#Eshka Kith'lya

[naerwenia]

Three of our characters got caught and interrogated during our last session! Three different approaches were used:

Delcin, human mechanic/beachbum: I ain’t a snitch, I don’t talk to the police.

Dei, twi’lek pilot: Simple yes or no answers. Nothing more, nothing less.

Eshka, bothan politician: You now have a humiliation kink. 

[naerwenia]

So, our Star Wars campaign's 9th season ended with a bang (seasons are about 10-12 sessions/episodes and there's some themes weaved through it); Mustafar is in pieces as two Star Destroyers crashed there (not directly caused by our group but by the Rakata we fought), our jedis made their own lightsabers (boring swords, even when I gave them so many good suggestions like whips and lances and fans), our organization now has (almost) completed our ship and completed our first mission successfully. We have failed spectacularly, we have succeeded in what matters the most, and it has been fun!

My character, Eshka Kith'lya, of the bothan clan Alya, has been disowned by her family and clan, and her lovers have died, the Hutt she was basically raised by (her parents gave her away for political favours) wants her dead, but she learned Teräskäsi (Iron Hand, a martial art) by completing a mission given to her by a holocron and is a celebrity known for her role in organizing humanitarian aid and as an excellent doctor. She has a bounty on her head, has insulted the former separatist emperor and many other leading powers, and the latest victim of her words was the Rakata we fought.

Some fun things related to the Fantasy Flight Games system we use: there's both wounds and strain, physical and mental durability, and most monsters have defenses or soak to ignore some of the incoming damage that would target wounds. However, most don't have anything against strain damage, and doctors, if making damage, can use a ability to convert Wounds damage to Strain and add the ranks in Medicine and Intelligence to it. So in the end, Eshka punched a Darkghast down with just shock gloves.

While it may seems like Eshka is a menace to society and an absolutely unhinged individual, she has method to her madness. She is an anarchist, wanting communities to govern themselves and does not trust the New Republic, and insulting the politicians is a good way to get them be honest with her about their true goals (again, system gives the ability learn characters true goals, strenghts, and weaknesses, which Eshka is more than willing to use against them). I love playing her, she has grown so much during the years while I have gained confidence too. It's easier to play now, and like Eshka, I have friends now backing my off the wall ideas <3

[naerwenia]

Star Wars RPG: I got to roleplay again ❤️ Eshka Kith'lya, my lovely doctor and diplomat bothan, pissed of the senate by becoming the face of justice & progress and galaxy wide darling of the People. She has had good reputation, some notable appearances, but this was big, and she nailed it, while also humiliating the former Imperial General who has had some unfortunate incidents with us.

This can only go well, right?

We finally had the big fight we've been preparing for over the season, and it was awesome! We still have few sessions in this season, aftermath and celebrating the victory. Our main ship is almost ready and the new jedi order is starting to take form. I love this game, I love our group, my friends and family, I love the story we are creating, and I love how free we are in the game. Together we decided we want to get a ship and become a nonprofit diplomatic organisation, helping solve things through discussions, but we also have few Force users, who are creating their own new Jedi order inside our organisation. Our mission is to help those in need and meddle in everything.

[naerwenia]

Finding my love for Star Wars once again.

I’m so lucky to have such good friends who have kept me in the Star Wars group and helped me get better through years, even when I didn’t know if I actually wanted to play, having lost my interest in Star Wars when my language  teacher chastised me for reading sci-fi, especially Star Wars, and to be “The Good Girl”, I only read classics and poetry. Lately I’ve been listening to all the Thrawn books, Catalyst, more Zahn, and enjoying the Amidala books, finding my admiration for the character again. I got the Star Wars Propaganda book for myself too, as it’s one of those things I would absolutely love seeing more of in the movies and series, just like Eshka Kith’lya, my character in our rpg campaign, uses it to her advantage.

Pic of Eshka Kith’lya by Dingoat

Now I’m writing a short history of our Star Wars RPG campaign and seeing how much everyone has changed! We have more players, more characters, more friends, and more enemies (our enemies <3 Just perfect!). Eshka Kith’lya, my Bothan doctor, has become the face of diplomacy and revolution, when she couldn’t even look into the eyes of her Master in the beginning, only to go against his direct orders later and gaining a powerful enemy. Eshka used to be a pawn in the game of others, being a Bothan sold to a Hutt for political favours, but now directs our own diplomatic alliance that also distributes humanitarian aid around the Galaxy. Power belongs to the people, to the communities, and everyone’s voice should be heard. The change came when I started to feel more comfortable playing, so I felt like I could do more than be the medic, and when I realised the character has negotiation and charm as skills, I used those to help us, even if I didn’t always know what to say as a player, the other players helped.

The campaign is made out of seasons like a tv-series, and between seasons we act as the writers and producers of the series, going through the most impactful moments, what we want in the next season (themes, scenes, genres, etc.), and everything else, like who would the people be shipping and who would be the fan favourite. I’m sure it would be Ral, a human Force user, former Hand of the Emperor, a spy and man of many faces, but Pesmerga, a violet squib mechanic, who’s generally looking like they’re displeased by everything but now has a human pet, Delcin, young man from down under, as an apprentice. But really, operator Valden might be the most loved character, as the whole group loves him. A sith, an imperial operator, only seen as a shadow with a red lightsaber for the first few times, but got away, and then emerged again when Eshka was lost in the Galaxy alone, trying to get back to her crew, and Valden had to team up with her to get into the high society ball for a mission. In return Eshka got a lift back home.

