#February 10th cannot come soon enough

[tentoodaygiftexchange]

A lot has happened.

RTD’s returned to Doctor Who, and so has David Tennant—a deadly combination that is being hailed as the leading cause of something experts are calling tentoorose delusion.

November 2023 cannot come soon enough, but you know what is coming relatively soon? The month of February!

“What’s so special about February?” you may ask if you’re American.

Well, the 10th of February, or (10/2) is TENTOO DAY! Introducing, the TENTOO DAY GIFT EXCHANGE

A gift exchange stretching across various mediums, exclusively for our favs in Pete’s World💞🥰

More details to come on this very blog!!! Sign up forms will be out soon, follow to stay updated!

[stories-of-the-strange]

Hunger

Story submitted by Alexandra Harvey on February 10th, 1999.

I hunger. Deep within me, I feel it. The urge to indulge my animal self despite my attempts to discipline it.

You cannot help me. Nobody here can. Nobody can no matter who or where they are, no matter what they do. But maybe my suffering is worth something. A sacrifice for the greater good. I will die. I hope it will come soon. I hope that before I die I can try and explain-no not explain, tell you, what happened. What is happening.

Maybe I will be useful before I die. Maybe. I doubt it. But maybe helping someone here solve some sort of mystery, figure out what happened to me, who did this to me and what the hell is wrong with me will make me at least somewhat useful.

I´m sorry if this feels… disjointed. I will try to make it make sense, impossible as it is.

I have not been sleeping well. I have barely been sleeping at all, in fact. Within a few hours at best I will always wake up, deprived of sugar, shaking, disorientated, my head spinning. And my stomach begging me to feed it. No. No not begging. Begging implies that it is weak and I am giving it something out of mercy or pity or compassion. It´s moreso an order that I cannot help but fulfill.

Do you believe me? I wonder if you believe me. I do not think you believe me. Sitting behind your computer, snacking on some salty, fat-laden food while I desperately just want to stop typing and find something, anything to satisfy me.

But I cannot. I will fail. I have not been truly full in almost a week now. At least I think it was a week. So I must type and write my story here. In vain hope someone will believe me, and care enough to actually figure out what happened to me. To stop her from hurting more people.

I live in a small house in Bullhead City. I have no money to pay the bills with anymore, however. I spent all of it on food a while ago. No job anymore either. My house is a barren, lifeless thing. It was not always like that mind you. It used to be a place of life, of fertility and of growth. But then I consumed it all. I did not enjoy it. The life I had spent years cherishing and nurturing, ripped from it´s earthen home by my own hands. Reduced to only fibre and sugar. It did not taste good either. Perhaps it could have if I had bothered to cook it. But it has been a long time since I have had the concentration or patience necessary to prepare a meal.

Have you heard of philodendron? I ate mine. It felt like chewing on tiny, pointed blades. My tongue and throat swelled and sagged inside of me. I deserved it. Maybe I deserved everything that happened to me. Despite it, I kept eating. It was painful, oh so awfully painful, trying to squeeze anything more than air down my throat. But despite vomiting several times, I always managed to force it.

It´s the pills. Little pink pills. I do not know when exactly I started taking them. Time is such an elusive thing. I know how long the last hour took, I think. But if you were to ask me how long an hour took last month, I wouldn´t be able to tell you how long ago that was.

I stopped taking them a while ago. Not because I had regained self-control from my addiction, no of course not. I simply indulged too deeply. I took all of them at once. It felt better than anything can describe.

They aren´t the cause anyhow. They were just… a catalyst, I think. I do not know when the hunger started, but I know it was a time before the pills. I fed the hunger inside me by not feeding myself. I was proud of it. Of the white chain that I had used to bind it, and tame the urge to eat. Now it controls me. Something inside of me hungers.

I got the pills from a blonde woman calling herself Victoria. We met near Sam´s Club. She looked to be in her 50s, judging by the slight wrinkling on her face. But she had the body of a goddess. A body I craved, and she offered to me. To wear as my own. To wear my perfect self, as she put it.

I wonder why we met there. I think I found an ad in a magazine. Whenever I think of her, the word „allure“ springs to my mind. I know she told me I would starve no longer. Or did I read that in the ad? Probably neither. It may have just been an imagining, a hopeful fever dream. What if all of it was? What if Victoria was just some spectre, a phantom of my own making?

How did I find the pills then? I know they were real. I know their taste. They were hard and bitter and they would drain the moisture from my tongue when I took them. I took to swallowing them as quickly as possible. But they were filling. I think the first few managed to make me feel full for days.

I know Victoria is real too. She was unassuming from afar, just a slim woman in an floral-pattern sundress on a hot Arizona day. But I can distinctly remember her being… more, somehow. More than I saw, and could only begin to truly feel the power of. If you or I are real, she certainly is. More real than either of us, actually.

I know she gave me the pills and that I accepted them. But I do not exactly remember why. We didn´t know eachother, so why would I trust her? I didn´t. I probably never trusted her one bit but was just desperate for a way out. Out of a life spent hungry. If I had only known what the word desperation meant back then.

Maybe the ad was on the TV instead? Sometimes there was a blonde host on the news who would say strange things. But things I wanted to hear. That I was doing a good job, only had to last a few more weeks, and where to find more food to do so. And I found that the things she said were always true.

It was her who told me about this website. She told me the people here would help me. I think she lied. In hindsight she probably lied about a great many things too. You will not help me, nobody will. Nobody can. You do not want to. You will read this and scratch your chin and ponder and cross-reference and by the time I am dead and rotting you probably still won´t know half of the full truth.

[jungle321jungle]

Your Words Fill The Space Between Us

The published letters that detail the romance that changed the kingdom.

~~~~

Aka Roman and Janus send each other letters

Taglist: @angels-and-dreams @ollyollyoxinfree @gattonero17 @chumo-cookie @dreaming-always @anxiety-ismy-name @mrbubbajones @janustheliar @why-do-you-care @hogwarts-my-love​

Ao3 - Masterlist

Your Words Fill The Space Between Us

September 18th

J,

I received the gift you sent with your previous letter, and I wanted to ensure I thanked you for it- despite how bold it was. But I suppose that has always been something I liked about you- even if my heart very nearly stopped when Mother asked who the flowers and watch had come from. I was forced to give her the flowers (but I kept the watch for myself) after telling her it came from a businessman I work with (I am blessed that she didn’t ask which of them it was). Though I was disappointed to give up the flowers. I don’t even remember mentioning my favorite flowers and yet you knew anyways. Are you using your power for useless things again? I hope not, you have enough on your plate as it is without worrying about what I like and dislike. But if it truly crosses your mind do know that what I like are your letters and the rare moments we spend together.

But enough about that, more importantly I will be aiding my father this year so I too will get the pleasure of attending the New Year’s Ball. I hope when I arrive you can finally show me the spot you’ve described with the view of the whole city.

R.

~~~~

September 23rd

R,

I am glad my present to you was received well. As to your comment regarding whether or not I was using my power correctly, all I must say is that if it is my power I shall use it as I please. If that happens to be to determine your favorite flowers so be it, my servants are paid accordingly. Also, once I get more power laws change and I get you- so I truly see no downside.

I cannot wait until you get here, I will show you all my favorite spots here to view the scenery and my favorite places in town to shop and eat. We’ll need to think of an excuse for why we spend so much time together though, but we have the time to work out a story.

Speaking of, with this letter I am sending you a book. It’s one I just found by chance and I fell in love with instantly, I’m sure you’ll do the same. Be sure to send me your thoughts when you finish.

J.

~~~~

October 17th

J,

You are utterly horrific. Sending me a book that plays with my emotions like that. I wouldn’t have gotten so invested if I just knew she was going to die like that! Not even from her disease but from an assassin that’s horrible. Just horrible.

I stayed up to finish the last few chapters and now it’s late and I’m crying, but I don’t want the maids to hear. You’re horrible. And to prove it I’m sending you a book.

R.

~~~~

November 2nd

R,

I truly am dastardly aren't I? I laughed a lot at your letter, it was the exact response I was expecting. You never disappoint dearest. As for the book you sent me I unfortunately am yet to open it. I wasn’t planning on sending this letter until completing it, but things have gone bleak in terms of negotiations. I’ve been spending all my time locked in my office taking over my father’s daily work in addition to my own while he tries to calm things with the other delegations. At present I should actually be overlooking some documents, but I feel if I do I will truly lose my mind.

I miss you.

I know that if you were just here sitting beside me I would instantly feel energized.

At least the ball is next month.

J.

~~~~

November 4th

R,

I doubt you have even received my last letter as I write this, but I must tell you to withhold sending other letters. I’m not entirely sure why, but Father is suspicious of something and is having mail checked.

I’ll send word when the coast is clear.

J.

~~~~

December 22nd

R,

My father has found whatever it is he is looking for, so we should be fine now. But that did take longer than I thought. So much has happened in the last few weeks.

Mother’s sudden illness, and sister’s broken engagement, not to mention that the countries on either side of us have declared war and both are begging for us to pick a side. It’s beyond tiring. Father still insists upon holding the ball though, so I’ll see you then. I wonder if this letter will even reach you before you depart for the capital.

I hope I’ll have the time to show you around as I promised.

J.

~~~~

December 27th

J,

I was about to respond to your first letter when the second arrived. You must’ve sent one of your fastest messengers. As for your third and most recent letter I received it just before climbing in the carriage. We are staying in the Barony tonight, which is where I write this letter from. But I will wait to have it sent to you until I reach the capital.

I too hope we can meet up during the festivities, at least for a minute and even better if that minute was spent alone so we can speak freely. But please, remember that you mustn't push yourself too hard.

R.

~~~~

December 31st

R,

There is a small balcony west of the ballroom and past the room where the ladies rest. It’s secluded. We can use our usual signal, I’ll meet you there.

J.

~~~~

January 1st

R,

I cannot describe how amazing it was to simply hug you again. And as I said before it was wonderful to see how your dancing had improved. I’m sorry that our time together was so short, I will send you word as soon as I know when I can slip out of the palace. Maybe, two nights from now I can try? That’s when the commoners set up an array of stalls with games and prizes. Would you like to go?

J.

~~~~

January 2nd

J,

Of course I want to go! We will go and I will beat you at every game! But I don't have any clothes that would help me blend in. Also, how do you intend to disguise yourself?

R.

~~~~

January 3rd

R,

With this letter are clothes for you to wear tonight. I’ll meet you outside the gates by the large willow about an hour after dinner. And as to your question, I will be wearing a blonde wig.

J.

~~~~

January 4th

J,

You cheated. That’s the only way you could have won so many games. I don't care that you said you didn’t, you most certainly did.

R.

~~~~

January 5th

R,

You are free to believe what you like.

For the closing ball tomorrow we can meet at the same spot as the first night. And I have a surprise for you.

J.

~~~~

January 6th

R,

I swear I didn’t know.

I am so sorry. I didn’t know, I saw you crying and run off and I’m sorry that I couldn’t run after you. I’m sorry. Can I come by so we can talk?

J.

~~~~

January 8th

R,

You’re leaving tomorrow right? Please respond so I can see you before you do.

J.

~~~~

January 9th

R,

I understand you’re mad at me, and I won’t even ask you not to be. But I will ask that you at least try understand the position I am in.

And I hope you travel safely home.

J.

~~~~

January 16th

J,

Did you really not know?

R.

~~~~

January 19th

R,

I didn’t. My father sprung it on me, the same way he did to every party guest. He didn’t even tell me which nation he was leading towards in terms of support, much less this.

J.

~~~~

January 22nd

J,

Will you marry her?

R.

~~~~

January 25th

R,

I don’t want her. I want and I love you.

J.

~~~~

January 28th

J,

That’s not what I asked. I asked if you will follow through with the engagement.

R.

~~~~

January 31st

R,

I don’t have a choice. I thought I could spend more time living as the Crown Prince before I could reject the role and leave the crown to my brother. I thought I could do that if my parents ever brought up marriage- but this is more than a marriage. It’s war.

If I don’t marry the Delphine our trade routes are shut off- and since we already cut ties with the empire by my father announcing the engagement. If I reject this for you, I put the whole kingdom at risk. I… I don’t know if I can do that.

J.

~~~~

February 4th

J,

Surely there’s another way! Why can’t she just marry your brother?

R.

~~~~

February 10th

R,

Do you truly think I haven’t looked for one? My hands are tied. The only possible thing I could do to even have you near me is to bring you here as an advisor or the like when the time comes. I can find a way if it’s that.

J.

~~~~

February 14th

J,

No. I will not stand to the side just watch as you dance and hold hands with her for the public’s morale. I would rather die than that.

R.

~~~~

February 19th

R,

Please don’t be so dramatic. I am trying all I can think of in between my hectic schedule. But if you truly don’t like my efforts tell me, do you have any brilliant ideas?

J.

~~~~

February 25th

J,

Don’t mock me, Your Highness. You’re not the one who has had his heart stepped on repeatedly. You’ve been making me promises for years- am I not allowed to be upset when I find out that they’re hollow?

R.

~~~~

March 2nd

R,

You’re unbelievable. Feel free to sulk all you wish, meanwhile I need to continue my regular duties, prepare a wedding, and prepare for war.

J.

~~~~

March 5th

J,

War? I thought our kingdom was just to supply aid.

R.

~~~~

March 8th

R,

I’m getting married to the daughter of a nation who declared war upon the empire. Of course war will come to our borders as well.

J.

~~~~

March 23rd

J,

Father got the invitation to the wedding this morning. I wanted to tear it to shreds. Have you truly thought of nothing yet? Something other than me working for you?

R.

~~~~

March 29th

R,

I’m sorry to say I haven’t. In the months since the ball and start of the war I haven’t gotten anywhere with my Father- and Mother’s decline isn’t helping.

J.

~~~~

April 1st

J,

What? I had heard she was getting better?

R.

~~~~

April 6th

R,

That’s just the rumor I spread to redirect attention. She’s getting worse if anything.

J.

~~~~

April 10th

J,

I am so sorry.

R.

~~~~

August 12th

J,

It’s been a long time since my last letter, I’m not sure how many months. I guess I should follow custom and congratulate you on the wedding even if I am late. You at least looked very nice on your wedding day. You’ve truly perfected that fake smile.

I’m sorry for how I acted when I heard about your engagement. I know you didn’t want this either. And I know it’s late for this, but I’ll come work for you if that’s what it takes. The more I try to pretend that I don’t love you- the harder it gets- and the more it hurts.

R.

~~~~

August 17th

Lord Roman Regis,

Please do not waste my time and deny that you are the author of the letter I just read. I intend to keep this letter brief. I do not wish to know what kind of relationship you have with my husband, but I must request that it ceases. My husband serves as a figure to both nations, and he cannot have anyone dragging him down. Especially not someone of a lower stature.

If you contact him again, there will be consequences.

Crown Princess Delphine Ekans

~~~~

August 22nd

Crown Princess,

Your Highness I apologize for any misunderstandings I may have caused, but please speak to Janus. I’m sure he will explain everything.

Lord Roman Regis

~~~~

August 26th

Lord Roman Regis,

To think a measly count’s son can not only tell me what to do, but he can be bold enough to refer to my husband without a title. I already asked you not to drag my husband down, and by doing so you have disregarded my warning.

Do remember that you have brought this upon yourself Lord Roman.

Crown Princess Delphine Ekans

~~~~

September 5th,

Ro,

You know all those times I told you to just get out there and just love the prince if you actually love him? Well this is not what I meant. I mean like you should speed up that “perfect” plan you two always talked about, not that you should wait so long that he got married. And definitely not so long that his wife outed your “despicable crush on the married crown prince”- however I can say that the papers are currently god tier with gossip. I have been asked for interviews like four times and I love it. Oh and have some faith in me, I didn’t talk to them- for long.

Anyway, lover boy should be able to help you out of this, right?

The better you,

Remus

~~~~

September 10th,

Remus,

Sometimes I hate you, and then when I remember we shared a womb I hate you even more. But even so, I thank you for being the one “calm” person about this. Mother and Father (mainly Mother) have been up in arms about how big of a disgrace I am, and just about every noble in the kingdom is in agreement. It doesn't matter that just about every unmarried woman pines after the Crown Prince even after he got married, because when a man does it- because that Witch known as the Crown Princess publishes my letter- I’m somehow a deviant.

I haven’t left the manor since word got out. And I am just flooded with letters from friends and other nobles, but truthfully I am too scared to read them. Maybe I’ll have a trusted maid read them and pick out the kind ones, but I am not sure.

I have no clue what is going on with Janus at the moment. I am yet to receive anything from him- most likely due to the Crown Princess’ interference. I wish I could know what was happening behind the palace doors... I truly do.

This is why I just wanted to run off to somewhere else, but Janus was confident he could change the laws for us and then we could go live quietly somewhere... I wish things were that simple.

I rather not discuss this anymore truthfully. I'd like to have a normal conversation again. So tell me, do you have any stories to tell of your travels? Reading them would prove far more interesting than anything here.

The best twin,

Roman

~~~~

September 18th,

Remus,

Given I am yet to receive a response from you, so I assume you are on the move once more, but I thought I should send you an update letter before you hear the filtered version from word of mouth.

