door, then pulled the handle and swung it open. Kicking one leg out and whipping her head around to check the street, she felt like a periscope rising out of the sea, slowly standing up. Clear. Good. And with more self-assurance than she felt, she shut the car door, locked it, and made a beeline for the concrete stairs of the building entrance, fighting every step of the way not to give over to the mental image of being tracked by crosshairs, to not think about a little red dot on her back right where her heart would be. 

Halfway to the other side of the street, a voice rang out from the dark behind her. “Hey stranger.”

She stopped cold, heart pounding so fiercely, she wondered if maybe she hadn’t been right about the crosshairs and this was what being shot was like. Relief nearly knocked her on her ass when, glancing down to make sure she was still in one piece, she realized there was nothing. Hand still gripping the gun in her bag, she whipped around faster than she could think, nearly clocking Javi in the jaw with the barrel. Just barely dodging the blow, his hands went up in a gesture of armistice, and froze like that in the middle of the street, laughing awkwardly. 

“Oh my god, you scared the shit outta me. Enserio, cabrón? Has vuelto loco? Sneaking up behind a woman on a dark street? In one of the most dangerous cities in the world? Do you have a death wish?”

“Er, sorry. Yeah, I guess I sorta forgot living in a place as, uh–”

“Lawless? Insane as Medellin?”

”I was gonna say uh, unpredictable— but yeah, of course this isn’t really be new to you, is it? Pero,” he slowly brought one of his hands down and pushed the gun barrel to the side with his index finger to inspect it, “pues tengo que admitir que no esperaba que sí estuvieras tan preparada.”

He put his hand back up but something in looking at the gun made him drop his shoulders and relax into that familiar, annoying, Saturday-afternoon, Javier-‘The Man’-Peña posture he assumed when he was especially pleased with himself. 

“What?” Mika’s eyebrows shot up. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Man, I don’t know how to tell you this exactly,” he said, scratching his forehead. “But at the risk of er— taking a bullet to the face when I do, I— well, you should probably know that, uh … well, your safety’s on.” 

From the position marked with a tiny, engraved letter “S,” the safety switch mocked Mika as much as the upturned sides of Javi’s mustache. He kept his hands up as if to reassure her that she was still in control but doing a piss-poor job because he couldn’t seem to hide that shit eating smirk on his face. 

“Well,” she narrowed her eyes and shrugged, trying to play it off, “maybe I’m not out to get anyone killed. Maybe I just wanna scare them. You think anyone who matters is really gonna notice?” 

He cocked his head like a curious puppy, smiling even more, “I did.” 

“But do you, Agent Peña?” 

“Do I what?” 

“Really matter?” Mika shot back, voice laden with sarcasm but enough good humor to show she didn’t mean it.

They stared at each other for a moment and the combination of the half-wounded expression on his face and the way the street lights lit it orange like a fake tan made her want to laugh. 

“Ah shit,” she glanced down the barrel of the gun, tipping it slightly to the side, “that is such a Soccer Mom move. But y’wanna know what’s worse?” 

A touch of curiosity came to keep Javi’s smirk company, the desire to hear her answer punctuated by his silence.  

Mika shrugged. “My kids don’t even play soccer.”

Javi looked down, shoulders shaking as he tried to direct his laughter into the pavement instead of at her. It didn’t matter though because she was laughing too. Standing in the middle of the street, they dropped their hands and busted up together so synchronously, it looked almost rehearsed.

Once their little fit subsided, Javi was the first to come up for air. “So, what’s a rogue lady of the DEA wives’ club doing on an empty street in Bogotá this late at night? Besides trying to murder me with— what is–? Hold on, is that an MHS?” Javi grabbed her hand to get a better look at the piece. “Man, where’d you manage to get one of these?” 

Perplexed, Mika’s eyes darted down to the gun because for all she knew about firearms, it might as well have been a potato that she was holding. “Uhhh, it was a gift from Kiki’s partner. So, I could learn how to use one. Obviously,” she rolled her eyes, “you can see how well that went.”

“Man,” he said, letting it go with such fondness, “I didn’t even know they still made those things.” Which again, made as much sense as if he were marveling at a potato she was holding. “Y’know those are one of the only kinds of Glocks they made with slide mounted safety.”

She kept switching focus from Javi to the gun, trying to figure out what was so special about it, before realizing she didn’t actually care, “Alright, nerd,” and dropped her arm at her side.

“Yeah, yeah. Well, anyway,” Javi said, back to reality, “I think you were about to explain the reasons for my brush with death?”

“What? Before you got sidetracked, being all nerdy and shit?” 

“Sure, yeah.” 

“Well, what? You can’t guess?” Mika looked up at Connie’s window on the second floor and then back at Javi, whistling. “Man, you boys at the DEA must be losing your touch. They’ll hire anyone these days.” 

Javi rolled his eyes, “Ha ha ha” finally letting his hands drop, palms smacking his hips on the way down. “C’mon, put yourself in my position. Sure, that wild look of biblical hellfire in your eyes is gone, but you’ve still got that,”  he gestured at her side, “in your hand? So, y’know– thought it best to keep the conversation light.” 

“Whoops,” Mika said, chuckling and checking that the safety was still on before putting the gun back in her purse. 

Glancing at the empty street around them, Mika realized this might be a good opportunity to needle Javi for more info while she had him alone. Before he could clam up in front of Connie. “So, any news about Steve? I’m guessing that’s why you came back here, and not for a night cap and a bedtime story.” 

Javi regarded her, amused but not without suspicion, brows cinched as he caught his tongue between his teeth. Another mannerism of his Mika had picked up on in the few years she’d known him. Historically, she’d found it kinda cute when he wasn’t being evasive and annoying. When he was, she found herself hoping he’d slip and bite down a little too hard. 

Right now, he was being evasive and annoying. 

“Please, Javi. Don’t make me go there.”

”Sorry?” 

She eyed him with a measure of regret, acutely aware that his foot had just hit the metal plate of the conversational trap she’d just set and the mechanical jaws were about to clamp shut. “You’re not gonna make me invoke my dead husband’s name to shame you into telling me, are you?” There they went. 

His hands flew to his hips as he cocked one out to the side, face morphing from suspicious to pained and almost pleading. But still, nothing. 

With that, all regret evaporated and Mika just rolled her eyes, turning on her heels and headed for the door of the apartment building.  She made it to the other side of the street and up the steps but paused, fingertips on the handle, when she realized he wasn’t following her. 

“Cmon Agent Peña, just tell the truth.” Turning around, she shifted the weight of her bag on her shoulder so she could grab the spare key from one of its pockets. “Look, I know it’s not something that comes naturally to you boys in blue, but just think of it as practice. You know, for when you talk to Connie.”

Javi’s eyes darted from her, to the window of Connie and Steve’s apartment on the second floor, then back at her, then back down at the ground. Weighing his options, it seemed, he stood like that for what felt like ages before rubbing his face, grumbling into his palms, “Ah, fine. Fuck it.” 

Mika turned back to the door, taking a mental victory lap - gotcha - as she swung it open. 

And in a few long strides over to and up the stairs, skipping every other step, Javi was slipping in the door right behind her. He followed her down the hallway, both of them walking in silence, past his apartment, up the first flight of stairs, until, when turning to climb the next flight, he was seemingly unable to contain himself. “Hey. What’d you mean back there?” 

Mika kept pace about to start up the next set of stairs, paying him no mind.

He raised his voice to a kind of whisper-yell, grabbing her hand before she could get too far up the stairs, “Mika!” 

She turned around and walked back down stopping a step above him.

“Not something that comes naturally?" He let her hand slid out of his almost reluctantly before crossing his arms. "You wanna explain what that’s supposed to mean, exactly?”

There was more vulnerability in this than anger, the words of a boy on the playground whose feelings were hurt because someone kicked over his sandcastle.

She almost felt sorry for him but Connie’s words, thick with tears rang in her ears. Javi left before I could ask him anything. All he said was that he thinks Steve’s alive, but that just means he’s not sure he’s dead.

And all of a sudden, the long since dormant bitterness and fury that had made its home deep in the pit of her stomach when Kiki died came back to collect. With interest. It burned in her chest so tangibly, it felt like some toxic, poisonous gas all these years had been incubating in her body for all of these years that she was about to unleash with the steady stream of a flamethrower. Poor Javi. He was in for it.

