#EVEN WHEN THERES???? ABSOLUTELY NO POINT TO HAVE JT IN THE STORY??????

[kruxton]

there r rarely any astro originals w actual good writing and gamers mangkuk is a prime example

(the tags got.... Long. feel free to not read)

[spaloonbabooguuscooties]

Begging at your feet rn to see more of your elka stuff and ESPECIALLY your elka and franke stuff

THE BEST I CAN GIVE IS UHHHH a little bit of background on some things that have been cooking because im bored.

The basis of elkas character being a control freak who is so obsessed w upholding the status quo of her mind and staying normal and being ‘happy’ in her future despite everything she sees being a doomed ending. the vision of a married life with nils lutefisk, who never really seemed to care about her and who she doesnt even know she actually loves or not. because it doesnt feel like how it SHOULD feel and she wished he was something different but she doesnt know what

she doesnt allow herself to think maybe shes Never been happy with a man. that maybe she only feels the need to be because thats all shes ever known or seen herself having

also the added very important headcanon that elka gets so obsessed over this future that she forces herself to have visions of it constantly, over working her future sight to the point that by the time the canon game happens her vision has clouded over and shes completely blind and has to use clairvoyance to ‘see’. (based on her early concept model with white eyes. anyway)

her first year of summer camp kicks off her relationship with nils but also an unexpected friendship with Kitty, and they end up getting very close, and though its confusing its the best elkas ever felt- up until she’s graced with a vision of her and kitty getting into a terrible fight, and rather than putting herself through that she just pretends they were never friends in the first place. (because shes normal)

kitty is understandably confused and upset about this and doesnt know why elka is suddenly giving her the cold shoulder. they both leave camp completely fucked up over their toxic female friendship drama and the next year kitty is ‘seemingly’ over it, already rebounding to a New girl she met on the bus, franke.

of course, franke is a lot different than elka. kitty finds her a lot easier to get along with, more relaxed, they kind of compliment each other in a way. the budding friendship to serious crush to summercamp love story pipeline.

BUT.. franke cant really help but noticing how tense kitty and elka are around each other.

its a lot to get into but my friends and i kind of spitballed franke having like. psychic hyper empathy based powers. shes more of a feelings guy. she kinda goes with whatever kitty wants but she can be good when shes not around. theres like a whole thing i made up for it BUT anyway

she doesnt know whats wrong with them just that the vibes are fucking rancid and she wants to help kitty out by getting to the bottom of it. and so she starts talking to elka when she can , and elka pities her a bit because she sees franke as this completely gullible goofball under kittys spell, cursed to follow her around like a lost puppy. especially because kitty has only grown hostile to elka since theyve been back at camp, elka kind of knows kitty is/was using franke to make her jealous. much like , well, she was using JT to get to nils. so franke is kind of like a tennis ball getting kicked between the two of them.

because a lot of this stuff is roleplayed out there was a bit going about franke being illiterate (because shes dumb) that franke plays into in a self deprecating humor kind of way, but elka takes it completely seriously and takes soooooo much pity on her she decides to help franke learn to read by showing her her favorite book pride and prejudice. has franke hold the book while elka uses her eyes to read it for her. this made a lot of sense in the moment dont worry

franke goes along with this even tho she can. absolutely read. because, like, maybe if they talk enough she can squash her and kittys beef. this ... goes okay, but franke ends up really enjoying this little book reading thing they do together. she is unfortunately a little baby butch lesbian and elka is pretty and nicer than she initially thought, when she isnt talking about stupid boys, and gets Really into the romance aspects of the book that Elka herself enjoys. and elka ends up enjoying it too, because without kitty around, franke is just such a good listener, and a little charming, and does whatever she asks, and gosh, if she was a boy she’d be everything elka wanted, wouldnt she? oh well!

and even though she looks, she cant find an end in sight for their future. maybe this friendship could be different from kitty, maybe she doesnt have to be afraid of how close they are. so she lets it happen, because it distracts her from the grief of boys who refuse to understand her. every time her and nils break up, franke is there to say Well, he never deserved you anyhow! and she feels better for just a little while.

this isnt even getting INTO the feelings that evolve over the future and the self destruction elka puts herself thru to secure her marriage but ive rambled enuff. maybe you all will feel what i feel if only for a moment

[annashipper]

JT Anon

I admit Im a bit meaner than anna and other skeptics. I genuinely enjoy laughing at ben and have no cares whatsoever about his career or his feelings (tho please, no more Sherlock. Let it die. The last season was crap and its all just good fancy filming now.)