I am currently being escorted to the palace. I know some will think I am to get some sort of punishment, but Janus sent one of the guards with a verbal message that he is handling this in his own way. I have no choice but to place my trust in him. Mother was still worried about it, Father interestingly seemed to be rooting for me but we didn’t get to talk more about it. But I know I will see Janus soon and that thought comforts me. Even though I know his wife will be close behind.

I’ll keep you updated on what transpires. But I still expect traveling stories. Like honestly, what was the point of you joining the navy if I don't get to read any seafaring adventures? You aren’t fighting in the war so surely there must be pirates or something? Or some stories about sirens and other such creatures? I want to read them all.

And in return you can have me as your wonderful twin.

The twin that matters,

Roman

~~~~

September 21st

Roman,

It almost seems strange to be able to address you by your name in a letter, but I like it all the same. I am very sorry for my silence and for Delphine’s actions. The former was a result of a few things: the first being my traveling to the battle front. I'm sorry I did not tell you prior to leaving, I did not want you to worry, but... I spent some time in battle. I was on my way back when your letter reached the palace and Delphine had taken it before I knew it even existed. Then upon my return I was busy dealing with Mother’s health and my war reports- I had intended to write other excuses here but truthfully I was scared of your reaction. I was scared that you would have just given up on me- on us. I had written and thrown away over 20 letters that I started without finishing before Delphine handed me a paper with a letter I had never seen published on the front page.

We had a long argument, about her not having the right to do such a thing to a “friend” of mine. It took a lot of time to cool things down and convince everyone to allow you to come here. Your father had sent me a letter saying he was worried for your safety, and that was enough to pull them to my side to bring you out of harm's way.

I am sorry I cannot currently go to see you, right now everyone believes I am just trying to clean up a mess that my wife blew way out of proportion and going to you would only start rumors. The knight who will deliver this letter- Virgil- can be trusted. He may huff and roll his eyes, but he does not pry and will not look at the contents of the letters. As he put it, he will only do the bare minimum of his job, and being curious and nosy takes too much energy. So you can send your letters through him. I swear I will figure something out.

In the meantime I hope your quarters are comfortable, let me know if they are not.

Yours,

Janus

~~~~

September 22nd,

Janus,

You are an absolute idiot. You went to war, without telling me? What if something had happened to you? Are you crazy? No of course you are. You’re absolutely insane- and I am so so glad that you are alright.

It has been strange being here in the palace, I don't often leave my room due to the looks servants give as I pass by, but my room is comfortable and Virgil makes good conversation. He certainly doesn’t have the demeanor of most knights which is enjoyable. Reminds me a bit of my twin in a way- but I think both would disagree.

Regardless, I have a request for you even though I know you will disagree. I wish to speak with the Crown Princess. I do not know how much you have told her, so I can keep things sounding one sided if you wish- but I want to speak to her. If you don't give an answer I like, I will simply write to her myself.

Roman

~~~~

September 22nd

Roman,

And you call me crazy. Why would you want to meet with the woman who ruined your life? You wrote in the same letter that even servants are scorning you- I will have Virgil report to me who they are so they can be fired immediately- and yet you wish to speak with her? I will not allow it.

Janus

~~~~

September 24th

Janus,

As you read this the Crown Princess should be receiving her letter as well. I kept it simple, just asking for tea with the promise of an apology. But before I schedule a time to meet with her, I want to know... do you like your wife?

Roman

~~~~

September 25th

Roman,

Delphine showed me the letter and she gave some unkind phrases to go with. I told her not to accept your invitation- but I think she wants to even more now. As to your question, I don’t know what I think of her. I hate what she has done to you, but I do not hate her (entirely) as a person. I admire the fact that she will go to great lengths to help her people, but I certainly do not like her. Or perhaps it’s better to say that I like her in the way one likes a business partner? Appreciating when they get the job done well, and hating when they don't. I am not sure if that answers your question, but I do not know how else to better phrase my thoughts.

Janus

~~~~

September 27th

Janus,

I met the Second Prince yesterday. He came to my room and chided me for not getting enough sunlight and fresh air, before he ordered me to accompany him to the gardens. He seems far too kind to be of royal blood. Oh, while he denies it I definitely say Virgil stealing glances at the Prince. It was quite adorable actually.

I am laughing to myself as I write this and he looks on, it is most amusing. Do tell you brother to visit again.

Roman

~~~~

September 28th

Roman,

Patton is definitely too pure for this palace, if he wasn’t the spitting image of father I would think he was illegitimate. As for him and Virgil... I rather not speculate, no one and I mean no one is good enough for Patton.

In more important news I will be accompanying Delphine to your tea tomorrow. At least for the beginning of it. Seeing you two together with my own eyes is the only way I can be sure someone won't attack the other.

I’ll see you then love.

Janus

~~~~

September 29th

Janus,

Since I am sure you are worried about what I and Crown Princess Delphine spoke of in your absence here is a few notes about what we discussed:

The fact that I have loved you since our academy days

That my feelings won't change no matter what she does

That I don't want anything negative to befall either country

She did not once ask about your thoughts or feelings, they seemed relevant to her

She doesn’t want me near you. She says it will ruin the reputation she is building

I do not know what this means for us, but at the very least I think I understand what you meant about having a business partner relationship.

Roman

~~~~

October 2nd

Roman,

Good to know your talk with her was for mostly nothing. She has more recently gone to my father about some scheme to boost morale and he seems to be on board. So she’s at least distracted for the time being.

In surprising news Mother wishes to meet you. She’s probably the one person who knows everything simply because she sees through every lie I tell. But thankfully she never questions me on the truth. You’ll receive an official invite from her soon.

Janus

~~~~

October 4th

Janus,

Your mother is one of the kindest people on the planet. She kept fretting over if I was okay, and meanwhile she is the one bedridden. And you were certainly right about her knowing the whole story, because it is clear she is rooting for us! She told me she just wants you to be happy, and marrying for love is something she wished you could do. She did also say she wanted to give the Crown Princess a “stern talking to”, and I think that would be hilarious to watch.

Roman

~~~~

October 14th 4th

Logan,

This year has been an absolute shitshow. Have you even heard what’ss going on? Because I haven’t heard a word fom you. But I suppose what else should I expect from the disaprearing count? I just want to marry for love and be done with the fucking war? Is that so bap? Delphine is making this hard, but I know she just wants things to be not war… it’s all so annoying. What should I do lo?

Your only friend,

Jans

~~~~

October 5th

Mother and Father,

I want you to know that despite all that has occurred I am well. I have gotten a chance to speak to the Crown Prince and Princess, and the Queen. Currently the Crown Prince intends to release rumors regarding the Duke’s family (which may or may not involve treason so please pull any assets out quickly) to stop the month long gossip about me. Once that happens, I am not sure if I will be staying here or returning home but I will let you know once I figure it out. Living in the palace certainly isn’t bad after all. The food is to die for. I may try to lengthen my stay just because of it. So don’t worry about me, worry about Remus who just sent me a letter detailing too many things about pirates that would make you cry in shame.

The lesser of two evils,

Roman

~~~~

October 8th

Crown Prince Janus Ekans,

I was quite surprised to get your letter and even more surprised by it’s contents. I have told you multiple times it is not becoming of a prince to send letters written in a drunken stupor.

Yes, I am well aware of the gossip in the capital that you have involved yourself in. But I saw no need to send you a letter of my own thoughts when I am not involved in your marital issues. If you were simply writing to me to rant and rave, then your letter was received. And I would like to say that I do have other friends.

Regardless, please expedite the report enclosed, it is part of our winter preparations.

Count Logan Ackroyd

~~~~

October 9th

Janus,

I went into town with Prince Patton (who gave me permission to call me by his name) and Virgil today. We went in disguise of course, but we got to go to a great many shops and try some good food. I bought you a present while we were out, but with the current circumstances I don’t believe I should send it with this letter. If you ever find the time to drop by my room please come and get it.

As we went about I couldn’t shake two thoughts from my mind, the first being that fall looks so different here in the capital, and the second was that it’s been nearly a year since we promised to do such things together. I still await the day where you show me your favorite spots.  

I hope those times come soon.

Roman

~~~~

October 10th

Roman,

I too hope for the same, and I would love to see what it is you got me, but we have an obstacle at present. A few actually. While the war is finally moving in our favor, I fear that the Duke’s situation is less clear than I thought. In addition to that, Father wants you sent home to the county sooner than later. And if that’s not enough, Delphine wishes to speak with you before you leave- I will do my best to convince her otherwise. I’m not sure when they want your departure to be, I’m currently negotiating and thankfully Patton is on my side.

Janus

~~~~

October 11th

Ro,

So in my quest to find exciting stories for you I may or may have not taken a cutlass to the leg. It nearly got cut clean off! Or well that’s the story I’ll tell at least. Anyway, I’m gonna be home for a while so you should come visit your dearest twin. And as for get well presents there’s nothing better than basically all the sweets in the capital so I’ll take those please and thank you. Oh and buy me some of those racy novels you pretend you don’t read. Mother saw the word “tentacle” then burned mine.

Your horribly wounded and now sickly and pathetic twin,

Remus

~~~~

October 12th

Janus,

I heard from Prince Patton that there will be a party next week. He was asking me if I plan to go with him, and truthfully I’d like to, but I also don't want to undo anything either. What do you think?

Roman

~~~~

October 13th

Roman,

I’m afraid that your attendance will not be a good idea. But, I’ve heard sickness is floating around the palace. It would be truly tragic if I can’t attend. The greatest of tragedies.

Janus

~~~~

October 15th

Dearest Husband,

At least for the sake of appearances, can you pretend like you’re not missing your lover when we’re in public? It’s very nearly sickening.

Your Wife,

Delphine

~~~~

October 15th

Delphine,

I don’t believe I ever said he was my lover. Also if you want a conversation just come here. Thomas is a knight not a messenger.

Janus

~~~~

October 15th

Dearest Husband,

Sir Thomas shall be what I ask him to be. But on topic, if Lord Regis is not your lover then Queen Mother is in perfect health. If you’re going to ignore my and your kingdom’s wishes then at the very least be subtle. Please and thank you.

Oh and I will not be joining you for dinner, your sister asked me to dine with her.

Your Wife,

Delphine

~~~~

October 17th

Janus,

I’m afraid the party must wait (and for shame my meeting with the Crown Princess must wait as well). I have just received word that Remus was injured- not gravely though- so he is currently resting at home. I must return as soon as possible to rescue my parents from his madness. Well after I buy all the things the idiot requested.

Roman

~~~~

October 18th

Janus,

I love the jacket thank you so so so much. I’ll be sure to wear it the next time I see you, which will likely be the New Year’s Ball. I’ll write to you again as soon as I get home.

Roman

~~~~

October 21st

Janus,

I have just arrived and I already wish I had stayed in the palace. Mother is already talking about how lucky I am that despite the “scandal” she found a woman who would be willing to marry me. Maybe I’ll tell her to invite this poor girl over while Remus is here. Hopefully that scares her off.

Roman

~~~~

October 26th

Roman,

What do you think about eloping?

Janus

~~~~

November 1st

Janus,

You are aware of the fact that you’re married right? Also two men marrying isn't exactly legal. Also you know, the war?

Roman

~~~~

November 7th

Roman,

Trust me when I say the war will come to an end soon. And screw the laws and my wife. If I just kidnapped you, what would anyone really do?

Janus

~~~~

November 13th

Janus,

For starters I don’t think announcing kidnapping in a letter is the proper way to kidnap someone. Also I would like to point out that in the past years I always wanted to run away and you said no. Then a few months after I drop it you’re getting engaged.

Roman

~~~~

November 18th

Roman,

Virgil said the same thing. You two spent too much time together while you were here. And I’m a married man now. I’ve grown and I’ve changed. And running away sounds better and better.

Janus

~~~~

November 20th,

Logan,

If I said I wanted to elope with Roman to your domain what would you say?

Janus

~~~~

November 23rd

Janus,

You assigned him to be my guard of course we spent time together. Also I’ve been receiving letters from Prince Patton, he truly is a ray of sunshine. He told me that the Queen is doing better and I am elated to hear that. Please pass my well wishes to her.

Roman

~~~~

November 24th

Crown Prince Janus Ekans,

What would I say if you wanted to elope here? Well, I would remind you that you have responsibilities. While I do wish for your happiness do remember that the country lies on your shoulders as well. However if there was such a way that everything was sorted beforehand, then I would still say no.

Count Logan Ackroyd

~~~~

November 28th

Logan,

That’s unnecessarily rude. I will take your response as a positive one.

Janus

~~~~

December 4th

Dearest Husband,

I am apologizing in advance for what I must do. I did not anticipate such a situation, but the Duke has my hands tied. You know I will always do what I believe I must for the good of our nations, and to stop this war. I beg you to keep these thoughts in mind.

Your Wife,

Delphine

~~~~

December 4th

Lord Roman Regis,

I beg you to keep the crown standing tall despite everything. This is not your opportunity.

Delphine

~~~~

December 10th

Janus,

Is it true what everyone’s saying? That the Crown Princess is going to be charged for treason? Was that why she sent me a strange letter?

Roman

~~~~

December 15th

Roman,

She sent you one too? And yes I’m afraid it’s true… but I don’t think that’s how it started. I was aware of the fact she was working with the duke to supply troops using her knowledge of how both armies could work together, I truthfully think he took advantage of her. But her name is on some of the documents which can be read negatively.

I apologize in advance for my lack of responsiveness and attention to you. For now I need to convince Father not to execute Delphine and others in her position. This is all truly at the worst timing, we were in the midst of discussion to end this whole war.

At the very least I’ll see you come the New Years Ball.

Janus

~~~~

December 29th

Roman,

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long, love but I think I have things sorted. At the ball my Father intends to announce the annulment of my marriage- claiming that Delphine unfairly used me. That’s not true of course, but it’s the best way for us to keep her here as a “hostage” and to withdraw our support in this war and try to reclaim a more neutral stance. At least outwardly, things are always more complicated when you look closer.

But with the war coming to a true end, and the end of my marriage, perhaps it’s time I take ‘crown’ out of my title? Patton would certainly be a better face to be out there right now as we try to maintain the rockiest of peaces. And once he takes over maybe I’ll just have to vanish in plain sight. I know a certain count who would take us in without complaint.

We can speak on it more at the banquet, I’ll meet you in the same spot as last year. We can use the same signals.

Janus

~~~~

January 2nd

Janus,

I have spent the past day thinking over the words you told me. I'll admit when I received your most recent letter, I took your words to be akin to wishful thinking. But now after hearing all the plans you made for us, this sounds like something we can really do. My heart beats faster at the thought.

Running away with the Crown Prince, it sounds like a novel doesn’t it? If we were to leave, when would we go?

Roman

~~~~

January 3rd

Roman,

Ideally I’d like to leave as soon as the snow melts, but diplomacy is known to take it’s time.

Janus

~~~~

January 4th

Janus,

I’m ready when you are. Just give me some notice to pack up my things at home and to write a letter that will make my mother sob when she realizes that she can’t marry me off for a reverse dowry. Yes, I know such a thing doesn’t exist, but I’m not sure she does.

Also I spent today with Prince Patton and Virgil and my stance has not changed.

Roman

~~~~

Roman,

Do me a favor and keep your fucking mouth shut? I don’t need Prince Janus interrogating me anymore.

-V

~~~~

January 8th

Janus,

Virgil left a note on my bed last night saying in not so nice words that I ratted him out to you. I take it I was right! You need to speak with your brother then we can be official cupids.

Also I’m leaving today, so make sure your next letter goes to my home.

Roman

~~~~

January 13th

Roman,

I will do no such thing. No one on this planet is good enough for Patton.

Janus

~~~~

January 28th

Logan,

You have till March to prepare our rooms. No, I won’t be telling you my arrival date.

Janus

~~~~

January 30th

Janus,

I don’t know if I ever told you, but I’ve kept every single letter you’ve sent me. The good, the bad, and the pointless ones. I’ve kept them all in a box in my wardrobe and my maids know not to touch them. I think I’ll take the box with me when we run.

Roman

~~~~

February 2nd

Roman,

The Prince is being weirder than usual and is fretting over little stuff and he keeps mumbling your name. Do me a favor and take him off my hands fast.

Also he got very mad at me when he found out we exchanged letters. It’s not like we’ve been doing this since you left or anything. He’s so jealous it’s stupid. Sometimes I like to imagine what would have happened if you had been the one forced into a political marriage- and then I quickly stop because I realize he would order me to go arrest and or kill someone and I legally can’t say no.

Save me.

-Virgil

~~~~

February 3rd

Roman,

I have a box of your letters as well. Even ones you haven’t written but are about you- so even some of Delphine’s have been included. Our story is certainly different from that of other couples, and our letters reflect that. I’ll bring my letters as well, maybe we can organize them all into a large collection.