The tragic part, the part she’d feel guilty about later, was that none of this was his fault. It was some bureaucrat’s, some bored old bastard, way up the chain of command, tucked away in some embassy office, sat behind a titanic mahogany desk so expensive it could cover the down payment on her house, even though he did nothing but shuffle papers around, shake hands, kiss babies, make phone calls to grieving wives and mothers to give them that familiar speech: Why yes, everything is under control, ma’am. We’re doing all that we can, ma’am. Well hey now, there’s no reason to raise your voice, ma’am. You just need to understand these things take time. Now, please take a seat over there so I can pretend like you’re not wasting mine, ma'am.

Unfortunately for Javi, he was the one in front of her. And there was nowhere else for it to go. He’d looked like he’d taken a few on the chin in his day, but she couldn’t be sure he could bounce back from this one. Not that it mattered. This was an argument she’d had a long time ago with men in fancy suits that held prestigious, official-sounding titles and had absolutely no intention of actually listening. If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one around to hear it, does it still make a sound?

Christ, was this going to be any different? 

“Look,” Mika sighed, “Connie already told me everything you’ve shared with her.” 

Looking like he was frozen in time, Javi stood there, forehead pinched in a moment of calculation. As much as he seemed unsure of what to expect, at the same time, he was aware enough not to insult her by playing completely dumb. 

“And to be honest?” she continued, crossing her arms. “So far, that ‘everything’ sounds like a whole lotta nothing.” 

Javi winced but managed to sputter out, “I don’t know what you’re talk—“ 

“Please. Don’t patronize me with all that,” Mika’s fingers came up to make air quotes, “‘What on earth could you mean?’ bullshit” and then ended the bit, dropping her hands at her hips. “Don’t you think I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime?” 

Eyes wide, mouth open, Javi looked stunned, the inevitable ‘What are you talking about?’ stuck in his throat, leaving him with nothing to say or do but wait for her to elaborate. 

“You wanna know what I’m talk—? Fine, fine. I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you exactly what I’m talking about.” With a clipped breath, she steadied herself. “You think you’re protecting Connie by keeping her in the dark. Gone for hours, not answering her calls, not checking in, not telling her where you’ve been, who you’ve talked to, where you’re going.” 

Her eyes pinned Javi in place, right there in the middle of the stairway. Perhaps trying not buckle under the weight of decades of forfeited accountability, in an effort to cope, he shrank back trying to become one with the wall. But Mika wasn’t done. 

“She’s not some precious fucking flower who’ll wilt at any mention of the truth. And she’s not an idiot. She deserves the facts and your honest assessment about well,” she waved her hands, “whatever is going on. And that includes what you think Steve’s chances are.” 

“His chances?” 

“Of being alive, Javi.” 

His jaw tightened hard, lips pursed like he was sucking on a lemon, and he paused for a long time before launching into the same good-ole-boy schpiel she’d heard a thousand times. With Javi though, there was a well-veiled but desperate sincerity with which he delivered it that reminded her of Jaime. “With all due respect Mika, I can’t— I don’t know if you understand the moving pieces at play here. How rigged the system is. How— well, how beyond fucked up it all is.”

Mika’s head sank, chin nearly touching her chest. However sincere, it wasn’t enough. 

“Y’know,” she spoke down at the ground, through a cruel, thin laugh, “I don’t bring this up often because it doesn’t make for great dinner conversation, certainly not an ice breaker. But since you’re such a man, I bet you can handle it,” and then looked back up to him with a smile that came nowhere close to her eyes. “When I arrived at the ME’s office to identify Kiki’s body, do you know what they were picking out of the gaping wounds on his head?” 

The look on Javi’s face said he wasn’t touching that with a ten-foot pole. He didn’t need to.

“Chunks of rebar and wood. Along with pieces of his skull.” 

A war waged in Javi’s eyes between heartbreak and indignation but he was smart enough to know that now was not the time to give voice to either. 

“Correct me if I’m wrong, maybe I’m mistaken. But were you there, Agent Peña? Were you the one to survey all the wounds he had? Did you read the coroner’s report– the one with that stupid, generic outline of a body that cataloged each and every injury? Did you see how riddled his body was? With bruises? Cuts? Welts? Burns?” She shook her head like she still couldn’t believe it. “Actual holes?”

His face conveyed nothing but heartbreak now. No matter that these were all rhetorical questions, it was the right answer. 

“So, I think a better question is, do you know how fucked up it all is?”

Eyes cast off to the side, Javi was quiet for a long time, rolling his tongue along the inside of his cheek, likely trying to decide what, if anything, to say, until he was reanimated by a moment of epiphany. He stood up straight, no longer resembling a shriveled barnacle, stuck to the wall. And it all came out, practically in one breath. 

“Alright, alright. Fine. You want the truth? The truth is, I have no idea. I have” he threw up his hands with the frustration of a man whose luck had run out, finally folding at the poker table, “not a fucking clue who took him. Nothing. No leads. No evidence. Except my colleague’s contacts in the military haven’t caught wind of anything about a DEA being taken by Escobar’s people, so it’s probably not him and I’ve just been trying to keep things quiet so th—“ 

“So you don’t get him killed by spooking the kidnappers because you turned law enforcement onto a big search. That’s a song and dance I remember.” 

“Right,” Javi carried on without missing a beat. “Which means I’ve got no help from the embassy, no help from my own agency, no help from the military. And I sure as fuck don’t want help from any of those shady fucks in the CIA. So yeah,” he;d been talking so fast, he was nearly gasping now, “I think— since it’s not Escobar, I think he might— well, might be—” 

“Dead.”

He exhaled a defeated, “Yeeup.”

After her little speech, Mika wasn’t sure what Javi would come back with but she didn’t expect him to fold quite so easily. He was an even easier nut to crack than Jaime had been when he came to give her the news that he’d found Kiki’s car. To be fair, she did have more leverage now, what with Kiki already being dead. Everyone already got their crash course, a ‘How-To’ in ‘What-Not-To-Do’ when a DEA agent goes missing. Still, she expected more resistance, more half-truths couched in platitudes, more bullshit. But he didn’t do that to her. 

She looked him up and down, sizing him up like she hadn’t gotten it right the first time and decided, in that moment, she respected him infinitely more than she had just minutes ago. 

“Okay,“ she began, breaking the silence. “Besides Escobar, who else would take him? Could it be someone in the government? Maybe loyal to the cartel but, I don’t know,” she shrugged, “operating without Escobar’s say-so?” 

Javi shook his head, “We have most of the financials of his operation, who takes his bribes, who’s on his payroll. Shit, half of them are bribed by us to look the other way when it’s convenient,” and looked wearily off to the side, grumbling, “The fuckin’ good guys, right.”

“Yeah, it seems like, no matter where you go, these ‘company’ men don’t have any real loyalty. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s some kind of professional code that the rest of us don’t know about.” 

Mika thought of Heath and the dozens of others in the DEA, Homeland Security, Defense Department, men in the same gray suits offering the same recycled condolences and half baked apologies in the months after Kiki died. She didn’t bother to wipe the stray tear that escaped down her cheek.

Javi shoved his hands in his pockets like he didn’t know what to do with them.

“Alright,” Mika said, with a knowing smile. “Well. There. That wasn’t so hard, now was it.”

“Oh sure, yeah, real piece of cake,” he scoffed. 

They were both quiet, staring at each other until Javi piped up, “Y’know actually, I hear there are some teaching positions open at that uh,” he snapped his fingers, “whatsit, the School of the Americas? Yeah, they could learn a thing or two from you. Call it Emotional Blackmail and Interrogation Techniques 101. You should look into that. Might be your calling. I hear the pay’s nothing earth shattering. But the health benefits— tsk great.” 

Mika looked down at the floor, chuckling. 

“Although, I gotta say, that biblical hellfire look? That is— phew,” he waved his hand in front of her face and she giggled, “that is raw talent. Can’t teach that. So alright, what's next, patrona, Ms. Inquisition? What do we do now?” 

“Well,” Mika’s nose scrunched, giving way to real laughter this time which helped her to break the news gently, “for starters, you’re gonna tell Connie everything you just told me.” 