Still, I sometimes wonder why I like Star Wars, or even if I actually like any of it. I’m much more into the books and fan content than the movies or tv-series (though Mandalorian and Book of Boba Fett, as well as Visions, have my attention). Maybe it’s just the fears instilled in me, that I’m not “The Good Girl” if I waste my time with SW, but maybe I can be just a good girl and enjoy what I enjoy, small things that bring me happiness. And if you want to recommend Star Wars books, I’m more than happy to listen!

[naerwenia]

Face of the Empire

So, here's a fic I wrote one night after getting an idea, where Eshka is recruited by Thrawn to work for COMPNOR, to be a face for alien acceptance in the Empire. This was supposed to be a longer story, but I realized I don't actually have a plan for the plot, so this is all for now. Maybe I complete this one day. For now, it's just an unfinished idea without a point, about Grand Admiral Thrawn and my OC/Star Wars rpg character Eshka Kith'lya (who's actually full Bothan rather than just half like in this fic). I tried to smooth out some weird sentences, but I am just a human. When she thought about her future, she didn’t see herself as someone who would ever work for the Empire. She was an anarchist, educated, and more importantly, alien, a half-Bothan to be exact. Not someone who would ever look to work for the Empire, yet here she was, smiling for a picture as the Commission for the Preservation of the New Order crafted the next poster to be spread around, with Eshka as the face of lies.

University of Bar’leth was not the Hutt's first choice for Eshka. He wanted her to continue her studies in Coruscant but new policies prevented that. Credits would have solved that but what good would forcing an alien into an all-human university do? All the politics working in that situation would undermine the core education she was there to get. Her major was medicine, not political science. All social skills and charm were to be learnt on the side while maneuvering in the social circles of university life. Even Eshka knew she wasn’t there to just learn, she had to gather life-long connections, knowledge, and make sure her name would be known. Even if she didn’t have to do all that, her loyalty to the Hutt meant she had to obey his every word. If she didn’t, there was no reason for him to keep her around, she just cost him credits and sometimes gave him a headache, but soon she would take her place in the high society and get to pay back the Hutt’s kindness.

It really was kindness that made him take her under his wing, if any Hutt ever happened to have such quality. He had promised her parents that the girl would get an education and everything she needed, but she’d have to pay back in the end. No amount of credits would pay back the life Eshka was given, but information and favours might, and she was sure if need be, she would be shipped to a foreign lord to secure an alliance. Eshka had her own life until she didn’t, and she was aware of it. This deal, however unbalanced, didn’t come without positives though. Her freedom had been exchanged for fancy dances, extravagant gowns, education, and a name she could drop to get herself out of trouble: Marlo, Leader of the Hutt Council. There was, however, an acknowledgement that if she used that name frivolously, she tied her own name to him even more, and being known as one of the Hutt’s women was not what she wanted. Eshka was a doctor, a half-Bothan, taken care of monetarily by Marlo. That was the lie Eshka told herself, and got most to believe.

That was the first sentence Eshka learnt to tell without it sounding like a lie. She learnt to twist words, to make up the truth she wanted. The way she told everyone what she wanted them to hear, what she wanted them to know, just choosing not to tell the whole truth, just the words that the audience needed to hear. This was the lesson Eshka had learnt from Hutts. If nothing else, she knew how to speak and find her way up the social ladder. Each and every word had such a weight to it, and Eshka hated it. No matter how good she was with the words, she didn’t know how to express her feelings, to give words true meaning. It probably had something to do with the fact she never had a chance to do so. She had friends, caretakers, people to look up to, but also a distant Hutt as the closest thing to a twisted father-figure, so she learnt to keep her distance, to give people what they needed to keep them indebted to her, to have their trust, yet not show what she truly wanted, because she didn’t know that herself.

Not a sound escaped from the lips of the debutantes, the ballroom just stood in silence after Eshka’s impromptu speech. Her voice shook, as the weight of the words shattered any mask she might have been wearing that night. This was not the place she was supposed to be in. This was not her place. She had just told a hall full of young Imperial officers and privileged university students that the only way to peace is through understanding and encouraging societies to govern themselves democratically through local governments, that the Empire may overlook the small, the helpless, less fortunate who were also looked over by the majority, the Emperor is not omnipotent and governing from this ballroom full of gold and crystals is madness, we don’t even know what happens underground at Coruscant, even one floor below, not to mention at the Outer Rim. Too much, she had said too much and at the wrong place. Soon the guards would take her away, she may have been under the protection of a Hutt but spreading rebellious propaganda was a crime. She was an alien, they would take her away, she would lose everything, and these words were her last action, not to be remembered by anyone. An act of resistance in the ivory tower, tears drowned in rain, not even a ripple to be seen in the great ocean of consequences.