That was an incredibly sappy thought, and yet I wish to follow through with it all the same.

Janus

~~~~

February 7th

Roman,

I deeply apologize. I saw the play. I know we promised to watch it together, but Patton begged me to go with those eyes and that expression and I couldn’t say no. I will make it up to you. I’ll sit through an opera in the future maybe? I know you like operas even if I don’t.

In good news I plan to send a carriage for you, it should arrive on the fourth of the coming month. It will bring you here to the capital, we can see a horrid opera and then we can be on our way to our future. So you have a full month to pack.

Janus

~~~~

February 12th

Janus,

I can’t believe you watched it without me. It will take more than an opera to make up for this. You can start thinking now on how to make it up to me.

Roman

~~~~

February 19th

Janus,

As the days grow closer my excitement grows more and more. Even now I’m writing this to you rather than sleeping as it truly sinks in that we’re going to do this. I can’t wait.

Roman

~~~~

February 23rd

Roman,

My feelings are the same as yours. This morning I announced to my family my intentions. I didn’t tell them where we’ll be going of course, just that I will be relinquishing the position of Crown Prince and that I will be traveling. Father was enraged, sister was surprised, but Mother and Patton seemed to understand and once the three of us were alone they assured me that they are happy for me. I have a few more people (boring nobles) to tell, but now that they know there’s no going back. So you’re not allowed to have cold feet.

Janus

~~~~

February 27th

Janus,

Please if anyone was to have cold feet it was you. I’ve been willing to run away with you since the day I first laid eyes on the pretty thing you call a face.

Roman

~~~~

March 4

Janus,

The carriage should be here any minute, and I’m writing this letter that I intend to hand deliver to calm myself. My room is packed into bags, and I’ve already said most of my goodbyes. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I’m sure time will fly when I’m with you. It always does.

Roman

~~~~

Jan,

Truthfully I wish you didn’t have to leave, but I understand it. So I wish you luck in chasing your love, while you’re gone I’ll make some changes around here so you can lead the life you want when you get back.

Be happy, and don’t forget to write.

Patt

~~~~

March 19th

Patton,

I have arrived safely, and both Logan and Roman are doing well. The former was griping about needing to share his estate with us, but all it took was me bringing up a few embarrassing childhood stories for him to loosen up. I don’t know when I’ll be home, but if you’re ever in the mood to frighten Father, tell him that we’ll need a royal wedding upon my return. I finally got to do the proper proposal I’ve had in my head since the New Year’s before last, and it was perfect.

I wish you luck in dealing with the state of affairs, if you need any help send me a letter discreetly and I can offer some aid.

Best wishes,

Janus

P.S. Fire Virgil if you feel like it. You can do better.

~~~~

A Forbidden Romance Years in the Making!

It’s been years since the ex Crown Princess and now hostage of the kingdom Delphine outed then Lord Roman Regis for loving a married man. Afterwards he was shunned by society and took shelter in the palace after his father begged for his shelter. Generously, the former Crown Prince agreed given he was tied to the scandal. But now we know that was never the whole story. Rather the two have been in a secret romance since their school days.

Now, as if his sudden disappearance was nothing, First Prince Janus Ekans has returned with his betrothed Lord Roman Regis, by his side. Previously talks of Crown Prince Patton signing the new law has been floating for a long while, but it seems the pen will finally be put to paper so a royal wedding may commence.

The couple will wed immediately following the signing of the new law legalizing gay marriage. And it will surely be a wedding to remember.

[linkispink1995]

Better as friends (24) A bewaited kiss

Previously

Series Masterlist

Chapter warnings:language, mentions of childbirth , bit of angst Heavy kissing / making out and mentions of smut)

A/N: One more to go thank you to all who have been following along with the series

~~~~

February 10th 1983

Y/n p.o.v

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was dialing the numbers on the phone in my kitchen , while feeling the sharp stings on my back which were making my focus a bit blurry since the pain was almost unbearable. I had fallen asleep on the couch watching a movie when I woke up to these burning sharp stings on my back. It immediately caused me to panic since I new the baby wasn't due for another three weeks but to be sure they were alright I knew I needed to go to the hospital .My parent were at work so I knew the only way of getting to the hospital was to call Steve. Even if we were arguing about pretty much everything at this point , he was still my boyfriend and still the father. “Come on” I said after not getting a response the first time calling him. “Come on” I said “pick up the damn phone you peice of-“ I was interrupted by hearing “hello” it was Steve’s voice. “Steve” I muttered since I was in the middle of a heavy contraction” he responded with “hey Y/n , listen We’re going to the movies you want me to swing by and get you”. I bit my lip in pain saying “Steve , I need you to come get me” he then said “are you okay”. I shook my head saying “no we have to go to the hospital” he chuckled into the phone saying “I don’t know about that , your not due for another few weeks are you sure your not just over exaggerating this” I sighed saying “Steve I need you too come now” I then heard him sigh before responding. “fine I’ll be right there just stay where you are” I nodded before hanging up the phone.

Half an hour later I lying in a hospital bed waiting for the nurse to come in and check on me. “Ow” Steve said “your squeezing my hand” I huffed as the contraction strengthens muttering “ wanna switch places” he sighed saying “never mind , do you want me to go find the nurse”. Before I somewhat respond a nurse came in grabbing my file saying “how are we felling” I sighed as the pain from earlier started to disappear hovering me the strength to say “okay , um is the baby okay”. She nodded saying “seems fine to me ,although there going to be premature and probably be on the small side” I nodded while feeling another contraction , causing me to squeeze Steve’s hand again. Making him say “is she supposed to be in this much pain” the nurse nodded saying “the pain is normal , however the baby’s premature so it’s best advised you do this naturally” I continued to nod while holding onto Steve’s hand. While she added “but we could get you some ice chips , if you’d like”. As the contraction started to weaken I felt I could speak saying “yes please” she nodded leaving the room as I noticed Steve checking his watch for the millionth time. “Got somewhere else to be” I asked , he shook his head saying “your mom said she be here soon so I was gonna-“ I finished his sentence saying “go , you were gonna go” he shrugged saying “well do you really need me here” I nodded saying “Steve we’re having a baby”. He shook his head saying “no Y/n , your having a baby and me being here just makes it worse , that’s why it’s early” before I respond , I saw my mother standing in the doorway holding a small cup of what I assumed were the ice chips, before she walked over , Steve leaned down to kiss the top of my head saying “you can call me when there here and everything is okay , I’ll stop by I promise” I nodded knowing I couldn’t argue with him. As he left , my mother put the ice chips on the small table , she wiped some of the fallen tears saying. “How are you feeling” I began to cry a little bit more I sputtered out “like my heart just got ripped from my chest”. She nodded saying “I know baby , but you know in just a little bit that pain is going to be overshadowed by so much joy” I nodded saying “but he promised mom” she sighed saying “I know sweetheart , but your gonna be fine” I nodded before another contraction struck.

A bit of time had passed before I was holding in my arms my sweet baby boy whom I'd already fallen in love with him. after he was born and I held him The first time I realized he was a miracle and I thought my heart would burst with the love I had for him, thinking know one could love him as much as I did. All I knew in that moment is that he was and would forever be my absolute everything. My thoughts of perfect world with just me and my baby were disturbed by a knock on the door and a voice saying "hi". I looked up from the view of my perfectly sweet little boy to see Steve standing in the doorway , after getting into the recovery room shortly after the baby was born and I had enough strength I called Steve. well twice since he didn’t pick up the first time and the second time Tommy ended up answering the phone and I didn't have the strength nor the patience to withstand a conversation with that asshat , I responded to what Steve had said by saying "come in" . He just sat there in the doorway before I repeated "you can come in" he nodded before walking out of the doorway and took a seat in the chair by the bed. He quietly sat there before I spoke again saying "you can come sit with us". He nodded before taking the small spot on the bed before placing his hand on the baby's back and began to stroke there back in the same motion as I was causing our hands to brush against each other before I asked. "Do you wanna hold him" his jaw feel saying "him" I nodded saying "it's a boy , just like you wanted" he nodded as I added "I wish you were there". He nodded again saying "I know and I'm so sorry and I promise that I'll be there from now on" he then snuggled into the crook of my neck to get a better look at the peacefully asleep baby as he placed a kiss on my chin before he added "your amazing" I then repeating her question from earlier saying "do you wanna hold him". He nodded as I help situate him in Steve's arms causing him to stir a bit , after he was situated he said "how are you feeling" I shrugged saying "tired I guess" Steve nodded saying "he's so little" causing me to giggle saying "four pounds , that's less than a bag of potatoes" he chuckled at my words before he asked "does he have a name". I shook her head saying "no , I wanted for you" he nodded saying "well are there any you like". I nodded saying "Well it's a tie between Jackson and -" he cut me off saying "I like Jackson" I responded saying "you do" Steve nodded saying "yeah I really do". He then pecked my cheek before Jackson began to stir again , I sat there watching Jackson snuggle into Steve thinking about what happy day this was supposed to be until the words I wanted to say just feel out. "I'm really mad at you" his jaw fell as I added "earlier I said I was okay but I lied I'm really mad" he rolled his eyes before saying "can we not do this right now". I sighed saying "I cannot believe you leave like you did and then comeback and act like everything's okay but it's not" Steve shook his head saying "I'm not talking about this right now". I sighed saying "fine but I'm not talking you ever again" he chuckled to himself before saying "I'd like to see you try".

Flashback over

It was only a few hours since mom had offered to take Jackson for the night since she started to tell that the past few weeks were finally starting to get to me and causing me to emotionally deteriorate. I had finally moved out of my bedroom when I realized that there wasn’t really anything in there but dirty laundry and that dreadful box that was practically staring me down. I settled to a spot onto the couch since I could now go to the video store without it being awkward , I could continue to feel the tears flood my eyes and could start to taste the salt of my tears on the spoon I was using to devourer the ice cream that was leftover from Jackson’s birthday party. I couldn’t help but feel them fall and make splatter marks on my face almost as they were creating a Jackson Pollock painting. It felt like it was what was what was supposed to happen , like maybe I was ready to move on and that tomorrow when I woke up that I could finally move on and that my son and I could start a new life together and that we would be able to make new memories and have a normal life. My thoughts of a beautiful new world with my son and I there were a set of knocks on my apartment front door, I sighed and began to contemplate weather or not to see who it was. One since I was perfectly comfortable sitting on the couch with my sweatpants and fuzzy socks and wrapped around a cozy blanket and two because it was after midnight and I knew better than to do so. I peeled the blanket off and began to quietly went to the front door and grabbed one of the more heavier books that I had placed on the table by my door that were way over due to go back to my library. Just as I made my way to the front door, I heard a voice that I was almost afraid I would never hear again, a voice that used to make my heart pound and still would sometimes. I took a deep breath before placing the book back onto the table before opening the door to see Steve who looked as if he had been through the same ring of hell that I currently felt stuck in. Steve didn’t say anything he just simply walked into my apartment before I spoke saying “hi”. He didn’t say anything he just stood in silence as I asked “are you okay” he responded saying “no, um actually I’m not uh Alison and I broke up she was lying to me about being pregnant" I frowned as he added "and I guess we wanted different things” I again frowned at his words even though I was angry with Steve I felt his pain , it practically radiated off of him. I could also feel a sense of relief that Alison was out of Steve’s life since I could tell she was starting to get on his nerves and not only that but now she’d be out of Jackson’s life as Steve stood there silently the curiosity of what caused the break up and what different things could they have possibly wanted began to chip at me causing me to ask. “what kind of things” he sighed saying “well she was in love with me and I uh am in love with you” my face fell in shock but before I could respond I felt Steve pull me into his arms and as the space between us got smaller and small I musked up some courage and grazed my lips on his and he closed the space between us and that’s when I finally got a grasp on what was happening. I was kissing Steve it had probably been five years since I had my lips where they were right now , unless you counted the few accidental kisses we had shared and I didn’t want this kiss to stop

As the kiss grew I felt Steve’s hand make a home on my hips , I wrapped my arms around his neck I then began to walk back towards the couch and Steve followed , his lips not ever leaving mine until my legs hit the back of the couch. As Steve and I settled onto the couch Steve’s lips left mine and started to make landfall onto my neck and started to work on what I knew would be a very intense hickey I then started to know where this was going so I spoke saying “Steve , honey I think we should talk”. He quickly pulled away before apologizing profusely saying “I’m sorry I uh I’m already screwing this up and I’m sorry Y/N, I’ll uh just go and-“ I cut him off with a kiss before saying “Steve honey I want this I just think that maybe we should figure what we are and I-“ he then cut me off saying “I want us to be together and I know I screw up and I know that I left but I want us to be together again and making you choose that day was stupid and I think that maybe there is still a chance for us to be a family again. You , me and Jackson and I know I've made mistakes but I promise I’ll be here for you so we can be together and I don’t want to rush this but I think it’s forever , Y/N I love you”. I nodded before saying “I love you too Steve” before we could reconnect our lips the phone began to ring. I sighed before getting of the couch before answering the phone saying "hello" the person on the other side responded "hey Y/n it's Matt" I sighed saying "oh hey is everything okay" Matt was silent before I heard some faint whispering until he spoke again saying "the baby's here". My jaw feel in shock before I said "I thought it was supposed to be middle of August it's only the-" he cut me off saying "they screwed the date up she's here and she's healthy , oh my god Y/n she's beautiful". Before I could say anything else Steve came up behind me saying "who is it" I mouthed out the words 'Matt' which he clearly didn't understand until I spoke again on the phone saying "well do you mind visitors" he responded saying "no at all , I think we'd actually like that" I nodded before saying "alright well we'll see you in a little bit".

After getting off the phone with Matt I gave Steve the recap Matt gave had given me before we made our way to the hospital. Our drive was quiet with the sound of the radio playing to break the tension , I wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen if we stayed at my apartment. I was sure it was something the two of us hadn't done together in a while and in fact the last we did that it was on a beach towel by the lake and less then nine months later Jackson was born. I shook that feeling aside as Steve turned down the radio saying "just so were clear and I'm not confused we are back together right". I chuckled before saying "yeah were back together" he nooded be adding "just wanted to make sure incase someone accidentally tells someone". I chuckled again before he pulled into the parking lot of the hospital , we entered the hospital and walked over to receptionist before I spoke saying "hi were looking for Collen Thomas's room" the receptionist nodded before saying "she's in room 147" we nodded before making our way towards the room. We quickly found it since the night of Jackson's appendix debacle Steve and I had become pretty familiar with the hospital and its layout. Before we got to the hallway were the room was Steve spoke saying "hey I'm uh gonna stay out here for a few minutes" I frowned saying "why" he shrugged saying "well there kinda your friends" I responded saying "are you sure" he nodded saying "I tell you what I'll give you a few minutes and then I'll come in okay" I nodded before pecking his lips before walking down the hall.

I knocked on the door before hearing a voice say "come in" I opened the door before seeing Matt crammed in the hospital bed with Colleen but not just them. Cradled in Colleens arms was there baby her pink hat matched the balloons tied to the end of the bed and the flowers on the small table , it was no surprise since pink was Colleens favorite color. As I got closer Matt stood up before taking the baby out of Colleen's arms I stood next to Matt to get a closer look at the baby , she looked like almost identical to Colleen but her eyes fluttered open to reveal small peaks of blue eyes like Matt's. Matt spoke spoke saying "do you wanna hold her" I of course nodded since it has been so long holding a baby so small. As I was situated holding the baby he spoke saying "this is Emily but were gonna call her Emma , I felt tears form in my eyes since I knew that was Matt's mother's name who had passed away when Matt was young. He then added "yeah uh Emily Y/n Patterson" I felt even more tears prick my eyes when he said that. I finally spoke saying "oh she's beautiful" they didn't respond instead had surprised looks on there faces which confused me until I felt a kiss being pressed to my cheek. I looked to see Steve standing besides me causing Matt to say "I wasn't gonna say anything but does the lipstick in your teeth have something to do with Steve's hair looking like that". Colleen gasped before saying "Mathew. He shrugged before Emma yawned and reopened her eyes again. The four of took turns holding Emma and talking but I couldn't help but think all of this stuff that had been going on and now was a new life that had brought into this world and I help but wonder what would be in store for us after a few hours of visiting with Matt , Colleen and Emma we went home.

When I entered the apartment I tossed my shoes off before entering the dinning room to put my bag down only to find a bouquet of Roses and a stack of papers which I knew had to be the letter I had for Steve. Upon further examination I noticed that in fact this wasn't my letter , it was one Steve had made himself , Steve had his own letter.....