Javi opened his mouth to protest, but she cut him off. “Look, if nothing in the last five minutes told you I’m not here for bullshit, maybe this will: as his wife, she deserves the truth.”

He crossed his arms again, quietly defensive.

“And as his wife, you might be able to leverage her, in case the higher ups try to play games, drag their feet on this.”

“Sorry,” he leaned forward like he didn’t hear her right, “leverage?”

“You said it yourself, you have no leads. It’s time to take this up the ladder, and there’s more than one of those, yes?” 

Javi groaned. 

“Look, when Kiki went missing, no one did anything at first. His boss Jaime was the only one looking. There was more traction when I got involved. But really,” she shook her head in awe,  like she still couldn’t believe it, “it’s not ‘till I lost my shit on one of the deputy directors in Mexico City that things started happening.” 

Get off your ass and start helping the other agents. Go find my fuckin’ husband! 

“It makes sense now, chain-of-command and all that, but if I’d known direct worked better than diplomacy, I would’ve started off yelling.” 

Javi raked his hands over his face. 

“So now, you need to figure out which ladder to take this up to.” 

“Yeah, okay,” his palms were nearly in his eye sockets now, “so when I figure that out, you want me to what—“ then dropped them from his face with a sigh. “Parade Connie, the distraught maybe-widow in front of whatever executive leadership and hope that’ll force them to act?” 

“Jesus Javi, it’s not like you’re a stage parent forcing your kid do pageants.” 

“Might as well be.”

“Don’t trivialize this, okay? This could work. Connie’s more than someone’s wife. She’s a person. And she’s smart. Articulate. Not only that, she’s a blonde-haired, blue-eyed nurse for god’s sake. America’s sweetheart. And frankly, she can be convincing to whatever executive leadership in a way that you can’t. I mean, let’s face it, all your police-radio jargon, letter-of-the-law, doublespeak nonsense, none of you law enforcement guys know how to properly emote.”

Javi laughed at that such fullness and depth, Mika realized that every time she’d heard him laugh before had been nothing but a pitiful shadow, a cheap imitation of the real thing. They'd known each other for a two years. How long could it have been since he'd laughed like that?

“Okay, Press Secretary Camarena. Point taken.”

“Plus, you have a trump card this time. Something Jaime and I didn’t have.” 

“Oh yeah. What’s that?” 

“The myth, the legend, the man himself, Kiki Camarena. Or really, the stain on the squeaky clean record of the DoD. The death of the myth, the legend, the man.” 

Javi chewed on that in silence, along with the inside of his cheek.

“Believe me, that’s a level of public scrutiny they don’t ever want to see again. They’ll avoid it at all costs. Especially if the government wants to keep selling weapons to anti-communist guerrillas. Undisturbed.” 

“Jesus Mika,” Javi kicked back off the wall, eyes wide with admiration, and she could practically see the lightbulb above his head, “You really have thought this whole thing through.” 

She bit back the tears welling in her eyes, an inexplicable wave of self-consciousness sweeping over her, and all she could think to do was shrug. “When someone dies, like how Kiki died, you always hear people talk about the hours they spent agonizing over it. Not sleeping for weeks, months— because you can’t help it. It’s involuntary. You think about things, replay every moment, every interaction– what could I have possibly said, done differently? What didn’t I see before it was too late?”

She swiped the tears off her cheeks and swallowed hard. He looked at her, touched by the peculiar sorrow that can only accompany surrogate grief. 

“Not many people get a chance to see the ‘what-ifs’ through. Me? I’ve had seven years to think about it. What I’d do differently. And now, I can use that to protect someone I love? Shit, this?” she smiled, making a gun gesture at Javi and pulling the trigger, “pschew. This is my shot.”

Javi just looked at her, dumbstruck. 

“Whatever happens,  god forbid, if Steve dies, however this plays out, it sure as hell won’t be because I wasted my shot.” 

With that, she turned, and walked up the stairs to the second floor. 

⥈

taglist: @narcolini, @drabbles-mc, @ladygoatee, @ashlingiswriting, @ashlingnarcos, @kesskirata @artemiseamoon, @cositapreciosa, @rerorero-my-cherry

[crybabykiko]

I'm not sure if u take requests but if u do could u write a NSFW alphabet for Issei?¿ ♡

So lemme tell you something- I got this req and the first thing that came out of my mouth was BIIIIIIIIITTTTCCCCHHHHHH

And I proceeded to scream cry and yell about this for idk how long. I put so much thought into this- I literally wrote it in almost one night completely. I have SO much to say about this man. My Issei brainrot is only fueled by my stupid horny Pisces brain- WHICH HE ALSO HAS god bless him. Anyway enough about me this turned my mind into soup and it all fell out of my ears enjoy ur fucking horse cock

NSFW Alphabet- Matsukawa Issei

No thoughts head he. 😌

gn!reader focused, obviously nsfw....

𝕬 - 𝕬𝖋𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖊

Best Service Dom. Best Dom EVER. Anything you want you get, you have to only say the words. Food? Already ordered so it would be there by the time you finished. Cuddles? His arms are wide open and his body is very warm. Sit in a bubble bath and scroll through your favorite online stores? The bath is nice and warm and his credit card is at your disposal. He takes amazing care of you, and will stop at nothing to make you feel secure/safe/happy at all times..

𝕭 - 𝕭𝖔𝖉𝖞 𝕻𝖆𝖗𝖙

Welll…. I… we all know what it is. I’ll explain more later but in addition to that he also has the most amazing arms/abs. He’s very lean, definitely naturally so. Doesn’t need to work out but does so anyway keep toned.

𝕮 - 𝕮𝖚𝖒

Likes to cum inside you, but simply so that he can watch it ooze out of your hole. Sometimes he’ll even keep fucking you after he’s finished to see himself push it back in even after it’s out.

𝕯 - 𝕯𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖞 𝕾𝖊𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖙

I hate adding this but he has a foot fetish. Not like a hardcore creepy kind of foot fetish- he just likes to suck a toe here and there. But only if they’re freshly pedicured… he’s very picky. He’ll give foot massages all the time tho if you ask him. He just never tells anyone about it because he knows his friends will clown him.

Not ur foot but close enough he would get you one of those little golden name anklets and kiss it every time he lifts your leg over his shoulder. 👀🦋

𝕰 - 𝕰𝖝𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊

Absolutely. He’s done a lot in his life, and is not short on any stories of past encounters. He is kind of a sex encyclopedia, but he’s very casual about it. If you bri bc up something you wanna try, 11/10 times he’s going to not only have done it, but be able to suggest ways for you to make it better- with several anecdotes.

𝕱 - 𝕱𝖆𝖛𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖙𝖊 𝕻𝖔𝖘𝖎𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

Doesn’t just like doggy- it is his lifeblood. It’s easier for him to control your movements while also making sure that he can bury himself all the way inside. He can have a vice grip on your hips one moment, his fists full of your hair the next- and if he starts spanking you well… that’s between you two and god.

He does like plain old missionary too, but only bc he can see himself in your tummy.

𝕲 - 𝕲𝖔𝖔𝖋𝖞

It makes him laugh sometimes when you struggle to take him all at once. He thinks it cute that you try, but it’s hilarious how big your head gets sometimes. He has to fuck you dumb and remind you that you can’t do that.

𝕳 - 𝕳𝖆𝖎𝖗

Trims, but not super short. He does wax his happy trail tho bc it makes him self-conscious.

𝕴 - 𝕴𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖆𝖈𝖞

Can actually be very romantic if he wants to. He is a Pisces, after all. He does enjoy foreplay and the sensuality of that to get you prepped, and he takes extra care to make sure you’re fully ready. He is going to be hard on you, but understands that he has to take good care of you, and he does

𝕵 - 𝕵𝖆𝖈𝖐 𝕺𝖋𝖋

Daily. At least once. It keeps the stress away and livens his mood. He does it as soon as he wakes up, and then if he’s having a really hard day or difficulty sleeping, he can do it to ease his nerves.

𝕶 - 𝕶𝖎𝖓𝖐

Size, obvious because everyone is smaller than him Skdkfkf he’s a giant. He’s 6’2 and his cock is at least 3 feet of that.