I find it endlessly amusing when Ben says he is feeding apple slices to a child that is developmentally and physically incapable if ingesting solid food

I am endlessly amused that ben felt the need to respond to us pointing out that he has left his kids from almost the min of their birth for weeks on end by suggesting he is not w/o them for more than 48 hrs, only to be seen at every airport w out them.

I will never stop laughing at the suggestion that Sophie is heroically working when she hasn’t done a solid months worth of  work in 4 years, and all that work was given to her by her husband. (Remember when the write up about this last thing literally said that someone else was the first choice, but they couldn’t do it, so they plopped sophie in as an unwanted stand in?)

I absolutely LOVE it when ben tries to make it look like he and his family are hounded by the paps, all the while using for hire agencies only, catching shots of the family that in no way are physically possible for them to have been spotted unless they were told the exact date and time to be there.

to the last point, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that Ben tries to act like he and Sophie are protective parents, all the while literally having pictures of their children sold for financial profit, and arranging said paps, and using their children’s lives to sell his products from before the poor tiny souls even have a chance to be born

I also really like that he sells the story that he is simultaneously hounded by paps, and also never seen.

I am really amused by the ever changing time line of them dating. Can’t have too many people figuring out she wasn’t in his life until award season

The sponsored wedding was amazing

None of this matters. as far as the general public goes, as far as anyone actually thinks about him, he is married, has these kids, and no one thinks about it. I like that its just a quiet little joke. Im amused that ben has so little going on in his professional life that he has to point to skeptics just to keep his interviews from dying on the vine unread.

no one is particularly interested in you ben, and thats the problem, ‘aint it? so keep having fake babies. every time we point out how branded each one is, pull her back and make less “announcements” about it.

Make sure you keep this “heh heh heh look at my family and all the kids did i tell you some people think its fake please please read my fucking articles and interviews theres a conspiracy theory don’t keep scrolling”

You know intern, you could tell Ben just to be more interesting. You could tell him just to work to get offered better, edgy, more interesting roles. You could have him have something interesting and engaging to talk about

I  know most skeptics will disagree with me on this one. While I think ben is talented, I don’t think he is the worlds best actor. There are lots of up and coming actors who could be just as good as him. His looks are a novelty that has kind of worn off. This is a problem, isn’t it?

Under all that “internets boyfriend” nonsense, I think he is panicking when he realises..there ain’t much there. He had an opportunity to grab at a few rings w his talent, and trade off his weird looks, and he kinda blew it imo. Actors that are just as good are nipping at his heels.

He doesn’t have the internets boyfriend title anymore. If he took away the family anecdotes and the wink and the nod to conspiracy theories…what exactly does he have?? Maybe he can build up marvel more, but really? Just take a step back and look at his career. If he didn’t have a conspiracy theory to talk about in interviews, if you were to interview him today, how long of an interview could you do? Some marvel stuff….a bit of “its nice to do voices” for the grinch…how many pages????

He isn’t all that interesting….so he needs a good conspiracy theory + a few family things and preg to sell.

i think thats what it comes down to. He just simply doesn’t have anything else to sell about HIMSELF.

J the second most boring person on the planet next to Benedict T anon

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

JT, as ever, you present us with the outlook of someone who isn’t a fan, and I’m sorry to say that your submission is going to ring true to most non-fans who are reading this blog.  Unfortunately, Ben himself made sure to point a lot of them our way with his Vanity Fair interview a couple of years ago.