Please don't plagiarize my work , stay safe and feedback is appreciated

Taglist @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @queenofthehairharrington @charmed-asylum

[astrolocherry]

Transiting Mars in Taurus - February 14 - March 31, 2019

Taurus is uncomfortable in the chaos of Mars. The combination replays the old script of Ares and Aphrodite’s great love story tragedy. Relationships are inflamed with passion, the body is delirious and seductive... but those forgotten scars can begin to pain as a reminder of what we once had and lost. Transiting Mars in Taurus asks you to measure the value that you place on your heart, the cost of your bruised self-worth, and the sum of detesting your self and your body. Silver and gold cannot hold your heart in the way that you need, but good love and company will make you feel golden. What is the true price of accepting much less than you deserve?

The inner experience can be quite tumultuous and volatile, considering the inertia of Taurus and the breakneck speed of Mars. The physical body can feel tired or drained for no reason, the appetite can increase, and there is little energy left for anything but resting and relaxing more

The body can wake before the mind

There may be a sense of frustration or agitation stemming from inner tension

The sexual appetite increases, the sensory experience is rich and tantalising, the body takes control of intimacy with carnal passion and desire

There may be impulse spending, one may feel more confident in taking financial risks. It’s a beneficial period for converting one’s natural joy and talent into capital, starting or growing a personal business, making money from one’s own crafts and creations

Aries sun or rising: Mars has entered your 2nd house. The physical body is highly stimulated, you may feel very restless or jittery inside your skin, there may be the desire to adopt new health or fitness regimes. Eat something spicy so the sensory heat distracts from the internal fire, sex as therapy if possible, use your play money to spend and indulge, and don’t let yourself near your valuables or any incomplete artwork because you are liable to tear it into shreds

Taurus sun or rising: Mars has entered your 1st house or ascendant. 

Your presence becomes inflamed and influential, and people are drawn to a heated magnet of seduction and forbidden desire. People may appear to be ultra sexually intrigued with you. You may experience headaches or even migraines. Splash cold water on face and reset body temperature and equilibrium, hold your hands over your ears and eyelids and just shut the world and the noise out for a moment. You will come back to baseline soon enough, you also need plenty of sunshine - the sun is your form of serotonin

Gemini sun or rising: Mars has entered your 12th house. You are supplied energy for alone time, sleep, and dreams- your vitality is internalised and directed inside, you may feel extremely tired following socialising or doing nothing at all. Remind yourself not to keep provoking and re-inducing the bad thoughts, fear, and panic in cycles because it’s the state you believe you need to be in at that moment. You can’t sleep or drink every bad feeling away, it will just result in you fighting these beasts in your nightmares

Cancer sun or rising: Mars has entered your 11th house. Your friends are sources of regeneration and inspiration. Get in touch with those people who love your company and love your soul again. People’s unfair beliefs and attitudes will frustrate you more than ever, so best to avoid too much online interaction and reconnect with people face to face. 

Leo sun or rising: Mars has entered your 10th house or midheaven. The public perceives you in all of your power and beauty. Let your energy flow and follow its direction - it will lead you toward high places. There may be past issues with the father that have been simmering away and suddenly rise to the surface. It may be time to confront self-worth issues that stem from the relationship with the father 

Virgo sun or rising: Mars has entered your 9th house. This Mars cycle is all about stopping and appreciating the beauty of your surroundings and the universe within your body. It heightens the senses and awareness to open new avenues of learning and experience that bring you into a greater harmony with the earth. Mars energy equally distributes between the mind and physiology, so there may be an experience of restless legs, sudden anxieties, or sensations of feeling claustrophobic or suffocating indoors 

Libra sun or rising: Mars has entered your 8th house. The raw, physical, and carnal desires and senses rise through the physical body and set fires of pleasure into the depths of intimate connections. Self-reflection is necessary. 8th house energy is only active on internal, unconscious plains. The task is to find and fight the wars inside, or else you risk destroying the people closest to you, rather than the parts inside you that are ready to die

Scorpio sun or rising: Mars has entered your 7th house or descendant. Prepare for old lovers and your battle scars to return by repeating history in your current relationships. Now is the time to perish these ones and for all. When rage and fury simmer to the surface, try to stop and self-reflect on whose rage this is, where did it come from, and who is coming to reclaim it... who are you really angry at? The person who provoked it, or your lack of self-respect in assertion?

Sagittarius sun or rising: Mars has entered your 6th house. Your surroundings may appear to be more chaotic or intrusive than usual. There will be a good energy for repairing, re-organising, and refreshing your workspace and environment. Try not to take rage out on your own body, learn what it is to practice self-care - you are injured from war. Self-improvement can involve something like training yourself to do the opposite action, for instance if you feel urged to critique, you say a compliment instead

Capricorn sun or rising: Mars has entered your 5th house. The beautiful, raw and visceral senses and desires come under extreme activation. Passion for sexual and romantic pleasure burns in you like a hotplate. Practice breathing and relaxation exercises that keep your heartbeat down or reduce the panic of a strained or anxious feeling in the chest. The inner child is longing to be free and demonstrate its whole self without limitations. Just put on your red-hot performance, you are the master, show us all how its done

Aquarius sun or rising: Mars has entered your 4th house or IC. Longterm domestic tension or familial issues are bought to the surface in order to be resolved. These may be in the form of confronting yet unifying encounters. Unstable moods or rages can be caused by hunger, so your sugar binges won’t help in an hour’s time. You need to get out of the house that is closing in on you. Go outside beneath the stars, and perform a ceremony with your old memories... write a letter to your inner child, let those reminders replay in your mind and burn them at the same time

Pisces sun or rising: Mars has entered your 3rd house. Your immediate environment may appear to be very chaotic, conflictual, and frustrating… stop, breathe, and settle. People may appear to be very confronting, it may be difficult to respond without a heated reaction. Your mind can seem overly active but repressed at the same time, like something is blocking a tremendous supply of creative inspiration 

Cherry

[gogogogolev]

Skate Canada's pre-Nationals press release confirms that Stephen is injured. It also alludes to the fact that he may be competing later in the season.

Other notable national team members that will not be attending are ice dancers Laurence Fournier Beaudry, 27, Montreal, Que., and Nikolaj Sorensen, 30, Montreal, Que., pair team Camille Ruest, 26, Rimouski, Que, and Drew Wolfe, 25, Calgary, Alta, and Stephen Gogolev, 14, Toronto, Ont. All athletes had to withdraw due to injury but hope to compete later this season.

He’s fifteen now. I want to offer myself to Skate Canada for pro-bono Stephen fact-checking, honestly.

Christopher Howarth, doing commentary for the 2020 Youth Olympic Games, also mentioned Stephen and his injury during the men's SP.

"There's one other skater that's missing here. Stephen Gogolev from Canada, winner of the Junior Grand Prix [Final] last year. He was scheduled to participate but he decided to focus on seniors for Nationals, which takes place next week. Canadian Nationals. But unfortunately he's had to withdraw from that due to an injury, so we wish him all the very best." - x

"Aleksa Rakic of Canada. He comes in as a substitute for Stephen Gogolev, the incredible guy that won the Junior Grand Prix Finals 12 months ago. But he's decided to stay at home. He wanted to compete in Nationals, which is next week, in the senior event but unfortunately he's injured himself and had to withdraw from that. So we wish him all the very best." - x

A pro-skater and coach shared this information about Stephen's condition:

"He still has not been cleared to jump and is only beginning to skate. His injury was more serious then they originally thought in the fall. Sad to see him out but good for the team for allowing him time to properly heal"

I cannot verify this without further information, but I thought it may be relevant to the discussion.

So now we know why Stephen has been withdrawing from events. And why Stephen and Rafael Arutyunyan have been so quiet. Why we haven't seen even glimpses of him on ice from October 25 to January 8.

This has to be an incredibly difficult time for Stephen. I can imagine some of what he has been going through. Injury aside, rehabilitation is a painful process in itself. Missing out on opportunities cannot be easy. Nor can being away from friends. Wanting to skate but being unable to must be trying. All this, while dealing with the rest of the changes in his life. Stephen's been enduring a lot.

The fan response to this news was surprising. I didn't realize the extent to which Japanese fans love Stephen. One fan, who cutely calls him 'Gogo-kun', made this.

これはゴゴくんがナショナルWD知る前に描いてたもの。ゴゴくんが一日も早くよくなりますように🙏🏻🇨🇦 pic.twitter.com/UPido3SBRx

— マチ🦁🦈 (@marchLzLo)

January 11, 2020

"I drew this before I learned of Gogo-kun's withdrawal from Canadian Nationals. I hope Gogo-kun gets well as soon as possible. 🙏🏻🇨🇦"

Stephen is blessed to have such nice fans.

For my part, I thought originally he may be dealing with a minor injury, which is why I was hopeful for a return but as his absence was so long, I sensed he may skip events in January. This ask came to mind. Raf's words about avoiding injury gave me some hope, but we must accept reality.

Will he be sent to Junior Worlds? Will he be healthy enough to skate there? The answers to those questions are what we'll be finding out next. February 10th is the deadline for entries to be submitted for Junior Worlds, per the announcement. Stephen would most likely have to compete at an event prior to Junior Worlds to show his readiness. With less than two months to go, you can get a sense of what will happen. At least we know he’s back on ice. 

All the best in your recovery, Stephen.

P.S. Yes, I know I suck at this hiatus thing. After four years of being a Stephen fan and running this blog it's not really possible to step back entirely. Think of it less as a total absence, and more as the usual sporadic updating of the blog with Stephen news. Give him some space and time to come back.

[art-of-slither]

Touched by Magic: The day I surrendered and won (Pt. 4 and final)

Have you read what Abraham-Hicks says about meditation? They compared it to a cork floating on water. When negativity is dominant, it´s like grabbing the cork and keeping it underwater. When you meditate, even if you aren´t actively looking for positive aspects to feel grateful for or appreciate while awake, you release that cork and it floats right up, up to the places where higher vibrations abound. 

Letting go and surrendering do that as well as I am about to illustrate.

The first thing I wanted to do was finding love. But that wasn´t happening. I meditated and felt better. Still, I didn´t have the light re-ignited, but I knew I had the information I needed to get the life of my dreams. I wanted a romantic partner, first and foremost. 

Honestly, I couldn´t help missing choir boy. As much as I tried, I was still very hung up on him. I knew he and her girlfriend were being quite happy. I was forced to leave church because the pain of seeing them together was unbearable.

Still, meditation wasn´t bringing me a boyfriend. I got into it as a job. I worked hard at it. I knew that I had to keep at it and squeeze a boyfriend out of life, but it wasn´t happening and my discontent and frustration were intensifying. 

Februrary 6th 2011 was a Sunday I remember powerfully. The night before I meditated but meditation did not made me feel good anymore. I was still alone. When I woke up I noticed how my brain was consumed by feeling lonely and desperately wanting a romance. And I was so sick of it. The frustration I felt was unbearable. This was not life, I was so caught up in a stupid drama when there were more important things out there. 

I suddenly only knew one thing: I wanted this horrible pain to stop, whatever it took. I jumped out of bed, dressed and went out for a walk in the park. The thoughts kept torturing me: you are going to be alone, you won´t get a relationship for like five years, you are going to finish your education and come home to just a dog waiting for you while your friends will have their families to tend to and you are to sleep alone like a goddamn loser.  

But I started jogging and I did the unthinkable: I wholeheartedly accepted that fate. 

You see, horrible thoughts cannot harm you if you decide they don´t hold power over you and stop running away from them. I embraced them in spite of how they hurt me: yes, I was going to be alone and that was ok; yes, I was getting a boyfriend in five years... 10 years even, and I am fine with that!; yes, I was going to come home from work and yes I was going to have just a dog and yes I was going to be a loser, and I am ok with that!

Oh, my mind was vicious. For example, this thought occured assaulted me: you know, it´s Sunday morning, so choir boy must be singing at church right now, right beside his girlfriend, neither one of them caring how you are feeling right now. 

That´s ok. That´s ok. That´s ok. That´s ok. I inhaled deeply and exhaled accepting it and really feeling calm and ok with those outcomes. This was a boggart attacking me and I decided to diminish the power it held over me by embracing my fears head on. I didn´t care for those fears, the anxiety was destroying me from the inside out. That was the real pain! 

And then something miraculous happened: my anxiety lifted, I felt lighter, and... happy! I was even eager live my life as single. I was going to do whatever stuff I wanted on my own, taking me out to have fun on my terms and that was fine! And yes, I was about to face a decade alone. It didn´t mattered. It stopped mattering! I returned home elated, hopeful! I decided to win on my own terms, I chose to be with myself...

And then, just as I passed my computer I had the weird urge to turn it on and log into my messenger account. I can´t explain why... I tried to ignore it! But it was one of those times when my intuition had to insist on me ignoring my rationality and do the thing. And I did the thing, so I encountered once more the guy I met the day when I declared I was about to find my husband online. That day several years before, when I was in my late teens. He began chatting with me.

Suddenly, he asked me out on a date the very next day and I was annoyed. Why now? Why it had to happen this on the damn day I was gloriously embracing my life as single? So now, if I accepted, the guy would meet up with me and run the other way as fast as he could after looking at me. Well, you know what? Bring it on! Yes, let´s get this over with! I know how this story ends and it ends with me being left alone. Go right ahead! Ok, I´ll go out on a date with you so you can return to ignoring my existance pronto. 

I married this guy this year. After 8 years of being boyfriends, we officially married. We became a couple on February 10th 2011, we married on August 10th 2019. He is ill right now... polycistic kidneys... he is on peritoneal dyalisis and soon enough I am going to be his kidney donor...

During those first few months of our relationship, that period called honeymoon, light returned and things began working out so well. But I returned to my negative ways of thinking and feeling... Oh, no! Nothing about him. He is an angel. I hated his family: the way they would witheld food from him, the nasty hole in the wall were they made him sleep, how they berated him, and how they finally threw him out the hose and how I found myself looking for ways to sustain him while he found a job, how I struggled to pay the lease. I resented their family and mine as well because help was not coming from anywhere.

For him I came out to my parents. They had a really hard time accepting me. My dad still does and my husband is forbidden to come inside their house whenever we need to stop by.

In 2012 I began my medical internship, right in the middle of all the cahos. I had to be at the hospital from 7 am to 8 pm, and if I had a night shift I would stay the whole night only to continue working the next day til 6 pm or longer if I wasn´t finished yet with my assignments. Every fourth night we would spend more than 34 hours in the hospital. There was no food at my boyfriend´s... he couldn´t eat anything until I returned. We were living on a measly salary and a small allowance my father not-so-happily gave me.

Things were stuck in a weird mode all these 8 years: something good, something bad, something good, something bad. We both are very negative, very vocal about how bad we feel, we criticize strongly our families. I know that some of you may think that we were/are justified. I believed that as well. But our negativity is literally killing us now. So all this long tale brings me to this, my last hope:

I need to fill myself with light. I want to love this life in spite of every horrible thing that is staring at us. I want to love life again. I want to be happy regardless of all the things that tell me to feel otherwise. I want gratitude and love and appreciation bless our life.

I want Light to win.

[monigheandonn1743]

The Diary

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Wednesday 4th January 1747

My enthralment with the snow has ended, and I now find myself in utter despair at the catastrophe it has wrought. How can something that is so beautiful, so peaceful, and joyous, in turn cause such heartache and devastation?

Has God not punished us enough?

Are those of us that were not slain in battle, or shot for treason, now destined to die of starvation?

In the blink of an eye our continued existence in the highlands has become all but impossible. There is no earthly way that we can survive here. William has suggested that we leave, and I’ll admit to considering that option myself, but where would we go?

I do not know what has become of him, and I am not ashamed to admit that I hope that he was lost at Culloden. But if he lives still, then leaving Lallybroch will only increase my risk of discovery.

Besides, what of my new family? No highlander would be welcomed in the lowlands or beyond, and there are no ships available to carry us across the ocean to safety.

There will be none until the spring, and I fear that then it will be too late.

The hidden provisions, the ones removed from the reach of the redcoats, the preserves we were so reliant on, have gone. They were destroyed in the blizzard, when the weight of the snow became too much for the hastily built shelter.

We are at a loss of what to do.

I am at a loss.

*

Thursday 12th January 1747

Janet and I have completed our store inventory and as a result, William has left to hunt. With so many mouths to feed, even on strict rations, we have only enough food to see us though to the middle of March.

Should the garrison call for further supplies, I fear we shall perish long before then. Unfortunately, with Lord Lovat still at large, it is highly likely that they will.

We have seen neither hide nor hair of the old fox, thank the Lord, but his actions have brought suspicion down on the whole clan; William in particular, and until he is captured I can see no end to their harassment.

*

Tuesday 17th January 1747

Venison and onion stew has never tasted so good.

I shall dream of it this night I am sure.

*

Saturday 21st January 1747

I am overjoyed!

In the early hours of this morning, we welcomed Margaret Ellen Claire Fraser Murray to the world. It is such a big name for such a tiny girl, but I have no doubt that she will grow into it.

She is the complete image of her beautiful mother. With jet black hair, a small nose, and delicately pursed lips. Yet she carries her fathers dark soulful eyes.