Daddy Kink, self explanatory mostly. It’s just so fucking sweet on his ears, his baby cooing for their daddy, trying so hard to work his entire cock into their tiny hole, trying to be so good for him… he loses it every time.

Voyeurism, likes watching you touch yourself. He finds it amusing how you think you can get yourself there without his help. You both know that’s impossible, but it turns him on to see you try.

Praise, again- he loves to make you feel special. And you work so hard fitting all of him inside, he has to tell you how good of a job you’re doing, especially because he’s appreciative of you letting him impale you. He has to let you know.

Mutual Masturbation, Kinda goes with voyeurism. If you’re away from each other, you’re definitely going to have sex via FaceTime- he just wants to see you, and also wants you to see him. To him, it lets you know you’re the only one that can get him there, and that your presence alone- even if he’s not touching you, is more than enough.

Lingerie, Loves nothing more than seeing you all pretty for him. He also just really likes the feeling of lace or silk against his fingertips He can get out of control and rip your sets tho- but don’t worry, death is a very lucrative business- He will buy you several replacements.

𝕷 - 𝕷𝖔𝖈𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

LOVES car sex. If the mood strikes, he WILL pull over. But really, he’ll take it wherever he can get it.

𝕸 - 𝕸𝖔𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

He’s very eager to please. A little lazy, yes, but at his core he wants to make sure you’re feeling good.

𝕹 - 𝕹𝖔!

He has done literally everything at least once and the one thing he just can’t get into is piss. One bad experience and a 3 month uti later he’s sworn off it for good.

𝕺 - 𝕺𝖗𝖆𝖑

Not his favorite. He could honestly go with or without it personally, just because there’s so much of him. But he will happily fuck your throat if you want him to, and will go down on you for hours to make sure you’re truly prepped. For someone who’s not a big fan of it, he’s actually AMAZING with his mouth. It’s lazy but in the best way possible.

𝕻 - 𝕻𝖆𝖈𝖊

Starts off slow so you’re good to go, but will pick up the pace as you stretch out. He does enjoy a few slow deep thrusts in between drilling you into oblivion tho. He never tries to make your guts into a smoothie on purpose, it just kinda happens that way.

𝕼 - 𝕼𝖚𝖎𝖈𝖐𝖎𝖊

He will never say no to quickie. The amount of fast food bathrooms and abandoned parking lots you’ve seen is astronomical. The amount of times Makki has kicked you out of his apartment for trying something while he goes to the bathroom is even higher.

𝕽 - 𝕽𝖎𝖘𝖐

He's the classic degen. bf who reaches across the table at the same time as your dad when you go “daddy can you pass the salt?”

So yes, he’s definitely going to tease you under a table at thanksgiving dinner.

He’s really going to have you whenever he wants- even if it comes at the expense of your pride/morals sometimes.

𝕾 - 𝕾𝖙𝖆𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖆

Can go on forever if you let him. Will overstim you to hell and back before he even thinks about cumming. Doesn’t even know he’s doing it- he’s so used to fucking you brainless that he doesn’t realize it’s too much. But he is SUPER apologetic about it and will make sure to treat you extra carefully.

𝕿 - 𝕿𝖔𝖞

He actually has a few for when he’s feeling lazy. He used to run through fleshlights like they were tictacs but he’s since finally found one that he won’t break.

He got most of them for free because he worked in a sex shop during college- he was very popular.

𝖀 - 𝖀𝖓𝖋𝖆𝖎𝖗

Yes. He will 100% rile you up with touches that seem innocent enough in nature, but are a tad bit too low, or linger on for a bit too long.

Will also give you “the look” in public and pretend he doesn’t know what you’re talking about- he definitely does.

𝖁 - 𝖁𝖔𝖑𝖚𝖒𝖊

Vocal in bed, especially with praise. Will constantly tell you how good you’re doing or how good you feel. Doesn’t moan a lot, but they slip out from time to time. Instead it’s a lot of deep breaths, groans, and curses.

𝖂 - 𝖂𝖎𝖑𝖉𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖉

If mortuary school hadn’t have worked out, he and Makki were going to start their own porn company. They actually have a very solid business plan. They made a pact to sit on it for now, since Issei is working at the funeral home.

𝖃 - 𝖃-𝕽𝖆𝖞

LMFAOOOOO

Literally a foot long. Longer actually. I’m going to honestly say 13. No I won’t take it back. Perfect thickness too. Honestly it’s like… god really took his time and got it fucking right. Everything about his physique is perfect- it would only make sense his cock is that perfect to match. Color is even all around, the head is bubblegum pink. There’s also one very prominent vein on the underside, and a few tinier trails of veins on the top. The statue of David? Don’t know her. Only know the statue of Issei.

𝖄 - 𝖄𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌

High sex drive, but he can keep it subdued if he has to. Especially because he knows he’s too much for most people. He's not shy about it though. Is CONSTANTLY horny on main. Not that you mind.

𝖅 - 𝖅𝖟𝖟

Service Dom through and through. He won’t sleep until you do, and even if he’s dead tired, he won’t sleep at all if you’re staying awake. He’s going to do everything to take care of you and your needs first. When you do sleep he likes to hold your head to his chest and will press his nose down into your hair so he can fall asleep surrounded by your scent.

Taglist Starseeds (check ur privacy settings if your url is in bold): @honey-makki @crushzone @yumekosgamblingroom @boujiesav @onesingleravioli @ushijimasfarmhat @trouvelle @nekoma-hoe @right-shoe-jpg @atsumusc0ck @ukaic @nivky0-0 @animoozies @charmarsmith

[all-ringils-blazing]

50 Things You’ve Never Been Asked

Tagged by @theslumberofthebeast

Aufhwufhbeyfwgrhtefb thanks again friendo 🙏💕 !!!! Wow that’s a long long tag thingy there hmmm....

What is the colour of your hairbrush? Black-purple

Name a food that you never eat. I’ll go with sushi too, generally not a fan of Asian cuisine

Are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Washing the dishes

What is your favourite candy bar? Bounty❤ Wish I had one right now yuuuuuum💦

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? No and I don’t intend to  lol

What is the last thing you said out loud? "Come and clean the coffee machine you used, you filthy idiot” to my brother❤

What is your favourite ice cream? Vanilla

What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee

Do you like your wallet? I would if that bitch had more money inside 

What was the last thing you ate? Lentil soup which is a traditional dish here and most people hate but I unbelievably love. Maybe my mom is just a great cook👌 

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Yeah ordered some t-shirts to wear... absolutely nowhere #quarantine_till_we_die 

The last sporting event you watched? I don’t watch sports

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? The classic butter and salt

Who is the last person you sent a message to? My beloved friend

Ever been camping? No but I’d like to! (says the idiot that shits herself when even a little insect flies past her ok)

Do you take vitamins? LOOK... I should take ferrum but I’m an idiot who doesn’t take care of her health

Do you go to church every Sunday? Not every Sunday but I may go on random days of the week if I feel like it, to light a candle and talk to God. I prefer it tbh Sundays are always crowded 

Do you have a tan? No I never get a tan my loser pale skin only gets burns

Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? Pizza, as I said I don’t like Asian cuisine

Do you drink your soda with a straw? I don’t drink soft drinks

What colour socks do you usually wear? Black, white, gray, deep blue

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? I don’t drive yet but I’m gonna be a very careful driver in my life cause driving already scares the shit out of me oooof

What terrifies you? Insects and heights mostly

Look to your left, what do you see? My mobile phone

What chore do you hate most? Emptying the washing machine and generally putting the dishes back where they belong ugh boriiing we are gonna use them again and wash them again as well why doing that lol 

What do you think of when you hear Australian accent? Oh I didn’t even know they have an accent sorry 

What’s your favourite soda? I don’t like soft drinks

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive? I’m not gonna move my body to eat something unhealthy dude I just order

What is your favourite number? 1?