“And the only way to prevent this ignorance and lack of oversight is through you, Officers. You are the hands and ears of the Empire, through you, there is peace in the Galaxy”, said a male voice next to Eshka, turning her resistance into Imperial propaganda with just a few words. Eshka knew that voice. It was made of the same weight as hers usually was, one to omit words to tell the truth they wanted in a way that furthered their ideals. Calculated, thought through, precise. They knew what they wanted and Eshka’s sudden outburst only furthered their goals in attending this god-forsaken ball. She was left deciding if she wanted to embarrass herself even more or go with this new narrative. But there was no choice to make as applause arose from the audience, cheering, as the poignant and uncomfortable truth was turned to a morale boost of the century, only assuring the Imperial cadets of their own importance. Only when her hand was taken by the man next to her did she realize that she had just stared blankly at the crowd, and quickly turned her head to see who had taken her hand, the one to lead her out of the trouble she had created for herself. A man in a white suit, red eyes smiling at her. No, she thought, wanting to cry out and run. No, she yelled in her mind as he guided her down the stairs to the dancefloor. No, she screamed yet no words could escape her dry lips. There was no air to fill her lungs so she could express the abject horror she was feeling in the arms of Grand Admiral Thrawn. His grip was tight around her waist, his skin warm against her back, his hand in her hand even hotter, his eyes burning. This is my end, she thought, making peace with herself that she would die in the hands of her enemy, being whisked away after a dance for the greatness of the Empire. Ironic.

As the music stopped, he bowed but did not let go of her hand. “My lady, you look awfully pale. May I offer you some refreshments, and maybe let you sit down?” he said, leading her to the back. He could smell my fear, Eshka said to herself in a haze. He led her to a small room with a chaise lounge, made her sit there and ordered a maid to bring drinks for “my lady”. Eshka wanted to throw up, but only closed her eyes to help herself to gather her own thoughts somewhere else. At least the Grand Admiral gave her the time to catch her breath, then water. Just then she realized, embarrassment crept to her; she, a common student, was keeping Grand Admiral waiting. As soon as the moment really hit her, Eshka had a choice to be made: mask or truth. This time, she decided to let the man talk before she wanted to make her decision, but she had a feeling the Chiss might be already scheming.

“I am terribly sorry for my outburst, Grand Admiral, I may have, no, I stepped over my line, and embarrassed everyone. You saved me as my nerves got to me, and I couldn’t get a word out. You even saved my pride, danced with me, like I hadn’t just fallen into the back of my…” Eshka rambled, but Thrawn silenced her with one look and a hand movement. Nothing got past him. He knew.

“After your insolent speech and blatant propaganda in front of the finest of the Empire…”

“You don’t believe that”.

A smirk on both of their faces.

“But you could make it true”.

That caught Eshka off-guard. What on the Galaxy did he talk about?

“You clearly have a way with words, and know how to make your speech heartfelt, even if misguided for now. So I propose an offer in exchange for me sweeping any accusation that may arise from tonight, you join the Commission for the Preservation of the New Order. You have a human face, which humans find the most appealing, but have features of an alien. The posters…” the Grand Admiral says, looking for the word.

“Propaganda” Eshka suggested, still not exactly knowing what he was going for.

“Propaganda, or information war, needs to appeal to aliens too. You are both. Human and alien, delightfully both.”

Eshka didn’t quite understand, and the word “delightfully” was used so casually she wanted to question him even more. Delightful? She took a deep breath before answering, looking at the floor.

“I’m sorry to inform you that I am not in a position to accept your offer. I am in debt to Marlo the Hutt, who has decided in his great wisdom that I must study medicine and serve him..”

Thrawn seems slightly confused, seeming not to quite catch the meaning of your words though he understood the meaning of each word, so Eshka tried to extrapolate.

“He has given me a life, I am in debt with my life”, she added, and he nodded, understanding the depth of the issue.

“In that case, I still have an upper hand. Either he lets you go to prison, have you disgraced, or lets you join. Then you have the same choice.”

“I… Have a choice?” Eshka asked, not quite believing it, but was put back down immediately.

“No”, Thrawn snapped, his eyes watching her breathing stop and demeanor withdraw back to one of a cornered animal. Interesting. Delightful.

“Then my life is in your hands, Grand Admiral Mitth'raw'nuruodo”, she said in Sy Bisti, with the final chance to plead and beg, and to get one last word in the conversation. The situation was bad, but it could be worse. He might not care at all about her and just liked to play some holochess with her mind, maybe thinking there’s others that shared her beliefs and she was a way to get to them, or he just wanted to save the face of the ball. Probably that, and some sadistic pleasure he got from making her submit. Submit.

------------

“Do you wish to know your value?” Thrawn asked as he escorted Eshka to the Lambda shuttle, ready to leave Bar’leth and move back to Coruscant, this time in service of the Empire rather than a Hutt.

“If it is in credits, no”, she answered, a bit annoyed, thinking it wasn’t worth knowing she was worthless, especially to a Hutt or to her new employer. However, Thrawn just smiled to himself.

“You underestimate yourself, miss”, he said, “You are worth much more than a chip with numbers, in fact, you have proved useful already, so I must thank you on behalf of the Empire”.

She shuddered. Empire. Useful to the Empire.

“You understand loyalty, so you will learn soon enough.”

“Is this a way for you to play mind games or rid out resistance before it has been born? Because either way, I am only here to enlist my help to the Commission and pay my debt to you the best way I can. No matter what you say, I do not think I will change my mind about the Empire”, Eshka retorted back, letting the Stormtroopers carry her luggage to the back of the shuttle, and sat on an isolated seat, yet when Admiral took the seat next to her, it felt cramped. And only four troopers were with them. The flight wasn’t long, at least it wasn't supposed to be.