Janet is well and recovering quietly with both of her children by her side. As would be expected, her happiness is unparalleled, yet tinged with the sorrow that young Maggie will never know her wonderful father.

I know that Ian will be watching over them from heaven, and will be almost bursting with pride for his wife and new daughter. As well he should, for Janet has done him proud.

*

Thursday 9th February 1747

Mrs Crook has injured herself again. She neigh on sliced her finger off while attempting to skin a rabbit. I have stitched it as best I can, but…

…As I feared, the redcoats have once again come to Lallybroch and I am truly terrified at what I may find upon my return. We have next to nothing left, but I pray to God that William will hold his temper and allows them to take what they will. Unfortunately I know the man well, and I expect that he will not.

I can barely breathe with worry.

Oh, that I could be there to at least see what is happening, but with the provision hole exposed, there was nowhere for me to hide. So, I now write by dim candlelight, in the icy confines of the cave on the north side of the estate.

As young Rabbie MacNab ferreted me away though the shadows with naught but a candle, my shawl and diary, he assured me that he was not amongst them. But I am known to many, and I have been made aware that the reward for my recovery is still in place.

Does this mean that he lives? Or are his family still willing to pay for my capture?

I do not know, and I do not wish to find out.

William has written to his cousin in France, requesting passage on the next ship to sail from Inverness to the Colonies. I do not know if life in those far distant lands will be better then here, but one can hope and pray that it will be.

*

Saturday 11th February 1747

After spending the night in the cave, I returned yesterday to find that William had taken sick. Overnight he has gone from a strong, robust man, to one who seems alarming frail.

I am doing what I can to stem his fever, but he still burns hot, and has spent the past hours plagued by tremors and night-terrors.

Mary sits beside him now, tending to his care while I attempt rest and Janet tends to the children. But I have requested that she fetch me if he worsens, for I know I shall not sleep.

I truly fear for him, and I pray that his fever breaks soon.

*

Wednesday 22nd February 1747

Like dominos, one person after the next has been overcome by the sickness that had stricken William. First it was Mary, then Janet, Mrs Crook, wee Jamie and young Rabbie.

Save for the latter, thankfully within a day or so the crippling fever released each of its victims from it grasp. Although weakened by the illness, and coughing terribly, all are recovering, slowly but surely.

Young Rabbie has had it worse then anyone and it breaks my heart to say that he now fights for his life in the room next to mine. I have never felt so helpless before, I long to go to him, to do what I can and take some of the burden from his mother, but I cannot.

My head pounds, my throat scratches and I can barely stand with weakness. I know the fever is coming, for my skin burns, my mind feels foggy and my thoughts disjointed.

Pray God see me though this.

*

Wednesday 1st March 1747

We have lost young Rabbie.

Those words pain me so greatly that I can scarce breathe. The dear boy fought to the last, but with so little food he had no strength left to beat the illness. Mary’s grief is profound, and she has left Lallybroch and returned to the village to mourn within the bosom of her family.

The estate is silent.

It is as though young Rabbie has taken with him the last shred hope we had, and we have been left bleak and desolate.

We have nothing.

It is hopeless. It is all just so hopeless.

*

Tuesday 7th March 1747

William has gone raiding and I once again find myself sick with worry. It was a dangerous endeavour at the very best of times, but now with the clearance, and the constant redcoat presence, it is a death sentence.

Janet is as worried as I, though she does a fair job at hiding it, so she is keeping us busy.

Today we have been in the attic, and I find that I have never been so filthy in all my life. I have also developed a health fear of spiders.

I have never been bothered by the critters before, yet when one is besieged by an army of the wee beasties, that are the size of ones hand, I am sure the change of heart is forgivable.

Good lord, I itch still. It is as though they are still amongst my skirts.

No, I cannot, I must go and change.

*

Friday 10th March 1747

I caught and skinned my first rabbit today. It is a task that I never thought I would partake in, and yet here I am, home from the hunt, feeling proud to have provided for the family.

And nauseated at having taken a life.

I know, I know, it is but a rabbit and I have eaten plenty in my life. More now than ever before. Yet it was a living, breathing creature and, when I wounded it, I wanted nothing more than to heal it.

I feel barbaric.

I am sure, if he were here, William would have found vast amusement in my appearance, just as his sister has. For there I stood in the kitchen doorway, my hands bloodied, and my face streaked with tears, as I handed to poor soul to Mrs Crook.

I actually think that I can still hear Janet chortling away somewhere below stairs.

I was half starved, but the stew still sits heavily in my stomach, threatening to regurgitate.

Thankfully, Janet will go tomorrow, and I can spend the day completing womanly chores and minding the children.

A much more pleasant endeavour I hope.

*

Thursday 16th March 1747

I hardly know what to write. In fact I can hardly write at all, for my pen shakes in my hand, and I cannot see through my tears.

I have witnessed the impossible, lived through unimaginable horrors, and have suffered pain like no other. But never have I been more terrified.

Time and again he threatened to kill me. Yet while the pain was nigh on unbearable, I think I always knew that he would not. He enjoyed the game too much, he enjoyed my agony, and the fear he instilled in me.

But now, I have no such assurances.

I did not know what to do when Mary came up from the village with the news that he was back. I had hoped that he had been lost in battle or had given up his search. It has been almost a year since that faithful day, and we have heard not a word of his return. But I was stupid and foolish to hope, and I once again live in fear of discovery.

He knows I am close. I do not know how, but he always has. That’s why he comes back.

I cannot run for he has eyes everywhere, and without William here, I cannot venture to the cave. I would not survive out there alone. So I am trapped, hiding amongst the spiders in the attic.

*

Monday 10th April 1747

There has been

*

Sunday 4th June 1747

It has been so long since I have written and, while I had so much to say, there had been no order to my thoughts, and no passion for writing them out.

As of yet I am not discovered.

He has been back twice more, and has ventured to Lallybroch, but thankfully William was back and had time enough to shuffle me down into the new priest hole before he made the court yard.

I sleep now with my door bared, my widow bolted and a blade hidden beneath my pillow. Not that I actually get much in the way of sleep. My ears strain in the silence of the night, listening to every creak and groan the house makes as it settles and I can never force my eyes to close.

When I do eventually sleep from exhaustion I am plagued by night-terrors, with memories from my past, that have me screaming myself awake.

Mary and William sleep in the room beside me, and I know that I must disturb them, for they look as exhausted as I.

They married last week in a small church service.

It was a beautiful moment and I could not be happier for them. William is helping her to heal from her loss, and she has made him whole.

I feared that he would ask for my hand, and I saw his grief when word came of my husbands reemergence. But it is for the best that he did not ask. To refuse him would have pained me greatly, and am not a fit wife for any man.

*

Thursday 15th June 1747

Catherine McKimmie passed away last night having just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. I tried everything I could think of to do, but it was hopeless. The afterbirth tore away, and I could do naught to stem the bleeding…

The dawn light was just filtering into the room as Jamie came to the last passage. He already knew what it would say, he’d read it before. But he’d been so engrossed in her life that he read it again.

He wanted to know what had happened to her. Why did she stop writing? Did her husband find her? Did they emigrate to the colonies? Did they all die of starvation?

Stupidly praying for a continuation or conclusion, he flipped the page expecting to see nothing but the end of her final passage. But what he saw, what he read, froze his blood in his veins.

His heart thudded and his breathing stopped as he stared in horror down at the page.

It was impossible.

Friday 16th June 1747

Someone has been in my room. A man, one that I have never seen before. At first I was overcome with fear presuming that he has been sent by Jonathan.

But now I do not know what to think.

I was in my garden, pulling fresh vegetables for dinner when I heard someone knocking on the window. I looked up expecting to see Janet or wee Jamie, but instead I found a near naked stranger.

He was stood in my window looking down at me, and with my initial glance I presumed it was William, for his hair was the same astonishing red. But then I recalled that William was not home, he had left an hour before with Mary to visit Grannie MacNab.

The man was angry, that much I could see, and I thought for sure that he would come down and accost me. When he moved to open the window I was so scared I thought I might vomit. But as he flipped the latch he vanished.

Complete disappeared into thin air.

With the help of old Alec, Janet and I searched the whole house, but there was no sign of him anywhere, and no one else had seen him.

But I know he was here, I know he was real, I saw him.

And I think he may have read my diary.

As I do every morning, I remember vividly placing it beneath my mattress before I began my chores today, but upon entry to my room, I discovered it open on the floor at the foot of the bed. I know no-one else here would invade my privacy in such a way, so it must have been him.

Who is he?

Has he been sent by Jonathan? Have I been found? Or is there an entirely unexplainable explanation?

Chapter 5

[blackholmleague]

Enigmatic Machinations Pt. 1

TW: DISTURBING CONTENT, SUICIDE/SUICIDAL IDEATION, ETC.

January 3rd, 34 ADP

I dreamt about Frieda again last night. She was standing at the windowsill, just like she was the last time I saw her. Though I knew right away it was a dream because in memory, she was terrified, her eyes filled with that dull, heavy kind of dread that whittles away at the soul. No, I knew this was a dream because she looked at peace. Like she knew exactly who and what she was and reconciled with what was to come. She beckoned me over to her, but I know that dreams aren’t just dreams, so I stayed where I stood, just like I did that night. And she jumped.

I can’t stay here in Stormwind any longer. I find myself looking over my shoulder every other minute now. I don’t trust anyone. Can’t trust anyone. Hopefully the brisk air of Lordaeron will bring some semblance of comfort to my bones. Hope is in short supply these days.

I’m going to take one of Roland’s guns from the stash and leave my name on the ledger. If he’s still alive out there, I want him to know it was me. Or perhaps Airidia will find it, though I doubt she’s left Drustvar in years.

Edward Wortham Lotheric

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January 10th, 34 ADP

I’ve been on the road for nearly six days, now. Each day the air has begun to bite just a little more, with winter in full swing now. I missed the cold. The chill hits me deep in my core, but at least it’s something. The tangled mess of my psyche has begun to make just a little bit of sense now that I’m out in the country. Barely any people. Though that in and of itself comes with its own dangers. Still, it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I expect to be in Lordaeron within a fortnight. I won’t write again until I finish the journey.

Edward Wortham Lotheric

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January 25th, 34 ADP

Lordaeron at last. My travels took a turn for the treacherous past the Thandol Span, with Horde savages scouring the Arathi Highlands with their skirmishes against the Alliance. Still, I’m wise enough at least to keep my skill sharp. I passed through an Alliance war camp on my way through the Highlands. In a way I envy their fight. To have a clear foe. To be able to point at an individual or a group and say ‘that is who I must destroy’. It’s poetically simple. On paper, at least.

I’ve found myself a long abandoned homestead in the foothills between Gilneas and Silverpine forest. No one has been here for a long, long time. Though I know that crops won’t grow because of the plague that’s been deployed here, there is still likely game in the hills. I’ll have to see if my trapping skills are still up to par.

Edward Wortham Lotheric

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January 27th, 34 ADP

I managed to catch a few rabbits today in the traps I laid. It seems the land here is still bearing enough fruit for one doddering fool to stay breathing, at least for now. I’ve set cages for fish along the coast, though I’ll wait a few more days to check those.

I can hear footsteps tracing the perimeter of the farmhouse at night. There hasn’t been a moonlit night since I’ve arrived. I barricaded all of the windows with leftover wood from the shed out back during the daylight hours yesterday. I was fortunate to find an old chest full of candlesticks and wicks in the basement. The thought of spending my nights here without light chills me to my core.

I don’t know what is outside the farmhouse at night, but I have a good idea of what it might be. And it isn’t good.

Edward Wortham Lotheric

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January 30th, 34 ADP

It appears I’m not alone in the foothills. There is a tent-city of transients a few miles down the road in the remains of a burned out Gilnean village. The thought of having neighbors was one that brought me comfort, at first. It didn’t when I approached.

As soon as I approached, guns and spears were leveled at me. They rattled off a thousand inquiries a minute, and when the hammers on their rifles cocked, I thought for sure my time had come. But the triggers weren’t pulled. A man among them gave the order to hold, and came to the front. He introduced himself as Clark. No surname. Fresh scars littered his face, and his clothes looked ready to fall apart at any moment.

Clark walked me to his tent, past a surprising amount of armed guards. He said that they were prey to the things that lurked in the foothills, and were wary of any and all movement outside of camp, hence my warm welcome. My heart dropped into my stomach. Had I brought the curse upon these poor folk? The thought had me ready to pack my things and leave for good. Clark quickly assuaged my guilt, but replaced it with a far more disturbing feeling.

The transients had been doing battle with whatever monstrosities plagued the hills for months. Long before I arrived. He described the beasts as perhaps what someone who had never seen human before might imagine they looked like. Flesh, bone and blood, but in grotesque and absurd proportions. Some with heads so large they could barely carry them, others with arms and legs as long as a grown man.

Their behavior, he said, was as erratic as their physiques. Sometimes they would dance in the fields hideously at night, other times they would just watch the transients at night. Often they attacked. But only ever at night.

This development unsettled me greatly, as it meant there was yet another element at play here. But what? What were these creatures and where were they coming from?

I thanked Clark for the warning and told him of my location. It is always good to have allies in such trying times. Especially now, as I write this, with a sickly figure standing at the end of the farmhouse path, staring at me through the cracks of the boards that have sealed the windows.

Edward Wortham Lotheric

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

February 6th, 34 ADP

I checked my traps today, only to find the rabbits within them to be little more than a viscous black goop and partially disintegrated bone. It would be no surprise to me to find the flesh-fiends were the cause. That is what the transients have begun to call them, and I cannot say they are entirely inaccurate. The nightmares have returned, only now the dread that they instill persists throughout the day. There is a rot in the pit of my soul, eating away at my insides like a worm might do to an apple, until there is nothing left but a hollow husk. I tied a noose the other night, when the footsteps outside were at their worst. Three pairs of feet shuffling around outside the walls. Not even the crickets made sound last night. Just the silence, the flicker of the candlelight, and the shuffling. I do not plan on using the noose, but I find its presence comforting. A one way ticket from this never ending nightmare should I so choose. But I won’t choose to. No. My fire is dull, but it’s there. If the void is to take me, it can knock down that fucking door and do the job itself. Edward Wortham Lotheric ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- @deadsunharbor

[phonewikis]

When can I watch "Attack On Titan Season 4" English Dub?

When can I watch “Attack On Titan Season 4” English Dub?

The most popular, manga-turned-anime, “Attack on Titan Season 4” is finally here! Episode 1 got a global premiere on Hulu, Crunchyroll, and Funimation on Sunday, December 6. Considered to be the anime of the decade, the final season is split into 8 episodes with Episode 2 streaming on 13th December. At the time of release, the English subtitles are delivered hours after the episode streams in Japan. Sadly enough the dubbed version takes time.

When will they get a chance to watch the English dub of Attack on Titan Season 4? Is there a streaming service where one can watch “Attack On Titan Season 4” with English Dub from anywhere? Do we know yet approximately when the season 4 episodes will be released in dub?

Will dub be released episode-wise each week after its sub-release? Will the entire season be subbed out before one gets to see the English dub of final season episode 1? Have the producers set any sort of schedule/set amount of time as to how long after the Japanese episode is released the dub will be?

Let’s find out everything about when, where and how to watch all episodes of Attack on Titan season 4 with an English dub on any streaming platform.

When can I watch “Attack On Titan Season 4” English Dub?

Funimation had announced in September about releasing the English dub but without any timelines. It had said, “Funimation will stream SimulDub™ episodes of the season at a later date.” Apart from this, the English dub version of the anime is planned to stream on Hulu alongside Toonami.

In the past, Season 2 and 3 English dubs dropped in a few weeks once the original episode got aired. On the basis of past records, the English dub of Episode 1 may air by the end of December or early January 2021.

Unfortunately, there is no confirmation apart from “coming soon”. No schedule has been announced for the dub and neither on any other dubs due to COVID-19. the delay has been aggravated more due to approaching Christmas and the fact that with AOT it also has to air on Toonami as well as Funi at roughly the same time.

It’s a wild guess but based on certain logic. Like with the past seasons the dub isn’t going to be out till at least late February early March 2021 at the best. The chances stand high that Toonami a cable station will not want a stop and start schedule.

Odds are the dub will start in either February or March. Questions are being raised about Trina Nishimura (Mikasa’s VA) and how much she can do given the horribly sad situation with her partner at present. It could also account for understandable delays.

There is a strong feeling this is gonna be a long ride.

How can I watch “Attack On Titan Season 4” on Netflix?

In the meantime, many of you cannot hold back for the “Attack On Titan Season 4” English dub to arrive. Many of us will be ready to sacrifice for AOT and watch even the subs because you can’t handle the wait. But “Attack On Titan Season 4” English sub is not available on Netflix in most countries.

Attack on Titan Final Season has started streaming in Netflix Philippines and Thailand. But the episodes air after they are premiered on Crunchyroll and Funimation. Episode 1 that got a premiere date of 6th December in the U.S. was released a week after, on December 11 on Netflix.