And the biggest problem of all is that when you take a step back and look at his situation clinically with (somewhat) fresh eyes, it’s difficult to argue against any of the points you’re making...

I haz a sad now  :o/

Meanwhile, I disagree on your point about Sherlock in general and the last season in particular, but you already know that, so I’m gonna shut up now.

[sonreiv]

i absolutely despise when ppl paint katsuki as an abuser when horikoshi doesn't even say he's an abuser. Bullying and Abusing has some similar aspects but they are different at the end of it. Katsuki is. a. bully. Izuku recognizes that Katsuki is a jerk and what he did was wrong/bad (and he actually has stated that he hates katsuki, twice) but still sees his strong qualities that make him admire him

(This ask has been sitting in my drafts for the longest time and I thought with the upcoming episodes it was the perfect time to stop procrastinating and finally finish it. Sorry for the wait, nony! I mostly agree with you, but I want to further discuss some points so I hope you don’t mind I got a bit lenghty. You got me an excuse to ramble up some meta haha.)

A TL;DR beforehand: canon analysis supports that Katsuki should not be interpreted as an abuser, but an early bully at most. I also did a little analysis on the early middle school chapter and how it shows BNHA’s society/the peers Deku and Katsuki grew up around set up a bullying enticing enviroment, and how bad translations have us interpret their relationship as more aggravating than it really is - Deku NEVER said he hates Katsuki, for instance. Not once.

I agree that Katsuki is not to be interpreted as an abuser. He does not want to pursue Deku in order to hurt him; instead, he wants to push Deku away from himself. There’s a difference between “I want to possess you, to make you stay around me and hurt you emotionally and physically” - and “I don’t want anything to do with you, go away, don’t interact with me or else”. The first one is abuse. The second one is what Katsuki felt about Deku for most of his life (albeit very simplified). At the times when Katsuki did hurt him - threatening him in middle school, getting out of hand during the heroes vs villains team trial, punching him during the end of the term exam, etc - was because he felt threatened; so his response was to push him away with violence, with an attempt at “teaching” Deku to stay away from his lane.

This is not to defend Katsuki’s actions; this is only a reasoning, not an excuse. His violent behavior towards Deku is still inexcusable. I only want to make clear there’s a difference between “I want to go out of my way to hurt you” and “I will smack you if you push me”, even if his concept of being pushed is distorted to his own experience and it still does not make his violent actions okay. He fears and despises what Deku did at those times: talking to Katsuki as if Katsuki isn’t on the pedestal he grew up believing he was on. This is the core of Katsuki’s feelings. He does not want to abuse Deku. He wanted him to go away, and he WOULD physically/verbally assault him if that meant pushing Deku away from him. And the rest of his threats/aggressive banter is just really how he talks to everyone else.

Even in canon it’s explicitly stated Deku was the one who insisted on following him because of his admiration, and that was what Katsuki couldn’t stand; he wanted him to be away.

And that was way before. The game is changing, and the development of their relationship is one of the core points of the series. Katsuki recognized him as someone who is not allowed to lose, someone worthy of All Might’s trust, and just very slowly started talking to Deku like he does to everyone else.

I also believe that affirming Katsuki would be an abuser in a romantic relationship with Deku misses the point if the person is okay with it if it’s a friendship/platonic relationship, or if they ship Katsuki with other people. Someone who is abusive does not isolate their behavior to one single person, nor does abuse happen only in romantic relationships. Abusive friendships exist. If one thinks katsudeku is okay as long as it’s platonic, if they believe in their growth and healing enough to believe they can start and share a healthy friendship, then the same should be applied to a romantic relationship. Also if Katsuki were to be an abusive partner to Deku, he’d be the same to other partners. If he were to be emotionally manipulative, possessive, constantly putting him down and hurting him while also keeping him - he’d do it to any other partners. The thing is people who ship katsudeku usually don’t ship it hc'ing that Katsuki keeps his ill behavior towards Deku in the relationship - we cherish the character’s growth and development. The canon Katsuki, the Katsuki with the bad behavior in the older chapters, as stated above, didn’t even wish to keep Deku around as a peer, let alone to form some kind of deeper bond. The romantic katsudeku ship I personally want is the kind where Katsuki grows and changes (as it’s slowly happening in canon) enough past his insecurities towards Deku to be okay with approaching him like he does to other peers. No possessiveness, no emotional abuse, because I personally don’t see that coming from him.