Who’s the last person you talked to? My brother

Favourite cut of beef? Rib

Last song you listened to? Endure the Silence by Myrath

Last book you read? Cover to cover? I finished Blood of Elves and now I’m reading Time of Contempt, both by Andrzej Sapkowski

Favourite day of the week? Friday

Can you say the alphabet backwards? Hell it will take me like an hour lol

How do you like your coffee? Black cold espresso in general but when I have a throat ache I choose anything of a hot black coffee

Favourite pair of shoes? My white sneakers

The time you normally get up? 9:00

What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? Sunrise but I rarely see it lol

How many blankets on your bed? One but I wake up with it on the floor lol it’s already getting too warm here

Describe your kitchen plates. White with some blue and yellow flowers on them. If I remember well. Don’t make me go and check.

Describe your kitchen at the moment?  Shiny, smelling good, I just cleaned it

Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? Wine and beer, depends on the mood, I mostly have wine

Do you play cards? Aaaaaah yep if I have company. In my very first university years I was always carrying a pack of cards in my bag for our breaks lol like a damn gambler

What colour is your car? I don’t have a car but my first is gonna be white I want a white car !!!

Can you change a tire? I have never tried mate I may can who knows

Your favourite state? I’m not American I don’t really know the states lol but I always wanted to go to New Orleans which is in Louisiana that is a state right?

Favourite job you’ve had? I’m a student but I have done one or two minor jobs. I don’t know which was my fav, I guess that time I was a lawyer’s secretary for 2 days. I wasn’t bad the lawyer is a family friend and just needed me only for 2 days lol did my best😭

How did you get your biggest scar? I tore my eyebrow when I was 5? I fell from a tree? I dont really know my mom had told me the story I remember nothing but it’s still kinda visible, there is a small blank space on my eyebrow lol

MY TAGS TIME:  @ace-bi-says-hi @the-white-frost @fresno-nightcrawler @silent-calling @pinkpolygons @huffleppuffs @the-music-dork @awkwardalbatros @punk-courtesan @al-capwned @emperor-draygon @emptyskulls @underworld-priest @mochibat @wholelottatiffy @arnoediad

That was a long tag game so I totally understand if you are bored to do it guys but it’s fun. Stay healthy, love you❤

[vldaera]

task .002—

with special thanks for, and featuring, @vldareum​—

JEON AERA ✉ ⇢ manager yes ys i kniw JEON AERA ✉ ⇢ manager ill addition 4 fanny pack outing later :P JEON AERA ✉ ⇢ manager i’m bussy rite now tho ;)  it’ areum time MANAGER ✉ ⇢ jeon aera Busy doing what?! What’s Areum time?! JEON AERA ✉ ⇢ manager s MANAGER ✉ ⇢ jeon aera Aera TT MANAGER ✉ ⇢ jeon aera Aera, why did you send a winky face? Is Areum okay? MANAGER ✉ ⇢ jeon aera Aera please I do not have time for this you are so aggravating JEON AERA ✉ ⇢ manager ;) ;) ;_   MANAGER ✉ ⇢ jeon aera Aera!!

Aera’s not so mean that she leaves their manager on delivered when she knows she’s probably gonna bust a nerve; no, she chooses to leave her on open, instead, so she knows she’s at least alive. Because for tonight, she has planning to do.

Phase One of Operation: Surprise the Socks Off Areum is long since over and was a huge success. Phase One is the simplest part: text Areum to come over tonight for another Star Wars marathon. They never got to the sequels.

Phase Two is the thick of it: cook a fancy dinner fit for a princess, hire a masseuse to pamper both of them in— ahem— Aera’s brand new(!) apartment, turn on absolutely any movie of Areum’s choice, give each other mani/pedis, and then end the night with giving her sister a woven bracelet that Aera personally made for Areum herself.

Phase Three: catalogue every second of it on her phone and watch the look on her sister’s face.

Ha. And Areum thinks it’s just going to be Star Wars.

It’s a bit of a thank you, in a way, for her sister to know that Aera really appreciates her, and also to let her know that Aera’s doing just fine, thank you very much, living alone. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but besides Areum, Naeun comes over! And Saeun! And Hamin! And... that’s pretty much it...

Clowns! One time Aera hired a clown to come and entertain her while she cried on the sofa over a stupid romantic comedy. It was sorta funny to watch how obviously uncomfortable the clown was ‘cause she paid him double to leave a kid’s party early to keep her company. He wasn’t expecting one of the members of one of the nation’s top girl groups to be sprawled out on the floor with a bottle of wine, she doesn’t think, but whatever. As you can see, she’s having the time of her life.

“Okay, let’s do this.”

Step One of Phase Two (that’s right, she’s that organized) is to go figure out what to eat. After their excursion to Tokyo, she’s thinking some miso broth ramen and spicy tuna rolls, so she makes a quick stop by the market to go pick up some seaweed and fish. She has a plan and everything; she’s gonna cut up some seaweed to say “I Love You, Areum!” and stick it in the broth like alphabet soup. It’s gonna be so cute—

Hey, what’s that? Bunnies for adoption??!! Ohmigod no way!!!

Aera hasn’t ever whipped a car into a parking lot so fast. Ten minutes and 40,000 KRW later, she drives home with a bag full of seaweed and fish and the newest addition to the family, John Brad Crumb. She’s pulling away when she realizes 1) she made a HUGE typo on the iPad, 2) both “John Brad Crumb Jeon” and “Jeon John Brad Crumb” are stupid names, and 3), though it came with the intention of paying homage to her fans, with Aera’s Earthshine nickname being John Area, she’s effectively just named a rabbit after herself.

But hey, the adoption certificate says John Brad Crumb, so that’s what he is.

She pulls into her apartment and the elevator dings to the top floor. It’s only recently that she managed to unpack, so she unloads all the groceries into the fridge and puts the rice in the cooker, then gets to work dedicating a sizable corner of her living room for John Brad Crumb. One could call it John’s area.

One thing to note about Aera is that what can go wrong, will go wrong, but it’ll go wrong with a flourish and probably fireworks, too. The cage is actually pretty well set up, and she wants to do this cute thing where she gives Areum her bracelet by wrapping it around John Brad Crumb’s neck like a collar, and she’s in the middle of doing so when she smells something. Umm... what’s burning?

She rushes to the kitchen and smacks her head when she realizes that she forgot to put water in the rice. Now what?

Aera stands there for at least a full solid minute watching the rice as she wonders what her reaction should be. She wonders if it’ll catch fire.

Um, duh.

Fortunately, she keeps a Brita filter in the fridge, and so she begins pouring water on the flames. Really she lucked out, because she manages to put the fire out without the help of the fire department, but her rice cooker is, like, totaled. That’s fine! She’s adaptive. Instead, she decides to cook it manually. She definitely won’t forget the water this time, she thinks smugly as she fills the water almost to the top of the pot. After adding the rice, she returns to the living room...

...only to find that John Brad Crumb has all but gnawed the bracelet to pieces.

“John Brad Crumb-ah! Are you serious?! You are so unaware.”

She lifts the bunny and picks the dangling threads from his mouth, pouting as she witnesses the shreds of what she made with such love and care. Luckily for Aera (and also for John Brad Crumb, whom she’ll forgive eventually because he already means the world to her), it seems to be salvageable? Maybe?

John Brad Crumb fits in the front pocket of her hoodie, so she puts him and some rabbit food in there and returns to the kitchen where the rice has, obviously, boiled over. Cursing, Aera cleans up the mess and tastes the rice that was saved. Well... it’s not bad.

Putting the ramen to a boil, she checks the clock and sees that she’s got a little over an hour before Areum’s supposed to arrive. She fortunately had the hindsight to buy pre-made tare and simmer the broth this morning, so it’s not like she has to simmer things for three hours. but it’s still kinda crunch time.

You know what she just realized? She totally forgot to buy one of those bamboo rolling mats. Printer paper should work... right?

“Let’s do this, John Brad Crumb-ah. For Areummie!”

HHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHH MY GOD ROLLING SUSHI IS SO HARD is what she’d say if there was anyone around to hear her, but there’s not. It’s written clearly across her face, though. The rice is too mushy and also the printer paper keeps falling apart, so it’s kinda... papery rice? Wrapped in nori? Yuck.

It’s kind of a disaster, so she decides that it doesn’t have to be pretty and abandons the paper in favor of trying to hand roll the sushi, which naturally doesn’t work as the sushi falls apart. The result is, like, this weird sushi salad thing that honestly works in the same way that a poke bowl does. Whatever; it’ll have to do. Twenty minutes till Areum gets here.

