#Even then I'd have to go to VA bc that's where I have medicaid

[metaltea]

x

I feel pretty close to doing it ngl. Today was... horrible. Is. It's only 2pm now. Who knows what else could happen between now and tomorrow.

I've been so on edge, unable to calm myself down. On the verge of a panic attack constantly, then having a small one for like 30+ mins... I got my mom to come up here and spend some time w/ me but she was obviously distracted. We ended up talking while I drew, weighing options.

I need the fluid from my ears gone so my anxiety can finally begin to calm down. I can't go anywhere in the car though without having horrifically bad panic attacks, so I'm terrified of driving anywhere, and seeing how the nearest clinic is 30 mins?? Fuck that.

Wondering where I'm going to spend the winter... or even the next month. I should probably be in a mental institution till they can figure out what tf is wrong with me and get me on the appropriate meds. The therapist yesterday said there's a possibility I have bipolar disorder, and that would explain why I feel so unbearably unstable if so. Again, though, the nearest would be at least a 40+ min drive. Wouldn't fix the ear issue.

I can't stay here in this camper bc it's not an all-season one. It's getting cold out, nearing October and I've barely able to comprehend it.

I can't stay in Virginia cause if I stayed with my sib again, well, they're planning to move to New York soon and they're taking the kittens with them ofc. And they seem much happier without me there. If I stay with my sister, she's busy with a job and 2 kids. I can't have one of my screaming panic attacks in front of them.

So yeah. I feel trapped. In my own head from the muffled hearing, in life since idk where I'm going to be in the next month or two, also just knowing nobody wants me around. I know my mom would be so much happier if I wasn't there, free to be with her husband and go about their daily lives without dealing with a load of baggage like me.

She snapped at me when I mentioned suicide and while I can understand why, it still hurt. She said she had a migraine and needed to leave so I'm alone again. Alone with crippling anxiety and racing thoughts. Alone without a solid ground to stand on. Alone without knowing where I'll end up in a month, knowing I'm unwanted to my whole family even if they reassure me, alone in knowing that if I do end up staying in an institution I'll have basically nothing to do but be completely alone with my thoughts around strangers who are possibly loud and/or aggressive. Alone. Just alone.

And yea, suicide is looking like more and more of a good plan. If I go through with it, I should do it here while I'm surrounded by all these guns. On the other hand, I'd have to go out in the woods where my mom wouldn't find me, at least not till I'm unrecognizable. On the other hand I keep telling myself this is temporary and eventually my hearing will come back, eventually I'll live somewhere where I'm wanted and don't have to worry about suddenly having the rug pulled from under my feet, but come on. I've been telling myself that since my friend left. It's been 3 months and it's only gotten worse. I'm worse off than ever. I need help and idk how to get it here. I'm in counselling, I have a doctor who can give me meds, but it's still somehow not enough. My mind keeps screaming out, demanding my attention, trying to protect me from what, suffocation? I know it's irrational but it's been plaguing my thoughts. And idk if therapy can help. Not in time, at least.

So yeah, I just keep telling myself things will get better, but I'm beginning to think that I'm just a horrible liar.

On something more positive I guess, I called the crisis line my therapist recommended and for once someone was there to talk me through a panic attack. The last time I called while I was in VA, they basically just said idk go to ER I guess?? But no the lady sat with me for like 20+ mins. I was still on the verge of a panic attack (and tbh still am) but idk it was nice. I've always heard panic attacks aren't "serious enough" for crisis lines but she said I could call anytime.

Cause like... the panic attacks I've been having aren't normal. They aren't the kind I'd be able to manage back in the day. They're all-consuming, they make me feel like I'm choking/going insane/passing out all at once, they make me scratch myself till I bleed, they make me scream. Maybe that is just bc my hearing is still muffled (and again idk how tf to deal with that) but yeah....

Having the weight of that looming over me with no end in sight also makes the idea of suicide look very pretty and convenient. It'd hurt, but just for a moment, not like these horrible long nights with racing thoughts, broken sleep full of nightmares, the choking feeling in my throat constant and unforgiving.

What do I still have to live for? Like 5 things idk. 1. guilt bc I'd feel bad about mom finding me since she's so sensitive. 2. OFMD s2, 3. Drawing??, 4. Finishing fics??? Idk., 5. I genuinely cannot find a 5th one and that scares me.

Zen, if you're still alive, congrats. You've done it. Your absence completely and utterly ruined my life. I will never be the same again.

My body is actively trying to kill me. I just wish it'd do it sooner, in one fell swoop, fucking give me a heart attack or something. I'm tired of the constant anxiety, the creeping depression, losing all interest and passion and the little things that make me...

yeah. I think I will. I just don't know what way I will. Or when. If life is worth living, then it better give me a fucking miracle real fucking soon. I can't take this anymore. I really can't. I want to get out, I want to get out, I want to get out. I'm tired, I'm aching, I'm scared, I'm guilty, I'm useless. I need help but there's none. Next therapy appointment isn't till monday and wtf are they going to do?? I need to be in an institution and the nearest one is so far away. I'm trapped. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help.

But at the same time I don't want help. I've been asking for it so much, using people, and for what? I'm still going to go through with it. What's it matter?

Why help someone who's more or less already sealed their fate? Besides, it's not like I'll miss much. The world is getting worse and worse. Rights being taken away left and right. Why bother living?