Since we got to this point, something interesting and relevant that I don’t usually see being pointed out is that in the very beginning of the story, it wasn’t only Katsuki opposing to the idea Deku could enter UA while being quirkless. The entire class laughed at him, and the teacher didn’t bat an eye.

This is not to gloss over the fact Katsuki did show unexcusable behavior towards Deku, but I think the scene was set up that way to show it was not only Katsuki’s isolated behavior, but the system, BNHA’s society is shaped to mock and discourage individuals who believe they can become heroes or achieve certain things despite the conditions of their quirk(lesness). The way the society is shaped was Deku’s childhood bully. He was mocked by his peers as young as 4, while at the same time Katsuki was put in a pedestal because of his quirk - which led to his massive ego complex. We can’t analyse their personalities and relationship without taking in account the context they grew up in. Many people frame Katsuki as the single-handed culprit for Deku’s bullying background without taking this whole context into account, while also casting Deku the role of a submissive, persecuted victim when he deliberately chose to stick around Katsuki, and just generally shows to be a character with a lot more agency than that.

And what’s interesting in this scene is that Katsuki didn’t laugh along with everyone else when Deku says he wants to apply and he might have a chance. Because Katsuki takes that seriously. He takes that as a personal offence. The whole point of Katsuki’s ill feelings towards Deku were always that he

feels as Deku is mocking his efforts by believing that himself, a quirkless boy who didn’t do any kind of physical preparation for a heroics course - has chances of becoming a hero as much as Katsuki, who is a born genius AND presumably prepared himself to apply to UA, with training and studying, going as far as scolding his colleague for smoking because he wanted a clean student record.

he feels threatened by Deku because ever since they were kids, as much as Deku admired him, he also saw Katsuki as someone who was able to get hurt and could have a hand offered to like anyone else; Deku saw him as superior in terms of skill, but an equal as a human being, while all the other kids did not. And that made Katsuki not stand him. Because he’s scared of being anything less than the very best, he’s scared of being someone who can be offered help - in his eyes, someone who can be pitied and looked down onto.

And that’s why he reacts with hostility. He wants to intimidate Deku out of even trying to apply to UA. It’s even stated by Katsuki’s colleagues he got out of hand this time, implying it’s not normal behavior for Katsuki (and I’ve seen people saying it was confirmed by Horikoshi himself, though I don’t have sources so don’t quote me on that). Again, he will only seriously smack Deku down if he feels threatened. He does not go out of his way to put him down on a daily basis because he doesn’t want to interact with Deku to begin with.

Also, Deku actually never stated he hates Katsuki. Not once. What he actually says is closer to “he may be a jerk, but-”, which is how the official english translation translated it, as seen above (stole the picture from this post by @kiraelric because it’s where I found it faster :P). Here’s a post explaining it, and I quote @sugarmagic who gently broke down the first panel - which FA translated as “I hate his guts” - for me:

Basically the word 嫌う, the verb form is “to hate” but 嫌な奴 is “unlikable/disagreeable guy.” So what I’m pretty sure happened is that they didn’t realize な was modifying the word to be an adjective. It’s not describing Deku’s feelings, it’s describing Kacchan’s character. The reading of the kanji is written as “iyana yatsu,” versus “Kacchan ga kurai” which really would be “I hate Kacchan”. Then again, even if they read it that way, the furigana explicitly shows the reading, so I don’t even know what they were thinking.