Turning around, she spoons some noodles into a pot and tastes the broth that she made. Okay, what...? That’s actually super good. Pleased with herself, she dumps in the sauce. But again, this is Aera, and what goes wrong is that, facepalming, she realizes that what she thought was chicken sauce was actually chocolate sauce... ugh...

The whole thing has to be tossed now, so Aera does so quickly and checks the clock. Ten minutes till Areum gets here.

In a last-ditch effort, she throws some instant ramen on the stove and bounds into the kitchen to comb out and rebraid Areum’s bracelet, when her phone pings.

SEOUL THERAPEUTICS ✉ ⇢ jeon aera Jeon Aera-ssi, this is Kim Daeho, owner/operator of Seoul Therapeutics. I am texting to inform you that your masseuse has fallen ill and will be unable to arrive tonight—

(Somewhere, on the other side of town, Kim Daeho, owner/operator of Seoul Therapeutics, feels a chill run down his spine.)

—and, as all other masseurs are booked, I have issued a refund to your account. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Well, she tried. She really did. Sorry, Areum, she really wanted to throw you a big thank-you dinner, but turns out Aera’s actually going into hermitage instead. Would you like to come visit her cave? Oh, please do make yourself at home, don’t mind those scorpions crawling on her bed made out of twigs and sadness...

She stands in the kitchen, contemplating the best mountain beneath which to move all her things, before deciding that she just moved and it would be too much of an inconvenience. The weird chocolate ramen is in the trash. That salad thing is on the counter. The movies aren’t rented, the nail polish isn’t bought, and the bracelet is wearable, but ugly. The instant ramen is literally what they ate everyday for years, and also the weight of John Brad Crumb on her hoodie is starting to hurt her neck. One minute until Areum—

Ding dong!

“Gah! John Brad Crumb-ah, we can’t let her see us like this!”

With a certain kind of determination that only Jeon Aera possesses, she decides to make her grand escape. But the reason it’s Jeon Aera name-brand determination is because it wouldn’t be Aera’s if it wasn’t tinted with just a little bit of recklessness, ‘cause in her attempt to escape the embarrassment, she tries to escape out the front door, where Areum is standing.

“Areummie!”

Her face flushes bright red and she wonders what Areum thinks of the sight before her: Aera, in a hoodie, with a rabbit in her pocket and a ratty bracelet in her hand, covered in chocolate stains and mushy rice and her hair falling out of her bun.

It’s then that she realizes that she probably does know what Areum’s thinking, and that’s why she loves her twin so much in the first place. There’s no one else she’d rather go on this adventure with. No one else would so easily deal with her. Of course her sister wouldn’t judge her for the disaster that was Aera’s poorly planned surprise. Just seeing Areum makes the embarrassment wash away, and Aera gives her a smile. Thanks for being there for me. Thanks for smiling when I’m ditzy instead of rolling your eyes. Thanks for supporting me through thick and thin. Thanks for being the best sister a girl could ask for.

“Thanks for coming, Areummie. Let’s order in some takeout. I’ve got the craziest story to tell you.”

[jooheonies]

Chalkboards And Kisses |2|

Character(s): Reader X Shownu

Genre: fluff

Warning(s): uhh theres side!kihyuk if thats a warning, and this is also just a nonsense drabble like there’s absolutely no plot i wrote it at 3 am so i barely remember what happened

Length: 2.5k

Summary: In which you break a few bones and Hyunwoo is there to take care of you.

You love your job.

You really do.

It’s great, working with kids, watching them grow from bumbling legs that can’t recite the alphabet to bumbling legs that can spell their names with no help.

It’s great.

What makes it a little less great is when a boy by the name of Lee Jooheon gets a little to excitable, a little too enthusiastic on the monkey bars. He swings his legs back and forth a bit, shifting his weight to swing himself up. Unfortunately, his chubby fingers slip on the sweaty metal and send him flying three feet into the air, crashing straight into your body.

Lee Jooheon ends up sitting on your torso, perfectly unscathed.

You, on the other hand, wind up with a sprained ankle and four broken fingers.

/

“I’m sorry!” Jooheon cries, his lower lip wobbling, little tears brimming at the corners of his eyes. “I didn’t mean for that to happen!”

You smile at him, a little resigned and tired. “It’s alright, sweetie. Maybe we should exercise our safety rules next time, huh?” Your legs rest on the bench in the nurse’s office as she binds your fingers together, wrapping bandages over the twitching digits.

He bounces a little on his toes and pouts, wringing his hands. “My mom said that if you make people hurt, it’ll come back to get you. Does this mean I’m going to get hurt, too?”

You wince a bit as the nurse wraps a bandage over your ankle, folding a pack of ice into the cloth. “No, Jooheon. It was an accident and luckily nothing too bad happ–”

You’re interrupted by three sets of flailing limbs bursting through the nurse's door, muffled grunts of pain as Minhyuk presses a hand against Kihyun’s face and Hyungwon steps on their feet.

“Heard you got hurt?”

“Are you alright?”

“Did you try to go down the slide again?”

“God, will you please grow up, you’re too big for that?”

Your brows furrow and you press your hand to your ears in frustration. “Would you all please shut up?”

Their mouth snap shut with an almost audible clack.

“It’s not a big deal–”

“Oh, please!” Hyungwon exclaims. “How is it not a big deal? You’re broken!”

A muffled wail comes from the space next to you, and when you turn around, Jooheon’s face is buried in his palms as he sobs.

You don’t get paid enough for this.

The principal approves two weeks off from work, because the ability to use a pencil is kind of important when you’re a kindergarten teacher.

Minhyuk and Kihyun insist on driving you home, a situation you do your best to get out of, but when Hyungwon proposes driving you home and staying over for two weeks to help you out, it definitely becomes the better option.

/

“So,” Minhyuk drawls as he brings the soda cup up to his lips, sucking noisily through the straw, “how’s lover boy?”

Your fingers come up to pinch the bridge of your nose in exasperation. “His name is Hyunwoo. We’ve been dating for five months, Minhyuk. You know his name.”

“Right. So like I was saying, how’s it going with lover boy?”

Kihyun groans from the kitchen and strides out in a pink apron, knife in one hand. “Stop prying, Lee Minhyuk.”

“No. Go away, ugly.”

Kihyun returns to the kitchen with an exaggerated sigh, his cheeks a little red.

That’s new. Kihyun usually argues with Minhyuk for a good ten minutes.

Minhyuk turns to you, ears red as he chews on his lower lip. “Hey,” he whispers, “can I ask you something?”

Your eyes narrow in suspicion. “What.”

“Okay so this weird but Khyun and I may or may not have gotten drunk two nights ago and we may or may not have made out and he may or may not look really cute in that apron. So I may or may not want a repeat of that night sometime soon. On a regular basis. With other things.” Minhyuk wrings his fingers as he talks, on foot on the floor as he props the other up on your sofa.

You blink. “You like him?”

“Or may not.”

This is new.

Your mouth opens, but before you can say anything, Kihyun comes back into the room, this time holding a pot of soup in his hands.

“Eat, my spawn.”

“And so the ugly returns,” Minhyuk drawls from where he’s splayed across your sofa.

Kihyun sniffs and turns to Minhyuk with a grimace. “I hope you choke on a carrot.”

/

“I still can’t believe a five year old is the reason you have broken fingers,” Hyunwoo sighs over the phone, the faint revving of his motorcycle drowning out some of his words.

“Look,” you snap, hobbling out of the kitchen, a glass of water in one hand, “I couldn’t help it! Jooheon was–”

“He cried about it today when he came over,” Hyunwoo laughs. “He said he broke his favorite teacher.”

You laugh a little, wincing when your fingers slip on the glass. “He’s cute.”

“I know he is,” Hyunwoo murmurs as the sound of his motorcycle dims to a faint hum before it completely cuts. “He was really worried, but then Changkyun took out his legos and he stopped crying.”

Before you can answer him, the lock from your front door clicks and the knob turns. Hyunwoo saunters in, helmet tucked under one arm, a tote bag in his other hand.

“Hey, babe,” he grins as he tucks his phone into his jeans. Hyunwoo’s arms come into view as he shrugs his jacket off, a tight white shirt clinging to his chest. Your mouth grows dry.