In fact, Amazon Prime Video subscribers in an Italian sub/dub in Italy and Malta only have been able to watch Season 4 of Attack on Titan too.

In case these apps don’t work in your country you can always use a good VPN service to enjoy “Attack On Titan Season 4” on Netflix. To do the same you need to follow the steps mentioned below:

1.    Download a safe and reliable VPN. Say NordVPN, Surfshark and ExpressVPN

2.    Sign in and associate with a server in the proper nation. For example, you’ll need to utilize a Japanese worker to unblock NHK from abroad.

3.    At last, visit your picked real time feature and attempt to play a video. It should begin immediately however on the off chance that not, clearing your treats and reviving the page should fix most issues.

Netflix Thailand can be accessed by VPN for watching the direct streaming of subbed version.

Updates on ‘Attack on Titan’ Season 4 Episode 8 as of 25th January

7 episodes of Shingeki no Kyojin Season 4 have been aired and the fans are sitting in the final season. Everyone is now desperately waiting for Episode 8 to air on 31st January. It is titled “Assassin’s Bullet” and will feature the fan favorites Eren, Mikasa, and the rest of the Scouts’ war.

Episode 67 will be telecast on Sunday, 31st January, around 3:45 p.m. It will be available on Crunchyroll which simulcasts Attack on Titan Season 4. Dub on Funimation of the episode has not been announced yet.

Attack on Titan Season 4 English Dub Release Date

For the time being, the English dub of AOT Season 4 has found a slot on Adult Swim’s Toonami TV channel. The service is available for US fans only. It primarily airs Japanese anime and a few American-origin action animations. Attack on Titan Season 4 Episode 1 English dub was aired on 10th January at 12:30 a.m. ET.

It has maintained a weekly drop since then. The last episode to broadcast was Episode 8, “Assassin’s Bullet” on 28th February. The next English dub of Episode 9, titled “Brave Volunteers” is targeted for 7th March. English dubs of 8 more episodes have been ordered.

Is there Attack on Titan Season 4 English dub on Funimation?

Fans can watch English dubs of the first 3 seasons of AOT. Unfortunately, Attack on Titan Season 4 English Dub Funimation is awaited.

[sweetlittlelie48]

[Translation] Jurina’s confession (from Rena grad con pamphlet)

Jurina’s confession

For me, Rena-chan is lover. Jurina cried…as Wmatsui that leads SKE until today, 7 years of being close to Rena…if we look back to their relationship that was full of emotions, our hearts would get warm. The history of the strongest pair- the pride of Nagoya- that no one has ever known and how SKE’s future will be once Rena left the group…”For me, Rena-chan is lover” Super Ace who is still here has revealed it all.

But it’s unrequited love…because of love, I couldn’t honestly say it. True relationship of the two who have been leading SKE48 for 7 years

Jurina has just arrived at shooting location. When she saw purple flowers in the vase, she blurted out pleasantly “These flowers are so like Rena-chan”. Then, she asked staff who comes with her to pick a flower for selfie “This photo, I will send it to Rena-chan” she said with smile.

“What a creep I am right now. No matter what I see, I would say it is like Rena-chan. These flowers, also. In our unit song (TWO ROSES), Rena-chan’s dress was red and mine was blue. Red and blue combined will be purple. Two of us are purple. So, I am happy that Rena-chan love purple…”

As Wmatsui, they do their best to lead SKE48 along these 7 years. Especially, the beginning that two of them mostly worked together “Whether we went to Tokyo or stayed at a hotel, we were always together. I spent even more time with Rena-chan than with my family” To make SKE48 be the strongest group, for that reason, they have been fighting alongside of each other. However, Rena announced that she will graduate in August. There is not much time left to see “Wmatsui of SKE48”

“I only knew that she will graduate just a moment before she announced on the radio. She mailed to 1st gen ‘sorry that I didn’t tell you guys in advance’ but I was already aware of it. So fast...before General Election, I got a work with Rena-chan and she said something that she had never said. It seemed like she was thinking if she should say it. I knew it just by looking at her. I also talked to Masana ‘Rena-chan said like this, she must be thinking about graduation. What should I do?’ but Masana said ‘It is not like that. It will be alright. I talked to Rena before, she said she will not graduate soon’ then, on the day of General Election, Masana also went to Rena’s room to make sure again. The day after, Masana reported to me cheerily ‘no way she will graduate’ (laugh) but since I was always with Rena-chan, I knew it”

Sisters, friends, comrades, rivals…in these 7 years, it is difficult to describe relationship of Wmatsui that had walked along together with only one word. Break out in tears of joy together, feel the frustration together, quarrel with each other sometimes…for Jurina, Rena is special.

“Rena-chan, for me, is lover. I once thought she is family but that is not it. She is my lover. Not admiration but love. Not sisters, also. I realized how depressed it is to be separated from the one you love. Because of love, I couldn’t honestly say it. Anyways, Rena-chan always sees me as little sister, she loves me in that way. So, we are unrequited love to each other. We are opposite to each other because our way of thinking is different. But because of that, there are various kind of thoughts came out. It brought us together. I think it is a very good relationship”

Very good relationship…but also similar to Maeda Atsuko and Oshima Yuko of AKB48. They could not avoid being compared - position, ranking in election, length of waiting line in handshake event- not knowing when people started seeing them through ‘rival’ filter, though they are in the same group, comrades in the same team. “Although we are close, I once felt that I couldn’t show it because everyone said that we are rivals. Everyone enjoyed as it became like that…fans got fired up, so I thought we also need to be the same. It felt strange when we need to let people think that we are rivals. But, I was taken by it. I took it for granted that our rivalry is real…”

Looking forward to seeing you again at 10th anniversary… 3 years from now, when it is 10th anniversary, it would be great if I could make her think “let’s go see SKE48 live”

In “idol no namida: Documentary of SKE48” that was released in February this year, there was a scene that shows complicated relationship between Jurina and Rena. In 2011, the 3rd General Election was held, Jurina got 14th and Rena got 10th. It was the first time that ranking sequence of the two switched. After the event ended, in the waiting room backstage, Jurina who was crying surrounded by members trying to comfort her. While Rena was alone in the corner with tight-lipped, her expression showed mixed feeling. When we asked about this scene, Jurina lowered her head sadly. Her eyes brimmed with tears shortly afterwards…

“Back then, I didn’t know that Rena-chan was around because I just kept looking at the floor. Then, when I was about to go home, I accidentally met Rena-chan. It seemed we only said ‘thanks for hard work’, bowed to each other. But at that times, I really hated myself for thinking like…’ah, did she just look down on me?’ I supposed that Rena-chan and I think the same, there was no superiority or inferiority. Since we had walked here together, I felt lonely when I saw her walked ahead. But to think about it now, it is not like that anymore. Rena-chan was older than me. She was mature. When she saw me crying, she did not come in to comfort me because she was thoughtful. At that time, I was really young. I only thought ‘it is good that she does not mess with me’ but I understand now that was her kindness. Even so…I still want to say sorry for what I have done”

Surrounded by fans’ thought, fighting intensely in General Election every year, for members in 48 group who always aim higher, this is unavoidable. That is why there are times when these two did not talk to each other, to the point that it became awkward. However, there was something that melted away Jurina’s hostile feeling toward Rena.

“Now, I do not feel any rivalry anymore. What changed it was team shuffle (in April 2013). When Rena-chan moved from Team S to Team E, that was the first time I felt so lonely. We had always been together, but then it was gone. We were just in the different team, so I thought that ‘we just cannot stand together on the same theater stage’ but never thought that it was not only that…as our individual work increased, we could not go to Tokyo or somewhere, only the two of us, anymore. It felt lonely. If I were with Rena-chan, I would not have to eat anything. If only I had Rena-chan, I would be okay with everything. Once we talk, I would forget everything else, even eating. And when we talk about SKE48, I would put everything else away”

For SKE48, Matsui Rena’s graduation is the end of an episode in history. When a half of Wmatsui is gone, it would cause a huge effect to popularity. Will SKE48 without a pillar like Rena decline?...this pessimism started to float around, but Jurina said with confidence “It will be alright. Surely be alright! 7th gen and draft 2nd gen kids are all earnest. They are trying with all their might. When I look at them, I think of us 1st gen because the passion they have toward SKE48 is the same as us. They made me feel that ‘we will beat AKB48’ For members from 2nd gen below…Rena-chan’s graduation could be their most important turning point. Nakanishi Yuka-chan’s and Sato Mieko-san’s graduation before could also be encouragement for them. So, it will be alright!”

As 1st gen member and unshakeable ace, Jurina who has been the center of SKE48 until now will bring the new SKE48 after Rena graduated forward. Of course, everyone would think like this. But in Jurina’s mind, there is something unexpectedly different.

“I do not expect SKE to be like this or that. Everyone doing what they want with the feeling like they have right now is enough. I would not be happy if I said that we need to be like this and everyone is just too cautious to do anything. It is not necessary. About me leading everyone, I do not think that I have to lead anymore. This might be from when I listened to ‘Mae no Meri’ In ‘Mae no Meri’, there is a verse ‘Youth is a winding road. Even we fell, we will get up again. Hope is strength. We are still alright’ I think this is what Rena-chan wants to tell us. My youth is SKE48, so the feeling like ‘I want to hurry up and do something for SKE48’ or ‘I want SKE48 to be number 1’ these feelings are strong. We want to leap forward. I realized that being too strict or preaching others just because I am good at it is terrible. SKE48 members have a good attitude to learn enthusiastically by observing, I do not even have to say a thing. So, I am not worried”

AKB48 that was established in 2005 will reach its 10th anniversary this December. In another 3 years, in October 2018, SKE48 that was established in 2008 will also reach its 10th anniversary. When SKE48 mark 10-year anniversary, how will they be?...the only thing we can tell is that when the day comes, Jurina will still be working wholeheartedly as SKE48 member.

“Of course, I will still be here when 10th anniversary comes. 3 more years, I will be 21 by then. It still does not reach the age as Rena-chan is now. It is alright. Even though Masana said she will be here until 30, she might not be here by the time of 10th anniversary anyway. So, when it comes, I will make Rena-chan who is strict as an idol think ‘let’s go see SKE48 live’ To make her think that, I need to try hard in these 3 years. I want her to come and speak to me ‘I like SKE48 the most, after all. Jurina, thanks for your hard work. You did well’”

When I look at the kids, I think of us in the past

[idolizerp]

[ LOADING INFORMATION ON DAYDREAM’S MAIN RAP KWON BORAM…. ]

DETAILS

CURRENT AGE: 19 DEBUT AGE: 17 SKILL POINTS: 10 VOCAL | 06 DANCE | 15 RAP | 08 PERFORMANCE

INTERVIEW

as a skilled rapper in a group with a dreamy, girlish concept, boram specifically needs to be flexible - she must have strong rap abilities while being able to sit back and suit daydream’s softer songs when need be. she also originally auditioned for midas media to be a vocal trainee, and while those skills have taken a back seat while she developed her rap, she does still have a relatively strong singing voice for a main rapper. as such, the company aims to promote her as the can-do-it-all member, a jack of all trades. boram spends much of her free time trying to master new skills, whether for variety shows or performances. in reality, while she is flexible, boram struggles with picking up new skills easily and requires a lot of practice and help reaching a publicly acceptable standard. to further complicate things, she is not a particularly strong dancer - in any other group she would do fine, but since daydream puts such emphasis on their dance, she tends to lag behind the other members when learning choreography and needs more help and attention to reach the same high level. she is, however, good at selling herself as better than she really is, by ad-libbing and overcoming any obstacle with a ridiculous amount of confidence.

in order to match the image midas wants for her, boram’s on-screen personality is meant to be that of a bubbly, hardworking, can-get-knocked-down-but-never-gives-up type. that’s not too much of a stretch for her, but seeing as everyone in the idol industry must be hardworking and driven to have any kind of success, it doesn’t exactly make her stand out from the crowd. it does frustrate her a lot that she cannot vocalize any of her struggles as she works to meet midas’ standards regarding her skills outside of her position as a rapper, but again, this is no different from any other rookie idol.

midas does play up her reversal charms. being daydream’s main rapper means that the more impressive of her rap techniques - freestyling, rapping quickly, et cetera - are on display outside of their songs, usually at fan meetings or on variety shows. because she can’t show off as much in their music, these skills seem all the more impressive when done in contrast to her usual cute image. her tendency to make old man-style puns has been noticed by daydream stans and encouraged by midas staff, since as a younger member of the group it provides some more reversal charm. her blonde hair is meant to help keep her image girlish and playful enough to fit with the group’s concept, but boram has had it bleached since debut and would like to dye it darker and allow healthy hair to grow out again.

BIOGRAPHY

march 10th, 1999 - 3:48 am

after a roller coaster fourteen hours - including her mother going into labour five weeks early and an emergency c-section - kwon boram is born. she fills her brand new lungs and screams loud enough for patients in the next hall over to hear.

may 4th, 2002 - 4:08 pm

boram’s mom shows up after a long day of kindergarten, but before they can go home, the teacher pulls her aside for a “quick chat”. on the drive home boram gets lectured about getting along with the other kids, and to play with them sometimes instead of just staying in the corner with a picture book. boram sulks and whines about it, but makes a mental note to share the book with hoon, the only other quiet kid in the class.

june 23rd, 2006 - 7:17 pm

her mom’s side of the family is over for dinner, and boram’s older cousins are hanging out in her room as they wait for her dad to finish cooking. they brought cds to play, and they’re chatting with each other about something else over the music, but boram can’t bother to even pretend to pay attention. she’s heard them scream about super junior in the past, sure, but she’s never really listened closely to the music - now that it’s blasting through her stereo, it’s infectious. it’s nothing like the trot songs her parents are always playing, or the classical music they force her to listen to on sundays so that she can be “cultured”. it’s exciting, energizing, fun. she borrows a few from the eldest, signs a contract swearing not to allow any damage to happen to the discs, and plays them in her walkman for a full week.

october 29th, 2008 - 6:53 pm

boram isn’t exactly shy, but she is quiet, and really only speaks up when she has something to say. so while she does like to sing with her family and friends, it comes as a bit of a surprise when she signs up for the talent show at the elementary school festival. she stands onstage - knees knocking, palms sweating, microphone held too close to her mouth. but the moment she starts, all that fades away, and any embarrassment completely dissolves away. afterwards her classmates laugh and clap her on the back and chat about how they “never knew!” she had it in her, and she laughs along, but she’s too full of adrenaline to be able to properly answer them.

february 16th, 2013 - 1:21 pm

boram is good at writing, so she’s told her parents she wants to go into journalism. but a nagging feeling in her gut combined with seeing a poster right after getting back a bad grade on an essay resulted in her putting her name down for midas media auditions. she knows it’s a long shot, she knows it’s a huge company, but she goes in anyway, driven by a simple need to see if she could do it. she sings girls generation’s “into the new world”. she is shaking from nerves, but manages to keep her voice steady. she makes it to the next round.

december 22nd, 2013 - 11:45 am

it’s stupid, really - a comment from an annoying family friend, who was going to law school in america and was practically flunking out. but it got under boram’s skin, and she sits again at her desk to revise her plan. if not being an idol, then what? she’s been training at midas for just under a year now, and while her parents still begged her to keep a backup plan ready she had never thought about doing anything else since she signed the contract with the company. suddenly she begins to doubt her goal and her ability to achieve it, and comes back from her brief visit home feeling more sick and stressed than she ever has as a trainee.

november 18th, 2014 - 9:45 am

boram is called in for a meeting and is told to focus on her rap. she’s been singing since she was old enough to try, and the change hits her hard. while she has been training rap alongside vocals this whole time, she doesn’t feel as if it could ever be a part of her identity - at least, not the way being a vocalist was. another trainee tells her it might be a good thing, since midas may be trying to fit her into a future group.

january 8th, 2015 - 10:02 pm

she and several other girls have been selected to train for a group to debut within the next two years - they haven’t yet been told more than that, though midas insists that they will be briefed on a concept “as soon as the idea is more solid”. but many of the others are dance trainees, on a completely different level than boram, and the choreography definitely reflected that. she made ten times more mistakes than the others, drawing rehearsal way longer than it otherwise would be, exhausting everybody and frustrating the choreographer. at this point boram didn’t mind being yelled at and humiliated as much as she hated her inadequacy and was terrified of being kicked out and excluded from whatever plans midas had for her.

september 1st, 2016 - 2:10 am

daydream was done promoting their debut single. boram is exhausted, aching, bruised. she’s pulled maybe a dozen muscles in each of her legs over the past few weeks and her cheeks are hard and painful after having to hold a smile every day for weeks. she feels completely exhilarated.

march 10th, 2018 - 3:56 am

kwon boram takes a break from practicing choreo and checks the time on her phone. she’s officially nineteen years old. she pauses the music to allow herself a moment to catch her breath and mulls over the past few years in her head. she’d improved her dancing, and though it still didn’t come naturally it was much better than it once had been. daydream had released some songs and gotten some buzz, but they remained only talked about every once in a while. she felt static, uncomfortably still, her muscles begging her to let them move. boram gulps down some water and turns the music back on.