“So, I believe you have questions. May I inquire what you are thinking?” Thrawn asked, with a voice that sounded almost soft for him. Eshka took note of that, replaying the sound of his voice to remember it, as she hadn’t heard him talk enough to make an educated guess about his thoughts that made him say those words.

“I was hoping you would have clear instructions for me, and what is my relationship with you, if any, “ Eshka said looking down, then raising her gaze to Thrawn, who, both surprisingly and unsurprisingly, looked relaxed, yet his gaze met Eshka with piercing intensity. Shuddering, fear striked right into Eshka. Death was no longer an option. This was the gaze of a man who knew the outcome of this battle, and used this moment only to understand the advantage they had better. Lowering her gaze, she submitted, and this gesture didn’t go unnoticed by the expert tactician.

“You submit to your faith, I see.”

“I have no battle here, so I can not be defeated”, she said, slightly smiling.

“You choose your battles well.”

“Thank you, Admiral”.

A sigh from the Chiss was unexpected, yet a weirdly humanizing touch. “You may address me as ‘sir’ from now on. Unless you are in a formal setting, then Grand Admiral Thrawn. If you wish to call me by my full name, you may, but I assume you know the right situations for that.” Sentimental reasons, he keeps me close, too close, Eshka thought.

“You have been given a position in the Commission as an alien relations specialist, you will serve as the face and spokesperson in that area. Your position will include information influencing campaigns, which will have you attending balls and giving speeches. You will be an exemplary Imperial civilian to others like us, someone to look up to.

“You are just an insolent child, privileged and rich, a teenager who is trying to rebel and does not understand what troubles their parents went through to secure your position in a society that has nothing but contempt for you. So what I am giving you is an opportunity to change the system from the inside, just like your parents did, but with more support. The success of a system is not on the shoulders of the leader as much as it is on the ones who serve. The lead gives the command, but the success depends on the ones who carry out the order.” Silence filled the room between the two of them like a thick fog, clouding the true intentions of Thrawn.

“I didn’t think you would care that much about politics”

“I do not, but some changes are inevitable for the system to work better in the future. I do not care for politics, pleasing others is not in my nature, but this is something that has to be done in order for the Empire to win this war”.

“The Empire values the needs of the many over the needs of the few, how does propaganda help my kind?”

“You misunderstand. The majority is the only one who may give betterment to the minority, but if the minority rebels against the majority, there will be no acceptance, and no moving forward. At the moment, species other than humans see their options as joining the Empire, which does not care for them, or active resistance with the Rebellion. But there is a third option. Compliance. You will be the face of compliance and order. Comply to the orders and you shall be rewarded.

“With basic rights?”

“At the moment, yes. But isn’t it better to comply with one unfair order so that you may live to the next day and then receive what you deserve?

“Or your oppressor takes your compliance as a sign that the order is not unreasonable, and continues with that.

“Could be, but do you not want to see what you could do to change that sentiment?”

“I could never side with the Empire”

“But would you join me, Chiss?”

“You work for the Empire, you line your ideals with the Empire.”

“My goals line with the Empire, and my loyalty is towards the Empire. But I am a Chiss, I serve my people too. Even after they exiled me, I will see that they are safe in the Galaxy.”

“I admire your loyalty, sir” Eshka responded, with soft fondness for the Admiral at that moment, as she had to face the fact that she was not really part of any group. Not human, not Bothan, not a Hutt, definitely not part of the cartels or any organization. Any place she ever lived in was not her home planet, she never really had a home. There was no sentimentality, there was only logic governing her life, she understood that, but now, as an alien soldier who

“So, who are you?”

“I’m sorry, what?” The question caught Eshka off-guard.

“You want so many things for those around you, yet don’t talk about anything related to who you are. So tell me, who is the Eshka sitting next to me?”

Who am I? “I’m… Eshka, I’m … “ and silence filled with anticipation on behalf of Eshka, who was trying to find anything to answer with. Yes, she studied to be a doctor, but that was not on the table anymore. Saying half-human, half-Bothan sounded weird. “A girl?” she continued, looking at Thrawn, expecting him to tell her if this was the right answer.

“No no, you have to know that for yourself. Now, you may continue, or do you wish to keep me waiting until you realize yourself?” he said snidely. Embarrassment coursed through Eshka’s veins, infecting her cheeks and tongue, making her unable to respond in any other way than just saying “I’m sorry, sir”.

---------

Grand Admiral Mitth'raw'nuruodo watched the sad and small woman lie in her recliner, sleeping soundly in the vastness of space. A canvas for a different kind of art found lost in the galaxy. Emotional to the point of being a flaw, yet unaware of her self. Chaotic, yet logical and smart. Lonely, but altruistic. She needed guidance, and he needed someone to be a force for acceptance. No matter how well Thrawn did in the military and kept to himself, the world he was fighting for was not always kind to him. Order and peace were what he was fighting for, but if Eshka could soften the Imperium’s people’s attitudes towards both of them, his position might not be questioned so often and he would be able to focus on fighting the rebellion. Humans liked cute things like Porgs and doves, and Eshka seemed to fit the idea of cute, but had some visible Bothan features like nose, eyes, and ears. Otherwise her body reminded him of paintings from Togruta: colourful, sweet, vibrant.