“H–hey,” you answer, somewhat distantly as you stare at his arms. Hyunwoo is so nice to look at.

“My mom made you food and packed five blankets and sent over all the movies we have and also pain medicine.”

Hyunwoo walks closer to drop the bag down on your coffee table pulling out each blanket to lay it over your frame.

“Hyunwoo, I don’t need this many blankets,” you try, the sound muffled as he continues layering the blankets over your body.

“No. Trust me. My mom is great. She knows what she’s doing,” he answers, pulling out container after container of food.

“How did you get all of that to fit in there?” You ask, eyes wide in wonder.

“I dunno,” he shrugs. “My mom packed it. She’s like, a genius.” Hyunwoo looks up and smiles at you. “I love my mom.”

He pulls out a container of rice bigger than your head.

“My mom said this’ll last you for at least the day.”

“That’ll last me a week.”

“You gotta eat it all today. This is why you get hurt so easy. Nobody should break bones over a five year old landing on them.”

“Hyunwoo–”

“Hey, honey,” Hyunwoo says, brows furrowed as he reads the back of a pink cough syrup bottle. “Okay so I have baby medicine here. I know you’re small but . . . would this work on you?”

A heavy sigh escapes your lips. “No, baby. God, don’t you get sick?”

Hyunwoo looks up at you, expressionless. “No. My mom takes good care of me.”

“Shut the fuck u–”

“Have you not cleaned?” He interrupts, looking around the room. “Why are there so many crumbs on the floor?”

“Minhyuk and Kihyun came over and they both threw cookies at each other.”

You cross your arms over your chest and lean back into the soft leather of your couch.

Hyunwoo rolls his eyes and sighs under his breath. “When are they going to admit their feelings for each other?”

“Wait–what?” You stutter, voice painted with disbelief and shock. “You knew?”

Hyunwoo looks back up at you with an incredulous expression. “Of course I knew. Everybody knows. Except you. You’re really oblivious sometimes, babe.”

“My whole life has been a lie.”

/

Hyunwoo, as it turns out, is actually really good at taking care of you. He makes sure you take your medicine every five hours, brings you all your meals, and cleans your house.

You conclude that Hyunwoo is perfect. You’ve known this for a while.

Minhyuk and Kihyun come by again the next day, this time with Hyungwon in tow.

“I come bearing gifts,” Hyungwon announces as he walks into the room, dropping a bag of McDonald's down at the foot of your bed.

“A gift that cost you three dollars,” snorts Kihyun, one hand on his hip. You don’t miss the way his other hand is wrapped around Minhyuk’s, fingers intertwining.

“Three dollars plus tax!” Hyungwon exclaims, voice stretched with mock hurt, as he lays a hand over his chest.

Hyunwoo shifts on the bed next to you, the covers pulled all the way up to his chin. “Babe, how did they get in here? It’s six in the morning.”

“‘Sup, lover boy. We all know the passcode to get in. We just wanted to make sure she was doing alright.”

One day Lee Minhyuk will stop being an annoying brat.

Today, unfortunately, is clearly not going to be one of those days.

“Are you two . . . decent under there?” Minhyuk asks, a glint of amusement in his eyes. “Did lover boy enjoy his time here?”

Hyunwoo rolls his eyes and throws off the covers, clad in only a pair of sweatpants.

“Oh my,” Hyungwon says, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth. “Scandalous.”

“Wow, ya’ll are really fuckin’ when she’s broken?” Kihyun mutters, his voice dubious. “Looks like we didn’t even need to show up.”

“Oh my god, Kihyun,” you cry, face beet red, “I was just–”

“She likes it when I sleep without a shirt,” Hyunwoo interrupts, shrugging. He doesn’t seem to realize that just makes you even more embarrassed. “I like it, too. I’m gonna go make breakfast now.”

And with that, he walks out of the room, whistling low under his breath.

Three pairs of eyes whip back to you, watching as you stretch your arms above your head, the blankets pooling around your waist.

Minhyuk is the first one to break the silence. “Is that–is that his shirt?”

Your ears burn, tugging your lower lip between your teeth. “. . . it smells like him.”

“This is disgusting,” Hyungwon announces, legs crossed almost daintily from where he’s perched in your armchair.

“Why did you guys just barge in here?”

“Well we didn’t expect you’d have your half-naked boyfriend in your bed,” Kihyun says, eyes rolling.

Your eyes narrow, lips pursing. “So, Kihyun, has your arm glued itself to Minhyuk’s waist?”

He snatches his hand away from Minhyuk’s waist so quickly he nearly smacks himself in the face.

“He’s short,” Minhyuk says, a smirk gracing his lips. “He’s just trying to hold onto someone tall enough so he doesn’t get lost.”

“I’m not that short!”

“You’re really short.”

“No!”

“Yeah.”

“. . . okay, yeah I’m kind of short. I know I’m short.” Kihyun bites his lip, stifling the smile that threatens to split his face in half.

“God, is this how you two flirt now?” Hyungwon interrupts, disgust clear on his face.

“Shut up and call me when you finally grow a pair and ask out Bona,” Kihyun snaps.

“Shut up, shrimp,” Hyungwon bites back, lips curled over his teeth.

Minhyuk’s eyebrows snap together in a near audible click. “Don’t call him a shrimp!”

“You just called him short!” Hyungwon exclaims, gesticulating wildly with his hands.

“Only I can call him short. Not you.”

“Wait guys,” you mumble, the words coming out of your mouth slowly, dripping with confusion. “Bona? Like the music teacher? Hyungwon likes the music teacher?”

Minhyuk looks at you, nose wrinkled. “Yeah. Everybody knows.”

“Seriously?”

A low voice wafts by from the door, laced with amusement. “Babe. Everybody knows.”

When you turn your head, you find Hyunwoo leaning against the doorframe, a lazy smirk painted across his face, hands crossed over his chest. Even though you’d like to be annoyed that nobody told you, Hyunwoo’s bare chest and the sweatpants slung low on his hips have you forgetting the irritated words on the tip of your tongue.

“God, is she drooling?” Hyungwon murmurs, voice reeking of distaste.

“Get out.”

/

Breakfast is pancakes and coffee with Hyunwoo, admiring the way his back muscles move as he washes the dishes, cooing when he lifts you up in his arms and drops you onto the sofa.

“Sit. Stay.”

He moves around your living room, cleaning and wiping down the furniture, mumbling something about messy friends under his breath, a slight furrow in his brows.

It’s adorable, really, watching him put so much effort into trivial things, but Hyunwoo has always been like that. Always put his everything into whatever he does, be it school or even cleaning your house. His shoulders roll back as he sighs, fingers scratching over his bare chest as he looks around the room, grimacing at the carpet.

“Why do they always throw cookies at each other when they come here?”

You shrug, lips pursing into a pout. “Dunno. But this time when Kihyun threw the cookie too hard and it hit Minhyuk’s eye, he kissed it better.”

Hyunwoo’s face breaks into a smile, a low giggle slipping past his lips. “It’s cute that they finally got together.”

“If by cute you mean disgusting.”

He pulls the vacuum out from the closet and plugs it in, lips puckered as he vacuums. Hyunwoo looks damn good like this, you realize, shirtless, sweatpants hanging low, a trail of hair passing down his bellybutton. You bite down on your lower lip, head tilting to the side as he swivels the vacuum closer to the couch.

“Babe,” he says, jutting his chin to the side. “Move.”

Your arms automatically raise in the air, smiling at Hyunwoo. He sighs and steps forward, turning around as you wrap your hands over his shoulders, palms digging into thick biceps. Your legs curl over his waist, giggling as he hoists you up onto his back.

The muscles tense under your palms as he shifts, pulling the vacuum closer with one hand, the other pushing the couch up into the air. His fingers wrap loosely around the arm of the couch, muscles stiff as he vacuums underneath and you revel in the way Hyunwoo makes you feel so utterly safe.

“Babe,” he hums, as pushes the couch up higher, voice barely audible over the loud whirring, “Hyungwon mentioned he was going to bring take out but I don’t know when he’s comin–”

The front door chimes, lock clicking as it pushes open, interrupting Hyunwoo mid sentence.

