#Except Orpheus. I legit can't think of a single thing he did wrong

[reki-of-the-valley]

Welp, now that the poll has come to a close, here's a list why I think every one of these men are assholes as well as who I think is the biggest asshole here (and the reason for this poll

Disclaimer: I am not completely objective, I have my own biases, and also I don't have a perfect memory so I might forget parts.

First of all, the biggest asshole in my opinion is JASON. I am a Jason hater and a human being second. I will get into his atrocities soon.

Now, each of these men have done terrible things, so let's get through it

PERSEUS: No. Not Percy Jackson. The original Perseus, son of Zeus. Most people seem to ignore the reason for his quest. It's not a demand of the gods or even a prophecy. This man got into a squabble with a dude he hated because the guy wanted to marry Perseus' mother, but couldn't because a) she didn't like him; b) she already had a son and the guy was afraid the son would kill him if he made a move. And also, no, Medusa's head wasn't to protect his mother (Percy Jackson does that, not Perseus.) The reason for the quest was literally the guy asking all his friends (+Perseus) to get gifts for his daughter's wedding, Perseus grumbling that he wouldn't even get her a gorgon head, and the guy taunting Perseus about it, so Perseus goes "Fine! I'll go get your stupid gorgon head!!" Medusa did nothing here. She didn't attack them or anything. She was chilling and this guy comes around and kills her. And that's a dick move in my opinion

JASON: I have beef with this man, so this might be long. I urge everyone to go read or watch Medea by Euripides (it's really something when a man playwright makes a murderous mother seem like the sympathetic one in the relationship). But the tldr of Jason's story is that he's destined to overthrow his uncle, but to do that, his mother has to hide him and ship him to Chiron, which she does. Once grown, Jason goes back home and tries to ask his uncle to give up his tyrannical ways. But his uncle Pelias goes "OK, but on the condition you complete this question" and that's how we get the Argonauts assembly montage. Fast forward the boys in the boat, they make it to Colchis where there's the Golden Fleece, owned by Aeetes, Medea's dad. Now is Jason's time to shine, except no one believes in him, not even the gods, so they basically curse Medea to fall in love and help Jason. A few atrocities later, after grabbing the Golden fleece and running (atrocities that include killing Medea's brother, and getting Pelias' daughters to kill him, atrocities committed by both Medea and Jason btw), the couple are exiled from Jason's homeland and head to Corinth.

Now before I begin chapter 2 of their story, I want everyone to know that Jason, upon meeting Medea, told her he'd love her forever and worship her like a goddess in Greece and all these wonderous promises. Yeah, he didn't keep them. Once in Corinth (after being married to Medea for like 10 years, with 2 kids), Jason abandons her for the new hot and young princess. And Medea is reasonably pissed. And Jason tries to gaslight her into believing that he's doing all this for her, and when she calls out his bullshit and reminds him that she saved him countless times, he basically tells her that his only savior is Aphrodite, and so dismissing all of Medea's loyalty to him. And throughout the play, Jason is just an overall asshole that tries to convince Medea that she's an ungrateful bitch for being mad at him. Seriously, everyone should read/watch Medea

HERACLES/HERCULES: I will not speak of his trials because tbh I don't care about them. He killed monsters, but that's not what makes him an asshole. His family and moving on real quickly. And yeah, I'm a hypocrite for being a Medea Fan and not a Herakles one, but alas. I'm biased. And yeah, Herakles was cursed with madness, but still. I just have huge beef with him since forever. Also, not very happy with the whole "I can't believe I died at the hands of a woman!!! After everything I did, I should have a more glorious death!!!!" thing.

THESEUS: why is he an asshole? Many reasons. You all seem to know them. But we have the whole psycho killer trials where hebstraight up tortures like 6 people on his way to Athens. He gets Medea exiled from Athens (again, I'm a Medea Apologist). Then there's the whole Ariadne thing (depending on the version, either Dionysus swipes Ari from Theseus, or he just abandons her after getting her help to kill her half brother, which is the version I consider canon). Then there's the careless sails thing which ends up with his father committing suicide. And then there's Phaedra's story. He's just an irrational man who thinks he's above everyone. He's not.

ODYSSEUS: I will admit that I am biased towards Odysseus. He's an asshole, but he's my special little asshole. But he's done bad things, like be a mass murderer and be a fucking idiot that hot his whole crew killed after boasting about being a great leader. He also brutally murdered all the suitors, killing "defenseless" men, but I kinda have to defend him? The narration style just doesn't point to him as being a complete asshole and he has his charms. He's an asshole, but definitely not the biggest asshole. And for the whole tossing of Hector's son thing, depends on the source because it could also be Achilles' son who does that. And for the cheating on Penelope, I'm not really on board with that either. Like physically, yes, but also, I'm more tempted to say he's a little forced there. (And iirc he cries every day for Penelope while he's with Calypso). So Odysseus is just. My little asshole (affectionate), but that's my bias.

ACHILLES: OK, I'm so biased because I love Achilles. Not because of TSOA, I know he's not innocent, but the Iliad means everything to me and I just. Achilles has a special place in my heart. But with that said, Achilles is a rapist and an abductor and he's prideful. I won't go into the rape and abduction because let's be honest here, basically all the heroes are to some extent, so it's not him exclusively, but that does make him terrible. He refuses to end the war (which he could do on his own) because he's been disgraced by Agamemnon. He refuses to bury his boyfriend best friend out of grief (both gross and an asshole move because Patroclus can't go to the underworld until he's buried). Made human sacrifices for Patroclus' burial (something that was not regarded as very humane, even back then.) He disgraces Hector by dragging his corpse around. He does asshole things, but I have a weird soft spot for him so I just. Can't put him on the same level as Jason or Agamemnon.

AGAMEMNON: The mythic bitch. Where do I even start with this man. I'd say with him sacrificing his daughter without even consulting his wife. That seems like a good start. Then also the whole abduction and rape thing, but not because that's the unacceptable part (it is, but they kinda all do it, so it doesn't set him apart), but because he refuses Chryseis' ransom (which was a big Greek no-no. You have to accept ransoms, which is why Achilles is less of an ass because he does accept Priam's ransom for Hector's body). Then there's the way he still refuses to give the girl back despite it causing a plague. And he's just overall a terrible leader, a terrible king, and a terrible husband. Clytemnestra was right to kill him. He's a complete bitch. But the only thing that can save him from winning top bitch in my opinion is that he does have a blood curse, so it's "not his fault"

ORPHEUS: I can't think of a single thing he did wrong except piss readers off by looking back. I forgive him, he did it out of love for his wife. He is a good man and the only reason I included him is because I was out of wildly known Greek heroes

CADMUS: Maybe less known? He's Dionysus' grandfather. But he causes his daughter (Dionysus' aunt) to kill her own son because he refuses to believe Dionysus is a god. He also killed Ares' snakes which angers the god. But overall, he doesn't do anything that terrible, I guess?

So if I were to rank these assholes from most to least, in my biased opinion of course, it's Jason, Agamemnon, Herakles, Theseus, Achilles, Perseus, Odysseus, Cadmus, Orpheus.

I'm still feral, so please pick one