[merilly-chan]

I hope we’ll get some clarification soon on the D23 Kingdom Hearts Theater Fan Event Thing being held on February 10th.

First of all, there’s no guarantee Kingdom Hearts 3 will make an appearance or in what shape or form since there has been no confirmation whatsoever as far as I know that it will be part of this, unlike last D23 in Anaheim.

Of course the odds are in our favor due to a variety of reasons, including but not limited to the game being scheduled to come out this year and being in dire need of some more promotion, Nomura saying they were going to take a short break and it has been half a year then, all Disney worlds confirmed to be revealed before the release, and the most important factor: the event is ~1 hour and 20 minutes long. While such a long event certainly can be filled with past titles and the future of KHUX in a jiffy, I doubt they would make it this exclusive just so people can experience games anew they’ve likely played a thousand times already. Another spectacular announcement concerning a whole new title likely won’t make it anyway since this is THE year of KH3.

So, chances are fairly good there’ll be at least some news regarding KH3. If it’s a trailer, who knows, but at least some form of interview, screenshots, music, etc. would be plausible.

Which brings me to the main point. I’d like to know if there will be a livestream of the event and, consequently, whether they will once more do this exclusive information type again which put everyone in a rage two years ago. Square/Disney should make it exceptionally clear this time whether everyone who is not attending the event, which has a limited quantity of tickets which can only be gotten via some sort of raffle, will see something of the event in the form of a video posted on YouTube, a livestream, etc. closely after or during the event itself. And not two months later. It does not matter to me if attendees will receive a special piece of information, maybe after a stream has ended, the only thing I do not want is the disaster from D23 Japan 2016 repeating itself where the trailer was only posted roughly two months later.

That’s why I’d like to see some form of official statement regarding this. Whether people’s expectations of what is being shown are betrayed is our own fault in the end but especially last time, there was this whole hype being built up that D23 was the place to be for new information and then there was nothing for those who couldn’t attend.

Personally, I’d like to keep my expectations low so I won’t be disappointed. But considering this is the scheduled release year of Kingdom Hearts 3, keeping too much information concealed and only made available to a small crowd of lucky people does not seem like a smart idea. What happened in 2016 was unfortunate but bearable, considering the game was still nowhere near completion and any type of information was not really promotion but an update on the status at best.

Yet, this is not the case anymore. Quite frankly, KH3 needs the publicity, the marketing and the promotion now and this would be a terrible time to unravel a trailer to only a small audience and then make it available to the world two months later. This year should have an adequate amount of information which should be well proportioned and preferably not set a variety of fans into a fit of rage because of major exclusive content.

Two trailers within barely one month may seem great at first glance but it is not so terrific anymore when there’s nothing the next six to ten months. I’d personally prefer smaller tidbits over the year with sufficient gaps, which D23 would provide.

Let’s say KH3 arrives in Q4, then D23 Japan, E3 and TGS would be great events to do more marketing, with other events being possible but having less of a history with KH. The events are wide enough apart not to be overwhelmed left and right and sufficiently large to appeal to people. Especially E3 since the world’s eyes are on that event more than Japan based conventions.

Either way, it’s hard to tell if there’s going to be a livestream or at least information posted directly after the event. While SE certainly is no stranger to livestreaming, D23 Japan has more of a reputation for only disclosing little of what was shown to the public in regards to KH3, even going so far as to put an embargo on attendees for awhile to just speak about it. I hope, however slim that hope is, they will handle it similarly to D23 2017 in Anaheim or at least like the Orchestra trailer, but an announcement would be appreciated, especially for those in different time zones. No one wants to get up at 5 in the morning if they are usually asleep at that time and then see or hear nothing outside of tweets or forum posts presented by attendees. (Which are always appreciated as well but simply cannot compare to the actual experience.)

In the end, it would just be nice to get some sort of confirmation whether the rest of us can expect something during or shortly after the event. If not for the sake of being well-informed, then to prevent another outrage. I know there was never a confirmation that the showcasing of this event will be, if only partly, made public. Or whether there’ll be any KH3 at all since an interview said they didn’t know yet when there’ll be more. But with the release coming closer and closer, I can also understand expectations and hopes building up when being teased this much through articles/interviews. It doesn’t take much to confirm or deny that there’ll be information made available. It’ll prevent another outcry of those fans who are becoming easily furious and negativity spreading. Even bad press is good press may not apply to video games.

While Disney makes the ultimate decison and while I also implore people to remain calm if the worst case scenario takes place, what’s the point in keeping such things a secret, especially when people know how the fanbase will react? They’re certainly not oblivious to this and while the fanbase may be disappointed if they deny us access to what is shown, at least we have a clear answer beforehand and no needless hype being crushed and the internet being overwhelmed by salty fans.

All I wish for is some clarity on the matter. No hints at what could possibly be shown, just a tweet saying the event will be streamed for example or the content will remain exclusive.

[bigyack-com]

How Big Tech Is Turning New York Into a Silicon Valley Rival

When Facebook was searching for another New York office, one big enough to fit as many as 6,000 workers, more than double the number it currently employs in the city, it had one major demand: It needed the space urgently.So after the company settled on Hudson Yards, the vast mini-city taking shape on Manhattan’s Far West Side, existing tenants were told to move and a small army of construction workers quickly began to revamp the building even before a lease had been signed.Facebook’s push to accommodate its booming operations is part of a rush by the West Coast technology giants to expand in New York City. The rapid growth is turning a broad swath of Manhattan into one of the world’s most vibrant tech corridors. Four companies — Amazon, Apple, Facebook and Google — already have big offices along the Hudson River, from Midtown to Lower Manhattan, or have been hunting for new ones in recent months, often competing with one another for the same space.In all, the companies are expected to have roughly 20,000 workers in New York by 2022.Cities across the United States and around the world have long vied to establish themselves as worthy rivals to Silicon Valley. New York City is certainly not anywhere close to overtaking the Bay Area as the nation’s tech leader, but it is increasingly competing for tech companies and talent.New York’s rise as a tech hub comes as industries that have long dominated the city’s economic landscape are transformed by technology, and are themselves increasingly reliant on software engineers and other highly skilled workers. The growth in New York is occurring largely without major economic incentives from the city and state governments. Officials are mindful of the outcry last year over at least $3 billion in public subsidies that Amazon was offered to build a corporate campus in Queens.The retail behemoth, stung by the backlash, canceled its plans abruptly in February. It is continuing to add jobs in the city, although at a slower pace. Still, Amazon’s announcement last month that it would lease space in Midtown for 1,500 workers renewed a debate over whether incentives should be used to woo huge tech companies to New York.Opponents of the earlier deal, including Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Democrat of Queens, said Amazon’s decision to expand in Manhattan showed that New York was so attractive that tax breaks were unnecessary. Others responded that the Hudson Yards space the company was leasing paled next to the campus proposed for Long Island City, Queens, and to the 25,000 people Amazon had pledged to employ there.Tech companies are choosing New York to tap into its deep and skilled talent pool and to attract employees who prefer the city’s diverse economy over technology-dominated hubs on the West Coast. New York is also closer to Europe, an important market.“For a long time, if you lived in the broader tech sector, there was inertia that brought you to Silicon Valley,” said Julie Samuels, executive director of Tech: NYC, a nonprofit industry group. “So many people wanted to live here and move here, but felt the jobs weren’t here. Now the jobs are here.”Google has grown so quickly and is so squeezed for space that it is temporarily leasing two buildings until a much larger development in Manhattan near the Holland Tunnel, St. John’s Terminal, is ready in 2022.The big tech firms started in New York with small outposts. Google’s first New York employee, a sales worker, arrived in 2000, and worked out of a Starbucks in Manhattan. It was the company’s first office outside California. Tech industry offices were once mostly filled with sales and marketing employees who needed to be closer to their customers and to industries like fashion, finance, media and real estate that power the city’s economy. Over the past five years, though, the makeup of the companies’ combined New York work force has come to resemble the West Coast version: a mix of engineers and others involved in software development.At Google’s New York office, highly skilled workers now outnumber their colleagues in sales and marketing. Of the nearly 800 job openings that Amazon has in the city, more than half are for developers, engineers and data scientists.“Every line of business and every platform is represented quite healthfully,” said William Floyd, Google’s head of external affairs in New York, the company’s largest office except for its Mountain View, Calif., headquarters. “Not everyone wants to be in California.’’Oren Michels, a tech adviser and investor who sold Mashery, a company based in San Francisco, to Intel in 2013, said that New York City had become a refuge for tech workers who did not want to be surrounded solely by those working in the same industry.“You have younger engineers and those sorts of people who frankly want to live in New York City because it’s a more interesting and fun place to live,” he said. “San Francisco is turning into a company town and the company is tech, both professionally and personally.”Mr. Michels said that his family had bought a home in Manhattan in 2014 with a plan to split their time between San Francisco and New York. They soon decided to live full time in New York, where Mr. Michels is on the boards of four tech firms.The number of tech jobs in New York City has surged 80 percent in the past decade, to 142,600, from 79,400 in 2009, according to the New York State Comptroller’s office. (The business services industry, which includes accountants and lawyers and is the largest private sector, employed 762,000 people in 2018, according to the comptroller’s office.)Since 2016, the number of job openings in the city’s tech sector has jumped 38 percent, an analysis for The Times by the jobs website Glassdoor found. In November, New York had the third-highest number of tech openings among United States cities, 26,843, behind just San Francisco and Seattle.It is not only the biggest tech firms that are growing in New York. From 2018 through the third quarter of 2019, investors pumped more than $27 billion into start-ups in the New York City region, the second most in that time for any area outside San Francisco, according to the MoneyTree Report by PwC-CB Insights. (Nearly $100 billion was invested in start-ups in the Silicon Valley area in that period.)Industries like finance, retail and health care provide more jobs, but the tech sector, with an average salary of $153,000, has become one of New York City’s main economic drivers. That has raised concerns about whether the industry is intensifying income inequality and making New York unaffordable for more people. The four big tech companies “attract thousands of out-of-state employees with advanced degrees and work experience, and drive unprecedented influxes in luxury rentals, rent hikes, and the flipping of buildings and private homes,” said Kiana Davis, a policy analyst at the Urban Justice Center. “It should go without saying,’’ she added, “that middle-income, low-wage, poor and unemployed residents in these cities cannot access the luxury housing market nor the rising rents and have been driven out of their communities as a result.”Jonathan Miller, president of Miller Samuel, a real estate appraisal firm, said that the residential market in Manhattan had been strong in areas where the tech firms had grown.“I speak to brokerage groups twice a week, and the conversation is always peppered with questions about the tech sector,” Mr. Miller said. “If you have 20,000 employees coming in who are high-wage earners, that can have a pronounced impact.”The major tech firms are expected to grow to the point that they are among the largest private tenants in New York in the coming years, rivaling longtime leaders like JPMorgan Chase. Among companies in the technology, advertising, media and information industries, Google and Facebook are now the largest tenants, beating out legacy companies like Condé Nast, News Corp. and Warner Media, according to an analysis performed for The Times by the real estate company Cushman & Wakefield. Facebook employs 2,900 people in New York, and recently signed the lease at Hudson Yards for 1.5 million square feet in three buildings. In addition to providing space for 6,000 workers, the deal gives the company an option to take over another several hundred thousand square feet in the development. Facebook executives initially set their sights on a marquee building on Madison Avenue in the Flatiron district, not far from the company’s existing offices, according to a person familiar with Facebook’s plans.But then Facebook executives toured Hudson Yards and were impressed with the amenities, including shops and restaurants, and with the short walk to major subway lines.A deal was struck in November, but with a requirement on Facebook’s part that about 300,000 square feet in two buildings, 30 and 55 Hudson Yards, be ready very soon. Workers were immediately brought in to begin preparing the space and to move out existing tenants. Two blocks east, Facebook is close to signing a lease for about 700,000 square feet in the 107-year-old James A. Farley Building across from Pennsylvania Station, according to three people familiar with the deal. The property, also known as the Farley Post Office, is being renovated by the Related Companies and another developer, Vornado Realty Trust. More than 2,500 employees could eventually work there. (The Wall Street Journal first reported on the potential lease.)“It’s hard to predict future growth, but we believe New York is a vibrant market with a tremendous pool of talent,” a Facebook spokeswoman, Jamila Reeves, said. She declined to comment on the company’s specific plans.Just north of the Farley building, Amazon said recently that it had signed a lease for 350,000 square feet in a building on 10th Avenue near Hudson Yards, enough space for 1,500 employees. The social media company LinkedIn, whose New York offices are not far away, in the Empire State Building, recently said it would expand to four additional floors in the landmark property.The tech titan whose intentions in New York are probably least known is Apple. Executives at the company, which has had an office in the Flatiron area, have toured buildings in that neighborhood and in the Hudson Yards area but a deal has not yet been signed. Apple has inquired about leasing much less space than other big tech companies, roughly 50,000 square feet.Apple declined to comment.For every West Coast company with a household name that has expanded in New York, there are many large but lesser-known firms with headquarters in the city. One, Datadog, which provides cloud-based software for businesses, went public in September and is valued at $10.5 billion. The company has 480 employees in its New York offices, up from 125 three years ago. Read the full article

[thyevilqueen]

Fic recs : Doctor/Rose fics (2017)

I’ve been rather busy most of the year, but now I have some time to add Doctor/Rose fics to my calibre library, so I’m compiling a list as I pick & download them via calibre. 

These are fics posted/finished/updated on Ao3′s Doctor/Rose tag from 15th January 2017 until present 10 May 2017 hat I have read and loved; and I want to keep these fics forever.

The cut-off date of 15th January 2017 is because apparently that’s the last time I downloaded fics to my calibre library properly (yeah it’s been awhile).

Anyway, here’s the list !

- - - - - - - - - 

In Between by justbygrace - (and everything else by justbygrace) - historical AU based on true story

A Fight for Love and Glory by Chocolatequeen - "They keep trying to split us up, but they never, ever will." That's what the Doctor had said a few weeks ago, during the Olympics. Now they were going to find out if his words were a prophetic claim, or a dare the universe couldn't ignore.

Perfectly Matched series by HiddenTreasures -  There's a universe where people can find their soulmates through writing messages to each other on their arms. This is how James McCrimmon and Rose Tyler find each other and fall in love.

Your Touch by ofhopesanddreams -  (WIP) - The Void doesn’t pull Rose through, but something comes out. Rose is trapped in her mind with a creature intent on consuming her, and the Doctor’s touch may be the key to stopping it.

blinking by Lvslie - (WIP) - In the middle of investigating the case of Will Byers, the Doctor and Donna make contact with ... Well, exactly, what?

A Sexuality by Cherazor - Tonight is the night. The Doctor prepares himself for his first night -together- with Rose.

Kallisti* by JessaLRynn - The Doctor assures her this is the weirdest planet they will ever set foot on. A truer statement has never been made, as Rose soon finds out.

*Kallisti is actually an old fic and I already have a copy of it, but since it was posted for the first time on ao3 on 6th February, I’m adding it to this list anyway. It is excellent, and includes a Doctor x Rose wedding.

Taking Time by Chocolatequeen - in fact, the entire “Being To Timelessness” series is my personal favourite series re-write with Rose. 

Anywhere You Are by Chocolatequeen -  If home is where the heart is, then...

An Ever-fixed Mark by Chocolatequeen - The Doctor had had plans, once. Plans that had been derailed in a barren room in Canary Wharf. But Time has plans of her own, and has brought Rose home. Now, after the slightest deviation from the timelines, it’s time for the Doctor to carry out his plans.

The Same Old Story by Chocolatequeen - Together, the Doctor and Rose have defeated the Cybermen and Daleks. They’re ready to go home and celebrate their close call, but then Rose remembers that they still have a few things they need to tell her mum.

Ain't No Vunos High Enough by gingergallifreyan -  Rose wanders through the woods one day when she happens upon a strange cave. She doesn't expect to find another world - or a handsome man - within.

The Magic Teapot by mountaingirlheidi -  Rose makes a new friend in an alien market while the Doctor takes care of some business, and this chance meeting has the potential to change her future. Will she let it?

Lab Mates by WhoInWhoville -  Rose has this gorgeous physics professor. But he’s also her psych partner. And he has her tied up in knots.

That Fruit & Veg Fic by WhoInWhoville -  It's been said that the produce aisle is a great place to meet new friends.

Death Cannot Stop True Love by Chocolatequeen -  It's a familiar scene. Cybermen and Daleks, and a lever that won't stay locked. But this time, Rose holds on just a little bit longer. This time, she does something no one expects. This time, he'll discover that she made her choice a long time ago, and she's never going to leave him.