 The translation group Fallen Angels takes way too much freedom and completely distorts some lines, and the dislike of Bakugou/his relationship with Deku in the western fandom was heavily influenced by interpreting it via FA’s aggravated translations. I had people who know japanese tell me how gratuitously innacurate the translations are - as an example, FA translates Deku thinking Katsuki is difficult to deal with as Deku thinking Katsuki causes him to be aware of his own flaws (source). The translations paint Bakugou’s character and his relationships, specially with Deku, unnecessarily harsher than they really are. In fact, something the localisation usually fails to translate is how Bakugou’s “die!” and similar threats are not be taken as seriously in japanese as one would in english - but rather pretty immature and petty (source).

So! If you read up to this point and you’re interested in reading other meta on Katsuki and Deku’s characters and relationship, you should check @explodo-smash’s meta tag. They’re a pretty smart team and can explain/analyse things better than me - in fact their meta helped me a lot understand better their dynamics post my bloody Fallen Angel readings. That’s all for today, and thank you for taking the time to read.

[jayundergod-blog]

Ultimate fear to me.

Say ive smoked some marijuana and im those thinker type when i smoke the chiba. Well suddenly im surrounded by only those bearing tone of demons prophane barbaroc behaviors. I dobt want to go to hell, and this fleshed out before my eyes is the nature of my worst fear. I am not only God Fearing, but damn nervous because Ive nearly awakened what I call the real me, an innervoice guiding. And i have begun eliminating distraction. I have cleared my thoughts and sight of many distractions. And have started to have a certain space for any almost all items under my use amd home. One thing that adds to another frustratoon os not remembering drawers or table or nooks random/common items did put that buisness card? Or it could just be a real pressue on moment and those 3 like mechanical reaches with your hands and ready to go in 5 seconds. I am comparing this new day 1 moment for me to Change from within. In order to make positive impact on future sitiations and various choices given, I have to jump way out of familiarity. I dont know how to make a friend where drugs and alcohol arent at least in the introductio. Its been over 20 years outside of my sponsor in an AA run since I have made any friends outaide of Getwasted Land. And its alnost like some of these people down here might be animated workers of a divine purpose. . Another reason my greatest fear revolves around Hell is Part A: my consistence in screwing up my life and Part B: randomly manipulating in or believing the reason for myaelf that My heart is attatched the right way, I believe God intended to place a mountain of pain shame and addiction and pride, occourances 1 after another saying put down the beer weed dream. Its not working. Test? bad test? CRASH collisions. wrecks.. Sexual imoralities that put me in only tighter, I like to think of as an irrational coat of shame. Switching schools over 20 times social bonding just seemed to naturally wade into the wastelabds. It was cool to say **** things, skip class and sneak a J. So still part B: reason for my greatest fear sometimes i worry my desire to fight evil with fire kind of mentality of a grey angel badass has to often and with any levels of sincerity been ... non supportive of God, and a compmete self failure. I am a highly successful failure. The tides of life had been decided to ensure have a livable income for life. All my lab blood tests come back good. Inspite of ludacrouis unprotected promiscuity and abusing chemicals alcohol included at very high danger quantities and lengths of time. To paranoid to bruah my teeth, and involved with the addict community they really do mess with my toothbrush when i let them know they can not live in my spare room area or you've got to go period. So the balance of pride and shame are big with me. Im simply putting it this way. I am very smart. Like, words don't automatically limit my perception and i discover ideas, inventions, ways to improve systems namely in buisnesses etc. But i believe i may have discovered a few awarnesses in the light of creation that had been considered. And i flow with innovation so much i didnt even write inventions down anymore. But im starting too now. I dont know if tbere is evil in my motives to understand, and my motive to protect the earth with my creative discoveries within the gift of life here. Glory all goes to God. And i feel pride and shame when i point something out like "this motivated by my naturally good heart amd my true self is a divine discovery. I am probably the first to say Ive beaten Lucifar hands down on 3 areas very simple. 1: there is guarenteed 1% of love within this entitty from the bible, And Lucifer is afraid of this within himself. He fears the capacity in his heart. Lucifer fears himself. And that tiny igmored reality of love is capable of seeking forgiveness and apologizing to his creator. Yea i could be nuts but 2: humans, generally any life form brought into light given the breath of life to seek the water of life, are conditioned, refined, we are born with lack of understanding and in time develop sincere amd forced pursuit of underatanding. I take it Lucifer just suddenly came into light an angel with uncomparable tangible working knowledge with math, music, stars, and whatever elae. Put Satan up against a regular devloped human and there is much to gain from the journey in being. Where satan just woke up with his bed made and an attitude similar to mine perhaps. "This can be better". Is where i stop the line. I assume God ridicule came from the statue with emotions and knowledge. Who should be a professilnal liar if he believes himself that his strength and power are not extensioms of God to begin with. Have to be a wicked bad liar to claim pride and ownership of anything whatsoever under the light. And finally 3 i feel im going to remember the 3rd way I checked the scariest guy in hell. But yeah no? assuming the story true, wouldnt the capacity in hiz heart be to close to deny and create fear and the most depressing "what am i going to wear today" moments? Before showing the tear in his eyes emotions. this waa a really long stretch of a first blog in life. Im considering Blog 2 to be straight down to the knit. My **** and my luster. None of you will likely know me so ill drop down my guard and even get into the pride/shame like. yes i was on that crack like they were infinity packs and the only translatable view to the edge lf my heart beyond the