Eshka tossed and turned, clearly distressed in her dreams now. Thrawn sat up and got on his feet, taking one step towards the sleeping lady, only to kneel next to her and putting his warm hand on her shoulder. Simple trick to calm humanoids, and it worked on Eshka. Her breathing calmed and her shoulders relaxed. A moment later Thrawn turned back to his chair. Maybe he should catch sleep too, even if his metabolism didn’t really need it. What he needed was a clear idea of what he wanted Eshka to be. The lack of self-awareness she had played into his hand, and the way she was trained by Hutts was good; always ready to please, understanding of her own lack of agency, loyalty to the contract, but it also made Thrawn angry, the way she was denied any closeness and made to grow up without a strong sense of self. No culture, no customs, nothing but humans of Coruscant and Bar’leth who ostracized her and made her build herself to fit in wherever she went. She was a blank slate, and Thrawn would build her to a perfect woman who would no longer submit to anyone but him. She was not a slave, but he wanted her to wear chains of diamonds. What a weird thought, Thrawn stopped. Maybe it was related to the conversation he had had with Marlo the Hutt. It had been the first time Thrawn had to interact with a Hutt, and he surely hoped it would be the last. Arrogant and cunning, almost catching Thrawn's intentions, yet not useful in the long run, as he got a crash course in the politics within the cartel and now knew to limit any contact with them unless absolutely necessary. It was funny how well the Hutt knew the value in Eshka, yet could keep the knowledge so out of her reach. Just telling Marlo Eshka was going to be executed for treason didn’t sway him, he even laughed straight at Thrawn’s face, telling him no one could touch her for such a small thing, and why would such a high-ranking officer come there just to inform him? No, it had to be more personal, and if Thrawn wanted the girl, he had to give more than credits, in fact, credits were useless in this matter. Frustrating, but fruitful conversation ensued. The puppet changed owners, and there were new plans on the works.

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Eshka put her hand on the glass, watching the view in front of her, city lights dancing in her eyes. When taking the job, she thought she was going to be living somewhere underground, with low-class officers if she was lucky, but here she was, in the same building with high-ranking officers. She could see the sky, star destroyer’s lights, the roofs of smaller buildings. It was beautiful, but the loneliness grew in her. There was a whole sky to share, yet here she was, alone above everyone.

Perfect, she was perfect. A gown made of stars, extravagant to many but tasteful for Coruscant. Lights reflecting from the velvety fabric made it look like the whole galaxy was moving as she moved and danced. Eshka, however, felt weird. It wasn’t the first time someone else chose a dress for her, but she didn’t think the Grand Admiral would be the one to do so. Yet his love for control was enough to explain this, but not why she was invited to a banquet for Imperial Officers and socialites of the city. When moving, Eshka had sold her formal dresses to get some money for savings, as she wasn’t sure how much she would be compensated for her work, and she thought there was no need for formal attire, or at least hoped she could hide from the public eye as she was working in her position, but she should have known better. Thrawn wanted her to change the perception humans had of aliens and be the face of the Empire, so why would it not include actual face-to-face meetings or larger events too. She only knew Thrawn and the director of COMPNOR there, maybe some officer she had brushed by at other social gatherings, but if most were military personnel, she had no idea what she could talk with them about. Small talk, flirt? Those should be enough for this time, just feel the atmosphere and plan for the next event. Lose a battle to win the war, and so on. Even if she didn’t like what she was doing in relation to her employer, she had to admit not everyone had the same opportunities to choose sides in the Galaxy, and if she could change some views in the higher ups, she had done something right.

A deep breath, name said aloud, and Eshka stepped in a tall room with chandeliers illuminating the glass cage high above the city. Curious looks were exchanged between guests as Eshka moved inside the room, looking around for a good guest she might be able to introduce herself to. She kept a soft smile on her face, bowed her head as she maneuvered around people already deep in conversations, not letting a single one of the guests to think for a moment she was intimidated. She didn’t know anything about the military, she would say to herself, she was there only to have fun and drink the Corellian wine people spoke so highly of.

An officer with six blue and red taps, probably an admiral or a marshal, was standing by himself with a whiskey in his hand by a window looking a bit uncomfortable in such an open space with people other than military troops. A good start, Eshka thought to herself and joined the gentleman. Starting the conversation with a quip about whiskey seemed to work in Eshka’s favour, just like a light-hearted joke about not taking alcohol well opened the older man to Eshka, and she was just happy it was working. Marshal Kof’ral was surprisingly sweet, considering he was one who had dedicated his life to the military, nowadays commanding his own ground fleet. With whiskey in one hand and Eshka’s hand in the other, he took her to the bar to tell her more about the whiskeys. Few younger officers joined them, clearly new to the setting, but the Marshal knew them and invited them to join the lesson on whiskeys around the galaxy. The officers, however, weren’t too enamored by Eshka, in fact, they seemed to enjoy the jokes they could make at her expense than the whiskey, but let their hands wander down her back. Marshall just laughed with them, so Eshka did too even when it hurt a bit. This wasn’t the place to confront them, this was just to introduce herself to the high society. Thankfully, the dinner was to start soon, so Eshka got the chance to excuse herself from the situation, telling the men she needed to add some face powder before the dinner.

Just a few more hours, I can make it, she told herself, looking at the mirror in the bathroom. Maybe there’s no need to have a conversation with the one next to me, whoever they may be. A racist who hates me, they wouldn’t talk to me, or someone nice, it’s going to be just fine.

