#FUCK MY STUPID BAKAME MASTER'S LIFE!!!

[dnangelic]

bitterly , he obeys --- his lips tightly shut and twist , his hands balling into clenched fists at his sides as his stare pierces through the other . each lament and despair feels like the heavy slam of an iron mace ; ritsuka staggers away , broken-legged , while the thief's own hollow heart bruises and aches .

why couldn't ritsuka understand ? what would it take to get him to understand ? that sometimes suffering was just suffering , that its so-called meaninglessness was a symptom rather than its own sole hurt , and that what others could call "natural" wasn't always right . the pace of his breaths quickens , and his heart slams against its heavy , shut doors . his own voice , be it out of a simmering fury or tapering shock , trembles a little . ' is that all --- ? ' grit , grimace . ' you're trying to make yourself an exception even though you just called yourself ordinary ? in a place like this ? in a place where even i exist ? ' here , in chaldea , the saints and devils and martyrs . the mortal and immortal , the ancient and the unborn , newborn , never-born ; the simple , the incomprehensible , the hideous and the beautiful , and at every center , the mundane master meant to experience and guide their stories anew . like this , ritsuka had always been a necessity , and beyond even that , a friend . a desire .

how could the other not have mattered ?

' even those emotions , ' no matter just how ugly , ' become undeniable proof that you're here . do you really think you've never suffered even as you're forcing yourself to suffer right now ? when did trying to help others turn into giving yourself up along with it ? ' a kindness rotting out from the inside --- he plucks it , tosses its rind elsewhere and out of his thoughts . ' if you want to keep lying to me and yourself , then fine . do whatever you want . but the reality is , there isn't a single thing in this world that's born with any sort of meaning . that goes for you and me both . '

eternity was eternity . suffering was just suffering . humans were only just human , and things were just things . ' ... the only thing that can change that is someone's heart and feelings . if mine aren't enough for you , ' for just a moment , his expression contorts with a deep and intense hurt , ' then there's nothing i can do . '

ㅤㅤFOR a split second, Ritsuka's expression had faltered, his mask slipping and what was revealed was his desperate, pathetic expression as Dark had forcefully torn the two apart, rejecting the master's tender illusion with the intent to smash that glass wall into pieces.

ㅤㅤHe stumbled back, prepared to accept the loss of their shared warmth and go about as normal but Dark had caught him, forcing Ritsuka to confront the reality of his words.

ㅤㅤAn overwhelming sense of dread suddenly consumed him and a sinking feeling twisted in his gut. His breaths quickened, pounding in his chest. He couldn't breathe. He felt like he was about to break down. He felt like he was about to die from the anxiety of being so exposed and so laid utterly bare before one of the many people he desperately didn't want to be perceived by.

ㅤㅤCornered, Ritsuka found himself rejecting the other in kind, teeth gritting and harshly ripping Dark's hand away from his side, eyes ablaze with anguished tears.

ㅤㅤ" Shut the hell up !!! "

ㅤㅤAh, there it was. His true self.

ㅤㅤ" I told you I was fine, wasn't I ?! " His voice was breaking, nearly on the verge of transforming into sobs. " I get it ... I get it ! I'm ... a coward ! I'm nothing but a hypocrite ! I have no good reason why I should feel the way I do but ... I can't help it ! But that's why ... there's no point in saying any of this when my stupid, meaningless insecurities are worth nothing in the grand scheme of things ! " He staggered backwards, clutching at one side of his face as he desperately fought the urge to break down. Even with all these words spilling out, there was still so much he had left unsaid. " Why should I say anything when there's so many people who've suffered far worse than me ... ? At the very least, if I help them ... I can be of some use, can't I ? " Even now, he still had the audacity to wear a smile on his lips, no matter how desperate and broken it appeared. " ... So what does it matter ? Why does it even matter to you ? I came from a place where I didn't know what it was like to suffer at all so isn't it only natural I keep my mouth ? To hold it all in and pretend it's all okay because ... it doesn't matter. In the end, Fujimaru Ritsuka has always been an ordinary person, barely clinging onto an identity that can only exist because of the people around him. In the end, am I really here ? "