mountain God may have intended to be in my way. And yes for sure real sexual absurditiesn have been a matter if exploration and i found the most go to being ones least condoned like im straight but a few times on thjs other drug, the only reaskn the drug would be any jse to me if I went straight tranny freakazoid fk or even longer than 12 straight ( kind of) hours. I made a bjg ordeal of it too because i live in comparing to a waizt to shoulder hi body of water like fear. Im always nearly always in fear of something. Even if its just in a house all alone I am watching my tone and volume to not disturb the entity or embarrass myself. And theres usually a lot of BS running around my zone too. But anywhoo, scared of the SwaT teams and demons in a hotel, after the first usual 3 hours of eyes attatched to all directions i can notice without moving i said im going to max this **** out right here yeeaaaaa and i was doing poses for the potentials whoever stands at a second floor hotel window for 3 hours. You catch the drift. Sure part of the freaknicity invomved is mentally appealing. Im nkt going to lie. The flesh of a woman looking jedi equipped i mean has to be no sembalance of a male but thats neithr here nor anywhere for me because this isnt like, my hearts reach in any way. Since the last time i freaked off i encountered sexual encounter with an at the time friend lady and then almost a second time with the hottest coat rack breast formation i ever need to remember. Well she pulls out the money for intercourse part and now i am in not only great confliction but with a prepared spirit for the one of the highest priority lessons I could learn or be corrected on. And just then came a foundation of knowledge and vision. Flesh perveree barbaric using eachother like another drug or relieving some pain or just sheer addicted. Ive never had a time i can remember where there is something between us not being impprtant to me in the sack of awesome goods. If there is no relation there to me now more than ever, then jt is absolute perversive use of the flesh and body. I hope i dont get some effect of a born habbit and tranny zerg away my problem and enhanced self confliction. Hey that was mostly because damn new drug new coping mechanisim, and there are countless survielance vultures and sure there are good birds too but ive raised a lot of attention. I just let go on the FBI something about FBIs mom too. And maybe i just want the 3rd particles in good hands but I cant trust a comey supporting organization who are either ignoring the messed up bridge and back up the lies or they are beings without common sense. Plus some other group(s) i may or may not belong too. Im an expert **** up trying to move out of this world vast potential into a framing of the only way i see contributing chance to 5 generations from now to be atleast alive bearably. But no the world unison is buy what they say to buy no matter what healthier and bio friendly lower cost solutions are hidden from us. What would evolve in systems and technologies supressed by our ROTH oppressors fancy dress night club, is probably far beyond any imagination. But we want to say its cool ill stcik with gasine and everything else unto death. Whats a future generaton? I dont see blood on my hands yet. Not my problem. Or worst yet of the whe set is the sad existance of knowing that better is a controlled possibility removed from possibility by a few tactics to keep humans focused on other problems like, never never represent the problem with details about the CIA plane crash bringing cocain into america. Dont put on the news 24,311 bombs were dropped on other countries. Like is it 100s or thousands of oilline breaks per year? Either way they don't want you to see the pentagon lost 6.5 trlion bucks whoops . And tobaccoo being a substantial source of tax revenue. Whatever moneys not the problem here. Its how ks your FDA cool with 6000 known additves to a ciggrrate? and youre good with modified organism (gene manipulated plant life namely fruist and veggiesbyou can claim intellectual rights to tomatoes now by altering its DNA) that most consumers would lome the right to know but man its over with. Im either going to just die one day... Or I'm going to dye knowing i threw down a few sparks that reached a storm the ROTH associates will have to get stepping. Go buy your own planet or island of youre so obsessed with being king lizard man. Destroying the offspring futures chance of a liveable world and potential of decent m humanity instead of 10 billion people having to suddenly adjust with the last forseeable year with petro fuels or stop kilming the world. stop taking more grip over our societies industries and market lkke..... I know allegedly 90% media is slapped into air by atleast 1 out of just 6 mega corps. Sl is that lime our clothes are probably boiked up to ROTH brands? ummmm blog 1 i might S sell have gave an essay i worked on a year in the American college system at the podium with the XYZ or funny stain black shirt liike.... Yea l make this mire worth while and if it fails me or i fail i might even try a second blog life. But i realoze the value in these blogs being revved around free introduction to inventions. All the way up to a new style of buildings. lkke really hard to see as anything but futuristic, easier, and better in at least a few distinct ways. #1 perk of this technology given we are not on unlimited resource world but ements kf the housing structure are intact by such a way that it can be reutilized and ultimately there is potential for a no waste technology that reaches every door in the earth thats been done up the new way. Syria Afghanistan ans in general the countries that had devestated ways of lives of countless individual lkves of family members pretty much need to be rebuilt by this building technogy unseen. And the speed should be quicker as well. blog1 the ramble of death. the simplicity in taking base technology and enhancing them with personal and ho.e life is not only missing from our choices but unbelievable how eaay it would seem to accomplish the evidence of .mmm It only seems impossible because its not on tap at any restaurants we know. Partly why i have arranged a vision of my most hoped for life one without its core an office and a desk but one built from the potentials of imagination. Imagination being in part most crucial in expanding reality. Alright next one will be shorter sweet cut and dry. The facts in my peraonel history. ps im paranoid schizo like pretty much everything frim swat teams, demons, and ritualistic annual sacrifice held secretly in the depth expanse of a tunnelways descendance into reality where only one hope has life, that is Lord God mercy.