When she finally stepped back to the hall, she was escorted to the dining room and seated. Next to Grand Admiral Thrawn. Both relieved and nervous, she didn’t know how to react. There was a lady next to him on his left side and Eshka thought it might be his date. Before Thrawn could even say a word to Eshka, a council member was seated next to her, taking her attention with a flirty greeting. Bail Carivus, a politician from a long family line of legislators and senators, and him talking to Eshka with such empty praises was infuriating to Thrawn, yet Eshka didn’t seem to mind, only blushing and giggling.

“And who is this serious man you are next to?” Carivus asked, flashing a condescending smile to Thrawn, and pure hate flashed in Thrawn’s eyes before Eshka could see it.

“Oh, he is Grand Admiral Thrawn, the captain of Chimaera”, Eshka said, glee in her voice, like she was proud to introduce the two of them, the opposites of each other. Tension between them just grew with the realization they were from very different worlds.

“It is very nice to meet you, Admiral”, Carivus said, clearly disregarding military ranks, yet offered his hand to Thrawn for a shake. Thrawn took it, if only to not embarrass Eshka.

“As it is to meet you”, Thrawn replied, coldly.

Before the tension grew too much or the silence between them stayed longer than appropriate, the first course was served.

Few times during the dinner Thrawn caught Carivus’ hand laying on Eshka’s thigh, his eyes wandering down her chest, hand “accidentally” brushing her neck, ass, ears. Sleazy, infuriating, with a lack of taste in art, Thrawn thought, trying to keep his cool, but as Eshka got more and more uncomfortable, Thrawn wasn’t sure he liked this part of his plan. As the dinner came to a close, Eshka excused herself, and as soon as she was out of the room, Carivus leaned over to Thrawn with a grin, ready to ask something, but another Admiral came to talk to Thrawn before he could hear the trashy words the sleazebag was trying to say. For a moment, Thrawn forgot that the politician existed. But when the Admirals shook hands, he took notice that Eshka hadn’t returned and Carivus was not there either.

Thrawn didn’t know where Eshka might be, but he had to find her soon, before that poor excuse for a human touched her. He would not tolerate that. A new rule for Eshka to follow was now in order, as soon as she was away from Carivus’ hands; no one was allowed to touch her, no one, there was no social climbing with her body, no matter how beneficial it might be. She may fight and be defeated, but her submission was reserved for Thrawn.

[naerwenia]

Eshka’s Loneliness

We had another game session, which had me reflecting on my character’s life. Eshka has been quite alone all her life, only being seen by what she does, and the few people she let close have died or abandoned her. But rather than cry or get therapy, she has surrounded herself with alcohol and luxuries. So I decided to write a short scene expanding the scene that played out in the game. Roleplaying at it’s best, making me feel difficult emotions and face my own flaws.

An uncommonly warm smile on Grambo the Hutt's face. He was pleased and let it be known through his words addressed to young Eshka, who’s formal thanks can be heard, and Grambo claps, telling his servants to prepare a feast, but the scene shifts to another where Grambo’s smile is calculated, cold, and the camera pulls back, showing older Eshka standing in front of the hutt, while screams of pain and fear are heard as the acid boils in a pool next to Grambo, stabilising as the screams drown. “Useless,” Grambo says to Eshka, followed by “You will not fail me anymore”, making her shiver in fear.

The stars are almost hidden by the waves of the ocean, only showing a few of the brightest ones reflecting off the sea. Someone more artistic might compare the stars to tears, falling down to the silver sea, only to be swept away by the constant waves. At the same time Eshka was looking at her drink, sitting by the window of her hotel room. She wanted to go to the balcony, but didn’t want the company of her bodyguards. Only their captain, Higgs, talked to Eshka like another sentient, all the others were playing their role, which she understood, yet she wished she could have someone there. Dei and Delcin were her peers, part of the head of NADA, yet she was more of a mentor to them, which she took seriously, wanting them to have the courage to stand up for their values as well as against her if she ever did something in conflict with their mission. However, she was worried about how Delcin had acquired the support of senator Neolight, giving his own word to a debt he had no way to pay back. His joyful announcement of the support made Eshka’s stomach turn, bringing back memories of the similarly calculated master she used to serve, but on the flip of a coin, Grambo the Hutt turned on her. All because of her empathy for her former bodyguard, after all the stress and fear they both went through.

A tall and well dressed Gamorrean male follows close behind as Eshka walks down the streets of Coruscant. She is young compared to mr Babe, annoyed by his company. His arms have some light scars and his fingers are callous, but as something comes flying towards Eshka, he is quick to jump into action to protect her. As his hand grabs her shoulder, the scene changes, now both standing inside Flying Brick. “Let me come with you,” he says, and as a smile spreads on Eshka’s face, she nods. Then he fades away, as the ship around her bursts in flames.

A new drink in her hand, Eshka tilts her head to look out, gazing up to the sky. Some ships flew over the planet, but the night sky was mostly illuminated by the stars. It was so quiet and serene, yet Eshka could not find peace. When they still had Flying Brick, she could go to Bob even in the middle of the night to have someone to listen to her and embrace her. Almost expecting to see him in front of her, she lowered her gaze to the chair next to her, only to see nothing, just shadows. If only she could find comfort in the shadows.

“Come with me, at least you have someone to talk to”, Eshka says to a young human man on space traffic control duty, who’s bored face shows a bit of life after her words. He gets up, running towards Eshka, ready to leave the pirate base, and as the scene changes, he runs to her arms, embracing her playfully. Static plays over the scene as someone cries “Bob kidnapped Eshka!” and shots of Eshka running away, trying to hide while shots are heard, before falling down, changing to a shot of Bob with his head messed up, his brain chip pulled out as his voice can be heard saying “She tried to kill me!”