Hyungwon saunters in, two plastic bags in his hands, and freezes at your doorstep. His face twists into a grimace, lip curling as he takes in Hyunwoo’s shirtless frame, your body draped over his back, the couch pushed up into the air with one hand, and the vacuum still noisily whirring.

“Disgusting,” he scoffs before turning on his heel and walking right back out the door.

/

“So,” Minhyuk drawls, munching noisily on a fry he pulls off of your plate, “Hyungwon tells me you and lover boy got real nice and cozy last week.”

Hyungwon scowls, eyebrows furrowed. “God, don’t remind me. She really does like it when he’s shirtless. I was appalled when I walked into the room and saw her hanging off his back . . . like some fucking growth.”

“She was hanging on his back?” Kihyun asks, eyebrows raised as he turns to Minhyuk. “Why don’t you ever carry me on your back.”

“Because,” Minhyuk replies, shoving three fries into his mouth, “you’re ugly and I don’t .”

“Yeah? Well you have a small dick and it’s not getting anywhere near my ass tonight.”

Minhyuk’s eyes fly open, hands raising up in defense. “Whoa there, baby, let’s not get carried away.”

Hyungwon rolls his eyes as he takes a sip of his water. “You guys are so–”

“Shut up,” Kihyun snaps, his upper lip ticking at the corner. “You haven’t even asked out Bona.”

“Fuck off, shrimp.”

“I told you to stop calling him shrimp! Only I can do that!”

A groan escapes your lips as you bring your fingertips up to massage your temples.

You love your job, you really do, but also you hate your job.

A/N: sorry ive been so inactive w writing but liek,,,i cant think of any plots for some reason dfhkdjhf this is Rough but i cant bring myself to edit rn im sorry

Masterlist

[eldritchsurveys]

877.

5k Survey V

201. Put these creatures in order from what you would least like to be reincarnated as, to what you would most like to be reincarnated as assuming reincarnation ended up existing AND you were given a choice. Female human, male human, dolphin, house dog, caterpillar, manta ray, wild dog, vulture, oak tree, rock. >> No. I only know what it’s like to be a human, so of course I have no way of telling what other creature I would most want to be. I wouldn’t even have the same level of consciousness, so how would I even... know that’s what I was... this question is too many levels of “???” for me, I’m moving on. 202. What do you feel unworthy of? >> I feel unworthy of a lot of things. I’m not going to delve into that here, right now, thanks. 203. Would you rather be remembered for having done something for humanity or being a really nice person? >> I don’t care, dude. 204. Which do you value more: science or intuition? >> Why... would I value one over the other... this isn’t even a dichotomy, ugh. 205. Your best friend and your significant other are in the hospital at the same time with the same ailment. Who do you visit first? >> Oh, man, I’d wondered how long it would take for this survey to get to the kinds of questions that make me want to tear my hair out.

206. Does the universe revolve around human beings? >> It legitimately baffles me to think that some people could answer “yes” to this and not think that was weird. I am rabidly curious to know what leads someone to believe that. 207. If you are no longer a virgin, do you wish you still were? >> I literally do not care. 208. Who is your favorite poet of those who are alive right now? >> I don’t have one. 209. What is your favorite song from the 90’s? >> I like a lot of songs that were released in the nineties... 210. If you were in alphabet soup what letter would you be? >> I wouldn’t be a letter. Because I’m a person, you see. 211. Do you believe in fairies, ghosts, aliens, angels, dwarves, elves, etc.? >> Out of this list, I think my favourite stories are those about faeries and those about aliens. There have been some interesting angel ones too, and I definitely enjoy a good Tolkien-style fantasy (particularly of the video game variety). Aside from that, I know a few people who might describe themselves using some of these words, and I am willing to also think of them in those terms. 212. What makes you want to be someone’s friend? >> I don’t know, I rarely think about it. Mostly because I’m not sure how friendship even works. 213. Do you troll around the Internet harassing people anonymously for fun? >> No, that doesn’t interest me. 214. Have you ever seen the movie A Man Who Fell to Earth? >> Oh, I love that movie. Bowie is so young and tempestuous and otherworldly (I mean, obviously, huh) in it! 215. What is your favorite line from a movie? >> I don’t know. 216. What’s your favorite video game? >> I don’t have one, I play a lot of video games. 217. Have you ever taken something that wasn’t yours? >> I used to shoplift, so, yes. Also, one time I stole a Watchmen comic from someone’s house. *shrug* Don’t ask, all I have is the memory of the event, not any of the emotion or reasoning behind it. 218. What is one phrase people say that irritates you? >> Just one??? --Actually, I can’t think of any off the top of my head, I just know that there are plenty. 219. You allow strangers to read your diary, but would you let your parents read it? >> --- 220. Hot steamy bubble bath or quick in and out shower? >> Quick in and out shower. 221. Are you allergic to anything? >> No. 222. What is your favorite Terminator movie? >> I haven’t seen any of them. 223. What is your favorite fast food? >> --- 224. What would someone have to do to get you to never speak to him or her again? >> I don’t know. 225. Would (or have) you ever whip someone or be whipped by someone in bed? >> I’m pretty sure I’ve done it before (my memory is flaky on it but I know I’ve been to a lot of kink events and I’ve held a lot of floggers, so at some point one thing had to lead to the other), and I certainly wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to do it again. 226. Have you ever said ‘I hate everyone’ and really meant it literally? >> Of course not. (I mean, I’ve said it. Of course I didn’t mean it.) 227. Why do some people want to get more money than they could ever spend? >> Because their society has taught them from a very early age to value money and the acquisition of wealth as the highest of all virtues, and that their self-worth is directly tied into how much capital they can control and how many people they can subjugate in the service of money. 228. Have you ever won a carnival fish? >> No. 229. Did it live more than a week? >> --- 230. What’s the best sounding accent a person can have? >> --- 231. What’s the most boring thing you’ve ever read? >> I’ve read a lot of boring things... 232. Do you prefer buttons or touch screens? >> Touchscreens have been a part of my life for long enough that I’m largely used to them, but when it comes to doing anything involving the intensive use of a keyboard, I will always prefer physical buttons (and a full computer keyboard most of all). 233. Do you think there is a lot of similarity between the Harry Potter books and the Lord of the Rings series? >> A lot? Not really. They’re both fantasy series, and of course they share a few common fantasy and “Hero’s Journey” type tropes. But to me, that’s where the similarities end. 234. Would you consider yourself to be naive? >> Not particularly. 235. Which of your friends is most likely to go to jail? >> --- 236. What is the smallest amount of money that could be in a public toilet that would make you reach in and grab it? >> I would not do that. Ever. The very suggestion makes my insides shrivel and my skin itch. 237. Would you ever wear real fur? >> Probably not. I’m just not terribly interested in fur clothing, and the only reason I could see to wear it is if I lived in the Arctic or somewhere like that. 238. Arachnophobia or Eight Legged Freaks? >> I’ve not seen either one of those. They sound like very similar movies, though... 239. What are your feelings about police officers? >> My feelings are largely negative. 240. what is your favorite line from a song? >> --- 241. Is fifty dollars a lot of money? >> That depends on context. Several layers of context, even. 242. Do you like the band Front 242 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Front_242)? >> I don’t remember what they sound like, it’s been a while since I listened to that kind of industrial. Always reminds me of the Cybertron parties that VF put on. 243. Would you rather have fame, money, or self-satisfaction? >> Having enough money leads to a feeling of stability, which makes the attaining of self-satisfaction more likely. I hear some guy named Maslow made a diagram about this. 244. What’s your middle name? >> Shadow. 245. What is the absolute limit, the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars? >> I wouldn’t do any crazy thing for a million dollars. 246. Are you good, evil or neutral? >> I’m unaligned and unalignable. 247. Should ebonics (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ebonics) be considered a language? >> AAVE is considered a dialect, which is what it is. God, I haven’t seen the word “Ebonics” in years and I was very happy about that... 248. What color is your bedroom? >> The walls are off-white. What color would you like it to be? >> I don’t care, dude, it’s an apartment. I’m not going to be living here for the rest of my life.

249. When are you planning to move to a new home? >> We’re not planning for that right now. 250. If you added up the cost of everything in the room with you, approximately what would it come out to be? >> I don’t fuckin know, man.