[beyondthebarricadephotos]

Personal Update

Hiiiiiiiiiii……….. iiiI have absolutely no idea how to start this, but i guess the beginning is a pretty good start.

(Im not gonna lie i am absolute shit when it comes to talking about things in my life especially my health but im trying to work on that and hopefully use it to help educate in the future)

Il'l be honest this last year and a half-two years has been rough, no one ever tells you the sheer difference between just knowing about something and coming to terms with it being reality.

Growing up we always knew i had ADHD and even got that tested/medicated very quickly. But we also always knew i had Autism to some degree, unfortunately living in the south in the late 90s there weren’t many people willing to test/label a girl with that (things are ass backwards down here what can i say). What they don’t realize is its essentially social suicide by not getting me tested then because being the outcast of the outcast and not be able to offer explanations that does thing to people. But, At least we knew about it early on because i was able to do my own research over time and even found ways to work with people on the spectrum to better understand my own problems.

Now flash forward to the summer in between my 2nd and 3rd year of college, i can’t explain it but its like reality was playing catch up to the point that the DAY before my junior year was supposed to start I dropped out. Although i will admit at the time my reasoning was because of my mom having surgery and someone need to keep an eye on her for a bit. What I didn’t know however was giving my mind room to breathe finally would start sort of a domino effect of problems.