How long had it been since they last saw each other? To her it was no more than a year, but that time had been more than five years back in this galaxy. Flying Brick had crashed and thrown them into another universe for a year, only to come back and realise it had been five years, a galactic war against an AI was fought and won, and the senate had been restored. People and things had changed, moved on, but the mark on her head was still on, maybe even greater now, and all those she remembered were now no more than strangers to her. 

A party of Bothans make their way to Eshka, meeting her for the first time. “I am your uncle, and you are part of the clan Alya, a Bothan. Come back home”, he says, with determination on his face while Eshka clearly doesn’t want to be there. A step back, the scene moves forward, with her dressed in the diplomat’s robes, the camera pans out showing the debate in the senate around her, with the Bothan delegate talking about independence to resistant senators. Eshka tries to bite her tongue, but takes a stance in favour of Bothan independence. Her words are captured on camera from the side, as the scene changes, her profile deflating as a Bothan delegation just says “You are no longer one of us”, and turning their backs on her.

Even in their absence the crew of Flying Brick was not forgotten, as their ties to the Gree changed the course of the war, the Gree coming back to the galaxy to help the sentients against the artificial intelligence. Even without that, maybe when she called back to Bothawui and let them know she was still alive, Eshka’s family made their wishes known to her as she now had a position of relevance. She was a Bothan and even if she was not raised by them she was one of them. They almost dragged her back, and just to avoid conflict with her crew, she relented and went with them, but was only locked up in a small room, contempt and conflict raising their heads between her and her uncle. She didn’t get any answers, only vague plans, and the possibility of a marriage and settling down on the planet just strengthened her resolve to leave the planet. Still, there was hope they would understand, especially after she defended them in the senate hearing where she was speaking on behalf of NADA, preventing a war between the Bothans and newly established Republic, but she was only met by a small group of Bothans led by her uncle, announcing she was no longer one of them. Only then the weight of her decisions hit her, and she drank another glass of whiskey, finishing the bottle in front of her. 

Just words fill her mind. Whore, bitch, disappointment, alien. She sees herself sitting in her student accommodation back in Coruscant, alone, looking down on the city lights, then in a study hall, alone, avoided by the other students, all human, as her eyes flare with determination. She stands up, screaming liberty and equality to a confused group of humanoid creatures in a slum, gathering crowds who take up arms to tear the walls down. Few flashes of light change the scene to the day of the huttball finale, press taking pictures of her as television cameras capture her words, Sword of Truth’s step to light. Both surprise and interest bubble around her, and she looks happy to speak her words of amplifying the voices of those who may not be heard otherwise, giving power to the people, and helping the communities govern themselves. But as the lights flash more bright, it is followed by darkness, and as small lights switch on above her, she is alone, exhausted from speaking, organising, trying to reach out but not being able to touch anyone, every hand just a brush stroke away from her reach. So she just stands there, now again alone in the darkness. A glass full of alcohol appears in her hand, and the scenes of her raising her glass blend into one, switching through all parties, dinners, clubs, dances, fancy and luxurious, holes in the wall, saloons, homemade spirits, champagne made of extinct fruits, moonshine, glittery cocktail changing colour in the glass, beer in a can. All the different dresses and hair styles change between scenes, as she smiles and flirts with those around her, but as the scenes slow the switching, a scene with black background comes up more often, finally stopping on that. Eshka sits back down, and the scene merges back to her in the current moment.

Eshka had long ago dropped the pretence she was drinking only to enjoy the fine taste of different alcohols, and didn’t even employ the bartender droid, pouring her own glass full of strong spirits. Sitting in her sleeping gown, not stressed but not fully relaxed, feeling somewhat empty like the bottles on her table. All the dresses and gear on her bed were more expensive than the wage of all the bodyguards she had been surrounded by most of her life, yet she found all the glamour around her at the moment dull and useless. In a way, she had no one to share it with, and it made her feel useless, lonely. She had done so much to fight for her ideals she never stopped to hold anyone’s hand longer than a night. The whole crew around her was there for her, supporting her quirks and morals, aligning themselves with her ideals, yet she couldn’t help but feel alone at that moment. More than anything, she wanted to run away, leave the danger and constant fighting, and go back to being a doctor. She was a medic, that’s what she had studied all those years in Coruscant, one of the handful of non-human students in the former Imperial university. But there was no more Coruscant, no place that didn’t know her as an activist, no family that would open their arms for her, no master that would trust her to serve under them. There was no going back, she had to look forward, remember what she was fighting for, with only her wits and compassion as her weapons.

[naerwenia]

Eshka’s Diary, part 1

Eshka’s thoughts are a mess after she is told that her friend was the one who tried to kidnap her, learning this more than five years after the incident, and after trying to wrap her head around it, she reminisces about her time with different people. Warnings: references to sex, some angst.

A/N: I wrote this after our latest session, going through my character’s feelings and also my own. Eshka is a bothan medic/diplomat, now leading a new NGO with other PCs. This is our fifth year playing as a group, few characters have left and few have joined. There was a time jump as our group was whisked to another dimension/galaxy, so we spent 5 years away instead of the few months it felt like. Also I’m experimenting with different writing styles to see how I want to write Eshka’s story.  Another part is here.