The Doctor, the Face, and the Bad Wolf by WhoInWhoville * -  France, 1940, and three Allied operatives are stuck deep behind enemy lines, pursued by the notorious Master. Will the Doctor be able to get himself, his friends and the game-changing secret they are keeping safely back to England before the Master gets to them first?

* another old fic that I already have a copy of, but worth a re-read

The Rogue and the Rose by WhoInWhoville -  He comes to her by moonlight, and they rendezvous in secret, away from the all-seeing eyes of her fiancé.

Child of Earth by Lumendea -  Rose Tyler is in her final year of uni. but the universe isn't going to make it easy for her. Too many enemies know that this is their last chance to destroy her before she vanishes with the Doctor and have plans in motion that threaten not only Rose but her entire planet. Thirteen full episodes and seventh in the Guardians of the Universe series.

The Thing About Pears in Agadoo by mountaingirlheidi, SelenaTerna - The Doctor takes Rose to Black Lace for a special concert, and there's a situation with a pear. Because of course there is.

ain't no sunshine by Lvslie -  “I’m not a hallucination,” she repeated, eyebrows drawn together. “I built a dimension cannon and ripped my way through a rift. I came back.”

Old Friends, New Promises by Chocolatequeen -  Two weeks after Rome, the Doctor and Rose are just settling into their newly confessed love when a phone call from Mickey pulls them back to London. When they run into an old friend of the Doctor's, the reunion sparks a promise to Rose that will bring them even closer together.

Precious by naturalblues - (WIP) -  It's the high Sixties, and Ronald Laing has made a mistake -- his loneliness and fear make him cling to a loveless relationship that's about to go too far. Suddenly, the only woman he has ever been in love with comes back into his life. Somehow, he's got to set things straight for himself; especially if he hopes to continue to help others.

That Mother-of-The-Bridezilla Fic by WhoInWhoville -  Sylvia Noble: Mother-of-the-Bridezilla. But Donna, Rose, and Jonathan Smith are quite adept at standing up for themselves.

Frustrated Inspiration by SelenaTerna -  Rose and the Doctor try to find a missing prince, but Inspiration seems to get in the way.

- - - - - - 

Up to 10th May 2017. To be continued.

As I went through ao3, I realised that I have missed out on many fics by brilliant writers that I haven’t yet read, so I’ve bookmarked those too! And suddenly I have a long to-read list again :)

[paulc1st]

World Mental Health Day 2019

I did post this post as a status update on my Facebook and on my Twitter feeds (@Paulc1st and @Paulc2nd) both on 10th October for it being World Mental Health Day 2019 on that date but I thought I would do a blog as well to mark the occasion even if it is a couple of days old - I am posting this on Saturday 12th October. I thought I would explain about the mental health conditions that I suffer from - see my previous blogs:

http://itspaulc1stmyautism.blogspot.com https://itspaulc1stmyhoarding.blogspot.com https://itspaulc1stmyanxiety.blogspot.com https://itspaulc1stwaaw.blogspot.com https://itspaulc1stwmhd.blogspot.com https://itspaulc1stmhaw2019.blogspot.com

and give an update to the help I am getting.

So, without further ado, here is what I suffer from and the help I get:

1.) Autism with anxiety - I was diagnosed with Autism and Anxiety in May 2016 at the age of 36 - see my blog above. At the time it was explained that I am at the higher end of the scale and that a few years ago I would've been diagnosed as having Aspergers but now everybody is classed as being on the Autism spectrum. Although my autism with anxiety isn't as bad as a lot of people, I do still have my problems with it. It was obvious to my Mam and Dad, and a lot of my mates, due to their reaction on Facebook in 2016 when I posted my diagnosis, that I had it as they had noticed it in me for years but I refused to get help until 2015 when I was put on the list to see a specialist and was diagnosed on the same day as my appointment in 2016. I manage day to day and it hasn't effected me loads.

The main things that I suffer from with my autism with anxiety are: 1.) Routines - Examples of my routines are things like where I have to upload my vlogs to my YouTube channel on a Sunday night and fill in my diaries and organisers and start all of my other tasks like tidying my flat on a Monday night. If I don’t do this, I couldn’t do it on another day. I would have to wait until the following week. This may be difficult for people to understand if they don't have it themselves but it is hard. 2.) Anxiety - See my blog above about this.The way I would explain about my anxiety is that I worry a lot about certain things and I have to confirm things a lot and double check things a lot. An example of this is if I try and ring someone and I can’t get hold of that person straight away I don’t think what any normal person would think and leave it until that person sees my missed call and rings me back.I will ring several times until I can get hold of the person. To the person that I am trying to get hold of this may be annoying but I cannot help it. It is part of my anxiety.

Another part of my anxiety is confirming things to make sure things haven’t changed. For example, if I am due to meet someone on a certain day at a certain time, even though I know what time the appointment is, I always have to ring and confirm several times in the days leading up to the appointment or on the day of the appointment to check everything is still okay.

These are the main parts of my anxiety so if you ever find me ringing you several times or find me confirming plans several times, please be patient. I don’t mean to be annoying. It is part of my anxiety. Another thing for the anxiety side of things was I was referred to my G.P. who asked me to contact Talking Therapies.I did this and was put on a waiting list in July 2016 and saw a woman who I didn’t think helped at all from November through to December 2016.I did see an employment advisor as well through Talking Therapies who helped me a lot more with issues I had at work at the time.

2.) Hoarding - See my blog above about this. Although I haven’t had a diagnosis of it, it is pretty obvious I suffer from this condition. I had kept this hidden up until recently and when I put photos of it on Facebook I was given support from my mates about it.

At my Autism diagnosis I was asked if I needed help with anything and I said I needed help with tidying my flat. At the time of my diagnosis, it was in such a condition that someone I know in the police said it looks like the type of place they would break into to find a dead body. The specialist asked my Mam and Dad if my bedroom was like this when I lived at home and they said yes. Because of this, I was referred to get help from Adult Social Services at North Tyneside Council who in turn referred me to the Mental Health Renablement Team and Safe and Healthy Homes, both services provided by North Tyneside Council. Safe and Healthy Homes arranged for a fire safety check to be carried out on my flat. 

In 2016 when the fire brigade came out they told me that they wouldn’t enter my flat as there was no safe passage and was more of a risk to them getting injured. Through the Mental Health Renablement Team I was assigned two mental health renablement officers who came in twice a week to help me tidy my flat. However, the mental health renablement officers were only meant for short term so in December 2016 and January 2017 I was assessed by North Tyneside Council Adult Social Care to see if I would pass for a personal budget that I wouldn’t see but would pay for a Personal Assistant to come in and help me. I passed for that and got a P.A. who used to help me twice a week with my flat.I fell out with that P.A. in February this year when I called her bluff on something and she said she didn’t want to work with me anymore. I then got another P.A. in March this year from the same company for only a month. The reason it was only a month was I only get 10 hours with my P.A. and she didn’t have any car insurance for work so if I needed to go anywhere she said we’d get the bus which would cut into my time so I got rid of her. I then got a Support Worker from a different company in June this year but she was taken out after a month for health and safety.

At present I am in between support workers.

In August 2017 I had a second fire safety check carried out on my flat and the fire officer carrying out said they would enter but my living room was highly flammable with all the material in it like DVDs and books. I had a third fire safety check carried out on my flat in August of 2018 and the fire safety officer who came out said my hoard isn’t the worst he’s seen and, again, said they would enter. For my living room he used the term “fire loading” which means there are a lot of items that would feed a fire and he said if a fire ever broke out in my flat, by the time they got here, it would be well ablaze. I had a fourth fire safety check in my flat in August 2019. The fire safety officer who came out said there were obstacles in the way for the fire brigade to get past and said each room in my flat is “fire loading” because of the stuff in each room. He did say they would enter though. Considering that when I was first diagnosed with my autism in 2016 and was told then that the brigade wouldn’t enter due to it being too cluttered and there not being a safe passage to them saying now they would enter, there is definitely an improvement because of the help off my support workers but it’s just such a long process and the fireman who came out in 2018 said having hoarding and trying to sort it is like having a full time job. Also, with the fire safety check this year being carried out and the fireman saying each room in my flat is “fire loading”, it goes to show that I do need constant support to deal with my hoarding.

Another big help that I have gained help in is a couple of benefits:

1.) Personal Independent Payment (P.I.P.).                                                           It took two years, three knockbacks and two mandatory reconsiderations but in June 2017 I received a letter to say I had been accepted for Personal Independent Payment due to my disabilities - epilepsy and autism with anxiety.

2015 - I first applied for Personal Independent Payment in the summer of 2015 and went for the assessment in November 2015. Funnily enough, when I went for my assessment behind the Laing Art Gallery in Newcastle, I came across a film crew which, I didn't realise would become so big - I, DANIEL BLAKE. They were using the Newcastle Building Society opposite as the jobcentre. I, DANIEL BLAKE is also about what I was going for but in a different way. Anyway, back onto Personal Independent Payment. I had based the application purely on my epilepsy.

2016 - In January I received a rejection for my application as I didn't score any points. I did a mandatory reconsideration and was turned down again.

May - I receive my diagnosis for autism with anxiety.

June - I applied again for Personal Independent Payment, this time with both my epilepsy and my autism with anxiety. My learning support mentor at Newcastle College helped me fill in the form section by section. She asked me questions on each section and said I had missed a load of information out originally. 

September - Went for the assessment with one of my mental health re-enablement officers.

December - Received a rejection again.2017 - 

In January I put another mandatory reconsideration in.

April - I sent further evidence in to go alongside my mandatory reconsideration - a letter from my mental health re-enablement officer and a report for a PA from North Tyneside Council Adult Social Care.

June - Awarded Personal Independent Payment. 😊It's for extra help for people with disabilities.I know I am entitled to it and I am glad the DWP finally saw sense. 😊

2.) In January 2018 I was referred to a company for debt issues and the support worker who came out, as soon as she saw the state of my flat, said I needed to be taken off Jobseekers Allowance (JSA) and to be put onto Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) for people on the sick. I made an application in April 2018 and was transferred and my support worker came with me to my face to face assessment in June 2018 which resulted in me being put on the sick for 18 months up until December 2019. I am unsure what will happen after then but I will wait and see as it is not a miracle cure. At the end of the day, I could be a lot worse.Although I suffer from these mental health conditions and I am on the sick at the moment for it, I do still volunteer to keep busy through a couple of charities. On the subject of mental health. One of the charities I had been volunteering with since March 2018 and I thought was very positive with mental health decided to dismiss me from their company in May of this year as they couldn’t manage my condition which I was highly disappointed in.

Here is my blog on what happened:

https://itspaulc1stbtdboad.blogspot.com Finally, I would like to give a shout out to some people who are always there to help me for support: Cheers to everyone who helps me. I would like to thank some people for helping me and giving me support:

1.) My family. My Mam and Dad, my brothers and sister-in-laws - For having to put up with me and the way I am. I have put them through a lot and they still stick by me. I do sometimes wish though that my Mam and Dad, especially, understood my autism with anxiety and that it’s not me being “awkward” but is part of my condition. Also, my little Nephew and Niece who always brighten up the day when I see them.

2.) Meegan-Paige Hall - I will always be grateful to Meegan. Meegan was my manager at the Marie Curie shop in Forest Hall from 2014-2015 when I was volunteering there. She had worked with children with special needs in the past in America and said I was displaying classic signs of having autism as mentioned in this blog: http://itspaulc1stmyautism.blogspot.co.uk

My Mam and Dad had noticed it in me for years but when your parents say something you normally block them out but it was at this point, when an outsider noticed it that I thought I should get help and I was given a diagnosis a year later.

3.) My mates - I don’t mean to be putting people aside here but good mates like Christian, Gayle and Helen who we all had a BELTAAAA holiday at Seahouses in 2001, Adam from the D.H.S.S. who I am still in touch with as well.

Also Kerry and Shaun who always stick up for me if I need it and always ask if I am okay if I post a down update on Facebook.

Julia - although we see each other only every few months, you are always there to text as a good mate.

All my other mates but these ones stick out in particular.

4.) Ellie Langford - A special mention has to go to Ellie again. Why ? Well as many of you may know, I upload my vlogs to my main YouTube channel, Paulc1st, every Sunday night, as part of my routine with my autism. If I didn’t do that I would have to wait until the following Sunday. In 2018 I asked Ellie, a graphic design student, if she could design a logo and banner for a second YouTube channel to which I could upload to during the week and get out of a routine. All I said to Ellie was it must contain my new channel name and a picture of a Westie in memory of Charlie.She created a lovely logo and banner which I not only use on my new YouTube channel, Paulc1st Instant Vlogs, but also on a new Instagram, Paulc1stInstant Instagram so I can upload to straight away unlike my main Instagram account where everything has to be in order as well as an Instant blogs account.Just by Ellie doing this small thing it has made a big difference in my routine.

Next year she is going to be helping me on another venture as well and I highly recommend her as a designer.

5.) My support workers - Although I am in between support workers at the moment, if it wasn’t for my previous support workers, I don’t know where I would be.

Although it is two steps forward and one step back with my flat and my hoarding, I wouldn’t know where to start.

6.) Sarah Cushnahan - I will always be grateful for Sarah who was my Learning Support Mentor at Newcastle College when I was given my diagnosis of autism with anxiety.

When I was given the diagnosis she sat down with me over several sessions to go through a draft copy of an application for Personal Independent Payment (P.I.P.) in detail and asked me questions on each section.

It needed extra evidence a few months down the line but if she hadn’t sat down with me and gone through it then I would never have got it as the previous year I only applied on the basis of my epilepsy and missed a load of the form off.

7.) Jacqui Rogers - Like Meegan and Sarah, another person I will always be grateful for is Jacqui who was my support worker through the Monkey Project from January 2018 for debt issues and as soon as she saw the state of my flat realised I needed to be taken off Jobseekers Allowance (JSA) and to be put onto Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) for people on the sick.

She came with me to my face to face assessment in June 2018 which resulted in me being put on the sick for 18 months.

8.) Paul Irwin - Paul was my boss when I was working at Eastcoast Taxis and when I received my diagnosis of autism with anxiety I sat down with him and let him have a copy.Although I knew what I was doing in the job, I didn’t have the best telephone manner but Paul stuck up for me left, right and centre which I 

very much appreciated. In the end though, he had to let me go as the job was getting to me but I will always be appreciative of him.

He also runs Tyne Idols, a bus tour that puts on different events which I love going on.

9.) Billy Shiels - One of my favourite places to go for escapism is Seahouses - maybe it stemmed from the May Bank Holiday Weekend up there in 2001 with Christian, Gayle, Gary and Helen as mentioned above - but I love going up there to try and spot dolphins or just on the Farne Island trips on the Grey Seal cruises and, one particular boat operator, Billy Shiels, is always welcoming when I go up so thanks to them.

10.) Ben Burville - One of my passions is spotting dolphins and during the summer into October, since 2015, I have been going out on the Ocean Explorer to the Farnes Deep to spot White Beaked Dolphins and Ben is a GP based in Amble who has a special licence to dive with the dolphins for research.

I love hearing about the passion he shares with me and when I am out on the boat, again, it’s escapism and great for mental health when you see these mammals close up in the wild just off Northumberland.

11.) Martin Kitching - Martin owns a company called Northern Experience Wildlife Tours who, during the summer months, charter a boat called the JFK Two from the Royal Quays to spot dolphins off the Tyne and in the Farnes Deep.

Off the Tyne we see Bottlenosed Dolphins and White Beaked Dolphins and, again, in the Farnes Deep, White Beaked Dolphins.

From June through to August Northern Experience Wildlife Tours runs 4 hour evening trips from the Tyne up towards Creswell and, even if we don’t see anything, you see the coast from a different point of view which is good in itself and a chance to relax and escape life for a bit.

12.) Film crews - One of my other hobbies is following film crews around the North-East and watching behind the scenes to see how it is all made. 

See the blog below:

http://itspaulc1stfriendlystalking.blogspot.co.uk

I would like to thank certain crew members that know how passionate I am and appreciate me for it. Crew members such as La’Toyah who I first met in 2012 when I was an extra on a Newcastle Brown Ale advert that she was working on, Mark and Davy who I have known since 2001, and some of the Titan lads from the old days. Finally, the two charities that I volunteer for at the moment help me a lot by keeping busy whilst on the sick:

13.) CLICSargent - I have been volunteering with these since 2015, first as a bucket collector at various events and now as a Tin Manager approaching businesses to see if they will take on a charity tin for the company and I have support from a lovely area manager, Dee.

Dee understands my condition and the fact that I have routines which sometimes means the tins are banked a week or so late and this is appreciated.

14.) Springfield Centre in Forest Hall - This community centre is near to where I live and I volunteer as a photographer when they have events on. Although I have my conditions, this blog shows I do have a good support network around me.Having the conditions won’t change me as a person.I have said this before and I will say it again. This is who I am and what I do.I am still the same old Paul - at least it will explain why I act the way I do sometimes. Yes. I have a few mental health problems and I am not afraid to hide away from them as they make what is me as a person. 😊