So now lets jump to the spring of 2016. I’ve had a lot going on both mentally and physically my whole life (especially right now) but for some reason one night as im sitting at a music festival camera in hand waiting on the main act to start i look around and for the first ever I felt like i was at home. You’d think that’d be a good thing right? Almost but not quite. Following that little realization i FINALLY got someone to get me tested and sure enough right in the middle of summer not even a week after Warped Tour, i got the answers I’d been waiting ages for. Not only did we finally have definitive diagnosis of Level 1 ASD we also found several things that had been lurking in my minds shadows (i.e. More anxiety, depression, insomnia, bi-polar, slight manic) which was fine but also felt like the entire floor had ripped out from under me with no warning.

Now, Ive dealt with depression off/on my whole life but it is TERRIFYING to be in an all out mental free fall and not even be aware of it at first. Im not even joking when i say i felt like i was going insane. I can say now though that I completely get why people love New Years. After months of trying to understand things and recalibrate meds we’d finally found a combo that works, and even driving that point home with me having a huge mental break through happened on New Years eve. As im typing this right now i can tell you my mental state is miles better than it was at the beginning of this year, theres still a lot of work to be done on my end but my self awareness and recognition has increased exponentially for someone late to the show here.

Oh, But wait! Theres more……….

Remember me saying there were physical problems occurring too? Well, around late 2015-all of 2016 I started having intestinal issues again which as someone who’s had ulcers before thats not something you want to feel again, ever. Except it wasn’t ulcers and after a shit ton of test we did determine it wasn’t my gallbladder either (s/o to my genetics), in the end it just kind of got chalked up to anxiety considering i had also been dealing with what we had thought was the start of TMJ (thanks mom).

And really that was pretty much the running theory up until February of this year happened. When i tell you my body has impeccable timing im beyond serious because literally TWO DAYS before my umptienth visit with the oral surgeon my jaw……well long story short, my jaw had been partially dislocating itself for a year until it finally just decided popped back into place on its own. Which yeah great that answers that problem, but the gut issues han only gotten significantly worse at this point. Spareing some details and numerous appointments, about mid spring this year we found out I actually have what is known as Auto-immune Pancreatitis, Sounds bad right? Because it is. Sad part is it would’ve been found a lot sooner too if it wasn’t for my almost inhuman pain tolerance. Even funnier is both EDS (associate with my jaw problem) and Pancreatitis are fairly common in Autistic and ADHD people (Story of my life at this point).

Were, still not done though!

Ontop of ALL of this ive also been getting significantly more frequent migraines, again not new in my life but it is something thats finally being paid proper attention to (kind of). Migraines aside, another problem being that my whole life i’ve always had a higher resting heat rate than most people, again very common in adhd people and athletes. Whats not common about it, is for my average to be 115bpm while sitting perfectly still and then jumping on its own all the way to 170bpm without me having moved an inch (bare in mind 115 for me is what 60 would be for most people so 170 is probably more like 130 in normal people).

Which bring me to the last couple of months here. Technical jargon and process aside we(my cardiologist) have fortunately found that it’s not a valve and it’s not a rythm problem but it is an electrical problem known as Sinus Tachycardia or laymens terms; my heart beats way to fast naturally and randomly speeds up on its own without any outside prompting. At this point in time the main goal is to figure the why i have some sort short circuit in my system and then the migraines and other things i haven’t mentioned can be dealt with.

And that “self tanner” photo (on insta), that is from me havin a LINQ montir placed in my chest so that my heart can be monitored 24/7. No i can’t feel it, yes i was awake, yes i mean my boob, no it doesn’t stay in forever it only has a battery life of about three years……

As for what this means in terms of the future of my photography: I’m not giving up on Beyond the Barricade I actually even have several ideas to make it so much better than what i originally had planned. But for right now i have to raise the caution flag and take a step back from basically everything in music. As much as i dont want too my health comes first and even if mentally im in a much better place physically its hard to even just get out bed most day and getting this sorted is my number one priority. Yeah, I might be down at the moment but i will be damned if i let life count me out. I’m still here I promise.

-JT

Insta: https://www.instagram.com/thiggy_/