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Well, fuck you too, mister “I’m too high and mighty for feelings”. I didn’t expect you to empathize with me, but you could have at least said you’re sorry. Finding out Bob, someone who has been with me almost as long as our squad, is the one who tried to kidnap me is a fucking shock, and no one told me, that I should have read it in some report. How was I supposed to read and write reports after I just saved myself from drifting through space in a broken ship, and fought my way back to our group? I was almost alone, with only a team of soldiers tasked to keep me safe. How could you just leave me? How could you just ask the spiritual guide you call Force and trust it would lead you to me? Well it didn’t, I had to find my way back to you. If I didn’t make it, would you have noticed, would you have cared, would you have come to me?

Even Operator Valden showed more compassion for me than they did, he helped me keep my cover. He talked to me. The smallest gesture I needed, and he gave it to me. No matter how many times Ral and Rael keep fighting him, he is courteous with me. We find ourselves on different sides of the war, and he hates me, finds me annoying, but damn if I don’t want him. The one I can’t have, who doesn’t want me. It’s silly, dumb, frivolous, and I better get hold of my own emotions before they get used against me.

But Bob, I loved him, at least I think so. He was there for me. He did everything for me, but I… I never really looked at it like that. I took him for granted. I took him and Mr. Babe for granted. That they would always be there when I needed them, that I could always choose to be with either of them. Both wanted me yet I never chose between them, I couldn’t bear to make a choice. They were rivals, and I tried to share myself between them. It was never really discussed, but I should have discussed it with them and not be so selfish. Now I have neither to lean on to. Although, did I ever truly do that? Did I open my heart to either or was it just physical? Do I even have a relationship of any kind with any of my teammates, or do I just try to move forward, to something greater? I have my feelings and I show them quite frequently, but do they matter to me in any way? 

Bob was so funny when we met. Aerospace traffic controller who was bored out of his mind, sitting in a job that had no future, in a facility controlled by pirates, in the ass end of nowhere. He was so genuinely happy to speak something more academic, if even for a minute, and when he got out with us, it was exhilarating. He came with us, he changed sides to be with me, yet I never took it as seriously as I should have. I don’t blame him for what he did, I blame myself for not actually talking to him, making everything about our “greater goals”. I just wish to speak with him one more time.

Mr. Babe. I have no idea where he is. When Flying Brick was destroyed, he wasn’t there, he had some personal work to sort through, and I’m both glad and sad he wasn’t there. Glad he didn’t have to go through the chaos and that I know for sure he isn’t in the Dark Cluster, but sad because I don’t know where he is, is he alive, has he been murdered by the Hutt we ran away from? Five years is a long time to be on the run in a changing galaxy, but I hope for the best. He’s someone I’ve known for so long, he always popped up somewhere to meet me, often with worse news than expected. A bodyguard turned into a fixer to an agent of the Sword of Truth. He kept me safe while I was just a student in Coruscant, oh how I hated the iron grip he had to keep me in, but now I miss it. I miss him so much.

The time our team, mainframe, management, what the fuck we are, spent in a Dark Cluster didn’t change us that much, maybe it brought us closer together if we’re being positive, but this one, our home Galaxy, was changed in ways we couldn’t imagine. What felt like a few months to us was actually five years here. And we were… heroes. Our contributions changed the tide of the war. Grees came to help them, help the Galaxy unite over a common enemy. 

Now we are back in a Galaxy we don’t recognize, without our ship Flying Brick, without our crew, without the backing of Sword of Truth. There is peace, there is unity and collaboration. Are we even needed here anymore? Ral thinks so, and Permerga is ready to create a new ship. Ral and Rael are ready to bring forth a new Jedi order. Selena is grieving, but is taking back her place as the captain (I’m so proud of her). Pulling strings to get enough good will and favours to pay for our ship has fallen to me, or I’ve taken the task to myself, who knows at this point. It is… weird. There is going to be a ship the size of a dreadnought that’s our new base, our headquarters, base for medical research, droid mechanics, moving base for humanitarian aid and diplomatic services. We decided to call it NADA, a non-aligned diplomatic assembly. I am supposed to be the face and head of the civilian side of our new organization, and I’m more than ready. Our crew is ready to move on with a new name, a new ship, a new mission.

[naerwenia]

Eshka Kith'lya, a Bothan doctor and a former representative of Sword of Truth. Unfortunately Sword of Truth turned into a political party and she's now an anarchist flying around the Galaxy helping small communities with her crew. From a timid medic to a flirty, independent commander <3

Also, looking into art commissions so I may finally get a custom picture of Eshka, but my disability benefits have not been approved yet, so... Maybe next month? Until then, Heroforge!

[naerwenia]

I'm going to try write down stories of my Star Wars tabletop RPG character Eshka Kith'lya, a Bothan doctor. She's also a representative for Sword of Truth, a non-canon pirate group turned political force in the Galaxy. Probably hopping from time to time, timeline to timeline. I just want to get my ideas out, elaborate on some points, and get smutty. Also going to write and post some stuff about my mental health, notes from a psych ward, and living with dissociative disorder, PTSD, BPD, and everything else. I'm really into Star Wars, WH40K, Resident Evil, RPGs, witchcraft, bonecrafts, horror movies and manga, and poetry. I make jewellery under the name Fox Maid. 

I'm also going to write stories of my larp characters, hopefully.